ZA: I'm dunking my cookieeeeee...

Crispy: You're singing that, you know.

ZA: It's your fault. I learn by example.

Crispy: Are you saying I sing what I do all the time?

ZA: *looks pointedly at Crispy*

Crispy: True.

Rowena Ravenclaw: Zsugami Alba does not own Harry Potter. I wish I did. Then I would be wealthy beyond my wildest dreams and build up the Hogwarts Library to be the most comprehensive in all the world, rivaling that of the great Alexandria!

Crispy: Calm down, Rowena. It happens eventually.

RR: Does it? Was it I who did it?

ZA: Um...no.

"Speech"

'Thoughts'

Parseltongue

Chapter 5: Draco's Gift

"Narcissa! Draco sent us a package," cried Lucius Malfoy as he took a seat at the breakfast table. "No, wait. It's addressed to just me. Sorry. I'm sure he still loves you, too."

Narcissa Malfoy rolled her eyes at her husband's inadvertent slight. "Yes, dear. He tells me all the time in his letters."

"You get letters?" Lucius pouted for a moment, then brightened when his eyes returned to the package in front of him. "Do you suppose it's biscuits? I do love the snickerdoodles the Hogwarts elves make. Best part of my seventh year, those biscuits." He opened the package with all the decorum that his eagerness would allow.

"Oh! There's a letter inside. It isn't very long, but I'm sure its message is heartfelt." Lucius unfolded the small bit of parchment and read, "I do desire that we may be better...strangers?" He frowned. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Narcissa's brow furrowed in puzzlement. "Perhaps the contents of the package will explain."

"Of course. How silly of me." Lucius dug into the box, tossing aside shredded newspaper to reveal a strangely shaped tube composed of ceramic and metal. A tag attached to one end declared it to be a "spark plug". "Narcissa? What do you suppose this means? What on earth is a spark plug?"

"Isn't it one of those muggle things Arthur Weasley is always raving about?" Narcissa asked.

Lucius immediately dropped the object back into the box and performed a cleansing charm on his hands. "Narcissa, I do believe something is terribly wrong with Draco."


Lucius was still puzzling over Draco's odd gift as Lord Voldemort rambled on about blood purity, Harry Potter, and...did he just say something about pickles? Whatever. Lucius had more important things to worry about than the Dark Lord's random food cravings.

"Oh, it seems one of us has mail," Voldemort drawled.

Lucius looked up to see Draco's eagle owl swooping towards him. "Oh no. Not here in front of the guys." He gulped visibly as a suspiciously red envelope floated down.

"Well, Lucius?" Voldemort addressed his mortified minion. "Aren't you going to open it? I'm sure it must be very important."

Lucius reached forth with trembling hands and broke the seal. The loud sound of drums shattered the silence moments before a male voice began wailing, "We're not gonna take it! No, we ain't gonna take it! We're not gonna take it anymoooooore!" and it didn't end there. It seemed to go on forever. The strange, clashing...music? was almost deafening. Suddenly, it stopped. All was silent once more. Lucius looked up at his master with wide eyes.

"My lord...I'm so very sorry. I don't know what's gotten into him, but my son...he seems to have...gone insane. He's been sending me the strangest packages and messages. I don't know what to do."

Voldemort looked down upon him and asked, "How old is Draco these days?"

"He's fifteen, my lord."

Voldemort smiled and nodded sagely. "Ah. That explains it. Don't worry, Lucius. It's just a phase."

"A phase, my lord?" Lucius was cautiously hopeful.

"He's rebelling. All teenagers do it at some point. Most get over it eventually. I'm sure he'll come back around soon enough. Now, Yaxley, what is this I hear about a new High Inquisitor the Ministry has sent to Hogwarts?"


Ron and Hermione stepped through the portrait into the Gryffindor common room to find a crowd of students gathered in front of the message board.

"What do you suppose is going on now?" Hermione wondered. "You don't suppose it's another educational decree, do you?"

Ron sighed and pushed his way through to the board.

Hogwarts is pleased to announce

a new, one-man production of

The Wizard of Oz

to be performed by

Draco Malfoy

in the Great Hall this coming Tuesday

Admission is free to all

"The Wizard of Oz?" Ron muttered. "What is that?"

Hermione looked utterly bewildered. "It's a muggle musical about an American girl who is magically transported to the Land of Oz by a tornado."

"Musical?" Ron looked dubious. "Draco Malfoy is going to sing?"

"And dance, apparently," Hermione added. "Things seem to be getting worse."

"I'll say," agreed Ron. "He's really gone round the bend, hasn't he?"


"Ladies and Gentlemen! Witches and Wizards! Students and Staff! Presenting the talented, enigmatic Draco Malfoy of Slytherin House!" Professor Burbage announced with a wide sweep of her arm.

"Dear Merlin," thought Snape. "Don't tell me he's doing this as a representative of our house. Minerva will never let me live this down."

Draco approached center stage to greet the smattering of hesitant applause from his curious audience.

"Long, long ago in a faraway land, there was a girl who lived in a world without color. Her only friend was her faithful dog, little Toto. When her dreary world pressed in around her, she would sit upon a haystack and sing...Somewhere over the rainbooooooow, bluebirds flyyyyyy…."

Even the twins stood speechless as Malfoy proceeded to entertain the spectators with thirty minutes of song and dance, complete with changes in costume and vocal register and second rate special effects. The Slytherin assumed the role of each character with a painful earnestness that brought tears to many an eye. Some, such as Professor Burbage, shed tears of pride. Most others turned various shades of red as they shed tears of silent laughter.

"And you were there...and you were there...and you were there! And some of it was frightening, but most of it was beautiful! Oh, but it's so good to be home. There's no place like home!" Draco gazed up at what was probably an invisible rainbow, waiting for the applause. A few seconds later, Professor Burbage began clapping and shouting, "Bravo! Bravo, Draco!" Scattered pockets of students and staff joined in the applause. Blaise Zabini took out a quill and crossed another item off of The List.


ZA: The howler Draco sends Lucius is a recording of Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It".

Crispy: We thought it apt.