ZA: I'm so glad I dragged you away from your YouTube black hole, mother dear.
Crispy: If it was a black hole, how did you drag me away? Can you defy the gravity of a black hole?
ZA: Tardis.
Crispy: Touché.
ZA: That was quite an adventure.
Crispy: Who knew it would take so long to find an accented e.
Severus Snape: I don't see why I should help you with this, considering what you've forced upon me in this chapter.
Crispy: We could extend the pain to two chapters.
SS: Zsugami Alba does not own Harry Potter. Thank Merlin.
"Speech"
'Thoughts'
Parseltongue
Chapter 6: Guess Who's on the Front Page?
Malfoy Heir Performs One-Man Rendition of Muggle Musical
by Rita Skeeter
This last Tuesday, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry hosted an interpretation of a musical play based on L. Frank Baum's book: The Wizard of Oz, a muggle story. The actor: Draco Malfoy, son of prominent, pureblood lobbyist Lucius Malfoy.
Draco, a well-mannered, handsome, young man, is a member of Slytherin House and a role model for its younger students. "Everyone looks up to him. He's the Prince of Slytherin," says longtime girlfriend Pansy Parkinson. She also adds: "Not to mention he's quite wealthy and comes from an influential family."
Sources tell this reporter that Draco has been behaving oddly these past few months. Some say it is due to his torrid on again off again relationship with Miss Parkinson. Others say he has been deeply affected by the loss of a close friend and ally, Harry Potter. "Harry was the yin to Draco's yang," says Gryffindor fifth year Hermione Granger. "He's lost without Harry. He's trying to reinvent himself. Like Madonna."
Whatever the reason, Draco has seemingly turned over a new leaf and is now championing the muggle cause. He has recently enrolled himself in Muggle Studies and has purchased a bicycle, an odd muggle mode of self propelled transportation. "He's really embraced their culture and beliefs," says Muggle Studies Professor Charity Burbage. "I've never been more proud of any of my students. He's bound to be the leader of a new age in Wizard/Muggle relations."
Draco's latest foray into muggle culture includes last Tuesday's dramatic production. He played every role, complete with costume changes aided by charmed hats and changes in vocal register. "His ability to assume the voices of the various characters, male, female, and animal, was quite astonishing," raves current Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. "I was thoroughly entertained."
Most agree that the highlight of the show was Draco's performance of the tragic melting of the Wicked Witch of the West. His cries of "I'm melting! I'm melting! What a world!" brought tears to everyone's eyes. Even Professor Severus Snape, head of Slytherin House, was not unaffected. Photos on page 4.
What else does this new Draco Malfoy have in store for the wizarding world? Only time will tell.
Lucius Malfoy was unavailable for comment.
The floo in Severus' quarters flared to life just before a disheveled figure tumbled out onto the rug at Severus' feet with the muted sound of shattering glass. The stench of various alcoholic beverages wafted toward the Potions Master's nose, and he set down his cup of tea with impatient disgust. Kicking the prone form over, he discovered his uninvited guest was none other than Lucius Malfoy. "Not again," thought Severus. "He hasn't been this pathetic since lace cuffs went out of style."
"Let me guess. You've seen today's Prophet," He drawled at the moaning form at his feet.
"Sevvy!" Lucius exclaimed in a drunken slur. "What are you doing at the Hog's Head? At this time of day?" He gestured at the room with the top half of a broken fire whiskey bottle.
"This is not the Hog's Head. It's my private quarters, and I was in the middle of enjoying a free period before having to endure another Slytherin/Gryffindor double potions class," complained Severus.
Lucius looked blearily around the room. "Not the Hog's Head? I must have taken a wrong turn at Aberdeen." He shrugged. "Do you have any fire whiskey? I seem to have run out," Lucius asked as he suddenly noticed the broken bottle in his hand. "Oh! No, wait! I've another in my boot!" He triumphantly wrestled a full bottle of Ogden's Finest out of his left boot. "Look, Sevvy! I'm a bootlegger! That's a muggle term, you know. They smuggled alcohol in their boots. I learned that today from an interesting muggle chap I met at...where was I?"
As his inebriated friend pondered his recent whereabouts, Severus took the bottle from his grasp and declared, "I think you've had quite enough of that."
Lucius pouted a moment before suddenly grinning and pulling another bottle from his boot. "Tha's all right. I've another one here! I put an expansion charm on my boot. It makes walking a bit difficult, but that's a small price to pay for a guaranteed supply."
Severus took out his wand and proceeded to summon all the bottles from Lucius' footwear. He then called out, "Tippy!" A loud crack sounded as a particularly tiny house elf popped into view and bowed before the two men. "Tippy," said Severus, handing several bottles to the elf, "Please dispose of these and bring Mr. Malfoy a fresh pot of tea. Earl Grey, perhaps, and make it extra strong." The elf snapped her fingers, vanishing the bottles before disappearing to the kitchens.
Severus turned again to address Lucius in his most patient tone. "Now, Lucius, you can't do this to yourself. What would Narcissa say?"
"She kicked me out of the manor," moaned Lucius, "after I broke into her stash. I was forced to relocate to the Leaky Cauldron. A few hours later, that Tom fellow kicked me out the wrong door and I wound up in muggle London. They have a lot more pubs there. Did you know that? And their selection of alcohol is astounding."
"Really."
"Oh, Sevvy. What am I to do? He's lost to me!" Lucius burst into tears.
"I thought the Dark Lord assured you that Draco -"
"Not Draco! Dobby! I can't find him anywhere, and he isn't answering my summons," wailed Lucius. "He made the best biscuits. Just like Hogwarts. I miss Hogwarts. Oh, look! Here I am!"
"Yes, yes," muttered Severus as the elf popped back into the room with a tray of tea and snickerdoodles. Severus handed one of the biscuits to Lucius and guided him to sit in one of the chairs.
"Just what I was wanting. It's like magic. I like magic, Severus. Did you know that?"
Thankful that Lucius had finally sobered up enough to stop calling him 'Sevvy', the reluctant host poured two cups of tea. Deciding to ignore the whole Dobby issue, he tried again to redirect Lucius to the matter at hand. "I assure you Draco is simply going through a phase. All teenagers rebel at some point. It's perfectly normal and expected."
"But we had a bond! An unbreakable father/son bond that nothing could tear asunder. Nothing but...adolescence. " Lucius spat out the last word as if it were a bug that had accidentally flown into his mouth.
Severus continued, "Might I remind you that adolescence is temporary?"
"Are you sure?" Lucius gazed up at him hopefully. "Because I found out what his letter meant."
"What letter?" asked Severus.
"He sent me a letter and a spark plug," Lucius explained. "He desired 'that we might be better strangers.' I don't want to be a stranger. I'm not strange. Am I strange, Severus?"
Fortunately, Lucius did not notice Severus' hesitation. "Of course not, Lucius. You're the very image of a stable, pureblooded wizard."
"I should talk to him," Lucius declared. "I should assure him that I still love him and that we'll get through this trial together." He stumbled to his feet and swayed there for a few moments before his left leg sunk into its boot up to the knee. "I seem to have accidentally put on Crabbe's left boot."
Severus rolled his eyes and waved his wand at the offending item. "Finite." the sudden canceling of Lucius' expansion charm pushed his left foot upwards, launching him to the right.
"What was that?" he cried from his position on the floor.
"Never mind that," Severus instructed. "I believe it would be in your best interest to stay here and sleep it off. I'll summon Tippy to keep an eye on you. Drink your tea and then have a lie down on that couch over there."
The Gryffindor and Slytherin first years were in the midst of brewing a cure for boils when the door burst open, slamming against the wall before rebounding and hitting the blonde intruder in the face. Holding his nose, Lucius moaned, "My nose! My beautiful nose. Is it bleeding, Sevvy?" He was drunk. Again. "Where in blazes is that Tippy?" thought Severus.
"I heard voices," said Lucius. "Is Draco here? I need to speak with him. It's very important. Draco? Where are you, Draco? Daddy's here."
Severus rushed to Lucius and took hold of his arm. Steering the newly inebriated man towards the door, he addressed his class. "Never mind Mr. Malfoy. He's run afoul of a hex. Mr. Rogers, escort Mr. Malfoy to the infirmary," he ordered. The first year Slytherin hurried to comply, and Severus' class resumed.
Madame Pomfrey eyed her two visitors, mainly the taller one. "And what have we here?"
"He stumbled into Potions class, Madame Pomfrey," Rogers explained. "Professor Snape said he's run afoul of a hex and instructed me to bring him here."
"Run afoul of a whiskey bottle more like," muttered the healer.
"I was outnumbered," Lucius offered helpfully.
"And I'm sure you endeavored to defeat them all," Pomfrey nodded with feigned sympathy.
"I did, but Sevvy took some of them away, and I think I broke one in the floo," Lucius said sadly.
"Draco, your father's in the infirmary," Blaise informed Draco at lunch. "You should check on him. Apparently, he encountered some rogue whiskey bottles that got the better of him."
Draco looked mildly shocked. "What happened? Did walking sticks go out of style?"
Blaise looked pointedly at Draco for a long moment until Draco remembered. "Oh, right. The Daily Prophet article. I suppose he objected to the green face paint."
Blaise rolled his eyes. "Of course. That must be it."
