ZA: This is going to be silly, isn't it?

Crispy: What gives you that idea?

ZA: Just a feeling.

Rita Skeeter: Zsugami Alba sighs and shakes her head sadly as she begins. "I grew up in a poor household with no access to books of any kind. I've come so far since then, but sadly, all is for naught. I do not own Harry Potter." she reaches out as if to grasp something. Perhaps the green light at the other end of the bay. What? I don't know what you mean. Oh, all right. Neither Zsugami Alba nor I own The Great Gatsby.

Crispy: Next time, we'd better confiscate that blasted quill. That was revolting.

ZA: I know.

Crispy: Just for the record, Zsugami grew up with a ton of books and frequent trips to the library. Also, we don't consider ourselves to be all that poor. How could we be with all those books?

ZA: True.

"Speech"

'Thoughts'

Parseltongue

Excerpts from The Book (No, not that one. The fictional one we'll be introducing in this chapter.)

Chapter 8: Sassy

"Harry! Ron! Look at this!" Hermione shouted as she shoved the latest edition of The Daily Prophet in their faces. "The first page is a book review! There's a new book! A new book! A very important historical document!"

Ron shoved the paper away. "Calm down, Hermione. You're drowning a photo of Gwenog Jones in my cereal bowl. She's getting all blurry and panicked."

Hermione snatched the paper back. "Oh! Sorry. It's just such exciting news!"

Ron picked a soggy bit of newsprint out of his bowl and resumed eating his Pixie Puffs. "What's so exciting about a book? This is a bit much even for you."

"It's Hogwarts: An Unabridged History!" Hermione exclaimed.

Harry set down his pumpkin juice and looked at her. "You've already read that one, Hermione. You've been quoting it to us since the day we met."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "No, Harry. That was Hogwarts: A History. This is a new unabridged version. It's got loads of extra information and stories from the journals of Salazar Slytherin himself!"

Ron didn't even bother pausing between bites as he said, "So basically it's got extra pureblood propaganda in it? Why would you want to read that nonsense?"

"But look at the review, Ronald. It says, 'Salazar's commentary is witty and insightful. Not something you'd expect from the founder of Slytherin House.'"

"Hey! That's more than a little insulting!" objected Draco as he passed by their table. "Take that back, Granger!"

Hermione sighed. "I'm merely quoting the article, Draco. I'm not saying Slytherins can't be witty or insightful."

Draco sniffed, mollified, and continued on to the Slytherin Table. Harry plucked the paper out of Hermione's hands. "Oh, of course. I should have known the review was written by Skeeter. The book's probably terrible."

Hermione looked appalled. "Really, Harry. You can't judge a book by the author of its review."

"Maybe not, but you can judge a book review by its author," Harry pointed out.

"I'm with Harry," Ron mumbled around a mouthful of bacon. "I didn't even want to read the first one. Why should I care about the second?"

Hermione gave both boys a dirty look, grabbed the newspaper and her bag, and left them both to finish their meal without her charming company.


"All right, Ron," Hermione announced the next night in the common room. "I've gotten the book through owl order. Now you're going to sit there while I read it to you." She planted herself next to him on the sofa, cleared her throat, and opened an alarmingly large book with a photo of Hogwarts on the cover.

Ron gulped audibly and turned to Harry with a "help me!" look on his face. Harry just smiled and studied the chess board. "Maybe with her distracting you I'll have a chance."

"Traitor," Ron muttered as he settled in for the long haul. "Surely she won't read it all in one night?"

Chapter One: Sassy

"Sassy? That's a ridiculous title for a chapter," complained Ron. "What's that supposed to be about?"

Hermione sighed. "You'd find out if you wouldn't interrupt me." She cleared her throat and continued.

The first time I met Godric, he had just been let go from his apprenticeship with a hatmaker. He was sitting in the muddy street, clutching a hideous bit of leather as if it were his only friend in the world. I, of course, being a good Samaritan, asked him if he needed any help. He responded by throwing himself at me and sobbing into my robes.

"He doesn't like Sassafras!" the poor man cried.

"Did you put it in his tea?" I asked, not even bothering to find out who "he" was. It seemed like it was going to be a long story, and I'd probably find out soon enough anyway.

"What? I would never put Sassafras in his tea. Sassafras is my pride and joy!" At this, he thrust the bit of leather at me, revealing it to be a rather odd looking, badly made hat.

"You must be Nigel's new apprentice. I'd heard he was having difficulties with his new hire. What on earth possessed you to name a hat Sassafras?"

"He's my baby. I've made him with my own hands and my own bit of leather and shaped him to my own head. I've even given him life! Speak to our new friend, Sassafras. Go on." He held the hat up again, and I noticed it's front resembled a face. Then a slit opened up and spoke.

"Behold! I am Sassafras the Magnificent! Created by Godric Gryffindor from his own pocket money! I shall woo his women and bring him many lovely admirers!"

"What?" cried Ron. "Are we supposed to believe that the sorting hat was created to be a chick magnet?"

"Well, it does have a rather nice singing voice," Harry offered. "Check, by the way." Ron looked at the board in shock before moving his knight and taking out Harry's offending pawn.

"If you two are finished interrupting…?" Hermione said impatiently.

At that moment, I found myself at a loss for words. This was a man who clearly needed guidance - someone to watch his back and keep him out of the trouble he would undoubtedly fall into if left to his own devices. I suggested shortening Sassafras' name to Sassy, and we were instant friends forevermore.

Some may find it strange that two such different men should come to meet over the matter of a misshapen hat, but I wasn't the only one that Sassy brought into Godric's life. In fact, if it weren't for Sassy, Hogwarts would never have been built.

Over the course of our friendship, it became apparent that Godric really did need help in wooing women. Unfortunately, so did Sassy. You see, Sassy gained most of his knowledge and personality from the head of his wearer. Thus, he was a lot like Godric, only without any shame. I can't even begin to number the times poor Godric was slapped because Sassy whistled at the wrong bonnet, but our lives did change dramatically when one of those slaps was delivered by none other than Helga Hufflepuff.

Helga had been traveling in the company of her dear friend Rowena Ravenclaw when Godric and Sassy accosted them on the street with a "Hello, Ladies!" and a wolf whistle. Fortunately, I was there to smooth things over before Godric lost some very vital parts of his person. I even managed to convince Helga and Rowena to join us for lunch. Halfway through the meal, the conversation turned to the lack of proper education for magical children. By the end of the meal, we'd begun fleshing out the idea of a school while Godric nursed his broken (for the second time) nose. I believe that was also the day that Godric Gryffindor fell hopelessly in love with Helga Hufflepuff. Poor chap. She did eventually take a liking to his cap, though.

Hermione closed the book and looked up at her two friends expectantly. "So? What did you think?"

Ron frowned. "I'm not sure I believe that Godric Gryffindor was such an idiot. I mean, he did help found Hogwarts, and he's rather handsome in his portraits. I always thought he would have been the supreme ladies man."

Harry snickered. "Oh, he thought he was quite the ladies man. Helga wasn't interested, though. The harder he tried, the harder she punched. He used to call them 'love taps' and insisted they were proof of her secret affection."

"That's so sweet!" said Hermione with one of those sappy faces girls often get when discussing romance novels and such.

"Helga wasn't impressed," said Harry. "Although, we did convince her to refrain from using violence in front of the children."

"We?" asked Hermione. "How long were you there, Harry? It sounds like you had a fair amount of influence back then."

Harry froze for a moment, looking suspiciously like Hagrid after the half giant had let too much information slip. "Um...checkmate?"

Ron laughed. "Harry, you're nowhere near checkmate! I mean look at the-" Ron looked at the board in shock. Harry had definitely won the game. "That's...that's just not possible. How did you…? But I had you! Didn't I have him?" he asked his battered pieces. They just glared at him in obvious betrayal as they helped each other limp off the board. Ron looked back at Harry. "What exactly were you doing in the past those two months you were gone?"

Harry yawned and stretched. "I was learning. A little of this...a little of that. Did you know that Godric was an excellent chess player? He taught Salazar everything he knew."