Mad Eye: I'd like a word with you two.
Crispy: Oh, hey! Let's have Moody do it!
Mad Eye: Now wait just a minute. Your readers seem to be under the impression that I dressed up as a flamingo and did a dance in the Ministry atrium. You wouldn't happen to know why that is, would you?
Crispy: I plead the fifth.
Mad Eye: That's an American law. It's got no validity in the magical world of Britain. Try again.
ZA: Tonks did it.
Tonks: Oy! Thanks a lot, Zsugami!
Crispy: Wait! Before you exact your revenge, you should do the disclaimer.
Mad Eye: Why don't you just have Tonks assume my likeness and do it for me.
Crispy: Touchy.
Tonks: (dressed as a flamingo) A fanfiction author must exercise CONSTANT VIGILANCE! and issue a proper disclaimer! Or she'll lose a buttock in the ensuing legal battle.
Crispy: Who do you know who's lost a buttock?
ZA: *sigh* I don't own Harry Potter. Now everybody please leave.
"English"
'Thoughts'
Parseltongue
The Book
Sassy's song
Chapter 13: Reunited, and it feels so good!
Harry took this distraction as an opportunity to slip out a side door and transform into Sal. He then reentered the Great Hall and calmly walked up to the head table. "Looking for me?"
"Sal!" cried Godric. "I missed you! And I think I was bitten."
Sal sighed. "By what?"
"A really fuzzy caterpillar," replied Godric. McGonagall stared at him in disbelief.
Sal ignored her for the moment and proceeded with his usual diagnostic process. "How big was it?"
"Really big! It was…" Godric stretched his arms wide as they could go. Then readjusted his estimate a couple of times under the weight of Sal's stare. "This big?" he said, holding his hands just a foot apart.
"A caterpillar, you say?"
"I...think so?"
"How fuzzy?"
"It was sort of fuzzy...well...not really fuzzy at all," Godric admitted. "Actually, it was more...scaly than fuzzy."
"I see," said Sal. "And...what color was it?"
"Rainbow!"
"..."
"Red and yellow?"
"And…?" prompted Sal.
"Black?"
Sal sighed again. "Which colors were touching?"
"All of them!" said Godric - as if the answer were obvious. "They were all on the same caterpillar."
Smack! Snape broke his usual expressionless demeanor and actually facepalmed.
"I meant," said Sal patiently, "what order were the colors in?"
Godric considered this for a moment. "Um...black...yellow...red…"
"Stop right there!" shouted Pomfrey. She rushed to Godric's side. "Where were you bitten?"
"My toe." He pointed to a spot on the tip of his left boot that had worn to nothing. The leather was further strained by a very swollen big toe.
Pomfrey leveled her sternest look at Godric. "You mean to tell me you've been strolling about on a foot that's been bitten by a coral snake?"
"Snake?" asked Godric.
"A non-fuzzy caterpillar," Sal clarified. "You know, we've been over this before, Godric." He turned to Pomfrey. "He's built up a sort of resistance to various venoms over his lifetime. He should be able to make it to the infirmary without any further risk."
Pomfrey nodded wide-eyed and urged Godric towards the nearest exit. Dumbledore recovered enough to call out, "Poppy! Do bring him to my office when you've sorted this out."
Professors McGonagall, Snape, and Sal were waiting with Dumbledore in his office when they heard a knock on the door. "Come in," called Dumbledore.
Godric strode in, perfectly fine and perfectly composed. McGonagall thought he looked almost regal in his bearing. Until he opened his mouth, that is.
Godric's eyes had scanned the room and alighted on Fawkes. "Oh! What a pretty bird! Does it lay eggs? Do they taste good?" Fawkes leaned away from his inquisitive hand, looking positively insulted.
"I wouldn't touch if I were you," warned Sal. "He is a male and has the tendency to poke out the eyes of creatures who offend him."
Godric withdrew his hand. "My apologies, Master…?"
"Fawkes," supplied Dumbledore.
A loud cough from a high shelf caught everyone's attention.
"Sassy!"
"Godric!"
"Sassy!"
"Godric!"
Snape rolled his eyes. "Oh, for the love of Merlin. Here!" He quickly summoned the Sorting Hat and placed it in Godric's outstretched hands. The founder grinned widely and plopped the hat on his head.
I was a fool to ever leave your side
Me minus you is such a lonely ride
The breakup we had has made me lonesome and sad
I realize I love you 'cause I want you back, hey, hey!
Reunited and it feels so good
Reunited 'cause we understood
There's one perfect fit
And, sugar, this one is it
We both are so excited 'cause we're reunited, hey, hey!
Snape winced. "Just when I thought things couldn't get worse." McGonagall nodded as she looked on in growing horror.
I sat here starin' at the same old wall
Came back to life just when I got your call…
"Ah, music!" sighed Dumbledore.
"Yes, yes," interrupted Snape. "A magic beyond all we do here. Could we just get on with it, please, before my mind is scarred beyond the capacity of any obliviate?"
Sassy looked affronted. "There's just no accounting for some people's taste."
"I quite liked your song, Sassy," Godric reassured his faithful hat. "You can sing the whole thing to me later."
Sal took control of the meeting straightaway. "Godric, what are you doing here?"
"I missed you," Godric replied. "I was lonely. Rowena was buried in her books, and Helga went off to rampage with her trophy husband across the ocean."
"Really?" asked Sal. "I had no idea Helga was involved in the attempted Viking invasion of the Americas."
"What?" McGonagall was completely confused.
"Well, she grows restless, you know," said Godric. "She never could stay in one place for very long."
"Or one pub," added Sal.
Dumbledore could stay silent no longer. He'd never get answers if they kept veering off topic. "How exactly did you get here?" he asked Godric. "For that matter, I think it's high time Professor Slytherin explained how he got here."
Godric and Sal looked at him. "Magic," they both said.
"Obviously," Snape drolled.
Professor McGonagall had gathered herself together enough to participate in the conversation. "Perhaps you could be more specific? Was it a spell? Ritual? Potion?"
"Yes," replied Godric and Sal.
When the others glared in frustration at them, Sal elaborated. "A combination of all three. And a bit of alchemy, but I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't spread that around. Took me years to perfect the process, and even then I was a bit off on my timing. I had to make a couple of pit stops along the way. Even wound up in Vegas at one point. No idea how that happened. Anyway…"
"I think I landed on another planet, Sal," Godric interjected. "There was an otherwordly being traveling in a blue box. He was quite charming, as was his lovely companion. Sarah Jane, I think her name was. I do so adore brunettes."
Sal looked nonplussed. "I think you managed to land yourself in an episode of Dr. Who."
"Yes! He was a doctor!"
"Moving on," interrupted Dumbledore, "Why exactly have you both come to the present - or future, as I suppose you would see it?"
"Well, you've got lots of problems, haven't you?" said Sal. "Just take that horrid woman I booted out, for example. Threatening the integrity of Hogwarts with her drivel disguised as curriculum and her...pinkness." He shuddered. "Not to mention that idiot who claims to be my descendant."
"But isn't he your descendant?" asked Dumbledore. Snape and McGonagall leaned forward, keenly interested in the answer as well.
"Of course not! I've had no dalliances at any time. It is absolutely impossible for anyone to be my descendant."
"Well," began Snape, "perhaps you were...a little too deep in your cups?"
"Sweet Merlin, no!" cried Sal.
"He's right," Godric nodded. "Helga never let Sal imbibe. He was the designated apparator. We all were, actually. Helga was a lot to handle when she really got going. She was quite a woman," Godric sighed.
Dumbledore frowned. "Then how do you explain your long line of heirs? The various parselmouths that came and went? Voldemort himself, who opened your Chamber of Secrets?"
"Hasn't anyone read my book? Chapter 25: Creepy Stalker Chick," Sal explained. "She was a parselmouth, but she hid the ability in order to claim her children inherited it from me. And I didn't build that chamber. Why on earth would I hide a secret lair in a girls' toilet? And have you been down there? It's dank and moldy and...drippy. And whichever of my supposed heirs decorated the place had dismal taste. That giant statue is most certainly not me. It looks like a monkey. Actually, it looks a lot like Whimplewhatsit."
"Wimplewhatsit?" asked McGonagall.
Sal shrugged. "Creepy Stalker Chick. I can never remember her name. Anyway...there's a lot of work to be done, and you need me."
"And me!" added Godric. "I want to help, too!"
Sal looked at him and then turned to Snape. "Remind me to purchase some color by number books and the largest box of crayons I can find. We'll need to keep him busy."
Sal had to teach his third year DADA class. He decided to bring Godric with him, as he didn't dare leave his friend to his own devices. "Don't say anything, don't do anything. Just sit there and observe," he instructed Godric. Then he lifted his gaze a few inches to address Sassy. "No singing. You're distracting enough as it is. Do anything embarrassing, and I'll replace those buttons with googly eyes."
The aforementioned buttons seemed to grow to twice their normal size. "You wouldn't dare."
Sal raised an eyebrow. "With eyelashes."
"We'll be good," Godric assured him. "I haven't seen you teach a class in a while. I've always enjoyed watching you work. So what potion are they learning today?"
"Actually, Professor Snape is the Potions Master now," replied Sal. "I'm teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts."
"Helga's class?" asked Godric.
"Well, she isn't here to do it herself, is she? Besides, I'm perfectly capable."
Godric looked around the room. "If this isn't the Potions classroom, why is there a large chunk of cauldron stuck in that door?"
"It's a whimsical coat hook," sniffed Sal. "Now take your seat. My students will be here shortly."
Once the mixture of Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs had settled in, Sal began the lesson. "Today, we will continue our dueling practicals by practicing dodging spells. None of you is magically powerful enough to rely on shield charms yet, so the best way to avoid a spell is, as Mr. Miagi would say, 'No be there.'" Most of the children looked confused, with the exception of a couple of muggleborns who had actually seen Karate Kid 2.
"All right then!" Sal clapped his hands. "Godric! Time to make yourself useful. Throw a spell at me."
Godric stood hesitantly. "I thought I was just supposed to sit and observe."
"Well, I changed my mind," said Sal. "Don't worry. Just hit me with your best shot."
Godric shrugged. "All right." He stood up straight and aimed his wand. "Plures Armadillus!" he shouted. Suddenly, a barrage of armadillos shot forth from Godric's wand and hurtled toward Sal, who had just enough time to realize that he really should have seen that coming.
Surprisingly enough, Sal managed to dodge most of them, with the last armadillo just grazing his left hip. He calmly turned and transfigured a neat little pen to contain the somewhat shaken projectiles until he could find time to deal with them properly. Then he addressed his class once more.
"You're not usually going to have any idea what your opponent will use against you. However, with practice, you can eventually learn to anticipate his aim and develop the agility necessary to avoid them. Of course, as you have just seen, there is no guarantee you will be entirely successful. Multiple projectiles are particularly problematic. Thank you, Professor Gryffindor, for your demonstration of the advantage of creativity."
Godric beamed. "You're quite welcome, Professor Slytherin."
One brave student raised her hand to ask a question. "Professor Slytherin? What will happen to the armadillos now?"
"Well, Professor Gryffindor's conjurings are particularly difficult to simply vanish," Sal confessed. "However, I believe Professor Hagrid might enjoy caring for them until we can find them good homes."
The student, a rather sensitive Hufflepuff, sighed with relief. "Do you think he'd like some help taking care of them?"
"I'm sure he would, Miss Smith," agreed Sal. "In fact, I believe you have Care of Magical Creatures next, do you not? Perhaps you and your classmates would do me the favor of transporting these fellows for me?" The students eagerly nodded.
"Very well. Now pair up and practice. Use only the disarming spell - expelliarmus, you remember. We don't want any unfortunate accidents like last time. Speaking of which, does anyone know how poor Rupert is fairing? Those antlers were quite impressive. Did I remember to award points for those, Mr. Johnson?"
Johnson nodded happily. "Yes, sir! Fifty for each tine!"
"Good, good," Sal nodded. "All right, fire at will!"
For the next hour, the classroom was filled with a crisscross of lights as spells were fired across the room in opposite directions. Most of the students had trouble at first, but they eventually adapted to the point that they were successfully dodging a large percentage of spells. Sal switched pairings as soon as he noticed partners had learned each other's tells in order to teach them the differences in dueling various opponents. All in all, it was a very productive lesson. Sal was quite pleased with their progress.
"Well done, everyone! Ten points for each successfully dodged spell!" he cried.
"But Professor!" argued one girl. "We don't even know how many spells that is!"
Sal just waved her concerns away. "Not to worry. The castle is always aware. She's very detail oriented."
The students looked at one another in surprise. "She?" they murmured to each other.
"Time's up for today. Gather your things and run along to your next classes. And don't forget the armadillos, Miss Smith!"
