Chapter 2: Friend or Stalker

Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.

- Mother Teresa


Marina's Diary 28th of September 2016

There were occasions I would receive responses from Laura, especially when she commented on my animated shorts, and complimented me for my artistic talents. Whenever I got any response from her, it was like unwrapping my presents on Christmas morning. I clicked on my notifications which had a number, indicated that I got a response. There I would read her response and scrutinize every word of that sentence, and even reread the sentence.

I spent most of my time on Facebook and attempted to gain Laura's attention, by posting messages and liking her posts. I begun to lose count with how many times I browsed through her profile, and have viewed all of her pictures. Even though some of her pictures would include her friends, she would be the only person that truly caught my eye. How stunning and vivacious she was in all of her pictures, I just wished I was there at the time those photos were taken. The only difference would be that I was by her side and sharing the experience, and the joy she felt in her active social life. As for her friends, I was oblivious to them and uninterested in what connection they had with her. To me they were just zombies that wanted to live in her shadow, sounds more like a frenemy if you ask me. They wanted the life and praise she had, and I would be lying if I said I didn't want the same, but I was different. What she had accomplished, and was relishing in was the least of my personal interest in her, I wanted to know her just by looking at her in the flesh. I was looking at images of her that were an abundance of pixels on the screen, and I longed to have more face to face interactions with her just like last time. I wanted her and I to be verbally communicating, I wanted to hear her voice. I wanted to be by her side, forever and ever.


Marina's Diary 30th of September 2016

This month was coming to an end, I had been Laura's friend for over a week, and I was looking forward to the day, which will be her special day. This Saturday on the 4th of October will be her birthday, and I wanted to celebrate the occasion with her. I hunched that her friends were going to be there, the people who I envied for beating me to her attention before me.

I did notice an event that Laura posted on her Facebook profile about her birthday party, which I invited myself to. When I placed my invitation, confirming that I will definitely be coming, a visual scenario was playing in my head. While her attendees at the party celebrated and socialized alone in their own personal space, I would be socializing with Laura. We would be having fun, and spend the rest of the evening together.

In preparation for this special occasion, I pulled out the present I've been working on since I added her on Facebook. That's right, I knew when it was her birthday before I mustered the courage to send her that friend request.

When I sharpened my pencils and laid out my art materials, I begun to continue my work on Laura's present, which was a portrait of her. Adding strokes to the portrait, I could see myself presenting her with her present, and seeing her reaction with an awe and holding my self-made present in her hands. Then in response came the thought of her swinging her arms around me, and squeezing me into her chest. That thought I immediately casted out of my mind, and I questioned myself on the thought that intruded its way in there. Did I want Laura as a friend or more than a friend?


Marina's Diary 3rd of October 2016

Early in the morning before the sun had fully rose out on the horizon, I had switched on my laptop to open up Facebook. I would eagerly comment on Laura's latest post, which consisted of two of her male friends named Gustavo and Kobe. I just wrote in the comments about her birthday, and if she's going to have a party, and if she was still online.

I can't remember how many comments I sent over the weeks, but I knew it was a lot. I begun to worry if Laura was upset with me, and if that was the reason she did not respond to my comments. Her responses did become less frequent after she commented about my animation shorts, and I was getting concerned in case I did something wrong.

I did later in the day send her the photo with a black and white filter, where I photoshopped myself in with her. I was hoping that picture would get a response, so I waited and waited just staring at the screen.

As time passed and not seeing any response, I despaired and got even more paranoid, I don't think I ate or slept that night.


Marina's Diary 4th of October 2016

Today was the big day, the day that is Laura's birthday. She would be the center of many people's attention, especially those who knew her, and I was one of them.

I was still reflecting on the dream I had the other night, where Laura and I were alone in our own private space. After receiving her gift and hugging me, there was a moment of silence, then we bursted into a frenzied act of kissing and I told her I love her. I would wake up being shocked knowing that feeling is evolving, I was attracted to Laura physically.

Whenever I questioned about my sexuality, I knew that the sight of the male anatomy and appearance never appealed to me. As for women, I just felt more of a connection to them, and more of a bonding. I don't think I ever lusted over a woman in my life, or had any sexual fantasy towards them.

I knew Laura already was in a relationship with a med student called Tyler, and I was happy to see them two together. If there was one person apart from her mother Caroline who I trusted with her, it was him. It seemed he was the one that maintained her self-esteem, and looked after her. I would have been happy if I tagged along with him and Laura, and we hung out together, but that was only a daydream.

In the evening when I thought that Laura's party was about to commence, I attempted to communicate with Laura via FaceTime. My bowels were rumbling, my heart was pacing and my hand was shaking, as I pressed the button, that would get me in contact with her.

After what seemed to be a long wait, there was a response. The window where Laura's profile picture was in the centre flicked into life, and there I saw her right before my eyes. She was so pretty, with lovely curls that she had not finished, with two rollers still in her hair. She had already applied make up, which made her face shine and look as smooth and impeccable like porcelain. This shock of beauty and relief of her answering my call, prompted me to say, "Happy Birthday" to her, and tell her how pretty she looked.

I hadn't forgotten about my assumption that Laura was upset with me, and why she wasn't as responsive and engaging as she used to be, whenever I messaged her. I asked softly and slowly if I did something wrong, or if she was mad at me. She convincingly assured me that I did nothing wrong, and that she is not mad at me. I even questioned her about her birthday party that was scheduled for tonight, and she would confirm that it would just be her and Tyler going out to dinner alone.

Upon hearing those change of plans, I would be lost for words and struggle to find the correct way to react or respond. All I did was swallow the bad taste in my mouth. Of course I wanted to believe that Laura was telling me the truth, and that her birthday was going to be celebrated with just her and Tyler, but somehow I got the bad feeling there was the likelihood that she was lying.

Long after the video chat had ended, as I can't remember how the call ended. I was deeply concerned if Laura was lying to me, and was really trying to keep me at arm's length.

When day turned to night and the street lamps lit up the streets outside, I was sitting in isolation in my dark room, with my laptop switched on. I scrolled through the latest posts on her profile. There I found the shocking truth that struck me hard in the chest, and left a gaping hole, leaving my exposed heart to be ripped out of my chest.

Laura's profile would show one photo at an extravagant looking restaurant, with a bright and warm atmosphere. She was huddled together with her friends, as they were taking selfies and uploading one after the other. Seeing each one of them with the friends who seemed more important to her, really hurt me, my eyes would water and I found it hard to swallow. It felt like something sharp was in my throat.

The picture that hurt me the most, was a posted image of her and her friends. All those other people in the image who glowed in a pretty orange golden tone, while I was enveloped in shadows and illuminating in a depressive blue light. So pertaining to the mood I was in. Their names were tagged, and they all looked so happy, all together in the place I wished to be with her. I could see the facial expressions of her friends, as they gloat and mock me, it made me feel really angry and torn apart.

After staring at those photos long enough, I would aimlessly flee outside the dormitory, and locate the beach restaurant where the dinner party was taking place. I stood outside, hearing the rush and rustling of the waves. Looking at the window, where I saw Laura and her friends enjoying themselves and celebrating. There I stood alone, forlorn and lonely. I tried to imagine myself as one of the attendees at the party, but that was all a fantasy, a fantasy that I was denied by the one who I thought was my friend. Never have I felt so betrayed in my life, I couldn't wait to confront her, desperately wanting an answer. Was she really my friend, and why did she accept my friend request? Was she really friends with all those people on her list, yet even care for them, or were they means to preserving her popularity and reputation? The only questions I could ever answer myself, were that I lost the race to be her best friend, and that she did lie to me about her birthday plans.

However I would confront her, I wanted her to know how I feel. I would still try to win the title of becoming Laura's best friend, forever.

To be continued...