ZA: Behold! The long-awaited Christmas chapter!
Sirius: Wow! It's really a mess in here!
Crispy: It's clutter, and we're in the middle of packing.
Sirius: You're not seriously keeping all of this junk, are you? Is that a Cameo cd?
Crispy: That's not ours.
Sirius: It's in your house.
Crispy: It's my husband's.
Sirius: Riiiiiiight.
Crispy: Just do the disclaimer. And give me that. *snatches cd*
Sirius: All right, all right. Zsugami Alba does not own Harry Potter.
Chapter 18: Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?
"Okay, Godric," Sal warned, "You need to be on your best behavior. We want to make a good impression." Sal raised his hand to knock on the door when suddenly he turned back to face his friend. "And don't say anything weird to Mrs. Weasley. That goes double for you, Sassy. The woman has a temper and won't put up with any nonsense."
"So she's a combination of Helga and Rowena?" asked Godric.
"Yes." Sal narrowed his eyes at Godric. "And she's married. Hence the 'Mrs.' in front of her name." He turned back to the door. "Okay, here we go." He knocked sharply.
The door opened a crack, one electric blue eye peering out from the shadows within the house. "What's the password?" demanded a gruff voice.
Sal frowned. "Password? Dumbledore didn't say anything about a password."
"Who are you?" the voice demanded.
Sal grinned. "Professor Salazar Slytherin, at your service!" He turned and pointed to Godric standing beside him. "This is my colleague, Professor Godric Gryffindor." Godric's hat cleared it's throat pointedly. "Oh, and this is Sassy, the Sorting Hat."
Godric smiled innocently and held up a wrapped dish. "We've brought pie!"
The eye continued to glare at them. "How do I know you're who you say you are?"
Sal frowned again. "That is a difficult one. You can't really ask us a security question because you don't know anything about us that nobody else knows."
"You could ask someone else," offered Godric. "I'm sure one of our friends would vouch for us. Ronald, Severus, or perhaps the twins?"
The door didn't budge an inch. "How can I trust the ancestor of You Know Who?"
Sal's expression darkened. "For the last time, Lord Hissypants is not my heir! If he were, I would disown him, but he isn't. So there. Really...there's no family resemblance whatsoever - in appearance or personality. You don't see me going about killing everyone!" he continued, waving his arms in full rant. "I don't go gallivanting across the countryside saying, 'Oh! Look at me! I'm a dark lord! I go around hexing muggles and fleeing from small children! I don't have shoes or a nose or hair or...any redeeming qualities, but I command a bunch of sniveling mortem munchers who can't think for themselves.'"
The door suddenly swung wide open to reveal a grinning Mad Eye Moody. "Even Snape wouldn't dare call him Lord Hissypants. Come on in."
Sirius wandered into the foyer. "Mad Eye, who was at the door?"
"Hello!" cried Sal. "I'm Professor Salazar Slytherin, and this is my colleague, Professor Godric Gryffindor and his faithful headgear, Sassy."
Godric held up the dish again. "We brought pie!"
Sirius stared wide-eyed at the two guests. "You're the one who erased Mother!"
"You're welcome," replied Sal.
Godric was still holding up the pie dish. "It's apple," he supplied helpfully.
Sirius accepted the dish automatically while continuing to stare at Sal. "Why is the founder of Slytherin House in my...house? How did you find this place?"
Godric grinned. "Albus told me! I'm not sure how Sal found out."
"That's an interesting story, actually," said Sal. "You see, I was taken from my house in the dead of night while my relatives were at some fake lawn awards thing, escorted by a company of magicals on brooms, and presented with a strip of parchment bearing this address."
Godric looked impressed. "How exciting!"
Sal nodded. "Quite."
Sirius frowned. "Where is the company of magicals on brooms?"
"Oh, that was just my first visit," Sal said, waving his hand dismissively. "I've been here twice since then."
"Riiiiiiight."
"Mad Eye did let us in," Sal pointed out.
"And we brought delicious apple pie!" added Godric.
Mad Eye nodded. "It'd be rude to turn them out after accepting pie."
Sirius hesitated a moment and then shrugged. "Well, there's room for a couple more at the table. Why not?" He turned and led the way to the kitchen.
Molly set a huge bowl of mashed potatoes on the last empty space of table before she stepped back and examined the feast she'd laid out. "I do hope I've made enough. How many professors did you say were coming, Albus?"
Albus smiled reassuringly, "Only two more, Molly. Everything looks delicious. And roast beef is Professor Slytherin's favorite, isn't it, Severus?"
Snape looked up with a frown. "How would I know the culinary preferences of that headache?"
"Well, you are the one who spends the most time with him these days," replied Albus. "I should think your observant nature has had you filing away all sorts of personal information about your new friend." Severus glared at that last word.
Molly patted Severus on the shoulder with a comforting tutting sound. "Oh, you poor dear. Having to associate with that vile man just because he's the founder of your house."
Ron and Hermione winced, but Severus just rolled his eyes and muttered, "You have no idea."
"Two more guests, Molly," announced Moody. He strolled into the kitchen, followed by Sal, Godric, and a bemused Sirius.
Godric beamed at their hostess. "You must be Molly Weasley! You look as fresh and lovely as the apples I baked into our pie!"
Ron groaned. "That's not the least bit creepy."
Cutting in front of Godric before he could begin his flirting in earnest, Sal offered his hand to Molly. "Hello, Mrs. Weasley. It's so lovely to meet you. We really appreciate your hospitality this week. Hogwarts does a nice Christmas, but I've heard so much about your famous roast. I simply couldn't turn down the invitation to join your family."
Molly merely looked at Sal's hand distrustfully. "Well, I couldn't very well turn away a friend of the Headmaster."
There was an awkward moment of silence before Sirius lifted the dish in his hands. "They brought pie."
Sal watched as Molly offered Godric a fourth helping of potatoes. He leaned over to whisper at Hermione. "Why does she not like me? I've been so charming. Does she not like apple pie?"
Hermione frowned. "I thought Godric baked the pie."
"It was my idea," said Sal.
Hermione sent him a sympathetic look. "I wouldn't worry about it. Remember when she was giving me the brush-off in fourth year after she'd read those Skeeter articles?"
Ron leaned over to join the conversation. "Yeah, and you didn't just have one or two bad articles. You've had centuries of bad press." He immediately winced as Hermione's elbow connected sharply with his ribs. "Cheer up, mate. We'll change her mind."
Sal's shoulders slumped pathetically as Molly smiled at Godric. "Apparently, plastering one's buttocks on the ceiling of a school for children is more forgivable than allegedly siring a line of dark lords," he muttered.
Ron stared at him incredulously. "And that surprises you?"
"...no."
Fortunately, Godric wasn't simply basking in the Weasley matron's attention. He was making every effort to put in a good word for his best friend. "I'm feeling a little sad that everyone seems so against Sal these days," he complained to Molly. "He's really a wonderful person. It's all because that horrible Wimpleweaver woman spread those lies about him."
Molly, though officially against gossiping, was never one to pass up an opportunity to obtain useful information. "What woman is that?"
Godric proceeded to unfold the heartbreaking tale of poor, misunderstood Salazar Slytherin and the evil witch who hijacked his family legacy. It was a stunning performance. "And of course there was the fact that Sal never had anyone looking out for his best interests when he was a child. So used to shouldering the burdens of life on his own. We did the best we could, Rowena and Helga and I, but we could offer no absolute proof that Dorcas' spawn inherited his gift from her. She never spoke Parseltongue in public, you know. The better to seal Salazar Jr's identity in the eyes of the ignorant masses. Worst thing to ever happen to Hogwarts, and poor Sal wasn't even around to defend himself!"
Molly's eyes shone with unshed tears. "Oh, the poor man!" She turned resolutely to Sal. "Professor Slytherin, please have some more roast beef. You're far too thin. Ron, pass him the gravy. And Severus,don't even think of keeping that last roll for yourself."
Ron grinned as Molly snatched the lump of bread from Severus' hands and redirected every last bit of food remaining on the table toward her new favorite guest. "Told you, mate. Mum's rather predictable like that."
Hermione caught Godric's eye, and the two shared a conspiratorial wink.
Dinner was finally winding down when Sal looked across the table at a very grumpy roll-deprived Potions Master. "Severus, have I ever told you about the time I was chased by a rampaging werewolf?"
Remus and Sirius exchanged nervous glances, but Severus looked unimpressed. "No."
Undeterred by his friend's lack of enthusiasm for the topic, Sal continued, "Luckily, my godfather was there to save me. He struggled valiantly with the wolf while my friends and I got to safety."
Remus attempted to clear his throat. "Was he killed?"
"Oh no. He was fine," Sal waved his hand dismissively.
Remus frowned. "And the wolf didn't bite him?"
"Um…" Sal looked thoughtful. "You know, I don't know. He seemed fine when next I saw him. Well, aside from being unconscious, but that was the dementors."
Sirius shuddered. "I hate dementors."
"Of course you do," Sal tutted sympathetically.
Remus stared at Sal. Then he looked at Sirius. Then he looked back at Sal, then at Ron and Hermione, then Severus, and then he looked back at Sal. "How…?"
Sal smirked. "All in a day's work for the son of a marauder."
Remus continued to stare for several more seconds before his eyes lit up and a mischievous grin spread across his face. It took ten years off him, really. Then he turned to Severus. "I expect details later."
Severus rolled his eyes. "Obviously."
Sirius frowned. "Details? What details? What are we talking about?"
Several anvil-sized hints after they had adjourned to the sitting room to enjoy the glow of the fairy lights around the tree, Sirius was still confused. Something was going on. Remus knew about it. Snape knew about it. Everyone seemed to know about it. Nobody was telling him what it was. The Headmaster wouldn't stop twinkling, and the twins were definitely up to something - but that didn't really mean anything.
Remus was in full troll mode. "So, tell us, Professor Slytherin," he began again.
"Oh, please call me Sal."
"Of course, Sal. You must have had a brilliant potions instructor to become so adept at the subject. Your skill is legendary. Who taught you?"
Severus stiffened. He probably didn't appreciate being outshone by a man who obviously annoyed him. Or perhaps he was still sore about that roll.
Sal laughed. "That man should never have been allowed within thirty feet of children."
"Why on earth would you say that?" asked Remus in his overly innocent tone. Definitely up to something.
"He hated children. Every single lesson, it was: 'Slytherin, I said mince, not dice!'...'Another zero for today, Slytherin!'..." Sal's impersonation of his potions instructor sounded an awful lot like Snape. "'I'd award full points, but the assignment was to make a burn salve, not a corrosive that can eat through six inches of solid oak in under a minute'...'Slytherin! Detention! Perhaps you can finally make use of that disgraceful mop you call hair by scouring this lab from top to bottom.'"
Snape glared at Sal, who merely shrugged and said, "Well, all right, I made that last one up, but it's pretty in character."
Molly tutted at Sal soothingly and handed him a fresh cup of tea and a biscuit. "How on earth did you learn anything in such a hostile environment?"
Sal shrugged again. "Trial and error. Lots and lots of error. Luckily, Rowena was able to invent the pensieve so I could go back through my memories and study the lessons without any emotional distractions."
Sassy was leading everyone in a round of Christmas carols. He really did have a lovely singing voice. His tenor paired well with Godric's baritone as they presented a duet version of "The Boar's Head Carol". Everyone cheered as the last "Domino" faded into silence. Sassy managed a pleased bow from atop his perch on Godric's head. "Thank you, thank you! That was always Helga's favorite, you know. Actually, I have it on good authority that it's one of Mister Potter's favorites as well."
Suddenly, everyone looked at each other in dismay. "Um...where is Harry?"
Omake: Are you even listening to me?
Severus gave his tea an exact 3.5 stirs clockwise. "Have you figured out the logistics of your Holiday break?"
Sal sighed. "Well, Hermione is insisting I give the time turner a break. She's worried about overexposure to myself, or something like that. Actually, I wasn't really listening. After all these years, I've apparently programmed my ears to cancel out her lecture frequency. All I hear is 'Really, Harry...blah blah blah...you can't assume...blah blah…' Do you think I should see a healer about that? I mean, people don't normally use the word 'blah' that much in normal speech, do they?"
Severus blew across the top of his steaming cup before taking a sip. "I don't know. I seem to encounter that word with surprising frequency myself."
**For those of you interested in a little early holiday cheer, various renditions of "The Boar's Head Carol" can be found on YouTube.
