A turning point

- Jen Sahara -


"Are you too weak to use the Force in battle?" the Cathar mocked me, her slanted yellow eyes glinting in triumph. She was tall, my height or slightly more, with an athletic frame that rippled with muscle under her short, downy fur. Torn clothing hung from her wiry frame, smattered in dark markings that could have been dried mud or dried blood. Her face was angular and exotic, with fine stripes of soft fuzz tracing along her cheekbones. Her only hair hung from a warrior's tail at the crown of her head.

She was strong and fast and had the backing of the Force. And she was winning, while I was fighting a battle on more than one front.

Jen?

The opaque window of Jen Sahara that clouded my psyche was cracking; and as shards of her clattered away, a sense of stark reality shone in like raw sunlight after a sense-numbing storm.

I had not felt this alive since Taris.

Fear and rage intertwined in my mind, and a strong desire to see this feline stranger dead at my hands followed in its wake.

Jen? Anger leads to the Dark Side! What is going on? Bastila's voice was actually lecturing me in my head. In my own sodding head. Demanding and pleading and intruding where she had no sodding right.

"I – am – trying – to!" I snarled back at the crazy Dark Jedi, ignoring Bastila for the meantime. My side burned and my cheek throbbed, but both were minor injuries. So far, I had been lucky, but luck alone would not vouchsafe my survival for much longer.

I could sense the Force around me, fuelling everything with life and energy and begging to be used, but my attempts to clutch at it were rebuffed by some unseen hand. I'd grasped for it on Taris, instinctively reaching out when required, but sometimes it had failed me. Sometimes it had bent to my will. How could I have thought the bond wasn't real? And the Force? What's been going on – who am I?

What do you mean? You are Jen Sahara!

I am Jen Sahara. The meek voice echoed her faintly, but it was not compelling enough to convince me. Not anymore.

Shut up! I snarled back, to myself and Bastila both.

Juhani laughed low in her throat; a purr almost. She took a few running steps, and I somehow knew a Force-propelled jump was coming. I waited until the last moment before lurching to the side. Her 'saber glanced past my shoulder, and I felt the searing heat come perilously close to another injury.

Where are you? Bastila demanded. Please, talk to me! Are you still on the Ebon Hawk?

Juhani raised a hand, and intuition turned my stomach. I couldn't sense it, but that was Dark Force building within her grasp. No way to dodge that, I thought wildly as I leapt to the side regardless.

It engulfed me, searing deep into my limbs, closing my throat.

"No!" I screamed, as I felt the dark oozing of something wrong, something evil, taint my body inside. Sick poison swelled in my throat, and I swallowed limbs felt drugged, slowed. Drugged? A flicker of recollection hit me. Bastila, you backstabbing schutta! You drugged me!

No! I had no choice! Please, I can explain!

I stumbled backwards, gagging as the corruption dug poisonous fingers deep into my body. My vision clouded, and as the Cathar advanced very real fear coiled deep within me. I can't win this, unless I use the Force! It was still there, surrounding me, taunting me with its inaccessibility. I growled, and grasped for it once more. My mental lunge landed against an invisible barrier, a shield, caging me away from the Force. What is that? That isn't normal!

But then, at once, it gave way under my pressure, and the sweet taste of power filled me in a rushing torrent.

Panic emanated from Bastila's presence within my mind.

"I will not go down like this!" I snarled as the Force sang through my limbs, lifting the aching tiredness and invigorating me with life. Instinct mastered rational thought, and somehow I squeezed the tainted power running through my body, collecting it in a ball and flinging it straight back at the Cathar. Fury pummelled a glorious beat within me, strengthening the Force, and there was nothing that could withstand me, certainly not some pathetic animal-killing Cathar.

Get her, now!

I sprang forward, and as I did so the Force was cut from my grasp, like a knife through frostti cream, and it slithered beyond my reach once more. No!

My anger still held momentum through my limbs, and I sprang forward, attacking, vibrosword lunging at the Cathar's torso. She dodged the first blow, her movements unnaturally slow as her own poison worked against her. I stabbed towards her heart but she parried, stronger now, and counter-attacked with a wild swing that had me leaping backwards yet again.

"I will win this!" Juhani shrieked, and her hand flung out, accompanied by a wall of invisible might that forced me backwards. I fought her Force attack with every muscle, every sinew, a growl of pure determination ripping from my throat; but it was useless without having access to the Force myself.

The Cathar's hand raised and clenched in a fist. An invisible band tightened around my neck, clamping down hard, restricting breathing. I choked, spluttering, my free hand clutching at my throat in reflex. She calls this a Force grip? Pathetic! a dark voice sneered in my head, but I still sank to my knees under the weight of it. I will not go down to some cowering Force user who spends her days challenging desert beasts!

Jen? Where are you? Bastila was pleading now, a hysterical edge to her mental voice that grated even as I ignored it. Please, answer me!

The fury was blinding, overriding my fear, my despair, any form of rational thought. It was pure, unmitigated rage, and it blasted through me, shattering an invisible barrier with its sheer power. The Force hummed as it flooded through me once more, and I flung it out viciously towards the Cathar.

Pure unadulterated panic stormed through the mind-link from my unwanted bond-sister.

"You will bow to ME!" I snarled, and could feel nothing but this menacing, malevolent fury at all who opposed my will. She will bow, or she will die. The Cathar was back on her feet, then, and for the first time looked genuinely frightened. She should be afraid of me. All who defy me have reason to fear! I am the master! The power sailed unchecked through me, the power to rule planets, to bend minds, to make everything how it should be-

My mind stumbled, tripped over itself, twitched, as I at once comprehended the nature of my own deluded thoughts. The fury damped down, suffocated by confusion and not a small amount of fear. What am I thinking? That is… not right. It's not what I want-

The panic from Bastila was so fierce I could taste it. And yet again, I felt something snap cleanly through my attachment with the Force. Why does that keep happening? The Force shouldn't work that way!

Bu-but you don't – you cannot know how the Force works!

Bastila? Suspicion reared like a rancor within me. Do you have something to do with this block?

The bond was silent.

I saw a mask of superiority fall back down on Juhani's face. She growled, and lunged towards me again, a vicious swipe of the 'saber that I blocked while snarling, muscles burning as blood-red sparked against the vibrosword. I held her at bay, but only for a moment. She had the Force on her side, and I did not.

"The Force has failed you!" the Cathar crowed triumphantly, staring at me from behind that blood-red beam. She would end me, and soon, if I did not find a way to reach my own power.

I need the Force. I need it now! We jumped apart, and I sprang forward, swiping at her legs in a move she dodged with ease.

Are you in danger? Please, let me come to you! There was a wavering hesitancy in the bond, as if Bastila was beginning to understand that I might actually be in mortal peril. Where are you, Jen?

I reached out to the Force again. Like I was opening my mind, stretching my senses, a psychic exercise that seemed inherently familiar... but, still, there was nothing there. I had the sense of an invisible net enclosing me on all sides, separating me from the salvation I required. There's something there, blocking me. I know it. And I know I've broken through it twice today. But how?

Sometimes, there'd been no barrier at all. The Force had simply been waiting for me, ready to bend to my will. Pazaak, in the Upper City, that was the first time. But it didn't work in Javyar's cantina. I'd slipped past the Sith guard to the turbolift. Enhanced my speed, more than once. Couldn't do a frelling thing but run away on the swoop track, though. So... why did it sometimes work for me, and sometimes not?

Like a lightning strike of clarity, I suddenly saw the connection. Every time the power had risen to my fingertips, Bastila had been absent from my head. Unconscious, or cut off by a neural disruptor. Unable to...

I lurched backwards from a hopeful swing of the rabid Cathar, my thoughts still racing.

Unable to shield me, due to incapacitation. The only time I've truly destroyed her shields is today, through brute strength. It is her. It is her!

"If you will not use the Force, I will end it here!" the Cathar yelled, and my vibrosword flew wildly out of my hand.

No. No! I stared at Juhani in a furious disbelief undercut with denial. It will not end here. It can't end here! Bastila! Give me the sodding Force before I die!

Juhani flung her hand out once more, and I was driven backwards, losing my balance and slamming onto the sand. The air gusted out of my lungs.

Jen! Please, I had to! For your own safety!

My own safety? The fury was black and thick and boiling tar, burning hot through my body. This deranged Cathar will kill me if you don't back off right now, and let me use the Force!

"I am your doom!" Juhani howled over me, and lunged to stab her lightsaber through my chest.

I reached out, enraged and panicked, and a sudden deluge of raw power flushed through my body. A snarl ripped from my lungs, and instinct moulded the Force into the tool I needed, I required, I deserved.

Juhani was frozen above me, her 'saber an inch from my heart.

I blinked, rolled away, and scrambled to my feet.

My vibrosword glinted at me from a distance, and my hand rose of its own volition. Instinctively I drew in on the Force, and the weapon came flying, snapping back to my hand.

I was completely unprepared for Juhani's lightsaber to come swinging back at me also. I dodged, yelping in surprise, and the weapon fell behind me. It deactivated as it landed with a soft thump and the fail-safe kicked in.

Juhani snarled and stumbled, breaking free of the stasis.

I have the Force now. She will die! A cold smile curved my lips as I eyed the angry Cathar over. I took a step backwards, and grabbed her 'saber. It hissed slowly as I turned it on.

The Force sang through it, strong and rich and twisted.

Jedi do not kill!

I am no Jedi, Bastila!

I held the red lightsaber in my primary hand, whirling it experimentally. It felt like an extension of my limb, like the power of the Force was focused and augmented through the plasma beam. Like anything was possible.

I could feel the burn of pain against my side, but it was meaningless. The Force riding through me was all that mattered. And with the vibrosword in my off-hand, I felt at ease. In truth, the melee vibro felt slightly unwieldly; heavy and cumbersome in comparison to the 'saber – but there was something about the form that held the familiarity of coming home. Two weapons. I fight with two weapons.

"You are strong," The Cathar murmured, as her eerie golden gaze fixated on the 'saber now within my grasp. I could see the disillusionment on her face. She knows this is her end. "Stronger than me, even in my darkness."

A smile of triumph grew on my face as I advanced. The bitterness grew on the Cathar's face, but she lifted her head proudly, resolute, even at the end. It fit, with what I knew of her warrior race. They were no cowards. Even at the edge of defeat, they would fight back, and so she did – a hand lifted and a compressed shockwave rippled through the air.

I laughed as I deflected it. So easy, so weak, and the power of life vibrated an echo of my amusement. It danced through my veins, alive and electric. There was no rational thought, just some deep instinct that took control, warped the power, and radiated it outwards.

Bright hot sparks danced across my vision, and static streaks of charged bolts jumped from fingertips I hadn't even realized I had raised.

Juhani screamed as the electricity embraced her lithe body. Cold raging victory curved my lips as I watched her dispassionately, as she writhed, grunting in pain. Sparks danced across her body as I stared in fascination.

This is not the way! Bastila was shrieking, a tiny voice of conscience in my head.

I blocked it out.

I heard a scream of fear from behind me. Mission! The Force fell from my grasp in shock as I whirled around, remembering my companions. They were no longer imprisoned, and Mission was on her knees, horror etched on her young face. The Wookiee held out his vibrosword in readiness, but did not budge from Mission's side.

"Mission," I mumbled through dry lips. What am I becoming? "Zaalbar?"

"End it!" Juhani demanded in a desolate voice, wresting back my attention. "End my torment!"

The reminder of my foe flared the rage back to prominence, and I spun around, resolve renewed, and strode back towards the Cathar. She was on the ground, faint smoke wafting from her fur. You don't have to ask me twice! The dark superiority filled me again and I felt the sparks spring to life in my hand, ready to fly again towards my enemy, for I was in control here, I had the power of life or death-

Mission whimpered, and I faltered.

Can I kill someone in cold blood, in front of Mission? The Cathar stared at me through alien yellow eyes that were full of despair. I don't answer to anyone! The voice sneered in my head, and I took another step forward.

"Jen," Mission whispered behind me, and I heard a soft grunt from the Wookiee. My resolve teetered on the edge once more.

Juhani was standing defenceless in front of me, brave pride holding her head high as she faced her end. Scorch marks and blood darkened the short downy fur on her arms. I paused again. Mission and Zaalbar are watching.

So what? They are nothing to me! I lifted Juhani's lightsaber towards her neck, felt the dark power of the Force hum in tandem with the scarlet 'saber, and saw acceptance on the Cathar's face. There was a sob behind me.

No!

"Kill me now, while you still have the power," Juhani mumbled, her face close to mine. I stared into those tormented yellow eyes, and the maelstrom of emotions there reflected my own. Against my volition, my fingers hit the power switch on the lightsaber. It deactivated, hissing as it retracted.

Her eyes widened. "What is it you want?"

I could smell the tinny scent of blood on the air. I wasn't sure if it was hers or mine. To know who I am. To not have voices in my head. To be able to use the Force, consistently. Now there's a thought. "I'll let you live, Cathar, if you teach me how to use the Force properly," I said softly.

Juhani took a step back in surprise, shocked laughter escaping her lips. One hand clutched at the opposite arm, and she wavered unsteadily on her feet. "You cannot be serious! I have fallen! I am too weak for the Jedi, and too weak for the Dark Side!"

"Such insecurity," I mocked, and saw the resultant anger flash in her slanted eyes.

"Leave me to my torment, or kill me now!"

Why do I not just kill her? I felt a shield slam down over my senses as the Force was cut off yet again. Bastila. The thought was weary rather than angry, this time. Like a harping shrew, Bastila's very presence was inordinately exasperating.

Maybe now you will listen to me and tell me what is going on! she demanded. I cannot allow you to use the Force that way! I could feel anger there, from her, but there was also fear. Fear of me? Of course. For my rage had been real enough, and so had my dark use of the Force.

But the Cathar was hobbled, for now, and I was in not in any immediate danger. More than anything, I felt tired and annoyed. And deeply confused at everything.

At Jen Sahara. At acting like someone I was not, under a cloud of fogginess and a personality more foreign to me than Evil Bitch.

Oh, my rage was real enough. It was still there, simmering, deep within my gut.

My attention snapped back to the Cathar. Without the Force, bone-aching tiredness and burning pain from my side swung back to life.

"Ever had voices in your head, Juhani?" I asked the Cathar dryly. She blinked at me, and I could tell she didn't know what to make of me. I don't know what to make of me. I'm sure Bastila doesn't either.

I couldn't trust Bastila, but she held power over me. Juhani was the first Force-user I'd come across, barring Bastila. Maybe she could help me. Maybe she can teach me how to break through Bastila's shields.

"In return for sparing your life, you can train me in the ways of the Force."

"Training? You, who bested me?" The pitch of her voice was high; disbelieving and incredulous. Her slanted tawny eyes widened as she stared at me.

"I don't know what I'm doing," I told her flatly as I sheathed my vibrosword. I held onto her deactivated saber; I did not think she was a threat anymore, but I wasn't stupid, either. "Tuition seems a sensible course, and you've obviously had some Jedi training."

Juhani looked away. "When I slew my Master, Quatra, I knew I could never go back," she mumbled. "I embraced the Dark Side and fled Dantooine. The only path left to me was this one, but at least it would give me the power to crush any who dared cross my path. Or so I thought."

My eyes narrowed. "You embraced the Dark Side, yet you ran away to hide on some remote desert planet?" I scoffed. "I don't think you're as far down the dark road as you believe, Juhani."

"Why are you talking at me still?" she snarled, her voice rising in pitch. "I cannot help you – I will not help you! I am nothing!"

"Nothing?" I snapped in derision. "No, you only managed to incapacitate a Twi'lek, a Wookiee and an insane robot with a wave of your hand!" I turned back to look at HK-47; he was still out of action. I'd barely had time to think about his acquisition, and there he was, a heap of disabled metal. I frowned. "Speaking of which, you owe me for repair parts. That's going to be at least a hundred credits." I folded my arms and stared back defiantly at the Cathar. Mission snorted behind me.

Juhani shook her head in apparent bafflement. "Who are you? Are you just going to hound me constantly until I agree to your incredible demands?"

"Sounds good to me." I smirked. If I can get this Cathar to teach me the Force, then I'll-

WHAT? Bastila's resounding scream echoed through my head, and I winced, raising a hand to cradle my face. Instead of killing whomever you have encountered, you are using them as a teacher?

Talk about your permanent migraine. Every time I thought I sensed Bastila at her most demanding, panicked, fearful state; her emotions seemed to top a new level.

I had to get rid of this bond.

"How can you be so foolish as to ask this?" Juhani asked, and her gaze was as serious as her voice was soft. "I have fallen, and I can never go back. Yet you would trust me to teach you?"

"I don't trust you, Juhani," I said flatly. Fallen, hah. She didn't fall. She ran away. "Make one wrong move and I will kill you without a thought. However, keep your anger under control and we might just have a working relationship."

No. No! I will teach you! Bastila pleaded in my head.

You have a lot to answer for, Bastila. I responded coldly.

I- yes. Perhaps I do. But I will not entrust your Force tutelage to some strange evil Force-user you have just met!

I laughed suddenly. "And now she wants to teach me," I muttered to myself. "Damn you, Bastila Shan." She was becoming as bad as Carth in keeping me off-balance. But Bastila was dangerous where he was not, and had a hold on me that I couldn't deny.

But it was the doctor who screwed my mind on Taris, not Bastila. That was true. My thoughts raced, trying to pick through the haziness of the last few days. It was all a clouded dream.

"Who- what did you say?" Juhani whispered, blinking at me. "You know Bastila Shan?"

I stared at her warily. Should I let Bastila know who I had encountered? There didn't seem to be any reason not to, other than pique. Pique felt rather tempting, though.

Bastila, heard of a Cathar called Juhani before?

Bastila was silent for a moment; a tense knot inside my head. That is who you met? Her mental voice was calmer, now, more controlled. She was a Padawan at the Dantooine Enclave. She disappeared more than a year ago, and her Master searched for her in vain.

I frowned at the Cathar staring back at me. She said she killed her master.

No, although I believe she came close. Please, bring her back to the ship and I shall meet you there. Juhani cannot have fallen far to the Dark Side. I can help her. Bastila sounded genuine. I wondered idly if it was possible to fake emotions within this strange bond of ours, as Bastila seemed truly concerned. I was not particularly disposed to think anything positive of her. And part of me couldn't believe we were having an ongoing conversation in my frelling head. And at how natural it felt.

"Yes, I know her," I replied to Juhani finally. "Annoying stuck-up Jedi. Won't stop yelling at me inside my own head."

"Inside your head? What do you mean?"

"I- oh, I don't know," I grumped. I need some time alone. Away from this angry Cathar, away from Bastila. Mission had walked cautiously to my side and laid a gentle hand on my arm. Away from anyone I care about. Caring was a weakness. Wasn't it?

Juhani looked at the others warily, and Mission was frowning in return. My cheek throbbed from earlier when I had slammed it into a rock, and the burn on my side was chafing against the clothes. I'd been lucky to escape without any real injury, I knew.

"Juhani, this is Mission and Zaalbar. Try not to kill them again."

Juhani actually flinched at that, her golden gaze darting between them both. The fact that she was so uncertain now, devoid of the dark emotions that had gripped her earlier, strengthened my judgment of her. She wasn't a true Dark-sider. Zaalbar growled, stepping up to flank Mission who was still standing close to me. The Wookiee was still holding his vibrosword, black eyes fixed on the Cathar who stood nervously before us all.

"Let's go back to Anchorhead," I said to everyone at large. "I want to go back to Yuka Laka's. Turns out the Ithorian sold us a droid with bust shields. He's going to remedy that." HK-47 has lasted a stupidly short time, and I wondered if his shields had degraded in storage. Still, his reflexes had been good, and his warning would have been useful had I not been stumbling around in a stupor. My gaze wandered back to the Cathar. "We'll go back to our freighter after the droid is fixed. Bastila is there, and wants to talk to you. You owe me some Force lessons too." My grip tightened on the foreign lightsaber. "I'm holding onto your weapon, though."

"Jen," Mission said, and I turned, raising an eyebrow at the girl. She looked uncertain. "What about Griff? I mean, I know we're not in any shape for it today, it's just…" she trailed off. That's right. Her selfish brother. There'd been that encounter in the Anchorhead cantina, when I'd cowered in the corner and barely make a single peep.

That can't happen again. I was angry, oh was I angry, but there was genuine fear there, too. What if it does happen again? I'd be avoiding doctors from now on. Could I be certain that Bastila was uninvolved though?

She must have had something to do with Jen Sahara's origin - or she knew something, at the least. She owed me some damn answers. My eyes narrowed.

"It's just…" Mission said again, frowning. "What is Bastila tries to stop us going out again?"

"Oh, she won't." I smiled coldly at the Twi'lek. "She can try, if she likes. In fact, I almost hope she does."

xXx

Juhani stumbled in front of us as we made our way back to Anchorhead. I didn't wish that crazy Cathar at my back, but the defiance had gone from her. She seemed calmer, resigned to whatever fate I was leading her to. Mission and Zaalbar threw me worried glances but said little as we trudged on the dunes.

I pondered over the strange sense of familiarity that struck me back in the droid shop. Back then, I still fully believed I was Jen. My last clear memory had been the exhilarating escape from the Taris swoop track, and the dash to safety afterwards. Everything that occurred after that was a hazy muddle of barely remembered events. Just like the Endar Spire. I won't let this happen again. A surge of furious determination swelled throughout me.

"You're okay now, right Jen?" Mission asked, breaking through my angry thoughts.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I lied.

"B-but we're heading back now to the others. To Bastila," Mission stammered.

I looked sideways at the Twi'lek, and wondered what she was thinking. Did she blame Bastila for my behaviour? Did I? Zaalbar said nothing, other than an irritated huff as he walked on the other side of Mission.

The days after the swoop race were a muddle of barely remembered events. It was interesting that I could recall all of Jen's history and early memories with relative clarity, but not since we had left Taris.

What are we doing on Tatooine? Weren't we headed towards Alderaan? I frowned. There'd been some sort of attack from the Sith, though. No, that had been Taris. My eyes slid to Mission, and I recalled just how upset she had been, and likely still was.

But there'd been a second battle when we exited hyperspace. Mission had spoken about it, quietly, as she sat huddled in the port quarters we called our temporary home. The neutral planet of Dantooine had been under attack-

Dantooine. Bastila said that was Juhani's home Enclave. A Jedi Enclave.

Bastila had persuaded me to travel to Alderaan, but we'd headed to a Jedi planet instead.

She lied. She lied, and she drugged me. Anger stirred again, fierce and fiery, in heat waves that prickled over my skin. Bastila had tried to herd me towards a trap.

Would she have done that? She claimed, on Taris, to only want to help me. Maybe she had good intentions? Then why hadn't she just told me? Because I'd refused to follow her, back on Taris. No. No, I couldn't trust anything that came out of the snot's mouth. She'd proven her lack of trustworthiness. No matter what was wrong with my mind, no matter who I really was – Street Kid or Evil Bitch – I couldn't trust her.

But, I could learn what I needed to use the Force from both Bastila and Juhani, and then I would disappear. Just enough to embrace it consistently. To ensure Bastila's shields can be overpowered.

And then I would leave. Bastila would not betray me again.

The stone walls of Anchorhead rose up to meet us, and Juhani paused in front. Her head bowed, and one hand batted uselessly at her filthy and torn tunic. It flapped in the slight breeze, covered in blood, sweat and dirt.

"I bet you'll be glad for a shower," I muttered as I walked closer. Her slanted gaze turned to fix on me in confusion.

"I do not understand you," she said softly. "I tried to kill you, and you act as if it never happened. I have fallen to the Dark Side, and yet you leave yourself open to attack."

"Sun and stars, Juhani, give over already," I said wearily. "You're a strong warrior, and you don't give yourself enough credit. If you were truly evil, you would have lashed out at me again."

"You are trusting; foolish almost. A naïve attitude I once shared."

"We all have our demons to fight, Juhani." I shrugged. "I don't need you to be another one of mine."

"You struggle with the Dark Side also," she whispered, and her alien eyes glistened as they stared at me. "I have sensed the anger and hate within you."

"Guess that makes us two of a kind then, huh?"

She shook her head, a mournful expression on her face. "No. You bested me, in my darkness."

"Stop it! You're stronger than this whining," I snapped.

"Strength... I suppose there is strength in resisting anger. The Dark Side of the Force is not what I thought." Her lilting voice had dropped to a mere whisper, and she had bowed her head once more. She was a bit of an enigma, I thought, as I eyed her over in interest. She seemed to think little of herself at times, and yet I would also call her proud. A bit of a contradication; maybe we did have more in common than she would admit.

"You mentioned killing your master in rage earlier. I assume you fled immediately after. I don't think you fell to the Dark Side as much as used it as an excuse for your own failure," I said flatly. Harsh words that resulted in the Cathar jerking her head up to meet mine, her eyes flashing with fury. I smirked as I saw her gaze drop to the deactivated lightsaber held loosely in my hand.

"You think to judge me? You-" Juhani breathed in deeply as my grip tightened. Her expression became cold, remote. "What would you presume to know of the Dark Side, human?"

I shrugged. Like I can remember. "I don't presume to know anything, Cathar. It just strikes me that you were running, that's all."

"I failed my Master! I failed them all. What else could I do?" Desperation chased the lingering rage from her slanted yellow eyes, and once more she stood in front of me, miserable and despondent.

"Learn from your mistakes?" I said sarcastically.

She blinked at me, surprised and silent. I sighed. "Look, if there's one organization that preaches forgiveness and overcoming one's flaws, it's the sodding Jedi. Did you even think about going back?"

I felt the solid presence of Zaalbar at my back, and Mission next to him. The large automatic gates were not far behind Juhani, who stood there, wild and unkempt, staring at me intently.

At long last she let out a pent up breath. "Maybe you are correct. Maybe if I had the strength to take responsibility for my actions... the strength to resist my dark emotions. You have given me much to think upon, despite the callous tone of your words."

I scowled. "Callous or not, you will still teach me."

The Cathar inclined her head, but no emotion showed on her dirt-streaked face.

"I will repeat that I doubt I have much to teach you." She turned around to stared back at the looming walls of Anchorhead, and lowered her voice to a dusky whisper. "I do not wish to walk through crowds of strangers, looking like this. I never thought I would fall victim to vanity."

I laughed in surprise. She didn't strike me as the sort who would care for the opinion of strangers, but she also looked a right mess. I doubted her clothing could be restored. The light amber fur that covered her body likely kept any sunburn away; had either Mission or I been clothed the same, we would no doubt be feeling the effects of exposure. Even the warrior's tail on the top of the Cathar's head was congealed together with some dark matter. She'd been a sight before we'd run into her. "You look like a tough Cathar warrior who's just seen and won a fight to the death." I imagined the citizens of Anchorhead would give her a wide berth. "Hah, I don't look too hot myself." My cheek was stiff with bruising and blood, and there was a blackened rent in the loose desert robes. "I doubt anyone will approach us. We'll just challenge them if they try, and I'm sure they'll back off."

Mission snickered behind me, but Juhani looked surprised. "You make light of the situation. You baffle me."

I grinned at the Cathar, and motioned her onwards. Zaalbar was walking next to me, gazing at me with serious eyes. His arms were full with the dismantled parts of HK.

"(Be careful, Jen. You may be a little too trusting of someone who almost succeeded in killing you.)"

"Don't worry, I'm not," I told him flatly. I was ready to flick Juhani's lightsaber on at the first sign of betrayal. But somehow I doubted the Cathar would turn on me again. Despite her earlier bent towards gratuitous violence, she now struck me as an honourable sort. Either that or I was particularly terrible at reading people.

The large automatic gates were made of some sort of durasteel alloy, bolted into the stone walls on either side. There was a sliding hole on one side, behind which was a Czerka guard.

"Uh, guys?" Mission's tentative voice had us stopping and turning. "Um, I can't find the hunting license. Or my tech spikes. I think they fell from my belt when she pushed us over." Mission's uncertainty vanished as she scowled at Juhani, folding her arms.

"(Shall we turn back?)" Zaalbar rumbled, shifting the droid in his arms.

"I'd rather get to the droid shop before it closes," I said, taking note of the low sun in the sky. The second one had already set. "Leave this to me."

I struck out, walking decisively towards the gates, and knocking on them loudly. There was a grating noise as the small sliding window was opened, and the beady eyes of a Czerka-clad Rodian stared back at me.

"Who are you?" he demanded.

"Hunters," I responded. "You know, the people who head out to the dunes and kill stuff?"

"I don't recognize you. I didn't let you out," he said boldly.

"Guard here every waking hour, do you?" I snapped. "Let us in."

"Where's your hunting license?" he asked suspiciously.

The Force, Bastila. Stop blocking me, or I swear I'll... I trailed my mind thought off. I didn't know what I was going to do. I hadn't quite thought that far ahead. But the barrier was gone when I reached out, and it was effortless to draw it in, fill my mind and my senses with life. I stared at the Rodian guard on the other side of the gate who had not been there this morning.

"I don't need a hunting license," I told him, my voice firm and commanding, the Force flickering all around me.

He scowled. "Everyone needs a hunting license, you idiot! You think Czerka lets just anybody walk the dunes?"

Well, that didn't frelling work. I breathed the Force in further, deep into my body and mind, ready to try once more.

But then suddenly my senses went into overdrive. The Force extended outwards under my fumbling grasp, and I became aware of the beings of life all around me in a wide sweeping radius. Mission, Zaalbar, and the Czerka guard were very faint, while Juhani was a bright, moody knot of confusion. Further beyond, I could sense a morass of life throughout all of Anchorhead, made from a thousand tiny specks of life and all indistinguishable from each other. Whoa. Here and there a brighter spot flared. My minds-eye touched on three such beings, dark and strong. And further, beyond them, there was a pulsing of white light that blazed brighter than anything else. Is that Bastila? What is this?

My confusion caused my hold on the Force to fumble and drop, and at once I was back to myself, blinking at the gate guard in confusion.

"Look, are you going to rack off, or do you want things to turn ugly?" the Czerka thug sneered, and my concentration snapped back to him.

I felt my brows lower in irritation. "I said, I don't need a hunting license." I forced out, trying to push power behind every word with deliberate thought.

"Trying to be funny, are you?" the guard snapped angrily.

"This is ludicrous," Juhani said, her voice in impatient as she shot me a wary look. "Perhaps I understand why you need a teacher." She turned her attention to the hole in the Anchorhead gate. "We do not need a hunting license." There. I could feel it, the Force, as it hummed weakly with the reverberation of her words, interleaving with the noise and giving her message an extra weight it would otherwise not have.

"I guess you don't, uh, need, um..." the guard trailed off, and then his face twisted in confusion. "Uh, hang on!"

A faint blush was evident beneath the dirty fuzz on the Cathar's face. She glanced at me sheepishly. "I am afraid this sort of Force use was never my strong point, and I have been out of practice for some time."

Mission guffawed in outright laughter, while I struggled to hide a snigger. The guard, however, was less than impressed.

"Go away!" he snarled, and our attention was drawn to a grating noise from the top of the gates. Turrets were swinging to aim at us, and just like that, my amusement vanished. "No licence, no entry!"

"I think I know how this Force thing works," Mission said, an impish note in her voice as she smirked at me. She stepped forward to address the guard. "Don't worry about them, they've gone a bit la-la from too much time out in the desert." She tapped the side of her head as she gave the guard a sympathetic smile. "I've gotta get them to a doc. Look, open the door and I'll slip you two hundred credits? I need to get these two eggheads out of the sun."

Mission grabbed a couple of prepaid chits from her belt - and where in the Outer Rim had she found those? – and slid them through the opening of the gate. A moment later, and the large doors creaked open.

We walked inside cautiously, as three Czerka guards stared at us from behind raised blasters. Nevertheless, I had seen Juhani's attempt, and felt confident of reproducing it.

"(Jen,)" Zaalbar growled, a warning in his voice as I stepped over to the guard at the gate. "(We are inside. This is time to leave well enough alone.)"

He was right, I realized, as a blaster aimed straight at my head. But I could end that thug's life in an instant. It was a bit galling to admit, but the purpose for trying a mind trick once more would only be to satisfy my own pride. Reckless idiot, a voice said affectionately in my head. Overconfidence, a different voice, this one old and sneering with disapproval. You were always too damnably overconfident.

I shivered, the voices fled, and I turned to nod at Zaalbar.

"Yuka Laka's," I said through numb lips. "Lead the way, Zaalbar." The Wookiee nodded, concern evident on his face, but he turned to stride through the crowd, his arms still full of burnished red metal.

Juhani was one step ahead, shooting wary glances at the crowd. Long shadows were drawn on the dusty path that led under the shaded tarpaulins, and the first merchants were beginning to pack up their stalls. Some stared at us, in particular Juhani and myself, and then deliberately avoided our gaze.

Mission was walking next to me. "So," she said softly, her light brown eyes looking at me sideways. "That was… that was really something, back in the dunes. You can use the Force, huh?"

Both the posture of the Wookiee and the Cathar tightened in front of me. They were listening in, their hearing eclipsing that of a human's, I suspected. "Yeah," I said, sighing.

"Does that mean you're going to be a Jedi?"

The Cathar slowed until she was on my other side, looking over to Mission in askance. "She is strong in the Force. That does not make a Jedi, however."

"Yeah, no thanks," I muttered. "If it means being as uptight at Bastila, I think I'll pass." Mission snickered at that, whilst the Cathar shot me a reproving look. Disapproval from one who had just tried to murder me was somewhat surprising, and I scowled in response.

"What's… what's been going on, Jen?" Mission asked, and her voice was quiet. "It's Bastila, isn't it? She's been making you act all funny?"

I heard a gasp of surprise or perhaps indignation from the Cathar, but it barely registered. "I don't trust her…" I whispered, and my gaze travelled away from Mission to stare unfocused in the distance. "But, I don't know. I've got black spots in my memory, Mission. Things that don't make sense. Just before we left Taris, I went to see a doctor and that made it worse. Bastila's lied to me, and I don't trust her… but I'm not sure what she has to do with the last week or so."

I stopped in the street, answering Mission, but my thoughts were far away, disjointed and confused and deeply worried. I couldn't get a grasp on myself. In the quiet times, I knew I was Street Kid and couldn't be anyone else. But then the anger caught hold, and with it the Evil Bitch's power… and then Jen Sahara would eclipse everything else with her meekness and fright. I breathed in deeply, and felt myself shuddering.

Mission was frowning at me. "Bastila was sure happy that you didn't have a backbone, y'know."

That doesn't mean she's responsible. But I'd already decided she was to blame for Jen Sahara, weeks ago. To blame? Or maybe she just knows more than I do? There was a strong part of me, and I wasn't sure if it was Jen or Street Kid, that desperately wanted to believe in Bastila.

But there was too much stacking up against her.

A light breeze caught, lifting my tattered robe, and bringing with it a dusty, dry smell. An orange-red sun hung low in the sky, slowly sinking below the Anchorhead buildings. The air had a shimmer of heat to it, although it was less intense than earlier in the day. Locals meandering down the paths were clothed in light, loose tunics appropriate for this environment, and I could smell the burnt meat of a food stall nearby.

I've been here before. It was a deep, unshakeable certainty, a feeling of strong reminiscence, even as no memory resurfaced. It should have confused me further, frightened me. Or stoked the anger that buffeted uselessly against the cage of uncertainty around my very identity. But I was tired, and the emotions were not helping.

"Jen," Mission said again, and I glanced sideways at her. Juhani was staring at me, her eyes wide and perplexed. She'd probably heard all of our conversation, and was wondering just whom she'd agreed to train. I felt the side of my mouth quirk. Wonder if she wishes she was still out there, slaughtering the wraids. Probably prefers her darkness to my sort of crazy.

"What is it, Mission?" But as I looked at the young Twi'lek, I knew who she was thinking about. I gave her a reassuring smile.

"Let's go, Mission. We'll head out for your brother tomorrow. I promise."

The vow slipped out before I could retract it.

xXx