A/N: I just couldn't cope with today's episode. For those of you who are also having a hard time, I hope this helps alleviate some of the heartbreak. This is unedited because I really need to rush to bed, so I apologize for any mistakes. I just wanted to get this written so I could finally fall asleep. (Imagine this is the reason Haru looks so tired and worn the next day in the preview).
Summary: After Haru and Makoto's fight, Haru finds his anger replaced with pain and sadness. When he finally brings himself to leave his house in the middle of the night, he finds Makoto sitting on the stairs between their houses.
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When Haru first walked out of his house and saw Makoto sitting there on the stairs, he felt a moment of relief. A moment of 'of course Makoto—sweet, understanding, forgiving Makoto—would be there'. But as Haru treaded a few steps closer, that feeling of relief soon left his body.
Makoto was, indeed, sitting on the stairs between their houses. It was late—later than Makoto had been out in a long time, Haru knew. Stars twinkled in the sky and the moon shone brightly above them, lighting up their surroundings on what was honestly a beautiful night. But Makoto wasn't waiting for Haru; that became clear instantly.
Makoto sat on the stairs, petting the white cat that often waited there for him. The cat curled through his legs, weaving from one side to another and rubbing up against Makoto in what was a clear attempt to make Makoto feel better. But that wasn't what stopped Haru dead in his tracks. What stopped him was the fact that Makoto was talking to the cat.
"I wish he could just see…" Makoto sighed, stroking a finger along the cat's spine as it continued to move around him. "I wish—"
Haru recognized the sound of tears in Makoto's voice and his heart constricted painfully.
"I just wanted him to choose something—anything! Honestly, I didn't care what. I'll never care what he chooses, as long as it makes him happy…" His voiced trailed off on the last word and through the moonlight, Haru could see Makoto's shoulders shaking. "All I've ever wanted is… is his happiness."
A cool breeze blew through the area and Haru could feel the way it ruffled his bangs. For a moment he allowed himself to close his eyes and just feel the wind; feel how good it felt to be outside and to be alive.
"I've tried everything! I've tried—" Makoto broke off then, sniffling and wiping at his eyes. Haru stood still, eyes still shut, but he could sense every movement Makoto made. He could feel the way Makoto's fingers trembled as he lowered them back to the cat. He could sense the jiggling of Makoto's legs as he was too upset to sit still. He could feel it all, and knowing that he caused it all broke his heart.
Haru had returned to his house after their fight and immediately tossed his clothes to the floor and hidden himself in his bed. It had taken an hour or so for his initial anger to wear off and once it did, a sharp ache of pain filled his heart instead. He tossed and turned in his bed, trying to chase away the pain but nothing worked.
All he could see behind his eyes was Makoto's face when he had told him to butt out and all he could see with his eyes open was his empty, Makoto-less house. Nothing had felt right in his life for a while, but this was something entirely different. It was a whole new level of wrong that Haru hadn't even known existed.
Opening his eyes again, Haru turned towards his best friend. His whole body ached with the pain of what had happened tonight and he needed to fix it. Every fiber in his being was yelling at him to get Makoto back before it was too late.
"Maybe… maybe he's right. Maybe I've been doing it wrong all these years." Makoto's voice was muffled with the tears that were flowing freely now. "Maybe I should just leave him alone and let him decide. Why would I ever think I know what's best for him?"
The cat had stopped moving and jumped into Makoto's lap and it was currently nuzzling its head underneath his chin. Makoto turned his face into the soft white fur, not bothering to care that he was soaking it with his tears. The cat was the only thing that cared to comfort him at the moment.
"Normally after a fight I would go check on him and apologize."
This was entirely true and it had already crossed Haru's mind multiple times. It was this fact, actually, that had propelled Haru out of bed and to the stairs in the first place. When hours had passed and Makoto hadn't shown up, the fear that Haru had permanently damaged their friendship set in.
"But he ran away so fast. And he was so upset. I think I would have been the last person he wanted to see."
Haru moved forward slowly and quietly, ignoring the way his heart sunk lower into his stomach with every word Makoto said.
"I'll have to have someone check on him tomorrow and make sure he's okay."
Five more stairs till he was next to Makoto.
Four.
Three.
"I hope I'll at least get a chance to say goodbye to him before I…"
Two.
One stair.
He was standing behind Makoto's back now, inches away from his oblivious best friend. Makoto never did have much awareness of his surroundings. While he spent all of his time keeping Haru out of bodies of water, Haru spent all of his time making sure Makoto didn't run into people whenever they went out.
"I doubt he'll come to Nationals. And even if he does, how am I supposed to look at him? What am I supposed to say?"
The cat was looking over Makoto's shoulder directly at Haru now and he could almost feel the animosity rolling off of it. It felt almost as if the cat knew that Haru was the cause of all Makoto's pain.
Taking a deep breath, Haru sidestepped Makoto and took at seat next to him, not daring to look into that tearstained face. Not yet. "You aren't supposed to say anything."
Makoto jumped, pulling the cat closer to his chest and stared at Haru for a moment. Haru had expected some sort of exclamation or question as to what he was doing here, but when none came, Haru could feel the lump forming in his throat. Things were already different. He just prayed they weren't too different.
"You've always been the one apologizing to me, even when I was the wrong one. You've always been the one to put everything aside and come back to me, even when I'm the one that pushed you away. You've always done everything for me, Makoto. And while I know I didn't exactly show it earlier, I know that this, too, was something you were doing for me."
The tears were still in Makoto's eyes and Haru longed to reach out and wipe them away but he couldn't. Not yet. He didn't deserve that right. Not until he finally did what he'd been avoiding for so long—laid himself bare and opened his heart fully.
"I was afraid—I've been afraid for so long now. I'm sure you know that, but it's affected everything for me. And earlier I was scared and angry and I felt cornered and I'm sorry, Makoto. I'm sorry for lashing out at you, for pushing you away, for not listening to anything you said. I'm sorry for hurting you and for saying awful things to you. I know I can't take back any of those words and I can't heal any of those wounds but if I could, I would. In an instant, I would take it all back."
There was a silence the length of three heartbeats; Haru counted as he breathed in an attempt to get his rattling nerves under control. And then finally, finally Makoto spoke to him.
"Why are you saying all of this?"
It was far from the answer Haru had wanted to hear, but it was an answer nonetheless. Makoto had listened to his words and responded and that was the opening Haru needed.
"I spent a lot of time earlier—once I calmed down—thinking about it. I replayed it over and over in my head and this time I really listened to your words. I finally realized what you were trying to do. You weren't pushing me towards swimming, You weren't pushing me towards anything in particular. You were just pushing me forwards because really, what other way do I have to go at this point?"
Makoto licked his lips. His cheeks were drying, but Haru knew that the tears could come back any second. After a breath, Makoto responded so quietly that Haru wasn't sure if he was just talking to himself. "I don't want to leave you behind."
"I know that," Haru turned to look at Makoto then. He really looked at his best friend, bathed in the moonlight and beautiful all the same. "I know that now. "
Makoto's green eyes stared back at him, watery and wavering, full of uncertainty and heartbreak. Haru knew he was making progress. He knew that he could apologize again and they could go back to how things had been the past few weeks. But that wasn't what he wanted. He wanted the way things were for years. He wanted the security he felt with Makoto at his side. And there was only one way for him to get that.
"I want you to do what's right for you." Haru took a breath then and prepared to say all the things he had never said. All the things he had assumed Makoto knew when, in fact, he may not have known. "But I want to be there. I want whatever is right for you to include me. I don't know what I want to do and I know I'm running out of time and that I must make a decision soon. I know I've been avoiding that and it's caused stress on everyone. But there's one other thing I know; something I've always known. Whatever I do choose to do, wherever I do choose to go, I want you there with me. I haven't decided what to do, but I've never questioned the fact that you'll be there doing it with me."
The tears were back instantly, just like Haru knew they would be. But this time he allowed himself the luxury of reaching out and wiping them off of his best friends cheeks.
"Haru…"
"I'm sorry I yelled at you, Makoto." He said as he stroked gently across Makoto's cheekbone to wipe away another tear. "I'm sorry I told you to stop meddling. The truth is, without you, I would have stayed lost for the rest of my life. It's only because of you that I've ever known what to do and where to go and I don't ever want you to stop meddling in my life. I don't think I could handle it if you did."
Makoto reached up and grasped at Haru's wrist, pulling his hand away. Haru was struck instantly by the resemblance of this moment to their fight earlier but he relished in the fact that this time Makoto was grabbing onto him and not letting go.
"I'm not asking you to stay home or to give up your spot at that university. I would never ask that of you. I'm just asking your forgiveness. I'm asking for a chance to work with you to figure out how we're going to do this."
Another gentle wind blew through and pushed the bangs off Makoto's forehead. The light struck his eyes in that moment so strongly that Haru felt his breath being taken away. They stared at each other for a minute, having a conversation without sharing words they way they always had.
It was in that moment that Haru realized. It was that moment that everything became clear to him.
"I do have a dream." He whispered quietly. "You're my dream."
"H-Haru?"
Haru dropped his eyes. "Well think about it. When you look into your future, whatever you see yourself doing or wherever you find yourself at, that's your dream, isn't it? But when I look into my future, I don't see a specific place or job—I see you. And I think that makes you my dream."
Makoto squeezed Haru's wrist gently and Haru finally got the courage to look up at him then. The cat was still settled in his lap, though it seemed more comfortable and relaxed then when he had first approached. Makoto's eyes were still wet and Haru was surprised that his own eyes weren't wet. The lump was still in his throat and it hurt every time he took a breath or swallowed.
"Forgive me," He whispered.
Makoto smiled back at him. A small, weak but utterly radiant smile. "I forgave you the moment you ran away."
Without thinking, without even pausing to breathe, Haru pulled his hand free from Makoto's grasp, reached up to cup his face and leaned in to kiss him.
Years of his life flashed before his eyes in the moments of that kiss and in each memory was Makoto. Haru had never known a life without Makoto and he never wanted to. He had learned a lot tonight and he was determined to take these lessons and become a better person.
Words hurt. He had never really been one for words and therefore had not anticipated the way they would tear at Makoto's heart. They had fixed things, but Haru knew he was lucky to have someone as forgiving as Makoto to learn this lesson with.
Communication is key. Real communication. He couldn't expect Makoto to read his mind all the time and he couldn't keep pushing people away. It wasn't always easy to talk and share his feelings, but it was right.
You don't always have to find a dream; you can create one.
That last one, he thought as he pulled away from Makoto, was the most important. He had been creating a dream his whole life with his best friend. He had been creating a life and a future. And if that wasn't a dream, what was?
"Haru…" Makoto looked at him, a soft smile still playing at his lips.
All Haru could do was smile up at him and kiss him again.
Yes, he thought as he felt Makoto's hand gently rest against his shoulder, this is what having a dream and a future feels like.
