To be a Jedi
- Juhani -
Revan sat on the floor, hands wrapped around her knees, her eyes closed and her face shiny with sweat. Master Zhar had been shielding her, but it was obvious that pain was still bleeding out to her through the bond.
Bastila is being tortured.
Kel and Dak did not understand. The former wore an anxious expression, appearing ill at ease as he leaned back against the wicker-lashed wall of Master Zhar's humble dwelling. Dak glanced between me and Revan suspiciously, his dark eyes narrowing with questions I did not think he would hold back for much longer.
I had not explained any of it to Dak. Not the Star Maps, not the mind-link between Bastila and Revan, and certainly nothing about Revan's mind or background or true identity.
It had taken us all by surprise; Revan collapsing on the wooden path, clutching at her head as an agonized scream rent from her lungs. Master Zhar had been quick to materialize next to her, but it had taken him some time to truly assist, and even longer to move us all to his lodgings.
I dearly wished I could have aided her, but my talents had always been with the more physical aspects of the Force. I would not have known where to start.
"If you can hold that barrier in place then it will provide a buffer against emotions that intense." Master Zhar was crouching in front of her, red-skinned hands resting gently on her knees.
"Emotions," Revan scoffed, her eyes still squeezed shut. "I should be able to help. I should be able to push back through the bond rather than hiding behind a shield like a frelling coward." There was a pained frown on her face, which was still unnaturally pale.
"Travelling through a mind-link in that manner is dangerous," Master Zhar cautioned. "And it also requires the power and discipline of a Jedi who has truly mastered the psychic side of the Force."
"Bastila did it on Korriban. Twice," Revan bit out, her voice bordering on acidic. I saw Master Zhar's eyes widen slightly. He did not expect that, despite Bastila's keen knowledge and experience. I knew little of mind-links, but I was aware that the strength of theirs was considered well beyond unusual. Even telepathy - at the vast distance they could utilize it - was not overly common.
Revan's eyes blinked open then, green and burning with fierce emotion as she pinned Master Zhar with a look. "I've done it once before, too. I saw through Bastila's eyes when she was on Manaan and I was heading off-world. Mind you, I'd just taken some spice and had no idea what I was doing…"
A visible tremor twitched through Master Zhar's face, and now he appeared somewhere between shocked and appalled as he leaned back from Revan. Dak made a coughing noise, and I, too, felt the heat of surprise. I must find out more about bonds, for Revan's sake. This sort of ability cannot be normal. Although, really, had Revan ever been labelled normal?
"Hallucinogenics or any form of pleasure drug can be dangerous for normal sentients, Jen Sahara. It is far more treacherous for Force users." Master Zhar wore a disapproving frown; an expression I had not seen on him before, even in the time I had known him on Dantooine. "With the power that we Jedi wield, knowingly imbibing any substance that can erode self-control goes beyond reckless and deep into irresponsible."
I glanced back to Revan; her face was etched with a thunderous scowl as she glowered at the Jedi Master. "Good thing I'm only a scholar from a backwater planet, right Master Jedi?"
I stifled a gasp at the vitriol laced in her words, all too aware of the shaky ground this conversation was heading onto. Revan knew something, she suspected something, and I wished she had confided in me. The intonation of her angry words implied a strong disbelief in Jen Sahara's identity, something I had already known but had feared to raise in conversation.
I had promised myself that I would not lie to her, but I had also promised Bastila I would not divulge details without prompting. So I did not initiate the topic, and neither had Revan.
What must she be thinking? How can she trust anyone, if she believes all that she knows is a lie? I wished, now, that I had said something – at the least, so she would understand my loyalty to her was absolute. But I worried, too, for the state of her mind when she finally understood the whole of it. The mental fractures she bore had been evident since I had first encountered her.
"This is a conversation for later," Master Zhar murmured, his face gentling in concern. "Although, please believe me when I say that I mean you no harm." He sighed, and briefly touched her knee again. "You must refrain from reaching through your mind-link in that manner. It can strengthen your Force connection with Bastila, but it also creates a dependency that deepens with every contact. Not only can it become difficult to pull back into one's body, but bond-mates with that level of Force intimacy do not always survive each other's death."
The anger fled from Revan's face as she stared at Zhar in growing alarm. I felt my mouth open in surprise, and wondered whether Bastila knew of this. She must. This is her area of expertise. Yet she had knowingly reached out when Revan was trapped by Jorak Uln. And Revan had said that was not the only time.
"I must collect Master Vrook and Master Quatra," Zhar said in a quiet voice, rising to his feet. "I shall not be long. Please, do not leave these lodgings."
The Twi'lek master exited silently. The door was made of many fine branches, lashed together by a type of flax twine that was likely a plant native to Kashyyyk. I imagined the temperature on this planet must stay relatively ambient, for these buildings could not be easy to heat.
An awkward quiet settled on us all. Revan closed her eyes once more, obviously uninterested in any form of conversation. Dak stared at me, a thousand questions on his dark-skinned Human face. He opened his mouth more than once, as if uncertain what to ask. Finally, after several long minutes, he turned an irritated scowl on Revan.
"So, Jen." Dak's voice had Revan acknowledging him with a flat stare. "You're Force-bonded to Bastila Shan. That's… how did that happen?"
Revan's mouth twisted. "She saved my life, once. I understand that's how it was created, but I don't have any memory of it… or much else, really."
I struggled to keep the surprise from my face. I'd not had any chance to speak to Bastila, not since we landed on Korriban. She must have said something to Revan, something more than the web of half-truths she had grudgingly parted with on Tatooine. It could not have been easy for Bastila, though. Revan was not exactly co-operating then. I remembered that conversation. I remembered Revan's state of mind. I had not known her true identity, then.
"Huh," Dak said, his voice non-committal. "Still, Bastila Shan. What's that like?"
Revan stared at Dak, one eyebrow raised in mild derision. "Loads of fun," she drawled. "Like partying with a bunch of debt-ridden Hutts."
"Jen," I rebuked, and she turned to shoot me a dry look. I sighed softly. "How is Bastila?"
"Unconscious," she bit out, her face tightening. "Don't ask me for more details, Juhani, because all I can tell you was that she was being hurt. A lot."
The uncomfortable silence stretched out again, although it was not long before a gentle knock on the door preceded the return of Master Zhar. Following in his wake was my old master.
I scrambled to my feet, nervousness trembling like flutter-gnats in my stomach. Quatra looked the same as always, tall and imposing, clad in brown robes with the hood thrown back from her horn-lined head. But there was an openness to her expression I had never seen, a concerned grief that sharpened as her olive-green eyes landed on me.
"Juhani," she sighed, and strode into the room before embracing me. I blinked, feeling stiff and awkward in her grasp, my gaze meeting Revan's over my old master's shoulder. Her eyes, a similar shade to Quatra's, darkened with suspicion as she glared at the Jedi's back.
Quatra pulled back, and I tried to firm my tremulous smile. There were words I had to say to my old master, and I would hold on to the strength needed to utter them. I could not go back to the way things were once before.
"Padawan," she murmured. "It warms my heart to see you again."
"Master Quatra," I returned. "It is good to see you too."
I wondered if she picked up on something in my intonation, for her brown Zabrakian skin darkened, and her gaze slid from mine to rest on Dak. Her expression stilled.
"Dak Vesser," she acknowledged. Her voice had cooled to a forced neutrality. "Welcome back."
Dak had once resented the hold my old master held over me, and disliked her because of it. She would have been aware of his opinion, as Dak had never been adept at concealing his emotions. Whilst Quatra, in return, had no patience for those who struggled to exhibit the composure and level-headedness expected of a Jedi.
I could only hope that Dak's second chance with the Jedi would not be affected by his interactions with her.
Dak gave her a perfunctory nod of greeting, and Quatra glanced at Kel before turning a look my way that was half-order. Her lips thinned. "Perhaps you would be so kind as to introduce me to your other companion, Padawan."
The frosty manner was so familiar it made my heart ache. "This is Kel Algwinn, Master Quatra," I answered, striving to keep my voice level. "He was a student at the Sith Academy on Korriban, and wishes to join the Jedi."
Master Quatra recognized him with a minute nod of the head, before turning to face Master Zhar. I noticed she did not acknowledge Revan at all. She knows, I thought with a chill. Revan may not have been trained on Dantooine, but Bastila - her bond-sister, her captor, her rescuer - had. Likely every master from my old Enclave knew exactly who Jen Sahara was.
"Vrook is waiting in the hall," Quatra told Zhar. "Vandar will be landing within the hour, if he is not here already. Let us all move there now."
Master Vandar. I did not realize he was coming here. Vandar and Vrook together were the heart of the Dantooine Council. Their power and authority was not to be taken lightly. I felt a shiver of foreboding and the hairs on my neck stood up. My gaze slid to Revan. The mistrust was blatant on her face.
"Jen Sahara and I will follow shortly," Master Zhar said in a mild voice. I glanced over to him, but the Twi'lek looked as calm and composed as ever. "Go and acquaint the others with Vrook. We will not be long."
There was obvious disapproval on Quatra's face, but Zhar's authority must have outranked hers. They were equals, from what I knew – both masters, yet not Council members – however Quatra conceded under his resoluteness, and motioned to the rest of us. "Come with me." Her voice was terse and commanding, and she swept out of the room expecting us to follow.
Kel did. Dak shot me a look before I waved him onward, turning back to face Zhar.
"A word please, Master Zhar," I said, motioning outside. Revan frowned at me, obviously puzzled.
"It is fine," I told her softly, hoping the words were not a lie. "I shall see you soon, Jen." The suspicion in her gaze cut to my heart, and I could only hope none of it was directed at me. What must she be thinking? How much does she know? I wondered if she recalled anything of the holo-recording in the Korriban Archives. I feared for her sanity. My eyes slid to Zhar, and my thoughts turned to the three other masters on Kashyyyk.
I feared for her safety, also.
Master Zhar followed me silently outside of the humble room. I could see Quatra further down a wooden ramp that led toward more Wookiee lodgings. She was staring at us impatiently, with Kel and Dak in her shadow. Even at this distance, the disapproval on her face was evident. Kel and Dak stood behind her.
"Speak, Padawan," Zhar urged, his voice quiet yet insistent. The others were out of earshot, but my old master looked ready to stride back to me and hurry me along forcibly, if required. Zhar, in contrast, appeared relaxed and unruffled, his stance casual and his lekku looped casually around his neck. And yet he must be anything but. "Master Quatra will not wait for long."
"Swear to me on the Code that you will not harm her." My voice came out in a hiss that surprised me, low and fierce with emotion. "Swear to me that you will not do anything further to her mind. I shall not leave her side unless you do so."
Master Zhar's mouth opened slightly, and at first he appeared at a loss for words. Then, to my surprise, the smallest of smiles emerged. It grew into a genuine expression of delight. "Your loyalty does you credit, Juhani," he said at last. "And I vow, upon the Jedi Code and the will of the Force, that I shall do my utmost to return Revan to the Light, without resorting to any form of mental manipulation."
Revan. The name out in the open now. "You are going to tell her?" I asked.
Master Zhar nodded. "There are others who do not approve." His gaze flickered, ever so briefly, to my old master. "If you happen to engage Vrook and Quatra in lengthy conversation it would aid me. I do not desire any interruption."
My eyes widened as I understood his meaning. Vrook. Vandar. Quatra. Do they mean to do something to Revan? Do they mean to erase her returning memory? They could not, surely they could not – after all that had happened and how far she had come-
Master Zhar did not break my horrified gaze. His indigo eyes stared solemnly at me, conveying a silent message I was not sure I understood.
I did not know Zhar well, but he had transferred to Dantooine a year or so before I had left. He was widely regarded as a kind and gentle master, who had failed terribly with his padawan.
Malak Devari. Revan's lover and closest ally, once.
I wanted to tell Zhar, then, about Revan's reaction to the holo-recording she had seen of herself, and the fractures I knew were in her mind – but I heard the impatient footsteps of Master Quatra close in on us. Our time was up. Master Zhar gifted me a benevolent smile.
"We are all glad of your return, Padawan," he murmured. "I shall see you again soon."
I nodded, turned, and walked back to my old master's side.
xXx
The room Master Quatra led us to was larger than Master Zhar's lodgings, and overwhelmingly bare. I understood why she referred to it as a hall. Master Vrook sat on a bench against the side of the room, his sharp eyes landing on me as I entered.
His face was lined with raw grief. Master Zhar must have imparted the news to him.
"Where's Zhar?" he demanded, looking to the door behind us.
"Zhar is talking with Jen Sahara. He won't be long," Quatra answered. The disapproval cooled her voice, which had twisted on the false name. Vrook grunted irritably, and stood. I wondered if he meant to leave, meant to go to Zhar.
"Master Vrook," I hailed, steeling my courage and walking toward him. I gave him a short bow of acknowledgment.
His gaze fell on me again. I had kept to myself on Dantooine, and did not often have dealings with masters other than Quatra. But I was as aware of Vrook's reputation as I had been of Zhar's – Vrook was known to be cantankerous and difficult to please, irritable with any failings, and held exceptionally high standards. Dak had once described him as an ornery, masculine version of Quatra, which I had not appreciated at the time. Upon reflection, I could now acknowledge some similarities.
I had lived on Dantooine for years, in the same building as Master Vrook. Surely I could find a topic of conversation to delay him somewhat.
The thought was nerve-wracking and bordered on seditious. But I knew, now, that the masters were divided on Revan - and Zhar had essentially requested my aid on her behalf. There was a hard knot of unease in my stomach.
"I'll be honest, Padawan," Vrook was saying. "I didn't expect to see you again."
I took that one on the chin. If I had not encountered Revan, I did not know what my fate would have become either. "I did not plan to return, Master. But I confess myself glad beyond words that Jen Sahara found me." Vrook's face tightened at that, and I could see real anger simmering in the depths of his dark eyes. I softened my voice. "Both Jen and Bastila have aided me significantly during our journey."
Vrook looked away.
"I understand you were on Tatooine, Padawan," Quatra intervened, walking to my side. Her voice remained impassive, and her expression was guarded. I wondered if she regretted showing any emotion earlier. "We have been told that Jen Sahara returned you to the Light. How is that… how did that happen?"
I breathed in through my nostrils. I could remember the dusty smell of the Tatooine Dune Sea, the never-ending heat, and the solitude I had craved only to find it did not ease the burning grief and anger. "I happened upon her and two of our crewmates. I did not take kindly to sentients chancing upon me, particularly not ones with Force sensitivity. So I attacked."
The silence with thick with anticipation. I chanced a look at Dak, whose eyes were fixed intently on mine, wide and curious.
"I almost killed her. She… she was struggling with what little she could recall of the Force. But she prevailed, in the end, and granted me mercy despite my baiting." I did not plan on expounding the details here – Revan may not have cut me down, but it had been a near thing. If I had faced her away from Mission or Zaalbar, I suspected the end would have been different.
We had both been close to killing each other, that day.
I cleared my throat. "She spoke some truths that made me look at my actions in a different light… that made me realize perhaps all was not lost. And then she took me to Bastila, who cemented those realizations."
Quatra sent Vrook a loaded look, before turning her attention back to me. "Well. I imagine there is much to reflect on, Padawan." She paused. "My shuttle is already loaded and ready to leave this planet. You and your companions from Korriban must make haste to farewell the others you travelled with, and then we shall depart for Coruscant."
My stomach clenched. I had expected this, but her presumption still galled, a little. It should not. She sees herself as my master, which she was for many years. "Has the Star Map been found?"
Quatra's lips pursed, and she fired another glance at Vrook. "That is no longer your concern, Padawan."
"I opened the Star Map on Manaan," I returned, pleased to hear my voice solid and steady. "I was there for the Map on Tatooine. I have been with Bastila and Jen for long enough now that this is just as much my quest as theirs."
A noise akin to a growl came from Master Vrook. "If that's true, then why didn't you follow the directive on Manaan?" he accused, his voice dark with simmering anger. "The Ebon Hawk was ordered to travel to Kashyyyk, and I've heard how injured Bastila was from Hrakert Station. She was in no state to ensure orders were being followed. I know exactly whose crackpot idea it would've been to travel to Korriban!"
I blinked, momentarily taken aback. "We found the Star Map, Master Vrook," I reminded him.
"You lost Bastila Shan!" he hollered back. His voice echoed through the long room. "If that cursed Jen Sahara had only gone to Kashyyyk, then Bastila would be here right now, instead of in the hands of Darth Malak!"
He had a right to his grief and his anger, and I reminded myself that Vrook had only just learned of Bastila's capture. But I could not let Revan take the blame for this. "Jen did everything right on Korriban," I argued. "We could not have prevailed without her. We have the Star Map. The Sith Academy is leaderless and in ruins, because of her. She rescued Belaya-"
Vrook snorted, cutting in over me. "And yet, if what Zhar told me is true, Belaya Linn is still dead."
I winced.
"Hey, hey," Dak muttered, walking to my side. He grasped my hand and gave it a quick squeeze. "Belaya's death is the fault of Uthar Wynn, and no one else. Certainly not Jen Sahara. Look, I don't get what's going on between you all, but from my viewpoint it was obvious that Jen was pivotal to the success of your mission. Shavit, even Yuthura Ban has a chance for a better life now!"
I felt my jaw clench in resolution. "If we had gone to Kashyyyk first, do you really believe Darth Malak would have left Korriban unguarded?" I whispered. I did not wish to be confrontational, but Revan's strategy had made sound sense. "Our one chance to infiltrate the Sith Academy was then, when everyone believed we were on our way here."
"Your logic would have the Sith here on Kashyyyk, waiting for you, while you were on Korriban. So why then, Padawan, are they not here?" Vrook asked coldly.
I paused. Revan had been adamant the communiqué would have been intercepted, routed through Manaan Republic channels the way it was. Perhaps she had merely been weighing the risks. "I do not know, Master," I said slowly. "But I do believe every delay would have proportionally decreased the chances of success on Korriban – a Sith-controlled planet. Malak attacked Dantooine to obliterate the Master Star Map. He sent an assassin to destroy the Star Map on Tatooine. It would have taken him little effort to either fortify Korriban or eradicate the Map there. It is likely that complacency is the only reason he has not – the belief we were coming here first." I motioned outward with my hands, struggling not to quail under Vrook's glower.
I had always been steadfast and passionate in my beliefs, but the authority and opinions of the masters was something I had never outwardly challenged. Quatra was staring at me strangely.
"So you agreed with Korriban, then," Vrook muttered, his lip curling.
I gave a brief shake of my head. "No… no, I feared the danger of the Dark Side that is so prevalent on Korriban – even as I understood Jen's argument."
"So why, pray, did you go then?" Vrook scoffed, his brows knitting in renewed anger. "Bastila would not have agreed. And yet, you still let Jen Sahara lead you? With you both against, and knowing who she is?"
There was a sick feeling in my gut, and I could only hope that Dak would not question me on Vrook's words later. "We held a vote," I said, forcing my voice to remain neutral.
"A vote?" Quatra injected. She sounded incredulous. "What, like a democracy?"
"Democracy," Vrook repeated. His voice was flat with disbelief. "An Order-led mission allowed their next objective to be decided by a vote of hands? You can't mean… surely not from completely uninterested parties like your Mandalorian mercenary?"
I took a deep breath in before answering. "We have all worked together, Master Vrook. We are all part of the same team. And every single member of the Ebon Hawk has proved invaluable to our success – Mandalorian mercenaries included." I did not drop my gaze from his angry one. "Bastila would not have escaped Taris were it not for Canderous Ordo. Or Jen Sahara."
Quatra sighed irritably. "Enough. I do not wish to stay on this planet any longer, Vrook. The Sith will have heard about Korriban, and their eye will turn to Kashyyyk." Her green eyes frowned at me. "Move your belongings to my ship now, and organize your farewells."
"We have a body to bury first," Dak cut in. "We must find a resting place for Belaya."
"What?" Vrook snapped. "You've brought her corpse here?"
Master Zhar had not told him everything, it seemed. Belaya's body rested back in the corner of Zhar's room – I did not think Quatra had noticed it when she entered.
I took in another gulp of air. "We could not leave her behind," I said quietly. "Not in that place."
"She is the reason I am here, the reason I came back," Dak added. He shot me a supportive glance. "Her and Juhani."
Vrook grunted. "Sentimental and pointless. Belaya Linn is one with the Force, no matter what happens to her body."
I stiffened, and he raised a brow as if daring me to object. My displeasure was likely apparent. And while there may have been some sense to his words, I had not been able to leave her body out in the open of a desecrated Sith Academy. Belaya deserved a better resting place, and an acknowledgment of her life.
"Nevertheless," I said finally. "It is done, now, and so we need to do something with her body."
Vrook didn't answer, but just remained staring at me fixedly. There was a slight loosening of the frown that creased his face, an almost infinitesimal nod.
"I am not interested in delays," Quatra grumbled. "There is nothing to be served with some meaningless ritual that we cannot know if Belaya Linn even desired."
Vrook harrumphed. "Closure has its place for all sentients, Quatra." His eyes rested briefly on Dak before returning to me. "Fortunately, the Wookiees in Rwookrrorro are more easily bought than they once were. A quick trip down to the Shadowlands to bury and pay homage to Knight Belaya Linn will take no more than an afternoon, and won't cost me many more credits than I've already thrown at Chuundar."
An annoyed sound whistled from Quatra. "Fine. You organize it, Vrook. Juhani, Dak, Kel, come with me to the starport. We shall organize your farewells now-"
"Master," I interrupted. The flutter-gnats in my stomach were a swarm, now. Quatra turned a fierce look on me. "I shall not be going with you, Master Quatra."
There was a flicker of emotion that tightened her expression, before her eyes narrowed with what I believed was disappointment. I had the old instinct to please her, to bend to her will – desires that ran deep enough that I felt the shame of them. For no one else would I humble myself so, and I should not for her. I am stronger than this. Master Quatra may be a wise Jedi, but that does not mean she knows my path. The blind adoration I once felt for her is nothing more than the foolish desires of a girl who did not understand true love. I lifted my chin. I have outgrown this.
"Padawan," she said icily. "Do not be preposterous. We will speak of your failed trials at another time. For now you shall do as I say."
"Master Quatra," I said softly. This had nothing to do with my trials, not really, even as I understood why she might think so. "I admire and respect you, but you are no longer my master. I stand on my own, now, and I follow the mission of the Ebon Hawk."
Again, there was a visible tremor in Quatra's face, and this time I recognized it. Hurt. No matter her cold manner, I could recognize that she cared for me on some level. The observation soothed the pain of the past; at least, a little.
"You are angling for an apology," Quatra accused, and her voice had turned bitter. "I expected the outcome of your trials even less than you did, Padawan, but you forget your place. You are a padawan of the Jedi Order, and I am your master!"
"You mistake my motivations, Master Quatra," I answered. This time, I would not let my emotions derail. This time, I would speak my thoughts in a calm and detached manner. My confidence grew as I held her furious gaze. "This has nothing to do with my trials, nor do I blame you in any part for them. But I do not believe I am the right padawan for you."
Revan had once said Quatra was the wrong master for me. Perhaps she was correct. Quatra's expression didn't budge, and I sighed. "It is more than that, though. I am part of this mission, whether you or Master Vrook like it or not. Too often have you told me about the will of the Force, about destiny, about there being no such thing as coincidence… well, I do not believe it was chance that crossed my path with Jen Sahara's. My place is with her mission until it is over."
"Her mission?" Vrook interjected, his voice low and dangerous.
"Padawans do not decide where they go, Juhani." Quatra's voice had lost the anger, now. In fact, it seemed flat and overly neutral as her gaze pinned mine. I could not tell what she was thinking. "If you insist on staying with the crew of the Ebon Hawk, then you cannot be counted as a padawan of the Order any longer."
Vrook snorted. "And Jen Sahara may very well never leave Kashyyyk. You and the Ebon Hawk may find yourselves grounded here while others finish what Bastila started."
My eyes closed, and I felt a sinking feeling in my chest. I had feared this. I had known Quatra would insist on my leaving with her, and had understood what might eventuate from rebellion against that. Expulsion from the Order. And Vrook was implying… what, exactly? That the Order or the Republic would send other forces against whatever the Star Maps led to, and leave the Ebon Hawk behind?
It might make sense. We were only a freighter with a handful of sentients on board. But it still did not change my decision. I would stand by Revan. And if Vrook meant anything more sinister… if Zhar was correct with his implied suspicions… then I would do my utmost to help stop it.
Despite all of that, I did not think Revan's destiny was to stay on Kashyyyk.
My eyes opened, and both Vrook and Quatra were staring at me now with inscrutable expressions. I took in a deep breath. "My place is with the Ebon Hawk and her crew," I repeated quietly. "Whether we stay on Kashyyyk, or rescue Bastila, or go after Malak himself. My place is there. And if that means the Order no longer has a place for me…" my voice trailed off, and I felt the sting of tears at the back of my eyes. I blinked fiercely, and thumped a closed fist against my heart. "I will still be a Jedi in here. I will still hold myself to the ideals of the Jedi Order, even if I cannot name myself as a member."
The silence in the room was complete. I kept my gaze level on Quatra's. There was a softening around her eyes, after awhile. It took me a moment to interpret it.
Approval.
"I do believe the Order shall always have a place for you." A faint smile curved her dark lips. "Jedi Knight Juhani."
I blinked. I did not understand her words, at first.
A throat cleared from behind us, and in hobbled the short figure of Master Vandar. His bright blue eyes were trained on me. "Listening to this conversation, I have been," he said. "Spoken like a Jedi Knight, Juhani has."
There was a buzzing in my ears.
"I-I do not know what to say," I stuttered. "I am not sure you are correct in your assessment, Masters." I could feel the blood rushing to my face. "In truth, it was not that long ago I was lost on Tatooine. And then, I barely held it together on Hrakert Station. I-I…" My gaze slid to Dak, who was grinning at me. "I almost believed the lies of a Sith Master, and struck down an old friend."
Dak's expression turned solemn. "But you stopped at the crucial moment, Juhani, still believing in my guilt. And look, I told you I didn't blame you. I don't. I knew Uthar Wynn and his machinations all too well."
Quatra cleared her throat. "My old padawan, we are not judging you on your past failures. We are measuring you on what you are today. While I think it foolhardy and wasteful for you to dedicate yourself to that ragtag crew Bastila Shan has assembled, I can sense your determination. You have grown from the padawan you once were." She smiled. "I don't believe there is more I can teach you."
"Strong with you, the Force is," Master Vandar added. He rubbed a three-fingered hand over his wrinkled shoulder. "Steady and resolute."
"It seems your time away from Dantooine has done the opposite of what we all feared," Vrook added, his voice gruff but not unkind. "I see a Jedi Knight in front of me, not a damaged padawan."
This… this was more than I could have dreamed of. This felt like more than I deserved. But Quatra, Vrook and Vandar were all gazing at me with varying degrees of recognition, like they truly believed I was worthy of this honour.
I felt a nudge, and turned to see Dak smirking at me. "Close your mouth, Juhani."
I felt the spark of conviction as it flickered to life within me. I could be worthy of this honour. I would be.
"Thank you," I said softly, bowing my head. There was no great ritual to one's ascension as a Jedi Knight, merely the acceptance of at least three masters. Usually after the completion of the Knight Trials. Perhaps, in a sense, the last year had been an extension of mine.
"I still wish to hurry," Quatra said, her voice turning matter-of-fact. "Let us get this burial over and done with."
"We'll be parting ways, Juhani," Dak muttered. I glanced at him, startled. "It's alright," he added, the corner of his mouth rising in a half-smile. "I think so, anyway. I'll go back with Quatra, find my own way for a bit."
"Are you… are you sure, Dak?" I asked. These last few weeks in hyperspace had made me realize that Dak was, truly, a good friend. And yet, once, he'd desired more. More than I had to give. And he still struggles with the past. The Order would be a better place for him than our mission. But, selfishly, I did not want to see the back of my old friend.
"Yeah." There was a calm acceptance on his face. "It feels right. I need to go back to basics if I'm to honour Belaya's request. And someone's gotta keep Kel out of trouble." We both glanced back at the quiet young man, who was edged against the wall of the room, plainly uncomfortable and overlooked during the conversation. What he must have thought of it I could not tell.
There was an obvious look of consternation on Kel's face, and Dak snickered. "That was a joke, Kel."
Master Quatra sniffed irritably, and Dak nudged me again. There was a fond smile on his face. "Come on. Before we split, we have a friend to mourn."
xXx
