Oh, my GAW-SSSHHH, you guys! I'm overwhelmed by the response this fic has already gotten. Thank you for spending your precious free time reading this insane thing!

I HIGHLY recommend, for those of you who are familiar with this show (I'm assuming most of you), that you read this with the guys' voices in mind. It's what I did when writing it and it amused me to no end. :D


ACT II

(Fab 5 intro song) All THINGS juust keep getting bEEETterrr!

(Antoni, wearing a crop top and a bandana headband, opens a pouch hanging on a hook from Hagrid's ceiling and inhales deeply.)

Antoni: (coughs violently) Ohohoho! That is awful. Karamo. (brings pouch over to him and holds it open) Smell this.

Karamo: (throwing shade with his eyes) Nuh-uh.

Antoni: Come on. Be a friend.

Karamo: (puts hands on Antoni's shoulders) I love you. I would do anything for you. But I am not smelling that.

Antoni: (shrugs. Continues to open various pouches and sniff, his facial expressions ranging from intrigued to cardiac arrest)

(cuts to Antoni in front of camera.)

Antoni: So…Hagrid has…a lot of this stuff (holds up a bottle of dark, evil-smelling liquor of indeterminate origin) lying around his hut. I get the sense that if Hagrid stopped drinking, he'd shrink down like…300 lbs.

(cut to Antoni working in Hagrid's vegetable patch, picking a variety of fresh tomatoes, summer squash, and leafy greens. He continues to wear the headband bandana, but his chest is bare. Literally every. One. Of the female students who have gone through puberty (who aren't into girls), all of the female teachers, and a few guys (pretending they're not looking) have set up a spot on the lawn to watch him.)

(Cuts to Antoni)

Antoni: Hagrid's garden gives me hope. I know he really likes entertaining, so I'm hoping to switch out his rock cakes for something more…edible. More…

(The camera switches to Antoni wearing sunglasses and a trench coat outside a Sainsbury's, looking both ways before he goes in. He enters the grocery store and stops before a display of familiar-looking produce.)

Antoni: Avocado.

Tan: (calling off stage) Bloody hell, mate! Enough with the damn avocados!

Antoni: YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS!

(cuts to Karamo)

Karamo: Hagrid is a fascinating man. He's passionate about this school. He's passionate about what he does, about his hobbies, about the people here. He takes pride in his work. But…Hagrid is a man who is attracted to danger. And for a man who has so much love to give, that gives me pause.

(cuts to Karamo and Bobby discovering Hagrid's crossbow)

Bobby: So, how do we do this thing? Do we just load it up…oh, here? Okay.

Karamo: Oh, that's cute. Let me see that.

(The two of them hold it up at the same time, as it is too heavy for one person)

Karamo: Damn! Hagrid! You are a beast!

Bobby: Okay, so if we want to shoot it, we just… (pulls lever)

(the cross bolt disappears into the forest. The sound of a horse falling can be heard through the trees, along with a, "I've been shot!")

Karamo: I think we just killed a centaur.

(cuts to Karamo)

Karamo: Hagrid just needs to be reminded of the beautiful, wonderful man underneath all that hair and moleskin. That man is a treasure.

(Karamo walking through the grounds. Runs into Blaise)

Blaise: (narrows eyes at him)

Karamo: (widens eyes)

Blaise: …

Karamo: …

Blaise: Dad?

(cuts to Karamo)

Karamo: Seventeen years ago, I went through…an experimental phase.

(cuts back to Blaise and Karamo)

Karamo: Give me a hug.

Blaise: If you try to touch me, I will fucking backhand you.

(cuts to Karamo)

Karamo: Blaise just needs to get to know the wise, compassionate man underneath his perception of the man who left him when he was a baby because I realized I was into dudes.

(cuts to Bobby, wiping the sweat from his brow on the construction site)

Bobby: I honestly do not have time to talk right now. I have to perform miracles. I have to build Hagrid a bathroom, a closet, a proper kitchen, a bed. I'm fairly sure he was sleeping on that chair I threw out.

(camera veers closer in the construction site)

Bobby: Seriously, out! I am not f**king around with you guys, this sh*t is F**king stressful! I redo houses! HOUSES! Blue jeans and skin creams, that sh*t is f**king easy! Let-me-do-my-f**king job! (swings at the camera)

(camera cuts out and bleeps for a long time. It is suspected that a cameraman has fallen)

(cuts to Tan and Hagrid walking down Princes Street in Edinburgh)

Hagrid: I doubt there's stuff in these stores that'd fit a bloke like me.

Tan: Have you ever tried the big and tall section?

(cuts to Draco)

Draco: Has he ever tried a tent? Because that's probably the only hope he's got. (snickers in a standard evil-little-shit way)

(Hermione walks by)

Hermione: (glaring at him) How do you sleep at night, treating people the way you do, Malfoy?

Draco: Naked on my twelve hundred thread-count, Egyptian cotton sheets, usually after I've had a good wank or taken half an Ambien.

Hermione: (grimaces) You're disgusting, Malfoy.

Draco: And you're filthy. And you're also more than welcome to come and see for yourself sometime.

Hermione: (pauses a moment before slapping him mightily on the cheek. He falls to the ground, disoriented. She stomps away)

Draco: (waving the cameraman's hand away as he tried to help him up) No, actually it's best if I wait a bit before standing up. (cups a hand over the front of his trousers) Don't look at me.

(cuts to Tan and Hagrid)

Tan: So, you're a big guy.

Hagrid: I am, yeah.

Tan: And obviously you've mastered how to dress when you're working. I'm not here to change that. But you're not just Hagrid the groundskeeper, are you? You're a man, and you need an appropriate wardrobe to fit that man.

(cuts to Hagrid)

Hagrid: I'm actually quite excited 'bout this. Olympe never said it, but I could tell that she wished I was a bit more stylish.

(cuts to Tan and Hagrid)

Tan: I would love to see you in a suit.

Hagrid: Well, I have a—

Tan: Not that wretched creature I found in your trunk. That was not a suit. That was a bear's abortion.

(cuts to a team of five tailors climbing ladders with measuring tapes, pins in their mouths, wiping sweat from their brows)

Tan: I want you to be able to let your personality shine through with this suit. There are little things you can do to make yourself stand out so you're not just another man in a suit.

Hagrid: That's never really been a problem for me.

Tan: (holds a purple tie up against Hagrid's face) Have you ever been to a colourist?

(cuts to Hagrid)

Hagrid: (shakes his head)

(cuts to Tan and Hagrid in store)

Tan: So, you've got some redness in your cheeks. You're going to want to stay away from warm colours that are going to accentuate that.

Hagrid: Okay.

Tan: Cool colours like this lovely purple are your happy zone. That's where I want you to live from now on.

(cuts to Hagrid)

Hagrid: Purple is actually me favorite colour. (an indignant look appears on his face) No one ever asks me stuff like that.

(cuts to Tan standing in front of a wall of denim)

Tan: I think you'll find that denims are just as comfortable as some of the work trousers you've lived your life in up to this point. And footwear. (taps his foot and looks down at Hagrid's sealskin boots, which are inexplicably wet and leaking all over the floor)

(cuts to Hagrid)

Hagrid: I haven't taken these boots off in years. They might even be stuck.

(cuts to Tan and Hagrid)

Tan: (holding a stylish, light brown, lace up boot) This is a choice I love for you because you can pair it with any colour, and it's dead comfortable.

Hagrid: I quite like that.

Tan: Wonderful. Now. Has anyone ever taught you how to do a French tuck?

(cuts to Tan in front of the camera)

Tan: Everyone should do a French tuck. (eyes twinkling in a positively Bambi-esque way) It just looks a little smarter.

(cuts to Karamo and Blaise, sitting together at the Three Broomsticks)

Karamo: (nursing a butterbeer) So tell me about yourself, Blaise.

Blaise: (bitterly) I grew up fatherless.

Karamo: You know what? I deserved that. I don't have any excuses for what I did.

Blaise: I just…(sigh)

Karamo: Let it out.

Blaise: I just can't believe…(head hangs)

Karamo: It's alright.

Blaise: That you're…a bloody American.

(door to the Three Broomsticks opens and in walks Luna Lovegood)

Blaise: (straightens his posture and makes several little glances in Luna's direction as she skips over to the counter and orders an all-foam butterbeer. She appears oblivious to the barmaid's confused expression as to how she could possibly achieve such a thing.)

Karamo: (grinning) What is that?

Blaise: What?

Karamo: That girl? (motions over to Luna) You like her.

Blaise: (scoffs) You don't know me.

Karamo: Watch your mouth young man, I'm a f**king professional.

(cuts to Karamo)

Karamo: (grinning from ear to ear) I have an in.

(Fab 5 theme song end, "All THINGS juuust keep getting bETTTerrrr!")