(Fab 5 intro song) All THINGS juust keep getting bEEETterrr!
(Moaning Myrtle's bathroom)
Jonathan: -EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
Hermione: (tapping fingers on arm of chair) You done?
(cuts to Hermione in front of camera)
Hermione: Jonathan is…quite chatty.
(cuts to Jonathan and Hermione in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom)
Jonathan: Okay. So, like, I'm super bummed that the little Chosen Thang won't let me cut his hair. I mean, like, I'm sorry, but you would be sooooooooo cuuuuuuute if you'd just let me zhuzh up that bird's nest, so you can show off your gorgeous face.
Hermione: (dully) Right.
Jonathan: Anyway, I totally don't blame you for punching little Baby Dray in the face, because he is a piece. Of. Work. After he said all that sh*t to you, I was like, "Hunny! What is your deal? Like, who hurt you?"
Hermione: Yeah.
Jonathan: So, do you have a boyfriend, because you're like totally beautiful and I'm like obsessed with you. I mean who gave you permission? You know?
Hermione: No boyfriend. (reddens)
Jonathan: (squeals) Look at your ca-uuute little blush! You have the ca-uuuuutest blush. Who is he?
Hermione: He's…not my boyfriend. Just a boy I like.
Jonathan: Well, hunny, when I'm done with you, he won't be able to see anything but those gorgeous cheekbones and those Bambi brown eyes. Did you know that you have the ca-uuuuuutest eyes? They're seriously so cute.
Hermione: (reddening. Obviously pleased) Really?
Jonathan: Hunny. You are like…ga-orgeous. Like, the only reason Draco was so mean to you is because he's like totally after your body.
Hermione: (grimacing) He is not.
Jonathan: Uh. Yeah he is. (fluffs her hair) So like, I'm definitely seeing that you have some dryness. I think you're using the wrong shampoo. For thick, gorgeous hair like yours, you totally have to use something gentle on the scalp, because a lot of the shampoos out there are drying AF. And we don't want that.
Hermione: (intrigued) Really?
Jonathan: And I definitely think you're overcompensating by using too much conditioner. Tell me you don't wash your hair every day.
(cuts to Hermione in front of camera)
Hermione: So, apparently, I suck at being a girl. I didn't know any of this stuff. (eyes harden) Why does Draco Malfoy know all of this and I don't?
(cuts to Jonathan cutting her hair)
Jonathan: So, you're like this super genius, fierce warrior princess, and I'm pretty sure I'm obsessed. But I just want you to know that it's okay to have like a relationship with yourself. It's not vanity, it's self-care. Do you know what I mean? Like…it doesn't mean you're stupid or you're vain or whatever if you take a little moment for yourself every day and really care a little about how you present yourself to the world.
(cuts to Hermione in front of camera. She is crying)
Hermione: I just…. (wipes eyes) I think I need to hang out with more girls. (blows nose) Or at least gays.
(cuts to Antoni and Hagrid in the Hogwarts kitchen)
Antoni: (swings a tea towel over his left shoulder) Okay, so I'm going to show you how to make something that you can serve to your guests, likeyour rock cakes, but it's just a little bit more elevated, and it won't send them to the hospital.
Hagrid: Okay.
Antoni: Great. So, we're going to make chocolate cookies with just five ingredients. Isn't that cool?
Hagrid: (a little bored) Sounds good.
Antoni: And these are Paleo and gluten-free, which is awesome. So, the avocado in these is what's really going to give it that moist, fudgy, melt-in-your-mouth creaminess.
(a shuffle in the kitchen disrupts them. Antoni turns to find a young man who looks a remarkable amount like him, making himself a sandwich)
Theo: Are you going to use all of those avocados?
Antoni: (stuttering) Um…n-n-no. No. Absolutely not. Do you want one? You can have one. Let me get you one. (starts scrambling, but seems to have forgotten what to do with his hands)
Theo: (smirking) Don't hurt yourself. (reaches across Antoni to grab an avocado, never breaking eye contact)
Antoni: (watching him flawlessly cut and peel the avocado) Um…what was I saying?
(cuts to Jonathan and Hermione)
Jonathan: (holding his hands over her eyes) Are you ready?
Hermione: (inhales) I'm ready.
Jonathan: (removes hands to reveal silky, shiny, hair-model-level locks)
Hermione: (gasps) Is this really me?
Jonathan: Can you believe?
Hermione: You've… you've made me shiny. (looks back at Jonathan and takes his hand in hers, her eyes welling up) Thank you.
(cuts to Hermione walking down the hall with a bounce in her step. She walks up to Ron and taps him on the shoulder)
Hermione: (in a confident, slightly sexy voice) Hi Ron.
Ron: Hey. Did you finish Snape's essay yet? I'm totally lost.
Hermione: (draws herself up) Do you…notice anything different?
Ron: (looks her up and down) Not really.
Hermione: (grimaces) Really? Nothing?
Ron: I don't know, Hermione. Did you straighten your teeth?
Hermione: (her eyes harden) In forth year.
Ron: Right. It looks good. Anyway. The essay?
Hermione: (scowls) I can't believe you! (storms off)
Ron: (calling out to her) I said it looks good! What more should I have said?
(cuts to Hermione sitting on some stairs with tears welling in her eyes. Draco walks by and sees the back of her head.)
Draco: (straightening his robes and his hair) Excuse me, Miss. I don't believe we've met. I'm… (sees it's Hermione as she turns to face him. He straightens his collar) Hhhhhomina.
Hermione: (glaring) What do you want, Malfoy?
Draco: (opens mouth and closes it several times) Homina, homina, homina.
Hermione: Malfoy, are you alright?
Draco: I…. I … (conjures a glass of water)
Hermione: (narrows eyes in confusion) Are you having a stroke?
Draco: (face reddening as he alters between loosening his collar and gulping water) Granger… you… Sweet Merlin.
Hermione: What is your problem?
Draco: You… Granger, you're beautiful.
Hermione: (freezes) Say what?
(cuts to Draco in front of the camera)
Draco: (hasn't said anything for several minutes. His mouth is open.) Her hair!
(cuts to Draco and Hermione)
Draco: (Is visibly sweating now) Granger… (conjures more water) will you… um… is it hot in here?
Hermione: (shrugs) Not really. It's actually a bit drafty.
Draco: Um… Granger… maybe sometime you and I could… um… I don't know. Maybe… you want to… um… (conjures more water).
Hermione: Huh?
Draco: GoHogsmeadewithme?
Hermione: I'm sorry, what?
Draco: GO OUT WITH ME, YOU SPECTACULAR BINT!
Hermione: (freezes. Blinks. Then releases torrents of laughter) That's hilarious, Malfoy!
Draco: So… that's a no, then?
Hermione: (clutching her side from the laughter) I'm sorry! I can't… (loses breath from laughter)
(cuts to Hermione in front of camera)
Hermione: (still laughing)
(cuts to Draco in front of camera)
Draco: (glaring) She might have just said 'no.'
(cuts to Draco pouting on the Quidditch pitch. Karamo walks by and joins him.)
Karamo: Rejection?
Draco: (nods)
Karamo: Me too. (puts hand on shoulder) It's okay. I got you.
(cuts to Karamo)
Karamo: My grandmother always said that if you want to really get to know someone, get to know their friends.
(cuts to Bobby, wheezing in Hagrid's hut, knuckles bleeding from the sheer amount of work that has gone into it. We cannot yet see Hagrid's hut because everything is covered in plastic.)
Bobby: (hands shaking) Why didn't I just stay in Missouri and marry that girl in my choir?
(Fab 5 theme song, "All THINGS juuust keep getting bETTTerrrr!")
If you check out my page on AO3, I post the link to the avocado chocolate cookies Antoni makes in this chapter.
They really are Paleo and gluten-free, and they really are awesome! They just seemed like something Antoni would make.
Love you guys!
