Sorry for the dialect, guys! You're going to have to read some things out loud, probably.


(McGonagall is in front of the camera. She is sporting a persimmon lip color, a Mia Farrow haircut, and a record-setting frown.)

McGonagall: There is a chance that Severus was right.

(cuts to McGonagall grading papers in her office. Jonathan swings the door open and enters without knocking)

Jonathan: Oh my God, yaaaaasssss. I just wanted to meet you because you're the gorgeous nominator for our Baby Haggy, and you're so cute! Everybody in this castle is so cute. Who gave you permission? I'm Jonathan and you're Minerva, which is gorgeous. I love that name. So, tell me about yourself. Don't leave out any details. I want to know you Grandma Minerva. Can I call you that? I'm gonna call you that. Oh my gawwwsh, when was the last time you got your hair cut?

(cuts to McGonagall)

McGonagall: I also met someone named "Blanche"?

(cuts to Jonathan)

Jonathan: Oh, be still my sweet, Georgian hawwwart! I do DECLAY-AHHH, Minuuhva! This is juuust the most dahhhhlin' castle I buh-lieve ah've evaahh seeeeen!

(cuts to Tan holding Jonathan by the hand and bringing him into Hagrid's hut. He looks concerned.)

Bobby: (pauses in his painting one of the beams in Hagrid's hut) You aren't supposed to be here.

Tan: I'm worried about Jonathan.

Jonathan: Ah juuust luuuuv mah Hogwoh-ahhts beh-behhhsss!

Tan: I found him like this, wondering the halls of the castle.

Jonathan: Well, I do DECLAY-AHHHH! Ah could nevah be law-st in such a luuh-vly play-ce!

Bobby: (coming down from the ladder) Love you, Blanche!

(Antoni comes in giggling and holding Theo's hand)

Jonathan: Oh, mah sweeeet beh-beh Antoni! How ahhh you, sugah? And who is yo-ah gentleman fraaand?

Theo: (quirks an eyebrow) What in gay hell?

(cuts to Antoni and Bobby in front of camera)

Antoni: Blanche is sort of this…alternate persona that Jonathan adopts whenever he gets overly excitable.

Bobby: We're starting to suspect he's possessed.

(cuts back to Hagrid's hut)

Jonathan: Who on uuuuh-th invited all these gays to the pah-ty? Why, ah do declay-ah! When ah I was little guhl growin' up in Atlanta, you nevah saw such thangs! Nowadays they'ah everywhey-ah!

(Cuts to Antoni and Bobby)

Bobby: Blanche is also a little homophobic.

(cuts to Jonathan)

Jonathan: Blanche was actually my auntie and she died about ten years ago. She was like…way meaner than people even realize. She once saw me licking the brownie batter off a spoon when I was seven and tried to convince my mom to send me to (uses air quotes) "Fag Camp."

(cuts to Harry and Ron in front of camera)

Harry: I might have done a thing.

Ron: A stupid thing.

Harry: You were the one who said Hagrid was bumming you out.

Ron: He was but bringing Madame Maxime back is just gonna make him worse.

Harry: (grimaces and pouts) F**cking great, Ron. Way to ruin the surprise.

(Cut to Madame Maxime knocking on Hagrid's door)

Madame Maxime (hereinafter "MM"): 'agrid? (knocks) 'agrid. You wanted to see me?

(the door opens and it's Bobby covered in paint)

Bobby: Yeah?

MM: I am 'ere to see 'agrid.

Bobby: (jaw drops) You're the girlfriend.

MM: Excuse me. (scowls haughtily) 'agrid and I were lovers. Ze word 'girlfriaaand' eees so pedestrian.

Bobby: (smiles) Oh, you, I like. Get your gorgeous French ass in here!

(cuts to Karamo and Draco on the Quidditch pitch)

Karamo: What kind of man do you want to be?

Draco: (seems confused by the question) The…kind that gets off with pretty birds with great hair."

Karamo: (laughs) Oh, you're a player!

Draco: (rolls eyes) I asked her out and she laughed at me.

Karamo: (nudges him) So you'll try again. If you open your heart and your mind, good things will happen to you.

(cuts to Draco by himself)

Draco: If he had stuck around and helped raise Blaise, there' no way I'd be friends with him.

(Cuts back to Draco and Karamo)

Karmao: Did you tell her how you feel?

Draco: I asked her to go to Hogsmeade with me.

Karamo: And she turned you down. Women need to know how a man sees them. If you have feelings for this girl, you can't sit around and hope that she's going to see that. You've got to be a man of action.

Draco: How?

(cuts to Draco waiting outside the Gryffindor Common Room for Hermione. He leans against the wall, bored, but straightens up when the portrait of the Fat Lady opens and Hermione walks out.)

Draco: (clears throat and reads from paper) She walks in beauty like the night—

Hermione: Nope. (walks away)

(cuts to Draco and Karamo)

Draco: Well, that was a f**king bust.

Karamo: What do you think you did wrong?

Draco: (looks incredulous) I didn't do anything wrong. I read her poetry. (eyes widen and his voice drops to a hushed tone) Poetry. If anyone ever finds out—

Karamo: Who cares what anyone thinks, Draco. If you really care about this girl, you've got to figure out a way to genuinely tell her how you feel in a way that she would understand. What are her interests?

Draco: (shrugs) Books. She's a total nerd.

Karamo: (laughs) I love a nerd. What else?

Draco: House elves. She's a complete bleeding heart and it's bloody annoying.

Karamo: Well, there you go. Figure out a way to connect with her.

Draco: So, you're saying…I should buy a bookstore and name it after her?

(cuts to Karamo)

Karamo: I think Draco is so used to just buying things that he wants that he doesn't understand that some things can't be bought.

(Cuts to Karamo and Blaise)

Karamo: So, tell me about my son.

Draco: (shrugs) He's a c*nt. What if I bought a bunch of house elves, and… hear me out… freed them?

Karamo: What about this girl, Luna Lovegood? I think Blaise likes her.

Draco: (laughs outrageously) Wow. That's fantastic. I can't wait to get on his case about that.

Karamo: Why?

Draco: Luna Lovegood is a total freak.

(cuts to Tan looking Luna up and down)

Tan: (touches her orange radish earrings) No.

(cuts to Karamo and Draco)

Karamo: Interesting.

(cuts to Harry, Ron, and Hermione in the Great Hall at dinner)

Ron: (shoveling food in his mouth, motions towards Hermione, speaking to Harry) Hermione got her teeth fixed.

Hermione: (drops fork) For the last time, Ronald. It wasn't my teeth that was different.

Harry: Yeah. Obviously, Hermione got changed her hai—

Hermione: Harry, don't. I want Ron to figure it out himself.

Ron: (rolls eyes) Does this mean you're not helping me with Snape's essay?

Hermione: (Stabs a potato with her fork) Let that be another thing you have to figure out for yourself. (her eyes wander over to the Slytherin table. She sees Draco staring at her wistfully, but he averts his eyes when she catches him looking)

Harry: Hermione?

Hermione: Yeah? Sorry. I was thinking about… never mind. What do you need?

Harry: Since I know what you did differently, will you help me with my essay?

Hermione: (rolls eyes) I need better friends. (stands up and leaves the Great Hall. Doesn't see Draco follow her)

Draco: (calling after her) Granger, hold up.

Hermione: (rolls eyes) I'm not in the mood, Malfoy.

Draco: Just hear me out. I wrote you a letter, but I know if I just give it to you, you'll throw it away without reading it.

Hermione: Correct.

Draco: So, I'm going to read it to you.

Hermione: (rolls eyes) Perfect.

Draco: Just give me two minutes. (clears throat and reads) "Granger. I'm sorry I ever made fun of your hair. But to be fair, I didn't know you were hot, so I really can't be blamed."

Hermione: Really?

Draco: Hush, there's more. (continues) "I feel stupid that I didn't see how beautiful you were underneath your hair."

Hermione: (face softens a bit)

Draco: "But, to be fair, your hair was absolutely atrocious, so it's not really my fault. Hot people should let the world know who they are so everyone knows to be nice to them. Look at me. I don't hide the fact that I'm a superior—"

Hermione: (holds up hand to stop him) I'm going to stop you right there. I don't know what's wrong with men that they seem to be born with an entire part of their brain missing. Ron doesn't know what I look like, and you only seem to know what I look like. Because if you knew anything else about me, you would know that this is not how you apologize to me.

Draco: (the paper crumples in his hand) Tell me what to do.

Hermione: (laughs darkly) Figure it out. (stomps away)

(cuts to Karamo and Draco)

Draco: I thought you were supposed to be good at this shite! I'm calling bullshit. You're an amateaur.

(cuts to Karmao in front of the camera)

Karamo: Getting to know Blaise's best friend really clarifies a lot of questions I had about Blaise.

(cuts to Bobby and MM getting drunk in Hagrid's cabin. An empty bottle of Hagrid's mystery liquor rolls on the floor.)

Bobby: (takes a swig from a second bottle) Can I tell you a secret? (leans in and whispers) I hate doing this show. I get no screen time, and I do like… ten times more work than any of those other homos! (takes another angry swig from the bottle)

MM: (hums in understanding) 'agrid and I… sometimes made love in the Chamber of Secrets. We liked 'ow much room zere was and zee echoes and humidity were very nice.

Bobby: (nods) Olympe… (throws an arm around her) You're my best friend in the whole entire world.

(cuts to MM)

MM: I do not know 'oo zis man ees supposed to be. Ees zees Rue Paul's Drag Race? I vaaary much like zat show.

(Fab 5 theme song, "All THINGS juuust keep getting bETTTerrrr!")