Aftermath
- Revan Freeflight -
If I hadn't run off alone...
The temptation to sink into guilt was familiar. As familiar as the tinny scent of blood and burnt metal that distorted the air. The acrid smell of warfare that part of me recognized all too well.
Juhani's limp figure lay some metres ahead, wedged firmly under a collapsed wall of alien metal. I felt my teeth grit as I stared at her body, bloodied and half-concealed by the kneeling form of Jolee.
I had no right to guilt. It was Juhani's decision to come here. Just as it was her choice to stand against Bastila. Juhani was my crewmate, my comrade... not my follower, despite what Bastila had espoused. Juhani had thrown her life on the line for her values, and I had to respect that. I knew my Cathar friend – she would willingly bear the sacrifice of a limb, and call it a fair exchange.
"We wait for the others, then we free Juhani," Jolee said, in a low voice that matched the grimness in my soul. He was crouching over Juhani, an amber figure glowing softly in my Force-enhanced vision. Spilled blood speckled a lattice of blue-black over his steady hands. "We need a more suitable place to assess that leg."
"I thought you said the leg couldn't be saved," Yudan intoned. "A lightsaber will give a clean, cauterized cut. I didn't pick you as the sort to shy away from hard choices."
Yudan was idly twirling the deactivated hilt in his grasp, as if field amputations were commonplace to him. Perhaps they were. I felt the sensation of familiarity heighten, and I didn't need a flash of the past to know this was the sort of situation I'd been in countless times before.
"Don't assume you know me, sonny boy." Jolee's rejoinder was no more than a mild rebuke. His attention was fixed upon his palms as they gently pressed against Juhani's upper thigh. "I ain't chopping off legs without adequate reason to. Her limb's a goner, but with proper medical facilities more of it can be saved-"
"Proper medical facilities?" The derision in Yudan's voice was palpable. "Is that what you call your storage closet filled with kolto 'derms and kiosk-strength painkillers?"
"Not the 'Hawk," I cut in. "Jolee's thinking about afterwards."
"Aye," Jolee assented. He raised one hand, and I felt the Force draw to him, gentle and unassuming, as his 'saber rattled free from underneath a pile of debris. A second later, it thudded into his grasp, and Jolee deftly cinched it onto his belt. "The Star Forge beckons, sonny boy. After that, we'll either be space dust or nestled in the bosom of a Republic Fleet. With fancy med-droids and bacta tanks aplenty."
"That's an assumption or two," Yudan drawled. He stood back from Jolee, arms hanging loosely at his sides, and lekku trailing proud behind him. As casual as Yudan's stance was, I could sense an undercurrent of readiness about him. I wasn't sure if the man ever truly relaxed. "I have seen enough to know you deal to injuries with immediacy, for predicting the future is no more than a spice junkie's game."
"Jolee's right," I said softly. "Leg or no leg, Juhani is too injured to assist in any meaningful way on the Forge. If we had more time for her to recover..." I trailed off, as I eyed over a skewer of metal that stabbed into the Cathar's hip. It wasn't just her leg that needed seeing to. "We keep her under and treat the wounds. We leave the leg alone. And, stars willing, she'll be in better hands within a day or two."
My gaze drew unerringly to Yudan's. He tilted his head in a slight gesture of acquiescence, but I wondered if he was thinking the same as me. Victory means us in the hands of the Republic. Yudan Rosh and Revan Freeflight. It would be an ending rather than a beginning for the likes of us.
One step at a time. Focus on what's needed, right here and now. I shut my eyes against the indigo backdrop of Force sight, and centred myself.
Emotions sat like sick in my gut. Not just guilt- for I couldn't deny that anger seethed in my soul as well. At Bastila, at Yudan. At the awareness that a friend's leg might be only a sliver of the final cost. And inflaming everything, interleaving deep within the Force, was the kaiburr's susurrating promise of power.
Yet... yet, calming the morass of those emotions, rising above them, and spurning the crepuscular voice that tempted me with the weight of my own desires... it was becoming easier.
Gently, I once more unfurled my senses. A clean, raw strength rushed through my limbs, and a second later my lightsaber flew home into my palm. When I looked up, it was to see Yudan still appraising me from the other side of the room.
"Bastila set this up," he stated, as if daring me to deny the truth. "She betrayed you."
"No." An instinctive denial rallied forth from my lips. No more than reflex, really; an innate response to refute that anyone so close to me would succumb to treachery-
"You have always been blind, Revan, when it comes to the few who truly know you." There was a damnable look of something close to pity on Yudan's face. I felt myself flush in mild irritation. Yudan had never met Bastila. He didn't know a sodding thing about our relationship-
Not Bastila. The bleak realization chased away my ire. He's referring to Malak.
Had I ever predicted Malak's betrayal? Considered it? Taken into account the possibility?
Somehow, I didn't think so.
I'd always been more powerful than him, a voice whispered. But he'd always been able to surprise me.
"No," I repeated, softer now, my thoughts less reactive as they skimmed over recent events. "It wasn't Bastila's betrayal." Not when it might mean her death. "She knew nothing of the explosion. Malak's hand was behind that."
"You believe Bastila Shan would never betray you?" One brow shot up in disbelief. "Malak Devari swore undying love to you once, Revan. He promised fealty. He knelt and named you master. What makes you convinced Bastila Shan would stay true when Malak did not?"
I glanced away, my lips twisting. "I never shared a Force bond with Malak. No, he used Bastila. Used her to lure me to top of the pyramid and straight into that primed snubfighter."
He must have considered that I might not fall into line with Bastila's desires. That I might have enough warning to survive. The whole chain of events had an orchestrated feel to it, like Bastila had been set up to take the fall. What does Malak think I'll do next, once he realizes I still live? Turn on Bastila? Maybe. If he ever understood the depths of our bond-
I bit off a broken laugh. I didn't understand the depths of our sodding bond.
"I'm glad you find something amusing in this situation," Yudan said, his voice droll. "For I fail to."
"Oh, there's nothing amusing about any of this," I muttered, my eyes narrowing as a flash of Yudan's swinging lightsaber burned through my mind. One inch closer, and it would have seared into Jolee's neck. The old man hadn't commented on it so far, but I damn well was not going to let it lie. "Or about-"
Something sparked in the Force; close enough that I halted, mid-speech. There was a scuffing noise from the stairwell-
"The others," I murmured, turning back to face the archway.
The armoured hulk of Canderous was the first to appear. He took one step inside, visored face scanning the room, his repeating blaster hefting in his grasp.
"Is this area secure?" he demanded, in lieu of greeting.
"We're the only ones here." Something inside me eased as Zaalbar and Carth followed him in. Despite everything – Bastila, Juhani's injury, the scrambler – we'd find a way forward. I didn't know how much to believe in the frelling will of the Force these days, but there'd be a solution. There always was.
"The princess?"
I shook my head. With a deft twist of a plated gauntlet, Canderous broke open a light-stick and threw it into the room. Invariably, my gaze trailed to Carth. I couldn't see his expression behind the visor he wore, but I could feel the heaviness of it.
"What happened?" Carth asked. His voice was low, and brimming with intensity.
"Give me a hand over here," Jolee cut in before I could answer. "And tell me you brought some darn medkits with you. We have to get Juhani moved, so leave off the recriminations until we're back at the 'Hawk."
There was a distressed moan from Zaalbar as they collectively looked to the limp form of the Cathar. Metallic rubble had collapsed over her legs, but the primary source of concern was the sharp edge of a panel shearing diagonally into her left thigh. From this angle, it looked to have sliced almost entirely through the limb. Blood pooled beneath Juhani's body, saturating up the sides of her robe. While Yudan's stasis may have slowed the bleeding, now, I was worried about the amount that had already been spilled.
Carth took one step towards me, before striding purposefully to Jolee, shrugging off his pack and upending it.
"(Jen. You ran off alone)," Zaalbar admonished, his rumble gravelly with discontent. "(I may not understand all that you face, but I thought you understood I have a right to face it with you)."
"Bastila begged me to hurry," I replied, staring at the steadiness of Carth's hands as he pulled out hypo-sprays and bactawraps from one of the 'Hawk's medkits. "I thought she might be here in person. I-"
I couldn't deny her. Her desperation, her urgency. Her need. We stood on opposite sides, now, but the link between us was ever-present.
"But the princess ain't here," Canderous ground out. "Revan. What the kriff happened?"
Malak happened.
"Bastila wanted me to travel to the Forge alone," I said, semi-absently, as I watched Carth inject drugs into Juhani's thigh. It brought back a fleeting recollection of his expertise dealing with Belaya's broken ribs. He'd had more than basic medic training. Despite everything we'd gone through, it made me realize how many parts of his past I didn't know. "She thought she was acting without Malak's knowledge. She underestimated him."
That drew a dismissive snort from Canderous. "Well. She always had a penchant for missing the obvious."
"Yeah. You could say that." The bond was still quiet. A dead, empty tunnel ending in a barricade. Had anything filtered through to her? Did she have any idea what happened... how bad the repercussions could have been?
I didn't think so. But Malak wouldn't allow her to remain ignorant for long. Which meant... will she reach out to me? Malak will make her. Malak will...
"Malak will understand we are alive, and soon," Yudan weighed in, echoing my thoughts. "He will move against us, if the Fleet doesn't distract him."
I saw Carth's shoulders stiffen at that. "Do you have intel on the Fleet?" he demanded, without turning from his position next to Juhani.
"No," I whispered, as I considered my next words. Throw the truth out there. Best we are all prepared for what is to come. "But Bastila plans on using her battle meditation against them."
Carth inhaled, a sharp intake of air audible within the room. This time, he did turn. "Are you serious?"
"Yes." The word breathed out as I recalled the fiery passion of Bastila's conviction. She was utterly convinced of something worse out there, worse than Malak, worse than the downfall of the Republic. I knew we couldn't harness the Star Forge without losing ourselves, no matter our intentions- and the thought that Bastila might be wrong about a threat lurking beyond known space had skimmed wildly through my head more than once. But, perhaps, I also had to consider- what if she's right?
"Maybe you saw HK on your way up - he's gone to assess the kaiburr," I continued, my thoughts still on my bond-sister even as I relayed the information. "We'll destroy the scrambler, wait until the Fleet arrive as a cover, and then travel to stop Bastila. Extract Bastila."
If Bastila was right, if I had been right, last time – and, frankly, I'd had a lot more information then than I did now – then what else could I do about it?
I needed to focus on Bastila. Malak. The Star Forge. But the possibility that I might not prevail had to be taken into account. The idea that the galaxy itself might have no inkling of something worse-
Something worse than Malak ruling as Dark Lord?
"Why'd I go to the Unknown Regions?" The words came out low and hard. I stared at Yudan, before transferring my focus to Canderous. Two people with me, who might have some idea of the missing link. Yudan had said I'd discovered ruins of a Sith Academy on Malachor V that pointed to the Star Forge. I'd found something else in the Unknown Regions. But how were the two associated? What had propelled me beyond known space? "I went straight there after Malachor – why?"
There was a heavy pause as both men appraised me. Yudan hadn't been at Malachor. Canderous had only been on the fringes. I didn't know what sort of answer I expected from them, but it surprised me to hear Carth speak instead.
"The party line was that you led a third of the Republic Fleet to mop up the remnants of the Mandalorians." His voice was so quiet I could barely hear it. "Maybe some of the Clans led you there."
"No." Canderous' negative was sharp and harsh. "Even in the face of defeat, even broken, we Mando'ade do not run. And we know well the risks of venturing into unknown space."
"You always believed the Mandalorian Wars masked another purpose," Yudan uttered. "To lure the Jedi into outright battle."
"Huh. It was me who did that, in the end." I bit back a bitter laugh. "Under the guise of building a stronger Republic."
"There's no denying the Republic was weakened after the Wars," Carth said slowly. He was still kneeling next to Juhani, but his concentration was firmly fixed on the conversation. "Even in victory. But a deeper reason behind the Mandalorian offensive other than their love of combat? Blast, I don't know."
"Combat and honour make a warrior. Family and blood make a clan." Canderous shifted, slinging his weapon over a shoulder before folding his arms. "But it is Mand'alor's will that has always united us, whether into battle or peace."
"Mandalore's will..." I trailed off, frowning. The Mandalorian culture sometimes had the feel of a dictatorship about it. Clan leaders had clout, sure, but it was Mandalore who ruled above all. Above blood, above individual desires, above Clan honour.
What was your will? A voice demanded. It sounded like mine. To throw your people against mine? To claim territory you had no hope of holding for long, even had you won?
"He dreamed our battle songs would echo through the ages," Canderous added. There was a faint touch of nostalgia in his voice. He must have been so invested, once – Canderous, a significant leader from a significant clan. "We Mando'ade have always followed our Mand'alor, even if it meant leaving our posts in the Outer Rim."
The Outer Rim... the traditional home of the Mandalorians.
Why leave the Outer Rim? The heart of your Clan territories? Why over-extend in a fashion that would weaken the Mandalorians, much as it did the Republic?
A ghostly throb of pain lanced deep into my stomach. My hands pressed there instinctively, as an echo of discomfort travelled down one leg.
What set you on this path, Mandalore?
...
"They tricked me," the burly man gasped. A dark rivulet of blood dribbled over his thick, fleshy lips. I dug my palm tight against the deep slash in my gut, and had the inane idea that it was the only thing still holding my guts inside. "We were never meant to win this war. They used me and my people to test the Republic's strength."
I pushed the pain back. It was unimportant. The Force could hold my flesh in for now.
"Who used you?" I demanded. I had to get off this dustball planet, and quick. Em and Xaset were waiting for my command, and it had to be now. Now, while most of the Clan leaders were rallied here, at the culmination of everything.
I did not want to think about the sacrifice ahead. There was no way I could pull all the troops out. Not in time. Not while so many Mando warships sat in orbit, like sitting tach, halted from any offense only due to the mystique of a blood duel on their sacred planet.
"The Sith." Bubbles of death trapped in his throat, distorting his words. Proud blue eyes creased with virulent dislike as they glared up at me.
"The Sith?" I'd thought it before, but I'd never been certain. The Sith were an ideology that hadn't been heard from since the demise of Exar Kun. And, yet, Kun had involved the Clans back then, hadn't he?
A rasping laugh coughed mockingly from the older man's lungs. "Not those pretenders from a generation ago. You want to see the real puppet-master behind my work, little jetii? Follow my trail beyond the Outer Rim. Follow my footsteps. You'll be played, just as I was."
...
"Revan, why are you clutching your side?"
I stared down blindly. My fingers clawed deep into my stomach. I expected to see dark blood oozing over my hand, and yet there was nothing.
My other hand... my other hand was holding an ornate, horned helm. A symbol of leadership, an icon of Mandalorian history more powerful than the mask I'd bartered against it. I'd always planned to destroy their cursed helm, launch another blow against the unification of the Clans, another strike at their common banner-
But the Clans held parts of the Outer Rim firm. They always had. Not all sectors, no, but if anything was going to emerge from beyond known space, it would likely be the Mandalorians who encountered it first.
And now I was one blow away from breaking them entirely.
My fingers clenched against nothing. The destruction at Malachor had happened regardless, but I remembered making one slight change to my plans, that day. One out, in case there was ever a need for the Clans to rally again-
"Canderous," I croaked. "Throw me your comm."
HK. I can leave a message with HK-
I needed to focus on Malak. This wasn't the time to go chasing the ghosts of the past. But that didn't mean I couldn't leave a trail of crumbs behind.
xXx
The walk back through the Lehon undergrowth was sombre. Jolee led the way, pulling aside the bracken with a good-natured grumble as Zaalbar carried the unconscious Juhani in his arms. Low-lying brambles and spurs of sprawling shrubs made the journey vaguely unpleasant, but at least I knew it to be a relatively short walk back to the beach.
Canderous brought up the rear, dominating the conversation with an ongoing cross-examination of HK and his knowledge of the Star Forge. I was grateful for the distraction, listening to their diatribe with half an ear. For Carth strode next to me, and I knew he was just waiting for a moment to speak. I didn't know if I was sensing something with the Force, or if it was the way he kept turning to face me, but I could tell he was brimming with barely held-back questions. The personal mingling with the important. It made me feel an uncertainty I couldn't afford.
Sooner or later, he was going to interject-
"Revan, what... what did you need to say to that blasted droid that was so important?"
I tensed. I had asked the others – told them, really – to grant me ten minutes alone. Used Canderous' comm to organize a private rendezvous with HK outside the pyramid, while I left my crewmates behind to deal with Juhani.
Of course, HK had remained obstinately silent until I'd lifted the sodding gag order-
Well, it was done, now. HK had his future commands and a holo-recording for safe-keeping. I had no idea if it would make any difference in the end, but at least the knowledge from Malachor was somewhere else other than the murky fractures of my head.
"A message for someone," I said quietly. "It's- it's not important right now, Carth."
He wasn't going to let that go easily – and I couldn't blame him. Carth had always disliked a lack of transparency, and such a vague answer from the likes of me made it worse by an order of magnitude.
But as I wasn't sure about the message, about my memory, about the truth of anything I recalled-
No. It was best to keep it private, for now.
"HK's uploaded his assessment of the scrambler's mechanism to the 'Hawk," I offered, in the faint hope that Carth would be suitably distracted. The assassination droid had completed his objective before my transmit to him and, in that regard, things actually looked promising. "If we open with the turbolasers to damage the outer framework of the pyramid, we can follow up with the proton torpedo. It should be enough to disable the scrambler – if not destroy the kaiburr entirely."
All we needed was the Republic Fleet to arrive, now. And the 'Hawk to be flight-worthy.
"I know." Carth's response was curt. "I heard the tail-end of his report when I exited the pyramid, Revan."
"Oh." I felt strangely tense and awkward as we dwindled into silence. The crunching sound of dry undergrowth beneath our boots seemed discordantly loud. I knew Carth wasn't pleased with my earlier response, and could guess at his thoughts. He doesn't know whether to push this topic, or move onto something else. Stars knew there were enough matters left unspoken between us, and I vacillated between believing that was a good thing and wanting to spill my heart out to him.
"So, Tinhead," Canderous drawled from behind me. He'd been marching next to HK since we'd left the pyramid, peppering him with questions about what we'd be up against. Most were details we'd already gone over with the droid while in hyperspace, but I respected Canderous' desire to revisit the specifics. "Let's go over the outer defense specs of the Forge. There's a standard deflector shield to repel enemy fire. We should be able to get past the short-range heavy lasers that guard the three primary docking bays. Our main resistance looks like whatever forces ole Malak has in the skies. Is there anything else we need to take into account?"
I frowned, thinking on the defense matrix over the primary docks. There was something bothering me, an elusive detail I should be catching-
"Answer: Spontaneous fusion-drive malfunction is always a possibility. Not to mention one of Gizka Spawn's pazaak cards getting wedged in the turbine compressor."
"The docks," I murmured to myself. Bastila. There were three massive entrances to the Star Forge that we'd studied from the schematics, all designed to allow large deployments of factory-built starships. But Bastila had mentioned something else. "HK, is there an officer's dock on the ventral wing of the Forge?"
"Affirmation: There are three small, private docking bays designed for high-ranking meatbags and their own personal craft. These are detailed as supplementary exhaust vents on every diagrammatic, at your command. Elucidation: You desired a means of travelling to and from the Star Forge largely unseen, master. It is also a method I utilized myself."
Secret docking bays known only to a few. How did Bastila find out? She'd wanted me to land in one of those docks. The ventral one, she'd said, was located close to her. Would Malak have known she'd planned that? He knew the Forge's snubfighter would never launch from Lehon, so it might very well be a detail he was missing.
If Malak thought on the possibility of the Ebon Hawk reaching the Star Forge, would he account for us using an alternative entrance?
"Alright. We check those out back at the 'Hawk," Canderous commented. The thud of his footsteps were heavy behind me. "Could be that's the best ticket for a Dynamic-class freighter to land unseen, assuming the docks are open."
Bastila had said they would be. Bastila could help, in that regard... if Malak wasn't watching over her personally.
Bastila still wanted me to stand onboard the Star Forge, no matter that our objectives now stood worlds apart.
"We'll need to go over the internal defences in that area of the Star Forge," Canderous continued. My gaze slid sideways, to see Carth's visor turned in my direction. "So far, we've been planning under the assumption of landing in one of the primary docks."
"Commentary: Anti-personnel turrets and heavy blast doors are standard throughout the entirety of the Star Forge," HK intoned, from his position next to Canderous. "The true might of the Star Forge comes from its ability to produce machinery, not any sort of humdrum defensive capability."
"Machinery?" I asked, shooting the droid a quick frown over my shoulder. "Are you referring to the ships it creates, or something else?"
"Clarification: The Rakatan created the Star Forge as an automated starship production facility. However, it must be noted that you were exploring its ability to create battle droids, when you last held mastery of the Star Forge."
"Droids, eh?" Canderous issued a mild grunt of interest. "Suppose that explains your origins, Tinhead."
"Agreement: I am the forty-seventh iteration of the master's brilliance marrying with the Star Forge's technological prowess. The perfection of my own designation required an exhaustive amount of time and resource, and so the master was exploring the mass-production of a simpler, and hence inferior, model." There was a faint whir from HK as he took the moment to pause for what he probably calculated as dramatic effect. "Reflection: Had the master been able to replicate my design on a large scale, no doubt we would already be ruling the galaxy in a choke-hold of efficiency and superior intellect."
Canderous snorted. "Alright, so I guess we assume ole Malak continued along the same line as Revan did. Tell us more about these kriffing battle droids."
It was odd, hearing of my past plans and deeds, issued forth from the creepy vocabulator of an ominously capable assassination droid. Sometimes I felt like HK's presence was nothing more than a big karmic joke.
"Revan." Carth's low voice dragged my attention away from HK's diatribe of mechanical specifications. "This isn't the time for secrets. Whatever set you running off to HK, if it has any bearing on the Star Forge or Malak or anything you need to tell us."
"It's not-" I sighed. I owed Carth the truth. I owed him a damn sight more than that, but being around him now just reminded me of the fleeting moments we'd had... the poignant moments I'd lost. "It's no secret, Carth. A future set of orders and a change of ownership, in the event of my death. I hardly want him to end up in the back corner of a substandard droid shop again."
"Revan-" Carth sounded like he was biting back curses. "You can't go into this accepting your own death-"
"I'm not. Trust me, Carth, I'm not. I just- remembered something I had to take care of."
"Interjection: And by something, the master means diminishing my abilities into no more than a holo-recording unit. Perhaps next I shall be put to use scrubbing the deck of the freighter. Sarcasm: My actuators are abuzz with excitement."
"It's called planning, HK," I returned, rolling my eyes. "Something we meatbags do to maximise our chance of success."
"Observation: I suppose you have to account for the frailties of your flesh. It must be rather depressing, to be at the whim of your own organic weaknesses. Suggestion: Shall we kill something to cheer you up, master?"
"I see you programmed him with no understanding of his own mortality," Yudan drawled, a faint touch of amusement in his voice. He'd been silent, until now, picking a clear path through the undergrowth as he kept pace with Zaalbar. "If you hadn't come to when you did, Revan, your droid would be no more than a heap of plasma-scored pieces left behind in the pyramid."
"Interjection: I was one step-"
"Carth," I said quietly, tuning out the sounds of HK's indignant invective. "The instructions had nothing to do with the Star Forge. Ask me when this is all over and I'll tell you. But for now let's keep our eye on the endgame, okay?"
Carth sighed as he ducked underneath a low-lying tangle of spindly branches. "I hate this," he muttered. "I feel like there's a thousand things I need to wrap my head around. But Bastila... Revan, are you absolutely certain about what you said earlier? That Bastila has turned on the Fleet?"
"Yes." There was so much more I could say. How Bastila had tempted me, laid the convincing groundwork for turning against everything Carth stood for. How she had made it sound the right decision. How I had turned it down.
I could win back Carth's trust. Part of me knew that. Say the right words, sink back into his arms, enjoy a brief moment of intimacy that would bolster the both of us. He wants to trust me. Despite everything.
I didn't know if it was self-denial or bitter resignation that held me silent. Carth and I would never work. Even with a Republic victory – and, dammit, I would see that come to fruition – I had no future in his world. My past actions had long since burned away any hope of that. Trying to forge a relationship between the two of us would do nothing but destroy a good man.
Malak had been a good man, once.
I stared forward blindly, barely registering how the vegetation thinned and the dry ground slowly transformed into soft sand. Moonlight glinted as we spilled out onto the darkened beach. The 'Hawk was a welcome shadow ahead of us. With a soft sigh, I lifted my gaze to the sky.
The indigo night was slowly lightening with the onset of dawn. Hanging low on the horizon, the spark of an artificial satellite winked at me. The Star Forge.
"Get Juhani inside," Jolee ordered, as we drew near the closest thing I had to a home.
The heavy thud of Zaalbar's footsteps upon the landing ramp was enough to bring Dustil and Mission scurrying out from underneath the freighter. Mission gasped, one hand flying to her mouth as she silently watched her oldest friend carry the unconscious Cathar inside. Blood-stained bactawraps did little to conceal the mangled condition of Juhani's leg.
"Bastila?" Mission turned to me, light eyes blinking back moisture. One hand shakily pushed back a pair of goggles high on her lekku. "Did you- did you find her? Was she there?"
Once more, I shook my head in silence.
"The repairs," Carth cut in, striding to the underbelly of the 'Hawk. "We need to get moving. Mission, come with me and translate for Teethree."
I watched Carth as he disappeared beneath the freighter, Mission and Dustil in tow. Jolee followed Zaalbar inside the 'Hawk, and I took the moment to order HK to stand by in the cargo bay.
For there was a conversation I wasn't going to let lie – not now I had the opportunity.
With a grimness that still edged into anger, I turned back around. Canderous was standing silently near the treeline, armoured limbs folded. But it was Yudan my eyes fixed upon.
He stared back at me, a remote statue of impassivity.
"You would have killed Jolee. Juhani." I felt my lips thin. The recollection of his 'saber lunging at Jolee replayed through my mind. And, back on the Leviathan, the Force as it swirled threateningly around his fist. As he speculated what killing Carth would do to me.
Even in the dim light of early-morning darkness, I could still make out the sharp yellow of Yudan's gaze as it held mine. Uncompromising and unapologetic. "The old man said it himself, Revan. You would have killed a lot more had you been swayed by Bastila Shan. Stepping back from the precipice had to be your decision, unencumbered by the bonds you hold to anyone else."
"Why?" The word wrenched from my lungs. "Dammit, Yudan, I can barely understand why Jolee was going to attack- why the frell would you have followed me to claim the Star Forge? And don't give me that line about Revan Freeflight being the one to master the Forge in the first place. You saw what happened last time!"
"Yes." The word was hissed out, and his expression tightened with blazing emotion that shattered his standard façade of detachment. His fists clenched tight at his sides, and I could feel his intensity as it spilled out onto the Force. "And if you had truly decided that was your path, then I would have followed you. Followed, and plunged my lightsaber into your back before you became Darth Revan again!"
The shock of Yudan's words slammed into me like a deluge of frost-choked sleet. A test. There was a lump in my throat I could barely swallow past. He was testing me. The bastard was testing me.
Like the flames of a hearth-fire blazing into existence, I felt my anger at him ignite once more. Again and again, he funnelled all his energy into measuring my actions, rather than thinking on anything else that was going on. Yudan Rosh didn't give a damn about Malak or Bastila or whether the galaxy was safe. No, all he cared about was ensuring Darth Revan stayed buried in the bitter cinders of history.
The Force flared. And I found myself submerged in a torrent of emotions directed at a spectre of my past that had more than enough reason to hate me.
The satisfaction as my fist landed hard into his face was most un-Jedi-like.
Yudan stumbled backwards, almost falling. I had the errant thought that maybe he'd let me have that blow; realizing that on some level, he deserved it-
He took one more step back. A bronzed hand raised to rub at the side of his face, but he made no move in retaliation.
I flexed my fist, still glaring, as my fury slowly ebbed. In the distance, I heard Canderous snort with amusement. He and Carth still sported identical shiners from their brawl earlier, and I really hoped I'd given Yudan one to match.
"Would you damn well figure out what side you're on," I growled through clenched teeth.
"I've already told you, Revan," Yudan said quietly. He didn't look angry. In fact – the bastard was always so damn hard to read – he almost looked gratified. "I'm on the side that Darth Revan is not."
Stars, he'd said those words so many times. Everything he'd done so far was to place himself in the best position to kill me should the worst happen. I understood his drive, but that didn't stop my resentment. Yudan was a chiv-blade lodged at my heart, ready to be thrown at the first misstep. One I wasn't sure I'd have the fortitude to dodge.
And I, just like everyone else, was fallible. Something I hadn't believed, once.
Everyone is fallible, a disapproving man's voice snapped in my head. An echo I'd heard before. Even you. Especially you.
"Except-" Yudan paused, staring at me, and his expression – just for a moment – softened. "I am starting to see that Darth Revan really was vanquished a year ago. And Revan Freeflight, whom I thought long buried, rose anew from the ashes."
With a tilt of the head, he turned and walked away from me.
The breath escaped my lungs in surprise. That was a redemption I didn't expect.
The image of a fallen friend flashed through my mind, lying charred and strangled on the Leviathan by my dark will alone.
A redemption I didn't deserve.
And yet… and yet, I couldn't deny how much it meant to me, to hear those words.
I glanced back to the 'Hawk, blinking. To my surprise, Jolee was standing at the top of the ramp, watching the scene in silence. And Carth... Carth had backed out from underneath the ship, arms folded, legs apart in a military stance, attention solely fixed on me. I had no idea what they'd overheard, but Carth's expression was inscrutable. I tensed, and immediately knew he'd be angling for a conversation I wasn't sure I wanted- I couldn't-
More to distract me from whatever Carth might be thinking, I turned to Jolee.
"Juhani?" I enquired in a low voice.
"She's stable, for now," the old man returned, slowly trudging down the ramp. "I came out to see how long before launch."
"Two hours, maybe less." Carth's reply was matter-of-fact. "Revan, much as your old general likes to hide away and sulk, I won't wait for him to wander back. We go as soon as we're able."
"Noted." I felt my eyelids droop briefly as I levelled out a sigh. "Jolee. Jolee, what were you thinking? Yudan would've killed you. I could've killed you. You'd already made your point- why throw your life away like that?"
The old man snorted. "You know, lass, sometimes you miss the obvious." Jolee rubbed absently at his fingernails, staring down at them as if hand-hygiene was the most important item on his to-do list. "It's all that flouncing about you do. And probably too many holo-vids. They rot your brain-"
"Jolee!" I snapped.
Jolee sighed, an annoyed sound like he was irritated at having to spell it out. "Maybe it's not the dying that's important, Revan. Maybe it's the way we die. What we choose to stand up for."
Well, that sounds suitably cryptic and unhelpful, I thought with mild irritation.
"What would your death have achieved, Jolee?" I stared hard at him, willing the old man to look up and face me. Slowly, he did, his expression shadowed with the heaviness of age. "How could it have done anything but cement me on a path you didn't wish me to choose in the first place?"
"Ach, you're looking at it from the wrong angle," he murmured, his voice gentling. There was a discernible emotion glimmering in his eyes, and I could see the old man was suddenly turning serious on me. "My wife fell, Revan. You know this. She was strong in the Force, my Nayama. So strong. But so ill-trained." He trailed off, turning his head to stare into the bleakness of nothing. "We fought, you know. Duelled, when it became clear neither of us could convince the other. In the end, I won, but I could not kill my own heart. So, like a love-struck idiot, I let her walk away."
I could feel a frown of confusion etching into my forehead. "You wish you'd killed her?"
The brief gust of a laugh escaped him. "No, young pup. I should have stood my ground. Forced her to cut me down on her way to Exar Kun. Oh, she longed for training, the ability to harness the Force that the Jedi denied her- despite offering it to her sister. Nayama... she didn't stand wholly in the darkness then. No, our duel tore her heart apart as much as it did mine."
Jolee slowly turned back to face me. His expression trembled with emotion he wasn't too proud to reveal. Love, for his lost wife, still shining brightly beneath a layer of soul-wrenching grief. "The journey to the Dark Side begins small, you know. Concessions, desires, lapses of judgment... all without reflection. Every day, I regret not forcing Nayama into a real, tangible choice. Every day I regret not making her face what the end of her journey would look like, before she became so twisted she no longer cared."
His voice, deep and gravelly with the sorrow of ages, felt like the only sound on the planet.
"She might have killed you," I whispered.
Jolee inclined his head, and the ghost of a wry smile touched his lips. "Aye, yes, she very well might have. In which case, nothing I would've said would have mattered anyway." He shrugged, and the rueful expression deepened. "But my life might have been enough to stop her. That's the curse that's been on me, since the day I let her walk away and join Exar Kun. And that's why I stood against you, young pup."
He paused, and I took the moment to weigh his words carefully. In some ways, Jolee represented to me the very embodiment of a seasoned Force master, bowed but not broken with the injustices of life. A man who knew himself, and accepted the disappointments and recriminations that self-reflection could bring – without letting it damage his own self-worth.
A master, but not a Jedi. Not a Jedi of this galaxy. The dangers of emotional attachment had burned the Jedi Order, hardening and blinding their ethos. I had no right and no place to judge the Order, but when it came to attachment... they are wrong. Jolee knows it, and so do I.
"Did she die, Jolee?"
"Ach, I have no idea." His hands lifted in a gesture of the unknown. "Exar was killed in battle. Nomi stripped Ulic of the Force and he disappeared. Nayama... I tried to find out. I tried. But the only Jedi who might've known..." he broke off with a half-hearted snort. "Well. Nomi refused to see me. Then, or any time since. She's dead now, and I'm left without answers. My wife... my wife was fairly infamous, by the time Exar was defeated, and yet there was no trace of her. Perhaps Nayama died an anonymous casualty of the war, or maybe she fled into exile. Eventually, I stopped looking. If Nayama had still lived, she would have known where to find me."
His last words trailed our conversation into silence. Jolee nodded at me, before turning to shoot Carth a knowing glance.
"I'll go check on Juhani," he said, shuffling back to the ramp. "Your friends are what give you strength, Revan. Don't forget that."
"Huh," Canderous muttered behind me. I'd almost forgotten the Mandalorian was still there. "It is true that Clan is strength. I'll give the old man that, even if he is a protein bar shy of a field-ration."
"I heard that!" Jolee hollered as the hatch closed behind him.
Canderous snorted. "Won't be long till we leave this rock. I'll go drag the brooding Twi'lek back." There was a knowing, almost sly tone in his next words. "Don't yap too long. We've got a ship to fix and a plan to discuss. And Mand'alor knows you two do seem to have the worst timing."
He chuckled under his breath as his footsteps thudded away.
Carth's gaze hadn't left me since I'd turned around. At some stage, he'd removed his visor. It would be morning, soon. I could see it in the dim light of near-dawn as it kissed his face.
"Carth-" I didn't know what to say to him. I didn't know what I wanted to hear. A stronger woman would've walked past, walked inside, or found the words to quench the glow of hope that shone in his face.
"Bastila tried to make you claim the Star Forge, didn't she?"
My head dipped in a silent nod.
"Why?" Carth whispered. "I'm trying to make sense of what went on up there, but I don't understand... you once predicted Malak would warp Bastila into turning against the Republic, but why would she now want you to- to-"
He seemed unable to finish the sentence.
"Malak showed her... he showed her what we found. Why we turned. Why we attacked the Republic, four years ago," I murmured, and felt my eyes close. "Bastila isn't loyal to Malak, Carth. She believes the right thing to do is for me... for us to reclaim the Star Forge. She is convinced it's the only way for the galaxy to prevail."
"That's why you were asking why you went to the Unknown- wait, Revan, do you remember any of it?" His voice edged into sharpness. "You can't- you can't think it's still out there? What- what is it?"
"I- I don't know." A creeping plague of death. A sentient spread of malaise. An evil hand guiding the Force, darker than any seen before. "I don't know how real it is... but it- it broke us. Mal and I. We- we meant to save the Republic." My own words cut deep into my heart. I felt the tears brim, and willed them back. "Instead, we did our damnedest to destroy it. Whatever we found in the Unknown Regions, Bastila believes in the truth of it. Just like I did, once. Fiercely enough to turn on everything I held dear."
"And now?" His voice ghosted to mine as he inched closer.
"I don't know. I don't know, Carth. But I do know claiming the Star Forge ends in only one way, and it's not a victory for the Republic or the galaxy. I think- I think I once believed the light wasn't strong enough... but what I understand now is the dark has only one master... and it's not the one who wields it."
"So. You've turned your back on it, then." His words were so low I could barely hear him. He stood close enough that I could almost feel the brush of his body against mine. "On your Dark Side. The Star Forge. Even on Bastila."
My shoulders slumped, and my eyes opened to stare blindly at the ground. "I'll get her back, Carth. If it's the last thing I do. I won't let her become something she despises."
His fingers burned as they touched my cheek. And I knew, then, that this was the moment to step back. To break away, from something precious and fleeting and golden... something that wouldn't stand the test of time or the consequences of my past – no matter how much we wished it would.
I stayed motionless.
"I stopped thinking of any sort of future years ago," Carth whispered, as his hand gently encircled my jaw. Tentatively, he raised my chin and my gaze slowly followed. "And now, it seems, I can barely think of anything else."
"You can't... you can't seriously forgive me, after all that I've done."
Carth's mouth curved in a gentle smile. "Believe it or not, I'm getting there. You're not who you once were, Revan. It's taken me awhile to see that, but I do. You can be... you can be so much more than your past. Whatever the Jedi did to you, however wrong they were, they gave you that chance, at least."
I blinked furiously. "I'm not some sort of redeemed paragon, Carth. The darkness- it still calls. I think it always will."
"That's why you need people who love you to stand by you, Revan. To remind you of what you have, right next to you. I-" A faint colour rose on his cheeks, but his gaze didn't waver from mine. "I want to give you a reason to stay true. To who you are, right here, right now."
There wasn't an answer to that. I knew, deep down, that the strength of will he was talking about came from within. But there was no denying how the bonds of friendship, of family, of love, could bolster that strength.
Nor could I refute how precious his words were, even if the promise of a future felt like a daydream's wisp that wouldn't stand against the harsh realities of life.
But still. The moment itself was worth treasuring.
"So," I murmured, feeling the corner of my mouth twitch. "Are you going to kiss me, or do I have to do all the legwork around here?"
Carth blinked, before both eyebrows rose in disbelief. "You're really something else, you know that?"
And he grinned, before lowering his lips to mine.
xXx
Author's Note:
Coming up next: Yudan receives an unexpected offer.
Reviews regenerate a fanfic author's HP. It's true!
A dancing Twi'lek troupe's worth of thanks to kosiah for the beta.
