Equanimity, Chapter 10

The day before Dawn called Misty, she had already been acting strange, May noticed it right away, but never found the chance to ask her. Her sudden departure made May think that it was more serious than May previously expected. However, since May started dating Drew, Dawn tended to avoid her in large intervals, like her mind was somewhere else. When they traveled together, Dawn insistently forced May to train their pokemon together, and more than that, she was literally planting herself between May and Drew at any chance she was given. Not intentionally, May thought, but she was still there—constantly. Then suddenly, she was gone. Off to Johto with no explanation.

May pestered her on many occasions if she was okay, but Dawn brushed her off each time with an "I'm great!". Maybe it was May's own insecurities that kept her asking, but she knew the blue-haired girl was lying.

Despite the immediate tragedy that was Dawn intruding on their relationship, and her personal dilemma, it had been weeks since May entered a competition, and she still had no intention of doing so. A part of May, even though she would never admit it, was a little jealous of Dawn's natural capabilities. The Sinnoh native captured the ribbons she needed for the Hoenn Grand Festival in two months—and May had exactly none. Nada. Zip.

Grimacing, she leaned back with her hands over her stomach, soaking in the last of the spring sun. It would be June soon, the start of summer, and in a few short months, they would be in fall—and off to Tracey's wedding. May gave herself until then to figure out what her issue with contests was, because a grand-tournament between the three largest contest regions: Hoenn, Sinnoh, and Johto started in winter, and she knew she wasn't ready to compete with the trainers there. Drew and Dawn would both be entering, top coordinators in their own rights, but May hadn't been close to victory in a contest since she was defeated at the Wallace Cup.

She lost left and right, messed up on little presentations, and her entire show was like getting hit repeatedly; awful. She took to the stage, and her mind froze.

A part of her, deep down in her stomach, hidden by copious amounts of determination and experience tried to argue with her fleeting mind—but May simply didn't want to do them anymore. The pull to contests had long lost their allure, and she was repeating areas she had already been to before. May wasn't seeing anything new in the world, and the largest reason May started her pokemon journey was to see the world, becoming a coordinator was just a cherry at the top that turned into the whole bowl of ice cream.

Still, who was she supposed to tell about this? Originally, she always had Max to talk to when times were tough. He was there to distract her, attend gym battles with, and a constant force to press forward to new regions; whether she would ever admit it or not, Max had learned more from Ash than anyone, and the young boy was following closely in his steps. On the other hand, May felt lost without her little brother. Sure, she worried over him, but the excuse to spend hours on the road became increasingly less once he left. Now, she was traveling city to city without much of a goal. Without Dawn now, they really didn't have a reason to leave the city because Drew was already a top-coordinator of Johto region. His time spent in Hoenn was for developing strategy, and the duo spent more time discussing appeal strategy and coordination than May did.

Frankly, it was becoming too much. May had no time to explore, and her spare time was spent rehearsing battles, training, contemplating strategies and outfits; she and her pokemon were both tired.

May sat up to stare into the distance at Drew who was coaching his rosellia on a technique for its petal dance. May drew her lips into a line—no, what really bothered her, was that Drew didn't seem to notice or care that May was losing interest in the coordinator scene.

How was he supposed to though? That's how they connected in the first place.

"Earth to May?" Drew waved his hand in front of her face, and she blinked once, and then again when she finally looked at him with wide eyes. She had been so lost in her own thoughts that she didn't realize that he approached.

"Oh, sorry." She mumbled, sitting up. Drew took a seat beside her, staring at the forest ahead of them. They were on the outskirts of town, sitting in silence until May tilted her head to one side, and draped one knee over the other.

"How long have we been doing contests?" May asked suddenly, glancing over at the young man with green hair; his arms were crossed over his chest thoughtfully and he hummed.

"I've been doing this for eight years." He looked at May and raised an eyebrow. "I think you've only been here for six."

"Almost seven." May corrected, holding up her index finger. "And Dawn's only been attempting for six and she's already beaten me and gotten closer to her goal of being a top-coordinator," May said with a slight frown.

"You can't compare yourself to Dawn," Drew mumbled under his breath as if this wasn't the millionth time he heard this from May since her defeat a few years ago.

"I know." May sighed and then sat forward, squinting her eyes. "I wonder what Max is up to, you know?" She grinned. "I worry about him out there in Kalos on his own!"

Drew froze for a minute, watching her with a worried expression before sighing. She always changed the subject when serious topics came up.

"He's not on his own, he has several companions with him," Drew assured her, scooting slightly closer to the brunette as she tapped her fingers against her cheek.

"You know what I mean! Without his big sister." She corrected, "We've been together since the start of our journeys!" She exclaimed, suddenly full of vigor as she glanced at Drew. "I hope he's doing okay." her shoulders dropped, and nonchalantly Drew's arm found perch on them while she expressed her growing concerns about Max.

Physical contact was never weird for them, in fact, May was growing used to how often Drew touched her, especially in public. The latter took some adjusting because she still did not like it when he would try to hold her hand, or arm, or waist, or really touch her at all in public. Private, intimate moments were nice, but she got flustered anywhere else. She grinned.

"He always suffered from foot-in-mouth syndrome, you know? I wonder if he's making an ass out of himself in Kalos...?" May grinned while Drew rolled his eyes.

"I'm sure he's fine. He's not a kid anymore." Drew paused for effect and shook May gently. "He can take care of himself... now can you?" He mocked, his eyebrow lifting behind his bangs.

May pursed her lips and glared at him. "Of course I can." She mused and then turned thoughtfully to face him.

Unexpectedly, his face had drawn only inches from hers, his mouth ajar as his other hand found its way to her thigh, and then moved up to her waist when he closed the space between them. Her face turned scarlet from the sudden act, shuddering like a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar. It wasn't that she was nervous it was simply a new sensation, an odd one. She wasn't used to it yet. He pulled apart before she had time to return his affections, and he winced at the near-rejection she had unintentionally bestowed upon him. Beautiflies filled her stomach, and she sighed blissfully.

"Your mind is somewhere else, sorry." he offered while she shook her head and leaned back into him.

"It's fine," she mumbled, kissing him before he could reply.

XOXs

May might have thought that Drew didn't understand her frustrations, but he saw it in the way she spoke, the way she trained, and the serious lack of preparation as they traveled. He observed and guessed that it was something akin to a mid-life crisis, only May was reaching it now, and was rapidly decreasing in momentum each day.

For example, her chipper, optimistic demeanor had slowly faded since they left Pallet Town some six weeks ago. She had grown more anxious and short-tempered, and a part of him wondered if it was contests, him, Dawn, or the change in group dynamics since Max left. The first few weeks had been... a blur because they started dating, but already it seemed like she was off in her own world again.

Drew sighed lightly, approaching her with his hands in his pockets while she paced the floor of the shared pokemon center bedroom. Once again, the sun melted behind the horizon hours ago, and yet May refused to rest. Now that the day was over, she was concerned for Dawn.

"Do you think we should be worried? Do you think we should have asked her why she was going?" May asked, looking out the window, and to the street. Drew pursed his lips and shook his head while collapsing onto his bed. He snatched the magazine from the nightstand, some coordinator weekly, and sighed. May took a seat beside him and scrunched up her nose.

"Doubtfully. She probably just needed new scenery..." Drew offered in short reply, but the insinuation only ruffled May's short temper.

"But she's been all over the place since she started traveling with us, Drew!" She snapped, looking over at him with a snarl. With wide, lime green eyes he looked at her and blinked several times until her frustration simmered down, and she threw herself beside him on the bed and folded her arms over her forehead. Not one did Dawn bring her own issues, it bled into Drew and May's as well.

A long pause followed, where Drew hadn't taken his eyes off of May.

"...Can we talk about this?" He asked suddenly, watching her uncover her blue eyes and look up at him. She blinked a few times and then shuffled to sit up once more.

"Talk about what?" she sighed.

Drew thought for a few moments, trying to collect the proper words to express his emotions without offending the brunette. He inhaled.

"About your sudden irritability?"

"I'm not irritable!" She hissed quietly, curling her knees to her chest. Drew gestured to her for example, also sitting up.

"May," He tried. "I've been trying to give you space to figure this out on your own, but if there's something I can do to help-"

"I don't want to do contests anymore." She expressed blatantly, followed by a long, revealed sigh having finally gotten it off her chest. Drew blinked and then pressed his shoulder against hers.

"That's it?" He asked, trying to pummel his mocking tone. "That's what's been bothering you?"

May snapped her eyes at him, glaring nonstop when he grinned and pressed his index finger against her jaw to move her face sideways where he planted a sincere kiss.

"Drew, it's a big deal! This has been my whole life until now!" She cried kicking her feet over the edge of the bed and shrugging off his kind advances. Drew followed her slowly.

"But it seems like no matter what I do, I take three steps back each time I take a step forward!" She exclaimed throwing up her hands and then fell backward on the bed to cover her face. She couldn't place in words what was wrong with her, and Drew inhaled briefly.

"Why don't we enter one together?" He offered, watching her lower her hands to look up at him.

"Drew, you're a top coordinator, you're not-"

"I'm allowed to enter any contests I want in Hoenn." He cut her off, pulling her forward gently. "What better way to get you back onto your feet...?" He asked while shaking her gently.

Against her will, she found herself smiling. "That's not the point..." She muttered while looking up at him. Drew shrugged in response.

"I know it's not." He offered, "but, if you're going to drop out of contests, you should at least give it one more shot, right?"

May sucked in air, and then closed her eyes with a curt nod.

"Now, can we get to sleep?" He asked while shifting back onto his corner of the bed. May looked back at him, and then back to the door.

"But what about Dawn? We should-" May inquired, eyebrows knit cutely while Drew tossed the magazine he had been reading off to the side of the bed, and clicked the light off.

"She can take care of herself, I'm sure." He mumbled, snagging May by her waist and dragging her down to the bed beside him. She scrunched up her nose at his antics and then curled under the sheets compliantly.

May couldn't argue, Dawn was perfectly capable of managing on her own, but something in her stomach just didn't sit right tonight. Maybe she felt as if she was imposing too much and that's why she left? May hoped her bitter mood didn't force Dawn to believe she had to leave. Groaning under her breath, Drew shifted and nestled his head beside hers and blew on her ear.

"Penny for your thoughts?" He asked, and in that brief moment, a part of May hated how perceptive he was of her feelings. Pieces of her knew that Ash would have never been so perceptive. But she felt guilty for even comparing the two.

In fact, she felt guilty for even having a relationship that controlled so much of her life. It was terrifying knowing that the decisions she made would now affect not only herself but also Drew. A little under two months ago, she almost ruined them completely when she tried to figure out her feelings for Ash by kissing him—and now... A part of her worried that the same thing would happen with contests. Already in the last few weeks, it seemed that the honeymoon phase of their relationship had ended; coming from a high of spending long nights of exploration; to snuggling in bed like an old, married couple. Drew was insanely proper, and sweet, and romantic; a bit of a dork on many occasions, but she still liked him. In return, May was really fidgety and uncomfortable with touching. Contrary to popular belief—and she knew Dawn thought it—they hadn't gone past second base; primarily because May would get scared and Drew was... well Drew was perfect. And she was a mess.

May sighed.

"Drew?" She asked through the darkness.

"Hmm?" He mumbled, half-asleep.

"Would you still like me if I wasn't a coordinator?" She asked the near-sleeping man beside her.

"Of course." He breathed into her neck, though she wasn't so sure he was sincere as he patted her stomach gently. "Go to sleep, May. You're thinking too much." He slurred his words while she turned over quietly, kicking the blankets over her feet, not feeling any better.

If she wasn't a coordinator, what was she supposed to be?

Author's Note: edited 2020-01-01

I can be so disorganized somedays. I had a heck of a time figuring out where I stopped editing. I think I already did this chapter, but I'm doing it again apparently.

Every time I wrote this chapter initially, I originally had it set up where Drew really didn't notice that something was wrong with May, but that is one of the greatest charms of contestshipping, Drew is very perceptive of May's emotions, even if she doesn't think that he is. So, in the end, it turned into bit of a fluffy chapter.

EVERYONE IS HAVING MIDLIFE CRISES OMFG.