-CHAPTER SEVEN-
GIVING THANKS
Tuesday 13th October 2009, Continued…
ANASTASIA
"NO JUST KIDDING, IT'S STILL BLANK," Kate laughed.
I pushed her so hard that she lost her balance and landed on her ass.
"Oh for fuck sakes Kate, just don't! Don't joke with me. I can't, can't fffuck-ing handdd-le it," all breathy and partly stuttering as I was lucky to get these words out.
My tears were only being held by the smallest of margins and Kate makes a joke. I don't understand how she can see this as a humorous. Feeling my anxiety building, my chest carrying a heavy weight, I need to know the result soon before I have a seizure. I can see it, a mental breakdown at 19, mid life crisis at 35 and death at 50.
Oh God!
Trying to control my breathing and counting down from twenty, I faced my palms towards my puffy face. Looking closely, I could see and feel the stress forming into small beads on my hands.
Please be negative, please be negative.
Moving into a similar position Kate had only done minutes before, I examined the tests by peaking my eyes over the bathroom counter and gripping it with my dear life. Giving the odd glare at Kate to back off, ensuring she gives me my needed space.
My heart pumped faster as the suspense grew. A grimace formed on my face as the lines, crosses, and circles made their appearance:
1: Negative – Thank fuck!
2: Negative – well that's even better.
3: Negative – the odds are going well.
4: Negative – this is easy why was I even worried.
5: Negative – what a piece of cake.
6: Negative – I've got this in the bag.
7: no result – shit, ok. I'm actually thankful Kate bought a few now.
8: Negative – Oh god I was worried for a second.
9: no result – this is really bad, two faulty so far.
10: negative – I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
11: negative – Awesome only one to go! I can do this!
12: positive – FUUUUUCK!
Glaring at the twelfth test, balanced it in my right hand. If I squinted I could only just see the faint second line.
Trying to rationalize what I was seeing in my hand I started to over analyze as normal - the number twelve.
"Fucking twelve," I scowled at the test.
To most people twelve is insignificant. You may know there are 12 months in a year, also time is measured in groups of 12 or even 12 signs of the Zodiac. But my mother's calming voice plays in my head over and over again.
"See this Annie, the hanged man, card XII in the deck of tarot. It can be either interpreted as a symbol of self-sacrifice or in reverse selfishness. Choose your path wisely sweet girl."
Why did Mom need to be a hippy free spirit and drill this into me. Become a mother or continue with my plans.
I don't know, Fuck!
I kept studying the test over and over.
"It's faint, that's ok right?" My voice shook. I'm so worried, I don't know what to do.
Kate looked at me with disbelief, "I'll book my OBGYN for you ok," and she tries to comfort me by rubbing the crook of my neck.
"It's faint. It's ok. Please, please tell me it's ok…" I couldn't hold it in and I started to sob.
Squinting at the test, with a skeptical attitude I truly believe it's a false positive. It's faint. The blue cross formed after the allocated time frame.
"Fuck," my breath hitched and I grabbed Kate, "it's positive," I whispered into her blonde curls.
"Yes honey," she stroked my messy hair.
There is no getting around it. I'm pretty sure a positive means a positive.
FUCK!
I knew no matter how many times Kate voice repeated that "it's going to be ok" and rub different parts of my body that nothing will change, I'm pregnant.
With reality setting in, nodding my head seemed the easiest thing to do and let the tear burn my skin. I've fucked up, big time.
"It's ok Ana, the majority of them were negative," she calmly spoke.
"But, some were ineffective, so the odds are against me," I couldn't stop bawling.
Laying in an uncomfortable position on the bathroom floor, hugging my bath mat and in my right hand never loosening my grip on the test. I can feel the tears aren't going to stop but I need to move, I need to do something.
"I'm going to have a shower, and probably eat my weight in chocolate," sniffling as I spoke.
"Honey don't shut down, remember when you only got a B for a paper?"
Not wanting to remember that result I'm still pissed with my professor. It made me depressed since I put so much thought and structure behind that paper, it deserved an A not a B. I couldn't help myself and turn to comfort food, my favorite form.
"You were mute for a week Ana and ate three pounds of cheese. I'm sure it will be ok. You will be ok. I know. Everything will be fine, I can feel it in me waters," shaking her hands.
Really feeling it in her waters, I knew exactly what she was trying to do. It wasn't working.
Shaking my head back and forth, "I think this situation is a slightly different Kate," aggressively pointing my test in her face.
"Geez Ana, your pee is on this, don't shove it in my face. Get it the fuck away from me," as she started to gag.
The sound of Kate gagging set me off and I rushed towards the porcelain bowl. Dry heaving, my ribs were throbbing, the tears and mucus started to pour from my facial orifices.
"Just breathe Ana, it's ok," she started to rub my back again.
It wasn't helping.
"Oh God, what have I done," crying into the bowl.
…..
TIME GREW TO A HALT for the remainder of the day. Every time I checked, my clock had only ticked passed a few minutes but it seemed like hours. My brain was over thinking and it was only a matter of time before it exploded. A baby. What's going to happen, other than the obvious it being born sometime in June? I'm fucked even with a faint positive. A positive is a positive you can't be sort of pregnant. You either are or not and I am.
Needing a new approach, I evaluate my plans, and my life. Should I self-sacrifice or become selfish? Medical School, is there even a possibility now? Now I should still be able to graduate in May. I'm 19 and going to be a mother, I'm going to be a Mom. What am I going to do? How am I going to do this?
Shit I'm rambling.
Lying wrapped in the security of my cozy bed eating, well probably more inhaling a combination of dark and milk chocolate, I reached for my tattered copy of Tess.
Reading is my safe haven, by accident the book fell from my hands and tumbled to the floor. Seeing Tess of the D'Urbervilles on the carpet, memories flooded back from that night with C's leather bound book.
…
26th September 2009
"Tess? I wouldn't have guessed." I said stroking his leather bound cover.
The smell of leather is so masculine and strong. It's interesting, I don't see this as a popular or even a known novel for a male. I wonder if flirting works, I have no idea what I'm doing. This will be fun though; maybe we can kiss a little more.
I think I need another drink.
"My, well… oh, and…" C panted trying to keep it together. He took a deep breath and composed himself, "my… my mother gave it to me."
Whoa, what's wrong with him? He can't even string a sentence. Slowly turning the pages, smelling the fibrous old paper, I need to find the perfect page. Fingers crossed I can keep it together.
"Bingo! I found it…" I sang out rather impressed with myself.
Hi five! Good job Ana. Now don't slur your speech.
"…She had an attribute which amounted to a disadvantage just now; and it was this that caused Alec D'Urberville's eyes to rivet themselves upon her. It was a luxuriance of aspect, a fullness of growth, which made her appear more of a woman than she really was. She had inherited the feature from her mother without the quality it denoted.…" I think I'm almost blushing and some how I don't know how I'm keeping it together.
"Oh I don't care about Alec, or the reference to Tess and her… assets. But I know I want to worship you," he pointed, "All. Night. Long." C finished with a gorgeous smile and his eyes, they are soooooo delectable.
"Oh," I said, as the heat rushed through my veins.
"You seem to be a little warm," He pointed to my forehead.
Laying on my back and lifting my knees towards the ceiling, I froze. Shit I've got a dress on, why did I forget I have a very short dress on. Keep calm Ana just pretend to read.
This dress is so uncomfortable I need to wiggle a little. Fuck! Why did I open my legs? Oh God he's going to think I'm some kind of cheap whore.
"Mmm, so fucking hot, my Pixie." He thinks I'm sexy and he's groaning.
Maybe it's ok, this is nice, he's not jumping me. I can't even put two words together. Is it getting a little warm in here? So I need to keep my cool and what best way but smiled and pretend to read. Maybe he will come over. I need more Vodka.
Feeling his bed dip, he slowly crawled towards me. I have to put this book down, I need to see him NOW!
Shit!
The book is gone. Chill Ana, be cool it's perfectly fine. It was probably an heirloom or something; it was a second edition and fucking leather and you dropped it on the fucking floor!
Be cool, "Oops," fuck! I couldn't hold in the laughter as my hands weren't helping as air was escaping either side of my mouth.
Drunk I am. Fuck. I am drunk! Shit!
"Ahhh, my naughty Pixie," he waved his index finger at me. It's so hypnotic.
As soon as his hands touched my legs and his fingers slowly brushed my ankle crawling to my knee, I couldn't help it as my breath caught at the back of my throat. The only thing that came to mind was to bite my bottom lip. Oh my God, touch me higher please C.
I was gone.
Suddenly we both gazed at each other and I knew this was going to be hard and fast.
…..
FUCK! WAKING UP from the drunken memories, I quickly picked up my tatted soft covered book at the door. I couldn't help but scream.
Trying to calm myself from the bittersweet memory I began rubbing my flat belly. I need to embrace this, it's real! It's fucking real. I started to talk to it, my belly, the unknown.
"See little guy – your daddy, I only know him as C. I may have only spent one night with him but it was an amazing night, I really do thank him. He was gorgeous, his dark hair, the curls. He would tip his head to the left and a single curl would hang on his forehead. C had these mesmerizing grey eyes, they were truly beautiful. He could play the piano exquisitely and his hands were strong and soft at the same time. I miss him little guy. I really do."
…..
Wednesday 14th October 2009
STRETCHING MY ACHY BODY to the morning sun, I could feel in the pit of my stomach that something wasn't right.
Fuck these cramps and back ache. I need chocolate!
Crawling to the bathroom, I noticed when I sat down on the toilet I had red staining on my panties. There was no way that this was spotting, as I wiped I realized either I had lost my little guy or there was no little guy to start with.
Placing my two hands together in a prayer I whispered "thank you, thank you," but deep down I knew the only part of C I may have had left was gone.
I miss him. I really do miss C.
Needing to focus, I peeled off my sleepwear and turned the faucet to hot. Having the feeling I've melted all my worries away, I changed back into C's sweatshirt and put on a new pair of pajamas pants. I couldn't help myself but drag my heavy feet towards Kate's room, getting under the covers with my best friend.
I sighed, "well my period started," and I continued to snuggle into Kate that little more.
"That's a good thing, right? Ana are you feeling ok, do you want me to cancel the OB?"
"Yeah cancel. It's definitely my period, it's not too heavy, but I'm cramping a lot, I guess because it's just starting. Maybe it was just stress, a false positive?"
"Are you ok? Like really? Do you want me to get another test just to make sure?" Her voice grew higher in pitch with each question asked.
"No and no. It's done."
"Oh come here," she said with open arms.
We held each other, but I felt miserable, "Kate."
"Hmm," she hummed enjoying our warmth.
"I need to buy condoms," I spoke into her chest. Of course Kate could only laugh at the situation. "I need to have one or two on me at all times," Kate quickly sat up in bed and stared at me. "What Kate?"
What's the matter now?
"One or two," she emphasized using quotation marks with her index fingers.
"Yes. I'm not going to spread my legs anytime soon ok," Kate started laughing again.
"Really? Well I need a box in each pocket, God you make sex to be this big bad thing. Have you thought of the pill?"
Shaking my head, silent from Kate's revelation, I know there is no way I'm going on some kind of hormone contraceptive, not after what happened to Mom.
"Oooo-kay, too forgetful are we?" she winked, "really Ana, you could take it easily without forgetting."
"No, I can't, not after Mom and her breast cancer. I'm just too scared, please don't push it," a small tear fell.
"Why didn't you tell me? How is she now?"
"I didn't need to tell you, because there is nothing to tell," lowering my head, "How is she? We all know she's no longer in pain," Kate gasped at my words, instantly covering her mouth understanding completely she's no longer in pain.
"Honey, come here." We were wrapped around one another, "You can have as many condoms you want," She wiped my tears and held me tight.
"I've worked out what I want to do… you know after I graduate,"
Kate let out a little giggle, "really, I'm still trying to work out what to do next semester."
"This was a wake up call," I made a circle around my abdomen, "I don't need any distractions. I need to stay focus, so Medical School is the best option," nodding at Kate. I was actually excited I have made the plans, "I want to make a difference and help people. So I need to chan—" Kate suddenly interrupted me.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Medical school, since when?"
"For a while but I couldn't decide between Medicine, Law, or a PhD in Literature. I need to change a few classes next semester so I can apply."
"You want to help people? I tell you how you could help people, by like umm…" Watching Kate think was painful, I could see each cog and chain clicking and clunking in that head of hers. "You know. You could like be a teacher, or a sexy librarian? There are lots of books involved, and you like books right," she smiled.
"No, I can do this. Do you even know I can graduate next May? I can study for the MCATS. I want to do this for me, and no hurdles Kate."
"Well, are you going to let Ray know, or surprise him as always?" Shit I never thought of Ray.
"Where do you want to study, here at Harvard? Or do I need to organize a new room mate?"
"Oh Kate," Trying to brush off the conversation, "enough about me. You still have a year and a half til graduating, have you made any plans?"
"Honestly I don't know, probably get an internship with Dad in Seattle, if Elliot and I are still dating it would be great, but that's so far away. Shit if you left who would live with me. I need someone to cook for me," Kate genuinely looked upset.
"Don't' give me that look. I'll never stop cooking for you, can Elliot cook?"
"Better than me," the wink she left me said it all.
Looking at Kate, I'm happy the last three weeks of pain have finally dissipated. I can finally see my goals; but I do wish C could be a part of these. I guess these feelings are just normal. I need to shake him off and move on.
Taking a deep breath, I know Kate is going to flip out, well in a crazy person kind of way, "I'm going,"
"Where? You are leaving me? You lying bitch," Kate slapped my arm.
"Ouch! What was that for?" wincing at the sting on my arm. "Seriously! Kate I'm coming to Seattle with you, you know that ball thingy, but strict instructions, no date. That's final. I'm thinking I might catch up with Ray for the holiday, I miss him too much."
"Well I guess I'm going to meet the parents," and Kate used her finger quotation marks again. Her whole demeanor changed from a slight worry to over excited toddler, "that's it, we need to find dresses! I love you Ana!" with that she gave me a big kiss on the lips.
Whoa, cherry flavor.
A/N:
Thank you for reading the new reworked/beta-ed "Misplaced & Found." If you haven't already done so, please favourite, follow, review and PM me regarding any M&F questions or concerns. See you soon for chapter 08. (Tomorrow Freed for me!)
missmusicteach
