Equanimity Chapter 21
Misty couldn't breath, with every match, her body felt more tired than it was the last time; with every chirp from pikachu, and every jolt from Ash beside her—she nearly crumbled. Her resolve was faltering, and her entire being wanted to be enveloped in the black hole known as Ash Ketchum.
It was so easy to forget everything when he was so close to her. Ash made it difficult to keep her thoughts to herself, to keep her mouth shut and feelings in check. It was like playing her teenage years on repeat. Time away led to time of growth. Growth led to happiness, but then the moment he stepped into her life again, it was the plague—pincers eating maple trees, bugs harvesting her soul; uprooting her branches and watching her crumble right into his arms.
It was so easy to be weak around Ash.
He would catch her when she would fall, smile when she needed confidence, gloat when she needed frustration, and protect when she needed independence. These were the stubborn games they played, the I'll break you down, then build you up again game that played mental warfare.
Had May not left when she did, Misty was already planning a very long trip to the lavatory—she couldn't think in her own head with him breathing so close to her! Had it always been this way? She didn't remember it being so hard to function after.
...after the decision. Not like she had ever made a decision like this before in her life. She never had to cut anyone off before, insist that they take a break—but what choice did they have at this point, honestly?
Ash wasn't himself, she wasn't herself, they were a walking conundrum of emotions, constantly flinging in every direction and damaging their careers, and their images, and, well, everything. It didn't stop her from feeling sick, though.
"Oh man, I shouldn't have come here." Misty whined through a shaking voice, running her hands through her red hair while leaning over the porcelain sink. It was cold under her heated skin and her face was flushed. Still running off an adrenaline high that decorated her entire being, she unzipped her vest for air in her constricted lungs.
Attending a tournament wasn't a good idea—especially not a tournament that he was hosting, one that was actually damn good idea, but she could never vice that; instead, she came off like the terrorizing mom monster. Then! Opening up with an ominous reply wasn't a good idea. What was she thinking?
That's right, she wasn't thinking. This was a big moment for Ash, not necessarily one he informed her about, but a big moment nonetheless! No sort of slipped out without her knowing, that brand, fat no that fell from her lips when she saw the gleam in his brown eyes. She had to stop the momentum of their actions, they always seemed to make up time and again, and she still wasn't sure that she wanted to. Ash knew something was up, he was clearly distracted and that wasn't helping the situation. She didn't want him to be distracted! The way his body leaned and crooned and focused on the match without any of the characteristic joy—and she did this to him! And what for? Because she was uneasy—how difficult would it have been to admit she wasn't okay.
Never! Misty Waterflower was always okay! In fact, she was better than okay, she was great—and she had been since she was fourteen! She didn't...
"...Fuck!" Misty threw her hands up, swearing her conscious away and flicking open the door. The hallway was empty aside from a few trainers at the end of the hall grabbing some snacks from a machine—they were no older than thirteen, a boy and girl. If Misty recognized them from the line-up she hardly remembered, they were participating in the tournament today.
They were also rivals.
And maybe lovers, if the way the girls eyes lingered on his back when he went to walk ahead of her was any indication. Or, she wanted to be, and he was oblivious.
Misty tore her gaze away and flicked frustrating hands through braided hair, successfully removing the last of her twists. Her hair was just long enough to brush the tops of her shoulder. It would be past her shoulders in time for the wedding—which meant she was at the mercy of her sisters hair dresser.
Groaning, she stumbled down the hall to any source of air. She couldn't breath here. Thousands of miles away from home and she was still thinking about the wedding; still thinking about the gym, still frantic over her reputation.
What she would give for the simplicity of a ten year old again!
Crap, she thought in turn to the rapid beat of her heart, she was panicking. In the middle of no where—she had to calm down. In her best attempt to sooth the raging drum, she spun through a corridor, and down a few steps, and then loosely stumbled into the emergency exit, which was cracked. Voices blared in.
"Max, I'm telling you, everyone loses sometimes!" May called after Max, who from Misty's hearing was more than likely kicking some form of metal compartment—a metal trash bin, more than likely.
"C'mon, you're over reacting!" May sounded desperate, and having walked into the midst of what she believed was a sibling spitting match, Misty stopped at the door and peered outside to see Max who had tears in his eyes and frazzled hair. No one else was around.
"Over reacting? May, I could have, should have won!"
"That's not true! You had the type disadvantage!"
"I had the experience! You didn't see Ash losing matches like that! Or Drew—or you!"
"Yeah, but you aren't us!"
"Clearly!" Max snapped, throwing his hands up and spinning until he fell to the ground and Misty flinched at the scene.
"I don't know what you want from me, Max." May breathed. "You invited me here to what? Make me feel bad for you? Make me feel bad? I can't make you do anything-you have to let me help."
"I know!" he whined, banging the back of his head on the metal bin behind him. Misty almost couldn't recognize him without his glasses on. "But, it's just... Why does everything work out for you!"
"What?" May gasped. "Nothing has been-"
"Bullshit!" Max shouted, sitting forward with his hands on his knees. "You concocted whatever illness you have in your own mind, but you have all the power. You have a blaziken, and a venusaur—not to mention glaceon and mudkip! You're a beast!" He inhaled. "And I'm not. I'm just perpetually stuck in your shadow."
"So why did you invite me here, huh?" May finally snapped, unable to withstand the pitiful display.
"I don't know!" Max shouted glaring up at her and Misty moved instinctively to interfere the scene before it got ugly. Ash mentioned that they had been fighting, but she assumed that it was nothing more than siblings bickering at one another! Before Misty could tumble in, May jerked around the small alley and threw her arms up.
"You think it's easy? Max, I don't know what in the world I want anymore! For years it's been chasing after my rivals—wanting some title that a million other girls want in the world and you think that's easy!?"
"Well it's easier than me! I can't even leave to find a successful group like you! Everyone just-" shocked by his words, he launched himself backwards, looked away, and chomped onto the inside of his cheek.
May wilted. "Is this about everyone leaving?"
Max didn't answer, and from her hiding corner, Misty tilted around the door to watch as May approached her brother, and took a seat beside him quietly.
"It's not just about that."
"I think you have some kind of inferiority complex, Max." May mumbled with a careful eye roll, a look Misty was familiar with, because it was the same approach Daisy took with her.
"I just.. I just want my own adventures, you know? Friends like Ash and Brock again—but, people don't really warm up to me, and outside of my pokemon I'm just..."
"Max." May whined, shaking him with her shoulder. "You're over reacting!"
"I could say the same to you." He puffed his cheeks out.
"But I know I am." May smiled. "And I also know that sometimes we don't get easy answers for big problems. They take a lot of work, and that includes this long journey called life—you don't need to figure everything out right now. We'll have ups, and downs and sometimes it will feel like life is drowning us and..." May cleared her throat. "Least that's what mom told me. We just have to keep trying."
Misty's eyes raced to May, who looked apologetically at Max, patting his shoulder gently. A long pause followed before Max shuffled his hands to his side, and started to clean his glasses.
"This was supposed to be my big break—I was supposed to be some amazing battler when I came here and I blew it. Bonnie's way better than me."
"You don't have to be the best. Plus so what, Bonnie had talent, just means that oyu have to work twice has hard."
Max shot her a gaze while flicking his glasses on.
"Really?"
"Really. Hey, you don't even have to battle pokemon, if you don't want to. There's a ton of other options out there."
"May that's..."
"What I'm saying is, you're never going to get better if you just sit around and expect to be better. You, me, Ash, Misty-people like us—we have to work for it. We're not talented like Dawn, or Gary, or Drew and Bonnie, we're...hard workers." May twisted and Misty felt her heart swell from the depths of her chest while she spun away to breath.
Who ever thought that May would have such wise words—introspect that Misty often forgot, but she did know all of this—maybe even shared it every so often. The hard road ahead of them, the work that went into it, nothing was different for her and Ash. Breaking up was the cowards way out, easy—but it would crush them both before they healed again. Misty's back hit the metal wall beside the door, winded by herthoughts while she grasped at the zipper of her shirt, and stared on into the darkness of her frustration.
Ash worked hard for this, and she had done little more than guilt him into submission. Ash worked just as hard as she did, or maybe twice as hard and she paid him back with insults; and rude comments.
What in the world was she becoming?
"Anyways, Max, we better get back! Bonnie will never forgive us if we miss her match!" May shouted while collecting her brother and dragging him back to the ajar door, where Misty was still patiently waiting.
Suddenly ashamed by her self-accusation, she turned and retreated into the part of the hallway hidden away from the duo while they raced back to the stands, unaware of her presence. This wasn't getting any easier.
She expected, and maybe she hoped just a little, that Ash would be upset with her. She hoped he would act on his frustrations, and he deserved to. Misty wasn't helping their relationship at this point, if anything, she could feel the thin threads of their friendship breaking with every new, fully loaded and backhanded argument.
"-Shh!" A hissing from down the hall startled her from her thoughts, breaking the trance she was in while she hoped to her feet and looked down the dark entrance.
"Hello?" She asked, listening to the muffled voices of a faint argument in the distance, and she looked behind her before stepping past the staff only sticker.
XOX
"Hey, we're back. Did we miss Bonnie's match?" May asked while Max took the empty seat to her left, and her voice drew Ash's attention from the match, or his mind. She wasn't sure which anymore with the way his knee bounced up and down anxiously—to the point pikachu was sitting on Misty's seat rather than his lap. Bonnie was battling now, and winning. Max tried to smother the contempt on his face with a crossing of his arms.
"Welcome back, you did great out there, Max." Ash offered his two cents quickly, but Max offered a slow nod and chuckle.
"It's okay Ash. I know I messed up... a little."
Ash's brows clearly crinkled. "Well, I still think you did okay. You'll get it next time."
"Thanks."
"Who cares, we all win and lose some matches! Let's eat!" May huffed, flagging down a rather tired and disgruntled looking caterer at the bottom of the steps. Ash made a mental note to leave a large tip when they left when his gaze fell around, watching for red hair.
"Where's Misty?"
"Hmm?" May asked, crooning over the red pepper nachos she dubbed her new favorite piece of Kalos battling.
"We didn't see her, why, what's up?" Max asked while a framed expression of disgust flashed through his eyes when May dipped her finger into her messy chips.
"Maybe she got lost, it's kind of a mess in there." May whispered with a faint nod, knowing well enough that Misty could take care of herself—so she wasn't worried. Besides, Ash hadn't implied that they were still having issues. He originally wanted to save her, and more than likely himself the heartache of her rejection when she didn't come to Kalos this weekend...
But then she came.
And things still weren't okay.
Whatever, he wouldn't worry about it.
"Dedenne, use quick attack!" Bonnie, who was the defendant, like Max, had the type disadvantage in the match, but was owning up to the challenge like most people would have expected her too—whispers of a new prodigy made way through the crowd, accumulating her success to traveling with Ash for a full year.
Yeah, because he was a greeeat example. He put the thought out of his head, and focused on the techniques in the match; since it was the closest he had been to a battle in weeks that wasn't behind closed doors. Misty was still gone.
What if Misty left?
"And she comes back in the lead!" The announcer projected gleefully as dendenne pounce up, then over a rather unpleasant rock slide. Ash's eyes darted to the small entrance tunnel then back to Bonnie.
Maybe she freaked out and flaked after all? Misty was a runner when she was upset, after all, if their experiences together taught him anything. His knee bobbed once more. Growing more anxious by the second..
"No! Sudowoodo get up!" The male challenger shouted to his pokemon after a successful landing of sprayed water, thanks to the clicking paws of the small dedenne. Bonnie snapped her fingers, and raised her hand to call for the finishing blow and Ash's eyes darted to the tunnel again.
What if she did run? Maybe he should have just apologized—even if he wasn't sure what he was apologizing for! Brock mentioned that was something girls did. But that was girls, this was Misty, she never had a problem telling him he was wrong before—why would she...
"And the match goes to the young Bonnie of Lumoise City!"
Ash was up a split second later while the crowd went nuts at her flawless victory over a rock pokemon, and Ash used that as his chance to escape.
"Hey, where are you going?" May questioned, watching while he dipped, then nearly tripped into the row. Pikachu called after him, but was stopped by May who held her finger up to silence the mouse.
"I'm—uhm. I, I have to pee!" He yelped, then darted into the tunnel, which was kept dark to alleviate the distraction to the trainers, and keep utilities down. In hindsight, it wasn't their best business move, but Ash wasn't going to complain when he wasn't even supposed to be down here.
It wasn't that he didn't trust Misty, it was just, she had been acting weird lately and she had—Okay, so maybe he was worried! Caught up in his own thoughts, he almost missed the flash of red hair around the corner of the hallway he jogged quietly by, and came reeling to a stop.
"Misty?"
She blinked at him, holding a folded envelope in her hands while looking up and down the hallway she just came from. Confused and a little concerned. Startled to see him.
"Ash." She responded coolly, and he reeled to look at her, lips pursed and shoulders square.
"What'da doin?" fell out of his lips, trying to hide his immediate concern by crossing his arms over his chest.
Misty pointed absent minded to the hallway she came from. "I thought I saw...well, hey, have you seen Jessie and James recently?"
"Not since... Well, not for awhile, why?"
"No reason, I just thought that I saw-" Misty's brows furrowed, troubled for the correct words to express her feelings while she flicked the opened envelope at him. "Well, this had their names on it—and I found it back there-"
"Where it says staff only?" Ash grinned, amused by her immediate blush.
"It was an emergency."
"Someone getting stabbed is an emergency, your curiosity is breaking and entering." She slapped his arm playfully.
"Shut up." She barked, and they laughed. And it was perfectly normal and innocent.
For about ten seconds.
Then the returning, never ending embarking awkwardness that took over their lives crushed their souls into its midst and the moment their eyes made contact, Ash thought the letter was overly curious. Anything to avoid the we're alone and can finally break the ice talk they both seemed to adore.
"It has nothing written inside, just an empty note with their names on the back."
"..Weird." Ash hummed, taking the apparent lack of people as his first chance to get an honest reply from her, he folded the letter, then stuffed it into his back pocket. He'll deal with that later—most likely if he wanted to or not.
"So, why'd you come out here, May said you didn't-"
"Ppft, are you keeping tabs on me now?" Of course she would respond with sarcasm, it was the only language she was fluent in.
"No, but apparently Gary does." Ash matched her venomous tone, which stopped her in her tracks with a nasty glare.
"I was just..." She huffed monotone. Were all of their meetings going to begin with having to make up, and move past the awkward predicaments they threw themselves into?
"I had to pee." Misty lied smoothly. She couldn't very well admit to needing to breath far, far away. "And I can take care of myself, you don't need to coddle me."
Why did this conversation sound so familiar?
"I wasn't. I was concerned you were going to..." leave. He stopped. Even Ash knew that was bad territory to venture into.
"To what?" She asked, poising the question.
"Never mind." Ash shrugged his shoulder. "Anyways, we're missing the match—you missed Bonnie, she slayed out there." While he moved past her, she found it hard to keep her guts from spilling out of her mouth.
"You're just going to avoid me?"
Oh no she didn't! Ash spun back around to face her.
"Avoid you? You've been avoiding me!"
"I have not been!"
"You have, too!" Ash threw his hand up, adding immediately: "You were the one who flew down here and dropped the bomb when I was trying to be helpful."
"Yeah, bombarding me with questions in front of your friends is helpful!"
"They're your friends, too!"
"No they're not!" This came as a bit of a shock to Ash, who leaned back at the accusation. "I hardly know Clemont, and the last time Serena and I spoke it wasn't exactly on good terms, Ash."
"Yeah, but there's May..."
"Who is clearly dealing with her own issues!" Misty sharply inhaled and stood up to Ash, glaring into his eyes. "Besides, I don't want to be at the center of attention like some kind of safari pokemon!"
"Well sorry my popularity is such an inconvenience! It's not like I do it on purpose! You're the one who is always keeping secrets and-"
"I'm not keeping secrets!"
"Well you're not being very open!"
"I'm not? What about you!?" She hissed, pointing an accusing finger at him. "You planned a whole tournament and never told me anything about it! Not to mention what exactly you do is a huge mystery to the rest of the world! I'm not even convinced you're that busy!"
"Hey!" Ash shouted, voice echoing down the hall. Not like anyone would hear it in the distant crowd of cheers. "I do a lot! Maybe I don't want to bore you with the details."
"Maybe I wouldn't think they were boring."
"Well maybe I do!"
"Arceus!" Misty threw her arms up, fingers twitching as they came back down. "You're infuriating!"
"Well so are you!"
A stalemate; tired, sea green eyes met angry, brown eyes at the cross hairs of a close match. The first to break away lost. Had bragging rights—fighting rights. Ash's jaw clenched and his teeth grit quietly in the dark as pikachu stood at their feet, trying to keep them apart with his paws. Misty bit her bottom lip, unwilling to back down first—he was the one who was wrong, after all!
Why would either one of them back off first!
A loud, booming cheer funneled into the quiet of the tunnel and her eyes narrowed further.
"You're missing your tournament." she spit, and Ash exhaled.
"Not like you care."
"I care." Misty hissed. "In fact, I couldn't be more proud of you." She added, and the compliment might have been accommodating, if it wasn't for the oozing venom from every word.
"Well gee, your approval means so much." he smiled bitterly. "Not like I needed it for the last four years."
For the first time, he turned that insult around on her, and the expression of shock, and terror wasn't exactly the all encompassing victory he expected it to be. Actually, she looked visibly hurt the way her mouth fell open, and he followed his response with the immediate regret that came after.
"...shit, I didn't-"
A slap, a slap was coming, he knew that she was aggressive in that way, especially when she was hurt. And he probably deserved it—maybe, but instead, she lunged forward.
He hadn't expected her to kiss him, for her fingers to curl around his blue collar and drag his lips into a feisty, fitful kiss that stole his breath and forced his heart to temporarily stop beating to contain the pause in his mind. There hadn't been a second he suspected her mouth would lap over his, and corner him into the staff only hallway he gave her hell about only seconds ago—or venture down from his lips, to his neck, and then back to his lips once more.
Damn it.
Somewhere he heard pikachu appear to check up on them from May's grasp, then just as quickly disappear and duck away from their proactive activities, and made a very strong mental note to feed the mouse its weight in ketchup for always being such a wonderful wing man.
After she was done kissing him, of course.
XOX
Ninety reasons to explain to his friends why he missed the second half of the tournament was like pulling his teeth without novacaine. Trying to hide the swelling bruises he left on her neck with her collared vest, and his own with his popped collar felt like the aftermath of a very long, steamy night, and all of which took place in an hour, between their mouths...which were unbelievably sore.
"Your hair is a mess." Misty whined, matting his hair down with her hands and placing his hat back onto his head. "If you have sex hair without the sex I can't imagine what it'll..."
"What?" Ash whispered, eyes wide while Misty snapped back to the reality she was in and offered a straight laced, Misty response.
"It looks like you stuck your finger in a light socket. Your hair is a mess." Any warm feelings in his stomach died the very instant and his face fell appropriately. But the air was clear for the first time.
"Shut up." Ash mouthed boyish, shoving her playfully against the unforgiving wall that had been their home for the last hour. His touch left pinpricks of gooseflesh over her bare arms, and he smiled down at her.
"Wasn't my fault you didn't let me up for air."
She blinked at the comment, then narrowed her eyes dangerously. His chest was pressed against hers, his arms wrapped tightly around her body and holding her close with that sinister smile over his lips, and a smirk over hers.
"Didn't mean to-" Her eyelids lowered eagerly when his lips came close to her once again, brushing the burning sensation of his touch from her lips to the pit of her stomach that seemed so glaringly far away from his. He was always the perfect gentlemen—or shy, she would never know.
"Pika!" The mouse squealed from the safety of the tunnel entrance while they broke apart as if lightning crossed through them.
"Mist.."
"The tournament.." Misty mumbled, shoving past Ash before another one of their episodes replayed and they were stuck in that dark hallway for another hour. Ash didn't hesitate to follow her, meeting her at her shoulder when they moved to the end of the tunnel and the guarded fence line to watch the final match.
Great, his first sponsored tournament and he missed half of it—he had to try to hide his deflation as they announced the winner of the final battle: Bonnie was the loser—runner up. It wasn't bad, to lose the way that she did, apparently, by the crowds rambunctious reaction to the final battle, the event was amazing, but he missed it. Ash turned to Misty, whose hands were placed on the metal grate of the fence protecting the crowd from the battle when his fingers traces up her fore arm and snatched her.
"I guess we owe Bonnie a battle after all."
Misty scoffed, a small smile on her lips. "...I didn't come for the tournament." before Ash could ask what she meant, she nudged him in the shoulder and lowered their hands.
"They're all so young now, aren't they?" Ash's eyes fell back on Bonnie, who cheered in excitement as she accepted the medal that was passed to her from the tournament announcers while they took names, read interviews and flashed a few pictures.
"They're the new generation now." Ash hummed happily, pikachu hopping up onto his shoulder with a nudge of his cheek against Ash's.
"I remember when we were that little."
"Yeah, me, too."
"Seems like so long ago now, doesn't it?"
"...A little bit." Ash paused, pursing his lips and squeezing her fingers. "Though, I think if little me, well you know. I think I'd run away."
"Pfft, you'd run away now if you could."
"Oh, did I try." He breathed with a happy sigh before swinging an arm around her. "Then you tracked me down four years later, and.."
"Don't finish that sentence." Ash ignored the apparent disgust and contempt on her face—deciding to ignore her fears for the time being, in favor of the sliver of happiness that presented itself. For a little while they were okay. Now he only needed to figure out how to keep it that way.
"If you say so."
Changing the subject from anything but their relationship Misty nodded to the battle contestants. "...do you think they're gonna be okay?"
"Who?"
"Them."
Without much of a pause he nodded reassuringly. "Yeah. They're gonna be fine."
"...We're gonna be fine." He added quietly after, almost as an after thought. Beside him, her gaze shifted from watching him quietly, to the floor where a small amount of guilt flooded into her green eyes. She didn't think so.
But she didn't dare to tell him that right now.
Author's Note:
Love makes you crazy, it makes you sick. What makes you more sick is after having problems over distance—they seem to fade away in person, because you aren't constantly wrapped up in your own mind, imagining what could be happening. Ash and Misty are kind of like the ticking time bomb, and they need a diffuse soon.
Happy new year!
NINT
