-CHAPTER SEVENTEEN-
BRUISED
Saturday 21st November 2009
CHRISTIAN
I WOKE TO THE TASTE OF BLOOD, the warmth of the morning sun on my bare chest; I knew Elliot had achieved his goal.
Hurt the one that broke Ana's heart.
While unconscious I had curled onto my side, not quite the fetal position but I was close. The metallic blood taste was resting in my mouth but the wet drool down my cheek just topped it off.
"Fucking brilliant," I huffed as I wiped away the combination of saliva and stale blood.
Awkwardly trying to get up from the cold floor, my chest ached from the injuries sustained from Elliot the night before. The emptiness hurt more with her gone. My Ana.
As usual I've fucked up, particularly when that girl is involved.
Pixie
Tilting my head back, I consumed a large breath trying to wake my system. How does one approach the day after a disaster of a day I had? Go for the chase? Again? Explain my appreciation, most definitely my love for her. Does she even want to see me? I need to see her, she…ohh… fuck the babies. Fuck! She wouldn't shut me out? Would she? Oh my god what was I fucking thinking last night? My head is spinning I need Advil, these fucking headaches!
Grey you don't even know anything about one another, don't set expectations too high!
Tediously dragging my bare feet to the en-suite, I stretched and flexed my muscles, trying to rid the ache over my body and function as a human again. Stripping my pajama pants I turned only one faucet on, my lungs gasped through the piercing needle spray of hot water.
The humid air burned my lungs and I couldn't help but let gravity takes hold as I fall to my knees in the shower. Everything began to feel heavy, it felt as if my limbs, arms and legs were molding into the tiles beneath me. Resting my cheek on the cool tile, the burning fire within raged. A quick snap of my fist punch one, two, three, a whole wall of tiles.
"Fuck you Lincoln," my fist continued to make contact with the ceramic wall.
"You fucking asshole, Elliot," again my tight knuckled hit the tile.
My knuckles were not cooperating due to my injuries sustained with the small tree yesterday. The skin was split and cracked, and the red river trickled down the drain. If only it was that easy to wash away the pain. Water splashed my face, but my combined tears poured down my cheeks, my sorrow for me, her, us.
I'm such a disappointment. I'm always a disappointment, so how is this any different.
I'm sorry the words whispered from my lips. If only Ana were able to hear them. I'm sure they wouldn't even cut the surface of an apology.
Composing myself to a certain degree, faucets off, and getting my sad ass out of the shower, I glared at the foggy mirror. Droplets of condensation fell reminding me the tears Ana had shed the night before.
All I wanted to do was smash the mirror in the heat of rage. My breathing was heavy my eyes began to burn, clenching my fists the raw feeling was raging through my veins.
"STOP!" I yelled.
I paused.
Closing my eyes taking control of my breathing, it slowly eased. Quickly I tugged a white fluffy towel from the rail trying my best to wipe my thoughts clean. Tiresomely I rubbed and wiped the sizeable mirror trying to create a clean slate. No matter how hard I tried it was streaky and blurred.
Drawing my hands down my face to my torso, it was obvious Elliot has lost his touch when it comes to physical violence. My eye is only slightly bruised, nostrils a little red with inflammation; my stomach there is nothing to see only slight soreness to the touch.
Draping the towel on my hips, I walked to my large empty bed. Seeing the ruffled unkempt blankets sheets and pillows the memories flooded back. Falling onto the bed, my arms are spread wide staring at the ceiling. My face was wet with tears; I could feel the droplets dripping to my ears.
I was a complete selfish bastard.
Ana must think I'm a monster. Why didn't I think… I fucking yelled at her. She was petrified!
My eyes are rolling back to try and catch some sleep. The silence was interrupted by the sound of buzzing.
The buzzing was a repetitive five beat pattern. "My cell, fuck!" I roared.
Rolling to the edge of the bed I found my iPhone on the carpet vibrating and flashing before my eyes.
Ana.
"Ana, Pixie… I'm sorry," my voice was desperate and sounding like a poor sod. It was silent. Looking back at the cell, I was too slow. Call disconnected.
Redialing her number I waited patiently for the call to connect only to be disappointed as Ana's voice "Hello you have reached Anastasia Steele. I'm unable to answer your call right now. If you leave your name and num–"
Fucking voicemail
Giving up on the fourth try, I saw on my home screen several message notifications.
ELLIOT:Bro I hope you are ok, Banana tried to explain it to me. Dude you don't hurt a chick especially one that is sooo important! Call me.
Rolling my eyes it's so easy to say that now, but during the time it was completely different.
ELLIOT: Ana is at Mom and Dad's tonight. Sharing a fucking bed with my girlfriend. I should be doing that and fucking her! You need to get your shit sorted ASAP cos Kate isn't here forever my lil guy was counting on being serviced multiple times. FUCKING OK!
At least she's safe, honestly Ell I don't care about your sex life or third leg.
ELLIOT:Bro are you ok? Please tell me you are ok. You didn't fucking fight back. Shit please tell me you are ok!
Feeling guilty are we?
Reading Ana's messages broke me.
ANA: I'm sorry. Time. Give me time. Give yourself time. I hope you are ok.
I've fucked up she doesn't want an 'us!'
ANA: Please tell me you are ok. P.S. Elliot foraged through your wallet.
Fucking Elliot!
Running to the kitchen I found my wallet, opened and empty… that fucking asshole stole two hundred bucks from me!
ANA: Are you ok, you're worrying me now. X
A kiss. Does she want what I want... but space will be good? Holy fucking shit I'm like a giddy confused 14-year-old girl!
ANA: Please message me. Call me. Please tell me you are ok. I'm at your Mom's. We need to talk. Christian… please contact me x
Oh Ana.
Listening to Elliot's recorded messages were similar to his written ones and I quickly deleted them.
One voicemail is Ana's. I began to pace around the apartment as I listened to her message.
"Christian please call me, I'm really–" her breath hitches and I know she's trying to hold in her tears, "–really worried. I miss you and I looo-" the message cuts off.
With my cell in my hand, I know… I need to get this shit under control.
On the floor, knowing I need to use what Flynn always told me.
…..
November 2005,
Grace… Mom made it clear with her final ultimatum. Give this shit a go, or I'm off to boarding school. Okay possibly not Mom's refined words, but that's what she was hinting at.
How can I not make assumptions, this asshole is late. Studying his office it's giving me the creeps, it's too formal, something like Dad's office. Too many pompous ass books, too much leather, and what's with the black and red, what the fuck is this, a dungeon?
I don't like dark places and I hate fucking waiting. My finger nails never stood a chance, biting them back to the wick. He better not be an old guy, I hate old guys they freak me the fuck out… but I'm doing this for Mom.
"Afternoon," A tall, relatively young man walked in. Instantly making himself comfortable on the opposite leather couch. Resting over his crossed leg was a… Jesus, a leather bound note book. He flipped opened the yellow pages, clicked his pen and began to write.
"My name is Flynn," he looked up from his notes.
I gave a head flick, tossing my arms over my chest. It's my go to move, people get it, it's my fuck off face. If I only had my cap, the fucking creeper is staring into my eyes. Was he going to try some crazy psycho voodoo shit on me? I've seen shit on YouTube, it happens.
He continued to stare, so I stared back and again his pen was on the paper. This is fucking hard, but I need to give it a try, since I know Mom and Dad are paying a shit tonne of cash for me to talk to a shrink.
Why the fuck am I so fascinating? He's writing so much shit, and I haven't even said a word.
"What's your sense of purpose in this big world Chris?"
Oh no! No fucking way.
I held up two fingers,"Two things. One it's Christian," lowering my index finger, with my middle remaining, "two I'm only here because my parents are making me," I stuck that finger straight and proud, "So fuck off." I huffed, why didn't Elliot need to do this shit, he crashed dad's car. I punch a few kids, and I get a wackjob.
"Let me rephrase, what do you want to do when you leave here today… Christian?" Flynn asked.
I remained silent, my finger tapping the red couch. This psychobabbler didn't need to know I was going home, most probably to my room or hanging down out at the sound alone.
"When was the last time you spoke to someone your age?"
"Elliot." It was true, this morning over the phone. I hadn't even spoken to anyone throughout the day at school.
He flicked through his yellow pad of notes, "Elliot, your brother?" I cringed. So, what if I only spoke to my brother. It was easier talking through my fists than words.
"You attended school today?" I shrugged, showing him the whites of my eyes. "Does that imply yes?" I nod, continuing to tap my finger, wanting to punch his fucking face in. "Did you speak with your teachers?"
"I guess," shrugging. It was another tough day, of course I spoke with them, well rather I was spoken to, given lectures mostly, how I was a disappointment, gave no respect and why can't I be normal. Ok that one was what they were thinking, they don't need to tell me. The assholes at school say it enough.
"What do you miss?"
"Miss?" confused.
"Is there something you want, a need to fulfill your needs?"
"Hey Flynn, I'm not sure if you've noticed but I'm a teenager… you exactly know my needs." I laughed, trying to look somewhere other but him.
"Sex?" He continued to write on the pad, "Of course, we all need sexual interaction, it's ingrained into us, part of nature. But I'm digging deeper."
I know I want to fuck, but I can't. You need to be able to let you touch for that to happen.
"What makes you satisfied, happy?"
I hooked my brow, "Really?" And I jerked my hand back and forth.
"Touch, so it gives you pleasure. Do you have a girlfriend, assuming you are heterosexual?"
"I'm not gay, Jesus Flynn." Smacking my palm to my forehead.
"So you've been with girls, since you enjoy touching,"
"No," I gritted through my teeth, but I wanted to.
"When you're aggravated, what steps do you take to calm down?" I held up my tighten fist, showcasing my split knuckles from this mornings efforts.
"Does this explain your eye." I held up my fist again throwing a few air punches.
"I fucked him up, he… he was pissing me off."
"Words or actions?" He continued to write, honestly I don't know how I could be this interesting, or was this entertainment.
"Both, so I shut him up."
"What's your purpose in this world?"
"I dunno?" I shrugged, "How the fuck would I know… people have always pissed me off, I know I'm different."
"Being different isn't a negative."
"It is to me."
Flynn's clock ticked and ticked, and some how fifteen minutes had passed, we were talking shit about fucked up teachers, girls, how I like the piano. I like him, he's cool.
"Strategies Christian…"
"Huh, with… life or are we still talking about subtle jerking?"
He chuckled, I didn't understand what was funny."This anger eating at you, you need to create some coping strategies more than…" Flynn jerked his hand up and down. "You've mentioned the piano, this could be a safe haven, work around it."
I rolled my eyes, the piano is great but honestly twinkling on black and white keys aren't truly going to help, "I smashed my Mom's piano stool a few weeks ago."
"Did it feel fulfilling?"
"Yes… No, well it was great at the time. I felt fucking strong, the power but shit Flynn I saw my Mom… she didn't deserve that, I don't want to disappoint her, she's taken on a lot to keep me. It's the assholes at school." I punched the arm of the chair.
"So you were disappointed. A far cry from fulfillment, relief or satisfaction."
"Jesus, make me feel a little more guilty. No I felt pretty shitty ok."
"Ahhh," he wrote in his notes again. "Maybe make some rules for yourself, you can set them and let's see if fulfillment happens."
"Flynn, rules are meant to be broken," I tapped the side of my nose.
"It's easier to bend them."
I pulled back my mouth dropping. No fucking way, shit I like this guy even more.
"It's ok to feel angry Christian, it's when aggression happens physical or emotional violence is not acceptable behavior," I lumped back into the couch, "There are ramifications."
Jesus, we're getting heavy again, I'm not sure if I want to hear anymore.
"Strategies will help with this aggression Christian, making amends with these sensation is the key. Maybe start with the keys of your piano, breathe through the music, involve your Mother, she seems like a very important person in your life, build on this. When you're ready build relationships away from your home, your safe haven, you know something more stimulating in the mental sense more than just your…" Again he jerked his hand up and down.
I snorted at his action, Jesus dude too slow, you're technique is shit.
"It's good that you're laughing. Do it more, it looks good on you." He smiled and then continued to add notes to the page.
"Oh I do it plenty with Elliot."
"Maybe bring him along next session?"
"Ohh, I couldn't… he's at college," I worried, I don't want him knowing how fucked up I am, I can't lose him too.
"Do you miss him?"
"Of course, he's my fucking best friend and he moved out,"
"Well invite him, I insist."
And I smiled.
"Next," He cupped his hands together. Fucking great, what now? "Tell me about you're earliest memory."
"Can't we just talk about jerking and boobs, I like that better," Flynn stood up, walking to a bookcase and passed a leather bound book to me.
"Read it."
"It's old," I flicked through the pages, "and really long," I groaned.
"Girls, boobs and sex, you'll love it." Flynn smirked at himself. "Tess of the d'Urbervilles. Give it time, you'll like it." I continued to flick the pages, god why does this feel like an assignment, "Now, tell me about you're earliest memory."
I let out a breath, "Before I was adopted…"
Shaking myself out of the memory of Flynn, mentally I had a list of people I essentially need to make amends with. Firstly I need to contact my lawyer.
…..
AS THE MORNING TURNED INTO MIDDAY, I had successfully annulled my lease agreement with Mrs Lincoln. It wasn't terribly difficult since the lease was quite open with multiple loopholes. Fourteen days and I'm out!
By Monday I have arranged for a purchased contract written and signed for a new penthouse. The mortgage will be quite large, but I'm hoping over the coming months to a year and it will be completely paid in full. Something to call mine.
Why did I believe that I needed Mrs Lincoln? It was obvious she was buying me buying her love, but why did I reciprocate her offers? Did I feel sorry for her… or her only daughter, my birth mother? A type of compensation per se? Honestly the thought of having a meaningful conversation with her wounds me deeply. Her vile words spitting in my face not only makes me livid but physically I can't control the anger from within.
Elena Lincoln turns me into something I never want to be. A monster.
Holding the cell, perspiration was forming from the pressure of my grip and my anxiety was building. Twisting, turning, flipping my cell I couldn't help pressing the home key every few spins. Clear as crystal it was time to face the music. I need to call him.
"Elliot," I let out a relieving breath.
"Fuck…Christian, you're ok. I was really fucking–" Elliot sounded rushed and apprehensive.
"–worried… Did the guilt begin to eat you up, since you weren't worried when I was knocked out cold. Honestly I don't care Ell. This call isn't about me… how's Ana?"
"Well honestly bro. How do you expect her to feel? Fucking dandy?" I couldn't help but sigh into the cell, "she's fucking broken, confused and has a sprained wrist asshole."
The air sucked back in my throat. All three things were my fault.
"Kate convinced her to still attend Coping Together rather than leaving for Ray's today."
"Good," I was terse.
"Good. Fucking good, is that all you can say. Are you even sorry? It really scared her bro, fuck it scared me! What were you thinking? You are never like this, you fucking abused her."
"Abused her? I held her wrist—"
"Don't even try to justify it. If you come tonight I hope you have your balls wrapped in barbed wire and under fucking lock and key because Ana isn't the only one who wants your balls. Kate is for one! And don't fucking think Mom will forgive you quickly…. She wants… demands to speak with you."
"You told Mom?" my voice rose an octave.
"Of course I did, how could I not? Ana was distraught, and she was starting to add things together."
Elliot continued to lay down everything to me, but I blanked out, everything turning into a buzzing hum.
Ana hates me. She fucking hates me.
"She hates me," I whispered into the phone as my body began to curl in on itself.
"Christian she's confused, she fucking loves you but what you did…" he paused "fucking scared the shit out of her. Of course she will hate you. Maybe it's time to go see Flynn, or give him a call?"
I couldn't help but press the red button on my phone to terminate the conversation. Elliot tried to call me three more times.
I didn't bother to answer.
Walking into my closet, I stared at the suit bag and masque.
I need to make a decision. Fight for flight.
A/N:
SONG INSPIRATION:
1. Cool Kids - ECHOSMITH. It can be found here - goo. gl/eVcgDh
2. Away From The Sun - 3DoorsDown. It can be found here - goo. gl/j4Znxx
3. Wish You Were Here - Avril Lavigne. It can be found here - goo. gl/XXqKxv
For previous readers to the old version, you may have noticed the new flashback scene with Flynn. I hope it does justice, I did have fun writing this scene.
Just a reminder regarding next month updates will possibly drop back to once a week instead of the current twice a week due to NaNoWriMo, but if I get my writing into gear in the next week I should have a short story to post next month just as a bonus (my fingers are crossed) for loyal readers. I can see you all now rolling your eyes "Just finish M&F" yes yes yes I'm getting there.
Again, I appreciate you reading the new reworked/beta-ed "Misplaced & Found." So many new followers and favourites I appreciate every single one! On that note, if you haven't already done so, please favourite, follow, review and PM me regarding any M&F questions or concerns. See you soon for chapter 18.
missmusicteach
