Equanimity, Chapter 27

Goodbye, cruel world. Were Dawn's initial thoughts.

Brock had not stopped talking, and had it not been a lecture at her, she might have given him credit for his long winded speech. Gary had already checked out, slurping back his eighth cup of coffee, probably contemplating how much alcohol he could sneak in between rants without getting caught. The bottle was only a couple inches away, but Brock would notice and swat his hand every so often. Dawn felt sort of bad, dragging Gary into this. After all, she was the one that started kissing him. Started this whole thing, whatever it was.

She wasn't sure why she started kissing him, but at some point, the answer would come to her. She had been waiting a few weeks now. Hopefully before Brock blew a gasket.

Hormones was out, it was fun was out, and because I wanted to were all off the table. Brock wanted an honest answer as much as she did...

Unfortunately, if she didn't have one for herself, she couldn't give one to Brock—let alone Gary.

"So," he finally rounded off. "You two are dating?"

Easy answer: no.

Hard answer: no.

Dawn looked to Gary for assistance, and he seemed curious for her answer as well, so Dawn said instead:

"It's...uh...complicated."

"See, no," Brock shut her down. "complicated is when you kiss someone and realize you've made a mistake. What I saw was three shades of boning—on my couch."

"Yes, your poor couch, can we please move on?" Gary finally addressed sarcastically, but Brock raised his finger at him. Least he had the knowledge to bite his tongue on why it was any of Brock's business in the first place.

"None from you, Gary, I've known you a lot longer than Dawn. I can't believe you would do this, man."

Gary gawked at Brock for a moment as Dawn whistled in her defense. Gary visibly grew angry, finally cracking the surface of his tantrum response, but Dawn cut in.

"I'm an adult, Brock."

"Saying it doesn't make it true!" Brock snapped, pacing back and forth.

"So is this like some kind of booty call, or something? Dawn, I thought you liked Paul? Zoey at the least—but Gary Oak? Do you know who he lost his virginity to?"

Now Gary was bordering on insulted, and pissed off; staring madly at Brock with intense eyes. Brock glared angrily back, but Dawn shrugged slightly, losing her voice.

"It's not a big deal..."

"Until one of you gets pregnant."

Neither corrected him, but Gary ran his hand through his hair in frustration and muted his complaints with a strangled sigh. She couldn't blame him, Brock was like her older brother, he had every right to be upset; but his pensive lines were being taken out at the wrong person. Dawn knew that Gary wasn't the one to blame. She was.

Yet, she couldn't find the voice to tell Brock what she had started. She couldn't even admit it to herself; how could she say it to one of her best friends?

"God—between you and Ash I'm just..." Brock fizzled out, dropped his arms, recalling the last phone conversation he had with Ash, when suspecting that the trainer was up-to-know-good and looking for a bail out. Knowing that Dawn was here, sitting on his couch, making out with Gary Oak, though. It shocked his entire system.

"You're right, I'm over reacting. It's your life. We're not kids anymore, so do what you want." Brock threw up his arms, but some how, his acceptance didn't make her feel any better.

Shame, was it shame she was feeling buried so deep in her chest? Gary said there was nothing wrong with it, being sexually proactive, but then again, Gary had not used a friend before. He had flings, but not with friends of friends or anyone inside his social circle.

While she felt fine with it when it was just to two of them, she now felt so guilty it threatened to claw out her heart and regurgitate onto the floor before her. It made her stomach upset, and her head spin. Like that time she accidentally pushed Barry into the river, or caused Ash to temporarily lose his lure of Misty. Guilt, and lots of it.

Eventually, Dawn's face screwed up, trying to get out of her head, out of this rotating door of emotions; she blinked up at Brock, who had been completely quiet—as if he expected an explanation now more than ever, and if she was not being such a coward, she might have given him one.

"What did you mean Zoey at least?"

XOX

Dawn used Gary. It was an idea she was trying to wrap her head around; kissing him made the blurry lines disappear, and she was able to regain her focus for a short time. Going one step further—well, that gave her the last ribbon she won, and preparation for the next. Her fling with Gary was no different than substance abuse!

Only... Gary and Dawn were people, and when she sat down to think about it, she never felt worse in her life.

Time and again, she thought of calling her mother Joanna, who had more than a dozen notches in her belt—two were real heart breakers—her first love, and Dawn's dad, of course—and the rest she said were accidents and blunders. Joanna was confident enough in herself to maintain an emotional peace, but she always warned Dawn about getting attached. Dawn squeezed the bridge of her nose, and leaned back on the bed where she lay.

Brock forced Dawn to sleep in his bedroom. That, or Gary had to sleep in there, because he did not trust either of them. Not that he had to worry, after being walked in on, Dawn was beginning to think that swearing off men completely was a bright idea. The way Gary looked at her a moment ago, when she kissed him for the last time (because it was the last time, she promised herself) made her feel wrong, and disgusting. A wolf in goat skin.

Covering her face with the sickening scent of cologne smelling blankets, she wrapped herself up into the bed, willing herself to sleep—but found that none would come. She heard Brock and Gary yapping at one another in the other room, and tossed the blankets off, and started to pace.

She needed to fix this.

Ash mentioned once that he knew someone who time-traveled and a pokemon that could help—could Dawn pull that off? Surely Ash would know the solution! As she typed his familiar number in the window of her phone, she stopped when Brock's voice echoed into her ears.

What were you thinking, Gary? What is Ash going to say!

Nothing! Ash doesn't need to know! God are you all attached at the hip?

Dawn immediately dropped her phone as if it erupted in flames, and started pacing once again. Right, no one else needed to know, she, Brock, and Gary could fix this. All she had to do is go out there, sit down, and talk about it.

Talk about why she was behaving this way; but she didn't know herself.

She could mention that it won't happen again; but that was a lie, she had already told herself when they leave Goldenrod City, things would go back to normal.

Maybe, maybe! Dawn might have even liked Gary—a little bit—maybe. She did kiss him first, after all, and for real. If Brock hadn't walked in when he did, she might have more to clean up than just her mess, emotionally, she would be ruined.

No, that, too, was a lie. Dawn was already emotionally ruined. Pacing back and forth, she finally dropped to the window sill, allowing the shuddering cold to penetrate her sleeping gown, and cause shivers to erupt in her body.

What was worse, was when she thought about who to ask for advice, she thought of Gary—and Misty, and Brock. But how could she ask? What would they say to her? Surely they would tell her it's not her fault, Dawn was just in a weak state and was taken advantage of. But she wasn't, Dawn knew what she was doing.

She was using Gary to feel better about herself, and that was so wrong. For the first time in months, she felt appreciated, and happy. She felt daring and brave, she felt like she had, for a time, scratched the surface of finding a happy relationship—and what she thought was a good relationship, was one that didn't expect her to put aside her goals in life. One that didn't take over her life, one that she did not have to think about, did not have to focus on. She wad Dawn plus one. Not Dawn and Gary.

Gary was great, he was nice, and supportive—sometimes a little egotistic and a bit of an occasional narcissist, but he, unlike a certain other guy she might have been infatuated with, treated her with some level of respect. He did not talk down to her, did not look down on contests; by all means, Gary was...he was great.

Yet, no matter how much she tried, her heart stopped a beat or two before fully committing, and she knew it. Relationships were either cut and dry like May and Drew's; they were perfect for one another, and every action had a respectful consequence. Or, relationships were like Ash and Misty's: drawn out, passionate and messy, every action had a sporadic consequence, and if they didn't hold on, they would lose. And yet, they both somehow survived, while Dawn was busy dancing around her own advancement.

She felt so stupid, having so many issues about relationships!

She was Dawn Matthews, she did not have relationship issues; she didn't focus on the past, or obsess over other people's lives. She wasn't a jealous person, or an angry person; she was positive and charming with just the right amount of confidence. The last few months were so unlike her, she felt rotten inside.

Life used to be simple when she traveled with Ash and Brock; after that, when she went on to pokemon modeling, and beyond that, when she stepped into her own blossoming journey against fellow rivals. She had her high points, but she could never think of any low points lower than this.

Hard to believe that one party watching Ash Ketchum fumble around girls he's known his entire life was what sent her over the edge. She even helped him and Misty find one another—sneaked him into hearing a confession from the redhead, went with him to buy her flowers, and stumbled into Paul frickin Shinji at the corner stone of self-realization. He was nice, for once, acknowledged her, for once; and back then, Dawn had thought nothing of it.

Now, his face followed her everywhere—not the one of acknowledging her, but the one of betrayal arriving a fraction of a second after she started to yell at him for no other reason than trying to find her, to ask her questions. Turning on him, after she pushed him into it.

Dawn felt her hands slip from the window sill, and she sunk to the ground, holding her head and her tears back.

No matter how much she tried, she couldn't forget the night she and Paul spent together. No matter how she tried to deny it, forget it—it watched over her in the shadows, taunting her. In the midst of traveling with May and Drew after he rudely told her to grow up, Paul came back. He came back to her. He wanted to apologize, if not with his words—then with action. Paul we never one to speak eloquently his thoughts.

At the time, Dawn's intentions were to confront him for his behavior, but she never had to; his kisses cut her off abruptly, and she let him wrap his arms around her waist. In time, their passion brought them one step closer, and Dawn would be lying if she said she hadn't been warmed to her core by his mouth. Kissing him was like winning a ribbon in a tight match, it pushed adrenaline through every vein and created white lights behind her eyes that carried her to her carelessness. They were clumsy, and angry, and their bodies fit so neatly together.

For someone who hated romance, despised the idea of being in a relationship and believed it to be far too distracting; he kissed her so passionately, her entire body quaked, and the tumble they found themselves in was genuine passion. Lust driven antics from pent up hormones—that's how Dawn referred to it. After all, she couldn't say that she enjoyed it; she couldn't say that those hours, some months ago, were some of the best of her life. Dawn certainly would never admit to anyone that she was still hung up on Paul...

...because she rejected him.

"I think I love you."

The words were icy now, a cold sting biting into her room, through her night gown and forcing her arms to clamp around her knees as she rocked back and forth. Paul's voice fluttered into her ears when her heart beat completely froze, seconds before exhaustion, or surprise, robbed her of consciousness.

I think I love you he said to her after the fact, when he looked so sensitive and honest. When she just might have believed him—if their past wasn't littered with the primary question she found ringing in her ears the very second she woke up.

Why!?

Suddenly, it felt too real—but she couldn't say anything—Paul liked her, officially, even told her so, but that thought scared her so much it forced her to literally run. For the last few months, she told herself it was because he wasn't the one for her; but really, it was because she finally took a long, hard look at herself.

What would life with Paul look like? What would it feel like? Sometimes, she pretended it would be fun, running after him, forcing him to participate in events with her—drag him to shows, and contests, social events and gatherings. She would laugh, and he would scowl, she would defend him to their friends for his behavior, constantly try to keep him happy, but never know when he really was. They would attend their friends weddings, where she would have to force him to dance with her, where he would mock her and get upset by her antics. They might even have a few kids someday, and they would be as apprehensive and lonely as she was when she tried to explain to them that Paul loved them, he just did not show it.

Then, of course, the guilt that she knew all to well, for assuming she knew exactly how their future would plan out—and fear that she didn't know for sure, because she didn't really know Paul. In the time they spent together, she learned that he actually cared for his pokemon, but he was a very strict trainer. Ash's words and confidence during their final match instilled a new motto, and he was very punctual. Dawn could talk about his battling technique all day, but after that—she didn't know about his relationship with his brother, or his parents; what his hobbies were. All she knew was his stone, cold persona—and...

I think I love you.

She got scared, and she ran. Dawn followed that by immediately destroying any chance they had to reconcile, threw him out of her life—because after all, he was the one that told her not to focus on relationships; and if she let herself fall into one with him, that's all she would ever think about.

Paul wasn't good for her.

On the other hand, Gary, who had been supportive through the ordeal, charming and steadfast, was the ideal replacement.

Yet, she felt...something, but it was no where near the level of confusion she had for Paul. If relationships were ranked on the level of confusion, Paul was a ten, and Gary was one. He kept it simple, he was easy to read, and full of surprises that weren't terrifying. Gary was on good terms with all of her friends, and was already fun to be around.

So why was it that-

"Oh god, Dawn. What am I gonna do?" She muttered to herself, feeling her mind go endlessly in circles. Fresh tears spilled from her eyes, and drenched the cloth around her knees, and she wondered when exactly she started crying. She buried these troubles behind a lie of false confidence, knew that if she only worked harder, she could move on.

Yet, here she was. Sitting on the floor of Brock's apartment, huddling close to her knees, and feeling worse than she ever had before.

"Yeah, Brock, you keep that friggin thing away from me!" Gary shouted, taking refuge in Dawn's room, and immediately snapping her back into reality. She wiped at her tears before Gary turned around and saw her sitting so limp in the corner. His shoulders were broad and lips turned down in a scowl until he saw her.

No, no, no. She didn't want anyone to see her like this!

"Are you alright?" His dark eyes stopped immediately on her frail body, crumpled beneath the window sill, eyes red and puffy, and face screwed up.

"Y-yes." She hiccuped, trying to sound confident. Gary knew better, so as the light pounding of Brock's fists hit the door, Gary was kneeling beside her.

"What's wrong, Dawn?"

Then, the tears started running, and she lost all control over her body when her shoulders started to bounce uncontrollably and sobs fell out of her mouth.

"Dawn-"

"Stop being so nice to me!" She screamed, literally pushing her hands into his chest and flinging him backwards. Surprised, Gary fell backwards, hitting his head on Brock's carpeted floors, and though her shove had no force to it, it was enough of a shock that when Brock came in with a spare key to the bedroom, gloating, he immediately stopped.

"What happened?" Brock asked, then angrily looked at Gary, who was at a lose for words. "What did you-"
"Stop blaming him." Dawn screeched, standing up and digging her heels into the ground. "It's me, okay!? I'm sorry!"

Silence followed the outburst, then.

"Dawnie-" Brock started, approaching her with a kind hand. "I was only giving you a hard time, that's what I do—I'm so-"

"Stop—just-just stop, okay!?" She wheezed, gathering up her nightgown and bolting past him to the door. "I'm the bad one! I did this! I started all of this! Just—just-don't follow me!"

They didn't have time to argue with her, Gary was still standing up and masquerading his confusion with frustration. Brock, shamefully, let his chin hit his chest—though Dawn didn't stop to stare. She let her feet carry her out the door, into the brisk summer night, and entrap her lungs until they felt ice cold.

Once upon a time, she was told that if she didn't like someone, exploring all of her options would be easy—fun even. Most people around her age jumped from relationship to relationship. They discovered themselves and who they were on the winding road of life. Happily. Dawn told herself she could do that, she could live like that. After all, she could do anything.

She could even run until her feet bled, and scream internally at herself for being so stupid—for being so selfish. She could even hate herself just a little for her actions, and knock herself down a few notches.

When she stopped, she didn't know where she was, but she was hovering over a small fountain, really staring at herself for the first time in months. He hair was a tangled mess, unusual for her pristine appearances. Her eyes were blood shot and puffy, yesterday's make-up was a smear down her face, and her gown was tangled. The shorts she wore beneath were sweaty from her run, and the outfit clung to her back.

She didn't even recognize herself.

So when her fist hit the water to destroy the crystal clear image, she only allowed herself to crumple and fall, back against the brick wall—and cry for the first time in a long time.

She couldn't do this anymore.

She couldn't pretend.

XOX

Somewhere after midnight, she had stumbled back into Brock's apartment, and was thankful that neither of the boys worried expressions stopped her from her pursuit into Brock's bedroom, where she slammed the door, and laid awake for five hours. Morning came, and she felt unrest digging into her chest.

Self control was waking up in the morning to a cold shower, to dusting off her hands of what had happened, and focusing on what would change starting now. Dawn quietly ignored the groans and worried glances between Gary, and Brock. Neither of them slept the night before, as indicated by the bags under their eyes, and the immense need of coffee. Still, when she looked over her shoulder at Gary, she felt a painful pang in her heart. No one said a word for the length of breakfast, and Brock and Gary waited to speak to one another until Dawn was cleaning off her plate in the other room. She prepared herself for what they were going to say, for the chastise that she was about to receive, but when she re-entered the kitchen, she was surprised to see the both of them still sipping their coffee, and reading two halves of the paper.

Dawn carried her weight to the refrigerator, where she put away the milk and orange juice, then took a seat opposite of them and started in on the comics section that they left out of their morning read. Every time she tried to speak, she stopped herself.

What could she say that wouldn't make Gary hate her—or make Brock disappointed in her? She already felt these things for herself, she certainly didn't need any help.

Tired of the silence, however, Gary set his paper down. "On a scale from one to 'this was a desperate cry of help before I throw myself over the edge of a tall building'; what was last night?"

Her mouth opened, but before words escaped, an overly-emotional, and sleep deprived Brock jumped in.

"I'm so sorry, Dawn. I didn't mean to make you cry. I just took my joke too-"

"Shut up, let her talk." Gary quickly scolded, watching the man deflate. His hard eyes struck her once more, and she never realized he could be so intense. For once other than his research, she saw the snark of a young man. She looked down at the paper she was thumbing through aimlessly, and cleared her throat.

"Last night was..." she inhaled. Might as well be honest. "I've been really stressed out over something lately, and I'd rather not discuss it. I've done somethings that I am not proud of, but I can't change what I've done, only hope that I can be better."

"Doesn't sound like you're facing the problem." Gary's snide tone intervened, and this time, Dawn matched his glare.

"Yeah, but I'm handling it."

"Really? So, handling it like you've found a solution—or handling it like you're going to run out and use people for sex and stress relief?"

"Like I found a solution." She snapped. "and—and-"

She was thankful when the phone rang, because it separated the conversation as Brock excused himself from the kitchen to grab it; apparently uncomfortable. She even expected Gary's nerve to loosen, but Brock's absence only made his gaze harsher. She swallowed hard.

"You know, you're not the first girl that's done this to me—I'm no stranger to being treated this way; but I'm not going to lie, if you can't handle what you put yourself into, then you should have never put yourself in this situation."

"I thought I could handle it!" She replied quietly in a harsh whisper. "I thought I was doing exactly what I needed and wanted to do, okay?"

"Yeah, but the second any of your friends know about it, you shut down? Own up to it."

"I am."

He shook his head at her confirmation, and she sat back wards.

"You know, I'm sorry—I just.. I didn't mean to."

"You didn't mean to kiss me, unzip my pants, t-" "Don't be so crude!" she interrupted immediately, and watched his face fall into stoicism. Lack of sleep did not look well on Gary Oak, she could see the thread of his patience running thin. Then, he relaxed, and crossed his arms to sit back.

"I knew what I was getting into. I don't deserve to be mad." Gary resigned, closing his eyes to calm himself down.

"Yes you do." Dawn muttered quietly, looking down. She could no longer meet his eyes. "I'm sorry, Gary."

"You should be." Gary responded immediately, and she fought the urge to scowl. "But don't beat yourself up about it, Dawn. I agreed to this arrangement, after all. I was the one who followed you after you left Ecruteak City, even though I didn't have to—and you didn't ask. This was a mutual understanding and agreement. I'm not mad, but I'm worried. So is Harrison."

"You sounded pretty mad. You should be mad. You should-" she argued, and Gary shrugged.

"I am, a little, but I'm also not going to force you into anything. I'm still going to hold up my end of the bargain-but I gotta know, Dawn—what really happened last night? You were hysterical."

Dawn bit down on her lip, staring up at him as a doe would headlights. Part of her wanted to tell him that she was mad at herself—disappointed, angry. Full of a slew of mixed emotions she couldn't begin to understand, but most importantly, that she felt guilty. First for Paul, and now Gary. She looked away, and knew the words wouldn't come. Gary stepped off his chair to press forward for information, but as he did, Brock rushed back in.

"It's great news, guys!" Brock ran in and Gary looked to him as if he wanted to throat punch him. "May's on her way here!"

Both eyebrows rose as Brock tried desperately to raise their moods, but it only made Dawn flustered and sick to her stomach. She laid her head down on the table and exhaled angrily. Gary rubbed his hair.

"Perfect timing."

XOX

May wouldn't arrive until the after noon; they still had a whole morning to burn, as Brock put it. Against their will, and in the spirit of wanting to apologize to the two of them, he decided to give them the tour of Goldenrod, with enough nostalgia it could kill them. Shop to shop, school to school, and street to street, they were dragged around for the better part of the morning.

Dawn was dressed and prepared for summer in her black tanktop and pink short-shorts, but Gary behind his black sunglasses, looked prepared for a heat stroke; sleep deprived and wearing jeans and a collared shirt—it should have been criminal for the Johto region to have cold nights and hot days. Dawn and Brock both tried to warn him, but in his soured mood since that morning, he did not listen. Brock wore long shorts and a vacation tee-shirt to match his binoculars and flip flops.

Brock was having the time of his life, but Gary and Dawn had somehow reverted to being ten years old again. Dawn was interested more in how she would win in the contest in her current frame of mind, and how to get out of it as quickly as possible; and Gary tried to take every opportunity he could to flee from the two of them.

Construction had changed the city drastically; large sky scrapers were in place of short, squatty buildings, and the university that Brock was training at was nearly three sizes larger than her last visit—plus, the contest hall that they barely saw in passing was huge. Apparently, Goldenrod was responsible for this quarters grand festival, and they were going all out; Dawn wanted to go so bad, but Brock held her back. Refused to let either of them work.

"See, this is where I spend most of my time." Brock lead them onto campus, and gestured to a pokemon center at the center. "There's more than nurse Joy's in there—but..." He twiddled his fingers, and Dawn knew without him saying it that people didn't talk to him much because of his loose tongue. A shame, Brock was a great guy.

"Well, maybe if you'd try to approach a girl without blatantly hitting on her?" Case and point, he was currently containing a gush about a girl approaching the center, and pouted at Dawn.

"But I can't! They need to know how gorgeous they are and my undying love for them."

"...You mean, your undying love for all of them?"

"Yes! It's not impossible to love more than one person, my heart belongs to every girl! It wouldn't be fair for only one person to-" As he rambled onto one of his speeches, Gary eyed Dawn.

"Please tell me you would have never-"

"Don't you even finish that thought." Dawn shuddered, glaring up at Gary. "I picked you because I thought that I could like you."

"But you told me you didn't want a relationship."

"...I...I don't." She muttered quietly, looking very sad once again—and Gary feeling mixed up about it, he interjected Brock's speech.

"You're a pervert."

"W-h-a-t!" Brock gasped. "I am not! A pervert is someone that acts on disgusting needs to fulfill them! I simply appreciate how hard ladies try!"

"Okay, you're not a pervert." Gary corrected himself, but he was smirking. "But you come off as one."

The phrase sunk Brock's ship, and he dramatically fell to the ground, and both Dawn and Gary took several steps back to detach from the man who was growing metaphoric mushrooms in his depressed state.

"You went too far, Gary." Dawn scolded him.

"What?" He gasped, accusatory. "He has good ideas, bad delivery."

Dawn rolled her eyes, and crossed her arms. "Then how would you help him?"

Gary adjusted his glasses, and turned with a wave of his hand. "I wouldn't. You can't teach cool."

"Right because that was sooo cool!" she shouted at him, though a blush had covered her cheeks and she huffed watching Brock once again. Then, she realized what had happened.

"H-hey! Wait up! Don't leave me here!"

XOX

Dawn almost immediately lost track of the auburn haired man. Gary knew the Johto streets better than she did, mostly because his field work took him all over—and he competed in the actual Silver Conference. He turned, disappeared into a crowd, and Dawn was swept up in it until reaching the downtown district. Lost, and without her friends.

"Darn it!" She whined, looking around, she jumped onto one of the benches on the sidewalk and latched onto a light post to get a better view of her surroundings. She shouldn't have left Brock—he was probably worried about them.

She hopped down, let her head fall backwards onto the back of the bench, and rubbed her face tiredly. The moment she sat forward, piplup emerged from his ball, yawning, and looking around.

"Piplup pip?" The bird asked, climbing up onto the bench next to his trainer and sniffing the air. He could smell the many different kinds of food carts on the side of the street, but Dawn held him in place.

"No, piplup, we're just a little lost!" She whined, and the bird sat back, pouting. How dare she not feed him? "I didn't bring my wallet."

"Piiip lup."

"No we will not steal it!" Dawn growled, throwing her arms up. People looked at her in passing, and muttered under their breath, but she paid them no attention as she slumped down to glare at the bird once more.

"We'll just wait here for the crowd to thin, and follow the signs to the contestant hall. That'll be fun, right? Our own little adventure." Dawn sighed because as she looked over, she saw piplup running to a food stand, and waited behind the server for him to drop some food.

"You act like I starve you!" She shouted, as she grabbed piplup and forced him under her arm and started to walk with his squirming. A part of her wanted to ask her long time companion what he thought about her situation, but the pokemon was still a large child in comparison to the likes of pikachu, who probably had a lot of wise words to say for her current situation; instead, her pokemon-child wiggled until he was tired. Soon after, he reluctantly started to walk beside her when they left the downtown area—now, more interested in their surroundings, he turned every trash pile into fun.

Dawn, however, was caught up in her thoughts. Maybe when May got into town, she could ask for a second opinion, about everything. Then again, the last time she checked, May was dealing with demons of her own caliber; maybe if she was better, Dawn would ask—but she needed an answer now. Dawn hated waiting!

When she dug out her cellphone, piplup filled her with questions—since he knew right away her distraught. She could put on brave faces in front of Brock and Gary once again, but until she truly fixed this, she would forever be repeating her mistakes.

What should I do, she wanted to ask someone—anyone, but knew it came with the price of her secrets being put in the spotlight, and the risk of letting the world know what she had done. It wasn't the nature of what she did—but who she did it to. She abandoned Paul, for a chance with Gary that she clearly outlined as beneficial, and nothing more. She didn't even know what she wanted anymore—and she hadn't in months!

She marked Ash off the list immediately—simply because he would punch Gary in the nose and blame Paul. It wasn't their fault she had the emotional control of a pea, plus she knew that Gary and Ash were finally getting along, and didn't want to be the wedge between them. Zoey was out simply because she had a big mouth—half of the Sinnoh region would know in an hour if she relayed any information to her. Next, was unfortunately, Gary's number. Part of her still wanted to explain the full story—but it was no longer fair. She should have done that before taking advantage of him, now, her words might have felt like swords, even if he said he wasn't mad—she knew that he was.

After all, he was still human, and any human would have been pissed.

However, sometimes it was easier to talk to someone she hardly knew at all—and Misty's name glared back at her. Dawn had already asked the woman for help before, under the advice given to her by Gary, and it was Misty's words that gave her the strength to turn Paul away. Only now, Dawn wished she had talked with Paul a little bit—regardless of his behavior before the event...during he seemed so...

Dawn refused to recall anything about that night, otherwise she might break down again. She quickly dialed the number.

"Misty speaking." She answered so quickly, so abrupt, Dawn felt a chill down her spine and a prickle of worry—would Misty judge her?

"H-hey." Dawn sputtered.

"Dawn?" Her voice was so distant, but Dawn thought maybe she was busy with gym duties, her mind occupied.

"Yeah, it's me. How are you?"

Misty didn't respond right away, perhaps she was having a bad day, after all?

"Eh, been better. Yourself?" Her words slurred, and Dawn heard shifting behind the line that made her hair stand on end when she replied.

"Oh...you know, the usual. Guy problems..."

Now she snorted, and giggled, and sounded—well—drunk. "Are you alright, Misty?"

"Me? Oh, I'm great." So much sarcasm delivered in one phrase should have been illegal. Dawn held her breath, waiting for an elaboration, but the redhead offered none.

"Did you and Ash get into a fight?"

Again, laughter, and this time, a lot of it. Hinged on what sounded like a strangled, painful sigh, and frantic brushing of her hair.

"So what are your guy problems?" Misty changed the subject quickly, and Dawn knew that she had made a mistake calling anyone—this was her problem she needed to find a solution for it by herself. No one could bail her out of this one.

"Uhh, yeah, you know, I think I solved it." She lied, for Misty's sake.

"Hmmm... You're a terrible liar."

"I am not!" Dawn shrieked immediately. Misty snorted again.

"Whatever it is, just follow your gut, Dawn. You're going to make mistakes, you should make them. Just...don't hurt anyone in the process." too late Dawn wanted to say, but swallowed instead.

"Yeah but-" Dawn started, but stopped immediately upon the flash of purple hair that she would recognize anywhere. Her eyes went wide, staring into the distant crowd as a man teetering well above six foot passed through, scowling but focused.

"-I'll actually call you back." and before Misty could argue, Dawn ended the call and was on her feet, keeping out of eye shot.

She knew that hair anywhere, that annoying scowl anywhere. It was Paul. Paul was in Goldenrod City, but last she checked, he was supposed to be competing the Hoenn Region's pokemon league—unless he already beat it? Now that she thought of it, she hadn't kept up with the news.

Heart racing, and a spring in her step, she kept to the shadows, watching as he cruised through crowds of people. Without shoving. Clearly he had a destination she wasn't aware of, more frustrating than that, if her voice wasn't caught at the back of her throat in fear, she would have called out to him—instead, she stalked him around the edge of town, until she realized where they were heading.

Back to the contest hall.

Why would Paul go there?

His face still stoic and unimpressed, he walked along quiet cobblestone paths, through tall trees, and arrived where Dawn and Brock were only an hour ago. Immediately, his progress stopped when the hall came into view, and he stuffed his hands into his pockets. Dawn couldn't see his face, as she was ducked behind a tree a few feet away—but even then, he hadn't noticed her. He always noticed her before, the black bags under his eyes she saw earlier must have been a large indication of unrest.

Dawn thought he gazed at the hall far longer than normal, and finally after swearing at himself, he twisted, and nearly saw her.

Dawn fell into the forest floor, scratching her knees on the fallen branches in her attempt to avoid being spotted—only for her floundering mistake to draw more attention to herself. Crouched behind the bush, she heard Paul's deafening footfalls, and knew that she had lost this game. She would need to explain herself, apologize frantically, all the while still feeling upset at him, excited that he was here, and ready to run away the first moment of contact—however, she was saved.

"What're you doing here?" Gary's voice. She had never been more happy to hear Gary's voice. Paul's foot steps immediately stopped, and Dawn gathered the strength to peer through the cracks in the bush. Gary had his hands in his pockets, not unlike Paul, but wore an expression of confusion, less apprehension.

Paul didn't seem to understand the accusation, but recognized Gary from his connection to Ash. "You're Oak's grandson, aren't you?"
"I am." Gary responded smoothly, "And you're Paul, if I remember correctly. Last I checked you were competing in the Hoenn region, what brought you here?"

"Why, do you own this city?" Paul snorted, but let the aggression die. "I won the league."

Gary's face twitched—jealousy?

"Great, congratulations." Gary forced a small smile that gave Dawn chills as she gnawed on her finger nails.

"Did you need something else?" Paul asked spitefully, and she thought she saw the temptation to retaliate in Gary's eye, but under his trained guise, he only held his smile.

"No. I was just curious to see you walking on the most known route to a contest hall—you thinking of competing now that you've become a champion?"

Now Paul's face fell, his stoic expression replaced with some rage. "No, I took a wrong turn."

Liar, Dawn thought, Paul had better instinctive directional skills than a pokemon. Plus, she followed him here, he knew where he was going.

"Really?" Gary smirked, Dawn knew he didn't believe Paul, either. "And...it wasn't because of a blue-haired coordinator?"

Paul scoffed, and rolled his shoulders, broke character and gave the entire emotion away. Dawn covered her mouth to contain her gasp, the possible crawl of a faint blush, and dare she feel it—the elation floating around in her chest.

"Pfft. Why would I want to see her?"

"You tell me." Gary snapped immediately, offering no room of leniency.

"You know, you and your family are-"

"Hey, Gary!" Brock called, "I can't believe you two ditched me! I saw you coming up here, is Daw—oh, hey Paul."

Dawn nearly fell flat onto the ground—Brock, you imbecile! How could it be humanly possible to have as much poor timing as Brock did and still be alive?! Gary, however, did not flinch as much as Paul did.

Brock was Dawn's best friend, at least, one of them, and Paul had clearly done something that would enrage Brock—because he started shuffling forward—fleeing the scene.

"What are you doing here? Did you want to see Dawn complete?" Brock asked innocently, holding two large bags of groceries. He obviously had to worry about feeding May, and would hold nothing back. Paul hesitated once, then twice, and without sparing a reply, he rushed away from the duo, a dark cloud lumbering over his head.

"Jeeze, he's always such a jerk. You would think after this long, he would have opened up a little." Brock grumbled to Gary, who had quirked one eyebrow, then looked directly at Dawn's eyes, who were wide behind the bush.

"Come out, Dawn."

She squeaked, clamped her mouth shut, and didn't move. Brock laughed at Gary's accusation. When she didn't move, he sighed and tried again, finding humor in her shyness.

"I saw you follow Paul in this direction. I know you're hiding over there."

Dawn piped up a second later, face scarlet, chest puffed out, arms at her side, and a twig in her hair.

"You followed me?"

"I called your name and you didn't stop." Gary stuffed his hands coolly into his pocket, and turned away from her with his shoulders high. She didn't help but think he was lying about calling her name.

"I was—I was!" She started, but Brock didn't seem to care.

"She used to do that a lot in Sinnoh, too, because Paul wouldn't acknowledge her. She really hated that."

"Really?" Gary inquired, smirking. Dawn followed after them, the black hole in her chest lessening with each joke they passed at her expense. Brock didn't need the details to know that he needed to fix something to remove the awkward tension that formed around Dawn and Gary.

"Oh, yeah, and she tried to physically fight him, too. It took both Ash and I to restrain her."

"He probably deserved it."

"Oh, and this-"

"Shut up, Brock!" Dawn shrieked, and for a little while, they were just a small group of sort-of friends, laughing at each other.

XOX

Brock was preparing a feast. May was set to arrive any minute, and after they returned from their walk around town, the disdain between Dawn and Gary returned while they both sat on the scarred couch. Every so often, Brock peeked in to make sure that they were keeping their hormones in check, but while Gary flipped through channels and she thumbed through her pokedex, she did not think Brock had anything to worry about.

Eventually, Gary stopped on league battles, this one in particular resembling a match that earned Ash the victory in Kalos region, what was worse though, was how quickly Dawn became uncomfortable with the current battler—this was a rerun of Paul's winning match, and while she wanted to watch it, she felt so terrible doing so with Gary in the room. She felt horrible in general, since she was still convinced she was supposed to dislike everything about Paul Shinji.

Gary waited a few beats before finally turning the television off, and staring at Dawn, who tapped her fingers faster, and more quietly across the surface of her pokedex. His cold eyes never left her.

"We should talk."

"I'm okay." Dawn deflected, surprised when Gary laced his fingers around her upper arm, sending electricity through her entire body.

"I insist." he urged politely, and Dawn forced her gaze to his. Reminding herself that she owed him at least this. A least a little bit.

"Brock, Gary and I are going to grab a strawberry upside down cake—they're May's favorite."

"Wha-" Brock shouted, peering through the kitchen doors to see both of them standing innocently, steps away from each other. He thought about it a few times, then as if settling into some form of quiet acceptance, he nodded. After all, he didn't want another fiasco like last night to occur.

"Alright, pick up icing sugar, too."

"Will do." Dawn laughed, then lead Gary out of the apartment, through the few steps that lead up and around the building, and then quietly out the pass-coded front door, until the sting of summer hit their skin, and they were tromping through the park outside of Brock's house. Dawn sucked in a breath, but Gary beat her to the topic.

"We shouldn't do this anymore."

Dawn felt horror creep down her back, and into her gut at his words. She hid her nose in her scarf, despite the heat. "...Yeah." but it wasn't confident.

"We agreed when we started this—that this was strictly for pleasure. No emotions, no strings attached. Clearly we've both become some-what inebriated in our efforts, and it's just better if we don't." Rather than agree, Dawn said:

"You've had to say this to someone before, haven't you?" Dawn quizzed, stopping to look up at him. He looked overly offended—something she would have to get used to.

"Yeah."

A simple reply, no explanation needed, only now, she truly wondered how many times Gary had been in this kind of relationship, with who, and how he could stand feeling this way about anyone.

"Sorry. I know I was the one who said not to get emotionally attached, too." Her eyes hit the floor, and she stopped walking, her shoulders rising. Gary shrugged.

"Well, you didn't." He responded, and the shock forming in her chest made her knees weak. It was—had to be—the worst confession she ever heard. To diminish her own feelings in favor of his own. How terribly...correct.

She couldn't meet his eyes anymore. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." and his voice seemed vigorous, a little elated. "I'm the king of unrequited feelings. You get used to it after awhile."

"That's not-" She inhaled. "I like you."

"No you don't." Gary shook his head, offering a smile. She hated that he wasn't mad about this, Paul would have been mad! It only reinforced her belief that her feelings for Paul were stupid, and unreasonable and somehow so magnetic. She was stupid!

"Yes, I do!" She argued aloud, glowering at him. He blinked in surprise. "I just—you never let me explain!"

"You don't have to lie, Dawn, it's pretty clear! You're making yourself crazy!" Gary shot without raising his voice, but Dawn was past self-control.

"I don't want you to leave!"

At this point, he was frustrated, pulling on his hair, and looking desperately at her. This was the first time they had really talked about their feelings, or what was becoming of their friendship and it wasn't going too well. He thought when this moment happened, they would say their goodbyes, Gary would be sad for a few days, but they would both move on. Gary always moved on; and there for awhile, Dawn thought she could, too. Hell, he thought Dawn could. She had such a presence around her—if he knew this was going to effect her the way that it has he would have never...

"What do you want, Dawn?"

For once, she had no answer. He asked this before, and she kissed him. That didn't sooth the rage in her chest, the flutter in her stomach, or the white noise in her head. Kissing him didn't clear the fog, but it separated it for a little while. He was her temporary fix, but more importantly, he was her friend, and she had been a bad one.

"...I..." she breathed, wounded. "I...I don't know, but I don't want you to go."

"Spending these last few weeks with you was a lot of fun. I might, I was—I am- upset over Paul—and I acted on impulse but I thought that it would make us feel better...and I just wanted to feel something and it turned into this big mess... But I don't want to lose you, either, Gary. You're my friend, despite what you may think."

Gary blinked a hundred times before exhaling, leaning his head back, and closing the distance between them. He cupped her chin, her face sparked from the touch, trickling a red blush from every finger tip. His eyelids lowered, he parted his lips to say something that fell on deaf ears—after all, her heart pounded so loudly she couldn't hear.

"G-gary." Dawn groaned seconds before his lips touched hers; so oddly soft, and comfortable. How the tables had turned drastically from their first kiss. Her eyes shut naturally, her body alive with every touch from his—and she realized seconds as he pulled away, it was simply...

"Lust." Gary hummed, running his thumb over her bottom lip to brush away the tiniest bit of saliva, and then his heat was gone, leaving her winded.

"Lust?" She whined, blinking.

Gary raised his hand, then cocked his head to one side, he could fake his concern, pretend like he wasn't offended—but he so clearly was. "You have a type."

But before she could argue with him, urge him not to go, he left. Her breath was still caught in her throat when she shouted incoherently at him, and fell to her knees.

XOX

A type, nonsense! Dawn wasn't...she didn't... Gary walked her back to Brock's after that—and they in no uncertain terms agreed to stop their charades. After this meeting with May, Gary promised to return to Ecruteak City, and wouldn't breath a word of this to anyone else, especially not Ash. Dawn agreed reluctantly. They probably needed time apart, and she couldn't selfishly ask him not to go, especially if she could offer him nothing after this hurricane. After May's visit, they would both talk with Brock, and work out the kinks there.

Dawn brooded as she watched Gary from the kitchen, while Brock talked about school, and his internship. He flipped rice balls, formed them carefully, and stuffed them with several different jellies—and Dawn sulked.

Mostly because Gary was literally going to leave. He told her that by the end of the day, he would have found their solution.

Didn't mean she liked it. She was tired of the solution being run away, couldn't they work something out? After all, she hadn't been lying. She wanted a friend. Someone that was understood what she was going through, and would still be there despite the coming changes in their lives. Surely, she was the one that had misstep, Gary tagged along, he was partially to blame—to simply abandon her after so long was... Dawn sighed, and put her head down on the table. No, she couldn't have everything, every one. Gary needed to go, for a little while.

"Wanna talk about it?" Brock finally asked, tearing through her confusion.

"No. Nothing to talk about." She pursed her lips, plucking a few stray rice off the table. "Brock, have you ever been in love?"

"Me?" Brock sat down, flabbergasted, his moment had finally come. "You're asking me if I have ever been in love?"
Dawn sat up, and nodded very slowly, knowing that Gary wouldn't be listening. "Yes."

"Well, Dawnie, no one has ever asked me that before—but...no, I haven't. I mean, not really." he rubbed the back of his neck. "I hate to say this, but if you want relationship advice, I'm the last person you should ask-"

"I don't." Dawn huffed. "Relationship advice, that is. I don't want it. I just..." she fumbled. "Tell me what I'm supposed to do."

Brock had no clue what to tell her, he couldn't tell her that she was wrong. After all, she could make her own decisions, and he wasn't judging her. Worried, yes, judging, never. Brock couldn't tell her to leap, or sit still, or forget about everything—because for once, he didn't know. Dawn's case was personal.

"What do your instincts tell you to do?" She really wished people would stop asking her that, because her instincts were what got her here in the first place!

At that moment, a knock came to the door, and all eyes and ears where in focus.

May had arrived.

Author's Note:

I wrote and rewrote this so much, and you know what? I'm not changing it anymore. XD

This chapter might have felt a little repetitive in some sections, but I wanted to hit the nail on the head that Dawn is confused and under some heavy realization on her part that she's not being honest with herself. Gary isn't mad at her, because after all he knew what he was getting into; it was mutual, at the start. He can't be mad, what he is mad about is her inability to decide. Brock's just trying to be the best big brother he can be.

Something that is important to realize is that Dawn is not the 'heartbroken' but she is the 'heartbreaker' (Which opens a whole different can of coping with her issues ) she had Paul in an area to apologize after making him comfortable enough to do so, and she ran away from him. She denies that she's hung up on relationships, and yet she keeps going back to that. She's also not the kind of person that lingers on her faults, and that seems like all she can do "She doesn't recognize herself" because she isn't being herself. So, for all the people reviewing that they like Paul, I do, too, he just has to work on some stuff (like I said before) And he is far from done in this story.

If you're feeling ikarishipping zapped from these last chapters I'm sorry. Bare with me.

Good luck, see you soon, maybe?
NINT

Update 2 of 4