Equanimity, Chapter 28
Stepping back onto the rocky shores of the Hoenn region's boat dock just outside of Petalburg city, the salty air seeped into May's skin. She had promised to give Serena a walk through of the region before leaving for Johto in the week following their arrival, but given May's mindset and newfound determination, Serena let her off the hook early. Together, they stood at the boat dock while May pieced together her luggage. She had a small fanny pack that she wore around her waist—very practical—she argued, and a small satchel over her shoulder.
"Thanks again for—" May stopped, guilty. She half-smiled. "If you need anything-just-"
With a sigh, Serena interrupted with her hands up.
"It's okay, May. I'm sure I'll do fine here! A new adventure, all on my own!" Serena chirped loudly, staring at the boat that would whisk May back into the fold of tournaments and competitions.
While the blonde and blue-eyed girl beside her seemed pleasantly optimistic, May, who had four years of experience over Serena, was feeling less confident.
"You ever feel like you had a good idea, but it blew up in your face?"
Serena's lips drew to a flat line, staring at May's face in response to her rhetorical question. Serena, in the last six months, had a few 'good' ideas blow up in her face. Trying to repeat the Pokemon Showcases that she had been in for a year, only to drop them half-way because she wasn't able to cope with her former-crush and ex-boyfriend being in a mile radius of her at any sort event. Yet, Serena bit her tongue and offered a cute smile for May, whose eyes had not left the dock.
"We all have, May. Just don't let it get you down. You'll pull through."
"I hope so." May muttered, finally tearing her deep blue eyes away to wink at Serena, and toss an over the shoulder hug her way.
"Ya' know, if I come back here, we could travel together?"
"As much fun as that sounds," Serena peeled May's friendly hand off her shoulder and took a step back. "I kind of want to do this alone."
May inhaled, but knew that feeling. Sometimes, to figure out the secrets of life, one had to be all alone.
"Suit yourself." her eyes drifted to the shore, and as the whistle blew, she raised her hand, and started down the path, shouting up at Serena.
"Remember, if you have any questions, you can always call—if you need a place to stay, call my parents! Good luck Serena!"
Without looking back, May crossed the threshold of boardwalk, and entered up the ramp of the large carrier vessel and disappeared into the darkness. Serena waited until the boat moved from the dock before heading back into the city, wishing her short-time friend the best of luck. Though she was also certain that the next time she saw the brunette, it would be for much greater things.
XOX
May was a nervous wreck; anxious and excited—the same way she had felt right before her first pokemon contest.
Funny enough, if someone had asked her what she would be doing shy of eighteen, she would have never said pokemon contests. No, May was an entrepreneur of ideas: she wanted to be a researcher, a traveler, a television news anchor—she wanted to be a pokemon ranger, a pilot, and on her best days, she wanted to have her own film squad and camera crew, and travel the world looking for exciting places! What she got instead, was a raven-haired boy with bad luck, and an ensemble of legendary pokemon and nature. May had four amazing rivals: Drew, Harley, Dawn, and Brianna, that she could compete with—share her anger and adrenaline with. She found the sweetest team of pokemon that she never envisioned in her life, and she found passion in a hobby she once made fun of.
Why would anyone train pokemon?
Something that May once rejoiced in humor of, was now the light of her life. May spent the better part of her childhood and teenage years running after pokemon, fighting for pokemon, and enrolling in a million different contests to show them off because she wanted to show the world how amazing they were in beauty and power.
Returning home, to lay in her old bedroom, was the straw that broke the back. For awhile, she struggled to come to the realization of the core of her issues, more so; she was terrified to find that it was nothing.
For so long, she believed that the dreams and aspirations she had as a child fell short. She wanted to travel the world and explore all places—she wanted to believe in herself, and find parts of the world that no one else ever had. Once she started training pokemon, she not only wanted to defeat all of her rivals—but she also wanted to become a great top-coordinator.
However, as the chance of that actually happening drew closer—May got cold feet.
What would happen when she won? When she finally realized her dream? Before six months ago, May never thought about what happened next, and how it would change her life. When it was just her, Max, and Drew, she never thought more than about the next battle, about the next adventure, let alone about the future—then finally when she saw what it could do.
She panicked.
Seeing Ash, her first and longest traveling companion, and friend, in the cross roads of confusion all because he won the league tournament was like watching herself be skinned alive. Confused at first of the feelings of panic, she thought it was from the kiss shared between Serena and Ash at his final victory, but later, May realized, it was because of what happened next.
May watched Ash, a shell of his former self, talk with his friends, battle with his pokemon, and settle down into a boring life. After his party and the great rescue of their companions from the hands of Team Rocket, she watched him until the end of the road—the moment he returned from the Pallet Town Train station to his house, where he subtly sulked around the house, attempting to entertain Iris and Cilan. The light left his eyes.
For once, May never had purpose outside of her contests. If she wasn't competing, what was she? She was expected to return to Hoenn to conquer the competitions, but then stopped while shaking in her boots. Would she, like Ash, who she was so much alike, be doomed to the same fate?
I hate it. Ash told her about his job as a champion. She laughed, played off his comment and smiled like she had to, but it hurt. He reached the top, and he crashed.
Disappointment, anger, sadness or some terrible blend of all three brought her to stalemate, and pulled her out. She and Ash were a like in many ways, but May was not as easily broken; she couldn't stop in fear of what was next, and she would never run away before achieving her dreams. She had to stop running away. May had to look past her former mentor's behavior to seek out her own place as a trainer, like she should have when they parted ways so many years ago. She, like Ash, ran so fast to her goals, she never thought to consider what happened after—however, unlike Ash. May's story would be different.
"You have arrived at Golden Rod City, please be careful while exiting the dock" May's eyes gleamed, her face full of vigor and determination at the end of the announcement, and she rose with her eyes on fire.
XOX
Drew hated when she called unsuspectingly.
"Honestly, that girl..." the green haired man muttered while looking at his phone. Her last message read only:
"I know you just finished your last contest in Ecruteak City—meet me at Goldenrod Dock at noon."
Only, when she sent that to him, it was half past midnight, and he had to take the midnight train to Goldenrod. He had no idea she was in the Johto region, let alone wanting to visit him. Last he recalled, she was in the Kalos region, breaking his heart by going without him—and figuring out what she was doing wrong in her life. Drew had been more than understanding of her many different mood-swings since Ash Ketchum's celebration party, an explanation was all he wanted now.
Drew's mouth went dry at the thought of the brainless Ketchum. Ash had never really done anything wrong, he had been more than supportive of Drew and May, the latter especially. However, it never sat right with him, their relationship. May looked up to him blindly as a support system, and Drew hated that.
Well, he didn't hate it, but Ash rubbed him the wrong way; always doing more damage than good, but since he was the hero type, everyone forgave him for his short-comings without failure. Drew stuffed his hands into his pockets and looked up, waiting for the boat to dock. He wasn't even aware of a boat arriving at noon, and since his travels kept him up all night, he wasn't feeling the most determined either. He craned his neck to one side, and collapsed on the bench next to the dock and yawned; if she was really coming, then she would wake him up, right?
XOX
Four months was long enough time apart. May missed Drew, but she missed the thrill of battle and victory more. Stepping off the platform that extended, she blocked the high sun from her eyes and followed the rest of the passengers as they unloaded. Gabbing travelers bickered about the bumpy ride, they complained about the boat, about the food, and all May could see was a slumped body beside the railing with bright green hair. A grin crossed her lips, and she practically flung people out of her way as she approached the sleeping male.
Even when sleeping, he was graceful, unlike her; she tended to drool all over the pillow and flail her arms everywhere.
She slid in smoothly, wiggling her fingers onto his cheek to give a light pinch.
"Did you miss me?" She whispered, to find that he didn't wake. She sat back, lips pursed and eyes narrowed. She poked his rib cage harder.
"Drew. Wake up." May whined insistently, poking him three more times, only, he still did not budge.
"C'mon, we don't have all day!" She finally half-shouted, drawing some attention to their location—and still, he didn't move. With a huff, she threw up her arms and stood up to circle around the back of the bench; clearly missing his smirk.
"I will leave you here, sleepy."
"I never leave you when you fall asleep on park benches." he tossed right back at her, though the gasp that left her voice he wasn't expecting.
Arms flung around his neck in seconds, choking him with her grip and curling her fingers into his back.
"Oh, Drew. It's so good to see you!" he fought the urge to roll his eyes at her shrill, excited voice upon recognition that he was awake. Instead, a smile curled over his lips and he squeezed her back affectionately. They stayed that way for awhile, until their hug turned into a competition of squeezing one another—a contest May always won.
"Alright, uncle, uncle." Drew fought to breath as he released her and they separated. Her broad smile robbed him of the breath that he had left, and he turned away from her awkwardly. Only a few months away from each other, and it felt like they hadn't seen one another in years.
"So~" She sung, approaching him and nudging his shoulder. "Did you miss me?"
He thought to deny it, thought to retort sarcastically—but then finally settled with a turn of his head, and a dip that pressed a kiss gently against her lips. With his hands stuffed into his pockets, he was leaned over her for only a few seconds before stepping away with a smirk of his own at her beet-red face.
"Not in public, Drew!" May stuttered, shoving him on the shoulder, though he only found laughter in her response.
"Of course I missed you." He finally responded, though she had already brushed past him, face bright red as they marched in harmony to their destination.
After a bit of a walk, and catching up with one another about current life events, most involving May's unapologetic amount of time spent watching cheesy romance movies while curled up in a ball under her covers, and Drew admitting to staring in a fitness work-out video. Within the first hour, they were back into the groove of their usual companionship. Having adjusted to each other once more, they decided to have a quick lunch, and pick up the rest of the pieces.
"So are you back to stay, or are you back temporarily?" Drew asked while May scarfed down a number of different food choices.
"Hopefully to stay, but I gotta go back to Hoenn to finish competing there."
"You're going to compete again?" He shouldn't have sounded as surprised as he was, but he was terrible at masking it. May shrugged in response.
"Yes! Of course." She exclaimed with food on her cheeks. "I have to become a top-coordinator!"
Happy as he was, he started to fidget. "That's...that's great, you know. I'm always supportive of you but—err-where did this come from?"
"Oh, you know. It's like I said, I went home, sulked for a number of days, caught up with all my old school friends, ate through the house once, told my parents about us, relaxed with my pokemon, flew to Kalos, saw Max get wrecked in a tournament and experienced how miserable the rest of the world is."
His eyes shifted as she continued to eat. Drew pulled on his collar. "...O-okay?"
"I don't want to be miserable." She set her fork down beside her napkin, and inhaled before speaking.
"Ash finally won, you know? And he fell on his face. Of everyone, Ash was the only one who succeeded—and success hasn't been friendly. It spooked me. We both got into relationships at the same time, and I don't know if you know this, but Ash and I are a lot alike, and I know I don't always think about the future but there for awhile...I guess I froze. Wanted to do something else just because I was scared that what I've been working on the last eight years isn't what I really want."
Drew's sardonic face fell, replaced with sympathy and understanding. His eyelids lowered and he nodded to May, who followed by exhaling the breath she was holding.
"But when I was in Kalos...I finally realized... I realized so what? If being a top-coordinator isn't what I want, then who says I have to stop there? I could become a pokemon battler—or a judge, or even an Elite Four member—the first top-coordinator elite four member. Just because it didn't work for Ash, doesn't meant it won't for me."
May sat back quietly after her rant.
"...Who's to say obtaining your dream is the last step?"
"I agree." Drew confirmed confidently. May blinked away moisture from her eyes and gazed at him.
"If you get to be a top-coordinator and hate it, do something else. You've always wanted to travel the world, take a break and go see it. You don't have to be a trainer to train pokemon; you don't have to be a coordinator to understand their beauty, either. But you shouldn't stop because you're scared of what is next. May, you're more than just a coordinator—you're amazing."
A pause followed as they shared a look that brought a blush to Drew's face, nervously looking away from her bright eyes. In the midst of his response, his hand found hers on the table, but separated once they made eye contact.
"Thank you, Drew." she mouthed quietly, a huge smile across her face. In response, his heart pounded against his rib cage, and he cleared his throat.
"So it's great that you've finally...realized, I guess—but why are where here in Goldenrod?"
"Because there's one more person I have to beat."
Drew looked down at his mug of coffee, realizing right away that the other person was the same person he yelled at only a few weeks ago to get her act together: Dawn Matthews. He saw his reflection in his cup, thinking of the awkward confrontation they would experience because of his temperament until he heard May start in on her fourth plate.
"Wait, you told your parents about us?" Panic flooded his voice as May shoved half a pancake into her mouth, blatantly ignoring his question.
XOX
Dawn checked her problems at the door the very moment she saw May. It was easy, a trait she developed years ago. Work and personal lives were separate—and today, her work life was smiling at May in the most affectionate way possible. Drew, who stood beside her looked almost sick, strange for the usually pristine coordinator.
"Dawn! It's great to see you." May hugged Dawn, walking in without an invitation to greet Brock and Gary. Drew lingered at the door and Dawn made awkward eye contact with him.
"Don't mind Drew—he doesn't handle parental pressure well."
"Yes! He gets to meet the parents!" Brock cheered from the back of the kitchen, throwing up his arms. Apparently, everyone but Drew seemed fairly excited about it.
"Have you met her parents?" Drew asked. "I saw them once when we were traveling together and it was bad then. How do you think Norman will react now that I'm officially dating his daughter? I'm a dead man! A dead man walking!"
"That's a little dramatic, don't you think?" Dawn whispered to May who shook her head.
"Nope, my dad will probably give him a run for his money." She laughed so innocently as she took a seat on Brock's living room chair, perpendicular to Gary, who had only taken his nose out of his book long enough to wave at them.
"So, the group's all here." May put her hands together, but noticed the abnormality immediately.
"Oh, hi, Gary. I didn't know you were in town." She pointed to Brock who shook his head, and like clockwork, the tension was back, and suffocating more than ever.
Gary's dark eyes slivered slowly from the pages of his book, to the ground, then to May, without an ounce of care.
"Been following up on a lead." He spoke clearly, as the young Oak always did.
Without further question, May moved onto her next topic while Gary shot Dawn a look of disdain and slight disappointment that she shrugged off apologetically.
"I've watched a lot of your matches, Dawn—especially on my way back from Kalos. You've gotten really good!"
Dawn blushed, and rubbed the back of her neck. "You think so? I have been practicing my routines a lot more... It's not really a big deal."
"Don't be so modest." May said smoothly. "You've had perfect scores during your last four contests. You seem really focused. The other contestants must be getting scared."
"Yeah, well, when you battle against a lot of teenagers, it does get a bit easier."
"So do you think the competition is just getting weaker?"
"Wha—No, I just mean..."
"You're getting better?"
"Well, of course, I've been working at this for over seven years now." Dawn pouted while crossing her arms over her chest. It felt more like May was giving her the third degree, less of a compliment.
"I guess that's true... And you've had a ton of experience from modeling and shows..." May's eyes drifted as she trailed off, pursing her lips and looking out the window—by this point, an already flustered Dawn finally put her foot down.
"Yes, I'm working hard—but why are you being so weird May?"
"Well—I thought it would be obvious." With a nervous laugh, May scratched the back of her neck and Drew cleared his throat. "I want to battle you."
"Battle? Well, why didn't you just say that?"
"Because I want it to be a simple battle—no flares or contest rules."
Dawn scowled a bit more. "Why? Are you still unsure about contests?"
"No. I plan on finishing my run in the Hoenn Region—I just want to beat you first."
At this point, Dawn was frowning as May looked on with a look of tranquility. Naturally, Dawn wanted to ask why it mattered so much—but she already knew what this was partially about.
May had never beaten Dawn in a match—no matter how many times they bumped into one another on the road; Dawn took winning a match to her core, she made it a point to battle all of Ash's old friends and rivals, and be sure that she came out on top. Their time apart hadn't changed that. May and Dawn battled frequently in the same circuit—and every time the result was the same. Dawn would win, either by beating May directly, or defeating the person that beat May. So May was here to quell some fires. Dawn could most certainly help her with that.
Instead of voicing her questions, Dawn's eyebrows twitched.
"Fine. It'll be nice to focus on a good battle without all the added stress for once."
"Ditto." May grinned, and stretched out her hand to shake Dawn's.
"Then shall we get right into it?"
Brock stammered in the back, his hands twitching. "But...but what about lunch? I already prepared-"
"Lunch!?" May squealed. "I'm starving!"
"You just ate!" Drew yelped, the color returning to his face as he tried to hold May back from the kitchen.
XOX
Piplup dodged right, sliding into the mud as Blaziken's kick collided with the dirt, spraying a sandstorm upward, filling the area with smoke.
From within the storm, Dawn's voice pierced the air.
"Piplup, quickly use bubble!"
From beyond the dirt wall, heading directly for the center of the arena, a spray of violent bubbles blasted forward, narrowly missing blaziken, who twisted as the smoke cleared.
"Good job, Piplup—now use headbutt!"
Surprised, blaziken tried to find his footing, but with little time to react, the small penguin's head found his exposed side, and knocked him sideways into a roll. Piplup stood tall, and May's grin disappeared as she recalculated their stance.
May had to win this, she just needed to figure out how. Dawn was a defensive battler, May was far more aggressive; it reflected in their lives as well as their techniques, and currently had them on par.
That was one ideal May could always adore about Dawn; even when she was cracking at the seems in her personal life, her professional life, battling, was spotless. May's professional and personal life tended to bleed together like an open wound, if one was in chaos, so was the rest. Everytime blaziken stood up, he revered this way of life created by May.
Passion.
May was knee-deep into her battling technique, whereas Dawn was prepared and conditioned. Dawn spent hours practicing, and May, who could focus when it counted the most, typically did whatever felt right at the time; even if that meant changing last minute plans. May was a free thinker, driven by her optimism and personality. Dawn envied that sometimes.
Now, standing opposite of one another on the battle field for the first time in years, adrenaline coursed through their veins. Their grins matched one another. To think that two souls, so inherently different could share the same goal was marvelous.
This was the deciding match. Would it be passion or persuasion? Neither woman was willing to back down, even as the smoke cleared.
"Shake it off blaziken—use flamethrower!"
"I don't think so, May—piplup, use watergun!"
As she commanded, piplup was already mid-release of the the torrent of water when May threw up her hand—as if she expected Dawn to respond with direct confrontation.
"Break away from your flame and use flare blitz!"
As the large fire fighting pokemon twisted away from his blast, piplup's water gun raced forward, splattering on the ground beside him as fire swirled around the dangerous pokemon—moving in for a severe checkmate.
"Piplup, no!" shouted Dawn, leaning forward—her mind hadn't connected to her mouth to send out a proper defense facing the devastating attack. Piplup,too, looked petrified, scared in place as the fire raced forward. May's ultimate attack—usually a strict win in most cases—she thought today was no different, as the grin returned to her face.
Finally, a victory against Dawn Matthews; she would remember this day forever!
As the last second clocked in, she could taste victory, but piplup had other ideas. The small, blue pokemon sprang forward, rushing blaziken suddenly enough, that they crossed paths mid-step, and piplup ran past the charging pokemon. He broke formation, tore through the defensive line, and sent blaziken soaring by.
May's face fell instantly, as did Dawn's, who shook her head as piplup turned with a slide, and shot another bubble, striking blaziken from behind, and rocketing him forward in the dust of his own self-harming attack.
At the sidelines, Brock, Gary, and Drew, who attended the match stood abruptly as the large bird lay collapsed on the ground, steaming. Dawn's eyes were as wide as saucers, but not as large as May's.
"Piiiiplup pip!" The bird squawked, rushing to check on blaziken in the stupor following the battle.
"May!" Drew called out from the bench, running for blaziken himself when she finally looked up, meeting Dawn's void expression—she was as shocked as May was.
"It's okay." May announced, watching as a dizzy-eyed blaziken sat up, scratching the back of his head and chuckling awkwardly at piplup who sighed in relief. Red light engulfed him a second later as May held his ball.
"You did great, but get some rest before we take you to the pokemon center." Then she tucked the ball into the pouch, and sniffed the air before she was strong enough to look back at Dawn—who had cut the distance between them instantly, and threw the brunette into a hug.
"I didn't think I was going to win.." She sobbed startling May whose arms flailed. "Thank you, May."
Without understanding why she was crying, May felt tears sting her eyes as well—always the sympathetic crier, she returned the hug with a squeeze and pressed her face into Dawn's shoulder.
"I'm so sorry." Though she wasn't entirely sure what she was sorry for.
XOX
May and Dawn sat across from each other on Brock's bed. May opted to spend the night after the battle, and the rest of the day was no less draining. Their friends thought they would not be talking—that they would be angry with one another because of Dawn's victory, but May didn't seem surprised, nor devastated by the loss. In fact, she seemed happy and more determined than ever. May might have started her journey long before Dawn, but they were still miles apart.
As the boys camped together once again in the living room, May plucked at the bed sheet, looking sore and tired; and a bit embarrassed.
"I honestly had no idea you were going through so much."
"Yeah, me either. I really just... you know."
"I don't know." May laughed dryly. "I've never slept with someone to feel better about myself."
The vicious look that ran across Dawn's face was heartbreaking, and May held up her hands.
"I'm so sorry—I didn't mean it like that! It's just—you and Paul were... and then you and Gary are—were... It's all just really complicated."
"I know it is." Dawn sighed, knowing she had no right to be insulted by anything May said. Mostly because it was all true; Dawn had been selfish, trying to bury the ache of leaving Paul behind, only to hate herself for it.
"It's just... a part of me felt like I deserved better than Paul—I don't want to be with someone I have to drag around with me everywhere. Force them to participate, to have fun, you know? Then Gary was there—helpful, honest, sometimes painfully so, and participating in the world. I...guess I did want to feel better about myself."
"Did it help?"
Dawn smirked slightly. "For a minute. Gary's a really good guy—which is why I hate myself a little."
May's face crinkled, then she laughed. "You don't like Gary?"
"I...I don't think I do—I mean, not like I like Paul." She looked away bitterly. "Not like Ash likes Misty."
May inhaled. Then swat Dawn over the head. The latter grabbed her head, tears in her eyes.
"What was that for?!"
"You can't always compare your life to theirs—I mean, they aren't perfect by any means."
"Then what about you and Drew?"
May sighed. "You don't get it, do you? We're all different—I mean, I know we seem a lot alike, but we're not. You're gonna find someone someday, and if you don't, who says you need a guy anyways?"
Dawn snickered. "Yeah... I suppose so."
"There's no reason to settle because you had feelings for Paul—sometimes infatuation isn't enough to keep a relationship together and if Paul really makes you feel inadequate then you can't blame yourself for not giving it a chance. He needs to grow—and, even though people say you shouldn't change for someone—he does if he wants you."
"That's not fair..."
"Maybe you realized you weren't being fair to him then?"
"I doubt that. I was being selfish. I'm a selfish human being." Dawn threw herself backwards, while May looked at her nails, and pulled on a loose thread.
"I don't think you're selfish—I think you were confused. What you shouldn't do is ruin your friendship with Gary over this. I think if you explain yourself clearly, he would understand... I mean, maybe. I don't really know him that well."
Watching Piplup during that battle—something so small as reacting without planning shook Dawn. When did she forget that not everything needed to be planned out? Become so obsessed with an idea, it demolished her own character. Gnawing on her lip, she tried desperately to remember the last time she felt like herself, like Dawn Matthews, and it hadn't been since Ash's celebration party. Even then, she planned and prepared her actions.
She always knew what came next, or she froze.
Inhaling, Dawn's brows knit together, and she sat back up. "Thanks for listening, May."
"No problem! I knew there was a reason I had to battle you."
Dawn looked a bit flabbergasted, a sore subject, considering May came to defeat her and failed. Then, she turned at the small pokemon, sleeping on the pillow beside them. Piplup was exhausted after their match.
"If he can push forward, why can't I?"
"I think reacting in battle and life are a little different, Dawn." May chuckled, and Dawn grinned.
"Maybe not so much! Maybe life is supposed to be simple, and we tend to complicate things."
At that, May slipped off the bed, and brushed her hair over her shoulders.
"Well if that's the case, I'm going to go complicate things for the boys by stealing all the snacks—you wanna come?"
"Didn't you just eat?"
"Yeah, so?" May asked, and Dawn couldn't help but smile.
"I'm glad to see that you have your appetite back—but I think I'll stay here, I'm pretty tired."
"Alright, suit yourself." May tossed a wave over her shoulder, and exited, leaving the door cracked so that Dawn could hear.
She sat on the bed for a moment, listening intently to the four of them—laughing as soon as May entered the room, demanding more cake-pops and popcorn. Brock loudly complained about the fact that May was going to eat through his rations for the month, and Drew complained about sharing his bowl; all the while Gary maneuvered his escape to use the washroom.
Dawn sat quietly, hands folded over her lap, and she waited. His foot steps were light, he was like a mouse walking around in a castle disguised as some elegant creature, chuckling under his breath as he walked by Brock's bedroom, where Dawn sat.
"Gary-" She called to him, covering her mouth immediately as she did. He stopped, and pressed a few fingers against the door to peek in; the smile gone.
"Yeah?"
A few moments passed, impatiently waiting when Dawn rubbed her neck and stared up at him. "...Can we talk?"
Gary looked over his shoulder, probably listening for Brock, in case the man decided to rush back in to give them a hard time. Acknowledging that Brock was too occupied keeping May out of his refrigerator, Gary stepped into the ill-lit room, but left the door open to subdue any actions between the two of them. Not that there would be any. They were finished; he was more than clear about that, and Dawn was never going down that path again.
"What did we need to talk about?" He asked plainly, staying the room length away from her.
"Us?"
"There really isn't an us to talk about." his comment so abrupt, Dawn felt it punch her chest; she tried not to laugh at the irony.
"No, I guess not," She shifted uncomfortably. "Look, I know you have every right to be mad, and-"
Gary put up his hand, cutting her off and Dawn blew hair out of her face.
"Let me finish-" she argued uselessly, because Gary crossed his arms and shook his head.
"I have nothing to be mad about." He announced, "And you clearly have the wrong idea about me. I'm not upset that something didn't happen between us. I'm not a big fan of fairy tales, and to be honest, we're not that compatible. We hardly know each other."
Gary paused, looking over his shoulder, ensuring their privacy—after all, he had some macho-man persona to uphold. "We agreed to have casual sex so long as it was consensual, and if it's not; then it doesn't happen."
"But it's not just about that-"
"Then it's about the way you look at Paul? Talk about Paul? Dawn—don't explain yourself."
"But I have to because-"
Factually, he added: "because you used me."
Looking hurt, her shoulders fell and her lips twitched; having it said out loud made her feel physically ill and she looked down shamefully. Around and around they went again, when was the hammering guilt supposed to stop?
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be." clearly uncomfortable when girls cried, he took a few steps closer, hoping that would comfort her. "I don't care that..." He sighed awkwardly, brushing his fingers through his hair. "You know giving advice about situations is a lot easier than handling them yourself." he announced and Dawn looked up at him again.
She didn't need to say it—since yesterday morning, Gary was acting strange and distant—cold. Not unlike the stories Ash would mock him with, before telling her and Brock that he was kidding, and that Gary was really a good guy.
Gary sat in front of her, and took her hands softly, and a part of her wondered why she couldn't feel that way for Gary. Sure, he had a bad reputation, but he was always nice to her—despite his narcissist persona; he was genuinely a good guy. Maybe she could, maybe she didn't try hard enough maybe-
"I like you, Dawn; but I'm not sure it's in that 'let's spend the rest of our lives together' way, and honestly, I'm not looking for something serious. I'm only eighteen. I don't want to be like Ash, trying to make a relationship work while my life is falling apart." His nose crinkled and Dawn's face flushed. "I want to be settled, and you know, old—maybe balding before I'm ready to take the plunge."
At that, Dawn smiled.
"I know you're just trying to make me feel better."
"I'm not, but I wasn't kidding about yesterday. Hormones are tricky obstacles to maneuver...sometimes we get stuck in them, make them out to be something that they're not. Can you honestly say that we're close without the physical contact?"
She smiled sadly, her shoulders drooped. "A little. I'd like to get to know you better—as a friend...maybe."
They paused, and Gary put her hands together, and then pat them.
"Wow... outside of Ash I'm not sure I've ever had one of those." his voice oozed that narcissistic, sarcastic tone she had come to recognize, but she smiled all the same.
"I simply think that we had a good thing going; you and I. You could look for that legendary pokemon, and I can participate in my contests! That way, we don't have to be alone in this winding road of confusing lust and hormones!"
Gary jerked backwards, eyes slightly narrowed, questioning her behavior. She kept her eyes on the bed sheet, to assure that he couldn't see the welling of tears in her eyes when she started to speak again.
"I'm sorry for being a jerk, whether you think I have a reason to be or not."
For the first time, Gary seemed all-too sincere when he frowned at her, then pat her head. "I didn't want to hurt you."
He retracted his hand, that statement saying so much about himself. He wasn't mad or judgmental, because it more ways than one, he was probably behaving the same way that she was from the very start.
Gary cleared his throat. "and f I knew you were so confused I would have never touched you."
"But I wanted you to."
It was flattering, really, but when he shook his head with that endearing smile, it wasn't because he was awestruck, but because he was astonished.
"I don't usually like telling people that they don't know what they want, but I'm pretty comfortable telling you that."
Dawn breathed, and glared at him.
"I know what I want."
"Do you?" Gary's brows rose.
"...yeah."
He looked over his shoulder again, crossing his arms. "Then what do you want, Dawn?"
For a long time, she paused, glanced at Piplup, at him, her hands, and then she closed her eyes.
"I want to be standing in the middle of the grand festival with a trophy the size of my head in my hands."
Gary smirked, a small snicker at the back of his throat as she continued,
"I want to conquer all five region's contest halls, and when I'm done, I want to open a school for coordinators. I want to be a judge on the National Pokemon Network, and create contests from the ground up."
"and I want... for me..." she swallowed, thinking hard for a very long time. "...I have no idea, but I'm okay with that."
It was the answer Gary was expecting, because he nodded very solemn, and hugged her when she fell forward holding her face after her shoulders spasm.
"I don't know what I want." she moaned into his shirt and he pat her shoulders, wondering how he always found himself in this place. Holding a crying female; even the ones that weren't supposed to cry always cried around him it seemed. Gary sighed quietly.
"Not knowing is the scariest part of growing up sometimes."
"But how can I not know? I thought I did—I honestly thought I had it all figured out..." And the tears started again.
Paranoid, Gary looked back over his shoulder, trying to listen for the rest of the group so he wouldn't get caught like this. The last issue he needed was to be caught with a crying Dawn—knowing most people, they would think he caused it! Inadvertently, maybe so, but not intentionally.
Gary never wanted this to happen.
"Dawn..." he pushed her forward, staring down her face. Forcing her to look at him. "Stop it."
She sniffled, shocked as she wiped her face. "W-what?"
"I said stop it." His face screwed up, and he exhaled.
"I don't know a lot about rebounding, because I've never been fortunate enough to end up with someone I cared about long enough to rebound—but what you did with me shouldn't mar who you are. You didn't use me, it was consensual and I knew what I was agreeing to—don't hate yourself for it. You own your own femininity and don't let anyone take that away from you. Not me, or Brock, or Paul. Especially not Paul, that guy just rubs me the wrong way."
She laughed through her tears at the last comment and tried to smile.
"Thank you, Gary..."
"Don't mention it...really, don't. Between you and Misty, I think I'm starting to lose cool points."
At that, Dawn burst into a belly full of laughter and finally wiped away her years while his thumb rubbed comforting, friendly circles on her arm.
She didn't know where her personal life was going, and it was the fear of the unknown that terrified her. Dawn could live with that, couldn't she?
XOX
May wanted to leave at the crack of dawn, and by that; she meant noon because it took three men and Dawn to wake her up the next day, some of them even gave up half way through in hope that she would wake herself—when the last boat leaving for Hoenn was setting sail at 1:00pm, Drew fell to desperate measures.
He grabbed her by the ankles, and started to drag her.
"I just want five more minutes!" May screamed, most likely waking up all of Brock's neighbors. Apparently a feat he accepted, because he sipped his coffee and read his newspaper as if this was an everyday occurrence.
"You can have your five more minutes on the boat, May, now let go of the sofa!"
Clutched in her hands was the sofa, between her legs was the twisted blanket she had been covered up with, and fighting Drew every step up the way was her perfected fetal position.
Dawn watched with some amusement from the kitchen, her hair brushed and combed, neatly tied into a ponytail. It was hard to believe this toddler throwing a fit was the same May full of wisdom and understanding a few minutes ago—maybe it was May's vibrate characteristic pallet that truly made her a person to be envied.
"At what point should we intervene?" Dawn asked, a crooked smile on her lips. Gary was sharing the paper with Brock, swapping stories as they finished.
"When she starts hitting him, probably." Gary suggested, biting off a piece of his bagel and scrunching his nose at one of the articles he read through.
Dawn blinked to both males, and tilted her head, more specifically at Gary. "Shouldn't you be packed, too?"
This time, Gary looked over his newspaper, to watch Dawn. He blinked innocently. "Packed for what?"
Dawn looked around the kitchen. "Well... aren't you leaving, too?"
Gary looked at Brock, having passed an unknown bro-code she could never decode and he shrugged. "Not until after your match, I thought? Weren't we going to Olivine City next?"
She couldn't help herself, she grinned eagerly at the two of them, pouncing from her seat to hug them both, forgetting to listen in when May started to scream random noises to prevent Drew from dragging her outside in her pajamas.
"I'm glad I have such good friends."
"Ah, yeah—but Brock made a five-second touching rule so..." Gary nudged himself away from Dawn, using the backside of the newspaper while Brock held up his fingers in an 'very good' sign and nodded his approval.
Dawn took Gary's seat, watching him shamble away in a very uncool way, and often wondered how such a gawky boy was ever considered the coolest person on earth. He and Ash were friends for a reason, she was sure. Dawn smiled at Brock.
"I'm sorry about the couch thing."
"I'm sorry for getting so upset. You could do much worse than Gary."
Dawn narrowed her eyes, listening to a lamp break. Brock still did not flinch. Gary, however, gave Brock a very distasteful look and blinked several times in a second.
"We aren't dating."
"I know."
"We don't even really like each other."
Brock nodded again. "I know."
Dawn shrugged her shoulders a little. "...Does that mean you're disappointed?"
Brock inhaled, and turned quietly at Dawn, finally putting his paper down, and offering that warm, older-brother smile he radiated.
"Stunned, a little worried about my couch—but never disappointed." he fixed a stray hair from her hair and smiled warmly. "You're too cool to be disappointed, and I know you were confused... only next time, let's try to talk about our emotional problems instead of jumping into bed with people, okay Dawn?"
At first, she was fooled by his forgiving nature, but by the time his speech wrapped, his sarcastic nature unraveled and Dawn pursed her lips unhappily.
"It wasn't just anyone. If I was going to have sex again, it might as well have been with the best, right? You did say he had his share of experience."
At that, Gary and Dawn high-fived, turning the tide on Brock who twitched in discomfort.
"Don't make light of it! What you did was dirty."
"Actually, humans have been doing it longer than most known medical practices." Gary threw in, watching as Brock flinched again.
"And it's every person's personal right to do as they please with their body, so long as both parties are completely consensual." Dawn added, low-fiving Gary again.
"No it is not! It's about love and dedication! You only sleep with people you love."
Gary crossed his arms, prepared to retaliate once again, when May finally flew past the kitchen, clutching her pillow and blanket with Drew in tow, shouting at her, and leaving the rest of them laughing.
Being terrified of the unknown may have been one part of growing up, but owning past mistakes and using them as personal strengths to grow was more important.
XOX
By the time they were saying their goodbyes to May and Drew, Dawn's contest was just around the corner, and they had no time for games. Dawn and May shared a very quick hug, and Drew waved a hand in exhaustion.
"She's going to wear him out... arcues I hope they don't have kids." Brock said nonchalant while Gary shook his head and walked away; knowing May as one person he could never handle.
"I swear if I had a sister, she would act just like that."
Dawn chuckled at their conversation, comfortable and truly content for the first time in months as she ventured off to her next destination with her friends beside her. She had a lot to be thankful for; a lot to be grateful that she didn't ruin, and the confidence to know that it was all going to be okay. One step at a time.
During that time, piplup, who was celebrating his victory over May by hanging outside of his ball, perked up at the sight of a familiar person from the corner of his eye. Below the railing they crossed over, Paul stood at the center of the road, hands in his pockets, and looking up soulfully at Dawn. At first, she didn't notice until piplup tugged on her hair, and drew her attention to the man below.
Faintly, she smiled, offered a half-baked wave that he returned with the same lack of enthusiasm, and felt a portion of her guilt, no matter how small, lift.
She wasn't prepared to apologize to him yet, but someday, maybe she could share her own enlightenment with him.
Author's Note:
I really tried to show how Dawn and May were different; and since their characters are a lot a like in the canon anime, it took quite a bit of rewriting until I was comfortable with them. If I had to put it in simple words, Dawn is more realistic, and May is more optimistic. That's really the biggest difference I could think of; that, and their origin, I tried to build on that, and pull the two characters apart into their own abilities, and in the end, I think May is more like Ash, and Dawn is more like Misty.
-deletes the 1400 word explanation of this chapter- There's. so. Much. Especially in terms of why Dawn's roller coaster ended here. However, with her internal struggle portion mostly wrapped up; I'm off to new and exciting things; like Paul, and Misty's parents. -flies away-
If some of this sounds choppy and a little all-over the place, it's because I wrote this pretty well at different times. Most of it was written early summer, then the remaining in fall—the end just now. I have no idea what it sounds like continuity wise, because if I have to edit this chapter one more time, I'm going to throw it, and the rest of this story into the garbage.
Sorry for the long wait; I'll hopefully see you guys soon.
NINT
