Author Note: Poor Shepard is never gonna live this down.


Joker had trouble containing his glee, sat around the table in the mess, eating dinner with the crew, while watching Shepard and Vega give each other the side eye. He was desperate to tell everyone about their dirty encounter in Afterlife, but he enjoyed making them both squirm far too much. He knew they hadn't talked properly since that night. In fact, the only time they actually spoke was when they were ground side and Shepard was barking orders.

After a lull in the conversation, he spotted his chance for some more mischief. "So, anyone seen any interesting movies lately?"He asked nonchalantly, throwing Shepard a knowing glance.

"Garrus and I watched the feature film of Fleet and Flotilla." Bali answered, innocently ignorant of Joker's mischievous intention.

Garrus however, was eyeing the pilot with some suspicion. He wasn't well versed in Human facial expressions, but Joker was easy to read. "It was dreadful." He grumbled. "What about you, Joker?"

"Oh, I saw a great film. It was about a couple who meet in a dingy nightclub and end having sex in one of the private rooms." He replied causally, before turning to Shepard. "The lead actress looked a lot like you, Commander."

Mercifully, Lara replied to him before Shepard had to try and save her blushes. "Joker, I thought you were told to stop watching porn on the bridge."

"If you have such an objection to porn, why do have such a large collection of your own? Mainly Human/A sari."

An involuntary whimper escaped the A sari. "Goddess…." She spluttered. "It's not mine. Its what gets found on people's personal terminals."

"Yeahhhhh, ok." He winced when Shepard nudged him under the table. He was pushing it, but it was too enjoyable to stop. "Shepard, you look stressy, do you need to get laid or something."

"I'll lay you out in a minute, Joker." She said through gritted teeth, giving him the scary eyes.

"What's going on?" Steve asked, looking between Shepard and Joker on the other side of the table.

"Nothing." Came Shepard's quick reply. "Joker's in one his moods. A good kick in should sort it."

"Shepard's just pissy because I discovered her secret."

Shepard got up quickly, dumping her plate into the sink. "I'm going to be bed." She barked out, walking to the lift without a backward glance.


She thought the following day, Joker had given up his little game as the man hadn't uttered one word in attempt to annoy her, but Garrus had quickly dash her hopes when she went to the forward batteries to speak to him. "Hey Garrus."

He waited until the door closed behind her, before turning around to face her. "So, you slept with Vega?"

"What! No!" She spluttered, internally cursing her burning cheeks, no doubt turning red. "What gave you that idea?"

"You've been avoiding Vega and Joker keeps making weird comments."

Shepard groaned, burying her face into her hands desperately trying to think of a convincing lie. Not that she really wanted to lie to her best friend, but she didn't want people to know about what happened. "The truth is, Vega caught me a…compromising position with some random. Joker found out. He's been winding me up about it since."

"What about Vega's awkwardness?"

"If you caught your Commanding officer mid fuck, wouldn't you be awkward?"

"No, but then, I'm a Turian." He teased.

Shepard pursed her lips, placing her hands on her hips, eyes betraying the smirk that she was hiding. "Ok, let me rephrase it. wouldn't you be awkward if you saw your incredibly hot female Commanding officer mid fuck, wouldn't you be awkward?"

"Well…when you put it like that."

"Pervert!" She punched his arm playfully, before moving to the door. "Catch ya later, big guy."


Steve finished off the repairs to the shuttle and headed to lift, intending to go to the CIC. Shepard had somehow managed to convince Joker to teach Steve how to pilot the Normandy, feeling that the ship needed a relief pilot.

The lift stopped at the CIC, and he stepped out, saying hi to Shepard as he passed her. When he got to the bridge, Joker was in conversation with Lara about her hair or lack of thereof. "Lara, just tell him. He wont leave you alone until you do." Steve chuckled.

The A sari sighed. "Fine. They are semi-flexible cartilage-based scalp crests that grow into shape. And no, they don't "flap about."

"Yes!" The pilot exclaimed. "I knew it. Thanks, Lara."

"You tease her far too much." Steve smirked, tapping his friend on the shoulder before he climbed into the co-pilots chair.

"Ah, she loves it."

A comfortable silence settled in the cockpit as the gentle humming of the engines vibrated through the ship. There was a question burning away in Steve's mind. He and many of the others had noticed that Shepard and Vega acting awkwardly around each other. He knew that Vega was crazy about Shepard and he suspected that the feelings may be mutual. But he just knew something had happened between them and he really wanted to know what. "So, Shepard and Vega slept together."

Joker paused his hands over the controls of the ship and slowly turned to his friend. "How do you know that?"

"I didn't. But I do now." He looked back to the door, just to check they were actually alone. "How did you find out."

Joker shifted in his chair, also checking behind them, as if he was expecting Shepard to appear behind them. "Aria sent Shepard the security footage of them going at it."

"Show me." Steve urged, with a little too much enthusiasm.

Joker pulled up the video and pressed play, making sure the volume wasn't too loud. "Just wait for the good bit."

The Ovid carried on until they could see Shepard and Vega in the throes of passion. Steve's eyes widened as he shifted in his seat. "Damn!"

"Yeah." Joker breathed out, turning it off before it got too far.

"Is it wrong that I'm aroused by that?" Steve asked, confused.

"I suppose Vega is attractive, in Krogan like Human, way."

Steve scoffed. "I'm not talking about Vega."

"Then no. You'd have to be made of stone, to have not been aroused."

"So what do we do now? They need to get it together."

Joker stayed silent briefly, scratching at his beard. "We'll work something out."