It felt like ages since he last saw the sun. Although, realistically, he sees it every day once gets to work in the wee hours of the day and every night just as he's about to leave his office (and usually get held back for another hour or two). But to be out in the sun, in broad daylight and the middle of the day was something Kai Hiwatari hasn't done for a while. Or for some years to be exact. He sighed and looked away, his eyes hurting. It should have been a day like every other, but apparently he was "waisting his life away" or whatever it was his mother said when she ushered him out of the Hiwatari Corp. mainbuilding to "take some time off".
Another sigh left his lips and a frown now marred his once beautiful face. Kai was looking at his own, worn out reflection now. The stores windows were dusty and in no way as sharp as a real mirror but he could clearly see why his Mother worried about him. The sharp edges of his face had fallen into his cheeks due to his loss of fat and muscle during the years, his face was more of an ashen grey than the pristine clear and almost snow white skin he used to have. Gone was the fire in his ruby eyes and replaced by the cold steer of a world worn businessman, accompanied by thin lips pressed together to a almost non-existent line. He looked as if he was late for a meeting and a dog just pissed on his shoes - twenty-four seven. It pained himself to realize that there was nothing left of the man he once was, the young pioneer his friends and subordinates would rely on and cheer for. All that he could see was the shell of a man who lost everything but refused to accept it, only listening to the voices who told him different.
The Media and Tabloids that reported of the young and brilliant businessman that helped the flourishing company his grandfather build up to keep getting bigger and better and keeping the social images of it as clean as possible. The news reporters that could go on endlessly how he took over at only the age of twenty-two when his father fell ill and his grandfather died. The old man trying to buy his favour by kissing the ground he walks on, but talked about how he was only a chicken in a world filled with hungry wolves. He proved them all wrong, never relying on anyone or anything other than…. other than her.
Kai shook his head and started to walk towards the park just around the corner of the company. He didn't feel like going back to the grey box he called a home. it wasn't that. never has been. He'd only known one home that he left behind in his own foolish acts of defiance. Taking a walk like this was nice, he admitted while taking a deep breath, searching for a place he could sit down and rest at. He found a small group of trees, unoccupied in the corner of the park. Sitting down he looked around. The park was fairly empty as it was only around twelve and most people where still at work and the children still at day care and school.
He closed his exes, wanting to rest for a mere moment but jolting awake to hear children laugh and see that the sun was already starting to set. Falling asleep in the midst of the day, what an adult thing to do. He scolded himself mentally and got up, dusting off the grass of his pants, glad he was wearing black ones that didn't show to much dirt. It was a nice rest, despite not free of dream. Dreams that haunted him every night since he stopped… stopped relying on the devils help to stay awake and keep going.
It was best kept secret yet everyone who really knew him knew about it. He was lucky his old friends were loyal and never told the presses about it. For more than a year now Kai Hiwatari was officially clean, at least when came to drugs harder than alcohol. He still drank through his weekends when he wasn't at work. In order to forget and move on, something She surely has done by now. He stopped for a second there and closed his eyes, thinking. Was she even still a she? He remembered talking about it with her, especially before… that day. He couldn't remember much though, his mind having been hazed by a mixture of drugs, alcohol and stress. Taking over the family business at such a young age with no one he could trust but one person that he was unable to confine in took its toll. Only when his father finally got better had Kai realized what he's done and lost. And now it was to late to go back.
With sadness in his eyes Kai turned towards the exit of the park and started to walk back when he saw him… her. He blinked, rubbed his exes and blinked again. There, only a few meters away from him, stood what was thought lost to him. Like and angel that lost its wings a young man blankly started ahead, looking at Kai yet looking through him. The young Hiwatari swallowed, took a step forward and cautiously said
"Taka…?"
It was like whisper, swallowed by sound of the wind blowing through the trees, letting leaves dance through the air and around the other Male who now focused his gaze on him.
"Hey.. Kai…"
It wasn't much louder than his own Voice but clearly heard it. Yes, Kai was sure, this was the one who haunted his nights, the one who got a way. or well, the one he left behind. Although different before him stood Taka - Takao - Kinomiya. Almost Hiwatari, had he not left her - no him - waiting in front of the altar. Back, when Takao - hopefully he remembered the Name correctly - was still Yui Kinomiya. Yui who always listened, who brightened his Day. Yui, his sun and his love. Yui, whom he left in tears, humiliated in front of their friends and families. And for what? for a Live filled with falseness and Pain.
" Its been what, five years? Didn't think I'd see you again. In real life I mean, there's enough media coverage about your oh so glamorous life all over the net. How… How have you really been doing Kai?"
The Question startled him out of his thoughts. Takao spoke with a much lower Voice than before. Naturally, the transition changed a lot about her. All of her. But it was what she truly wanted. And once upon a time he wanted to be by her - no his, he had to get himself together now - side through it. Kai's head hurt when for a moment he remembered a warm summer night when they chilled at Takao's Family home, an old dojo in the outskirts of town, and they were making a list of possible Names before Yui choose Takao. When he asked why she just said that she liked the meaning and, in her ears, Takao Hiwatari didn't sound to bad. It was long before he asked for her hand in marriage yet even back then he knew that Y- Takao was the one he'd do anything for. Or almost anything as it turned out.
"Sorry, I spaced out for a bit. Its good to see your doing well, Takao. You did take that Name if I remember correctly? Please do correct me if you didn't. And as you may notice I've… been getting better lately. I'm clean now. No more drugs but, well, I guess I still have a drinking problem."
An amused snort, eyes narrowing for a short while and roaming over his body. Never in his life had Kai felt more uncomfortable than now.
"Yes, I did take the name Takao. It's nice to see you remembered at least that. And thank you for not using my dead name anymore"
The youth looked away, shook his head slightly and directly stare at Kai, worry, sadness and a pinch of anger swirling through his blue eyes. Kai took a moment to look at Takao himself, noticing how well the transition seemed to have gone. there was no trace left, other than his long hair and the possible scars beneath his clothes that would signal another that before him stood a man that was once a woman. I'm focusing to much on the past, Kai thought and snorted which earned him a confused look from the other.
"Anyway, its good to see you're still alive. It would have been nice to hear from you though, even after all that happened I thought we'd at least be friends"
It sounded less angry and more sad, or disappointed than Kai thought it would. he honestly had hoped the other would at least be angry with him and tell him how he was done wrong and didn't want anything to do with the Hiwatari anymore. But Takao's never been like that, deep down he knew it. No matter how horrible one acted towards him Takao still tried to be their friend. Which didn't mean he doesn't have a temper top be feared. But right now it seemed that the pain was far stronger than the fury inside the youngers heart.
"I.. didn't think you'd want to hear from me, I didn't know how to apologize and.. and I honestly thought, back then, that I didn't do anything wrong. I know now that -"
"Stop. I don't want your apologies. I.. almost expected you to get cold feet and run. But what made it was why you let that happen. I was so frustrated when Yuriy called and told me they'd found you in a puddle of your own vomit and piss completely high the day after the ceremony. You.. You promised you'd talk to me if it all got to much If.. if me transitioning was to much or really if anything happened that would have made you quit. I always believed that the Kai Hiwatari I fell in love with was no quitter but yet, in the year before the wedding you started to lose yourself. I started to lose you. And all I could do was watch you flee into whatever fantasy world you saw. You stopped talking o me Kia. You stopped trusting me."
It felt like a punch in the gut to Kai as he listened. Listened to what he knew was the truth deep down but was unwilling to accept for so long. And it stood before him in the form of Takao Kinomiya, who still held his heart, who never judged him not even now and whom he utterly failed.
"I… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I realize know what a bastard I was and I believe I'm paying for my wrongs everyday. I know it wont make anything right again but- I'm sorry"
His own ruby eyes filled with tears and his body started shaking when suddenly a pair of strong, warm arms encircled him. he could feel a hand stroking his hair as he let go. Let go of the burden he carried ever since he found the strength to fight against his demons. And for the first time in what felt like forever he was feeling comfort and warmth again. It took a while before Kai calmed down with the help of Takao's touch and the soothing words whispered into his ear.
He took a step back and looked at his once lover, stray tears still rolling down his face. Takao looked at him with a mixture of pain, sadness and …relief?
"I'm glad to hear you're getting better now. I'm sorry but I do have to go now, Hiro is waiting for me to pick up the twins at his place. Maybe, maybe we can meet again tomorrow? Maybe… "
He could himself off, checking his phone with a little frown. Twins huh? Seems like Takao kept to his own ideals and dreams and now had the family he always wanted. Kai could have been part of that family…. and who knows, maybe he still can.
"yes lets… lets talk again"
They quickly exchanged numbers and with a wave the Kinomiya left, slightly shaken himself. Kai felt a headache approaching again. Takao still had that soothing effect on him but, like a drug, once he was gone reality hit Kai again. he hadn't eaten anything that day and only drank a few cups of coffe before he was forced to leave work. While rummaging in his pants fo his wallet, so he could grab a bite to eat he found a slip of paper. An advertise for the AA Tokyo, the Anonimous alcoholics group his mother talked to him about. He smiled and, feeling bits of the energy he thought lost coming back to him. As he reached his Car his Phone vibrated, a message from Takao on it:
"I almost forgot: Happy Birthday Kai!"
On top of the message his phone showed the time and date. 2nd of August 2018, 08:38 pm. Kai had completely forgotten that it was his birthday. He laughed. For years he only had one wish : to get another chance at life. And this year it was finally granted. He thought back a bit to the meeting in the park, back to how it started with his mother forcing him to think of himself for once. On his way back home he also thought about what he talked to Takao about. And he realized that maybe, despite thinking it wouldn't bother him, the transition of his ex-fiancé did bother him. But it wasn't decision and he should have learned to be honest with himself instead of forcing a happiness he couldn't achieve.
But all that was in the past now and the now thirty year old only had one goal:
Starting over again
Before anyone starts complaining: I give 0 f*s on whether you like or dislike Trans-Character Headcanons or not and whether or not you would have written them differently. Feel free do tell me if I completely misinterpreted the experience though, I have not finished my research on transitioning, disphoria and possible therapies yet and I'll gladly take advice from people who actually know whats going on
