Hey guys, sorry for not updating sooner. I have many reasons, but I guess they don't matter. But what I will say is that I will try to update this more frequently, as the story is almost over with.
Thank you all for reviewing and reading! And most importantly, thank you for sticking with me throughout the years on this story.
When Rosalie thumbs over the healing scars on her thighs, it feels a lot like love. The kind of love that connects, like magnets snapping into place. Rosalie's golden brow furrows over Bella's, cold breath hitting her shoulder. "Good morning" sounds like a declaration in this setting. When Bella's fingers find themselves in Rosalie's hair, she hopes she's displaying the same message.
"Still raw," Rosalie mumbles, finger circling the pink, puffed skin.
"It looks a lot better than it did last week, though," Bella tightens her hold on Rosalie, hoping to bring her closer. She does, and a crown of blonde rests on her collarbone.
It's easy to lay like this. It's easy for Bella to shut her eyes and forget that she has another appointment with Ms. Kraska and that a vampire hungry for her death is hunting her without a glimmer of hope for mercy.
It's easy to fall in love with the way Rosalie's fingers fit in the slots of her ribs, how the weight of the taller girl's leg over her own feels right. It's easy to press kisses to her temple when she's laying in this position. The sighs she lets out is just an added bonus.
And when Rosalie stands up, straightens her shoulders, it feels a lot like loss.
"I suppose you need to get up, huh? If you want to make it to your appointment on time, that is."
"Well, I don't." Bella flops back down on the bed, giving up hope of getting Rosalie to lie back down with her. "I don't want to go. Not today."
"If I let you have your way, you wouldn't go any day, Bella." Rosalie snorts. "Now, do you want me to take you?"
A sound comes muffled from the pillows on the bed.
"And… would you like me to make you breakfast?"
The response this time is a lot more intelligible.
…
"Bella," Ms. Kraska greets, eyes cool and comforting. "How have you been?"
Bella sits and considers telling her "good, perfect. Everything is fine." But what actually comes out of her mouth is "Tired."
Ms. Kraska nods like she knows, because of course she does. "How has the medicine been going? Any more issues?"
"No, actually." Leaning back against the couch, Bella stares at the ceiling. "It seems like that phase has gone, which is a nice thing! I'm glad I'm not throwing up anymore."
The grey haired woman claps her thighs with a smile. "Well, hey! That's good." A pause passes in between them. Bella shuffles on her feet and avoids the piercing gaze of Ms. Kraska. She continues. "And… have you self-harmed recently?"
Bella shakes her head, debating about whether or not to tell her that she's thought about it, maybe once, maybe twice. Again, Ms. Kraska nods with a smile.
"Well, I would like to do an activity today, would that be ok?"
"What kind of activity?" Bella doesn't care, not really. But she felt as if she needed to answer in more engaging way. She would be tired of monosyllabic answers if she were Ms. Kraska.
"Just a fun one." She holds up magazines and a glue stick. "I want you to do a collage about what you've been thinking about recently. Or what you hold dear. Do you mind if we sit on the floor for this?"
Bella thumbs through magazines as she listens to Ms. Kraska talk. She tells her a story about college, about how once her roomate dressed up as Spiderman and ran through the halls with Silly-String, spraying people in the face, in the mouths, in the ear. Bella laughs as she picks out things randomly, a cut out picture of somebody's eyes, a wide grin, a fancy car. A Mercedes? A BMW? Bella doesn't know.
"The next morning we woke up and there were cups full of water leading out of the hallway outside of our dorm." Ms. Kraska laughed, taking a glue stick and rubs it across the back of a picture of a dog.
"That's pretty funny." Bella looks at a girl with blonde hair, stares at the mole on her lip. She ends up being put in the center of the page. "Do you still talk to your roommate?"
The temperature drops as Ms. Kraska's smile drops, as her laugh lines disappear.
"No. She walked into the ocean one night and never came back out."
...
She shows Rosalie the collage she made, and when Rosalie looks at the myriad of blue eyes and soft smiles, she kisses Bella on the cheek.
…
It's easy to be scared of Jasper. All bulging muscles in places that you know would hurt you, the grim set to his mouth, the scar over his right eyebrow.
But it's also easy to love him and his southern drawl, easy to care about the way he walks like he's on guard, and it's easy to adore the way he holds Alice like a life-line, the way he so clearly loves his family.
Bella thinks Jasper and Rosalie are the same. Similar in the way they cross their arms, right over left. And it's impossible not to notice the clench to their jaws when Victoria's name is mentioned.
"So, how long do we have left before her arrival?" This tone of hers makes Bella quake, makes her hands shake, and something strikes her in the core of her stomach. Something fierce and wholly inappropriate.
Alice shakes her head. Her eyes have been blank now, for years, for decades. "I can't see her, I can't. Somehow she's…" Covering her face with her hands, she groans. Guilt imbeds itself deep into Bella's core.
All my fault…
Jasper takes this time to smooth his hand over her head. "So, that's ok. It just means that we will have to be prepared." He lists on about training sessions, shifts throughout the night at Bella's house. Even Esme locks her jaws together. The fury of a mother riding behind the pigment of her eyes. "It's imperative that we stay digilent. Newborns are not to be trifled with."
"Bella." Alice calls, small smile on her face. The smile is a reassuring one, on that says "It's not your fault. We love you." And it's everything Bella needs in that moment.
…
Bella has seen Rosalie in school, and has actually been on the receiving end of her sneers and been witness of the possessive hand around Emmett's waist.
It's different being on the other end in which her hand is wrapped around her waist.
"What's wrong?" Fingers stroking the exposed skin on Bella's hip, Rosalie turns to her, evaluating Bella's stiff expression.
Bella sets her mouth in way that says "Nothing" but the words that come out are actually "I think everybody is staring."
There's a saddened sigh from somewhere within the blonde before she removes her hand entirely. "I am sorry, Bella. I forget that you aren't much for PDA."
"I - no." Bella shakes her head, leaning back into Rosalie as an apology. "I'm just not much for gossip."
Cool lips press to her head and a hand rubs at her back before she turns her attention back to Emmett and his juggling egg act.
It's true. People had been talking. They whispered about Rosalie's soft smile while gazing upon Bella, they whispered about the laughter that bubbled out of her mouth when Bella talked. But most of all, they whispered about Edward.
This, too, bombarded Bella with excruciating guilt. It was her fault he was gone, it was her fault that Esme stares longingly at the ivory keys of his piano. It was her fault that Rosalie has to fill the silence in the house with music that she doesn't really like to play, but does because it makes Alice's gait a little smoother. The family had to get rid of his silver Volvo and it was all because of her. She doesn't even like to think about how the dark circles under Carlisle's eyes became more pronounced the moment he had to take down Edward's graduation caps.
God if she had just died - if she had just died then everything would be okay. But it isn't okay, all she does is bring pain and suffering and -
A sudden wave of what feels like serenity hits her, and Rosalie's hand is back to rubbing circles into her hip. "Whatever you're thinking about Bella," Jasper soothes his voice over to her from across the table. "It isn't true."
Alice scoots her chair closer to hers. "What are you thinking about writing your research paper on?"
"The effectiveness of medicine during the Civil War." Bella brings her eyes to Jasper. "I was hoping that you'd be able to help me, maybe? As a primary source?"
Emmett chuckles, shaking the table, but Jasper smiles. Bella feels the cool weight of Rosalie once again, and it's easy breathing after she catches her breath on her lungs when Rosalie kisses her head, soft and lingering.
And it's easy to forget the crimson burning behind her eyes and the itching ache in her legs, a phantom pain from the blades she's ran across thin flesh.
Living and breathing tended to be easier, she supposes. Maybe that'll just have to do.
. . .
Rosalie wakes her up with soft kisses behind her ear. "Good morning, pretty girl."
Blind hands come to sleepily grip at the material of Rosalie's shirt, slips around the strong muscles present in the blonde's back. Grins when she felt her shiver in response. "Are you awake enough to listen?" When a tired moan was her response, she continued. "I have to go hunting today," a delicate hand trails down the stretch of Bella's collarbone. "Do you mind if you go see Jacob?" Rosalie waits a pause. "It would make me feel better if you were around big and scary monsters that aren't trying to kill you."
"How long will you be gone?" Fully awake now, Bella curls into the curves of Rosalie, sticking her nose into her neck. She's not sure when she'll get used to touching her. She hopes she never does.
"Just a few hours, I promise." Guilt is evident in her tone, as if she's apologizing for having to hunt in the first place. It makes Bella bite her tongue.
"Yeah, I'll go to the Rez." Bella soothes in the only way she knows how, watching the stone carved jaw unclench. "Take your time, Rose. You've been pushing yourself a lot recently." This is true. It's not that Bella doubts Rosalie's control, it's just very hard to ignore the midnight black of her eyes for weeks on end, it's hard to ignore the stiff way she holds her mouth when Bella places kisses on her neck.
"It's very hard not to worry," Rosalie finds purchase in the dip of Bella's back, completely enjoying the way the brunette curls into her. "I don't know what I would do if anything happened to you."
"Nothing is going to happen to me, silly. Go hunting, I'll be safe, I promise." Bella's eyes make contact with Rosalie's burning ones, the gold struggling to return. In there, Bella sees love and desperation, adoration and fear. Without a thought in her head, she brings her mouth to Rosalie's, slanting them perfectly inbetween.
She feels Rosalie's gasp under her, and it encourages Bella to knot her hands into silky blonde tresses.
"Bella." Comes a moan, "oh god, you're so warm." But then, under her fingers she feels a taut throat, and Rosalie becomes stiff.
"Alright." Bella breathes, planting one last kiss on Rosalie's mouth. "Okay," she says again with a laugh. "Go… go hunting."
"Do you not want me to drive you to the reservation? " Rosalie asks, standing and adjusting her shirt, smooths back her hair.
"No, that's okay. I haven't driven Ol' Rusty and Dusty in a while."
The blonde bends down to cup Bella's cheek. "Be safe, pretty girl."
"I'm always safe."
…
The drive from Forks to La Push is one of Bella's favorites. It's nice to be able to watch the green meld back into brown, and then into grey. It's like entering another world - one that's far away from Forks.
A song comes on the radio, nice and soft and Bella's muscles relax back into her seat. The guitar and violin add another layer of beauty to the scene around her.
Up ahead, something dark starts to form in the middle of the road, creeps up towards her.
And it doesn't look too friendly.
