I've manage to write this after finishing Chapter 12 because 1) I still don't have any internship offers as of the moment and 2) School hasn't started yet so I have a lot of free time to waste (which I probably would regret wasting later on since I haven't touched my modules for review school yet and I'm already behind my scheduled study).

Anyway, as usual I would like to thank the following for dropping a review and keeping me motivated:

Wind of SilentBell

an anonymous guest

SunBabyBoss


Chapter 13: Awareness and Action

I spent the rest of the week trying to hide from Tsubasa. It was kind of futile, really, since he's staying in our house for the time being. I've resorted to mostly keeping myself locked in my room and purposely eating late. It was childish of me, that I know. It's just for the time being, I could not bear to see him… to see his hurt expression.

I've hurt him. I'm mad at myself for it. I was too caught up in my own world… in my own feelings that I didn't, wasn't able to notice his feelings. I was too insensitive. And I'm a little bit ashamed of myself for suddenly feeling awkward and conscious whenever the thought of bumping into him cross my mind.

I know what I'm doing is wrong. I know I should face him head on… accept his feelings for me and let him go. But I don't want to do it halfheartedly, especially now that my feelings are all a mess. I need to get my shit together and give Tsubasa a proper answer.

I let out a soft sigh. Clearly my thoughts are getting the better of me and I cannot concentrate on anything. I crossed my arms on the table and laid my head above them to close my eyes. This rift between me and Tsubasa is something new and something I've never really seen myself to be in.

It's only been a few days and I know I'm kidding myself if I say I didn't miss Tsubasa's company. I miss him. I miss my best friend. Tsubasa's goofy face flashed in my mind and I instantly felt guilty. Sometimes, I wish he didn't even invite me in that good damn dinner to confess. But I know I was being selfish once more.

I saw how hard these past few days was on him. I saw the hurt in his eyes whenever I ignore him when we pass by each other.

Another sigh escaped my lips. I shut my eyes more hoping to push back those depressing thoughts and finally concentrate on the research materials opened in front of me.

I felt something cold on my cheek. My eyes opened wide and I almost shout out loud. Almost. It was a good thing I was able to stop myself since we are in the library. I put a hand over my heart and let myself calm down before turning to the person, a glare fixed on my eyes. Instead, my favorite banana milk greeted me and my resolve to glare at the person melted away.

How could I get mad with the person when they were probably looking out for me? A small smile graced my lips. I looked up ready to thank Natsume, but my eyes were met with a pair of blue eyes. My smile faltered a bit.

"That's the first time I saw you smile in my direction since…" I heard Tsubasa say. A pang of guilt once more rushed to me. I stayed silent. I wasn't sure what I want to say. There are probably a lot… but I don't know where to begin. "Look, Mikan… I hate how we are now," he said. He ruffled his hair with his free hand – a sign that he was frustrated and stressed over this situation. "If only I knew beforehand that you'll act this way if I confessed then I shouldn't have in the first place."

That snapped me out of my reverie. There he was again, blaming only him when I'm equally as guilty, probably guiltier than him in our situation. I let out a sigh and shook my head. I reached out my hand and took the banana milk from him. "Don't say that," I said my eyes on the banana milk. I was sure my voice was weak and barely a whisper.

I know he was looking at me intently even though I wasn't looking at him. I can feel Tsubasa's stare at me. "But it's the truth," he said a few seconds later. "If I didn't do it. We could have stayed happy together, the best of friends."

Tsubasa was saying things I've thought of… that I have been thinking. Of course, he was also thinking that if he didn't confess to me that day we would have stayed happy. Well, I would have stayed in my happy comfortable bubble while his unspoken and unnoticed feelings for me eat him up. Yes, I did wish the same but… what about his feelings?

I was preoccupied with my own thoughts that I didn't notice Tsubasa kneel down in front of me. I was so caught up on figuring out where I should begin that I didn't notice when a tear slid down my cheeks. It only came to my realization when I felt Tsubasa's warm hands on my cheek wiping the tear.

Our eyes met, and my heart melted. This is my best friend. This is the person who has known me inside and out for most of my life and here he is comforting me. He's trying to make me feel better despite hurting himself. And that's when it downed onto me. I loved him. No. I love him, and he'll always hold a special place in my heart.

I looked him straight in the eye. I love him. But he deserves better. He deserves someone who'll have only him in their heart and mind. "Tsubasa," I said his name. My voice was soft.

"What's going on here?" I heard Natsume's voice. It was stoic and a bit dark.

Tsubasa and I looked up to where Natsume was standing, which was a few steps away from us. He was holding a banana milk and an energy drink. He's eyes scanned from Tsubasa then to me. I saw his eyes darken to a deeper shade of crimson. "What happened?" he said. "Why is Mikan crying?"

Tsubasa stood up and straightened his clothes but he didn't reply. Natsume look at me for explanation. I returned his gaze and shook my head hoping he'll drop it. But when he remained silent and his eyes still looking at me for answers I said, "It's nothing serious Natsume."

I got up from my seat. I looked at Natsume and then at Tsubasa. I let out a sigh and decided I have to deal with Tsubasa first. I'm physically and emotionally drained because of everything and I wish to at least get this matter a closure and maybe salvage my friendship with Tsubasa. "We have to talk," I said to Tsubasa. "Privately."

I turned to Natsume, "I'll be back," I said. But he seemed to not want to drop the subject despite not saying anything. It's still a wonder after all these months being friends with Natsume. There's just this weird connection and understanding between us which always amazes me. "I… I'll try to explain everything later." I added not really sure if I should.

Tsubasa and I found ourselves in a secluded area in the campus. We were both silent for a while. After the emotional state we were both in a while ago, I didn't know where to begin. "Look, Tsubasa…" I began. "I'll be lying if I told you I didn't wish that you didn't go through with your confession. I did. Hell, that thought always cross my mind ever since that day. But… that would be selfish of me."

I took in a breath and looked up at him. He didn't say anything. "I'm thankful that you love me. I'm thankful that you're in my life and that you cared for me," I said. "And I'm sorry… I'm sorry that I wasn't able to notice your feelings towards me. I'm sorry that while you were dealing with your feelings, I was oblivious with everything else and focused more on myself."

"Don't say that Mikan," Tsubasa said. And I shook my head. "But it's the truth." I insisted.

"I choose to stay silent all those times I could have confessed earlier," he said. "You've always stayed single. Yes, you had those flings. Yes, you had almost relationships. I was there. I saw you go through them. I should have swept you off your feet then, but I decided to wait, Mikan. I was overconfident that I would be the last one standing by your side."

My resolve faltered a bit, but I composed myself. "How… how long have you been in love with me?" I asked.

Tsubasa ruffled his hair. "I realized I have feelings for you in the middle of college," he said. Another pang of guilt washed over me. That long, and I never even noticed it. I said in my mind. I wanted to laugh at how dense I was.

I closed my eyes. I was, am an idiot. "Tsubasa," I said when I opened my eyes. "I'm really sorry. It's that long and I didn't even once notice it. I'm sorry that when you finally confessed I acted the way that I did. And…" I looked him straight in the eye. I have to do this. "I'm really, really sorry I can't return your feelings."

Tsubasa held my gaze for a long time. There was a lot of emotions passing through his eyes. I didn't look away nor did I dare to move. Slowly, he closed his eyes. Probably to compose himself. When he opened them, I could read what was on his mind. "I saw this coming," he finally said. "I've seen you two together. You and Hyuuga. I saw how happy and in love you are. You've got this look that I haven't seen from you."

I stayed silent. Unsure what I should say after that.

"Mikan," he said after a few seconds of silence. "I'll be okay. Don't look at me like I'm such a fragile little thing when we both know it's you." He smiled a little at me.

I returned his smile, hoping we'll return to the way it was before… or at least we'll still be best friends and our relationship wouldn't change drastically.

"You know you're still Mikan Sakura, my best friend, right?" he said. My face may have been showing what I was thinking.

I took a step towards him… then another until I was in front of him. I pulled him into a hug. "I love you, Tsubasa. I love you and I'm really sorry I could not return your feelings," I said and before I knew it tears were spilling in my eyes. The stress and this roller coaster ride probably has taken its toll on me.

I felt Tsubasa stiffen for a bit before relaxing and returning my hug. He caressed my hair to calm me down as he hugged me tightly letting me cry. "I'm sorry to," he said. "I'm sorry I couldn't give up on you. But let me love you Mikan. Let me love you in my own way and know that when something happens I'll always be here for you."

I nodded my head on his chest. I know I wouldn't be able to tell him to drop his feelings for me right now. I know he's hurting more than me. I know our friendship has taken a turn where we couldn't go back to the way it was before. But even so, after all this… I know that I will still have my best friend. This isn't the end of our friendship but the start of a much stronger and much mature bond. And I know that someday, he'll move on and find someone better. He will be able to move on and find someone who'll love him more than I ever love him.


What did you guys think? Love it? Hate it? I know I could have written it better. But this chapter is kind of raw for me. Recently... well just this January I have rejected someone whom I thought would stay in my life. I was an emotional wreck trying to figure out if I really want to enter into a relationship with him or not. But, unlike Tsubasa... the guy didn't push through. He accepted my rejection like it's our usual conversation when I was up and about losing sleep debating on my feelings for him.

Anyway, enough of my life... and I hope you like this chapter. Please leave your thoughts and suggestions. I might put them into consideration.

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