Suna was warm. And since she had arrived, two and a half years ago, it rained four times. People went dancing on the streets when it did. And held a festival the night that followed.
But Sakura liked it. Every time she was exiting a building, the heat would permeate her and she had a feeling it was reaching her bones.
The warmth was making it easier for her to move. Of course she would sweat and get sunburns but at least she could muster some motivation to be active.
Suna's hospital turned out to be an interesting place to work. She came here holding good deal of preconceived notions about her methods only to be confronted with something radically different. And with something that was working nevertheless. In contrast to Konoha's Tsunade-derived chakra healing school, Suna medics relied much more on herbal medicines. Sakura had always regarded plant medicines as the first primitive step in the development of modern medicine. A relict from times when nothing better was available. She had to rethink it, because the efficiency of concoctions prepared in the cellars of Suna hospital was astounding. They would take plant matter as starting material, extract the active compound – sometime just one, but more often many, and then alter them. With the precise knowledge of the structure of the active molecule they would modify it – add a hydroxyl group here, remove an amine group there… Sometimes they would even fuse two molecules together.
The chakra control required for it blew Sakura's mind. She had to learn to operate on atomic level. It required far less energy than any healing because of the scale. There was also no patient whose life was expiring underneath her hands -which created room for mistakes, corrections and re-tries- but that chakra control… It was the first time since many, many years that she felt so challenged, both intellectually and in her command of chakra. Now she could understand why were Suna's poisons so deadly – each and every one of them was tailor-made for the intended effect. And none had equivalent in nature.
She still couldn't believe they were letting her in into it. Probably having Temari in Konoha, and pregnant with Shikamaru child helped quiet a bit.
Work culture in Suna's hospital was also quite different. Nobody was pulling all-nighters here, and it wasn't exactly well seen to do overtime. Part of it was due to low population density in Wind Country – people were so sparsely distributed that they learned to be self-sustainable. Patients or their families would travel to the Sand Village, stock up with medicine and go back to their home settlements. The hospital head, an ancient lady from equally ancient, village-founding clan was of the opinion that she would rather have her medics rested and wide-awake when prescribing medicines of which one drop would heal while two – kill.
So after her shift she was going to the room she rented from a family running a weaving workshop. At the beginning she thought they would be her landlords and nothing more but instead she was immediately integrated into the family. From the day one she was sat at the dinner table, handed smaller house-keeping tasks, and literally overrun by children.
She was getting better. As Shikamaru said, she was pushed out of her tracks. She felt she was given a completely new life, a blank page to write. And before she started to worry about how should she fill those pages, first letters were already there – an underground lab where she sweated even despite its coolness trying to push single atoms with sheer power of her will; a five-year old girl climbing on her lap during the dinner; a new way home through narrow, winding streets, ankles-deep in sand. Night sky full of stars to the extant she never thought possible.
She gave up on ever having anything to do with Sasuke. Her memories, wishes and dreams all shrank until they were just a heavy clump – small, tough pellet trapped somewhere in her flesh. Impossibly dense, always palpable but not effecting her day-to-day functioning. It didn't hurt, it didn't hinder her in any way but it was there.
Two years of not seeing Sasuke and it was still there – same size and shape. Same weight. So she decided to accept it as a new part of herself because hoping that it would dissolve was only making things worse. And she vowed to live the best life that was possible with it. 'I will probably die missing him, but people learn to live without arms or legs, so I can learn to live with it as well. I should and I will…' she thought bitterly. She couldn't realistically expect that she will never see him again – they both were too prominent people in the shinobi system not to cross paths at some point, but she hoped those meetings will be few and far apart. And as far away in the future as possible.
The only times when this heavy clump bothered her, were during the festivals. People in Suna celebrated their festivities with dancing – they would form a circle and move according to elaborate routines that everyone, including small children, seemed to know. Sakura itched to join, she wouldn't even mind making a fool of herself, but she couldn't. Those were exactly the times went she felt impossibly heavy, as if molten lead was filling her joins, preventing her from moving.
It was a market day and the central square was full with stalls and booths. Sakura was strolling among them picking snacks. She still didn't go through all the variety of street food available in Suna and the choice during the market days was the broadest.
And then she saw him. Standing casually propped up against a stall, hands in the pocket as usually. What was he doing here?! He wasn't supposed to be here. A reminder of all the bleak and ugly that she was running away from.
He was looking at her; it seemed that he was observing her for a while already. In the moment their eyes made contact he nodded his head clearly indicating she should come over.
How dare he come here and gesture at her publicly as if she belonged to him? Good he didn't whistle. Maybe she didn't want to be gestured at like that? Who gave him a right to? Who gave him right to even be here? To come to her and ruin her so hardly won peace of mind! She got so worked up in her anger that all the shyness went forgotten.
Sakura approached him in swift paces, until she was three steps away, two, one. She didn't stop. Sasuke took a step back and she kept moving forward, pushing him backwards seemingly by the force her willpower alone. He retracted from between the stalls into a wide open space. No shade there, just burning sun. Heat radiating from the sand hit Sakura and finally she halted.
"What are you doing here?!" Even if the physical display of aggression subdued, her voice was still full of it.
"I came to see you."
"Did it ever occur to you that I may not want to see you?"
Sasuke's eyes caught her own. No, it didn't occur to him, it seemed. She managed to surprise him, if only a little bit.
"You have some cheek, don't you? After all this time, you realized you want to see me? Do you have any idea what I have been through?" It was so tempting to start elaborating on it, to pour out that what fermented inside her for so many years on his head. But it would be seeking his attention and she was so done with it. She moved to turn away, the sooner she gets away from him the better. At least here, in Suna, she didn't want to be seen through the context of Sasuke. And certainly not to be seen making a scene in the middle of the market place.
"Sakura." Sasuke grabbed her by the hips. She stared down in complete astonishment, but he held her fast. Her arms jerked away from her body, avoiding the touch. She stood stiff. "Sakura."
She could wind out of his grasp, sure she could. But she couldn't move, as if he was pressing her downwards, grounding her. Sasuke crouched a bit – he was too tall to look into her eyes standing normally. She turned her head away. He shifted, searching her face. "I'm sorry. I needed to figure things out and it took me a long time. Very long time. Probably too long time. I am still figuring them out." She moved her head to the other side, but there was no escaping. "But please bear with me while I do."
There amount of distress in his voice was something Sakura had never heard before.
She didn't want to rip out of his grasp anymore. She wanted to hear it, she waited to hear it her entire life. She waited to hear it since the end of the war, when the apology was due but never appeared.
"Why have you been acting like you did? You knew my feelings, you didn't have any revenge to follow, any curse upon you, then WHY? I need explanations. I need hell of explanations."
"Because I was a coward." He searched her eyes again.
She held his gaze – her narrowed eyes should be sufficient indication that it was not enough. "I was afraid that forming a bond will make me lesser… Less capable, less strong, less noteworthy, just less… And less myself."
"Even if it would be true -which it isn't- it is sick to think like that. To skimp on feelings to appear to be 'more'."
Sasuke hung his head. "I know." He swallowed thickly. "You were so cheerful around me, so determined that I took you for granted. It never crossed my mind I should or need to make an effort. And it is an effort for me to… be more open. To show anything."
"Anything like what?"
"Like feelings. It takes even more effort to admit screw-ups. So I just didn't do it. It was simpler like that. You always went so easy on me; I never needed to make an effort. So I didn't. Preferred to pretend I am above it all and I didn't care about attachments because it fitted better to this image of myself that I had in my head. And somewhere in the back of my mind I was reassured that whatever I would do, you would always be there. Until you weren't there anymore…
Sakura held herself stiff. "And now? What are you doing here now?"
"I'm admitting. All the screw-ups – those from the years back and those more recent ones as well. And I am admitting that when you were gone, I missed you."
Sakura kept silent. And still – her arms all the time far away from where he was holding her. Something was growing in her, something huge. It was unfolding, taking more and more space inside her. Something that was heavy and dense was now decompressing.
"It took you long enough."
"It took me several visits to Konoha to ask about your whereabouts. And another two to ask when are you planning to come back."
"And what did they say?"
"That you're not coming back. It got me thinking… That… that maybe I screwed up."
"And nothing I did or said all those years didn't get you thinking?! Seriously?"
"I guess I didn't expect you had limits."
Sakura laughed. She felt almost giddy from that alien feeling inside her. "Everyone has limits! How could you imagine I don't?!"
"You never showed that you were displeased with me."
"Why should I do it? For you to call me annoying again?! To start avoiding me?"
"No. For me to understand how should I act not to make you unhappy."
"Do you need it in print or what?! Just use your brain! Is it so hard to show a bit of consideration?" She paused. She was shaking from agitation and it was difficult to formulate sentences because too many words were pressing on her lips. That decompressing sensation was pushing at her from the inside, making her feel like she would start levitating any moment now. "Last time you've been in the village you left without a common decency goodbye. You said that I would have made a scene. That I had made one already." She never expected she would be able to talk with such spite to none other but Sasuke. But that act, that was a slap on the face. And a public one on top of it, because in front of Naruto. And even if no one else but Naruto was to witness it, to Sakura their little universe of Team 7 mattered more than whole crowd of strangers.
Sasuke bit his lip. "I did."
"Please enlighten me: when exactly did I make a 'scene' before?!" She would be floating above the ground now if not that grip on her hips.
Sasuke met her eyes with full determination even though his words where coming excruciatingly slow. "I said it on purpose so you wouldn't get too comfortable around me. A preventive measure of sorts. Because after you asked me about my plans for future I got scared that you will confront me with a choice. I didn't want to be forced to make decisions."
"This is disgusting. You are disgusting." Sakura grabbed his wrists and tried to push his hands away. Sasuke shook his head and only tighten his grip.
"I'm not letting you go. I will confront all your anger. Right here and right now."
Oh yes, this decompressing thing filling her up, it was exactly that. Anger.
"You know what? Let's start from the basics then, shall we? You tried to fucking kill me! Have I ever heard even a simple 'I'm sorry for the Iron Country Bridge'? No! Go figure…"
Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "You also tried to kill me. Actually, you tried killing me first."
"I couldn't see anymore what were you doing to the world around you! And to yourself. I couldn't look at what you've become."
"And that gave you the right to decide what am I supposed to become? Did you want to shape me to your wishes?! Mold me into what you had imagined about me?! Weren't you doing it from the very beginning?"
They stared at each other, stones instead of eyes. Chakra was rising in her system and she could feel that in Sasuke's as well. He came here apologizing, but now he was angry as well.
"Yes" she said at last. "Yes, that's what I wanted." She paused. That memory tasted so bitter on her tongue. Tsukuyomi like a mirror shoved into her face with enough force to make her say it despite all the anger. "Something I wouldn't want to do anymore." She felt ashamed by this confession but the anger still wasn't done with her. "It doesn't change the fact that you treated me like nothing. You don't treat a dog like this."
"Have you ever even noticed what kind of person I really am through all that haze of your wishful thinking?" He dug fingers harder into her sides and shook her. "And do you think the fact that you love me gives you the right to decide about my life?"
Sakura balled her fists. "You've hurt me. Over and over and over again."
Blood red flashed in Sasuke eyes. He closed them and took a deeper breath.
"Yes. Yes I did. I know it. Yet here we stand."
"Here we stand."
"Sakura. I am here because I want a new start. I recognize my mistakes. Those against Konoha and those specifically against you. They haunt me at night. Especially those against you. But you have to understand that it wasn't my fault that I didn't reciprocate your feelings back then. You don't get to choose whom you love… you know it better than anyone else." Sasuke swallowed. "That would be really ironic if now…"
It seemed that his voice faltered him in the very end. It was the most she ever heard from Sasuke during a span of one day. Now he was looking at her with distress, bent in front of her, but no words were coming out anymore. 'There it is, in the end he cannot say it aloud.' That realization was so familiar and endearing that something burst inside of Sakura. It was as she always expected it would happen – Sasuke can't say it and she will have to connect the dots herself. In that one thing at least, it seemed that she has truly known him. Her lips curved trying to smile and cry in the same time. She blinked and tears went streaming down her face.
"Don't cry. Don't cry because of me again. I'm so sorry. So sorry."
He was so close. So close and she wasn't turning her face away anymore.
"That's all right," she said and huge weight fell down from her like shackles. "Sasuke, it's all right now." She struggled to smile again but her lips were not cooperating. She put her palms over his hands and stroke gently.
When he angled his head and caught her lips, she was smiling already. She kissed him back and she couldn't care less about the marketplace around them.
A/N: And this is it... Thanks for reading and please let me know what you think :)
