"Time traveling Tyler Durden?!"
Before going to bed, Harry made a mental note to fetch his signing-bonus Time Turner from MacGonagall and retroactively leave it in his top dresser drawer before he woke up.
When he woke up he found nothing in his top dresser drawer but a note reading "Bugger, I forgot. Try next drawer down."
There was a Time Turner in the next drawer down. He hung it around his neck and looked at himself in the dormitory mirror. Apparently Flavor Flav was a Time Lord, who knew?
On his way downstairs to breakfast he got wedgied by the Gryffindor Inquisition, which was one of the drawbacks to being a Ravenclaw, and made another mental note to wreak horrible revenge.
While planning his horrible revenge he got distracted, walked down one floor too many and found Neville Longbottom being wedgied by the Slytherin Inquisition.
Harry's mental Tony Stark tapped the shoulder of his mental Bruce David Bob Banner. "Right, that's it," he said, in the throes of moral epiphany. "Only I am allowed to trash bozoes!"
He suddenly felt a rustle in his pocket and when he checked it found a note in his own handwriting reading "Third drawer. Now look up."
He looked up. All the Slytherins were lying unconscious on the floor.
"Um, yay?" said Neville.
"Huh," said Harry, and put his arm around Neville and took him to breakfast and gave him a donut and apologized for having accidentally crunched his frog, and then gave him a wedgie when corrected on the species.
"You make it hard to love you," said Neville.
"Science!" remarked Harry.
After breakfast Harry returned to the dormitory and found, in the third drawer of his dresser, directions concerning the use of the Time Turner, an Invisibility Cloak tagged "Property Of Ur Dad" in green ink, and a stout stick.
"Cool beans," he said, slapping the knobkerrie into his hand with a meaty smack. "I always said free will was overrated. Not that I had any choice in saying it. ...say, I wonder why no one else with a Time Turner does this sort of thing?"
He never did remember to get the Time Turner from MacGoohan, but it didn't seem to make any difference.
