Kaidan got very busy very quickly with strategy and planning and a lot of lists. He was almost excited about it, which reminded Shepard that for a soldier, he was kind of a nerd. He spent a lot of time in her quarters, debating ideas and plans back and forth with her and also in other activities, and she'd had a rough reminder that she wasn't the Commander Shepard quite yet when she got told off for suspicions of fraternizing with a subordinate.
It wasn't like Garrus, Tali and Wrex weren't just as involved in strategizing, but Tali and Garrus seemed to prefer to bounce ideas off each other in private for no reason Shepard could think of, and Wrex mostly just wanted to be told where to shoot and/or hit. Joker and Chakwas had occasional opinions, but they hadn't been on the ground like the rest of them, and most of what they knew was second-hand already. So it was Kaidan who spent most of his time in her cabin, and there was no other motive behind it whatsoever.
She decided to pretend no one on her crew had snitched on her and resorted to leaving the door open whenever they were both in there. Most of the time. At the very least when they were actually working. No one bothered her about it again, but she was still looking forward for the awe, respect and leeway that time and bringing down Saren would bring.
"And they say fame isn't everything," Kaidan had said dramatically when she told him.
She scoffed. "It's not the fame I want. Just the intimidation. And the immunity to go along with it."
"The immunity to what? Make out with your subordinates?"
"You complaining?" She arched an eyebrow at him.
"So, I was thinking about this mission we should stumble on in a few weeks-" he evaded obnoxiously, in a de facto declaration of surrender.
They had to plan for people beyond missions too, however. Shepard had various contacts spread out all over that were secured over a previous life, some of whom were clearly part of the group whose memories were now prophetic. Whenever she caught one of them probing for information and assurances they weren't insane, she established contact and awaited their messages.
Samara sent one full of reasonable and correct assumptions, praising that justice had been made and Shepard's sacrifice honored with a renewed chance at life, and explaining that since her lifelong mission had been reset, she could not currently join her in her righteous quest. The pang of guilt that Shepard felt at that was beset by the Justicar's vow that her loyalties hadn't changed, and that she would come when needed, but also that she trusted Shepard herself to do the same. Zaeed sent her a very short email made even shorter by the decorative expletives he'd filled it with, along with a repeating mantra of 'goddamn, Shepard'. Kasumi simply expressed amusement, excitement and awe at it all. Neither of them seemed to think their place was with her either, however – which was fine by Shepard, because having a network of agents spread over different species' space and the Terminus Systems was not the worst thing she could think of.
Less solvable problems, however, included Javik, Legion, Jack, Grunt, and anyone else in some form of captivity or otherwise unreachable. Shepard could keep data monitoring for them, but there wasn't much to do beyond that, either for lack of information, resources, or access. The list of people for whom this was true only led her to briefly ponder the emerging trend in the life situations of many of the people she was closest to.
Shepard told herself that people would be people and by doing it slowly and using delegating prowess, she could make sure everyone was accounted for and safe, but she couldn't possibly reach everyone at once, not on top of Saren. Her friends were resourceful, and she trusted her efforts were being shared by everyone she held dear, all over the galaxy.
The whole thing was working too. Quickly, quietly, and on their way to what Shepard knew were more urgent problems, they fixed a lot of smaller ones that she remembered everyone kicking her way while she had her hands full already. Most of them only required a vid-call at this stage, too, which was pragmatic.
She insisted on finding and handling Toombs herself and immediately, though, which they managed because Shepard had memorized the list of scientists he'd been hunting. It went about as well as it had gone last time, and also just like last time, Akuze and his accusations (past and future) crowded her thoughts and actions for days afterward – but at least a bunch of unscrupulous scientists lived and were being held accountable. She had to see her victories somewhere. She also needed to have someone oversee him with a little tighter care, however – the e-mail he'd sent while she was working with Cerberus hadn't hinted at closure.
But there were long-term problems too, problems that couldn't be solved without the right timing and circumstances. Every time she walked in her quarters, there were several datapads spread over every available surface, the most prominent of which permanently displayed a list of names. 'ASHLEY' was written at the top, in bold, large letters, and her heart did a summersault whenever she caught sight of it. It felt like the old memorial wall on the SR-2, but it was list of stakes instead of a list of failures, which made it a hell of a lot more taxing.
She couldn't fail. If only she could get everyone to fall in line.
"Saren's mine," Nihlus said evenly, in lieu of starting off the morning's debrief. Shepard knew what he was doing. But she hadn't gone this far without knowing how to handle tests and power struggles.
She saw several heads swivel in her direction in alarm when she cleared her throat. "I'm pretty invested in getting him myself." She wasn't usually so confrontational, and there was no reason to detract from what could easily be a perfectly cooperative relationship, but this was Saren, and her head never felt all that clear when it came to him.
Plus, Nihlus needed to be taken down a peg, and he also needed a reminder that he was on her ship, under her command.
He frowned at her, probably sensing her mood.
Kaidan, bless him, coughed and made an attempt to deescalate before there was any escalation. "The point being, I think, that everyone's goal is to stop him. Let's not invent conflict where there isn't any, I'm pretty sure we've got enough as it is."
Nihlus looked between the two of them, his expression derisive and calculating. "Are all your subordinates this - outspoken?"
Kaidan bristled and it was her turn at deescalating. "Just the ones who can think for themselves. Why? Is that a quality you haven't often encountered in the people you work with?"
He glared at her. "Hopefully he's just as good at following orders as he is at thinking, then."
A suspicion of who it was exactly that had raised issues to the Alliance about her relationship with Kaidan began forming in her mind, and her dislike grew. She didn't remember having a negative impression of the other Spectre, and he didn't seem about to retract any recommendation he'd made regarding her to the Council, but he was certainly a difficult character. He'd been a soldier too long. Shepard could relate.
"I expect him – and everyone else – to follow orders with their better judgement."
For a few tense seconds, they sized each other up. Then Nihlus' expression smoothed out.
"You run your ship pretty casual, Commander," Nihlus noted. "But results are results. Your methods may be - unique - but I won't question them."
"Thank you," she nodded, and just like that, she knew any issues had been resolved. Or, well, most, she decided, noticing Kaidan's expression.
Shepard had insisted on rescuing Liara immediately, which had not sat well with Nihlus, who wanted to throw himself at their problem and hope to crush it on willpower alone. She'd told him as much – again – which had resulted in their confrontation, and now he was venting out his frustrations somewhere hopefully not too breakable. She had a feeling he would not be up to accompanying her on this assignment.
Both Garrus and Tali were, though, with an eagerness that Kaidan and Wrex deferred to. Ashley seemed to surmise they were all familiar with Dr. T'Soni, and Shepard was getting a funny feeling that the suspicions the chief was steadily and clearly growing weren't going to stay quiet much longer. She wasn't sure what she'd do if she had to explain to Ashley what was going on, because it sounded insane even to people it had happened to.
"I say let your life speak for itself, she'll catch on quickly enough after you straight-up kill your first AI metaphor for a god," was Kaidan's suggestion, and Shepard decided Nihlus might have had a point calling him out on his sass.
Three years had made a much more dangerous enemy out of Liara T'Soni, and so this time around, by the time they were done with the mission, they managed to walk out of it at a leisurely pace. For once.
"Took you long enough," Liara said, breathing heavily as her biotics powered down. Then she threw herself into Shepard's arms with a sob.
"Hey, hey, shh, it's okay, I'm okay," she soothed, almost alarmed at the asari's reaction.
"I'm sorry," Liara breathed, pulling back. Her eyes were still teary. "I've been thrown for a loop. This – this time-travel thing has messed with my balance. My thoughts are out of order."
"Uh – we all feel fine. I think," Garrus said in surprise, glancing at Tali, who shrugged. "No disorderly heads."
"It must be an asari thing," Shepard concluded dubiously.
Liara just sniffled in response. "We should get out of here."
Tali chattered at her the whole way back to the Normandy, which saved Shepard having to rattle off the same narrative again, but did not save her from the asari's attention and concern, nor from her occasional startled and/or tearful gasps.
"Shepard," she said eventually, as they finally arrived at the ship. She almost seemed speechless. "I don't even know what to say."
Garrus patted her on the back before Shepard had to open her mouth. "Say what we all seem to have to say on the regular. 'Thank you so much and how the hell are you still alive?!'"
Liara offered him a dry look and that seemed enough to bring her back to normal. Then she paused for a second, considering. "Shepard. Thank you. And I'm very glad you're still alive."
"That works too," Garrus agreed, and Shepard gave the asari a one-armed hug.
Nihlus predictably made all sorts of snide comments regarding Liara's mother and her loyalties, and from the way her eyes narrowed at each one, Shepard was glad she was still just an asari doctor and not the Shadow Broker. Which frankly meant very little, because it was just going to make her itch to get started on taking over his legacy that much quicker.
The post-mission debrief ended and Liara announced her intention to rest with an upturned nose and a nasty look toward Nihlus, to which the Spectre merely crossed his arms in defiance. The turian was becoming a nuisance and it was clear that Shepard was going to be the one to have to deal with it before someone else did something less polite about it. Liara was not a good person to be on frosty terms with.
But not now. Currently, there was another problem that needed dealing with.
"Tali," Shepard called, watching everyone file out, "a moment?"
Just before he left, Garrus met her eyes appreciatively, because he was probably already way ahead of her. In Shepard's defense, it's not like she'd had a lot of time to spare. How was she supposed to fit these conversations into her schedule, particularly as she didn't want to have them at all?
Tali came wandering back in her direction, looking stricken and like she suspected what Shepard wanted to talk about. "Need something, Shepard?" she greeted warily.
"To talk. About your father, more specifically," Shepard added, leaning her hip against the table.
Tali groaned, body going limp for a heavy drop into a random chair. "Funnily enough, I've been trying to avoid thinking about him at all. And yet, everyone seems very intent in bringing him up."
"Everyone cares about you, Tali, we're worried," Shepard said gently. "We just want to help."
"I know," the quarian defended, disgruntled. "And I know I need it. It's just – it's not easy to think about yet. I'm still adjusting."
"What's the situation right now?"
Tali sighed in frustration. "I've barely been able to speak with him, and I used to, often. He'll realize something's wrong soon. And I don't know how to fix it."
Shepard hummed. "So talk to him. Work it out."
Tali made a noise between a scoff and a laugh. "That's what Garrus said."
"Seems like solid advice."
"But how? What do I say? I don't even know if he's started his research yet."
"Bring up geth and go from there. Engage the topic."
She didn't seem convinced. "And then what? After all is said and done, whatever comes, what do I do? Do I move on? Do my people? He's still the man who would do such things. That hasn't changed. So what will?"
"What did Garrus say?"
Tali leaned her head against the chair, gently and tiredly. "He said that ultimately, it would be his choice. That I can argue with my father all day, contest his opinions, try to explain to him why he's wrong, but that's all I can do. Only he can change his mind. But-" she swallowed dry air, sounding choked up. "It is not that simple. He's my father. I don't want him dead, no matter what he did or will do. I can't just let-"
"I know, Tali."
"I buried him," she said, voice sharp and fragile at the same time. "How do I even look a ghost in the eye?"
Shepard took her hand in comfort. Tali sniffed but squeezed back. "A timeless question. Haven't figured it out either."
Tali sighed. "It's a pointless sentiment anyway. I'll do it anyway and deal with it later."
"Just remember this ship's full of people who'll gladly lend you an ear or anything else you need, anytime. I'll fight Garrus for first place in line. Don't do this alone."
"Thanks, Shepard. I appreciate it." Tali rolled her shoulders, visibly shaking it off. "So? Any advice?"
"For now? Garrus is right. Debate his opinions and maybe you'll get him to think twice about this. When the time comes that he starts asking you for the geth parts – if he ever does – then you intervene more directly. I don't think there's anything else you can do."
Frustrated, the quarian stood and paced abruptly. "Exactly. I know all these things and I can't do anything about it. Isn't that infuriating to you?" she exclaimed, slamming a fist on her open palm. "Don't you wish you could just grab a megaphone and start yelling at everyone in the middle of the Citadel?"
Shepard snorted. "Sure. Sometimes. But then I realize that'd just work as an anger outlet. No one would listen. It wouldn't actually help anything beyond making me feel better."
Tali struck some dramatic showman's pose. "And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you save a galaxy. I don't know why you still bother, Shepard."
"Galaxy's got its moments. Plus, there are things I just like too much in it."
"Guess we've got to be adults, don't we?" Tali sighed. "Smart and mature and make pondered decisions."
"I don't like it either."
That drew a laugh out of her. "Thanks for listening, Shepard. I'll let you know if anything changes."
"No problem."
Tali fist-bumped her on her way out, and Shepard demurred in following her simply because she knew there was someone else she needed to talk to, about a possibly even less appealing subject. Unfortunately, if she didn't, no one would, and if no one did, someone was going to either end up maimed or – worst case scenario - complaining to her.
She found Nihlus by himself in the cargo bay, listening in silence to Saren's dossier being read out-loud from his omnitool and violently exercising at the same time. She was starting to suspect it was a turian thing to eventually grow angry, bitter and disillusioned. Well then, if she'd set Garrus straight, Nihlus should be a piece of cake.
"Can I help you?"
She snapped out of her distraction. "No. Hopefully I can help you, though."
"Oh?" He sounded scornful.
She sighed. This was going to take a while. She sat down on the floor cross-legged, eyed him expectantly, and after a moment of deliberation, he sat against the wall too. She almost thanked him for such an abject show of cooperation.
"Tell me something, Shepard," he began unexpectedly as she was still trying to figure out a path for this conversation. "Have you ever felt you should be dead?"
She froze. "You could say that."
He glanced at her. "Really?"
She shrugged. "Too many skeletons in my closet. Not what I'm here to talk about."
He scoffed and ignored the second half of her statement. "Skeletons get buried. The closet is for things you want to keep."
"Too true." She didn't elaborate but he seemed to get it.
He shook his head. "You let ghosts hang around you all day, you can't do your job."
"Maybe they're why you do it."
"You're one of those soldiers, then. Hmm. You seem too young for it."
"A girl always does like to hear that." She crossed her arms. "You done trying to turn the conversation on me?"
He cracked a grin. "What did you say, the other day, about cooperation? Seems like a two-way thing."
"Fine. Let's do it this way, one question for each, as many questions as needed."
"We're bonding, are we?"
"We're working together, and I like to get to know the people I'm trusting my back with."
He considered her. "This is strange, you know. Spectres aren't supposed to team up. We work alone. There shouldn't be two on the same ship, let alone the same mission. I'm not even going to mention your crew."
She shrugged. "My experience is that cooperation never hurts anyone."
He shook his head. "You're an idealist. Damn. And here I was actually starting to respect you."
She cracked a smile. "Nothing wrong with good ideas. You should try it sometime."
He laughed. "I walked into that one."
"You did. Can I ask my question?"
He sighed. "Shoot."
"You were saying, about feeling like you should be dead – care to elaborate?"
"What's there to elaborate about? I think it's a pretty straightforward sentiment. I nearly was dead. Saren had a gun to my head. I would be dead if you hadn't shown up."
"Nah. There's more to it." Way too much more, from where she was standing. "Come on."
He was silent for a long time. She almost pressed him further, but then he started speaking.
"It's like everything is a little off." He crossed his arms. "Did you know I was supposed to be your mentor for a handful of missions?"
"I figured."
"Yeah, well. That didn't happen. And know we're working 'together'. Worse, I'm reporting to you." He snorted.
She eyed him wearily. "I'm not planning on just ordering you around, but I expect some semblance of a chain of command, Nihlus."
He shook his head. "I know. I'm not saying I won't. I'm just saying that…"
"Everything's a little off." And he didn't know the half of it.
"Yeah." He paused. "Saren was my mentor."
"I know."
He huffed. "I don't know how all of this happened. One minute I'm on a run-of-the-mill mission, trying to scope out a potential Spectre, and suddenly she saves me from being shot in the back of the head by the one person I thought-" He clenched his jaw. Or the turian equivalent of it. "Then she just casually walks up all cool and professional and, just like that, she's taken charge of saving the galaxy or some other such nonsense."
"Yeah. Side effect of meeting me, I'm starting to suspect." He laughed at her. "That nonsense, though. I'm not doing it alone, you know. No one is. No one can."
He looked displeased. "I'm aware, Commander Shepard. And if you're here to tell me off for not playing nice with others, I'll have you know I play nice when it counts."
"It counts always," she said firmly. "But I'm not here to 'tell you off'. I'm here to talk. I meant that."
"Alright. My question, then. Tell me about one of your skeletons."
She wasn't going to get out of this one. So she thought long and carefully before she opened her mouth. "There was this mission," she began slowly. "It went wrong and I had to- I had to make a choice. Don't ask me for details. Alliance stuff." He shrugged, gestured as though telling her to go on. "One of my squad mates - my friends - was going to be overrun by enemy fire, and the other was – was wrapping up the objective. It was, uh, the exploding kind. And he was injured." There was a pause. "One of them was going to be left behind for dead. And I – made a decision. Supposedly the safe one." She fell silent.
"Calls like that are always hard," he said, watching her carefully. He knew there was more to it – was waiting to see if she'd cop to it. It would probably determine how the rest of the conversation would go.
She wanted his trust. "I picked Kaidan."
"Ah." His tone was peculiar, and she felt compelled to continue.
"I'd known him for a little while by then, and – well. I wonder a lot – what I'd have done if it were anyone else. Hell, if the positions were reversed, and he was the one being overrun by enemy fire, would I have gone for him anyway? Or would I have made the 'sound tactical decision'?" she said, doing air quotes.
"You don't know. You'll never know. You have one shot at making a choice." Hopefully, she really wouldn't have to make it again. "You made it. It's too late to second-guess it. What's it matter now?"
"It'll always matter."
"On some level, sure. How quietly can a dead body possibly scream at you from the past? On the other hand, however, how loudly?"
Very loudly. She was stomping around somewhere right then, Shepard could bet. Probably Joker or Kaidan's fault. A change of subject was in order. "Do you think Alenko's a liability?" she asked, not really sure why she was asking or how much weight his answer would carry with her. But with Nihlus on the ship, she wasn't the only immediate authority around anymore. That had more benefits than she'd expected.
A grin flashed across his face. "Was that your next question?"
She narrowed her eyes at him. "Nope, has nothing to do with you proper, can't be."
He smirked. "Hmm. Loopholes. Hate those." He paused. "I think he's an asset."
"I meant-"
"I know what you meant," Nihlus said, "and I gave you my opinion. But if it makes you feel better, I'll be there to keep it straight if need be."
"Thanks, I guess."
"You're an experienced soldier, Shepard. I think you can trust yourself to handle these things."
"I know. I do."
"Your turn to ask a question."
She mulled over it for a minute. "You're alienating everyone on this ship deliberately. I think you enjoy appearing unapproachable. Why?"
"And why not?"
"I thought we'd been through this. No one's doing this alone."
"I didn't think I was. That doesn't mean we should all start making friendship bracelets. I don't see how that helps win a fight."
"Yes, you do, because you're not stupid."
Unperturbed, he stared at her for a long time. "Just because you have a team, that doesn't mean they're loyal to you."
"No, that's what the friendship bracelets are for. Or, to be clear, whatever they're supposed to be in this metaphor."
Nihlus sighed. "Didn't I tell you Spectres work alone?"
"Have we not established that's obviously not what's happening here?"
"Tell me, Shepard," Nihlus said with an abrupt change of tone. "If you were given a bad order, would you follow it?"
"Not your turn to ask a question."
"This is part of my answer."
"Depends on your definition of bad."
"Bad. The kind you'd put in the closet after it's done."
"If there was a better way, then no. I wouldn't."
"Just like that? It's insubordination, you know."
"It's using my better judgement."
"I agree. But that doesn't always win you a lot of friends."
Shepard arched an eyebrow. "Then they don't sound like people I'd want to be friends with."
Nihlus looked frustrated. "No, that's not what I mean. Misunderstandings, misconceptions, fear, stupidity, ambiguous rules, a general lack of hard evidence and suddenly you look like the bad guy. Even if you know you made the right decision."
She knew exactly what he was saying and yet. "Trust is something you earn. And sometimes," Shepard struggled, remembering the way her heart had broken a little on Horizon, "something you lose. But time goes by, and things pile up. Cover-ups get uncovered, warnings get heeded even if too late, people understand what once might have seemed incomprehensible. And in the end, we're all judged by the truth. Somehow, eventually, you have to believe that's real."
"That's hopeful and optimistic," he replied in a cynical voice.
"Yeah. What's wrong with that?"
Nihlus shook his head. "You can't be this naïve after all the things you've told me today."
"Don't confuse cynicism with realism. Or wisdom. Because if you're in this expecting things to stay the same, and you still fight anyway, where's the logic or wisdom in that? If, on the other hand, you notice the small things – see the little shifts in the water that you know spell change, if you give blood for hope alone, to make the tiniest ripple, and understand that it's important, that's realism. That's what good people stick around for."
Nihlus didn't seem to have an answer to that. "I'll think about what you've said," he said finally.
"Thank you."
"One last question, Shepard."
"Go ahead."
"Where do we end up? Once this is done?"
She wasn't sure what his pronoun game was referring to, so she decided to answer as vaguely as possible. "On the other side. Hopefully, all of us intact."
"You're a good woman, and I'm glad you're a Spectre. The universe could use more people like you." Nihlus shook his head. "I hope you're right. You're the right person to get us there, if anyone can."
She stood, feeling satisfied with the outcome of the conversation. She nodded at his omnitool. "Quit listening to that shit. I'll bet you know it by heart at this point. Focus on what you have to do, not on him."
"You use ghosts as reasons. This is my version of a ghost."
"Maybe those aren't the healthiest ideas."
"Yup."
She didn't exactly have the moral high ground to argue further. "My door's always open," she said instead.
He seemed amused. "Yeah, if only to make sure no one gets any funny ideas about Lieutenant Alenko's relationship with his commanding officer."
She gave him a half dry, half accusing look. "Turns out someone has already, though. Know anything about that?"
Nihlus shrugged. Shepard rolled her eyes and left. It was a good start, she supposed. If all she could achieve was getting him to think, she had faith it would be enough.
As she headed back up, headspace full of noise from the memories Nihlus had unwittingly dug up, she heard him take up his exercising routine again, but in silence.
