Liara was usually the buzzkill, but since she was in a precarious emotional state, Shepard had to be the one to step up and call it for the alcohol intake. Ashley's tongue was beginning to loosen along with her inhibitions, which was a sure sign that they should quit while they were ahead.
"I'm just going to the bathroom," Kaidan said, speech not quite slurred but not as alert as Shepard liked it.
She watched him. He stood and even managed to get both feet firmly on the ground without wobbling twice. Something was off, she decided, as he walked away. She couldn't tell what, probably because of the alcohol her brain was soaking up, but her ears prickled. She focused her hearing in the direction Kaidan had disappeared to and instantly became hyperaware.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" a female voice whisper-shrieked. "That's an Alliance marine, put that down!"
"Not the greatest idea, gotta agree," Kaidan's calm voice said, somehow devoid of alcoholic influence now. She heard it echoing in her earpiece too. He was obviously trying to get their attention. The music was loud, but they were somehow louder, half-hidden in a corner Shepard could barely see from her seat. "Why don't you hand me that gun butt-first before anyone gets hurt?"
She stood up immediately and all four squad mates still with her were right on her heel.
"He was with those other Alliance types, and he was walking our way, he was gonna bust us!" a male voice growled in response, which Shepard classified as incredibly stupid even though she really wasn't supposed to be able to tell that from a voice.
"For what, you complete idiot?! They're gonna come our way now for sure," the woman hissed again. Shepard reached them, weapons already drawn. The woman's back was to them as she furiously berated her friend, and Kaidan was just standing there bemusedly. The burly guy, who now looked afraid as he noticed Shepard, was still aiming his gun irregularly.
"We were actually not here for you," Ashley commented, her hand also hovering near the trigger. "Emphasis on the past tense."
The woman threw her hands in the air and turned to face them. "See? They were getting goddamn hammered, blissfully unaware – what in God's name, Jane? Seriously?"
For a second, echoes screamed from a faraway planet - a mess of cropped black hair, large pretty eyes full of trickery, and a pixie-like frame leaning slightly away from people as though prepared to take off running at any time. Shepard almost dropped her gun. "This must be a bad joke. May, get that dumbass to drop his weapon or so help me."
May obliged and head-slapped her crony, which was not the approach Shepard would have personally taken, considering he still had his finger on the trigger of a gun pointed in Kaidan's general direction. She involuntarily lurched forward to do something surely useless, but he'd gotten the message and dropped his arm while taking several steps back from Kaidan's immediate biotic reaction.
"Go take a walk," May snapped at her goon while Shepard gestured for Kaidan to get behind her. Both men complied without a peep, probably due to the expression on the women's faces.
Shepard's scowl was directed at May, however, who was a braver person than most, because she decided to roll her eyes in response.
"He's still pretty and unpunctured, right? So what's the problem?" she asked flippantly. To her credit, Tali managed to keep herself from snorting at that.
"Excuse me, he just threatened an Alliance marine on my watch. I get to decide whether or not there's a problem," Shepard retorted dangerously.
May didn't look as amused all of a sudden. "Look, he's an idiot. A jumpy idiot. It's so hard to get decent help these days. Clearly, no one was ever in any danger. Just – let it go, alright?"
Kaidan coughed pointedly behind her, because he was far too soft-hearted, and Shepard huffed in resignation, finally putting away her weapons. "And why's he so jumpy, exactly? What are you doing here?" she questioned without preamble.
May was beginning to look irritated by Shepard's attitude. "None of your business, Commander." Shepard's glare intensified and May sighed. "Reds business," she admitted.
Liara made a distasteful sound with her throat that indicated she remembered their previous run-in with the Reds on the Citadel.
"Your old gang?" Kaidan asked, glancing at Shepard. "Great. That's – great."
May tutted. "So judgmental and we barely know each other."
Shepard stepped forward to keep May's attention off the Lieutenant. "Not the greatest impression, just now. I know why you're here." She looked defensive but worried, clearly wondering if that was true. "Finch and Curt Weisman?"
May's expression turned defiant, but she looked away and Shepard had won. That had been one hell of a shot in the dark. "Do people just tell you things?"
"You'd be surprised." Shepard cleared her throat as May's eyebrows went up on her forehead. "I'm a Spectre."
"Not sure what that's supposed to explain, but whatever. I came here to beat some sense into Finch's head. He's gone down – a shitty, stupid path. On Weisman's shitty, stupid heels."
"Since when is Finch a sheep?"
That made May furious. "Since always. You seriously don't remember? He was your loyal little guard dog from the get-go. Even then, he latched onto the first hint of authority he saw."
That stung. Shepard gaped at her. "He's a person with all the range of decision-making everyone else has."
"It's just that some of us get a couple different options, right?" May snarled bitterly.
Ashley's mouth dropped open, and Shepard decided she'd better get on damage control. "Don't play the victim. What the hell are you still doing in a gang that turned xenophobic way too long ago?" Shepard demanded, not particularly concerned with her motivations.
May scowled and crossed her arms, the only clue she wasn't entirely unaffected by Shepard's intimidation. "I'm trying to make the Reds the gang Commander Shepard came out of. I'm trying to help the good people in it that had nowhere to turn when you left."
Shepard flinched and almost took a step back. "No, there's no way you can put this on me. It's a gang. The guy in custody is a two-bit terrorist."
May looked ashamed, which was good, because she could see Garrus scowling out of the corner of her eye. If she didn't make this quick or force them to give her a little space, someone was going to interfere in a deceptively unhelpful manner. "I know. I'm sorry. That was stupid. I'm just a little – I didn't expect to see you again, is all."
Shepard felt her cheeks redden. "Okay."
May blew a long breath. "My point is that – the kids you remember from back when, they're still there. Different names, different faces, same old sob stories. They're still with the Reds, and not all of them are the Finch's or Weisman's of the universe. They're just scared and optionless. I'm staying because leaving would feel like betraying them."
Shepard looked away because withstanding her gaze felt like being punched in the gut. "I'm not-"
"I'm not saying that's what you did, Jane. Hell, look at you," she deliberately scanned her up and down. "You do way more to help out there than you could do hanging out with a bunch of street rats. But me – I can do something."
"Fine," Shepard snapped finally. "Fine. I – I'll go talk to Finch and the guard then, and-"
"I'll handle Finch," May said impatiently. "Curt can rot with the turians for all I care, about time and good riddance." She sounded rather vicious but in a satisfied way.
"You sure you-"
"Yes," she interrupted. "I'm still alive, aren't I? Just 'cause you were the perpetual white knight hanging around doesn't mean the rest of us can't learn a few tricks while you're busy cleaning up after the Council. Plus, you were fun to watch, that's an educative experience too," she added, and her tone was so suggestive that Kaidan choked very loudly.
"Alright, you know what, we'll be over there," Tali said briskly, grabbing Kaidan by the arm and physically dragging him away. Shepard needed to appreciate the quarian more. Garrus, Ashley and Liara hurried after them.
May watched them go with narrowed eyes, Kaidan particularly closely, and then turned back to Shepard to see her looking away, which resulted in some sort of conclusion flashing across her face.
"Sensitive fellows, aren't they?"
Shepard glared. "No. Professional ones."
"Oh, sure. How professional is the honey-eyed ken doll over there, namely when you've got him all to yourself?"
"May."
She smiled, and Shepard almost didn't notice a little sadness behind it. "Oh, relax. It's – it's good you have someone. Your job – your life's gotta be tough."
And just like that the mood had soured in a melancholic way, which was so much worse than anger in a lot of ways.
"It's not so bad."
"I bet." She paused. "How's it compare to the streets?"
Shepard rolled her eyes, lips tightening. "It doesn't."
"How verbose. I see the Alliance has beaten the poetry out of you."
"It's step three in their indoctrination."
"But not the god-awful jokes, praise be."
Shepard crossed her arms. "You know, I'm rather fond of the Alliance. Could you possibly avoid slandering us in my presence?"
"Yes, that hasn't changed either. If there was some good in you going off-planet, it was that you finally got your dream job."
The amusement drained out of Shepard quickly. "I hope the good is more than just that."
May pulled a face. "No-joke topic, gotcha."
"I- You know, you're the reason I left," Shepard said, somehow stuck on the topic. May looked confused, so she elaborated. "You were talking, before, you said I'd left you all behind – you're why."
"What's that supposed to mean?" May said angrily, stiffening at the mood swing.
"I meant – it's just that I wouldn't have been able to do it if not for you. I needed a push."
"Ah." She retracted. "Yeah, I remember." Her eyes became unfocused, and Shepard revisited old memories too. "You could always find a way to sabotage yourself when you wanted to. I just stopped you, that time."
"Why?"
May seemed to give that some thought. "A sudden and painfully clear moment of foresight."
Shepard hesitated. "I- Well, thanks."
Something in her expression triggered May to spill her guts out, probably out of a need to air feelings she hadn't had a chance to in years. Shepard couldn't exactly begrudge her that, so she kept her mouth shut and listened. "You know, right up until the last moment, I fooled myself thinking it wasn't goodbye forever. And then, I saw you all suited up, new haircut, just a backpack with all your stuff and-" May shook her head and didn't finish her sentence. "But you, you were something else. It was like I was seeing you for the first time. Full picture, the great big hero of Earth." She rolled her shoulders like she was shaking away something unpleasant. "It was right about then I realized I was never going to be able to keep you. You're not the staying type."
Shepard winced and didn't bother denying it. "Life's more than- sometimes, there are more important things."
May burst out laughing. "Hell yeah. There's the Shepard I know. Sucking all the romance out of everything. I was beginning to think that preppy marine had finally put you off cynicism."
Shepard rolled her eyes but fought a smile. May was contemplating her fondly, and she realized they were gearing up for a full-on nostalgic trip through memory lane, which she wanted to prevent. "It was good to see you," she said, finally. "And-"
"It's alright. We're good."
"We are."
May's smile grew sharper. "I should be on my way now. And you probably have to go do something I'll check out on the vids next week." There was a reckless flash of instinct on her expression and she hesitated for a brief moment before bringing up her omnitool. "And here. A contact. For – any eventualities." Primly, she flicked her wrist and the soft orange glow vanished. Shepard glanced down at her own to see the incoming data. She forwarded it to Miranda on a whim.
"Thanks."
May saluted, only mostly ironic. "Don't die, Commander Jane Shepard of the Alliance Navy. See ya."
Then she was gone. Kaidan suddenly materialized beside her. "So, did you catch up?" he asked, attempting casual and achieving a nervous smile.
She wanted to laugh at him, felt it bubbling up to the surface, even. Instead, she considered him for several moments while he looked increasingly uncomfortable. "I'd stay for you," she realized. "If you asked me to. Which you won't. But the point stands." She tore her gaze away from Kaidan's wide-eyed expression to look in the direction May had disappeared to. "I wouldn't for her. I didn't for her. But I would. For you."
Then she strode off to warn Curt Weisman's guard anyway, because May was trustworthy but Shepard wasn't idiotic. Kaidan scrambled after her but didn't try to press further. There were still things that she wasn't good at, for all her maturity.
Shit, he really had put her off cynicism.
"We'll just get back to the drinking then, if you don't mind," Garrus called after her, and Ashley actually offered him a high-five. Tali attempted two strange but enthusiastic thumbs-up. Liara hesitated for a moment, and then joined them with a sigh and a wrinkled nose.
Kaidan held out all the way through warning the guard, plus a few dozen meters more. "Shepard," he began when he broke at last, and she cut him off immediately.
"Yes, she-" She stuttered and kept going. "We were teenagers. Before I enlisted."
Kaidan didn't seem to know what to do with his face other than flushing slightly. "Oh, okay," was all he said.
Shepard snorted. "Out with it."
"Nothing to be out with," he denied immediately. "She's – she seemed nice, you never did say if you caught up," he said, stumbling over his own words lamely.
She hummed, disregarding what he was saying entirely in favor of his body language. "Your jealously is- shockingly not as annoying as I thought it would be, which is personally insulting me a bit."
"Does everything have to be complicated or a moral standoff?" he grumbled.
"Not with you, for the most part."
"Well, good. In that case, I didn't like her, I thought she was way too handsy. Also, terrible attitude."
Shepard was laughing. "She didn't touch me once."
"It's the intent that counts."
Shepard suddenly came way too close to him, able to count his eyelashes, and let her hand hover over his chest. She arched an eyebrow. "So – practical application doesn't matter, is that what you're saying?"
He grabbed her hand and wove his fingers through it tightly. "Fine. It does matter a little. A lot," he added hastily when she made to pull back. She smirked and pecked his lips. He frowned in hesitation, like there was a bug wheezing around his head that he was no longer able to ignore. "Before – what were- what did you mean? About staying?"
"You know what I meant. I'm always running. There's a reason I live my life on ships."
The expression on his face didn't change but he pulled her somehow closer, resting his forehead against hers. The artificial wind on the Citadel rustled their hair and Shepard was reminded they were being rather public, even if she couldn't be made to care all that much. "You won't have to stay. I'd follow you anywhere."
"That's nice to know."
That earned her a soft smile. "C'mon, I've had enough of the great outdoors," he muttered, and they headed back to the docking bay and the Normandy in sync.
"What're you thinking about?" Kaidan said, a not insignificant amount of hours later, alone with her in her cabin and perceptive as always. Shepard was lying on her bed, throwing a bouncing ball at the ceiling and ignoring Kaidan's biotics messing with its trajectory.
"Nothing."
"Tell me what you're thinking about," he commanded. "Please?" he added with an angelic smile at her answering glare.
She rose to support herself on her elbows and squint her eyes at him. He caught the bouncing ball from his seat on her chair, and kept it bouncing endlessly on the desk, glowing bright blue.
"Should you be wasting energy like that?"
"You have such a boring definition of the word 'waste'."
"You have such a wasteful definition of the word 'boring'."
"Ha." He let the ball drop into his hand. "I can see the smoke coming from the gears turning in your head, you know. You've been too quiet."
She dropped back again with a sigh, giving up. "I'm just thinking. Trying to remember," she corrected herself. "The way things are changing isn't exactly predictable. What could we have possibly done that I ran into May instead of-"
"Let's not panic, it wasn't an earth-shattering change," Kaidan interrupted quickly before she went on a self-winding tirade. "Small stuff we can handle."
"Small stuff piles up quickly."
"But – we kind of want it to, right?"
Shepard thought for a while, tapping her fingers on her leg. "Yes. We do. You're right." There was a pause. "All the same, I think we're going to start seeing things go way off course now. I wonder-"
"Hey, Shepard, I think we've got a big problem."
Joker's voice was straining in the way it did when he was verging on panic. "Naturally," she muttered sarcastically, jumping to her feet. "Small, did you say, Alenko?"
Kaidan groaned. "We'll head over and talk, Joker, give us a bit." Even as he said it, she was already walking out the door.
"It's Virmire." Somehow, Shepard's pace became faster. "Something's not quite right."
"Helpful and not at all alarming."
"It's Kirrahe's unit," EDI said upon sight on the bridge. She handed Shepard a brightly lit datapad. "I've been monitoring their channels so we'd be alerted immediately as soon as there was need. They've reported in and left Virmire without incident. According to him, there was nothing there. Just an empty base."
"Indoctrination?" Shepard heard a sharp intake of breath from Kaidan's direction at the thought. "Maybe the reapers decided they want a high-ranking salarian spy."
"I'm unsure. It is a possibility."
"Or, Saren's abandoned Virmire for some reason," Joker suggested, back still turned to them as he focused on the screens in front of him.
Shepard's knuckles tightened on his chair. "That's not what happened before."
"Yeah, we know. We were there." Kaidan sounded on edge.
"I want to speak to Kirrahe," Shepard said urgently. "Can you arrange it?"
"In person? It would take a little longer."
"And make it harder to hide the indoctrination."
"Maybe not too much longer," Joker inserted himself back into the conversation, at once smug and helpful. He was scrolling through what was surely data he wasn't supposed to have access to. "I think they're heading this way for supply restock. You might squeeze yourself into his schedule today, even. It'd give Daniels and Donnelly enough time to work out the rest of the upgrades with Adams. EDI's already almost as seamless with this ship as she used to be with the SR-2." Shepard's attention only stumbled slightly at the two names. Miranda had warned her she'd find them familiar. She was going to need to head down to engineering soon.
"Track Kirrahe down," Shepard ordered, back on track. "I thought we'd have more time," she muttered as she strode away.
"Last time, we did. It's tight but not impossible, relax," Kaidan advised, falling into step behind her like always. "One thing at a time."
"Too many goddamned things, that's all."
They returned to her cabin with somehow greater urgency. "We're going to Virmire anyway," Kaidan concluded wisely, correctly reading the situation. She went straight to her desk as soon as she stepped foot inside, briskly opening a drawer and ruffling carelessly through its contents.
"Yes. I need to talk to everybody," she reminded herself. Their break was most assuredly over.
"What are you thinking?"
She came up with the datapad she wanted, powering it up and slamming the drawer closed at the same time. "I'm thinking we plan a recon op."
"What would we be looking for?" He asked, also scanning over the data over her shoulder.
"I don't know. But whatever it is, I'll wager it's gonna be looking for me too. So it shouldn't be too hard to spot."
Kaidan looked torn, worrying the inside of his cheek. "This will be the first mission we don't know exactly how it's supposed to go since we came back here."
She ran a hand through her hair, full of nervous energy. "I know. I know that. We need to be careful. But it's a mission like any other," she said firmly. "And everyone's walking out of it just fine."
"We need to tell Ash."
"No, we don't," Shepard snapped. "It'll throw her. I need her on her A-game."
"Shepard," Kaidan reprimanded, aghast. He seemed stuck between horror and anger. "We can't just let her land on damn Virmire and not-"
"So she doesn't land, problem solved."
"Jane, we're not keeping this from her."
Shepard groaned and dropped her head back against the wall behind her. "I know. I just need – let this sink in. We need to talk with the others first anyway."
Kaidan was about to open his mouth again, demeanor conflicted as though he wanted to offer comfort but was unwilling to yield an inch, when there was a knock on the door.
"Shepard, do you have a moment?" A soft voice asked from the other side.
Kaidan's lips turned down stubbornly, which was his way of telling her they weren't through with that argument. "Yeah, Liara, come in."
Liara came in with a datapad in hand and a focused, downturned frown. "I've been compiling a lot of your connections' current whereabouts and situations," she began without preamble, heading for the desk. She transferred cloud access keys to Shepard's personal terminal. "You've already touched base with a fair few, but there are many more out there that it would be useful to establish as allies."
Shepard decided against bringing up Virmire while everyone was probably still out at the Citadel, and while Liara had that look on her face. The asari's downtime seemed to have lasted only a little longer than hers. Shepard sat down at her desk with a weary groan. "And you've been doing this in your quest to-"
"Become the Shadow Broker again, yes. Is that an issue?"
"No, just checking," Shepard said immediately, noting the testiness in her voice. "You alright, Liara?"
She flushed, as though having forgotten herself. "Yes, I'm sorry. Just – on edge. There's a lot-" She took a deep breath. "There's a lot."
"You know you can come to me with anything you need, right?"
"Of course, Shepard, but you can't be expected to help everyone with everything. I am capable of doing this on my own, it's just somewhat overwhelming to juggle everything."
"I think that's why Shepard's point still stands."
Liara glanced over at Kaidan tiredly. Even he looked a little worried. "I know, Kaidan. Thank you both. If I truly need it, you're the first person I'll tell," she said, turning back to Shepard. "But as I was saying – you should take a look at these dossiers."
Shepard accessed them. "You tracked down Mordin, Thane-"
"Traynor, Kelly Chambers, Diana Allers-"
"I had a run-in with her today. She hasn't got a clue about anything."
"No, I wouldn't think so. None of the people I've found seem to be acting any different. I think you've discovered everyone who does."
"Huh." Shepard mulled that over for a second, sure there was something she should be noticing about those names. "I think – I don't think anyone who died before I did got these memories," she realized slowly. "Not just them, but-"
Liara was nodding encouragingly. "No, no, I agree. I'd noticed that as well. You said this is data that was being collected by the reapers' intelligence, correct? Wouldn't it make sense that if one of your allies passed, the data would then be discarded? I'm sure they'd have to limit their monitoring to the handful of people they considered most relevant. I mean – what use would Dr. Solus's memories be if he wasn't going to be in the fight, let alone Ashley's?"
Shepard nodded haltingly, a little disconcerted at Liara's phrasing. "I guess so." She shook off the gloomy thoughts. "Maybe no one else was seen as- as important. So, what do you want me to do with this information?"
"Well – primarily, I recommend we keep an eye on these people. If they can be converted to the cause sooner, that would be added benefit. I've spoken to Donnelly and Daniels down in engineering, they'll be joining the crew. I understand Miranda Lawson has already reached out to Jack and Jacob, both very capable assets. Allers, for instance, is very interesting to me. She has the power to become an invaluable megaphone."
"I sort of – gave her an exclusive interview already."
Liara looked beyond pleased. "Fantastic. I'll change her status to recruited."
Shepard exchanged a look with Kaidan. "'Recruited'? We're not at war yet, Liara," he said cautiously.
"And if we do this right, we never will be," she stated firmly, and left with a perfunctory nod to both of them.
"Is there such a thing as too much inspiration? Miranda and Liara are worrying me," Shepard vented, as soon as the latch locked on the door, turning green.
"They'll be alright. War does a lot of things to people," Kaidan told her distractedly, looking at the data. "You know, Liara was very thorough. Also, Tali's heard back from her father."
"Expected nothing less. And good, at least some things are going according to plan." Shepard's fingers were already flying over her omnitool, issuing a bunch of orders to her closest team mates. "Ash and Nihlus are with them, they'll ask questions."
Kaidan wasn't insensitive to her stress levels, keeping up with her train of thought easily. "That's fine," he reassured. "You can answer them after we discuss the mission. I still think they should be thoroughly briefed before, but if you really think it's best-"
"I don't know what's best anymore. That's what you're for."
"You do know what's best," he pushed gently. She knew he'd already convinced her. "I know it's hard. Call her up and tell her right now. Do you want me here?"
Shepard reached for the datapad in his hand subconsciously, unsure. "Maybe that's a good idea." She shook her head. "But I just sounded an alarm and they're all going to want to know what's going on. One thing at a time," she said, repeating his words.
As though on cue, she heard the unmistakable sound of people approaching, and quickly enough, Ashley, Garrus, Tali and Liara poured in, the last bemused as to why she'd been called back in mere minutes after she'd left.
"What's the impending catastrophe, Shepard?" Tali greeted, unceremoniously plopping down on the desk.
"Were you all back in the ship already?" Kaidan asked, surprised.
"Like life on the Normandy lasts five minutes without an 'all hands on deck' order."
"We're preemptive," Garrus elaborated.
Shepard could have said many things to that, but Wrex and Nihlus arrived just then, making her cabin feel quite a bit smaller than usual. She shut the door anyway, because this wasn't a conversation for outside ears.
"What's up?" Wrex asked casually, almost cheerfully. Shepard supposed he'd won the target practice match. Nihlus just waited silently and patiently.
"We're heading to Virmire bright and early tomorrow."
Any good mood in the room disappeared entirely, and Ashley didn't look oblivious to how there seemed to be an invisible spotlight on her all of a sudden.
"Okay," she said, crossing her arms and pretending anyway. "So for this one I get to hear the super-secret pre-mission debrief the lot of you always have, right?"
"For this one, I'd brief you myself," Garrus promised. Tali nodded in spirited agreement.
Ashley glanced around suspiciously. "Why?"
"Historic reasoning," was Wrex's contribution. Shepard snorted at his unexpected insight.
"Alternative history, actually, it turns out," Tali corrected. "Or it better be," she added, voice devolving into much nastier and more menacing pitches.
"Starting to feel like there's something I should be told," Ashley demanded uneasily.
"There's something you all should be told," Shepard intervened, in an attempt to regain control of the conversation. "Captain Kirrahe has checked in from his investigative mission on Virmire and his findings indicate the base on the planet was deactivated and abandoned. He's already left orbit, and is currently headed here, in fact."
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's not what you remember happening, is it?" Nihlus said slowly.
"It's not," Shepard confirmed. "Last time, they were in so much trouble when we got there, they were asking for a whole fleet in backup."
"What changed?" Liara asked, alarmed.
"We don't know," Kaidan said.
"Which is why we're going there to investigate," Ashley inferred. "Makes sense."
"'We' is a strong word. Maybe Williams and Alenko could stay safely on the ship?" Garrus suggested pointedly.
"Wait, what? Absolutely not," Ashley said at the same time Kaidan growled, "Hell no."
Garrus shrugged. "Well, I tried. Did everything I could to prevent it." Shepard grimaced.
"Why would I not be going?" Ashley challenged, offended. "What aren't you telling me?"
"Well, we should really get going and make sure the gear is ready for tomorrow. Garrus, coming?" Tali ordered politely, snatching Wrex by the arm on her way out.
Garrus eagerly followed her through the door, and Liara seemed to decide she was also unwilling to witness the upcoming conversation. The door shut gently behind her.
Nihlus instantly leaned against it, making a stubborn show of his point, and Kaidan sighed heavily, sitting on the bed. Ashley looked increasingly perturbed.
"Well?"
Shepard took a deep breath and allowed painful memories to surface. She alternated from avoiding everyone's eyes and searching out Kaidan's as she spoke.
A few minutes later, Ashley's bravado was gone and she had imitated Kaidan in using the mattress for support. Her face had lost all color. "Oh."
Nihlus looked like he regretted staying behind, and Kaidan's expression was a mix of anxiety and sadness. "Ash-"
"Be quiet, Alenko, I don't regret a thing," Ashley said immediately. Shepard twitched violently. Kaidan was now torn between gazing in worry at either woman. "I- well, I wouldn't have regretted a thing. I'd have done the same." You know it's the right choice, LT. "You know it was-"
"No. Don't," Kaidan snapped. Shepard heard something break in his voice. "Stop. I can't do this." He breezed out of the room, and she couldn't make herself look at him.
"Kryik, why don't you go check on him?" she requested with unexpectedly steady inflexion.
Nihlus looked relieved for the opening and left without a word as well.
"Walk me through it."
"What?" Shepard asked, losing the control she'd managed over her voice.
Ashley looked wary but determined. "You said you had to pick one of us. That's a pretty lacking explanation. Walk me through it."
For a while, Shepard didn't know what to do with herself. She could barely look at her friend. And then, with the usual self-loathing she employed when thinking about these things, she opened her mouth and let every detail spill forward.
"We split up early on. Kirrahe needed you. It was- there wasn't much of a problem right up until the end. We brought out the bomb, and then you called me up to say you were pinned down," she remembered, refusing to look away from the ceiling. "Kaidan said he'd stay behind to set up the nuke while I went to help you, but I was halfway there when he called me up to say hostiles converged on his position. He activated the bomb and told me to get you out of there, because-" Shepard sighed, pressing a hand against her forehead. "Because he's-"
"A stupidly brave man and a shit subordinate," Ashley completed indignantly. "Why wouldn't he wait for your signal?"
Shepard couldn't help it, that drew a genuine laugh out of her. "Like you wouldn't have done the exact same thing."
Ashley ignored that. "So that meant-"
"That meant that a bomb was about to go off, you were each yelling at me to go get the other, and I had time to do one thing and one thing only."
Ashley breathed out slowly. "And so you went back for him. I get it," she comforted with a gentle smile, as Shepard refused to look her in the eye out of shame. "I would have done the same thing. Emotional entanglements or no. He's the superior-"
"No," Shepard said sharply. Ashley's immediate understanding was a blow Shepard didn't know could hurt even worse after all this time. "No, this isn't – Ash, no one's duty should demand a life. I failed that mission, no matter what it said on my track record. Don't question that."
Ashley chanced a look at her, throat tight, and seemed to get hit over the head with something. "Wait, you can't blame yourself for this, right? 'Cause that'd be-"
Shepard scoffed. "Blame myself? Chief, not a day goes by I don't hear your last words ringing in my head before I can fall asleep." You know it's the right choice, LT. "That's gonna stay with me forever. But this – this feels like a good apology. Or a start to one."
"Skipper-" Ashley sounded speechless.
Shepard shook her head, unable to think of anything she could say, and Ashley closed her mouth. The gunnery chief stood and strode forward.
Standing right in front of her commander so she had no choice but to make eye contact, Ashley placed one hand on her shoulder, a warm look in her eyes. "We're good, Shepard."
Shepard sighed and nodded once, standing too and pulling her in for a hug. "Course."
They broke apart and the door opened. Kaidan came in, looking stormier and calmer at the same time. Antsy, Ashley's gaze jumped between the two of them. Shepard calculated he was going to last approximately five minutes maintaining the shaky control he was forcing onto his demeanor.
"We should take a small team into the facility, and leave the others behind for quick extraction if necessary. They should be ready if we request backup," he said, strictly business.
Shepard identified an immediate issue in his words. "We?"
"Oh, I'm going," Kaidan said instantly. "Don't even try it."
"So am I," Ashley jumped in.
Now the look on Kaidan's face resembled the one on Shepard's. A lot less than five minutes, then. "Ash-"
Shepard interrupted him because there was no point. "Fantastic. The two exact people I'd most vehemently like to keep off that planet. Particularly amazing that they've also turned out to be the two most stubborn marines I know."
They both turned to her, scandalized. "Me?!" they protested simultaneously, successfully distracted.
"Fine. Just fine. Well, Alenko, if you've got all this figured out, let's head out and get everyone caught up."
Kaidan worried his bottom lip and headed down to the cargo hold anyway. Ashley did too, but she looked as though she was questioning every decision she'd ever made, as well as thinking back to anything she might have taken that could cause hallucinations.
Shepard took a deep breath and followed.
"Fucking Virmire. Fine."
