Thank you all for your continued support and enthusiasm for this story.
Later that afternoon, Alexis returned to the hospital from her first appointment in three years with Dr. MacRae. After hearing her story, and helping Alexis through the accompanying panic attack that came with her telling of finding her father and stepmother shot in the family kitchen, bleeding all over the floor, Dr. MacRae was nothing but encouraging, assuring Alexis that they would work together to find a way for her to process this traumatic event and overcome her fears and the panic attacks they caused. Alexis left Dr. MacRae's office with a standing appointment for Wednesday afternoons and a feeling of relief that she would, indeed, be able to get past this in time.
Alexis stopped by the loft to pick up her laptop before returning to the ICU. She paused in the doorway at the sight that met her eyes: her dad and Kate, once again smushed together in Kate's hospital bed, only this time they were kissing. She hadn't encountered anyone else from their family, so she figured Dr. Parish, Javier, and Detective Ryan were still working on their case; Gram had called her to say that her father and Kate had insisted that she teach her class that day, saying the normalcy of the routine would be good for her ("...although I think they're just looking for an excuse to be alone...or at least as alone as they can get in that hospital room," Gram had concluded with more than a hint of laughter in her voice, and Alexis had agreed with Gram's assessment, the proof of which was now right before her eyes). She hadn't seen Kate's dad or Deputy Chief Gates since the day before, but she was certain that at least Mr. Beckett would be back soon.
Alexis just stood there, watching her dad and Kate kissing, and couldn't help but smile. They had survived the trauma. They had survived other traumas before this one—the time Castle and Martha had been held hostage during a bank robbery, Alexis's kidnapping, Kate's first shooting, Castle going missing for two months on what was originally supposed to have been his and Kate's wedding day—and Alexis knew in that moment that they would get through this trauma the same way they had gotten through all the others: together, as a family.
She cleared her throat and rapped her knuckles against the half-open door of Rick and Kate's room. "Sorry to interrupt," she began, going for levity.
Rick and Kate pulled apart so fast, it was all Alexis could do not to laugh out loud. "Alexis!" Kate exclaimed, reflexively pulling the sheet and blanket up higher over herself and Rick, even though their stitches, and Kate's taped broken ribs, kept them from letting their hands wander beneath each other's hospital gowns.
"Hi, Pumpkin," Rick greeted his daughter, his hair a complete mess from Kate running her fingers through it for the past several minutes. "How are you doing?"
"I'm okay," Alexis replied honestly, entering the room and sitting down in the chair beside Kate's bed, resting her messenger bag containing her laptop and billfold beside the chair. "Or, I will be. I saw Dr. MacRae this afternoon, and it went well. She's going to help me process what's happened and overcome the fears that are causing the panic attacks."
Kate looked at Alexis guiltily then. "Alexis, I am so sorry you had to see that. I tried so hard to keep it away from you and your grandmother...and even your dad...precisely because I didn't want any of you to have to deal with something like this."
"Kate, this isn't your fault!" Alexis exclaimed. "They came after you. And of course they came after Dad too, because where else is he ever going to be but by your side?" She scooted to the edge of her chair and extended her arm as far as it would go until she could reach Kate's hand. "We're a family," Alexis continued fiercely, threading her fingers through Kate's. "If something happens to one of us, it affects all of us. But we're also strong. We've survived other traumas before, and we'll get through this one too, the same way we did all the others: as a family."
Castle looked from Alexis to Kate, marveling at how amazing they both were, each in her own way. Like Alexis, Rick didn't blame Kate for them getting shot. But it was clear to him now (especially with the morphine starting to work its way out of his system) that Kate had been blaming herself, and he couldn't let that go on. "Alexis is right, Kate," Rick said then, placing his hand on top of Alexis and Kate's joined hands. "What happened was not your fault in any way. And we're all going to be okay. It's just going to take some time, and some help, and leaning on each other."
Kate was starting to look convinced now; Rick could see it in her eyes. She wasn't all the way there yet, but he would tell her, and Alexis would tell her, as many times as were necessary that what had happened was not her fault, until she truly believed it the way they did.
Kate, needing a change of subject, fixed her gaze on Alexis's messenger bag on the floor beside her chair. "Did you bring your laptop?" she asked.
"Yes!" Alexis exclaimed eagerly, retrieving the laptop from the messenger bag and firing it up. "We have a kitchen to redecorate."
"No time like the present," Rick said cheerfully. "Show us what you found."
Alexis pulled up one of the websites she had bookmarked, then set the laptop on her father's lap. Rick and Kate pored over the screen, looking at the various options for flooring on the page before advancing another few pages, with both of them, as well as Alexis, sharing their ideas and putting in their respective two cents, which quickly devolved into the trio laughing and joking around.
From the moment Alexis had entered the ICU room, neither she, nor Rick or Kate, had paid any attention to anyone but each other…
...which is why they didn't notice Meredith, who had seen and heard everything beginning with Alexis apologizing tongue-in-cheek for interrupting Rick and Kate's make-out session, peeking around the corner of the door with a resigned expression on her face.
Meredith was selfish and self-involved. She had heard it often enough, from enough people, and had just enough self-awareness, to know that it was true.
But Meredith was not stupid. Standing there, peeking around that door, staring intently at Alexis, Rick, and Kate as they unanimously agreed on a type of flooring before moving on to look at appliances online, Meredith had the feeling that she had lost something, but if anyone had asked her exactly what it was she had lost, she wouldn't have been able to put it into words.
"So, are you finally realizing what you gave up all those years ago? What you will never have for yourself?" Martha Rodgers' cool, tight voice broke through Meredith's concentration on the scene before her. She stepped out of the line of sight of the door before turning to face Martha, who had retreated several discreet steps down the corridor, out of both sight and earshot of Alexis, Rick, and Kate.
Meredith followed Martha, then stood facing her ex-mother-in-law. "I didn't come here to cause trouble," she said defensively.
"Really," Martha said in a tone of voice that made it clear she didn't believe that for a second. "For as long as I have known you, Meredith, you have excelled at causing trouble. So you'll forgive me for not believing you now."
Meredith didn't say a word, just regarded Martha warily.
"Perhaps neither of us has been as successful an actress as we would have liked," Martha began, "but I never abandoned my family. The story is the same from time immemorial: charming, roguish, good-looking man, it's not serious, but you're not looking for serious. Serious is everything you want to avoid. The sex is hot, and it's good, maybe even great. Whether it's one night or several months or three years, the amount of time doesn't matter, because you live for fun, and you live in the moment.
"When you're young, you always think that getting pregnant is what happens to other women, but it'll never happen to you. You're too careful for that, too busy for a child, too selfish to be a mother. But it only takes once, and when you wake up every morning for several mornings in a row, vomiting repeatedly, and you realize your clothes aren't fitting right, they're getting tighter for some reason, especially around your waist and in your chest, and that your breasts are suddenly more tender than they've ever been, you start to wonder, and to panic. You have been known to starve yourself occasionally, sometimes out of necessity, because the competition for a part that you would do almost anything to get is so fierce, but you've never been one to get on the binging and purging merry-go-round, or to purposely deprive yourself of food, ever-conscious of your weight and your figure though you may be. You're not making yourself throw up, or gain weight, but something...or rather, someone...is.
"But you connect the dots eventually, the doctor confirms it for you, and you are faced with a reality for which you never prepared: the reality that you are going to be a mother, that in a matter of months, you will be responsible for a tiny, innocent baby. This little life will be totally dependent on you for everything.
"I'll never win any Mother of the Year awards, I know that. But Richard is the best thing that ever happened to me, and from the moment he was placed in my arms in the delivery room, he became the center of my universe, the great love of my life, my greatest achievement. He never went to bed hungry, he always had a roof over his head and clothes to wear, he received medical care when he needed it, he got a good education, and he forgave my shortcomings, for reasons I still don't fully understand, and accepted me as I am, unconventional, unorthodox, and occasionally wild. More than that, he accepted the lack of a father in his life, and he never pushed me too hard for answers. I think he sensed that it was a sensitive subject for me. I knew going into it that while I could have been serious about him eventually, he would never be serious about me. Not the way I would have wanted and needed him to be, and certainly not the way that Richard needed and deserved.
"And despite my many flaws as both a mother and a human being, if I do say so myself, I raised an amazing, terrific son. And when he found out that he was going to be a father, what he wanted most was to give his child the one thing he didn't have in his own childhood: roots, a stable home with two loving parents."
"Martha-" Meredith began.
"I'm not finished," Martha interrupted her firmly. "I will always be grateful that you gave birth to Alexis. But looking back, Meredith, your part in her life really ended once you had pushed her out of your body. I know that the turnaround that must accompany becoming a mother, putting your child and their needs and wants ahead of your own, that doesn't happen for every woman, but for so many years, it made me angry to watch how cavalierly you approached motherhood and marriage. Richard and Alexis are everything to me, you see. Or rather, you don't see. And that is your loss. But it is your loss alone.
"Because those roots, and that stable home with two loving parents that Richard wanted to give Alexis? She has it. She has always had the roots, and the stable home with a loving father that would do, and has done, anything in the world for her. But since Katherine came along, she has had a second loving parental figure. Because long before Richard and Katherine finally admitted what the rest of us saw almost from the start, Katherine was a part of all of our lives. That's when I knew that she would be the last one, the only one, for Richard for the rest of his life. He never let any woman he dated even meet Alexis, let alone get close to her. But Katherine...I don't think it had been much longer than a month after they met that Katherine showed up at our front door one night for something about work, and while her arrival was unexpected, Richard immediately introduced her to us, and she became a part of all of our lives from that moment on. And she kept coming back to our home, and it wasn't always about police work. Years before they made it official by getting married, Katherine Beckett was already an important part of our family...and she quickly became someone Alexis trusted, someone that she could talk to about things that, for whatever reason, she couldn't or didn't want to discuss with Richard or me first. And she certainly helped keep Richard sane during those times of teenage girl angst that Alexis went through.
"Katherine has always admired and respected the relationship and the bond that Richard and Alexis have, encouraging it as much as she can. But her own contributions to Alexis's life are deep and far-reaching. Alexis didn't say anything about you, or about Katherine, yesterday that wasn't true, Meredith."
"I know. I know that," Meredith said. "It's not a competition. Not anymore. I guess it never was. I knew from the second the stick turned pink that I wasn't cut out for motherhood. I did try to make it work, but I just didn't have it in me. I'm too selfish to want anyone else to be the center of attention." At Martha's shocked look, she said, "I've heard that from so many people over the years, I figure there has to be some truth to it. And I'm not as much of an airhead as you and Rick have always thought. When Alexis had mono, I knew she didn't really want me there any more than you or Rick, or for that matter, Kate did. That's why I didn't put up a fuss about leaving. Alexis didn't need me. She already had everyone she needed: you, Rick...and Kate."
Meredith shifted her weight uneasily from foot to foot. In a moment of rare candor, she looked Martha right in the eye and said, "I feel like I've lost something here today, but then, it wasn't really mine to lose, was it? I gave it up decades ago."
"Motherhood is not something you can do only when you feel like it," Martha replied. "It's not just shopping sprees and being there for the fun times or the good times. It's everything. It's the dirty diapers and the colic and the 102-degree fever and chicken pox or stomach flu at 2 in the morning. It's the battles over homework and going to bed and taking out the trash, and going down to school to find out that your child has been suspended, or expelled, or that he's won the Young Authors competition.
"Being a good parent is finding within yourself a bravery you didn't know you had, the first time you watch your child go into their classroom alone, or go out with their friends unchaperoned, or ride the subway alone for the first time, or get behind the wheel of the car to drive it with you sitting in the passenger seat chanting a mantra of 'I will not yell or overreact' over and over again in your head, and then waiting for them to come home the first time they take the car out by themselves, waiting for them to come home from the prom, waiting for them to come home from college. It's getting them through their first broken heart, their first hangover, the first time they are rejected for something they really want. It's encouraging them to be the best human being they can be, but not living their life for them. It's being strong enough to let them make their own mistakes when that's the only way they'll learn, and being there to pick up the pieces afterwards.
"It is all of the triumphs, little or big, and all of the things that, at the time, your child considers tragedies, which are hopefully small and not really tragedies, all wrapped up together over the course of a lifetime. It is loving another human being with a depth and a strength and an intensity you had no idea you were capable of. It is a balancing act of holding on and letting go. It's being willing to die for your child if that's what it comes down to, even when your child is over 40 with a child of his own. And you never felt even one-tenth of those things, Meredith."
"You're right, I didn't," Meredith surprised Martha by admitting. "But I presume that Kate does. And Alexis should have that. She deserves that."
"Ewww, Dad, really?" Alexis exclaimed incredulously then.
"I have to put my foot down, Castle. We are not redoing the kitchen as an exact replica of the one on MasterChef!" Kate chided, but Martha and Alexis could both hear the amusement in her voice.
"Oh, all right," Castle grumbled in a put-upon voice. "But I really want the dishwasher with the interior lights, and the window that you can watch the washing process through!" he continued excitedly.
"Because you spend so much time watching the dishwasher," Alexis said sarcastically, but it was tempered with fondness.
"I know you're a big gadget guy, Rick, but if you don't have anything more exciting to do at home than watch the dishwasher literally wash the dishes-" Kate began.
"I didn't say that! I would never say that!" Rick exclaimed. "Especially when you-"
"Hey, no scarring your daughter for life with your innuendo!" Alexis interrupted, but her burst of laughter at the end of her proclamation, joined by Kate's own laughter and even Castle laughing, ruined any serious effect.
Meredith and Martha exchanged a look then. Meredith looked back down the hall towards the open door of Kate and Rick's hospital room. "They don't need to know I was here," Meredith said. "This isn't my place. It never was, as you pointed out. I guess I just needed to see it for myself to be absolutely certain that it was true." Then Meredith turned and walked down the hall, away from Martha, without looking back or saying another word.
Martha stood rooted to her spot, watching Meredith leave. She wasn't sure if or when any of them would see or hear from Meredith again, but Meredith wasn't what mattered now. What mattered now was their family, and Meredith was not now, nor would she ever be, a part of their family.
Martha entered Richard and Katherine's room then. "Hello, Mother," Richard greeted her.
"Hi, Martha," Kate said.
"Hi, Gram," Alexis said, getting up to give her grandmother a hug, which Martha returned.
"How goes the kitchen remodel?" Martha asked.
"I think we're done," Rick replied. "Kate?"
"It looks great to me," she said.
"Does that mean I can call and start setting everything up?" Alexis asked eagerly.
"Absolutely," Rick replied.
"Great!" Alexis exclaimed. "Excuse me, everyone. I'm going to start making calls right now." She took her laptop with her so that she would have all of the necessary information readily at hand and pulled her phone out of her pocket as she left the room to go down to the waiting area and set the remodeling of the kitchen into motion.
After Alexis left the room, and Martha had settled herself in the chair Alexis had vacated, Kate asked Martha, "So, is Meredith gone?" At Martha's surprised look, Kate continued, "She may have been trying to be subtle-"
"That's an impossibility for Meredith," Rick muttered.
"-but I saw her lurking outside our door," Kate concluded. "Was she here to try and play the concerned mother and ex-wife?"
"No," Martha said. "It just took her this long to realize what she threw away. I can't even say for certain that she regrets it."
"Again, that's an impossibility for Meredith," Rick said.
"I made it clear to her that Alexis didn't say anything about her, or about you, Katherine, that wasn't completely true, and then I spelled out in no uncertain terms for her exactly what being a good parent is. What shocked me was her admission that she never possessed any of those qualities. She said that she tried-"
"I find that hard to believe," Kate said.
"She tried in her own way," Rick said. "But it was too hard for her, not enough fun, not enough about her. If it's not about her, Meredith's interest in the subject lasts as long as the life span of the average fruit fly."
"But Alexis is her daughter!" Kate exclaimed.
"Only biologically," Rick replied. "You're the one who's been here for the past eight years, Kate. Don't underestimate yourself, or your impact on Alexis's life, because even if she has inherited our bad habit of not saying specifically what needs to be said when it most needs to be said, although I hope she's better about that than we used to be, don't you doubt for one second that Alexis loves you, and that she looks at you as a mother figure, because she does. All those years ago, when I asked you to take care of Alexis if anything happened to me, I didn't only do it because I trusted you to do right by her. I did it because I love both of you so much, and I knew that you loved each other too, and I wanted you to have each other to lean on if anything ever happened to me." He looked down at the blanket for several seconds before looking up and into Kate's eyes once more. "In some way, I guess I was trying to correct the universe's misstep by making you Alexis's mother. Even then, I wanted you to be the mother of my child, even though that child was already a teenager at the time."
Martha didn't miss the subtext of Richard's comments but knew better than to ask if Richard and Katherine were planning to make her a grandmother again, although now that the seed had been planted in her brain, she would definitely be awaiting an announcement.
Kate looked awestruck. "I can't imagine raising a child by myself. Don't underestimate yourself, Rick. You're an amazing father. Alexis is living proof of that."
Rick leaned in then and whispered in Kate's ear, so Martha couldn't hear him. "Our kids are going to be amazing, Kate. And you'll never have to do any of it alone with them, I promise you." When he pulled back, Kate smiled at him, brushing the back of her hand across his cheek.
Then Rick looked at Martha. "Well, at least Meredith left quietly," he said.
"Did you know she was here, Richard?" Martha asked her son.
"I caught a glimpse of her when I followed Kate's gaze to the door," Rick replied. "But I don't think Alexis needs to know that Meredith was here. She's upset enough right now, and Gina already added to that today. Alexis doesn't need Meredith adding to it too, even in absentia."
"I agree," Martha said. "Besides, Meredith truly ceased to be her mother ages ago. The only mother Alexis has ever truly known is right here in this room." She looked at Kate, and now Rick followed Martha's gaze to Kate.
Before Kate could find the words to reply to that, Alexis returned, flushed with excitement. "The flooring guys are coming tomorrow, and the new appliances will be delivered on Friday!" she crowed with delight.
Rick, Kate, and Martha all immediately mustered smiles for Alexis. "Is everything okay?" Alexis asked, puzzled by the knot of tension that even now was draining from the room like water draining from a bathtub.
Her dad answered for all of them when he looked from Kate beside him in the small hospital bed, to Gram seated in the chair at the bedside, to Alexis herself standing at the foot of the bed, cradling her laptop in one arm.
"Everything is great," Rick assured his daughter heartily. Kate and Martha's answering smiles grew wider, less strained.
So Alexis smiled back. "And it's only going to get better," she said fervently.
"Yes, it is," Kate agreed, reaching her hand toward Alexis, who walked around to Kate's side of the bed and took hold of Kate's hand and squeezed it, both of their smiles widening as the also-smiling Rick and Martha looked on.
