Hello my lovely readers!

And the flashback begins! So... what was your thoughts on the previous chapter? Did you think you knew what it was Raph was supposed to remember? Really? You did? Than why haven't you told me?! T.T Or maybe you want to read the chapter and maybe find the answer here? Oh! Then why didn't you just say so? Please, Read! Don't let me hold you ^^

Previous Readers, Well... the previous chapter six didn't at all contain the same... But do not worry! I have not thrown it away. I will place it in one of the chapters to come. I thought that the flashback should be split it two chapters rather than one large one. After all, the new flashback is more than 3000 words longer! AND! I made it in Raph's point of view! ^^

I won't hold ya any longer!

Thanks for reading!


A Great Lost

Chapter 6: Giving Up


"You need to remember..."

"Leo...?"

"...need to..."

"Leo!"

"..remember...!"

The darkness was fading away until I found myself seeing a familiar pair of katanas. Soon I saw them sitting across a turtle's shell as he suddenly jumped. I looked down and was shocked to see a sudden large leap between two buildings and I was only a step away. Feeling the need to recoil so that I wouldn't fall down, my body didn't follow the instinct my brain was commanding and followed the turtle in front of me and jumped over.

I was sure I would fall down and I desperately wanted to scream or to just shut my eyes in wait for the in pact which would either kill me or make me permanently paralyzed, though none of those things happened. Instead, my sight was straight and I realized that I had no control of my body what so ever.

"You need to remember..." Leo's voice echoed once again.

"Then tell me what the hell I need to remember!" I shouted, but it sounded more like a thought than when spoken. It really creeped me out.

I didn't get an answer, not that I really expected one. So instead I put my focus on what was shown to me. It almost felt like I was watching a movie which I was in, like one of those virtual reality games or in this case a movie, though I couldn't interfere what so ever.

As it proceed, I felt a familiarity to the surroundings and I could pin point the exact time and a place.

"What the fuck?!" I screamed, though it never crossed my mouth. "No way! No! I'm ain't going to see this again! Leo! Take me the hell outta this!"

Though there never was an answer nor was a pulled out of what the hell it was I was experience. It just kept rolling and I was moving across the roof top which would eventually lead to what I had been hiding from for the last three years. Now I wished that I had just dealt with it right after it had happened...

We had been out patrolling the city, which we had done for the past week. All criminal activities had suddenly decreased to almost nothing, just the minor robbing stuff which we let the police deal with if we didn't happen to run across it. Instead we were looking for the more gang related stuff, like Foot Clan related or maybe Purple Dragons, which both had something to do with the Shredder.

One would think we woulda been revealed or thankful for the lack of criminal activities, but instead we had been more worried. We knew Saki enough to know he wouldn't just stop trying to take over the city. No, he was up to something and we were going to find out what it was. And it wasn't just because of the saying; calm before the storm.

Just a couple of weeks before, we had managed to bust into a business deal between the Shredder and a famous, according to Don at least, scientist Jackson McLain. Though instead of breaking into the usual fight, the Can-head had ordered a full retreat and put the whole building on fire, destroying everything that could make us figure out what the hell they were up to. Though Leo had made us not follow them as we had to see if there was any people in the building to save, which I had thought was ridiculous as it was an abandoned building. Though he had been right as there was at least five homeless people sleeping just a few floors up.

With such an extreme measure to get rid of any evidence, we knew Shred-head was up to something big and we had searched for anything related to both The Foot and that McLain guy. Though it seemed that both had disappeared and no one knew anything about it.

Of course it had gotten on my nerves. There was plenty of questions in the air, but ain't no answers to any of them. We had no idea where Saki was and what his plan was. It probably had something to do with taking over the world or maybe even destroy it. It wasn't like it was the first time he had tried after all. That man or rather alien had been that fucked up, it certainly was a possibility.

What bothered me 'til this day, I never knew about the plan. We had actually managed to stop it before it had begun, or so I thought. The Foot Elite which I had ran into just a couple of hours ago proved that it wasn't really as over as I had hoped.

Though back when this night had occurred, I was tired of dealing with the same problem over and over again with no closer to the end. I wanted the freaking Thin-head dead once and for all, even if I had to die to make that happen. I doubted that Shredder would leave the city when he practically owned half of it.

The rote we were running was all too familiar. It was one of our usual runs and I realized that much hadn't changed during the last three years. A few shops had changed and maybe a building or two had a new paint job, nothing much.

Following Leo was quickly turning old just as I had thought back then. Though when I noticed that Leo was leading us home, I was actually relieved, which was nothing like I had been when I the first time. And knowing myself, there wouldn't be long before I would protest.

And as on cue; "Hell, this is gettin' on my nerves." Someone spoke through clenched teeth.

At the sound of the harsh voice, I wanted to flinch. Who the hell did that voice belong to? Though knowing each and every one of my brothers voices, I was shocked to discover that it was my own. Did I really sound like that? No wonder everyone thought I was angry all the time.

When we were just a few buildings away from the alley which was closest to home, my body turned and headed to the left as Leo continued forward.

"Raph, where hell are you going?" I heard Leo shout from behind me.

Reaching the next rooftop, I turned around and saw my brothers walking over to the edge of the building, leaving a drop of five stories between us. With this new perspective, I could clearly see Don and Mikey's confused expression, though it looked like they were expecting a fight. Leo on the other hand had a stern expression on his face.

"I ain't stoppin' now, no way! Not 'til I find Shredder." I yelled with a force in my voice.

"The sun will be up soon. Besides, we don't even know where he is," Leo spoke as he walked closer to the edge of the building.

Knowing what I knew now I so badly wished that I woulda listen to him. At least then he woulda been alive.

Though this time-me did not know what was about to happen and continued to push forward. "So we're just gonna sit at home 'n wait 'til something happens? Then it'll be too late!"

The tension between me and Leo had always been bad, but after the Shredder had gotten away the last time, it had gone from bad to severe. I had not accepted Leos' decision of letting 'im go and I had tried to go after 'im even though we knew there were people in the building. Though Leo had managed to reason with me and I had reluctantly helped get the people out before it had collapsed. The price for helping them had almost cost me my life and if it hadn't been for my older brother than I woulda been trapped in the house when it collapsed.

Though instead of being grateful to Leo for saving my life, I had started yet another fight and accused Leo for being the worst leader that ever existed. Though they all knew it was probably the shock that had made me act out, mixed with my rage, we all knew that Leo had taken what I had said to heart. Even though I knew I had hurt my brother's feeling, I hadn't apologized. It was yet another thing to add to the mile long list of me being a terrible brother... Of course both Don and Mikey had spoken with us about it, but both me and Leo had shrugged it off as nothing and continued with the bad air between us.

Though looking at my two younger brothers now, they seemed afraid it would be now that we would settle it. Unfortunately their fear would come true and all I could do was watch as my body stepped up on the ledge in a threatening motion, letting Leo know that a fight was on if he continued to argue against me. Leo was quick to respond and I could see how he took a discrete defense stance, like he knew I was about to charge at him. Though it didn't stop him in trying to reason with me.

"We don't have another option, do we?" Leo asked, beginning to sound a bit frustrated 'imself. "It isn't like you know where he's hiding?"

"No. That's why we need to be out lookin'!" I pointed to the city.

Leo threw his hands up in the air. "Looking where, Raph?"

"I don't know! Hell, that's why I'm gonna keep on lookin'. I'm not goin' 'til I find the damned Can-head!"

"We've searched the whole city by now and we haven't found any trace of the Foot. For all we know Shredder could've left the city by now!" Leo roared back, shocking Don, Mikey and even me as the viewer. It was very rare to see Leo go to such extremes, if not almost none existence.

Though I wasn't sure if I had been shocked back here, though as I could tell now, I had never shown it if I had been as I kept challenge him. "Really? If ya believe that Leo, than ya're more off yar rocker than I first thought!"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Leo demanded, clearly not happy about the insult.

"It means ya haven't been yarself since our capture. Every time we're topside ya try to get us home earlier and earlier, don't ya think we haven't noticed? As soon as we get even a trace of the Foot then ya suddenly find some more important to do than to follow them!"

"You mean we should have let those homeless people die in the fire just so we could go after the Foot? If you could live with that, than you do what you need to do Raph. But I couldn't live with knowing I was responsible for letting people die when I could've saved them."

We grew silent as we stared each other down, both determined to get our own way. It was a resource we fell into whenever none of us was listening or didn't give in. I didn't know the track record of who was the one which gave in to the other most often, and it was irrelevant now. Though usually when it was about team stuff, I gave in quite often as he was the define leader who actually could reason with me at most times, but when I thought I was right about something, I would fight him till he laid unconscious. I was going to keep on searching for the Foot and end this once and for all. I had had enough.

About to turn around and run off, I said more stubborn than ever," Well, I'm goin'."

"Hey! No! Turn around ya knuckle-head!" I tried to order myself to no avail. "Listen to him or he'll die! Knowing it was pointless to try, I still had to do it if it was a slight possibility that I could change it.

But when I didn't stop and I heard someone jump on the roof behind me and then running footsteps I knew I was a step closer to the fight I dreaded to watch.

Leo managed to grab my arm right before I took another leap to the next building and threw me back so that I fell down on my butt.

"We're going home. NOW!" Leo demanded with a force I had never seen before, and somehow had missed back then. His eyes was almost burning with anger. Though I had known I was about to cross a line which none of us had ever crossed before. When he was this angry, not even Master Splinter could match up to 'im. And that was saying a lot.

Though instead I had ignored the warning signs and instead felt like he had crossed a dangerous line 'imself. I had pushed myself up on all four and made a low spin kick to his legs which sent 'im falling on his shell. I rose up and looked down at him with a sai drawn and pointing at him as I roared, "If ya touch me again Leo, I will plunged this as far up yar ass as I can get it! Ya may be the leader of this group, but ya can't order me around as one of yah soldiers!" Leo stood up and I plunged my clenched sai-free hand into his stomach as hard as I could which made him buckle over. "I'm doin' what I want. I AIN'T GOIN' BACK!"

"Raph!"

"Dude, what the hell!"

My younger brothers yelled from behind, though I couldn't see them I knew they wanted to stop it before it got too out of hand. Though Leo pulled up his hand in a stopping motion.

"Are you out of your mind? You're attacking your own brother now?" Leo said as he straightened up, though still holding a hand to his stomach. "And you think I'm off my 'rocker'?"

Fueled with anger, I charged at 'im, but Leo managed do dodge it and delivered a right hook to my jaw.

"It's ain't just me who thinks it!" I said and drew my other sai and took my stance against him.

Leo turned his gaze behind me, and by the look on his betrayed face, he had seen the guilty looks on our two younger brothers on the roof behind me. He looked down on the roof as he took a deep breath. The he lifted a hand up and grabbed the handle of one of his katanas.

"If this is what you really want Raph-" he spoke without even looking up. "-then you will just have to take me down." He unsheathed the sword and placed it between us.

"Guys, come on. Let's just go home already," Don tried to reason.

"Yeah. There's no need for this," Mikey pleaded.

"Guys-" Leo said, never taking his eyes off of me. "If this is what he really wants, then he will get it."

"But Leo," they both pleaded even though knowing it was useless.

He was not intending to hurt me with it, but he didn't want me to feel like he wasn't taking my confrontation seriously. He knew I wanted and needed the fight, though it was also to remind me of my place and that he was the team leader. Even though I couldn't do as most pack animals to fight my way to the top, it had never stopped me from trying. It wasn't 'til I had become the leader that I knew I had never really wanted the job.

We both took our familiar fighting poses, only giving each other a second to read our opponent and then come up with a strategy to win. We both knew each other's moves, strategy, strengths and weaknesses like it was our own. I was stronger, but Leo faster. I had more stamina but he was better at executing. I had never really won a fight against my brother. If he didn't win there was always another reason for the fight to be interrupted, which would be end in a draw as far as I was concerned.

Though I knew the outcome of the fight, I still got the familiar feeling of wanting to beat him, then the guilt bubbled up, reminding me of what the consequences from this fight.

Then we charged, our weapons colliding in full force.

As a spectator, I could only watch as my body kept going after Leo in a try to take him down. He was blocking more often than charging. The period of time which we fought had not at all felt as long the first time as it did now. Knowing the anger I felt back then, time didn't matter, only winning. But as I didn't feel the emotions anymore which I had felt back then, time seemed to go slower. Though I couldn't turn away or close my eyes, at least I could focus on something else like the bad painting job on the roof or occasionally Don and Mikey whenever they came into view, or even the sky! Anything was better than repeating the one fight I so badly regretted and would regret for the rest of my life.

There was a flash of light which would be more visible in the sky if it wasn't for the dark clouds over our heads. Soon there was a loud roar following and cold rain began to pour down. At some flashes I got of my two younger brothers, they quivered from the cold. They had made more than one desperate try in stopping us in our nearly fatal fight with more harm than good. Stepping between us and nearly cost either their or our lives as both me and Leo had been so focused in not getting hurt ourselves. Instead they had backed away and was ready to assist if or when one of us got too badly hurt.

Our battle was almost at the end.

Our weapons collided with a loud clang, but it took a second before any one of us made an attempt to push the other one away. Leo had kept his one katana and was pushing it against my two sais, just after he had caught his breath. He was growing tired while I still had more energy to spare. Though I had gotten some sort of control of my anger and was now determined to win.

As I had not seen before when it had happened, I could see it clearly now. Though my brother wasn't as strong as me, he still was a great challenge, or at least would be. I had fought him more often than one could keep track on and I believed I knew his fighting style the best. Yet he was losing when there should be more fight in 'im. Something had been wrong with 'im!

In a battle of power, we tried to push at each other. Leo looked into my eyes and saw that I had gotten some sort of composure of myself, although it was still far from what was needed to reason with me. I knew he was getting frustrated but that had not stopped me. The scratches, punches and slices I had managed to deliver on him was clearly bothering 'im as the muscles in his arms was twisting in process of his moves. Forcing up all the energy he could managed to put some distant between us, he pushed me back with a force which brought me on my knees.

I turned up to him, about to attack him once again when suddenly Leo pulled up his sword and pointed it to me, locking our eyes into a stare and then just let it go. It dropped to the roof and there was a loud clang as it hit and then bounced heavily and then came to a stop.

"I give up!" He stated simply, but tired and there was also a sting in his voice.

"Waddya just say?" I asked, my voice still rough and menace, though mixed with confusion and shock. I got up on my feet, still expecting to continuing the fight as I had thought that this was just a new strategy on my brother's part.

Looking down on his dropped katana, he said, "I said; I give up." He looked up at me again, though with a new determination. " I'm done fighting you. If you want to go look for Saki, then go ahead. You have my blessings." Leo wasn't angry, he just seemed tired.

"Ya got to be kiddin' me." I spoke as I had yet to understand it was not a joke. I had a hard time believing that he would just give up just like that. "Ya can't expect me to believe that?"

He bent down to take his sword and put it back in its sheath on his shell as he said, "Believe what you want." Then he turned and walked over to the edge of the building.

"Leo-?" Don began, but didn't really know what to ask.

Over his shoulder, Leo said; "Do whatever you want. I don't care anymore." Then he leaped over to the other building and kept on running, never looking back.

Stunned or shocked or even surprised, I had no idea what the right word for what we felt at that moment, we just stood there watching 'im jump from one building to another 'til he was out of our sights.

"Go after him ya fucking jackass!" I screamed at myself, panic and fear exploding in my mind.

Donny and Mikey walked over to me, their gaze still on where our brother had run off to. Then they turned their gazes on me, their faces mixed with what was last mention and anger. Even though they had seen what had happened, they still couldn't figure out what could have made 'im leave like that. They were just as clueless as I was and they also knew it wasn't a behavior our older brother possessed. Though angry with me, there was a silent and mutual agreement that something was off.

Feeling their stares on me, I had rather angry snorted, "What?!"

"Why did you have to do that? You almost killed each other!" Donny said furiously.

"Oh, come on Donny, get real would ya. I would never have killed 'im! Knock 'im out, yes. But not fuckin' kill 'im!"

"Yeah, so that changes everything? You would just slash him up a bit? Knocked out and bleeding and then we would just leave him here so we could go look for Shredder? Was that your though?"

"...No I..."

"Yeah, you weren't thinking of that, where you? Never thinking of the consequences of your own actions and who will get hurt in the process. No wonder he has had enough! "

Anger rose within me as I felt like yet another brother turned against me. I stormed over to him as I began to shout at his face, "Hey! Don't ya dare-" but didn't get to finish as Mikey interrupted me.

"Guys, I've never seen Leo act like that before." His voice was sincere and worried as he gazed at the direction our brother had disappeared to. "You must have made 'im really mad, dude."

Pushing 'imself away from me, Don turned to Mikey. "Come on, Mikey. Let's go after 'im." He leaped over to the other roof and Mikey followed without any hesitations. None of them even turned back to see if I was going to follow or not.

I had been angry, even furious at my big brother, but wanting to kill 'im? No that was not the case at all. I would never do that. I remember thinking, Was that what Leo thought? Did he think I tried to kill 'im? Worry had began to flood through me and I begun to feel nervous.

It was true what Mikey had said, I had never seen Leo act that way before. To give up a fight like that was so unlike 'im and I didn't and hadn't known why. It raised had concern and alarm, which did the same now as I once again had witnessed it. My brother had been hiding something!

Feeling worried and... scared for my brother, I had leaped into a quick sprint in a try to get to Leo faster. "Damned that Leo." I said through grinned teeth.

Though I knew I wasn't going to get there in time to change anything. It was the torture of knowing what was about to come.


WHAT?! Leo gave up? Really? There has to be a perfectly good reason for it cause he wouldn't just do that! Right?! Right?! Yeah... so... Soooo...! Did you find the answer you were looking for? Yes? No? O.o Oh come one! Please tell me! I really do wanna know, you know! But

More reviews in my inbox pleeeaaase! ^^

Next chapter up soonish...

TBC...