Hi to you!

The flashback has officiallyended. What were your thoughts about it? Have you told me yet? No? Then you really should, you know. Maybe you hated it? Or maybe you loved it? ^^ Come on, tell me! Well... in this chapter we will see how Raph struggles with what to tell and not to tell. Is he going insane? What do you think? Please Do tell!

Previous Readers, Well... what happened in the previous eight chapter is postponed until much much later. But I promise it will be in the story cause it is what the story is all about. And it will be so much much better!

Now, go on to the story! ^^

Thanks for reading!


A Great Lost - Ninja Turtles

Chapter 8: Dream or Not?


The memory faded away until all that was left was darkness. How long I floated in it was irrelevant as all I could think of was of that day. Or maybe it was time I started to call it as the day it actually was and finally admit it that it had happened. I can't change it and I it seems like I can't escape it no matter how much I try. I expected Leo to show up when it had faded away. To tell lecture me or something, or just be there, but he had yet to show himself. Of course I had called out to 'im in the darkness, but there had been nothing.

Suddenly I began to feel heavy. From not feeling anything to feel this sudden weight was kind of overwhelming. My body felt sore and heavy like I had slept for days. The memory of the day my older brother, Leonardo died was clear in my mind and it felt like I had been run over a thousand Hun's over and over again. The regret, guilt and sorrow came crashing down hard as the memory had proceeded. At the end it had felt like I was being suffocated and it was no chance as I woke up. I was gasping for air like a starving wolf and it didn't matter how much air that filled my lungs, the suffocating feeling didn't go away.

"Raph! Calm down!" A familiar voice told me from my side.

I hadn't realized my eyes were opened and I was sitting up, holding my hands to my throat, trying to force air in. I was beginning to panic as my body screamed for it. Calming down felt almost impossible and breathing more so. For so long I had tried to repress the memory of my hands holding the sword that pierced through my own brother's body. Why had Leo forced me to remember it?

Thinking of my brother, I wasn't so sure if it had all been a dream or not. Was he really walking around as a ghost? It couldn't be possible, right? Trying to remember the brief moment with my brother, dream or no dream, I had to figure out what the hell it meant. Maybe I was finally going crazy? Wouldn't that be hilarious.

"Calm down. Just take a deep breath and hold it." I did as I was instructed and took as deep breath my lungs allowed me and held it. "Good, good. Now, breathe it out, slowly."

Again I did as I was instructed and let the air just come out slowly. The suffocating disappeared with it and I could breathe steadily again. As I could breathe again, my eyes could now scan my whereabouts and I found myself on the bed in the sick room. I wasn't surprised to find myself in here, actually I was happy to be here. It meant that I was actually alive. I was alive! A rush I hadn't felt in years suddenly exploded inside me and I realized that it was relief. Relief that I was not dead!

"Are you okay?"

I turned to the side and saw Donny standing there with a concerned face but with a rather relived posture. I blinked a few times as I considered his question. To tell ya the truth, I wasn't so sure. I was more confused than I ever been and I didn't know what to tell him. Should I lie or tell 'im the truth? Though if I lied I would still be as confused and if I told him the truth then he would seriously think I was out of my mind and would have all the rights to lock me up and throw away the key.

So I went with the answer I would always go with, "Yeah, I'm fine I guess." I got surprised by the roughness in my voice and how weak it was. How long had I been out for?

Changing his expression to somewhat relieved, he began to check the bandages which I had completely missed. "Good. Cause you scared me half to death there for a second." Normally I would protest and tell him to stop fuss over me and take my words for it, but I actually wanted to know the damages. I sat in silence as he did his check up, knowing he would give me a report on it when he's done. Finally he seemed satisfied and sat down on the chair placed next to the bed. "You didn't pull a stitch with that rough wakening, though I forbid you to do that again." Though he said it with a light tone, there was still that hint of threat behind it.

"Hey, it's not like I can control it," I protested just as lightly.

"So I've noticed. But at least you could try not to."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever," I said and began to stretch my neck to see how stiff my body actually was. Right away I felt the muscles in my over body protest and I could pin point where the actual damage was. Most of my body was stiff from being out for... I had no idea how long but I could tell at least a few says. And there was only a small aching on places where I guessed bruises had been and where I had been stitched. "How long-"

"Three days." He answered before I could finish the question, he was probably waiting for me to ask it. "Everybody's asleep. I was just heading to bed myself when I heard you gasping for air."

"Three days? Really?" My wounds hadn't been that bad, right? I knew the Elite bastard had gotten some hits in but he had toyed with me more than seriously harmed me. The reason I had collapsed was cause I had been exhausted from the lack of sleep and losing some blood hadn't helped. "I ain't that badly injured."

"Ain't that badly injured'? What the hell Raph! You could have died," He suddenly snapped, his voice trembling with anger. "Don't you see that your reckless behavior is affecting all of us? You can't continue on like this or you'll end up killing yourself. " Tears was slightly behind his eyelids and there was terror in his eyes. I realized then and there, it was the face which he had been wearing for years underneath the composed one.

Though it didn't stop my temper which was already flaring up. "Don't be overdramatic Don. Yes, I admit I was injured but I wasn't dyin'," I said back as I pulled the covers away from me. I was in no mood to start a fight with him and really wanted to go and lie in my hammock. I decided it could wait until morning when I told 'em about our new enemy. I hated repeating myself, especially when no one had asked the question. My legs felt a bit wobbly as I put weight on them, but still I pushed myself off of the bed.

Right away Don put up a hand on my plastron."Oh no you're not. You're wounded. You need to be in bed. Resting. Our you'll pull the stitches." Don said firmly as he blocked my way with his doctor face.

I looked down on his hand and then up at his face, ready to snap myself, "I'm gonna sleep in my own-"

"No you're not. That hammock of yours is not in the right position for your wounds to heal properly," he interrupted with his doctor persona, which could be more hardheaded than me and that should be enough explanation.

But me being me, I had no problem with challenging the doctor. "I'm. Fine." I said through clenched teeth.

"Because you were lucky that Mikey was still up when you stumbled in." Throwing his arms up in the air and walking back and forth, he said with derision, "But no, you're fine. You're always fine. Our brother just died, but no you're fine. You're out trying to kill yourself, but no you're fine. You're out staring at a freaking building all night long, but no you're fine-"

"If ya don't stop, I swear I'll-" I shouted with a warning in my tone and rose up from the bed in a split second.

But he ignored my threat and just kept going. "You're withdrawing from your family and friends, but no you're fine. You're getting angrier and more out of control, but no you're fine." He stopped and turned to me with and expression extremely similar to Leo's when he was lecturing me. "Geez Raph, you're not indestructible just because you weren't the one that died!"

"I told ya ta- Wait what?" I was about to jump 'im, when I froze, not believing what I was hearing. "What did ya just say?" I demanded, though I had heard exactly what he had said.

"We know you think it should've been you. That's why you keep returning to that building, isn't it? You blame yourself that Leo took that blow and that you stabbed him," Don told me with sympathy in his eyes. With the loss of words, I just let my head fall to the floor with guilt and shame, but also to avoid Don's pitiful eyes. "But face it Raph, you were not the one that killed him. Leo was already dying when you stabbed him. There was no way he would live through all those wounds he got. That's why he did what he did."

I had seen the truth. I knew Leo wouldn't have made if, but so did he. In fact he had planed it. So no, I wasn't blaming myself for his death, I blamed Leo. "I'm ain't blamin' myself."

"Yes you do. And you're feeling guilty. You think we blame you and that's why you avoid us. But we don't." I gazed up at 'im, not believing his words. "We don't blame you for Leo's death." He repeated and I could actually see the sincerity in his eyes. "But what you're doing isn't helping anyone. You need to let us help you deal with it. We need you to help us deal with it. We have already lost Leo. We can't lose you too! This family is already falling apart and Leo wouldn't want us to live like this!"

I half sat back down on the bed, knowing that running out of here was not an option as I was sure Don would tackle me down and force me back, probably using a sedative if he had to. Though I really wanted this subject to go away, I used the oldest trick in my book, end it, change it and then pretend it had never happened. "Whatever. I ain't dead, Donny. But if we ain't deal with this new enemy then we'll be for sure."

He stared at me for a few seconds in silence, probably deciding if he should let me drop it or keep going with it. Luckily for me, his curiosity took a hold. But it didn't keep 'im from asking, "How are you feeling, for real?"

Lying to 'im would be pointless as he was the doctor and if he dropped the blame-and-guilt-shit then I was happy to tell him the truth. "Sore. Stiff... hell of a headache, but I'll live." I rubbed my temple in a try to get the pain to lessen some.

Don nodded before he turned around and walked over to one of the many cabinets and opened one. I heard him go through some bottles of pills and when he got what he was looking for, he closed it and opened the mini fridge and took out a bottle of water before he returned to the side of the bed and handed me both items. "These should help some. Though I still think you need rest."

"Thanks." I gladly took the offered pills and swallowed them in one swipe, leaving the bottle untouched which he ended up placing on the small table by the bed.

Instead of sitting back down on the chair, Don leaned against the wall, crossing his arms over his plastron as he asked, "What happened? Who attacked you?"

Knowing I would have to repeat myself tomorrow, I jumped up on the bed and leaned against the wall while rubbing my temple in wait for the pills to kick in with frustration. I considered what I was going to tell him for a few seconds, how I was going to break it to him. We had all thought we had seen the last of the Foot. That we would live the rest of our lives in peace from the Foot. It was what we had needed to move on and see a reason to keep on living, though for some it took longer than it should have.

I decided that I should just break it to 'im as simple as I could put it. "I was attacked by someone tha looked a lot like one of Shredder's Elite guards."

"But they're gone." Don said surprised what then turned to fright. "We killed them. "

"This one's different, though. Stronger, faster, more cunning. Like he was mockin' me the whole time."

Confused, he asked, "What do you mean?"

I leaned forward some, putting my elbows on my knees as I thought about the guy and his strange techniques and how he had shifted between them so fluently and unexpected. I hadn't even seen it coming. "He had the chance to kill me more tha once. Yet he didn't. It was like he toyed with me. Testing my ability only to prove he was the stronger one. It really pissed me off 'n' I lost it."

"That doesn't make any sense. They've been determine to kill us before. Why not just kill you or capture you and then take the rest of us when we would come looking for you? Wouldn't that make it easier?" He asked thoughtfully and put a hand underneath his chin as he began his stroll back and forth.

"Really feelin' the love here." I said with sarcasm and turned to look at my brother, whom by now had turned to his brainiac -mod. "But tha ain't all. It was like I was fighting a regular Elite, then Karai and when I had realized he had switched techniques, suddenly it was like I was fighting Shredder. This guy's ain't anything like anything we fought before. I stabbed him and he didn't even cry out or even flinch!"

"If he is as strong as you describes, then there has to be a reason why he let you live." Don sat down on the chair once again, his thoughtful look never leaving his face. "Karai took everything with her when she left for Japan. She didn't even try for revenge before she left. Not that there was much she could do, most of her clan was killed. What if she went back to Japan to recruit and train more ninjas and now she's back to get her revenge?"

"Yeah, but after three years?" I asked, not really that convinced. "I mean, ain't tha a little over do?"

"If Shredder was alive wouldn't you want revenge? I sure would." Don admitted.

"Ya know I would. But I ain't woulda wait three years ta do it." I crossed my arms over my chest. "I woulda hunted 'im down even if I woulda ta go to Japan kill the can-head."

"So the Foot is back." It was more of a statement than a question. "Then we need to deal with them as soon as possible. I will talk to Master Splinter tomorrow in reinstate the morning and evening practice. If what you said about this Elite is accurate, then we need to get in shape. Fast." He turned a look over my injuries before he continued, "But that'll have to wait until you're all healed up."

I gave him a nod as an answer so he would know I had heard 'im. But in fact, I was more nodding to my own line of thoughts. Karai had waited three years to kill us. Yet when Shredder was killed, she was nowhere to be found until afterwards when she retrieved the body. It was extremely rare of Shredder not to indulge his trusted daughter in his plans or she knew and just stood by and let it happened. In fact it hadn't been the first time she had defied 'im. But she had always stepped in before we defeated 'im. Had she stood by and watched that time or had she just arrived too late?

"I'm going to bed. Goodnight Raph," Don mumbled behind a yawn as he headed for the door.

"Do ya ever think of tha night?" I asked before he stepped out of the room.

Suprised, Don leaned on the door which he had yet to close. "Yeah, of course I do." He said like it was the most obvious thing in the world yet he sounded more surprised that I had asked the question.

"Don't ya think it was strange tha Karai didn't show up 'til the end three years ago?" I looked up at 'im. The thoughtful look was clear on his expression, though it was a bit of confusion there also. But I could see that the question had been on his mind more than once over the years. "Maybe she ain't knew 'bout the plan, whatever it was. Wouldn't be the first time tha Shredd-head left her out of his plan. But it all seemed so..."

"Intentional? " I nodded. "Maybe. Or it was part of the plan." He turned to me with a sincere look.

Raising an eyebrow I did not have, I asked, "What plan? To wait until Shredder's dead 'n' then she jump in to recover his body? What for?"

"That is the mystery we need to figure out."

"Dude, you're starting to sound like Mikey. And I'm telling you, that is bad." Though I shouldn't be so quick to judge, as I was the crazy one which had had a out-of-body experience and the visit from our deceased older brother, which I still debated whether it had been real or not.

"Yeah, I know. I haven't slept in two days. My brain is going overload from all the caffeine." He tried to rub the tiredness from his eyes.

"You need sleep. " But as I was about to tell him to go to bed, when I remembered there was another question which I desperately needed to know. "Yo Don, I need to ask ya somethin'."

"Yeah?" He asked rather surprised. Something which was really getting on my nerves. Why was it such a big surprise when I wanted to talk or ask a question?

"Do ya remember Leo acting weird tha night?"

"What do you mean?" He narrowed his eyes a little, trying to find out where I was going with it. I had never really talked about our brother since he died, and I wasn't as taken aback when he got suspicious.

"Like... when he 'n' I were fighting, he just gave up. 'N' how he tried to get us home the whole night."

"Em..." He looked up in the ceiling as he thought about it. "Yeah kinda. I mean, I don't remember much details about it, but I know I thought it was weird at the time that he would let you go, but..."

"He knew he was gonna die." I said with no doubt in my mind.

Don snapped his eyes back at me. "What?"

"Leo knew he was gonna die tha night." I repeated, keeping my tone steady and sure as I knew he wouldn't believe me.

"Why would you even think that? You haven't even talked about that night at all, not to mention you don't even want to say his name and now when you do, that is what you're telling me?" He spat like what I had said had been venom.

"I know I haven't wanna talk about it or Leo, but... I saw it in his eyes. He knew he was gonna die before the fight with the Foot even begun."

"That doesn't make any sense. Leo wouldn't do that to us. Besides you weren't even there when the fight begun. Me and Mikey were. And I didn't see that in Leo's eyes." He protested as he got angry again.

I was tempted to tell him about my encounter with our older brother and tell him about rerun of the night. Though something in my mind told me it would be a lost cost and that I shouldn't.

"Yeah, ya're right. I-" I tried to chose my words carefully as I was too tired to get into a fight about it. "I think I just wanted an explanation ta why he died."

He eyed me in silence for a few more seconds and I could see he wasn't buying it. Though he too seemed too tired to fight about it, he said, "So this new Elite guard, we'll deal with it tomorrow."

"Yeah, we'll figure it out tamorrow," I said as I faked a yawn which actually turned to a real one.

"You stay in that bed tonight and maybe we can discuss you going back to sleep in your own room tomorrow, but only maybe," he said with a slight smile as he stood and began to walk to the door.

"Yeah, whatever."

"Goodnight." The smile went wider before he turned off the light. With the door half closed, he stuck his head in and asked, "Hey Raph? Where did you get Leo's katana?"

The sound in his voice told me he already knew the answer. I turned to 'im as I answered, "The Elite." He gave me a soft nod and I could see the outline of his head fall as he looked down, thinking something he wouldn't share with me. "Where is-" I asked.

"Master Splinter has it," he answered before I could finish asking the question.

I nodded, though wasn't sure if he saw it. The door closed and I sat alone in the room. Suddenly I got a alien feeling and my eyes turned to the corners to the room, searching the darkness which my eyes had yet to adjust to. The thought of Leo watching us was still in my mind and I wasn't sure if that was soothing or just creepy. Sure I wanted him to be around, but that meant alive. I never believed in ghost and I wasn't gonna start now. Yet I knew I was alone, still I was sure I felt another presence.

"Leo?" I asked.


Ooohhhh! What could it be? Do you think Leo is still lurking around and watching his brothers? Spooky I say! I love ghosts! Do you? Scary ghost movies is the best!

Thanks for reading!

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TBC...