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A Great Lost

Chapter 19: Questioning the Orders


The glances the two creatures kept throwing at me was similar to what the Creature in Red had already given me when we had fought the very first time. Perhaps a bit more intense than that time, like there was some kind of meaning behind it now. It looked like the two creatures would like to inflict the same damage to me as I had inflicted on them. If not more so. The look in their eyes were of something dark and cold, yet behind it there was something that had lingered ever since I had been told to take the hat off. Somehow it bothered me.

As I was watching the two creatures moving the three of them away from me, something in the back of my mind wanted me to question my actions towards them. That what I had done to them was something I should not have done. That I should have done the opposite and still should do the opposite of what I was doing.

But why was that? I had been given the orders by the wielder of the Master. I had followed them through to perfection just as I had always done. I had done nothing more and nothing less than what had been expected of me. They had been precise and clear. They had given me a purpose. Why should I question it?

Looking up again at the creatures across the roof, an unexplained chill went straight though me on the inside. Something about these creatures... wasn't right.

The two creatures which had yet to fall, still carried their fallen companion between them as they carefully and rapidly made their way over to the fire-escape. They seemed to struggle at keeping a good grip on the Creature in Orange. The severed stump of an arm wasn't giving them the much needed support to keep it up and the red liquid that was pouring out wasn't helping the grip either. A trail of said liquid followed them as they went.

Thinking about red, I turned my eyes up to the creature with that color around its head. It had never really taken its eyes off of me as it had followed the motion of the Creature in Purple, which was more occupied in trying to leave the roof and the building all the while repeatedly checking on the wellbeing of the Creature in Orange, than keep an eye on me. Out of all of those three creatures, the one in red was somehow the most intriguing to me. The way it acted, moved and fought was so... familiar. Predictable. Though I knew I could easily defeat the creature of impatience and lack of focus, it had earned its place of being interesting. Why that was, I could not yet tell.

I found myself not being able to turn my sight away from the Creature in Red. It was challenging me, baiting me into actions with that stare. I almost wanted to give in and give it exactly what it was asking for. Its behavior was of something I had never encountered before. It was stirring up something inside my mind and I found myself wanting to... test it?

I knew I wasn't supposed to, nor allowed to, there was still a... feeling that crossed me whenever the creature in red gave me that look. It was a strong and warm feeling which made the corners of my mouth wanting to twitch despite of the stitches. There was also a word which fitted the description of the feeling perfectly. What was it again? Cloud? No, that did not sound quite right. I knew I had heard the word being spoken before. Proud? Yeah, that seemed right. I felt proud of the creature whenever it gave me the look of wanting me gone. Why was that?

"Hang on, Mikey!" The Creature in Purple kept repeating with a kind of haste in its tone. "We're getting you out of here. Just stay with us, okay?"

I couldn't help but tilt my head as I watched the creatures go. The Creature in Red was limping and wobbling on its' good leg, trying its' best at not stumble and fall and ignoring the agony it must be in. Occasionally the weight got too much for it and it did fall. Yet it skillfully did not take the other two down with it.

Barley stopping, the Creature in Purple turned its' head to the red one and asked, "Raph, you okay?" It made an effort in trying to turn to the fallen creature while still obtaining its firm grip on the Creature in Orange. Yet it did not let the Creature in Red respond before it gave it an order. "Come on Raph, get up!"

"Just go..." The Creature in Red dismissed the purple one rather roughly. "I'll catch up." It spoke and the one in purple turned around and headed for the fire-escape.

The Creature in Red tried to hold back a cry of pain as it forced itself to get up again. It did not avert its' eyes from me during the whole process, watching me intensively as if I was going to disobey the orders that had been given to me by the wielder of the Master and attack them before the full hour had past. If it wanted to get a strike at me, now would be the time to do it. I would not disobey my orders and I wouldn't touch them until the hour had past.

"If Mikey dies, I'll kill ya," it said with a roaring tone and the threat within it was clear to me.

There it was again, the chill down my spine. Another tilt to my head. I did not understand these creatures. They were nothing like any others I had encountered before. These creatures did not let themselves be a simple target which was to be eliminated simply and easy. No these fought back with everything they had and helped one another even though they were doomed to fail. They stepped in the way of me killing one of them while risking being killed themselves instead of fleeing like others had done. If they were so willing to go to the darkness, they why did they not accept defeat straight away? Surly they had to know they were fighting the inevitable?

Founding its leg being able to hold its' weight again, the Creature in Red returned to the other two which was struggling to get their feet from the roof and then on to the platform of the stairs which would take them to the alley below.

Even from this small distance, I could hear the rough voice of the red one. "How's Mikey?"

"We're losing him!" The Creature in Purple yelled in a high pitching voice which seemed to be alarmed. "The Battleshell is down there. We need to get down quickly so I can do something to stop the bleeding. Come on!"

The Creature in Purple got over the edge and on to the fire-escape, but the small jump made it loose its balance and it swayed a bit before it managed to stabilize itself again. It reached out its arms to let the other one know it was prepared to be handed the Creature in Orange, but its' eyes turned to look at me. In just a few seconds its' face shifted between many forms. It wasn't the first time it had done that since I had taken off the hat. It was like it did not understand the situation or like it did not want to. Was there something blocking it? What was it that was so hard to comprehend?

My eyes fell upon the Creature in Orange as it was handed to the purple one. It had passed out rather quickly once its arm had been detached, which I had not expected. The lack of fight in it, in both of the creatures with orange and purple was rather inadequate. Empty. Not full filling. I had expected more resistance like with the Creature in Red. But there was none. Removing the arm and taking the eye had only left an empty hole inside. Yet... Although they weren't as interesting as the Creature in Red, they still did something. The one in orange, before it had passed out had given me a strange look. Its eyes had been soft and a feeling of familiarity had crossed me which had made me touched its cheek. That feeling had wanted me to sooth the creature in its moment of suffering.

More flashes of light penetrating the darkness within. Some too quick to register what was showing within those flashes. But also some containing images of the creatures. It was confusing. But as soon as they had appeared, the images disappeared as my eyes fell upon the red puddles which trailed the creatures. Each of them with their own serious injury and if it went unattended, neither of them would have much time left. How they would meet the darkness would not matter much, as it was going to happen either way. But surely the Creature in Orange was not going to wake up again. Its blue eyes would not stare at me again with that familiar sight as I cut off its head.

I watched the creatures step upon the fire escape and with one last glance at me, they disappeared down behind the edge and I could hear their rapid footsteps in the metal racks. With the countdown of fifty-three minutes left until the hunt would begin, I walked over to the only things left of the creatures and sat down between them.

As easy as I had taken the arm and eye, I would take their heads, just like the wielder of the Master had commanded. For fifty-two minutes they would try to escape while trying to attend to themselves as best as they could. But where would they hide?

The answer was obvious. They would return to where they belonged only to realize that it wouldn't be safe. Although the way to it had not registered within my mind when I had left it, I knew I would easily find it again. Why, I did not know like with most things which seemed to concern the creatures with the colored bands. They may very well go there, but they would not stay for long. They would find another place to go, to hide. But where was that?

As more minutes past, I heard the sound of a machine leaving the alley below. The creatures had really taken their time to get down and away. Although I had heard most of the conversation between the two creatures, it had been of no significant subject. Yet somehow I had found their voices rather soothing and reassuring. It meant that neither of them had not yet stepped into the darkness and my hunt wasn't spoiled just yet. However... was that really why it was so soothing?

My eyes fell upon the arm and then the eye once again. Looking at them, it gave me nothing. There was only emptiness inside and nothing of what had been when I had taken the parts from the creatures. It was just an arm. It was just an eye. These had not been the first limbs I had taken from creatures. Yet somehow they weren't the same. Still they were only a just, yet they were something. Words I knew did not suffice to name why these two parts demanded my attention. Why was that?

Tilting my head slightly to the side, I tried to figure it out. These creatures meant nothing to me other than my next order. They were an assignment, a hunt. New targets which the wielder of my Master had ordered me to exterminate. Except, being around them was like... like there was a piece missing. The three of them had an opening. A weakness. A spot which needed to be filled. It was obvious, easily exploited and used against them, yet they did nothing to fill it. It was curious and I found myself wondering what was supposed to be there. What was missing? Why was it wrong?

I had never questioned anything outside of the darkness before. At least not until I had encountered these green creatures with colored bands around their heads with the weapons of either sais, bo staff or nun chucks. The first order regarding them had been the first time I had questioned an order. Throwing the katana at the Creature in Red had not made sense to me at all. That katana had been given to me when I had left the darkness and I had had it by my side ever since. Somehow I knew it was more than a simple sword and that it meant something which I had yet to realize. As soon as my eyes had fallen upon it and my hand had clutched its handle, I knew it was right. It was mine and mine alone. Yet I had been ordered to throw it at one of the creatures with the intent of not injure it and then leave it behind. It had not made sense to me, yet I had followed through with the order.

But once it was gone, out of my hand and sight, it had left a deep void within. It had been that void which had brought me to do something else which I had never done before. An instinct had taken over and I had found myself within their lair. At the time, all I had thought of was of the sword and because of that I had let my guard down. When I had found the other katana, almost identical to the one I had wielded since the darkness, other thoughts, feelings and questions had crossed my mind along with flashes which contained blurry images of something familiar. Things that had not mattered before then, suddenly felt wrong and out of place. Before I had been able to figure out what those images was, I had been detected by their master.

With no hesitation, I had snapped the fuzzy creature's neck. But what had surprised me was how little the creature had resisted. It had surrendered. Given up. While other creatures had fought the darkness, their master had seemed to embraced. It had been odd. But what was even more out of the ordinary was the stare the fuzzy creature had given me. At that moment, I had not though much of it, but as I had left their lair, those eyes had stayed with me. It was the first time I had sent another creature to the darkness without an order from the wielder of my Master. Somehow I got the impression that the fuzzy creature knew what was going to happen to it and I was going to be the one to do it. Its stare had been like it had seen something familiar yet I had never encountered their master before.

That stare of familiarity had been within other creatures as well. The creature with green eyes and red hair had also had the same stare along with the three creatures with colored bands. All of them had looked at me with that stare. Was that the something which had been underneath every mixed stare during the fight? I wondered why that was. Familiarity meant it was something already know...

I looked down at the arm lying in a pool of red mixed with the rain water which was still falling from the sky. The color in it had already paled away from its original shade. But what struck me odd was the numbers of fingers it had. Three and not the usual five. I looked down on my own hands and found the same number of fingers on each hand.

Another flash of light went off within my mind and my hands went to clutch my head. But this flash followed with intense strength and force which made me question if my head was splitting right open. This... this feeling? This force, this pressure that came crushing down inside of my head... I had never felt anything like it! For some reason, I wanted to make a loud sound. To fall to the ground and roll around. But as soon as it had come, it was gone and everything was back to normal again. But it had left a fatigue in my head which had not been there before... My head was spinning...

Suddenly I got an intense urge to get out of here. To run. To hide. So I stood up and headed for the next building. But I could not. The order in my head brought me to an abrupt stop only a few feet away from the edge of the building. The full hour had not yet past. Although I had almost forgotten about the order of taking the three creatures heads because of the flashes, I could still not ignore it.

Suddenly I was getting restless and impatient. Everything was confusing and did not make sense. Instead of standing here, I should be out following orders. Yet I was following orders. Twenty minutes was left until I could leave this roof and all the confusion behind. I couldn't comprehend why the wielder of the Master had given the creatures an hour to escape when it knew I would find them eventually. It had never postpone any creatures demise like this before, yet these creatures had been treated differently. What was it gaining from putting off the inevitable? If it wanted their severed heads then why not let me take them straight away?

Again there was questions.

The wielder had acted strange throughout the whole encounter. Though it had ordered me to fight and end other creatures while standing on the side line many times before, the wielder had not done so with such content as it had done this time with these three creatures. Every strike could have been the end of them if the order had been so, but instead the wielder had wanted me to prolong the end. To test them and to see what they were going to do. And yet I could not help but wonder if it was just limited towards them.

The three creatures had changed their behavior when I had removed the hat. They had faltered, hesitated. Their punches had become weaker and not aimed to end it. There was no more challenge or will to fight. Not at least until I had been ordered to remove the arm and eye. It was like the wielder had predicted the outcome. If so, then why prolong the creatures demise? Why remove an arm and an eye and not just let them face the darkness straight away? Why have them believe they would be able to escape?

These creatures was not like the others I had faced. They were not part in a play the wielder had ordered me to end over and over again. No, they were different. There was another meaning behind these orders. A darker one than any other. These creatures was important to the wielder. It wanted them to face the darkness, but prolong it as much as possible. What was it gaining from doing that? What- purpose? - was it? That word did not seem right.

My eyes turned up to the sky and the storm above me. Ever since I encountered these green creatures, everything was out of place. Red, orange and purple had taken a place inside my head and would not leave me alone. Not to mention the name which had been spoken and repeated time and time again in my present... Why did that name bother me so much? For some reason, I could not remember it, yet whenever I hear it I could not deny it was doing something within me. Everything about that name was wrong and it belonged to the darkness. Yet... it was spoken by both the creatures and the wielder like it belonged to them.

Looking down at the parts left by the creatures, the red water which had pooled underneath them had lost its rich color and only a faint trace of it could been seen. The rain was still falling hard and soon there would be nothing red left on the roof. My eyes went for the trail the creatures had left but I found that completely gone. The creatures had been given an hour to escape and as ordered, I had stood put and watched them leave. Where they would go and hide had not even crossed the wielder's mind, nor if I would be able to find them. I found myself wondering if it knew where they would go?

I walked over to the edge and the staircase where the creatures had gone. There would be no trail to fallow. No clue left behind. If I went to their place, I would still not find them as they would not linger there for long. The creatures they would turn to would not be able to help them as their place had been burned down. So where would they go?

Ten...

Remaining in the city would not be wise.

Nine...

With their injuries they would not go too far.

Eight...

Somewhere where there would not be too many eyes.

Seven...

A place where they would feel safe and familiar.

Six..

Somewhere which is the opposite of their home.

Five...

Up to the north where they would have a forest.

Four...

And the country side.

Three...

With a house.

Two...

And a barn...

One!


The world around me was beginning to crumble. Within my mind I was standing in the middle of a frozen lake and the ice underneath my feet was starting to crack. Soon it would no longer hold my weight and I would break through the ice and fall into the deep, black and freezing water where I wouldn't be able to do nothing than to just watch myself drown. There was no help. No way to escape so all I could do was to just stand there, awaiting my fate. It was inescapable.

Why did I come out here? What had I been expecting? I don't know... whatever it was that I wanted to find when I begun to dig this grave up, was long gone from my mind. Was there a reason for this? If so, what was it again?

The storm around me had reached its peak and the thunders above my head was giving enough light to get a clear view into the open coffin just beneath my feet. My eyes wouldn't tear themselves away from the sight before them no matter how much the only sane part of my mind told them to. How my legs still kept supporting my weight was unclear as I had lost all feelings of myself. I had no idea if my heart was still beating or if my lungs was still breathing. The wind and the rain and the cold of the storm didn't exist. Nothing existed. Only the coffin.

As I kept looking into it, I didn't know it I should laugh or if I should cry. Was I supposed to scream or was I supposed to celebrate? Should I be happy or should I be devastated? I honestly had no idea what to do. I admit, I had not thought that far ahead. How had I failed to see that? What my reaction would or should be once I had dug up the grave? What I was going to find or not find? What was the purpose of me doing this in the first place? Why did I decide to dig up my own brother's grave?

What my eyes saw... what they were looking at... Was there even a word for it?

"Raph?" A soft voice spoke above my head.

However my eyes wouldn't budge from the spot inside the coffin to look up at who had braced through the storm to come and find me. It took a few seconds longer for the voice to reach me through the darkness in my mind and out to the middle of the frozen lake. Only then did my mind register who's voice it was. Yet I wouldn't even dare to look at him and se the expression he must of had upon his face. All I could think of was that he wasn't supposed to see this...

But instead of telling him to leave, my mind went another way. "He's... he's really..." My voice broke as I didn't recognize it. Who was this owner of this broken voice? It sounded so pitiful, broken and scared. It couldn't be me, or could it?

Trying to speak got even harder once I realized it was my voice and for a second there I think I actually forgot how to do it. I tried to make out words, but different sounds came out. My shoulders began to shake up and down as the reality was beginning to hit me. Tears fell freely from my eyes. I was sobbing like a helpless little kid...

The ice underneath my feet was breaking even further and leaving large cracked veins throughout the lake and the water was coming through. As the water reached my skin, it was freezing cold and a thousand needles pierced my skin. It wouldn't be long now...

My legs buckled from the imaginary pain, yet to me it was all real. By falling, it brought me dangerously closer to the dreaded wooden coffin and the opening of it. Only my hands kept me from having my head fall into it.

"Raph, you need to get out of there. Let's go inside," Donny spoke, his own voice trembling and sounding scared. With him too, it sounded like he had been replaced by someone who had a cheap imitation of his voice. "If you stay out here... you-you-you'll get sick..."

What was happening?

As much as I wanted to move away and get out of this freaking hole, I couldn't move. I had hoped. And I had wished. I had even prayed! I had put all the faith I had in this when that small possibility had presented itself... But now... Now it was all crashing down. Destroying every last remaining piece of hope I had so desperately clutched my hands to for dear life and not even leaving so much as a single grain of sand. I was being robbed and violated off of it all now. If I had thought my world had already been crushed and burned down, I hadn't even known half of it. This... This! This was far worse than any form of torture could ever do to me. And the worst of it was, I had brought it upon myself.

The ice beneath my feet wouldn't hold my weight anymore, and I fell completely into the freezing water. My breath was forced out of me and in a panic my hands shot up and grabbed a hold of the edge of the ice to pull me out of the water, but for some reason, I couldn't. As the daze between this world and reality faded once more, I realized my hands was down inside the coffin and instead of touching the edge of the ice, the texture underneath my palms was different. Rough, gooey, yet dry at places and solid below it all. Another flash of thunder brought a split second of light into where my hands were, but that was enough to make me see what I was touching. For the first time in three years, four months and twelve days I was touching the brother we had lost, loved, missed and longed for so much it hurt.

My hands was holding his head like it was the most precious thing there was. But that also brought a fact which no matter how much I wanted, it could not be ignored. There was not even a hint of life within this rotting, decaying and half skeleton of a corpse. Only death.

So should I laugh or should I cry? Should I scream or should I celebrate? Should I be happy or should I be devastated? What was the custom of seeing your dead, rotting, decaying, only skin and bones of a brother again after so long?

All I knew was that this image of him would forever stay burned into my brain as it had already left as deep of a scar that was both mentally and physically possible. These hands would never forget the feeling of this melting flesh and the decaying smell would always linger within my nose.

Was this how it felt when you begun to go insane?

"...he's-he's-he's really g-g-gone..." I managed to speak through the sobs as the reality of it all came to light. There was no way I could deny it now. "H-h-he's go-gone... L-L-Leo's gone... he's de-e-a-ad. He is d-d-dead. Leo's dead...!" My body was trembling almost uncontrollably and though I was freezing cold, it wasn't because of the storm. But as I cried and wept, suddenly I heard the sound of laughter.

Who was laughing? Why would anyone even think this would be funny? Who dared laugh in a moment like this?

"Raph..." Don spoke again, his tone worried.

Why was he worried and not angry at the dammed person who was laughing like a stupid maniac?

My eyes ripped away from the coffin and my hands pushed me up as I looked up to searched for the person responsible with the intent to murder that someone. However there was no one other than me and Donny to be found. Yet I still heard the laughter. Franticly I searched for the source as I turned my head at every direction, barley feeling how my neck protested of the harsh movements. Finally, I stopped to look at Donny in confusion and in return, I got a concerned expression back from him. Why was he looking at me like that?

It was then I realized who was responsible for the laughter. It was me. I was the laughing maniac. Except, I didn't think this was funny. Not at all. In fact, this was sad. It was devastating, miserable and excruciatingly painful. Yet I was laughing like this was the funniest thing that had ever happened to me...

Nothing made sense anymore. Everything around me was crashing down! My world was burning up! I was drowning!

Why couldn't I stop? "Leo's dead. Ha-ha! Our brother's dead! He died. Ha! He got himself killed. Dead, ya know! Dead! Ha-ha-ha! He bit the dust! Gone. Sayonara. Bye-bye. Puff. Nada! Ain't no more!" Another fit of hysterical laugh escaped me and I decided it was a great idea to lay down on top of the coffin, facing the falling sky as I laughed away. "That bastard died. He died 'n' left us here. Haha-ha! He finally did what I wanted. We got rid of that pesky fearless leader of ours who ain't stopped naggin' 'bout every single little thing! Ain't that great?!" The laughter was beginning to evaporate and instead, turn into pure, hateful anger. "Ya hear that Leo?! It's great! Ya're gone! Ya're dead! No more tellin' me what I can 'n' ain't can do! I'm finally free of ya! Ya hear me?!" I sat up as I screamed at the sky screamed at the top of my lungs. "Ya. Are. Dead! Dead, ya hear me?! Ya got yarself killed! Ya ain't can steal my thunder no more! Ya ain't the hero no more. Now it's ya turn ta be jealous of me! ME!" I grabbed a handful of dirt or mud, maybe it was a stone, I didn't know what and threw it as far as I could up into the sky before I turned around and stood on my knees and hands clutching at the open hatch and staring at the corpse. I kept screaming; "Ya hear that?! Ya hear what I'm tellin' ya, Fearless?! I'm the leader now! Me! Raphael! Not ya, ya piece of shit! Ya wanna know why? Cause ya're dead! Yeah, that's right! Ya died! Ya let Shredder take ya down! How pathetic ain't that?! Eternal glory for the all mighty Leonardo! Halleluiah!"

"Raph, please stop this..." Don was pleading, but I wasn't hearing him.

I was too busy with yelling at the corpse and finally, let all my feelings out into the open. Unfortunately, the one I needed to hear it all, had not been hearing anything for years.

"Ya fuckin' bastard is dead! No more heroic acts for ya! Next time, I'm gonna be the one who's gonna save the day! Ya ain't gonna be there ta steal it away again! Ya hear that?!" I slammed my fist on top of the coffin as hard as I could. "Why did ya have ta steal it away from me, ya bastard? Why? Ain't I good enough? Didn't ya trust that I could do just as a good of a job as ya?! Why did it always have ta be ya? Why, Leo, why? Why was it so damned important for ya to be the hero? Ta die as one? What honor did that bring ya? Ya're a rottin' corpse! What honor is it in that? Tell me!"

I kept rambling on, screaming, demanding, asking... So mu of it that my throat was beginning to get soar from it all, yet I wouldn't budge. I needed answers so desperately that nothing else mattered. "Tell me!" I repeated over and over again as my fist slammed into the wood underneath me. "Tell me!" Bang. "Tell me!" Bang. "Tell me!" Bang, bang. "Tell me, damn it!" Bang, bang. "Tell me!" Bang, bang, bang. "Fuck, TELL ME!"

With both fists, I simultaneously slammed them with as much strength I could possibly put into it against the wooden coffin I was sitting on. All the anger, rage and hatred was in it as I slammed it over and over again. As much as I wanted to hit his corpse, cause that would be the closest I could get to Leonardo, I would not let myself do it. No matter how insane I would go, I would never intentionally do anything which would desecrate his last resting place. At least not more so than I had already done. Between the storm and my screaming rage, I failed to hear the cracking in the wood underneath. Soon the wood gave away and had me fall into the coffin.

"Raphael!" Don screamed in alarm and despite the loud storm, I heard him jump down into the hole. "Raph! Raph! Are you alright?"

What was happening to me? I didn't recognize the turtle within me and I doubted I would recognize the turtle I saw before me if I looked into a mirror. All of this... it had to be a nightmare. All this pain, suffering and grief felt so surreal that the only explanation had to be that it was a nightmare. It just couldn't be real.

I was lying inside a coffin within a grave I had dug for my dead brother, which I had then filled only to dug it up again three years later to see if he was still in it... What the hell was wrong with me? But as I lied there, next to his corpse, it was the first time in a very long time that anything in my life felt right. That I belonged...

Why was I clinging on to the ice? What was I hoping for? The freezing water had already cut off all blood circulation. If drowning was what made sense then why did I fight it? I should let go and have the water swallow me whole. I should just go... and that was exactly what I did. I let go. I watched how the light from the hole in the ice was getting further and further away as I descended down into the darkness. I was where I was supposed to be. I had finally found my place...

My dark thoughts was rudely and abruptly interrupted as something grabbed a hold of my arm and had me pulled out of that dark and the comfort of the coffin.

"Raph, answer me, damn it!" A slap across my cheek had me open my eyes and Donny's face came into view. He looked furious. "What the hell are you doing?" He demanded with the same authority as our father and brother had used and all could only answer.

"I-I don't know..." I spoke in both shock and uncertainty. I didn't know what was happening to me, to the world, to anything. "I honestly don't know, Donny... I'm-I'm... I'm losin' it, Donny. I-I..." My voice trailed off as I had no idea what to say or what to do. My head fell as I felt more tears falling from my eyes, but I doubted he could tell them apart from the rain falling.

I expected him to lecture me, but was surprised when he said with a soft tone; "It's okay." I looked up at him and saw his expression had soften a little. Although he was still angry, I found grief and pain within his eyes. It was then I realized that I wasn't the only one who was suffering, of course he was too. "It's okay," he repeated and then pulled me into a tight comforting embrace. "Let's just get inside... and then we can figure it out together."

I wanted to lean into the embrace and take comfort, yet I felt like I didn't deserve it. Donny had asked me not to do this, yet I had stubbornly followed through with my actions. Now he was hurting just as much as me and I had brought it upon him. This image of our brother wouldn't just be restricted to me, but Don would also be haunted by it for the rest of his life. It wasn't fair to him.

I don't know how long we stood there, but it felt way too short. When Donny released me, it had done nothing to take away all the shame and hate I had for myself. I had not even been able to return the embrace and had just stood there frozen in place. Now, he took my hand and tried to coax me out of the broken coffin by tugging at it. As I lifted my right leg, I felt a shift underneath me and another crack.

"Don't look down!" Don said as my eyes began to move down, but I shot back up too his stare straight away. He kept my stare in his as he shook his head slightly as my sight wavered.

Although I knew why he didn't want me to look down, I still had to force myself not to. I knew what I would find if I did. I had fallen broken and fallen into the coffin. The cracks and shifts underneath my feet was enough to indicate that I had broken more than that. My mind went blank as I stepped out of it and up to the wall of the grave. However, my actions seemed slow and drawn out like I was under water. My mind was in a turmoil of emotions which made it hard to put one though together with another.

Suddenly I felt useless. Empty. Tired. I couldn't see any purpose anymore. Life was meaningless. There was only pain in living. I felt weak and inadequate. Even if there was something I could do to stop the Elite from killing us, nothing would change. We would still be lost and broken. Why should we fight it?

"Take my hand," Don said as he had easily gotten out of the grave and was now reaching out his hand to me.

Like in a daze, I slowly looked up at the hand and fallowed his arm up until I saw his face. I was about to grab it when a flash of thunder struck into the sky and lightened up the forest and everything around us. Including a deadly threat behind my brother who had a sword about to strike at his neck.

No...! No! "NOOO!"


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