Thank you for your continued enthusiasm for and support of this story. It means everything to me.
And to my guest reviewers, a special shout out, since I cannot respond to all of you individually.
Note to 1Saloni: yes, this story will continue through the arrival of Kate and Rick's sons, and it will go beyond that, actually. I know exactly where and how this story will end. And then I have plans for a few one-shots within this same universe after that.
Now, on to the chapter...
Alexis was cold. Very cold. Goose bumps covered every inch of her body, and her teeth were chattering.
She was in the morgue at the 12th Precinct. Why was she in the morgue? She hadn't interned there with Lanie in years. "Lanie?" she called. There was no answer. "Dr. Perlmutter?" Still no answer.
She heard the hum of the fluorescent lights above her, and realized for the first time that two of the stainless steel morgue tables were side by side. The corpses on them were covered with sheets, and a wave of terror broke over Alexis. She didn't want to move, but she had to move. She stumbled forward and pulled back the sheet on the nearest gurney, revealing the face of the dead person.
It was her father.
"No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Alexis screamed, but all she could hear was the echo of her own screaming.
She stumbled to the other gurney and pulled back the sheet to reveal the face of the second corpse.
It was Kate.
They were dead. Her parents were dead and in the morgue.
Alexis fell to her knees and let forth a keening wail of grief, collapsing face down in the small space between the two tables as she felt what she could only describe as her heart being ripped from her chest….
"Alexis! Alexis, wake up! Lex, WAKE UP!"
Alexis was sobbing and gasping, thrashing around in the bed, the sheets twisted below her knees, when she felt Javier's strong, familiar arms wrap around her and pull her to him. She clung to him, still sobbing and gasping for breath. She opened her eyes, which were blurred by tears, and just sobbed in his arms for several minutes.
Javier spoke quietly but firmly, right in Alexis's ear. "They're okay," he said. "Castle and Beckett are alive. They made it. They had a baby nine days ago. They're all right."
Alexis loosened her grip on Javier just slightly. They were at his apartment, and she had just had a horrible nightmare that her parents hadn't survived the brutal attack on them one year ago today. The digital alarm clock read 3:47 AM. "I—I was in the morgue," Alexis stuttered. She was still shaking in his arms. "And they were there. They were dead, Javier. They were both dead."
"Well, it was a year ago today that we found them," he said, glancing over his shoulder at his alarm clock to confirm the time. "I've been waiting for something like this to happen for the past coupla weeks."
"I'm sorry I'm such a mess," Alexis said, pushing her hair out of her face.
"You have nothing to apologize for," Javier said fiercely. "Nothing at all."
"I need to see them," she said. "I need to see them and know that they're okay, Javier."
He nodded. "Then let's get dressed, and I'll take you home," he said. He reached down and untwisted the sheets so Alexis could get her legs free and get out of bed and get dressed.
A few minutes later, they were dressed and headed down to Javier's car. "It's stupid, I know," she said. "But I have to see them. I just...I have to see them."
Javier stopped in the lobby of his building, so Alexis stopped too. "It's not stupid," he told her. "It's not stupid at all. That nightmare shook you up so much, of course you have to see them. And I'm going to take you to them, Lex." He hugged her, and she let the hug linger for several seconds.
A short time later, they were on their way up to the loft in the elevator. Alexis quietly unlocked the front door, and Javier followed her inside. The loft was dark and silent.
Alexis dropped her purse on the coffee table, and Javier stood by the couch as Alexis peeked into Rick and Kate's bedroom. Seeing that everything was quiet and still, and the lights were off, she tiptoed into the bedroom and over to their bed.
Her father was on his back, his breathing deep and even. Kate was lying on her side, her head resting on Rick's chest, and Alexis could hear her breathing too. She watched them sleeping and listened to them breathing for a couple of minutes, and then she crossed the room to stand before Lily's bassinet. The baby was sleeping peacefully as well.
Alexis was watching Lily so intently that she was caught off guard when an arm encircled her throat and she was pulled back against someone. "Don't speak, and don't make any sudden moves," Kate said in a low, menacing whisper.
"Mom, it's me!" Alexis said out loud, wincing when she saw Lily stir.
"Alexis?" Kate released her captive, and sure enough, when the woman turned around, a shaft of moonlight caught her features long enough for Kate to see that the intruder she had seen standing over her baby's bassinet was, indeed, Alexis. "I thought you were spending the night at Esposito's. What are you doing here?"
Alexis looked chagrined and apologetic at the same time. "I had a horrible nightmare, and I woke up screaming and sobbing, and I told Javier I had to see you and Dad, I had to be sure you were really all right. So he brought me home. He's in the living room. I'm sorry I woke you, Mom."
And it was in that moment that Kate realized what day it was: one year to the day since Caleb Brown had shot her and Rick in the kitchen...and Alexis, Javier, Kevin and Lanie had found them lying there, holding hands, bleeding out on the floor.
Lily's arrival nine days ago had pre-empted the realization that the date was rapidly approaching.
Alexis was still none-too-steady on her feet, her face too pale and her eyes too wide for Kate's liking. "It's okay," Kate said. "I'm sorry I grabbed you like that, but I felt something, felt like someone was in here, and when I opened my eyes, all I saw was someone's back to me, standing over Lily's bassinet, and I just reacted."
Alexis tried to crack a smile but didn't quite succeed. "I guess I'm lucky you didn't throw a flying tackle and knock me down," she said.
Kate took Alexis by the hand and led her out to the living room. Esposito was sitting on the couch, but he sprang to his feet when the women entered. "Everything okay?" he asked.
Kate and Alexis looked at each other. "We're working on it," Kate said.
"I shouldn't-" Alexis started to say, but then she trailed off.
"You shouldn't what?" Kate asked.
"I'm not sure," Alexis said. "But it's been a year. And you're all right. And Dad's all right. And Lily's here now. I haven't had any nightmares or panic attacks in months."
"But this is the anniversary," Javier said. "That's a pretty powerful trigger."
"This day is not going to be easy for your dad and me either," Kate said.
Now Alexis looked guilty. "And I reminded you of it," she said, looking stricken.
"It would have occurred to us at some point today," Kate said.
"None of this is your fault, Alexis." The three of them turned to look when they heard Rick speak, watching as he entered the room, wearing his bathrobe. At Kate's look, he said, "I woke up alone. And then I remembered what today is, and I had to find you."
Alexis went to Rick and hugged him. "I'm sorry, Dad," she said.
He hugged her back. "For what? For having a nightmare? For worrying about Kate and me? Those are not things to be sorry about, Alexis." He looked at Esposito over Alexis's shoulder as he held his eldest daughter. "Esposito, what are you doing here?"
Esposito replied, "Alexis was with me when she had the nightmare that made her need to see you and Beckett. I brought her home."
"Thank you," Rick replied. When he released Alexis, she went over and hugged Kate tightly.
"No blaming yourself," Kate said firmly as she and Alexis embraced. "And no apologies. You just needed reassurance that we were all right."
"I did," Alexis replied. She looked from Kate to Rick, drinking them both in eagerly with her eyes. She couldn't stop the jaw-cracking yawn that escaped her then.
"Do you think you can sleep now?" Rick asked.
"I can at least rest my eyes," Alexis agreed.
"I'll call you later, Lex," Javier said. He stood up, but before he could take a step, Rick spoke again.
"Why don't we all try and get some sleep before Lily's awake for the morning?" Rick asked. He looked at Esposito." And that 'all' includes you, Esposito."
Esposito and Alexis exchanged a look, and Kate looked at Rick. The three of them were surprised at what Rick was saying. Javier put it together first. "On the couch," Esposito said.
"Of course on the couch," Rick replied. Kate and Alexis exchanged a look now; that was the husband and father they knew and loved.
Javier wasn't going to balk. "That would be great, Castle. Thanks," Esposito replied.
And so, Kate and Rick returned to their bedroom, where Lily was still sleeping, leaving Alexis and Esposito alone in the living room.
As they settled themselves back in bed, Kate said, "You did a great thing out there."
"I'm adjusting," Rick replied. "Alexis is going to be with Esposito for the rest of her life. And Esposito does have his own apartment, his own razors, he's gainfully employed, and he makes her happy. He makes Alexis the kind of happy that you make me. I couldn't want anything more for her."
"Neither could I," Kate said before she and Rick kissed and settled back to sleep.
Out in the living room, Alexis had gotten a pillow, an extra sheet, and a light blanket for Javier. He had taken off his jacket and shoes and he helped Alexis make up the couch. "Are you gonna be okay upstairs?" he asked quietly. "Not that I think we should try to share the couch. I don't need Castle kicking my ass in a few hours if he finds us curled up on the couch together."
"I think I'll be okay upstairs, yeah," Alexis said. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and he wrapped his arms around her waist. "Thank you," she said.
"Anytime," Javier replied. They kissed, and then he rested his forehead against hers. "Get some sleep. I'll see you in a few hours."
"I love you, Javier," Alexis said.
"I love you too," Javier replied. Then Alexis went upstairs, stopping at the top of the stairs to blow him a kiss, and soon all was quiet once more in the Castle household, for the next couple of hours, anyway.
Lily didn't know or understand why Mommy and Daddy were so tense and anxious, but she didn't like it. They had never been like this before, so why were they like this now? Alexis and Uncle Javi had both been there for a little while, but they weren't there now. And this strange tension, the way Mommy and Daddy were so uncomfortable and couldn't sit still, unsettled Lily a great deal.
Lily was a fairly easy baby, all things considered, but the cues she was getting from her parents made her fussier than she had ever been in her life.
"It's not you, Lily," Kate said, picking up the clearly unhappy baby and cuddling her close. "Daddy and I just..." She trailed off, not wanting the negativity and the darkness of that horrible day one year ago to touch Lily. Kate was just feeling very unsettled. Even though the entire kitchen had been redone, even though she and Rick were all right, Esposito had been right, and the day itself was a trigger. On the one hand, she didn't want to be driven out of her own home, but on the other, she wasn't feeling very emotionally steady, she knew Rick well enough to know that he wasn't feeling very emotionally steady either, and Lily was picking up on their anxiety and reacting negatively to it, which made Kate feel horribly guilty.
"Let's get out of here for a while," Rick suggested suddenly. He was trying to stave off a panic attack himself, after months of being fine and not having so much as even a fleeting nightmare. "It's a nice day, weather-wise. We can take Lily for a walk. Show her the swings where we'll push her someday when she's old enough." He then wrapped his arms around Kate and Lily. Knowing Kate as well as he did, Rick added, "And it's not running away, and it's not letting him win. The fact that we're still here, and our Sweetpea is here with us, proves that we're the ones who won. But since the date is obviously triggering both of us, and Lily's picking up on that, let's get outta here for a while, okay?"
Kate leaned back into Rick's embrace, with Lily down to whimpers now, ensconced in Kate's own arms. "Yeah," Kate agreed quietly, "let's get out of here for a while." Kate was determined to be strong, but she could tell that Rick's breathing was a bit erratic, and she was none too calm herself, on top of which was the fact that this was the first time since Lily was born that being in Kate's arms didn't soothe her completely. A change of scenery could only help all of them at this point.
Rick packed the diaper bag while Kate got Lily, who was wearing tiny white leggings and a white t-shirt that said in pink and black letters "I Love Mommy + Daddy to the Moon and Back," settled in her stroller. The ride down in the elevator was silent. When they exited their building into the bright sunshine and warm breeze, Kate asked Rick, "You wanna drive?" and nodded at Lily in her stroller.
Rick was so surprised by the question, since throughout their years together, with rare exceptions (mostly to the Hamptons, or if they took the car when they went out to dinner), Kate usually drove, that the surprise took his mind off the encroaching panic attack he was fighting. "Really?" he asked, his eyes lighting up.
"Yes, really," Kate said. She made a big show of rolling her eyes, grateful to be on familiar turf. "It's not the department Crown Vic, I know, but-"
"This is so much better!" Rick exclaimed. He wrapped his hands tightly around the handle of Lily's stroller, and that was the first time either Rick or Kate was aware that Rick's hands had been shaking ever so slightly.
Kate slid one arm through one of Rick's arms as he steered Lily in her stroller, and they meandered down the sidewalk, taking in the fresh air and bright sunshine, finding calm and comfort in being anchored to one another and their daughter, and focusing on the moment instead of letting what had happened to them a year ago at this time control them.
They stopped off for coffee, getting their usuals (Kate had gotten the okay to drink coffee with caffeine in moderation while nursing Lily, since she hadn't had any troubles with moderate caffeine consumption during her pregnancy), and they were both feeling much calmer as they started off again down the sidewalk.
They had only gone four blocks when they heard someone shout, "Becks! Hey, Becks! Wait up!"
Kate and Rick both turned toward the sound of the female voice to see Madison Queller, Kate's old friend from high school, rushing toward them with a big smile on her face. "Maddie!" Kate exclaimed, surprised and pleased to be seeing her old friend again after all these years.
Kate let go of Rick's arm just in time for Madison to launch herself at Kate in a big hug, which Kate carefully returned, making certain not to spill her coffee. "You look incredible!" Madison exclaimed when she released Kate and held her at arm's length to look her up and down. Then she saw Rick, and her gaze flew to Kate's left hand, seeing Kate's wedding ring gleaming in the sunlight. "I knew it!" Madison exclaimed triumphantly. "I knew all those years ago you were hot for Castle!"
"She still is," Rick interjected then, "and the feeling is entirely mutual."
Kate just looked at Rick, but she was smiling. She couldn't very well deny what either Madison or Rick had said.
Then Madison noticed the stroller and gasped so deeply, Kate was half-afraid Madison's lungs would collapse. "You have a little Castle baby!" she exclaimed. She looked into the stroller at Lily, who regarded Madison solemnly, taking her measure, since Madison's was not a face or a voice that Lily recognized. "Oh, she's beautiful!" Madison exclaimed in a hushed voice. "And a total mini-Becks."
"Isn't she, though?" Rick asked with a proud smile.
"What's her name?" Madison asked.
"Lily," Kate replied with the maternal smile that had become such a part of her in the last nine days. "Lily Johanna Castle."
"Your mom would be nuts about her," Madison said softly. Then she addressed the baby. "Hi, Lily. You can call me Aunt Maddie, or Aunt Madison. Do I ever have some stories to tell you about your mom when you're a teenager!"
Rick leaned toward Madison interestedly. "I'd like to hear those stories myself," he said, "and I'm well past teenaged."
Madison laughed. "Nice try, Castle," she said. "You should know by now that girls have to have their secrets." She focused her attention on Kate again now. "I am so happy for you guys," Madison continued. "And I am so sorry I didn't do a better job of keeping in touch, Kate, but I'm married to my job. Q3 is still going strong, and we're finally getting ready to open a second Q3, out in Fairfield, Connecticut. I did see in the paper that you're running for City Council from Manhattan, and I believe I live in your district, so you've got my vote, and if you're looking for campaign volunteers, you can count me in."
"That would be great," Kate said. "It would give us a chance to catch up."
"I have a lot of contacts in the restaurant business, both suppliers and other restauranteurs. I'm happy to help get the word out about your campaign and your platform," Madison said. "And when you win, you can have your victory party at Q3!"
"If I win," Kate corrected.
"Who wouldn't vote for you?" Madison challenged. "Give me your phone." Kate wordlessly handed her phone over to Madison. "I'm putting my number in your contacts," Madison said as she did just that. After returning Kate's phone, she handed her own phone to Kate. "Put your number in mine," she said. "We're not losing touch again. I know we both have crazy busy lives, but tell me when and where you want me to work on your campaign, and what you want me to do, and I'll be there."
"I appreciate that, Madison, thank you," Kate said. "I'm gonna have to start getting back to work on my campaign pretty soon here, actually. The primary is on September 12."
"We could get together sometime next week, if you want," Madison offered. Then her phone binged with an incoming text. She took her phone back from Kate, who had just finished adding her number to Madison's contacts, and read the text. "Crisis at work. I have to run. But it was great seeing you again."
"You too," Kate said. The women hugged once more.
"Congratulations on everything!" Maddie said. She shook Rick's hand, cooed over Lily once more, then left in a flurry of promises to call Kate later that day.
After Madison's departure, Kate looked at Rick, who was regarding her with a smile. "What?" she asked as she pocketed her phone.
"I was just thinking about the case we worked with Madison and her restaurant years ago," he said. They resumed walking, Rick pushing Lily's stroller once more, and Kate with her arm through his, her hand resting atop one of his on the handle of the stroller. "You were hot for me back then, weren't you?" he inquired, looking at her.
She met his gaze. "I wouldn't admit it, even to myself, at that point, but yes, Rick, I was hot for you back then," Kate said. Running into Madison like that had been a delightful surprise, and the weight of the day and the horrible memories associated with this particular date were no longer sitting in the middle of Kate's chest like a boulder. Rick's body language was back to normal as well, and his hands weren't trembling as he confidently pushed Lily in her stroller, his breathing normal. "In fact," Kate said as they waited for the light to change so they could cross the street to the park with their swings, "I was falling for you then."
Rick looked at Kate, surprised. "You were?" he asked eagerly.
"I was," Kate confirmed. The light changed, and they crossed the street and reached the park and headed for their swings. "And me being me, it really threw me off balance. I tried so hard to keep it hidden, but people could see it. Madison...Jordan Shaw…Lanie… I'm sure Javi and Kevin saw it but they weren't as pushy about it as Lanie was. And that really unsettled me, because if they could see it, surely you could see it too. And I was such a mess back then."
"Not to me," Rick said earnestly. "Never to me."
"Oh, come on, Castle," Kate said. "Think back. I was a complete mess in those days. And I knew if we started anything then, it would implode spectacularly, and I couldn't take that chance. I couldn't lose you."
"I wasn't going anywhere," Rick replied. "Not permanently, anyway. You were it, and I knew it."
"I admitted I was hot for you back then. So will you admit that you hated Demming?"
"Some admission. Clearly you already know that."
"Ah, but you hated Demming because you were jealous."
"Of course I was jealous!" Rick exclaimed. "You were kissing him at the precinct, and you-"
"Couldn't make myself feel even the tiniest fraction of what I felt just looking at you walking towards me every morning," Kate replied. "I was hiding. I never felt for anyone what I feel for you, and I couldn't risk losing you permanently, so I tried to make myself make it work with Demming, and it just didn't, because he wasn't you. And Josh wasn't you. And you were, and are, the one I love. I had to get myself together enough that we had a real chance."
"Yeah, we weren't ready back then," Rick agreed.
"You knew I was falling for you back then," Kate said.
They had reached the swings by now. "I hoped you were falling for me, harder than I had ever hoped for anything in my life," Rick replied. He parked the stroller beside the swingset, reached in, unbuckled Lily, and lifted her out. Her hand instantly went to his shirt, clutching at the fabric. "I was already totally gone for you, but I knew if I pushed too hard, you'd throw me out of your life, and I couldn't let that happen." He handed Lily to Kate, and the baby looked up at her mother. Kate looked into Lily's eyes, a mirror of her own, but so wide open and curious about the world, without any of the shadows or pain that Kate had seen in her own eyes for too many years, before Rick came along.
Rick held Kate's swing for her, and she sank down carefully, holding Lily tightly. Rick then sat down on the swing next to theirs. He leaned over and kissed the top of Lily's head, inhaling her sweet baby smell, and then he kissed Kate's cheek. "I moved around a lot growing up because of Mother's career. So many schools, so many people." He looked into Kate's eyes now. "But I never felt like I belonged until I found myself sitting across the table from you in that interrogation room at the 12th and following you around on the Tisdale case. And that was because of you, Kate. You're where I belong. And your eyes are always going to be the most gorgeous eyes I've ever seen."
Kate took a deep breath. "This is an emotional day. Keep this up, and you're gonna make me cry," she warned him as she fought the tears building in her throat.
"As long as they're happy tears," he replied. "Today's a tough one, but you and Lily...you make it better. You make everything better for me."
Kate buried her face in Lily's hair, giving up the fight to keep the tears from coming. She lifted her face a moment later, and, gazing at Rick's face, said, "They're happy tears, I swear."
"Good," Rick said. He pulled out his phone. "Now," he said, and he looked at Lily, "you're too young to swing by yourself here, Sweetpea, but one day, when you're big enough, Mommy and I are gonna bring you back here and push you on one of these swings. But in the meantime..." He held up his phone now. "I think we should document your first trip to the Beckett and Castle swings for your baby book."
Kate wiped at her eyes with one hand, and the smile that bloomed on her face was beatific. "Okay, we're ready," she said.
Rick leaned sideways, holding his phone aloft, his cheek touching Kate's, and Kate had Lily turned to face the camera in Rick's phone. Rick snapped the picture, then another three in rapid succession. After he put his phone back in his pocket, he turned to Kate and said, "Even on the worst days-"
She finished the sentence in unison with him: "-there's a possibility for joy."
And when they went to bed that night, they held each other tightly, they both got up with Lily when she needed feeding or changing, and neither Kate nor Rick had any nightmares or panic attacks triggered by memories of their shooting on that date a year prior. They had made great strides in healing from that traumatic event, and although May 16 would never be their favorite day of the year, they would find it increasingly easy to get through by always making it a point to spend that day together, and to surround themselves with family and friends.
