Craig
"Can you believe it's almost next year?" Tweek's eyes were trained skyward, even though they were walking through Elven territory. Craig had noticed that, the way that in the game, Tweek had gone from being ultra-concerned about his surroundings to hardly caring about them at all. There was something appropriate about it, like someone as strong as Tweek shouldn't be worried about getting jumped. Besides, Craig was there to keep a look-out, so it was fine either way.
"It's not even Christmas yet," Craig commented, spotting two Elves between the O-mobile store and the Post Office. He didn't bother to point them out to Tweek, it wasn't like they were a threat. Drawing level with the shorter boy, Craig's eyes went back to scanning the rooftops as he asked, "Or did you just forget a holiday?"
"Rrr- I d-didn't forget!" Tweek insisted, grabbing for his thermos and taking several sips of Expresso. "I just d-don't like Christmas much." Craig looked down at the boy at that, one eyebrow hiking upward in surprise. Though he didn't have the best family, they still got together for Christmas and pretended to like each other for those two days in December. He'd always appreciated Christmas, just for that reason alone, so he couldn't imagine why someone wouldn't like the holiday.
"Why not?" he asked when Tweek just twitched under his eyes and jerked his head back around so he was watching the horizon. Spotting a lone Elven Archer on the roof of Unplanned Parenthood, Craig gave the boy a don't even think about it look as they passed. "Do you not celebrate Christmas?"
"Have you seen my house man?!" Tweek squeaked, his eyes wide. "W-we celebrate it way too much! My parents are crazy, th-they always take Christmas way too far. Ngh- I hate it!" The boy's fingers tightened around his sword hilt as he shivered and shook his head. "Besides, th-they haven't even noticed the last few years that I've –ghn- hidden in my room for Christmas."
"Oh." Staring at the snow-covered pavement in silence for a moment, Craig tried to imagine his parents letting him get away with skipping Christmas. He was pretty certain they'd force him to join the rest of the family if he tried. And Tweek just sits alone in his room on Christmas… Somehow, that felt wrong.
As they passed by the wide, empty space next to the town hall building, Tweek shivered and asked, "D-do you think we'll find the new faction?" Looking around carefully, alert for even a rustle of leaves that could signal the presence of someone else, Craig took a moment to think about the question and calculate what odds he could.
"If anyone does the finding, it'll be them finding us," Craig answered calmly, glancing behind them as he spoke, checking to be sure they weren't being followed. Met with an empty sidewalk, Craig was forced to accept that if someone was following them, they were fucking good. He wasn't worried, the two of them could handle just about anything thrown at them, but he still didn't like the feeling of walking in blind.
Tweek, on the other hand, didn't seem worried. "Good, that means w-we don't have to do anything." Glancing down at the boy sharply, Craig tilted his head, only to find the boy biting his lip to hold back a grin. Snorting and rolling his eyes, the Noirette nudged Tweek's shoulder, which only made the boy giggle softly. Doing his best to keep a serious face rather than smiling like he was tempted to do, Craig made sure he had a hand on one of his wooden knives before walking into the snowy plaza, Tweek next to him.
As they walked into the paved square before the City Hall building, Craig was struck with the horrible feeling of being exposed. They were out in the open, surrounded by excellent hiding places for anyone who might want to sneak up on them. Though Craig hadn't seen anyone on his way down, something gave him the feeling that they were being watched regardless. Maybe it was the empty looking City Hall building ahead of them, with that single dark window in the upper story that overlooked them. Or maybe it was the trees that were just a little too still, like they were holding their breath.
"Hey Tweek," Craig said softly, furrowing his brows at the ugly way his voice broke the silence.
"Y-yeah?" Tweek asked, turning to face him with a twitch.
Abruptly realizing that he hadn't thought of what to say, past I think someone is watching us, Craig found himself saying, "For Christmas, want to spend it at my house?" Though he was momentarily confused as to why that had been the first thing he thought of to say, Craig decided to stick with it. Besides, the idea of Tweek alone on Christmas was still troubling him, this seemed like a good solution.
Eyes widening in surprise, Tweek shivered and opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, but he shut it just as quickly. Why did I ask him something like that, we're in the middle of a mission. Feeling foolish and slightly awkward to boot, Craig quickly turned away and muttered, "Forget I asked." Fixing his eyes on the tree-line resolutely, Craig pushed all extraneous thoughts out of his head so he could focus on what they were supposed to be doing.
Tweek let out a soft involuntary sound, but he didn't argue, for which Craig was glad. Instead, the boy started for the City Hall building, one hand already resting on the handle of his frying pan. Craig, on the other hand, kept listening for the sound of rustling pine needles or muffled footsteps that would give away someone's presence. They're probably watching us right now. Swinging his head around sharply, as if he might catch sight of a pair of eyes if he moved quickly enough, Craig found something else that gave him pause.
"Red?" His cousin, of all people, was standing at the mouth of the town square, staring at him. The red-haired girl was definitely dressed for the weather, with the blue coat his mother had gotten the girl at the same time that she'd gotten Craig his coat on and gloves on her hands, but he still was surprised to see her there. It wasn't as if he had much occasion to talk to her, despite them both being in the same grade.
From behind Craig, Tweek let out a growl that quickly turned into a yelp of surprise. "JESUS! W-what are you doing here?" As the boy quickly ran over to Craig's side, the Noirette noticed that he'd drawn his club, no doubt assuming that Red had been an enemy at first. Deciding to follow his example, even though his cousin definitely wasn't someone they were going to be fighting, Craig drew one of his knives, hiding the motion beneath his cloak.
Crossing her arms, Red cocked her hips to one side and asked, "What are you doing here?" Resisting the urge to flip the girl off, Craig rolled his eyes and let out a sigh.
"It's a role-playing game," he told her, half expecting his cousin to roll her eyes at him and scoff. When her expression didn't change, Craig shook his head. Of course, she wouldn't understand. "Look," he attempted to explain, mildly irritated by the interruption. "We're kind of in the middle of a mission that has to do with this new faction, just leave us alone."
"Yeah!" Tweek agreed, practically vibrating beside Craig. "Th-this is a boy's game!" Fuck, if there was anyone here they're probably long gone by now, the Noirette realized, already tired of talking to Red. There goes any chance of us getting anything done today...
Craig was about to just turn around and ignore Red entirely because this was really wasting time, when suddenly the girl said, "That's what I thought." Before Craig could even begin to figure out what that meant, there were the sounds of swords being drawn behind them. "I'm sorry you two, but you just messed with the wrong faction."
It was instincts that kept Craig alive at that moment, that was all. Without even giving his mind time to catch up, Craig drew both knives before ducking and rolling, avoiding the three arrows that had been launched at him. Unsure what was going on, Craig leaped to his feet to find Jenny Simons and Annie Knitts, of all people, were behind him. Swearing as Annie swung a bejeweled sword at his face, Craig just barely managed to counter the strike with the edge of one of his own knives.
"W-what are you doing!?" From the other side of the plaza, Tweek was trying to fend off Red, who had somehow gotten her hands on a sword of her own, while two other girls fired arrows at him. "GRR- W-what's going on?!" He wasn't doing anything to attack Red, but Craig didn't blame him. What the hell is going on? The girls aren't part of the game!
"What does it look like?" Heidi Turner exclaimed, abandoning her bow in favor of the short sword hanging from her belt and the flowery shield strapped to her arm. "We're attacking you, idiot!" Cursing again, more loudly this time, Craig feinted to the right before ducking left and catching Heidi's sword, which would have caught Tweek across the back. He kept seeing openings to attack and not just defend, but he kept passing them up because these are girls, they're not even supposed to be playing!
Finding himself being forced away from Tweek by Annie, who had a killer intent in her eyes, Craig could do nothing but watch as Jenny's spear hit Tweek in the ribs, probably leaving him a bruise but definitely taking away hit points. Using his distraction to her advantage, Heidi slammed the flat of her blade across the Noirette's chest, knocking him back a few paces. Gritting his teeth, Craig swung his blades in tandem, managing to land a hit on the girl.
Instantly feeling dirty because damnit you aren't supposed to hit girls, Craig almost ended up getting his head taken off by Annie, who'd come up on his other side. Cornered, Craig was forced to return to defending as he managed to exclaim, "But you're girls!" As if this were the wrong answer, Heidi let out a growl and delivered several quick hits that he only just managed to counter.
"Since when does that matter!" Esther asked, training her bow on Craig instead of Tweek. The glittering arrow caught him on the shoulder, making him curse under his breath. "We can fight just like you can!"
"B-but why were you attacking the Humans?!" Tweek yelped out, knocking another arrow out of the air with his frying pan. "We n-never did anything to you!" Though he was holding himself together better than he might have if this had happened a few weeks ago, it was clear that fighting girls was making him panic.
"Because your leader is a total misogynist!" Red growled, her words earning her cries of agreement from her fellow warriors. "And because it's not fair that the boys get to play and we don't!" Her sword connected with Tweek's frying pan with a clang. "So now, you're going to pay!"
"We just came to talk," Craig insisted, even as he ducked around Annie and landed a critical hit on the back of her neck. Wincing as the skin instantly flared and angry red, Craig avoided Heidi as he continued, "We're fucking losing and it's your fault!" The last word was punctuated by a swing at the girl closest to him, which she blocked with an answering growl.
"Then maybe you shouldn't have sided with Cartman!" Annie exclaimed, even as she traded blows with Craig. Aware that they weren't going to be able to keep this up forever, Craig attempted to get back to Tweek, only to be cut off by Heidi. "He's an asshole and anyone who follows him is just as bad!"
"We just w-want to –ghn- TALK!" Tweek all but shrieked. There followed a cracking sound as Jenny's spear broke in half. Frustration welling up in his chest, Craig tried to push aside his reservations about fighting at his best and flew at the two girls he was facing with twice the force as before. Feinting to the side, Craig dragged one of his serrated blades across Heidi's ribs, only to feel Annie's sword slamming into his elbow.
"We don't talk to boys," Heidi growled, shoving Craig backward with her shield. It didn't seem to matter that she was hardly any taller than Tweek, she made up for every inch with an almost demonic power. As the air left his lungs in a whoosh, Craig stumbled upright, only just defending his face from Annie's blade.
"You talked to Philip!" Craig's words brought a look of surprise to Annie's face that was mirrored by Heidi. Exchanging a quick look, Heidi suddenly got in the way of Craig's blades, allowing Annie to pull back for a moment. Seeing the girl get out her phone, Craig grit his teeth in frustration and insisted, "We fucking did, and he said you bargained with the Elves and with the Bard!"
Looking up from her phone, Annie announced, "She says take the tall one!" Before Craig could ask what that was supposed to mean, Heidi got in his face and forced him to back up with several slashes of her sword. As Annie rejoined the fight, Craig could only do his best to defend himself as both girls landed hit after hit, quickly draining his health.
"NGH- TAKE CRAIG WHERE!?" Tweek demanded, though his hands were full trying to deal with the three girls surrounding him. "W-WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH HIM!?" He had his short sword drawn as well now and was swinging it along with his frying pan, managing to keep Esther, Red, and Jenny from killing him, but not doing much damage. Shit, we're losing!
"It's none of your business, Human scum," Heidi growled. With a final strike, the girl caught Craig across the cheek with her sparkling blade, knocking him to the ground with the help of Annie, who dragged down on the back of his cloak at the same time. He didn't even need to be told to know that they'd just knocked him out, Tweek's scream was plenty. As he fell, he watched the boy attempt to push through the girls to get to him, only to be shoved back by Red.
"Hold the Barbarian down!" Annie called to the other girls, pulling something out of her pocket. When Craig saw the strip of cloth, he tried to struggle away, only to have Heidi plant a foot on his chest and Annie hiss, "You're unconscious, so you had better act like it." Gritting his teeth, Craig managed to get a hand up so he could flip her off, even as she roughly tied the cloth around his eyes, blindfolding him.
Now blinded, Craig could only stumble as Annie and Heidi yanked him upright and started dragging him away. From somewhere to his left, he heard Tweek's cry of, "RRR- CRAIG!" but he couldn't answer, not without incurring the girls' wrath once more. Gritting his teeth against Tweek's incensed and terrified noises, Craig let Annie and Heidi haul him out of the plaza, having no way of knowing where they were taking him.
There was the sound of a car door opening from somewhere to his right, which was accompanied by Annie saying, "If you could just not fight us, that would be great." Moving his head in the direction of her voice, Craig pulled his mouth down in a scowl, but still let them push him into the vehicle. He wasn't exactly sure what else he was supposed to do, it wasn't like the Humans or the Elves took captives, they usually just incapacitated enemies.
As the girls got into the car with him, an older girl's voice from the front seat said, "Another one of these kids? Jesus, what do you girls do to them?" Both Heidi and Annie giggled, as if this were the funniest thing they'd ever heard. Craig kind of wanted to run now while he still had a chance of getting away, but he knew the game rules as well as anyone else who played the game so he just sat back in his seat and let them strap a seatbelt over his lap.
"Come on, it's just a game!" Heidi said brightly from Craig's left. "You know where to take us~" There was the sound of the engine starting, then they were moving. Though he wasn't supposed to, Craig couldn't help but turn his head in the direction he knew the City Hall was, wishing as he did so that he could see Tweek. Fuck, he's probably going crazy. Fuck fuck fuck-
On his right, he heard Annie say brightly, "Yes! Yes, we do have him. He's behaving wonderfully." She paused, and Craig realized that she was talking on the phone. "I know it's not the best, but he knew about us." Whatever the girl on the other end said, Annie made a sound of agreement in the back of her throat. "Well, you're the one who originally let the Elves know about us so you should have assumed something like this would happen."
Clenching his hands under his cloak, Craig struggled to relax as he fingered the butter knife he had stitched into the pocket of his pants. He was technically unconscious right now, but that didn't mean he wouldn't fight back if they started to do anything weird. To be honest, he wasn't sure what kind of weird things they'd even do, but he was willing to say that kidnapping was one of them. See, this is why we don't let girls play…
There was a sigh from Annie. "Come on, you know that's because-" She cut herself off with a sympathetic cooing noise. "No no no, sweetheart, I know, I know you just broke up with him. I know it hurts. It's okay, I didn't mean it like that."
From Craig's other side, Heidi scoffed softly and muttered, "She always breaks up with him, she'll be back together with him in a few days. It's so stupid." Though he wasn't allowed to talk, Craig wanted to agree that, yes, everything about this situation was stupid, especially the part where they'd only taken him and not Tweek, but he was pretty sure talking was still off limits.
"No, Red, Jenny, and Esther are still back at the square," Annie said, her tone not exactly irritated, but definitely disgruntled. "It took all of them to hold Tweek back." A pause. "That's what I thought!" At the mention of the blond, Craig grit his teeth together hard enough that he could hear them creak. Without Tweek's presence at his side, Craig felt weird, almost naked somehow. He was used to the silence being filled with those soft little sounds the blond made and without that constant energy next to him, it was like going deaf.
"Alright, we'll discuss it when we get there!" Annie announced happily. "Sunshine sparkle!" There was a rustling, then the girl said, "We should be there in a moment. Sorry about the blindfold, we don't want boys knowing how to find us."
"Yeah, because boys suck," Heidi agreed.
"But we'll heal you when we get there, so that you can talk and stuff," Annie finished brightly. "Because we aren't barbarians." No, because at least Barbarians have class…
Sitting there, unable to talk, Craig simply smoothed his face out to his most neutral expression and faced straight ahead. The least they could have done is bring Tweek with us. Without him, Craig was currently looking at having to talk to the girls alone and he was pretty sure that was going to end… well, badly to say the least. If he was lucky, he wouldn't fuck up anything too horribly. You see, this is why they shouldn't have sent us. At least Token would have known what to do. Or Kenny! He's been pretending to be a girl for a while, isn't he more qualified? But they couldn't have known who the threat was and besides, the Humans didn't have people to spare.
At least he didn't have to sit there in silence for long. Almost too soon, the car was stopping and Craig was being hustled out of the car. As the girls hurried him into a building, he heard lots of greetings and even more sounds of disgust. He didn't blame the girls, he didn't want to be here with them any more than they wanted him around. Most girls were just sort of annoying and weird, he would have picked Tweek over all of them any day. Token and Clyde too, but he was having trouble not thinking about the spastic blond at that moment.
"He needs to be healed!" a voice called from somewhere behind him.
A moment later, someone gingerly touched his arm before saying, "There, I guess. I still can't believe we have to bring them here."
"It's not our fault," Heidi said defensively. "We were told to."
Through another door he was pushed, then finally Annie pulled him down and quickly removed his blindfold. The first thing Craig registered was pink. Everywhere. The next thing he picked up on was the sheer number of girls in front of him, all arranged behind separate desks. Some of them were decked out in winter appropriate clothes; others had color coordinated armor on. From what he could see, every one of them had some sort of weapon on their person. Blinking to get his eyes readjusted to the light, Craig slowly looked up at the front of the room, where something like a judge's podium had been erected.
Wendy was in full battle gear. A spear was strapped to her back and a flowery shield hung in front of her desk, all of it in matching shades of purple. Below her were two more girls, each with notebooks in front of them. He vaguely recognized them as kids from his grade, but he'd never had occasion to interact with any of them. That being said, the looks of silent displeasure they were giving him were sharp enough to cut glass.
From her throne, Wendy sharply said, "The Three-hundredth and Eighty-First meeting of the girls is hereby called to order. Sunshine sunshine!"
"Sparkle!" chorused the other girls in the room, including Annie and Heidi. Looking about, Craig did the first thing that came to mind and flipped them all off.
"Sunshine sparkle," called the girl below and to the right of Wendy. "Annie Knitts has the floor."
Stepping forward, her short curly hair bobbing with her, Annie brightly said, "If it pleases and sparkles, I've brought the Human warrior, Craig, that you requested to see~" Several of the girls let out groans, but the sound of Wendy smacking the table with her mallet quickly brought them to order. Undeterred by the negative reaction to her words, Annie continued, "We knew we'd have to deal with them eventually Wendy, you can't just ignore them forever."
Frowning, Wendy turned towards Bebe, who was sitting to her right. "Bebe, come on, you're the one who's in charge of dealing with the Humans. I thought they were under control!"
"Sunshine sparkle, Bebe Stevens has the floor!"
Clearing her throat, tall girl tossed her long blond hair over her shoulder before saying, "If it pleases and sparkles, the Humans were under control. This is the first I've heard of them having knowledge of our operations!" Crossing her arms, Bebe let out a quick, calming sigh before turning to look at Craig and saying, "Nothing against you Craig, but you weren't supposed to find out about us."
The other girl under Wendy suddenly called out, "Red just set a message! They say that the other Human has been dealt with and they're headed back now!" Craig's blood ran cold at that, thoughts of Tweek lying bruised and battered in front of City Hall flashing through his mind.
"What did you do to Tweek?" he demanded, his usually even tone louder than usual. If they hurt him for real… Craig wasn't sure what he'd do but he was getting pissed just thinking about it. Ever since finding out that Tweek saw the game as real, and not just pretend, Craig had been more aware of how game injuries translated in his mind. The idea of Tweek freaking out at the sight of his own blood and passing out was enough to put him on all sorts of edges.
Exchanging looks with several of the other girls, Wendy finally said, "He'll be fine. You should be more worried about yourself." Like I give a shit about myself. Fuck this, why did they send me on the mission of peace? "What did you come find us for?"
"Fuck. That." Craig said, his voice as flat and seemingly calm as ever even if his insides weren't. "What the fuck do you mean by you dealt with him?"
Letting out a sigh that seemed to be directed at Wendy, Bebe fixed Craig with one of those calming smiles that all girls seemed to practice, and said, "It probably means they escaped him without him following them." Waiting for a moment for the information to sink in, the girl continued, "It's okay Craig, we girls don't like to resort to violence in cases like this."
"It sure as shit didn't stop Red from attacking me," Craig pointed out, crossing his arms and furrowing his brows. "We're the ones who came for peace, you're the ones who've been fucking shooting at us when we're already injured and beaten. I don't know what shit you think non-violence is but this isn't fucking it." Having exhausted the anger that the situation had built up in his system, Craig fell silent and just stood there, unmovable in his irritation.
After staring at him for a moment in awe-inspired silence, the girls broke out into a bout of murmuring as they all talked about what he'd just said. Standing there among them, Craig waited until, inevitably, Wendy banged her gavel on the desk and said, "Okay okay! I know that this isn't glittery, but we don't like the Humans, remember?"
"If it pleases and sparkles, Craig does have a point," Millie piped up, her short pigtails bouncing along with her movements. "We've let the Elves and the Bard get away with not getting attacked, besides, do we really want to keep playing this game for forever? I vote we listen to him."
"I think so too!" Annie agreed from beside Craig. "He didn't even want to hit us when we were fighting, I don't think the Humans are as bad as you're making them out to be Wendy." Heidi nodded as well, which surprised Craig because the girl had been vicious when fighting him.
"Come on, Wendy," Bebe insisted, looking to the leader plaintively. "I mean you don't even have to talk to Cartman. Craig's not all that bad, at least he isn't a lying two-faced bitch like some people I could name." Her words were met with a chorus of agreement as all the other girls no doubt thought about the person that Bebe was talking about and agreed that Craig was nothing like her. For not the first time in his life, Craig was struck by the thought that girls were vicious.
"I guess you're right about that," Wendy admitted, looking to the side in irritation.
"Sunshine sparkle, the motion to hear Craig out passes!"
Crossing her arms, clearly still annoyed, Wendy said, "Fine, you've got five minutes Craig Tucker. Convince me, why should we, the girls, listen to the Humans about anything?" As one, all eyes in the room turned towards him.
Among the many other things that crossed his mind, Craig took that moment to think, Well shit…
