Craig

Craig had not signed up for this. No, there was nothing that could have prepared him for this. Not even Kenny's numerous lectures on manners and proper diplomatic procedures, and they had been plenty. In fact, the whole situation hadn't even really computed in his mind even when Tweek had been hovering over him, screaming about how his hair was a tangled mess and did he even take his hat off? JESUS!

Nope, it wasn't until the moment that he walked in through the doors of City Wok that he finally realized what his life had become.

Breezing past him, Wendy beside him so he could chat with her happily, Kenny turned to Token and said, "The Castle is looking a little run-down these days, wouldn't you say? If only the Elves stopped attacking us for long enough to neaten it all up. I'm holding out for curtains but I fear it's a losing battle."

"Our fortifications are clearly superior," Wendy said, crossing her arms and lifting her chin as if this was something to be proud over. "But we have an unfair advantage." Rolling his eyes, walking through the door that was being held open by Scott Malkinson, Craig looked down at Tweek, who looked funny without his usual weaponry adorning his person. Seeing as this was peace they were discussing, it had been wisely recommended that they leave most of the heavy weaponry back at Kupa Keep and the girls' layer respectively. It also might have had something to do with the fact that they would be sitting in a restaurant and not outside somewhere.

As Token went up to the counter to tell the proprietor of City Wok that, indeed, this was his reservation and that, no, they didn't particularly want food but water would be fine, Craig hung back so he could stand next to Tweek. Unfortunately, the blond had not made the cut to sit at the negotiation tables. Craig was, apparently, required to participate, but Tweek had been allowed to escape it, no matter how much the Noirette insisted that the shorter boy would be an asset as opposed to a detriment. Kenny just hadn't been about to budge on the matter.

Reaching up for his chullo, only to belatedly remember that he hadn't been permitted to wear it, Craig tugged at a piece of his combed hair and looked down at Tweek, who was currently wearing the same hat he'd just been looking for. It looked funny, with that blond mane exploding out around the sides of it like you'd tried to contain a bomb and failed miserably. The sight made him feel slightly better. Nudging Tweek to get his attention, Craig asked, "So, what do you think about this?"

Shivering, Tweek shook his head fervently, his eyes wide and wild. "Jesus man, w-why are we making alliances with people who just drag people away?!" He said it quietly, probably because he didn't want any of the girls still streaming through the doors of the restaurant to hear. Just as the Humans had all turned out for this historic event, so had all the girls shown up to listen in on their leader's decisions. Craig didn't see what the big fucking deal was, but then, he still didn't understand why the girls seemed to like him so much so was that any real surprise?

"Because we don't want to get dragged away anymore?" Craig suggested, wishing he could ruffle Tweek's hair but unwilling to remove his hat from the boy's head. If it was going to be anywhere, he would rather it be with Tweek than with someone else, anyway. "I don't know, the girls are fucking weird dude." His assertion was only further backed up by the sight of two girls looking at the two of them and then hurriedly whispering something to each other before giggling.

As Clyde and Bebe walked by, both of them talking happily, Tweek let out a, "Rrr-" before squeaking, "I think Clyde understands them!" Craig wasn't too sure about that either, but he supposed that if Clyde had to talk to any girl, Bebe at least was pretty nice most of the time. She didn't seem as crazy as Wendy, or as sharp as Red. That being said, he still didn't understand one thing about them. Even his sister was a mystery. Apparently, though, that sort of knowledge came with age, if Kenny was to be believed.

Letting out a breath as Tweek bumped up against him, Craig watched as some of the Humans tugged tables this way and that as they arranged everything. Not particularly wanting to help, Craig just sat back and observed, content to stand next to the shivering blond and not get involved any sooner than he needed to. As they watched, Butters brought both Wendy and Kenny cups of water, to which Wendy thanked him and Kenny let out a squeal as he hugged the boy happily. Rolling his eyes, Craig looked back down at Tweek, who was watching the scene with a nervous expression.

"It's not that bad," Craig said casually, in an attempt to be encouraging, even though he wasn't entirely sure what Tweek was worried about. "At least Cartman isn't in charge of the peace talks."

Shaking harder, Tweek tossed his head about, as if he were trying to dislodge the thought from his mind. Tugging on the flaps of Craig's chullo till he'd almost entirely pulled the hat over his eyes, Tweek softly screamed, "JESUS MAN, NO WAY!" Craig snorted at the blonde's reaction, and carefully pulled up his hat so he could see Tweek's terrified eyes. Sucking in his cheeks, Craig smiled slightly, unable to help himself.

"It's fine, Token's got it. He knows what the fuck he's doing, even if no one else does." Nodding at that, probably calming down at the thought of the black boy taking care of everything, as usual, Tweek twitched and leaned against Craig, his sudden change in posture inexplicable to the taller boy. Nevertheless, Craig didn't argue, he just let Tweek take several deep breaths, playing with the escaping strands of blond hair as he did.

"Yeah, p-probably," Tweek agreed, not sounding entirely convinced yet definitely sounding a lot less nervous. Puffing out a breath of air, the boy twitched and added, "I'm just –ngh- worried about what Princess Kenny is gonna do! Oh god, what if he d-does something crazy? I don't get him at all, man! He d-doesn't make sense." Agreeing with Tweek in his head, Craig just kept fluffing the boy's hair, finding the action almost as calming to perform as it seemed to be for Tweek to feel.

"He won't do anything too crazy," Craig reassured the boy, looking into Tweek's eyes when the blond straightened and stared up at him as he bit his lip. "I mean, he's fucking nuts, but he's got the rest of us to think about." Even though this didn't do much to convince either of them of Kenny's intentions, Craig decided to leave well enough alone. He really didn't need to be worrying about something like that. Anyway, Token would be there. That was insurance enough, he was pretty sure.

Looking over at said people, Craig happened to catch their eye and was no surprised when Kenny beckoned him over with a dainty hand. "Oh Feldspar~ We need you over here, you know what's happening, I'm sure." Scowling at the irritating Princess, Craig forced his features to smooth out when they moved on to Wendy, whose arms were crossed while a rather unimpressed expression adorned her features. "Be a dear and let Tweek go back to being his usual scary barbarian self!"

Rolling his eyes again for what felt like the millionth time that day, Craig gave Tweek one last reassuring look before striding over to where Kenny was standing with several other girls, Butters and Token. "Wonderful, I think we're just about ready to start." Looking to Wendy, who gave Kenny a nod, the Princess clapped his hands together and said, "Oh, this whole thing is just so wonderful. Look at our sides, all working together. Sort of." The last bit was tacked on as they looked around and realized how split their two groups were.

"Well, at least we tried," reasoned Annie, who'd lost her sword in place of a new sparkling cape and done-up hair. "I can't really blame them, it's a little jarring trying to talk to boys." Kenny nodded wisely, which would have been irritating if Craig was in the mood to get irritated about something so petty. Instead, he let it roll off of him, his eyes naturally gravitating towards Tweek, who'd managed to find several Humans that he knew relatively alright.

Well, I suppose Terry and Jesse aren't all that bad…

"I suppose we might as well- hang on, where is Bebe?" Putting her hands on her hips, Wendy looked around only to find Bebe and Clyde still talking, both of their faces alight. Rolling her eyes and scoffing, as if seeing her friend happy was merely an annoyance instead of something to be glad about, Wendy clicked her tongue and called, "Bebe! We are about to start, stop talking to that Human and get over here."

Looking over to Wendy with wide eyes, Bebe quickly turned back to Clyde and no doubt apologized before hurrying over to her leader's side. "Sunshine sparkle," she said quickly as if this was some sort of apology in girl speak. "I was just… Getting to know the Humans a little better, you know? For better communications between our two sides and stuff."

"They're Humans, you don't need to get to know them," Wendy chastised before making sure that her other officers were with her. "Now we can start."

Gesturing at the table that had been set out in the middle of the room, Kenny trilled, "Then let us take our seats!" As he floated over to the table, Butters hurried ahead of him and pulled out his chair, grinning from ear to ear as he did, like this was the best thing ever. Kenny, naturally, blew the boy a kiss before shooing him away to one of the Human tables. Though Craig would have rather just sat down as well, he did as Kenny had instructed him to by going around the table and pulling out the chairs for the other girls, as if they were incapable children instead of warriors. Something about manners, probably. He didn't understand it, but then, he didn't understand Kenny or girls, so again, it made sense.

As he was finally permitted to sit down on Kenny's right, Craig looked over at Token, only to find the boy calmly watching Wendy and the other girls like he was studying a map or something. Giving up, Craig just sat back in his seat and attempted not to slouch, as Kenny had explicitly commanded. Looking at the single wine glass in the middle of the table and at the spoon that had been placed next to it, Kenny cleared his throat daintily and picked the utensil up so he could clink it against the empty glass. "Attention all!" he called out, his voice bright and airy. "The official peace talks between the Humans and Valkyries has now begun."

From her side of the table, Wendy called, "Sunshine sunshine."

"Sparkle!" all the other girls answered, in unison.

Pulling out a notebook from under his cape, Token flipped it open before saying, "So, as previously discussed, this meeting has been set to discuss the terms that the alliance between the Humans and the Valkyries is to contain. Of course, the requests the Humans have are simple." Tapping the pencil that he'd pulled out of his pocket against the paper, Token read out, "No more attacking our soldiers if we are not in a specified conflict. That means no more shooting at us when we're injured or helping the Elves, however indirectly."

"We should be able to help whoever we want," Red quickly argued, crossing her arms and sticking out her bottom lip. "If we're still going to be playing this game, we should get to follow the same rules that the rest of you do!" Annie nodded in agreement, but Wendy just stared over Kenny's head at the table behind them. Quickly turning to see who it was, Craig, predictably, found Cartman glaring at the girl. We're never going to get anything done…

"That's very fair," Kenny agreed, nodding along with what Red was saying. "But on the flip side, we've been very careful to keep both of our teams about as even as possible. If the Valkyries join the Elves, then we lose automatically. There's no possible way for us to stand up to both of you at the same time, and that just isn't fair." Red sighed and rolled her eyes, but it was clear she understood what was being said.

"Currently though," Wendy said, finally looking away from Cartman so she could focus on Kenny. "We have been acting as a separate faction with separate goals. I'm not sure what else we can do."

"Maybe stop sniping us off from the fucking trees?" Craig suggested, ignoring Kenny's lady-like gasp of indigence. "That would be a good start." Unexpectedly, Wendy nodded at this and Bebe's eyes lit up with agreement.

"Craig- er- Feldspar is right," Bebe agreed. "I mean if we're going to make an alliance, that kind of means we shouldn't be attacking them anymore. Plus, I don't mean to be un-glittery or anything, but we don't attack the Elves at all. That's a little unfair, especially because I keep telling you that several of our girls have gotten mocked by Elves for trying to play at all." Annie nodded at that, and several of the onlooking girls made sounds of agreement. "The humans have actually been pretty okay so far, except for the Grand Wizard."

Frowning, clearly disgruntled, Wendy pointed out, "Well Bebe, you're the one who likes the Humans way too much so I'm not sure if you're in any place to be saying anything." Huffing, the girl looked to the side and muttered, "That being said, I agree that the preferential treatment needs to stop. I really do think this alliance would be best for all of us. The girls are getting tired of this game after all."

"That's entirely understandable," Kenny cooed, putting out a hand as if to pat Wendy's arm, even though he didn't get anywhere close to touching her. "You know these men, they can be very stubborn. But I suppose that's why the Elves and the Humans still haven't managed to get along and we've had years to attempt to do so." Several girls tittered at this, which seemed to be what Kenny was going for because he smiled slightly, clearly pleased.

Tapping his notebook, effectively returning them to their conversation, Token said, "So, for the Humans, what we have is that you will, with this treaty, call an official cease-fire between us and your Valkyries. After this, any open act of hostility towards us would be counted as an act of war and we would officially be in conflict with your people after that."

Nodding, Red said, "That sounds fair, what do you think Wendy?"

"Well, I suppose it makes sense," Wendy agreed.

"Now, for your wishes!~" Kenny said perkily, clapping his daintily gloved hands together in delight. "I'm sure you want something from us other than money, as you seem to not want any money that's been given to you by the Grand Wizard."

"Yes, yes we do."

Bored, Craig let his attention drift again. Everyone was listening, the tables around them filled with kids that were all staring intently at their table as if it held all the answers to life on it. If teachers could get kids to pay attention like this, we wouldn't need to spend most of the year in school. Twisting his head slightly, Craig found Tweek staring at him, eyes wide and white-knuckled hands clenched around the back of his chair. Giving his head a slight tilt, Craig raised his eyebrows slightly before blinking slowly.

Whatever this communicated to the boy, it did its job. With a twitch, Tweek's hands loosened around the chair back and his shaking became a little less pronounced. Even though he wished he could be sitting next to the boy, Craig forced himself to be satisfied with this much so that he could turn around and attempt to pay attention to the conversation once more.

"-And trust us, we've asked the Elves, but they refuse point-blank to go with it." Crossing her arms, Annie commented, "It's infuriating, that's what."

Nodding, looking a little tired, Bebe said, "I have to admit, I thought they'd be a little nicer than this. But they're just so rigid about the whole thing." Sighing, the girl looked to the side and continued, "I guess I sort of get why, but it seems like such a small thing, you know? And they just keep telling us to shut up about it just because they're paying us not to attack them."

"I for one, am sick of the balance at our school being upset," Wendy agreed, looking a lot more cross about the whole thing. "You are all so irritating. I could scream, I swear."

"I know Honey, I know we are," Kenny agreed, nodding sagely as gave Wendy a sympathetic expression. "I promise, we'll do everything we can." Feeling more than a little out of the loop, Craig looked over at Token, who helpfully decided to read back what had been said at that moment. Heh, he probably knows I wasn't paying attention.

"So, in return for their halt to these attacks, the girls want two things: For the Humans to not make any more sexist and derogatory remarks about them playing through the Carrier Ravens."

"You know it's just the Grand Wizard," Red put in, her chin in the air. "We're not blaming all of you, we just want it to stop."

Nodding, Token continued, "And also for the school to be declared a game-free zone. Officially."

Eyes widening at that, Craig leaned forward and said, "You do realize for that to happen we'd need to take back the Stick? It's the only object with the power to allow us to make a game-changing decision like that." Frowning at the girls, who all looked rather set on the idea, Craig let out a puff of air before leaning back and muttering, "Don't mind me, I guess we'll just have to magically get the Stick back then, won't we?"

"Yes, you will," Annie supplied. "Don't worry, we'll give you until, like, march first or something."

"That makes it all so much better," Craig said flatly, his expression a perfect deadpan.

"All that aside," Kenny said pointedly, smiling at the girls. "Those are the demands, correct?" When the girls grudgingly nodded, he smiled and took the piece of paper Token offered him, complete with the pencil he'd been using. "Then I guess we can sign on the treaty then!"

"Hang on," Wendy said, holding up a hand. "This is all very well and good but what if one of your Humans decides to go and break the rules of this? What then? I don't have any faith in you people, what's to say you won't just ignore this entirely?"

Eyes lighting up in a practically evil way, Kenny smiled brightly and said, "Oh Wendy, you really are much smarter than anyone in this room could ever fully appreciate." Planting his elbows on the table so he could lean on his hands and bat his eyelashes at the girls, Kenny continued, "You bring up an excellent point, one that I was thinking of myself, to be honest. I do agree that it might be of some concern, you know, us breaking the agreement. We all want something a little more concrete to be proof of our alliance past a little piece of paper. And I'm sure there are ways to have something like that, ways that would be beneficial to both sides!"

Raising an eyebrow, Annie asked, "Do you have something in mind, Lady McCormick?"

Smiling perfectly, as though he was an innocent Princess instead of the boy that Craig knew he could be, Kenny said, "Well, I'll admit, I have come up with at least one solution that would perfectly solve all of these problems and provide a lasting sign that we are entirely one when it comes to this decision."

"What is it?" Token asked curiously, even though Craig wanted to signal him to for-the-love-of-god not encourage Kenny. "I thought the treaty would be plenty."

"Well, it's pretty good," Kenny agreed, still watching Wendy. "But I decided to take some inspiration from real people of this time period. You see, often times, when people were making an alliance of some sort, they were dealing with many people that couldn't quite comprehend what some words on a piece of paper meant. If you don't mind me saying Wendy, the Humans are less than skilled and quite grasping the nuances of situations."

"Exactly my worry," Wendy agreed, nodding. "So what's your plan."

As if his words were the most excellent and wonderful idea in the world, Kenny announced, "I suggest a marriage of a Valkyrie and a Human to truly symbolize our groups' commitments to maintain peace!"

Staring at Kenny as if the boy had lost his goddamn mind, Craig was about to ask what the hell that was supposed to mean when Red interjected, "Actually, that makes a lot of sense. If one person from our side dated a Human from your side, then we'd all have a good reason not to attack one another."

Looking around the table, waiting for the other shoe to drop and someone to say this was a horrible idea, Craig was stunned to find even Token nodding along, contemplatively looking at the ceiling. "I have to admit, that's actually pretty ingenious Kenny."

"Of course it is!" Kenny burbled, grinning from ear to fucking ear. "Naturally, it couldn't be just two random people and it couldn't be the leaders either." Looking to Wendy meaningfully, Kenny said, "That means no one is suggesting that any one of your beautiful warriors would have to date the Grand Wizard. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But it would mean that one of your more respected officials would date one of our more important warriors."

Craig felt something in his stomach flop uncomfortably as Kenny slyly looked at him out of the corner of his eye. "In fact, I'd say that Feldspar here would make the prime candidate for this peace couple. That is if none of your warriors object to him." From behind him, Craig could hear the muffled scream of Tweek and he quite agreed because what the hell?

"No, we don't," Wendy said, looking over Craig, who was staring at Kenny as the words the boy had just said sunk in. I have to date one of the girls… Wait, I have to fucking go out with one of these people!? WHAT THE FUCK! "And besides, this has nothing to do with love or anything as it is purely an arranged marriage. It wasn't as if things like this back then were done with love in mind."

"Exactly," Kenny agreed, looking over at Craig with that smile on his face like he was so fucking pleased with himself. Craig meanwhile was trying to think of a way out of this and failing. "It would be better for us all."

"Well then," Wendy said, a smile crossing her face as well. "Bebe, as the leader of the Human division of the Valkyries, I suppose it's your job here to support your sunshine sisters and marry Feldspar, for the sake of peace between our two sides." Blinking, clearly taken aback by this as well, Bebe looked at Craig, who could only give her a flat expression instead of what he wanted to do which was say something about how if they wanted to do this at all then they might as well pick Clyde because at least he'd be happy about it.

Nervously, Bebe said, "I- I guess so."

"Wonderful!" Both Kenny and Wendy said in unison. Picking up the pencil, Wendy scrawled her signature on the bottom of the document in front of her before saying, "I suppose we'll be in touch to plan the wedding."

"Yes, I suppose we will," Kenny agreed brightly. "I hereby call this meeting of peace to be disbanded."

"Sunshine sunshine!"

"Sparkle!"

But all Craig could think was Fuck.