Craig
"Jesus, how do you even…"
"Come on Craig, it's a braid, don't tell me you've never done one of these."
"Um… No?"
To be honest, Craig would have rather been spending these moments before they left for Stark's pond doing anything else. The first thing that came to mind was hanging out with Tweek, mostly so he could calm the boy down while he was no doubt psyching himself out for a fight that wasn't going to be that bad. But instead, he was here, braiding (or at least attempting to braid) Bebe's hair because Kenny had insisted that's what a good boyfriend did.
Craig had been dating Bebe for a month and he still didn't know shit about being a good boyfriend. So now Clyde was probably helping Tweek with his war paint and Craig was stuck in here with Bebe. To be fair to the girl, she wasn't that bad. It had taken a month, but eventually, he'd gradually accepted that she was pretty chill, but at the same time, that didn't mean he wanted to be there…
"Look, it's not that hard," Bebe insisted, reaching around behind her head and messily showing Craig how to braid her hair. "It's just folding the hair over itself in an alternating pattern. I just need my hair out of my face if I'm going to fight." It had been Wendy's idea, apparently, that she fight with them this time. Something about a show of solidarity with her 'husband'. Naturally, Kenny had made a show of it, but in the end, Craig supposed that as long as she was good at what she did, he wasn't going to complain. Besides, it wasn't like she'd be dead weight, or worse, his problem. She'd be able to handle herself, and Craig would be able to fight with Tweek.
Taking her hair out of her hands, Craig puffed out a breath before quickly braiding the girl's hair, messily, but effectively. He really wasn't much for fashion, but he supposed it looked alright. Clyde could have probably given a better answer. Thankfully, Bebe didn't ask how it looked, she just pulled it around and clucked her tongue before tossing it back over her shoulder. As she looked over her quiver full arrows, no don't checking them to make sure they weren't broken, the girl asked, "So, how was Tweek last night? He seemed a little nervous about the plan."
"He's fine," Craig told the girl, putting his hand on his knives before glancing at himself in the mirror that Bebe was looking in. Tugging down his chullo, the boy muttered, "He was up most of the night telling me about how we were more likely to have a zombie apocalypse than a robot invasion." Smiling slightly at the ground as he remembered Tweek's wide, insistent eyes as he babbled on about how important it was to think about those kinds of things, Craig almost didn't catch the raised eyebrows and the smile Bebe was giving him. "What?" he asked flatly, his smile melting back into a deadpan at once.
Giggling, Bebe said, "It's nothing, I promise." Shaking his head, unwilling to argue with her, Craig glanced out of the tent at the bustle around them. There were humans everywhere practicing, getting ready, and just generally making themselves useful. Apparently, most of the kids were already down at Stark's pond, quickly learning the basics of the boats that Token had gotten for them. Craig's eyes instantly gravitated towards Tweek, who was yelping out something about too much pressure as Terry demonstrated the weird type of fire weapon he'd made for the battle that would set water on fire.
Focusing on the blond, Craig felt a knot form in the pit of his stomach as he watched Tweek no doubt drain his thermos as he attempted to tame his own shaking. His hair was flying everywhere, just like always, and his Manbearpig pelt had managed to acquire a tie so it was firmly secured around his shoulders for the fight to come. With the fresh war paint that he assumed had been done by Clyde, and the weapons arrayed around the boy's body, he looked dangerous. Craig liked that, but he wished that Tweek wasn't freaking out, mostly because the blond didn't need that kind of stress right before a battle.
He wanted to be over there, but he knew that if Kenny caught him, he'd have an irritated and irritating Princess on his hands. There was nothing he wanted to deal with less, and that was including Cartman. It was weird, half the time when he'd go against what Kenny said and hang out with Tweek regardless, the boy would smile like that had been the right thing to do, even as he chastised the Noirette for doing it. He didn't fucking understand Kenny one bit.
"Watching Tweek?" Bebe asked. Quickly turning around, Craig realized that the girl still hadn't stopped fussing with her clothing. How she'd known what he was doing was beyond the Noirette. Reluctantly moving away from the tent flap, Craig let out a puff of air before kicking a pebble that was by his toe.
"Yep," he answered, popping the 'p'. There was no point in lying, he was pretty sure Bebe knew him well enough to call him out on his bullshit. Besides, there was no reason to lie, Tweek was Tweek, why wouldn't Craig be watching him?
"Don't worry, he'll do fine," Bebe reassured Craig. Though he hadn't been worried about it per say, he couldn't deny that hearing Bebe say it made him feel a little better about it. Craig knew that Tweek could handle himself fine, but that didn't mean he didn't worry slightly. That was one of the consequences of caring about someone, he was discovering, the natural inclination to worry. He didn't mean to, he wasn't even sure he wanted to, but Tweek was a soft, admittedly cute boy and Craig didn't want to see him get hurt.
Shaking the weird thoughts from his head, Craig said, "Yeah, I know he will. He doesn't think he will, but he always does."
Turning around, Bebe smiled at Craig and said, "You're a good person Craig, I hope you keep that trait, even when we put this stupid game behind us." Furrowing his brows at that abrupt statement, Craig was only just forming the word 'why' when behind him, he heard a girlish giggle.
"Oh look at the happy couple," Kenny tittered, making Craig's expression sour at once. Turning so he could glare at the boy, all Craig succeeded in doing was making Kenny chuckle. "Well, I hate to interrupt you two, but we have a battle soon so~ Who's ready to kick some Elves back to the trees they came from?"
Raising an eyebrow, Craig said, "Anything is better than this bullshit." He wasn't sure what bullshit he was referring to, but most of it was pretty shit, so he decided that it was applicable no matter what way you looked at it.
"I agree," Bebe said. "Let's do this."
Kenny grinned wolfishly. "Then let's get this show on the road.
))))-((((
The Humans had exactly seven boats. Craig wasn't sure how Token had gotten his hands on so many, but this was Token they were talking about. He'd probably bought them. Though Craig wasn't too sure about boats in general, he had to admit these were pretty interesting. They weren't your traditional boat shape, after all, they were something more like flat-bottomed squares that had sides just big enough to keep the water out. They all had paddles affixed to their sides, though Craig had a feeling that those wouldn't be used much.
The plan, was, in its essence, to knock the Elves off of their boats, using the more floor-shaped boats of their own as good fighting platforms. Apparently, the people who'd come out earlier had been learning quickly how to jump from one boat to the other with as little hassle as possible. Craig had to admit, it was smart. Of course, the one downside was that they were wooden, so the certain fire they'd managed to acquire would only be so useful without destroying their own ships, but those were, according to Token, the breaks.
Craig, personally, had no love for the sea or even this particular still body of water. Thankfully, Token had taken that into consideration and had planned for Craig to at least start on the land. If, of course, there happened to be an opportunity to take to the see, he was to do so, but Token had decided that he would at least start on land. It did make things like sneak attacks easier, so he wasn't complaining.
No one had told him where Tweek would start, but Craig supposed that if he were going to be on land, it would only make sense to put Tweek there as well. Maybe he was wrong, but he didn't think the people in charge would be so cruel as to not let Tweek fight with him. They might put him on the other side of the pond, or even in the tree line, but that wouldn't matter. Once combat started, Craig would probably be able to find the boy.
Right now, he wasn't near the boy, instead, he was waiting silently in the position that Token had put him in. He saw no reason to move nor did he want to. Ergo, he was staying right where he was so as not to make anyone get irritated right before a fight. Kyle still hadn't arrived, though his army's boats were tied up on the other side of the bank. They had five, more traditionally shaped boats, all of them manned by one Elf a piece. Apart from some playful banter though, no one had yet attacked. They were waiting for the word of their leader.
Speaking of which, Cartman had done an unsurprisingly good job of antagonizing Kyle into a fight. Granted it hadn't taken much, but Craig had to admire the ability to turn a situation to whatever way he wanted it to go in Cartman. The only other person he knew who could do that was Kenny, and the boy never used it, so he wasn't even sure if it counted. Not that any of that mattered, the point of it was that they were going to fight soon and he was more than ready.
Wherever Tweek was, Craig hoped the boy was ready as well.
"Whatcha think, Fucker?" Kenny asked, nudging Craig in the side, causing the Noirette to look down at him with a glare. "Think anyone's going to drown tonight? I'd say someone will, probably me. Don't worry though, I'm good at drowning." He winked as if this were somehow funny. When Craig's glare only deepened, Kenny giggled, returning to his girlish attitude in a second before falling out of it once again. "You should have seen how our darling Tweekers reacted to that! It was priceless!"
Resisting the urge to tell Kenny that Tweek wasn't the Princess's anything, Craig forced his expression to go back to neutral before flatly saying, "Maybe you shouldn't be fucking around with him then and you should do something useful, Lady McCormick." Noticing Cartman and Token talking a few meters away, he suggested, "I dunno, maybe talking over the strategy would be a better use of your time."
"Oh you," Kenny trilled, pushing Craig like he thought that the Noirette was just the funniest thing. Returning quickly to his usual mischievous smile, the Princess said, "I'd worry about yourself, Feldspar. Not all things go to plan after all, even those that you trust in." Wiggling his fingers, grinning from ear to ear, the boy continued, "It's okay though, I'll make sure you don't suffer too much for your problems."
Before Craig could ask what the hell that was supposed to mean, Kenny turned around quickly before his eyes widened. "Oh! And there's the Drow Elves. It's like Christmas, but I actually get presents~" Giving one last giggle, Kenny waltzed off, leaving Craig to turn so he could see what Kenny was talking about.
Watching as the Elves headed over the horizon towards the Humans, Craig could feel his heart rate start to speed up slightly. It was a wave of green, all of the Elves walking towards them as one. At their head, striding tall with Stan at his side, was Kyle, his golf club held in one hand and his eyes narrowed to slits as he stared at Cartman. Craig didn't need to turn around to know Cartman was smirking. He could practically taste the smugness in the air.
Looking over the other Elves, Craig frowned slightly when he noticed Jimmy with them. Though he was mostly indifferent to the boy, he still considered him a friend, and he would have rather not had to fight him. But he'd taken a side, and the Noirette supposed he didn't have a choice.
As the Elves silently moved to take up position across the shore of Stark's Pond, all of them facing the humans, Craig lifted his chin and faced forward. It seemed to take far too long, and to be honest, he wasn't used to this traditional style of battle, but he supposed it worked. From somewhere nearby, he heard a soft whimper of, "Oh god~" and he wanted to look around for Tweek, but he satisfied himself with knowing that the blond was nearby.
Almost like some machine, the Elves loaded into their boats, five to each ship, and slowly started rowing out to the center of the lake. From the corner of his eye, Craig could see the human's doing the same. At the front, Cartman and Butters moved in front of the other Human craft, two boys rowing their boat out so they were facing Kyle's and Stan's boat. Rolling his eyes towards the Elves in front of him, Craig marked the positions of the archers and Rangers, trying to keep track of them all. It was actually sort of impressive how many Elves there were. If Craig had been the type to be easily amazed, he would have been, but he was sort of bored of this whole show at this point. He wanted the fight to start, not drag out like this.
Thankfully, the beginning came soon enough.
"Grand Wizard," Kyle spat, sounding disgusted as if the very words were dirty.
"High Jew Elf," Cartman answered back, sounding practically malicious.
From his own vessel, his hair flying out behind him, Kenny purred, "Are you prepared to get your asses handed to you on a plate, oh vicious Drow Elves of the northern territories?"
"In your fucking dreams, Kenny," Stan answered, drawing his sword as he tilted his head back.
"Th-that's Lady McCormick t'you!" Butters insisted, his tone firm. "Y'know, if it isn't too much trouble an' stuff."
"Well then, I see no point in dragging this out," Kyle said stiffly, lifting his golf club like it was a staff. "May the best faction win."
And with a flash of Cartman and Kyle's staffs, the battle began.
Instantly, Craig found himself beset by several Elves, no doubt targeting him because he was a bigger threat than most of the players around him. Dodging left, ducking and rolling to avoid the word headed for his throat, Craig drew the new darts Kenny had given him swiftly and threw three of them, hitting two Elves. Coming up with a knife in his right hand, Craig was forced to parry the Ranger who attacked him, the boy's sword flashing as he attempted to get a hit in.
Out on the sea, Craig watched as large streaks of fire flared in his vision. Elves and Humans were locked in vicious battles, their swords and other weapons flashing as people yelled out spells and people got close to falling into the water. Naturally, Token's boat design was quickly proving to be superior as most of the humans in each of them could stand at once without tipping the boat or even getting too unsteady. Craig might have marveled at this, but he was currently too busy defeating the archer that had come up behind him to pay much attention to them.
"Die Human scum!" the first Ranger yelled, viciously attacking Craig. Deflecting the blow, though not quickly enough to avoid damage, Craig drew his other knife and managed to land two strikes to the boy's back before being forced to duck and roll as several arrows went flying over his head.
Rolling his eyes, despite the gravity of the situation, Craig took the Ranger out with a slice to his throat before muttering, "You'd think you guys would come up with some better fucking insults." Twisting around to deal with Archer, Craig let out a groan as several other Rangers raced at him, their swords drawn. He had half a mind to just evade them and go find Tweek, but to be honest, he wasn't sure if he should. Besides, the blond would probably find him soon enough anyway.
The fighting sort of started to blur at some point. Each Elf that attacked him proved to be another challenge, and yet each one fell like the last. Admittedly they were leaving him more and more battered with every moment, but Craig had a lot of health points to spare, and several 'health potions' that Butters had given him in a well-meaning attempt to be nice. It was probably a good thing, because Token was busy casting spells on the humans on the water, keeping them alive.
As the sun set on the horizon, the battle raged on. Craig watched as humans and Elves both got pitched overboard into the freezing water only to be hauled back into their boats by their respective sides. On the opposite side of the banks, Jimmy was fending off five separate humans at once with his bardic songs, a grin on his face as he did so. Craig still hadn't seen Tweek, but he trusted that the blond was alright. After all, he hadn't heard any screaming and he knew better than to worry about him unnecessarily while fighting. That tended to him getting hurt when he really didn't need to.
Clashing with yet another Elf, this one a healer, Craig ground his teeth together as several more Rangers joined the fight. He could see the casualties around him, Humans and Elves alike. Though he'd already done plenty of damage, he didn't want to end up as one of those out of commission. Gritting his teeth, Craig attacked twice as hard as before, throwing his all into defeating this healer. The Elves only had three after all, if he could take this one down, that would be a good thing. He was pretty sure Token had specifically said that taking out the Healers was important. Though he might have been misremembering.
"Give it up," Craig said flatly as he landed another hit on the boy, a fifth grader he didn't know the name of. "You can't beat me, I'm a level eleven Thief." It was a fair point, and he proved it by taking out one of the Rangers that had been defending the Healer with several well-placed blows to the boy's kidneys. As he went down, Craig easily stepped over him, advancing on the other two Elves.
"You're nothing but the pawn of the Grand Wizard," the other Ranger spat, his sword swinging out at Craig's side. Dodging it, Craig caught the tip of the blade with his own and slashed his knife against the boy's ribs. He hated being called a pawn, no matter how true it might be. He'd known he was being used since the beginning, before the wedding even, but sometimes he would rather just forget. It always made him feel irritated after all, reminded him that he was only part of this whole stupid game because of the whims of Cartman of all fucking people.
"And you're not a pawn for Kyle?" Craig bit out, feeling frustrated as the healer touched the Ranger's shoulder, bringing him back to full health. "We're all fucking pawns, some of us are just better at it than others." He proved this point by ducking around the healer's back and dealing a fair amount of damage to the boy. Judging by the way the Elf growled in pain, he could only assume that the boy would have a lovely bruise the next day. He wasn't about to lie and say that didn't bring him satisfaction.
"At least our leader isn't an asshole." At the sound of that voice, Craig ducked without thinking. It was a good thing he did because otherwise, Chris Donnelly's sword would have cut him in half. "Craig Tucker," the boy said, pointing his blade at Craig's face with a grin. "I believe we have some unfinished business."
"Fuck you," Craig commented, before attacking. Flashing his knives out, Craig was irritated when they were both deflected easily by the Elf. Keeping the Healer and the other Ranger in his line of sight as best as he could, Craig ducked down, aiming for Chris' ribs, only to find a blade headed for his throat. Changing tactics half-way through, Craig pushed the offending blade away, only to end up getting knocked aside as the flat of Chris' blade caught him in the side.
"Don't tell me that 'marriage' has made you soft," Chris challenged, his eyes glinting dangerously. Glaring at the boy, Craig darted forward, both knives out and headed for the Elf's face. At the last second however, he changed directions and caught Chris' shoulder with several hard jabs. Feeling a sweep of satisfaction at the way the boy's smile disappeared, Craig cursed under his breath when the Ranger behind him caught him again with his blade. Though it was only a glancing blow, Craig still knew those were precious hit points he couldn't afford to lose. I need to deal with the healer and the other Ranger. But both times he'd fought Chris before, he'd lost, which was undeniably frustrating.
"It's not fucking marriage," Craig growled instead, attempting to get behind Chris only to find himself cut off by the Healer who threw some pop-its in his path, which was supposed to symbolize holy fire. "We're fucking dating and fuck. You." Accenting both of his words with a strike, Craig grit his teeth as one of them was parried and the other hardly did any damage at all. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck- He needed Tweek to jump in and guard his back before Chris took him down.
Suddenly, as if by wishing he'd made something happen, the Healer dropped, an arrow sticking to his forehead. There's only one person who shoots that well. Feeling a rush of power and warmth run through him, Craig said, "About fucking time," before throwing himself at Chris with a renewed vigor. Though the boy was still undeniably tough, without the healer there to heal him, Craig was able to wear down on his health. Feeling his back brush up against something, Craig knew that it had to be Tweek. Though the sounds of battle were too loud to hear the boy's twitchy sounds, it was the only person it could be.
"That's not fair!" Chris exclaimed, his eyes widening. Using the boy's surprise to his advantage, Craig landed several hits to the boy's ribs before delivering a critical to the boy's chest.
"You'd better fucking believe it is," Craig said. Realizing that Chris Donnelly's health was getting low, the Thief did the thing he'd wanted to do since he'd first fought Chris and took him down at last. With quick, precise movements, Craig kicked out one of the Elf's legs, taking him down to one knee. As he struggled to get to his feet, Craig swept around behind him and put one knife to the back of his neck and the other to his throat. Planting his knee in the middle of Chris' back, Craig pushed him down to the ground and said softly, "Do you know why? It's because the Humans are fucking better than the Elves."
Looking up, already smiling at the thought of Tweek's shining eyes, Craig's body suddenly went cold. Because Tweek wasn't the one looking at him, instead he was facing Bebe, who was standing before him, her chin raised and an excited look on her face. Wait, no, I'm supposed to be fighting with Tweek. Why is she here?
Suddenly drawing her bow, Bebe fired a bolt off, the arrow flying past Craig's ear. "If you're going to daydream Feldspar, might not want to do it while we're fighting," she informed him, even as the Elf that had been sneaking up on him fell. Still not fully comprehending what was happening, Craig turned towards the water, a horrible sinking sensation going through him as he did so. Because somehow, he knew what he was going to find.
Tweek was in one of the boats, standing there alone on the vessel as he stared at Craig. Even as the Noirette watched, several more Elves came at him and Bebe forcing him to stand back to back with her so he could fight off the attackers. Though he knew he shouldn't, he turned back, just in time to see Tweek's horrified and… broken expression staring back at him. Abruptly, Craig felt himself wishing that the blond didn't show so much emotion because though he didn't understand the horrible sinking in his stomach, it took him over, making his movements sluggish, allowing the Elf he was fighting to almost land a critical on him.
"Feldspar, focus!" Bebe commanded. Gritting his teeth together, despite how wrong this felt now that he knew he wasn't fighting with Tweek, Craig forced himself to push back against the Elves, quickly dispatching the already injured Ranger with several quick hits. Catching sight of Bebe's enemy about to hit the side of her head with his blade, Craig ground his teeth together harder before catching the blade with his own, allowing Bebe to jab the boy's heart with her short sword, finally taking him out.
Realizing that most of the fighting had migrated to the other side of the pond, Craig turned just in time to hear a screech cut through the sounds of the battle. Eyes going for Tweek, the Noirette could hardly track him as the blond leaped from his own boat onto an Elven ship, his club in one hand and his sword in the other. With the ferociousness of a demon, Tweek cut through the Elves in the ship, knocking out two and pushing the other three into the water with pure force. Mouth falling open, even as the horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach grew, Craig hardly even noticed the feeling of Bebe pulling on his arm.
"We have to go help on the other side," She was insisting, but Craig couldn't listen, all he could do was watch as Tweek cut through the Elves, drawing his bow and firing with deadly accuracy, striking Elf after Elf, all fear of the water and fighting on it clearly gone. Suddenly, Clyde was there as well, jumping into the Elven boat and rowing it towards the other Elves, his sword clenched between his teeth. Wanting to yell out to Tweek but unsure what he was even supposed to say, Craig started to move around the Pond, pulling Bebe with him. He wanted to get out there and help the blond, but he was stuck on land so he could only watch as Tweek and Clyde suddenly engaged another Elven ship in battle, both of them attacking with a power that Craig had honestly never seen.
"Craig, stop, what are you doing?" Bebe asked, pulling him back. Shaking his head numbly, Craig watched as Clyde threw an Elf off of the boat and Tweek hit the boy in the head with his pan, preventing him from getting back on. Jesus, they're actually going to drown these people! He could hear Tweek screaming out words, but he couldn't make them out and it was honestly making him worried.
"I have to get to him," Craig was saying, trying to push Bebe away. His voice was a flat mumble, but his movements were urgent. He didn't know how he knew that something was horribly wrong, but just by watching Tweek, he could tell. "He's not okay, I have to do something."
"Craig you can't get to him!" Bebe was insisting, instinctively knowing who Craig was talking about. As they watched, Tweek leaped onto an empty human vessel, his club already raised. He and Clyde were clearly headed for Kyle's boat, even though the boy was already locked in a battle with Cartman. "Stop this! We don't have a boat, you can't-"
"I have to," Craig insisted, his volume rising. Even as Tweek suddenly attacked Stan, forcing the boy's attention away from Butters, Craig struggled against Bebe. The other warriors around the Pond were slowly stopping what they were doing as well so they could watch Clyde and Tweek take on the leaders of the Elven Kingdom. But it was all so wrong and Tweek looked nothing short of furious. Gritting his teeth, Craig held back the desire to yell for Tweek.
As the battle in the lake raged, Elves and humans alike hurrying to get as close as possible to the fighting boys so they could join in, Tweek knocked Stan's sword out of his hand. In that same moment, Clyde lunged forward, knocking Kyle over. For a moment, the Elven king flailed, then he was tipping over falling into the icy waters beneath.
Like they were all one beast, the humans suddenly roared out their approval, knowing instinctively that this meant the battle was over. Pointing his sword at Stan, who was defenseless, Clyde demanded, "Surrender to us now, Elven Dirt!"
Gritting his teeth together, Stan yelled out, "Elves, retreat!"
At his words, the humans erupted in cheers. All Craig could do was move in the direction Tweek was rowing his boat, his pan forgotten as he pushed himself back to land. Clyde was still standing, his sword raised in the air and a triumphant expression on his face, almost like he'd been vindicated by this. As Tweek's boat bumped the shore, Craig was there, trying to get to the blond.
"Tweek-" he started, unsure what he was even supposed to say.
"What, Craig?" Tweek spat, making Craig back up. The boy looked practically furious, but worse still, Craig was sure that there were tears in the boy's eyes. As if to confirm this, Tweek wiped at them before standing up straighter. "What do you want with me?"
Taking a step back, unsure how he was supposed to handle Tweek's inexplicable anger, Craig muttered, "Nothing," wishing desperately that he had a better answer. Like this was the wrong thing to say, Tweek gritted his teeth in a snarl and twitched horribly, his hand going to the hilt of his club.
"Yeah, c-clearly." With those words, the boy walked away from Craig, leaving him to stand beside Bebe, a flat, yet upset expression on his face. All he could do was watch them go.
I fucked up, didn't I?
This time, Craig didn't need Bebe to tell him that he was right.
