Tweek
I'm messed up, I'm horrible.
Tweek shivered as he walked, his whole body convulsing with tremors. He wished he could reach into his skin and yank out the thing that was making him feel like he was dying, the alien that wouldn't leave him alone, the monster that made him act monstrously. But it was so deep into him at this point, like it had poisoned the very blood coursing through his body, pumping through his heart and slowly killing it.
I should be going to Token's house with the others, I shouldn't just be leaving.
Images kept flashing through his mind, bits and pieces of the battle that made everything inside of him break just that much more. He could remember the terror he'd felt as he'd struggled to fight the Elves on a boat while it tipped beneath his feet. It had been horrible, and there was this strong memory of him thinking that the only thing he really wanted was for Craig to be with him, fighting back to back like they usually did.
He hates me, he's going to wish I never existed. How am I supposed to compare against a girl that he's dating? Why do I even want to compare?!
Despite his fear, he'd just sort of assumed that Craig was there somewhere, fighting close enough that if he turned around he'd find the boy, coming to aid him, ready to help him fight off the Elves. Thought there had been spells flying and swords flashing and people getting pushed into the icy water beneath them, Tweek had felt some level of safety in the knowledge that Craig was there. Somewhere, he was fighting as well and if he was doing it and if he was doing his best to get closer to Tweek, then Tweek was going to fight with all the might he had.
What, did I think I'd be able to really be more important to him than Bebe? Why would I even imagine something like that?! It's so different than what Clyde was saying, it's not like Bebe is just another friend. She's his girlfriend! That automatically makes her more important! Why did I think I could beat that!? Why did I try!?
He'd been so sure that Craig was there somewhere, but when he'd gotten a moment to breathe, when he'd managed to knock the Elves on his ship off and into the water below, Tweek hadn't seen Craig there with him. He'd looked, he'd desperately searched everywhere because his first thought was that Craig had fallen in or something, but he hadn't been in the water. For a moment, he'd panicked, but then he'd looked to the opposite shore and he'd seen the truth.
I'm such an idiot…
There, his eyes alight with excitement and determination, had been Craig, fighting back to back with Bebe. They'd looked like a shining beacon from where Tweek was, like their combined power made them glow. He'd gotten to watch as Craig finally took down Chris Donnelly before looking up at Bebe and smiling that small yet radiant smile that he'd only ever shown Tweek before. And it had been turned at Bebe, because they were fighting together, doing the one thing that Tweek had wanted to do with Craig. The only thing he'd asked for while he'd allowed the boy's time and attention to be taken up by Bebe.
Allowed? Jesus, what am I allowing?! I can't control Craig! Craig's his own person and he's allowed to date and smile at and fight with whoever he wants!
In that moment though, staring at the two of them, Tweek had felt himself break. All of the pain that he'd been holding back and convincing himself was wrong and stupid to have suddenly poured out of him, pulling him to pieces. As all of the Tweek-shaped pieces had fallen into the water below, Tweek had been able to do nothing but twitch and stare in horror as Bebe protected Craig like the perfect girlfriend she was and Craig had kept staring at her, no doubt like she was the sun.
Then, like it was somehow okay, like he was somehow only now remembering that Tweek existed like had become the norm over the last month, Craig had gotten to his feet and looked out at the blond. He'd had the nerve to look surprised. And then a moment later he'd just turned back towards his own fight and protected Bebe like they'd fought together their whole life. Like Tweek was nothing.
As the blond stared at his feet, clenching his arms like he wanted to leave handprints in them, he had to admit that at least Craig had finally figured it out. He was nothing, it was just Craig had managed to make him believe that he was worth something after all. But he wasn't all he was happened to be a fucked up spaz who had attachment issues and a million monsters that watched him with their glowing eyes. He wasn't smart like Token or happy and funny like Clyde or nice and normal like Bebe. He had nothing that Craig would want, he was just a twitchy fuck that had stumbled into the Noirette's life and proceeded to fuck it up in every way imaginable.
Gritting his teeth, he remembered vaguely the way he'd broken at that, snapped in a way that he hadn't thought possible. His throat still hurt from the scream he'd let out as the world had started to look like so many shades of red. Craig had always said that he was more important, that they were a team, that everyone else could just fuck off but clearly, it had been nothing much so much bullshit because Craig had done nothing of the sort. He'd chosen Bebe again and again and toed the line and Tweek was done. If Craig wanted to be a good boyfriend, then he could stop pretending like he didn't want it, because Tweek was sick of it.
Which is why once the terror had fled his mind, leaving him with nothing but pure, unadulterated rage, Tweek had just sort of attacked. Every Elf in his way became a new target, a new thing to destroy because this stupid game was the reason that he hadn't been allowed to live in that happy bubble with Craig forever. This stupid game had taken what good things he'd finally been given and Craig had taken back all the peace of mind he'd ever given to Tweek in one fell swoop.
And it hurt. It really really hurt.
Stumbling up the steps to his own house, Tweek was unbelievably glad the door was open, because even if he had been able to find the key, there was no way he'd have been able to stop shaking enough to put it into the lock. Almost falling through it, Tweek looked up through blurry eyes to find his parents sitting in the living room, his mother knitting away at the scarf that she'd been making for years and could probably mummify a small child with how long it was and his father reading some sort of subscription to a coffee magazine he wouldn't have been able to name if he tried. Looking up at him, Richard Tweek smiled, his face as blank as ever. "Hello son, how are you this morning."
Shaking harder, his fingers going for his hair, Tweek found himself shrieking, "HORRIBLE, I WANT T-TO DIE!"
Turning her porcelain face to Tweek, the boy's mother tilted her head slightly and smiled, even as Tweek's father said, "That's great son. Don't forget you have school soon." Shivering, his feet moving backward even as he twitched harder and wished he could just scream some more, Tweek spun on his heels and ran, heading for his room without looking back. His whole house felt so empty and horrible and god, he wanted to scream.
Because all that he could hear in his ears was his own voice and Craig's, repeating the same words over and over again, stuck in a loop that made him feel like puking. His own venomous, desperate words, What do you want with me? Begging for Craig to say something, to apologize, to say any of those empty things that had made him feel better before. Anything to keep him from losing it, even though he was crying because it hurt so much.
But all Craig had said was Nothing. Because why would he want Tweek for anything when he was broken, and fucked-up, and nothing but a million disgusting emotions that he shouldn't even feel.
Choking on his own breath, Tweek burst into his room and looked around at the walls that were closing in around him. All he wanted was to feel better, all he wanted was for things to stop hurting so much. He just wanted Craig back, the Craig who'd said fuck the system and meant it every single time. The Craig that had looked at him and told Tweek that he'd notice if he vanished. The Craig that had run to him when the monsters got to be too much. The Craig that had told him they'd always be fucked up together. The Craig that had let Tweek fall asleep on his shoulder as he pointed to the stars.
The boy who'd pushed him around on the Merry-go-round so he could feel like he was flying.
The person who'd patted his head to calm him down.
The monster in the back of the class who just stared at me and never said a word.
As he sucked in a deep, shuddering breath, Tweek found himself yanking the Manbearpig pelt off of his shoulders and throwing it in the corner. Pulling at his weapons belts, shedding them, Tweek twitched and rubbed at his dry eyes as the pain in his stomach got worse. He was nothing but a desperate idiot who'd believed that he might have some worth. Reaching blindly for a shirt, Tweek only belatedly realized it was the shirt that Craig had gotten him.
Feeling like he was about to scream, no, knowing he was about to scream, Tweek stumbled backward from the thing in his room that made it feel like it was crumbling around him and tore out of his room, racing back down the stairs without a thought in his head except getting out. Ignoring the words his parents attempted to speak at him, Tweek shoved his way through the front door and out into the cold night air. It wasn't below freezing anymore but Tweek hardly cared. It didn't matter if he was cold, the pain in his chest was more than enough to distract him.
Without even really thinking about where he was going, Tweek just started running, ignoring the monsters that he knew were just out of sight watching him and following him. It didn't matter anymore, he just had to get out. He had to escape the pain clogging up his throat and turning his blood to pure poison. All he wanted was Craig, he just wanted the boy to go back to normal, even if normal turned out to only be the Craig who stared at him and scared him and didn't give two shits about anyone. Tweek wanted that, he wanted that shining and terrifying thing he could look up to and aspire to be like. He wanted to go back to being alone, just so he wouldn't know what loneliness was anymore.
He wanted it to stop.
Pushing himself, even though his already bruised legs were burning and his body was aching with exhaustion, Tweek kept running. He didn't even know where he was going, he just knew he needed to get out. Away from the things that were haunting him. Away from the pain, away from the pressure in his skull.
Not bothering to stop when he ran across the street, hardly caring if he got hit with a car one way or another, Tweek felt his mind slowly collapsing in on itself as more words echoed back at him. You're too paranoid to see past your own delusions! He wasn't he knew that this was real. The pain he was feeling was too much to be anything but real. You have no idea what's running through my head! But it didn't matter anymore, did it? Tweek would never understand the Noirette, not now, not when they got old and things changed even more than they already had.
Maybe you should have fucking asked, maybe you should have spoken to me! How was Tweek supposed to talk to Craig when all his words came out wrong? How was he supposed to fix anything when all he did was make things worse? Craig didn't know what was going on any more than he did so why did it feel like a slap in the face every time something else eroded away? Why was he so fucked up to feel like this when Craig hadn't even done anything wrong?
Do you see what I am now Tweek, do you see what a monster I fucking am? Skidding on mud, hatting the feeling flowing through him and the person who had put it there, Tweek only now realized where he was heading as the trees flashed past him. Watching as Stark's Pond loomed large in his vision, black and silent now that the war was over and everything had already been forgotten. Nothing but one lonely human boat floating about near the shore, a testament to everything that had happened, and yet a mockery of the pain that Tweek was feeling now.
Fuck you! I hate you! I hate you and your paranoia and your damn face and your damn eyes.
He was so sick of hearing Craig's voice in his head, he was so sick of this pain.
Slipping and stumbling to a stop before the vast, silent body of water, Tweek put his hands to his mouth and yelled, expending the last of the breath he had left, "I H-HATE YOU CRAIG TUCKER!" Forced to suck down air or pass out, Tweek shook and twitched horribly as he grit his teeth together and screamed out over the water. "I FUCKING HATE YOU AND -NGH- I WISH YOU D-DIDN'T EXIST!"
As the pain only got worse, attempting to choke him, Tweek clenched his fists and hollered, "I WISH Y-YOU'D NEVER STARTED DATING BEBE! I WISH YOU'D JUST –RRR- BREAK UP WITH HER!" Shaking harder, Tweek wrapped his arms around his stomach as chills ran through him. There was so much in his head that he couldn't let out, so much pain that made him want to break down and just die.
"GOD, I DON'T EVEN C-CARE IF YOU KEEP DATING HER!" Tweek's voice cracked at the end, and he twitched violently, his teeth clattering together as he yelled. "I'M JUST TIRED –GHN- OF PRETENDING LIKE THIS IS OKAY! I'M SO F-FUCKING SICK OF ALL OF THE THINGS YOU MAKE ME F-FEEL! ALL OF THE PAIN AND NUMBESS AND S-STUPID EMOTIONS, I JUST WANT IT TO STOP!" It didn't make him feel any better, screaming out all of the horrible things in his head. All he wanted to do was curl up and die, but the words just kept coming, like some horrible sort of thing was making him keep going.
"I HATE HOW YOU L-LET THEM TELL YOU WANT TO DO!" he shrieked, shaking his head hard enough to make everything throb. "YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO –GHN- GIVE A F-FUCK! WHY DO YOU CARE NOW!? JESUS, I- I JUST WANTED TO FIGHT WITH YOU TODAY! WHY COULDN'T I HAVE THAT ONE THING!?" He'd given Bebe everything else, all the other pieces of Craig that he'd come to take for granted. But as the month and a half that this whole thing had happened over had gone by, he'd watched Craig slowly become quicker to bow his head and listen rather than stand up and fight.
Staring up at the empty, cloudy sky above him, Tweek growled and yelled, "THINGS USED TO M-MAKE SENSE! IT DOESN'T –NGH- MAKE SENSE ANYMORE, IT JUST H-HURTS!" Pouring out his soul, the things he hadn't even consciously put together, Tweek continued, "YOU SAY IT'S GONNA G-GET BETTER, AND YOU S-SAY YOU'RE NOT GONNA FORGET ME B-BUT- AUGH OH GOD YOU KEEP F-FORGETTING ME! I WANT THINGS TO BE N-NORMAL!"
What even was normal anymore? Did he even know? Would he be able to tell if he saw it?
"I WISH I COULD JUST GO B-BACK TO WHEN YOU DIDN'T –GRR- EXIST IN MY L-LIFE!" Tweek wished he could forget the whole day, he wished he could go back to when it didn't hurt. Clyde had called it jealousy but jealousy shouldn't make someone feel like they were dying. Which meant that he was fucked up, it meant that he was defective and didn't belong. But he'd already known that no one wanted him and that no one cared and that really he shouldn't even exist, but Craig had given his life some meaning.
And now the boy probably hated him. Even if he didn't, Tweek didn't think he could exist in this twisted sort of limbo any fucking longer. He was killing himself, it wasn't even Craig. It was just his own fucked up mind and he should stop trying to make the Noirette live two lives when he'd already chosen the one he wanted. Tweek could have said how much it made it Clyde hurt, he could have yelled about how Craig wasn't even happy, but what if he was?
If what he'd seen during the battle was any indication, he was happy. Happy without Tweek, happy with Bebe even if he had been forced into the relationship.
Feeling like he was on the brink of tears, Tweek reached his shaking hands up into his hair and screamed, "I HATE YOU C-CRAIG TUCKER! I HATE YOU, AND YOUR EMOTIONLESSNESS, AND YOUR –RRR- LIES AND YOUR F-FUCKING-" Voice cracking, Tweek felt his knees hit the muddy ground as he croaked out, "And y-your smile." His smile, that made Tweek feel like he was okay, even when he wasn't. Curling in on himself as his shivers got worse, Tweek whispered, "I hate myself, I hate w-what I am. I want to be n-normal, and not –ngh- f-feel this way."
With glassy eyes, Tweek stared out at the water and softly said, "M-maybe it's all in my head. Maybe I –rrr- really am just crazy."
You're not just crazy. Glancing over towards that single raft still floating around in the water, his breath coming in short, distorted gasps, Tweek bit his lip hard enough to make it bleed at the sight of that mirage of Craig, sitting there on the raft. His knees were drawn up to his chest and his calm blue eyes were full of all of that pain that Tweek had seen in Craig when he'd yelled at him before. All of the anguish that he'd ignored in favor of being selfish and pretending like he was the only one hurting.
Flatly, just like the Noirette would have if he were there in person, Mental Craig continued, If you are crazy, then we're all fucked up as well. This whole fucking game isn't a game anymore, is it? It's nothing but an ugly mess. Staring at the shimmering version of Craig, Tweek shook his head, his mouth forming around words that he never said. He didn't want to see Craig right now, not when he was such a mess, but at the same time, it made him wish for the real thing, if only so he could feel better. Even if it would be pretend.
Voice coming out strangled because of his earlier screaming, Tweek whimpered, "Why do you –ghn- k-keep acting like this? Why w-won't things get better?"
Honestly? The vision of Craig unfurled his limbs and tipped back his chin so he could pull his coat out of the way. Around his neck, glowing, was what looked like a collar. Tweek didn't get it, but apparently something deep in his subconscious did because a moment later, Craig said, Don't you remember what Kenny said? About collaring me? I think they succeeded. Even with those words, Tweek didn't get it, he just shook his head weakly.
Shrugging, the mirage of Craig let his hand trail through the water, and even though it wasn't real, Tweek could see the ripples form in the surface of the pond. They tamed me, but I don't know if it matters anymore. As long as this game continues, it's only going to get worse. Looking at the blond sharply, his eyes as piercing as they were in real life, Craig finished, I'm good at fucking things up, but eventually, somethings going to break.
"I already have," Tweek mumbled back, even as the image of Craig faded from his sight. Jesus, I just want it to stop. Shivering painfully, Tweek curled his back and stared at the edge of the water, noticing as he did so Kenny's Princess tiara washing up on the bank. He fell in, didn't he… I think he drowned. Or maybe he was imagining things again…
"Tweek."
He didn't fall over, he didn't scream, all the blond boy did was stumble to his feet and stare at Craig, who was standing there, breathing heavily, his eyes wide and full of pain even if his face was as blank as ever. Twitching, Tweek wrapped his arms around his stomach and squeezed as the pain filled him once more. The anger. All of the helplessness he couldn't begin to name.
"Wh-what?" Tweek bit out, his shivering only increasing as he stared at Craig. Very slowly, like he wasn't sure what else he was supposed to do, Craig walked towards him, his eyes full of conflict and his mouth pressed into a pained line. "What do you want?" he demanded, his voice growing more tremulous by the second. This was too much, he couldn't handle this anymore. Craig shouldn't have known he was here, and yet he had and now he was walking towards Tweek, his eyes sad and scared and pained. It wasn't okay.
"Tweek-" Craig repeated, his flat voice sounding off. Teeth chattering horribly, Tweek shook his head slowly, wishing it would stop. He didn't want to deal with this, not when it wasn't going to make anything better. Not when even his own subconscious was too fucked to make sense of it in a way he could understand. He wanted everything to just stop.
Looking down at the ground, Tweek shivered harder, wanting to scream and hating himself for it. Wanting Craig to make it better and knowing the boy wouldn't be able to this time. Wishing, no matter how stupid it was to do so, that things would just feel better.
Suddenly, a heavy, warm weight settled around his shoulders, cutting through the shivering. As the edges of Craig's coat came into his vision, Tweek's heart just sort of… stopped. Before he could pull himself together, before he could even remember to breathe, the tears started pouring down his face. Clutching at the edges of Craig's jacket, hating himself and hating the world, but unable to really truly hate Craig, Tweek just twitched and cried, unable to form words.
"I'm sorry," Craig said, his tone tight, thick.
I'm really just going to pretend it's alright? I'm going to let this happen all over again? Jesus what's wrong with me?! Shaking his head violently, even as he felt like he was going to throw up and the tears fell harder, Tweek pushed out, "Don't say that."
"Tweek, I-" Craig's voice faltered and Tweek looked up to find the boy looking at him with more emotion than he'd ever seen. The only thing on his face was confusion, fear, and pain. Taking a step back from him, even though it hurt worse than anything else, Tweek shook his head again and pulled Craig's coat off of his own shoulders before shoving it back towards the boy with jerky fingers. Even though he was trying to give it back, he could feel the way his fingers refused to fully let go.
"S-stop pretending Craig and just-" Choking on a sob, Tweek shivered and pushed out, "Just l-leave." Making himself let go of Craig's jacket, Tweek too another stumbling step back, wiping his eyes as he did so. "D-don't tell me y-you're sorry because nothing ever –ghn- Nothing ever changes."
"Then tell me what I'm doing wrong," Craig insisted, holding his coat dumbly like he couldn't quite figure out why Tweek had given it back to him.
His eyes were so lost, but Tweek couldn't even begin to stop himself from spitting through his tears, "Y-you're not doing anything and –ngh- th-that's the problem!"
"Then what do you want me to do!" Craig exclaimed, his blue eyes so dark and dim and dull and maybe it was Tweek's imagination, but he was crying too much to figure it out. "Just tell me why you're upset-"
"I'm fine," Tweek said, pawing at his eyes. "You've got a girlfriend Craig, y-you've got a life." Shuddering, wishing he could stop, but knowing he had to say the words before he lost the nerve, Tweek finished, "P-please stop making me hurt, okay?"
Before Craig could answer, Tweek stumbled away from him, bending down as he went and picking up Kenny's tiara. The anger was gone, everything was gone, all he had left was empty defeat. And he just wanted it to stop hurting, but he knew it wouldn't, so he gripped the tiara hard enough for it to start to cut into his hand and kept walking because if he didn't he'd probably fall down.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine…
