A/N: Everyone who thinks I'm a monster and deserve death, raise your hand.
It's okay, they're starting a support group for people just like you.
Enjoy.
Craig
The window to Craig's room squeaked open somewhere around three. There was a certain way that it opened, coming up easily for a few centimeters before jerking to a stop. From there, you had to shift it to the side a little, otherwise, it wouldn't open right. That series of particular movements made it squeak in a particular way that was uniquely annoying, disquieting and familiarly among the sounds Craig could hear.
This time, however, it was nothing more than another thing to add to the buzz in the back of Craig's brain. He didn't look up from his slow, monotonous stroking of Stripe when it happened, even though it made his guinea pig jolt in his hands. Even if it had been a sound heralding his death or something of the like, he couldn't have made himself care. Those things that were supposed to at least draw his attention weren't affecting him anymore, his brain wasn't working anymore. The power had been disconnected, his circuits had been destroyed, he was just running on the backup generators. Just staring straight ahead and jerkily running his numb fingers over Stripe's fur.
His window squeaking open didn't matter. Nothing mattered. Well, actually a whole lot of things mattered but those things had been cut out of him with a knife, separating memories and emotions with the precision of a surgeon. They were memories, but he couldn't feel anything, just cold, empty, blackness. A void that faded with the rain spattering against the windows outside till he wasn't sure if he was awake, asleep or even alive at all.
There was the sound of someone tumbling through his window and rolling across the floor before the window squeaked again. Craig still didn't bother to look up. He was broken, fundamentally wrong in a way that wasn't meant to be fixed. A defective unit that was destined for the scrap yard and nothing more. He knew there was someone in his room, he knew they were closing the window behind them, but his mind didn't really register what that meant. Actually, his mind wasn't registering anything anymore.
Words, thoughts, events, they all sort of ran together, blurring into a mess that had become nothing but white noise in his brain. Slowly, his hand moved over Stripe again, flattening the guinea pig's fur that much more before lifting his hand and repeating the action. Stripe settled down once more, no longer caring about the other person in the room. Like owner, like pet, obviously. Who cared that there was another human around, they were nothing but scenery, another background character he couldn't remember.
There was no halo of blond hair, there was no pale tearstained face. There were no impossibly, painfully green eyes. There would never be another boy like that, the only one in existence was gone now. Ergo, Craig couldn't make himself pay attention to who it was.
"You know, drowning is a pain. I'm not saying it's physically the worst way to go but man is it a hassle." Craig's brain identified the voice, gave it the name Kenny McCormick, but he didn't respond and he didn't look up. At some point, he was going to just freeze in this position, if he hadn't already that is. "And the rain? A slap in the face. I'm telling you, the universe hates us Tucker, and honestly, I can't blame her."
Craig distantly wondered if he should answer, but he didn't trust his voice, nor could he think of anything decent to say. So instead he kept dragging his hand over Stripe while he wondered if this was how he was going to die. Sitting here alone, cold, tired, and unable to understand a word that was coming from his own mind. Kenny's presence didn't factor into the equation, but then nothing was quite factoring.
"It's funny, I could be literally anywhere else and yet I drug myself through the rain, not a fun experience might I ad, to come and talk to your sorry ass and you won't even look at me." Kenny tutted. "I could have been at Butterfree's house in fact, with a blanket around my shoulders and a happy blond angel to talk to, and yet here I am, sitting on your floor. I wonder why that is?" Waiting, maybe for Craig to say something but more likely for dramatic effect, Kenny prompted, "Any takers?"
Sighing, as if in disappointment, Kenny muttered, "Well it was worth a shot." From his peripheral vision, Craig could see the boy wiggle closer to him, pulling down his rain-covered parka hood down from his face as he went. "If you're not going to say anything, I might as well go over to Tweeker's house, at least that way I'd get to see the hysteria."
Please stop making me hurt, okay? It was the first salient thought he'd had in hours, and it made Craig flinch. Tweek. That name stretched out across the static of his mind like a cry of pain that he couldn't feel. He would have screamed it, but he wasn't sure he'd be able to make a sound. He would have whispered it, but he wasn't sure he remembered how to say it right. So it just floated in his mind, a light that had been snatched from his fingers without him even knowing what was happening.
Kenny let out a soft, dry sounding chuckle. "Yeah, funny how shitty things have turned out for us all. I'd say I never thought I'd see the day but that would be a lie, and no one likes a liar, right?" I hate you and your emotionlessness and your lies! Craig flinched again, Strike squeaked under his hand. His expression didn't change, but then he didn't have the energy required to move it anymore.
"Of course, when I say all of us, I mostly mean you, don't I? You and Tweeky and Clyde and Bebe and all of those other people who have been roped into your problems. But at the end of the day who even cares about the rest of them, no, it's much more important that you, Craig Tucker, are miserable. Then again, do you even feel anything at all?" Kenny spoke so conversationally like they were talking about the weather, it was almost lulling. Yet Craig wanted it to stop because it brought back flashes of heartbroken green eyes that left him number than before. Why heartbreak? Why any of it at all?
"You know, I bet that Token wants to kill me right about now, then again, he's been pretty annoyed at me for the last month or two." Kenny shrugged and poked at his cheek with his tongue. "Oh, he knew what was going on, but strangely enough he didn't intervene either." Getting to his feet slowly, wandering over to Craig's side table and Kenny's apparent point of interest, the Noirette's phone. "I always took him to be such a mama bird but when his hatchlings need him the most, I guess he's willing to let everything go to shit."
Turning on Craig's phone, the boy fiddled with it, the action hardly drawing Craig's attention at all. You're not doing anything, and that's the problem. Swallowing suddenly, Craig blinked twice before lifting his shaking hand and stroking Stripe like the broken machine that he was. Allowing a laugh to escape him, Kenny wiggled Craig's phone around and said, "At least he stepped in once it was too late, right? For someone who says he cares about his friends, he's not doing a good job of it." Putting down Craig's phone, the boy said, "Well, I never pretended to have your best interests at heart, now did I?"
You say it's gonna get better and you say you're not gonna forget me. "But maybe we just all collectively lost the plot," Kenny suggested, sauntering back over to where Craig was standing. Very slowly, his neck creaking as he moved, Craig looked up at the boy and tried to understand the emotions playing out across his face but though they were theatrical, he couldn't make heads or tails of them. "I haven't lost the plot of course, but maybe the rest of you just fell off the bus at some point or other."
But, oh god, you keep forgetting me!
Raising an eyebrow, the poor boy continued, "You can't feel a thing right now Tucker and I bet you'd tell me that this only started today, but I think you're wrong." Tapping the side of his head, Kenny continued. "That rot started a long time ago, that insipid inability to emote has been growing for a long while now and it's only exploded just now, right?" Goadingly, like he was trying to get a reaction from the Noirette, the boy said, "Come on, tell me I'm wrong cause I know I'm not. You brought this on yourself."
Smiling slowly, Kenny said, "You know Craig, I've always thought that you and Tweek were just an accident waiting to happen but this is honestly just disappointing. You don't even know what you did wrong, do you?" When Craig flinched under Kenny's words, he shook his head. "Oh man, this shit just gets better and better! We're fucking fourth graders, Fucker~ We're nothing but a bunch of snot-nosed children, do you even know why you can't feel a damn thing or are you just guessing?"
Stop pretending and just leave.
Opening his mouth, Craig's voice came out as nothing more than a raspy croak. "What the fuck do you want from me, McCormick?" As memories started slowly to seep through the cracks, Craig's chest depressed, making it hard for him to breath. Instead of reacting to his words, however, Kenny just laughed, like it was all some big joke that Craig didn't understand.
"What do I want?" Spreading his arms wide, Kenny's eyes roamed Craig as if reading what little was going on in the boy's mind. "I want things to start making a little sense, don't you? Or maybe you don't care anymore." Prodding at his cheek with his tongue thoughtfully, the boy let his arms fall as he admitted, "Maybe I've just lived too many lifetimes for this to matter anymore. I'm jaded Tucker, I'm all fucked up in the brain, but I bet you know what that feels like. I don't give a shit but at least when I do, I mean it. We're a lot alike, but at least I've got my priorities in order."
Staring at the boy like he was crazy, Craig slowly shook his head, wishing that he could make Kenny shut up for once. He was perfectly capable of being empty and cold on his own. No point in dragging anyone else down too. It wasn't like he was worth anything, it wasn't like he was able to do anything for anyone else. Better to let him rot, right? "We're nothing alike," he told Kenny. As he spoke, he was suddenly seeing something else, tears glowing in the moonlight that the clouds hadn't yet covered, defeat concealed by violently shivers.
"Maybe you're right," Kenny agreed, hissing out a breath through his teeth. "Because at least I have a bit of common sense to go with my fucked up mind." Shrugging, the boy said, "I wouldn't let people control me, Fucker, I wouldn't let my mind get played with. I didn't think you'd let me do it either because of all the people in the world, you're the last person I expected to let other people tell you what to do. And yet here we are, you're a mess and I'm not going to lie and say 'I told you so' because even I didn't think it would get this far."
"What the hell are you talking about?" Craig asked, his flat voice hardening. He didn't need this, he didn't need to feel like his chest was slowly being crushed till his lungs couldn't fill with air right. He wanted Kenny to leave him alone, but he wanted things to make sense. More than anything, he wanted to forget. He wanted the past half a year to vanish from his mind entirely because at least then he might be able to feel his body again.
"You're so cute when you think you know what you're asking for, but it's not all that cute being quite so clueless," Kenny said, clicking his tongue disapprovingly. "Come on, did he cry? Did he scream? Did he do both? Did you feel like you just wanted to die?" Craig felt something akin to anger flare up but it died too quickly to tell. What it left behind, however, was something ravenous and tearing, eating what was left of the Noirette from the inside out. "Go on, say it, you fucked up, but you don't even know what you did because, in the end, you didn't do a damn thing."
"I know that!" Stripe scurried to the other end of Craig's bed as the boy stood up suddenly so he could glare down at Kenny. All the boy did was sneer up at him. Feeling that horribleness inside him flare up further, thawing the numbness in his chest at an alarming rate, Craig continued, "Tweek fucking told me, he told me that I haven't done anything." Breathing heavily, in stuttering starts and stops, Craig muttered, "I should have quit this stupid game a long time ago."
"You never should have joined," Kenny agreed, crossing his arms loosely and tilting his head to the side so he could watch Craig as he tightened his hands into fists, wishing he could hurt something. "But you did. Come on, I know what you're thinking. You joined for Tweek, didn't you? You wanted him to have a good time but let's be real here Fucker, who's laughing now?"
I wish I could go back to when you didn't exist in my life. Stumbling backward, away from Kenny, Craig shook his head and grit his teeth together. Tweek wasn't the only one who wished he didn't exist, Craig was pretty sure everyone would have been happier without him. He could feel the beginnings of pain echoing in the corners of his mind and he instantly wished he could go back to not feeling a thing because this was so much worse.
All he could see was Tweek crying, shoving his jacket back at him, telling him to go, to leave, to get out of his life for good because all he did was cause pain. Fuck, Craig knew that he was the one who'd made things so bad, ever since the game had started things had gotten more and more miserable. They'd brought out the best in each other but they'd also brought out the worst. And every time Craig tried to get better he found himself falling that much further, failing to do things right, watching helplessly as his life drifted from his control.
And now Kenny was standing here and he hated that the boy knew how empty and lifeless he was inside. He'd had something, but that something had been Tweek and now Tweek was gone, cleanly cut from his life like the boy had never been there at all. With a few words, the blond had separated them without even a hope of fixing it.
Hell, he still didn't know what he'd done. Even though he'd managed to get to Stark's Pond in time to hear some of Tweek's shouting, he hadn't heard any enlightening knowledge as to what would make this better. He'd been ready to just tell Tweek that they didn't have to play the game anymore and they could quit, but Tweek hadn't wanted to listen. He'd said as much. He'd wanted things to change but Craig didn't know how he was supposed to change anything. All he could see was the slow drifting apart that had occurred between himself and Tweek over the past month and it hurt.
He wanted to lie on his back with Tweek and count the stars.
He wanted to listen to Tweek talk about aliens for hours.
Things used to make sense! It doesn't make sense anymore, it just hurts.
"Your little Tweekers used to think you were everything Craig, he would have done anything for you. And just look at you, you're fucking obsessed with him, Tucker." Sing-songing his own words, Kenny told Craig, "You'd die for him, and you'd just die if he thought you were a monster. Truth be told, you're both monsters Craig, but at least Tweeky doesn't shut himself down because of it, at least he doesn't let himself be controlled because he's afraid of himself."
"I'm not fucking afraid," Craig bit out, hating himself a little more.
"Oh but you were scared of something," Kenny insisted, grinning even though there was no joy in the expression. "You're still afraid otherwise you would have done what you've wanted to do for ages and just tell all of us to fuck off. I used to think it was funny how easily I could control you but now it's just sort of sad. You'll do anything I tell you to as long as you think even a little bit that it'll help Tweekers. You know what that is Craig, that's self-destructive, and trust me, I know all about self-destruction."
As what Kenny was saying started to sink in, Craig felt the pressure in his chest increase. "You used to hate us. You broke Cartman's nose because he pushed Tweek around a little bit, but then you went right to him and submitted yourself to his authority? You let him give you a fucking name, Craig, I might be good at leading people where I want to go but I wouldn't have been able to do half of the things I've done if you hadn't let us every. Single. Time."
He wanted to say no, he wanted to tell Kenny that he was wrong, that he was his own person and that he'd only ever done what he wanted to do, but as he thought back on it, all of the things he'd allowed himself to be pushed into, he understood. From the moment that he'd let Cartman find his own fear and push it, the moment he'd given up his own agency in this ongoing attempt to make Tweek happy, he'd already lost. The realization made him stumble back slightly away from Kenny, who almost looked like he was smiling, if it weren't for the grim yet irritated gleam in his eyes. I've let them tell me to do everything, haven't I?
"Only just now getting it, aren't you?" Kenny said bitterly, his eyes drifting towards the window. "You know Tucker, I told Tweeky exactly what Cartman was doing, I warned him what was going to happen. I don't know what I expected, but I definitely didn't expect you to cave like this. You were supposed to be a wildcard, the true game inside of this whole game, but you were boring. We told you to go and you went. Sure, you had your bits of civil disobedience but it was so tame. What happened to the Craig Tucker who gave me a black eye when I suggested you were adopted as a joke? Because whatever you are now, I don't know you."
"Do you think I liked it?" Craig's own words surprised him. He didn't want to talk to Kenny of all fucking people but he found himself speaking regardless as all of the things that had been building up started getting churned up by the boy's words. "Do you think I like letting you and that fatass use me like a fucking carpet? Do you think I wanted any of this?"
Pacing, rubbing at his chest as if that would help, Craig muttered, "I let you throw me into whatever battles you wanted, even when I wasn't prepared. I dealt with the consequences that your shitty decisions caused. I got shit for breaking school rules so that I could fight your stupid wars. I followed your game rules no matter what that meant. I fucking got married so that you people would be satisfied!"
"And every single time, you did it for Tweek," Kenny confirmed. "Everything you did, every calculation that you made, you did it for our darling little spaz with the crazy green eyes but what have those decisions brought you?" Advancing on Craig, getting in his path so the Noirette had no chance of avoiding him, Kenny got in his face and demanded, "What has that valor cost you, Fucker? You tell us that Tweek can protect himself but you're undermining all of that so tell me, what have you let happen?"
Moving till he was almost nose to nose with Kenny, Craig barked, "I let things go to shit!" The moment he'd said it, the pressure in his chest lessened, and with it, all of the pain he'd been just barely holding back crashed over him. As his whole body started to shake like he'd drunk some of Tweek's coffee, Craig muttered again, "I kept hurting Tweek. By trying to keep him safe, I only hurt him more."
Lifting his hands, Kenny said, "And finally, he sees the light. You let us push you and pull you into whatever shape we wanted and you thought that by allowing it to happen, you could keep us from doing it to Tweek, but just look at your little Barbarian, Craig. He's stronger than you now. When he wants something done, he does it. When he's frustrated, he screams, when he's upset, he cries. These days, when something hurts him, he fights back."
Stepping away from the taller boy, Kenny finished, "So tell me, Craig, what do you want?"
"I want this fucking game to end." He said it at once, there was no thought involved. "I want you to stop fucking around with my life, I want Cartman to get fucked and I never want to hear the name Feldspar again."
"What else do you want?" the other boy goaded, his eyes narrowing. "Tell me, Craig, because I already know the answer."
"I-" Clenching his fists, Craig pushed out, "I want to break up with Bebe. Fuck the alliance, fuck the girls, I'm done with this shit." The moment he said it, it was like a veil was lifted from his eyes. All of the colors in his room that had started to look so faded brightened and the thing that had been crushing him let up.
"One more Fucker, you're missing one more."
"I want Tweek back."
Kenny smirked. "Exactly." Through the pain that he felt as the weight of everything he'd done attempted to crash down around him, Craig felt determination cut through his usual apathy. He was sick of being manipulated, he was tired of letting things happen for stupid reasons, he was going to fucking do what he wanted, fuck everyone else. Fuck Cartman and fuck the game and especially fuck Kenny who'd been the one screwing things up. "Now how are you going to get him back?"
And just like that, Craig's spirit whilted once more. Because fuck, how was he going to get Tweek to be his friend again, after what he'd done, it would be a miracle if the blond even looked at him again. Swaying slightly, Craig clenched his teeth as the emotional agony he was holding back threatened to overwhelm him. He'd heard Tweek, heard him yell that he hated Craig. That wasn't exactly a debatable way of putting it, Craig wasn't sure he could just walk over to Tweek's house and expect things to get better.
As if he could read Craig's thoughts, Kenny said, "I'll admit Craig, you've gotten yourself into a mess, but I'll let you in on a little secret, I'm tired of the game as well." Turning his flat expression on Kenny, Craig waited for the boy to continue, unsure if he should even listen to the same person who'd screwed him up so much before but unable to see another choice. "In fact, I'm so tired of the game that I'm going to make sure it's over by the weekend." Giving Craig a steady look, Kenny repeated, "I'm going to end this game in five days.
"Five days," Craig repeated, knowing there was more to it than this. "What do you want from me?" he asked, at last, stiffening his back and looking down at Kenny.
"Nothing you'll like," Kenny assured him.
"Fucking tell me," Craig bit out, his non-existent patience already gone.
Taking a breath, Kenny gave Craig an unexpectedly serious expression and said, very clearly, "I want you to play the game for five more days. If you do but you play it like you should have played it a long time ago, doing what you want to do, then this game will be over in five days."
Gritting his teeth, the Noirette tugged his chullo down in favor of arguing or outright saying no. He didn't want to wait five days, he didn't want to let this sit any longer than he had to. What he wanted to do was go after Tweek, but he knew that just running after the blond wasn't going to work. On the other hand, he wasn't sure how playing this bullshit any longer was going to do anyone any good. Formulating a response, Craig slowly said, "Do I have to keep dating and listening to Cartman and all of that shit?"
"No, in fact, I encourage you to break up with Bebe, though I'd wait for a slightly more⦠Advantageous time. Maybe after we've gotten the Stick?" When Craig raised his eyebrows in suspicion, Kenny gave an easy grin. "You don't even have to fight tomorrow. I know you don't want to, so don't. Heck, if there happened to be an opportunity to do so, join a different faction." Kenny chuckled. "Just do what you want. Your little coffee bean can take care of himself, but if you want to ever make nice with him, then you're going to have to put in the legwork. Not gonna lie, it's gonna suck ass, but it'll pay off."
Breathing steadily for a moment, thinking it over, Craig finally said, "McCormick, if this doesn't work, I swear, I will fucking break your nose, just like I did to Cartman."
"And if it works," Kenny said, already backing towards the window. "Then you'll do us all a favor by never letting this happen again." Yanking the window open, sticking his head out of it as if to examine his path down, Kenny continued, "It won't look the same next time Fucker, next time the stakes will be higher, the trade-offs will be more painful. The world will start to be a little bit more real. But remember this, because this moment, what you're feeling right now. This doesn't change. This always sucks, no matter how many times you go through it."
Slipping out of the window, lowering himself till just his head was above the sill, Kenny waved once and said, "Au revoir motherfucker~" before disappearing out of sight.
Standing there for a moment, staring at his open window, Craig glanced down at Stripe, who was still huddled up at the bottom of his bed, his nose snuffling over the sheets as if looking for food. Leaning down, Craig picked up his guinea pig and held the small animal to his nose so he could look him in the eyes. "What do you think Stripe, do you think it'll work?"
Letting out a squeak, Stripe wiggled his front paws and softly butted up against Craig's head.
"Yeah, I think I'm crazy too, but I'm crazy for Tweek, so it'll be worth it?" Wrinkling his own nose, Craig muttered, "That sounded weird. But you know what I mean. We'll both be happy once Tweek is back."
That much, he knew for sure.
