Craig
You know that choking feeling you get when something is too good to be true, and suddenly you can't let yourself believe that it is so you try to sabotage it so that you don't have to deal with the disappointment?
And you know that it's real, if you could just reach out and touch it, because deep down you know what fake looks like, but at the same time, you don't remember how to open up. So instead you put up as many walls as possible between yourself and the thing that you want because it's not right to feel happy, it's not normal. Because deep down, you know that if you reach out and try to touch that glowing light, you'll screw it up and then you'll have opened yourself up for nothing.
In that moment, you lash out then you draw back, and all you're left with is this monstrous loss in your gut as you're forced to mourn the thing that could have been, but you prevented from ever existing.
Craig wished he had a word for it, he wracked his brain for one as he walked silently along the sidewalk, unable to look up from the ground. Token would have had one, some long complicated thing that would have perfectly encapsulated the inescapable feeling of pathetic self-hatred that Craig had bubbling in his gut, but Token wasn't there, and Craig couldn't have described it even if he wanted to. It seemed stupid, wanting a name for something this horrible, but Craig thought that maybe if he could name it, he could push it out of his mind for good.
It had worked with his jealousy, naming the thing so it would go away. Once Craig had been able to identify that jealousy, he'd been able to ignore it every time it cropped up. So maybe if he had a name for this too, then he'd be able to face Tweek instead of counting the cracks in the pavement like the coward he was. Or maybe he'd just end up in even more pieces because of it. Honestly, he wasn't sure if there was a difference anymore.
Remembering back to those moments, sitting in the cafeteria with his hands clenched around the edge of the table and his eyes trained on the Walkie Talkie as he tried desperately to catch every sound Tweek made, Craig wished that he could hit something. It didn't matter that he'd heard the boy just earlier that day, the very realization that Tweek had come for him just like last time made his whole body feel like it was being compressed into a space it was too big to fit into. He hadn't even needed to hear a word, he'd been able to tell just from those twitchy sounds alone.
Except it hadn't just been those sounds, because a moment later Tweek's yell of W-we need to get to Craig! Had come through the walkie talkie and Craig's heart had stopped. After all this time, after everything that he'd done, Tweek was coming for him. He'd seen Mr. Mackey's frustration, but Craig hadn't been able to stop himself from opening his mouth.
He hadn't been able to stop himself from speaking.
Tweek?
God he'd almost choked on the word. Because half of him said that Tweek wouldn't answer, and the other half said that Tweek would yell at him, get upset in some way, yet he'd still spoken because his body wouldn't let him do anything else.
And Tweek had answered.
Jesus, they'd talked. Craig wanted to dig his fingers into his own skin in frustration. They'd had a fucking conversation, without Craig managing to screw shit up, it had been progress even! For the first time in days, Craig had felt like things had returned to normal. For those precious seconds while Tweek had been talking to him over the walkie Talkie, Craig had felt okay. Hell, he'd even tried to calm Tweek down, something he hadn't done in… well, in far too long.
The feelings in his chest had just gotten to be too much. So much emotion after so many days of perpetual emptiness shouldn't have been possible, but oh hell, Tweek had been able to fuck Craig up so easily it was almost depressing. Just a few words from the boy had Craig going crazy, just wanting to see the blond, look at him and say he was sorry, say that it was going to be alright, tell him that he was done running.
And in those moments after Tweek had first burst into the cafeteria, Craig had been so fucking sure.
Ngh- C-CRAIG!
Tweek…
Feeling the knife sink a little deeper, Craig clenched his fists at his sides. Because in that second when all he'd needed to do was reach out and grab ahold of that powerful possibility of joy and comfort and just Tweek, Craig had failed. Because in the end, he hadn't done anything. He hadn't fixed a single damn thing, he hadn't quit the game, he hadn't even broken up with Bebe, all Craig had done was mope. And suddenly he was looking at Tweek and feeling terrified because if the blond saw that ugly truth, he'd hate Craig all the more.
So he'd drawn back, and he'd watched Tweek's heart break.
Now, as he walked several paces behind the blond, ignoring Kenny who was walking beside him and trying to ignore Tweek who still hadn't said a damned word, Craig wished he could stop existing. At least then he wouldn't have to deal with this fucking cowardice that had never made itself apparent until now. He'd never had a friend that made him feel like this, he'd never dealt with anyone who could evoke such emotion in him and truth be told, Craig had been terrified of the things that had raged around in his stomach in those seconds after Tweek had burst into the cafeteria.
He was fucking ten, what was he supposed to do with shit like this? God, he didn't even have a name for it and yet it hurt worse than anything. Even watching Tweek walk away from him on the banks of Stark's Pond had hurt less because at least then he'd been now, Craig could feel every single bit of that pain and anguish and it made him want to hurt something before he hurt himself. We're not warriors, we're fucking children, so why isn't it simple like it's supposed to be.
"You know Fucker~" Kenny's voice drifted through Craig's consciousness, pulling him out of his thoughts. "I really thought you two were going to fix your shit, but I guess I was terribly mistaken." Shaking his head as Craig looked up at him, his eyes dark and full of accusation, Kenny hummed, "But then, you weren't ready, were you?"
"Fuck. Off." Craig spat out, struggling to keep his voice level. Of all the times to be asked to deal with Kenny's bullshit, this was so not when he wanted to handle it. Not when Tweek could hear them and Craig was too much of a mess to shrug it off. Tweek's not supposed to affect me like this, I don't care how different he is, I don't care that I can't put him in a box and make him fit, he's not supposed to be able to make it hurt this much.
"No shade, Craig," Kenny hummed, pulling the piece of gauze off of his mouth so he could talk more clearly. "I wasn't ready either. Not for your bullshit, and definitely not for Tweeker's." Ahead of them, Tweek let out an involuntary sound before flinching horribly, making something in Craig rise up and demand that Kenny stop talking. It didn't really matter that he was too cowardly to look at Tweek, he was still going to protect the shivering blond from idiots like Kenny who didn't know when to shut up.
"McCormick, shut your goddamn mouth," Craig carefully enunciated, focusing on Kenny so that he wouldn't have to focus on Tweek. All the Princess did was raise his eyebrows slowly and give Craig one of those looks that said ever so clearly Just try and fucking stop me. Though there was no customary smirk, Kenny floated up to Tweek and threw his arm around the blonde's shoulders, forcing Craig to look in Tweek's direction.
Among other things, one detail struck the Noirette. His warpaint was a mess, and Craig fucking knew why.
Fuck…
"I put everything in line for you, I did everything I could, and it still wasn't enough. What more does the universe want from me? Might as well just hit the restart button again because last time at least you two were talking. I mean, what even is this? What happened to the two of you?" As if he didn't know, as if he hadn't laid out for Craig exactly what had happened. The Noirette's stomach twisted as Tweek let out a cry of protest, and he wished that he could make something stop. Kenny if he was lucky. It would be nice if Tweek stopped making those pained sounds, probably. Hopefully his own heart would stop too while he was at it.
As Tweek tried to throw Kenny off, the boy continued, "I mean far be it from lil' ol' me to be your couple's therapy, but shit, even Kyle isn't this angsty and we all know he's been struggling with the fact he's gay for his super best friend for years!" Clamping his arm around Tweek's shoulders a little tighter so the blond couldn't escape, the boy continued, "For instance, Craig Fucker, has anyone told you that you're the biggest fuck wit in the galaxy? And Tweeky! You're such a horribly deluded little mess, I don't even know how to begin to help you!"
Okay, that's it. Instantly, Craig opened his mouth and growled, "Will you leave him the fuck alone?"
At almost the same moment, Tweek chose that time to screech, "NGH- S-STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM LIKE THAT!"
Wait, what? Staring at Tweek with wide eyes, Craig caught the boy's gaze for a fraction of a second and in that moment, he saw a million emotions that shouldn't have been in Tweek's eyes, before the blond jerked his head around and hunched his shoulders, finally succeeding in jerking free of Kenny. "Jesus, l-let's just get this over with," Tweek mumbled, twitching hard and gripping his arms hard enough that Craig could see the white marks he was leaving behind.
Whistling through his teeth, Kenny turned back to look at Craig and raised an eyebrow before silently falling into line with Tweek, no further inflammatory remarks on their way. Craig, meanwhile, just kept staring at Tweek, trying to figure out what he was supposed to do with this. God, it was all so fucked. On one hand, Craig kept fucking up, but on the other, Tweek kept giving him chances, even though he had no reason to. So he must still care, right?
Or maybe letting go was just as hard for Tweek as it was for Craig.
Well good. Fuck, I'm not going to let this keep happening, he's miserable, he's said as much. He would talk to me, but he can't, and we're both fucking cowards for it. But at least he has a good excuse, I've got nothing. Next time he had the chance, he'd fucking do it right. Maybe he wouldn't be able to make everything better, but he wasn't going to hide any longer. I've said it, I've thought it, now I just have to do it.
Yeah. Which would totally be the easy part.
But now wasn't the time to think about it. Right now, Craig's immediate concerns involved Cartman, or more specifically, playing the stupid game. Honestly, he wasn't all that upset about it. Sure, he'd spent the past few days sulking, but to a certain extent, he'd missed running around with his friends. Even if Tweek wasn't talking to him, there was Token and Clyde and heck, all the other Humans were pretty alright too.
So when he turned into Cartman's backyard with the rest of the boys, he pushed as much of the clawing, angry, and painful feelings to the back of his mind and focused on the present. It was harder than it sounded, but then, it sounded pretty hard, so maybe Craig was being unreasonable. Thankfully, Tweek chose to vanish into the crowd of milling boys rather quickly and Token was there before Craig's mind could start down the path that Tweek's clear avoidance of him took him down.
"Finally, you're here," Token commented, though it hardly needed to be said. It was funny, half the time, he liked to point out the obvious, the other half of the time, Token's comments were so obscure Craig couldn't even begin to make heads or tails of them. There was no in between. Looking Craig up and down, the black boy instantly followed his own statement up with a softer, "You're staying at Clyde's house tonight." That was it, no suggestion, just a fact. Craig didn't disagree, he simply nodded his head once.
"Well heya F-Feldspar!" Butters said brightly, appearing beside Kenny as if from thin air. "It's been awhile since y've been around, I thought y'might've quit the game're somethin'!"
"Don't be ridiculous," Kenny chirpped, his usual princess voice sounding sinister, "Fucker thinks this game is far too important to just abandon it." As Butters started to open his mouth, and Kenny began to giggle, Craig decided that he wasn't in the mood for any bullshit and started away from them, leaving Token to huff and spin about so he could keep pace.
"Why didn't you ignore us?" Token asked bluntly, crossing his arms when Craig stopped abruptly, standing in the midst of the swell of boys, stock still. Because look where ignoring the problem got me before. But he couldn't say that, could he? Not here. Not when nothing hadn't changed. Which is why, as Craig's eyes wandered over to Tweek, who was huddling at the front of the other kids, he lied, the words slipping off his tongue a little too easily.
"Cause I wanted to play."
Token snorted, that single sound saying bullshit more effectively than any word could. Craig ignored him.
As it turned out, this was the right thing to do because Cartman chose that moment to walk out of the castle with all the pomp and circumstance of a real king, and not just a shitty replacement. At once, the boys attempted to organize themselves, all shuffling out by rank and relevance as was expected at this point. Dutifully, Craig moved to the front, Token leading the way.
Perhaps it was the universe's idea of a good joke, but somehow, Craig ended up next to Tweek. The tension that instantly sprang up was palpable and Craig had to force his eyes forward to keep them from straying in the twitchy blond's direction. It's not like it's going to do any good.
Apparently deeming them to be organized enough, Cartman raised his staff and announced, "Gentlemen, thank you for gathering here, today." Twitching his hand towards Kenny, who was standing off to the side twirling a piece of that damned wig between his thumb and forefinger, Cartman continued, "Thanks to Princess Kenny, the fairest maiden in all the land, and Tweek, our brave barbarian, our Thief has been retrieved and most of our army has been assembled."
Giving them all serious looks, Cartman continued, "I hardly think it bears repeating the reason for which we are gathered here today. I'm sure, after all, that you're all aware that the Stick of Truth has been stolen. Taken from us by the vicious Drow Elves." There was murmuring, Craig had to wonder if the sound was just pre-programmed in to these kinds of speeches, just for added effect.
Lifting his hands once more in an appeal for calm, Cartman continued, "But now! It is time for us to take back that which is rightfully ours!" From beside Craig, Tweek let out an involuntary sound. Every cell in Craig's body wanted to just look at Tweek, in an attempt, perhaps, to calm him, but he resisted. He knew better than anyone that it would only make things worse. I need to talk to him, until then, staring at him is only going to make it harder.
Oblivious to Craig's inner thoughts, Cartman dramatically said, "A carrier Raven has come with news that the Stick of Truth has not yet been taken to the Elven Forest." Another bout of murmuring, then, "It is in the possession of… The Bard"
Jimmy?
Scott Malkinson gasped. "The Bard?!"
Unexpectedly, or perhaps entirely expectedly, Tweek let out a shriek. "Oh GOD! Ngh- not the Bard!"
From near Kenny, Butters stumbled forward and insisted, "B-but the Bard's got all them mercenaries on 'is side an' stuff~ An' he's really strong! How're we supposed to get somethin' back from him?"
Stepping out from the rest of the boys, Token cleared his throat and plainly said, "To be fair, Grand Wizard, the Bard is not someone we can just thumb our noses at. He might have once been a mere mercenary, but make no mistake, he's a full Drow Elf now and has quite a bit more power than you might expect. It would be dangerous to attempt to take him on."
Cartman crossed his arms and huffed, clearly not happy with the answer he'd received. "Do I look like I care?" he asked, one eyebrow raising.
As Tweek let out another shriek of fear, Craig decided to put his own two cents in. "It would be suicide," he stated bluntly.
Kenny giggled. "As if you'd know what that looked like, Fu- sorry, Tucker."
Glaring at everyone, Cartman spoke over the remaining dissension and said, "Regardless, if the carrier ravens are correct, the Bard is hiding out at the Inn of the Giggling Donkey. We must find him before he's able to take the Stick of Truth to the Elven Forest, and ultimately, Kyle."
Before anyone could step in and argue, Cartman quickly said, "Not everyone will be coming with us, of course, many of you must go out and reinforce the boundaries we've worked hard to set in place. I won't lose progress just because of a little… accident." He said the word like there was something behind it. "Those of you who will be coming will only be my most trusted." Lifting his chin, Cartman added, "Also, I have elected to come as well. This must be handled with precision, I won't have this smoke kindling into a fire."
Instantly recognizing that he was one of those 'most trusted', Craig stopped listening. Instead, he finally gave into the almost irrepressible urge to turn and look at Tweek. The boy was breathing shallowly, anyone could have seen that, but Craig could instantly tell he was trying his best to keep it under control. Is he trying to prove himself to me?Something new sank in his stomach, and Craig wanted to groan. Tweek should know better than to believe he needed to prove anything to Craig. But maybe he'd put a little more stock in that belief than he should have.
"Craig, we're leaving." Turning quickly towards the expectant Token, Craig muttered a soft curse under his breath before following the boy, trying to ignore the shuffling sounds of Tweek behind him as the blond finally lurched into action himself.
As they walked, Craig attempted to pull himself together. It was harder than it should have been, but also easier than he'd expected. Even though there was a lot weighing down on him, if he focused on this one task, retrieving the fucking stick and placating Cartman, it became a little easier to tune out the feelings that threatened to crush him. Tweek, for some reason, stuck near to him, even though neither of them acknowledged the presence of the other. Maybe it was some sort of habit that was hard to shake, but Craig hoped that chalking it up to another sign that Tweek hadn't let go wasn't too far off the mark.
Beside him, Token was silent, that thoughtful expression on his face as usual. Though Craig didn't pretend to be an expert in reading people, he would have likened the look to one he'd have related to someone trying to do an equation in their head. Except Token would have been able to put something that simple together in a moment, so something wasn't lining up. When does life ever, though?
Catching Craig's eye, Token straightened and hummed under his breath before saying, "Clyde's not here." At the words, Craig started and looked around. He hadn't noticed the boy's absence until that moment. He'd been too focused on his own problems with Tweek. But now that Token mentioned it, Craig realized he was right. Among the small group of people Cartman had brought, Clyde did not feature.
"He hasn't texted me," Craig said instantly, remembering how Clyde had specifically said he was playing the game today and furrowing his brows at the thought. "Do you know what-"
"No," Token answered, before he could even finish the question. "But Kenny knows." How the boy had figured this one out, Craig had no idea. Something was clearly amiss, but for the life of him, the Noirette couldn't divert enough mental energy to figure out what that thing was. He's probably fine, right? It was Clyde, he was always fine.
"So?" Craig asked at last, unsure what else he was supposed to say. "Kenny knows everything, he's full of shit." It was the usual answer he had when it came to anything to do with Kenny. Considering all the shit he'd had to deal with over the past few days concerning the boy, Craig felt it was appropriate. Token, however, seemed to be more than ready to call out the taller boy's bullshit today.
Giving him one of those raised eyebrows, a look that very clearly said, and you're not? Token cleared his throat before carefully stating, "He can't be both of those things Craig, and I think we both know which one he isn't." Lifting his head once more and scanning their surroundings, the black boy continued, "Something happened, and I doubt we're about to find out what."
Remembering what Token had said earlier, Craig shrugged as easily as he could and said, "I'm staying over at his house tonight. I'll ask him." Once again, Token hummed, but he didn't disagree with Craig's words, which was at least a little bit comforting. It meant that despite whatever flaws Token had managed to find with Craig's solution, he was satisfied that it would get the job done. Well if you can think of something better, do it yourself.
As they followed Cartman and the others across the street, Tweek letting out a nervous yelp as they did so, Token at last opened his mouth again. "You left your ring at my house last week." It was a complete change of topic, and it took Craig a moment to catch up. His attempts weren't helped by the fact that Tweek's breath hitched at the words. Even when he wasn't right next to the Noirette, Craig found him very very distracting.
But after a moment's puzzling, because goodness knew Token wasn't about to give out any clues, something slipped into place and the light came on. The mood ring. Bebe. My girlfriend. Ah shit. "Oh," he muttered, scuffing his sneakers along the ground. Letting out a breath, Craig rolled his neck slightly and said, "I guess I did."
A soft chuckle. "You're predictable." Whatever that was supposed to mean. After a moment more of silence, which was filled by Tweek's soft noises as the boy stumbled along behind them, Token spoke again. "You never wear it."
That didn't take any thought. "No, not really."
"Rrr- B-bebe never wears her's either!"
Craig had to fight to keep moving, because at the sound of Tweek's voice directed at him, everything in him sort of froze up. Judging by the panicked sounds that quickly tumbled out of the blond, he hadn't thought he was going to say anything either. As he let half of his brain short-circuit over the fact that Tweek had spoken, Craig attempted to focus on what the boy had actually said. Bebe doesn't wear the ring? Heh, I don't blame her, it's stupid. But at the same time, Craig almost felt some measure of relief run through him, the thought that Bebe didn't take the whole thing seriously either.
As though Tweek's addition into the conversation had been entirely anticipated, Token smoothly followed up with, "No, she doesn't." Staring at Craig with those unnervingly calculating eyes, Token waited for a beat before saying, "In fact, I don't think she ever planned on wearing it either."
With a terrible and impressive air of finality, Token said, "But then, neither did you."
From the front of the group, Cartman called, "Token, there are things I need to discuss with you! Your presence is required."
Shooting the Noirette one last meaningful look, the black boy shrugged and said, "I hope we get the Stick back," before striding forward to where Cartman was. All Craig could do was stare after him, lost in the implications of everything that Token had said.
One way or another, he realized, things were coming to an end. It was just up to him to make sure that end was as painless as possible.
