Craig

"Inside the desk?" Ryan asked Craig, his tone skeptical.

"Yep," Craig confirmed.

"Do you think Cartman's going to realize that our desks don't have insides?" Daniel asked, leaning on his Jew staff as he stared up at the school, which looked mildly opposing against the mountainous background.

"Nope," Craig answered flatly, noting the quivering green shadows that kept moving in the windows and rolling his eyes.

"Where's Tweek?" asked Jesse, nervously bouncing about behind Terry, who had a suspicious expression on his face as he too watched the Elves.

Craig was silent for a moment, and his breathing hitched as he thought of the worried blond and those fucking green eyes that always seemed just a little bit too open. You'll be fine with Bebe, she's not going to bite, you know that, Craig had said as he'd shepherded the boy towards the girl's house, one of the Noirette's hoodies keeping him warm and his thermos clutched between his small hands. It's okay, I'll be back, it's just a dumb battle, you won't miss anything.

B-but what about Clyde! Tweek had squeaked, his lower lip trembling. Craig had known that the boy was close to tears, but there hadn't been much he could do about it. He had a job to do for Clyde, and he didn't want to involve Tweek any more than he had to, not with how vicious the other boys could be. And w-what if you get hurt?

I won't, is what Craig had said, even though he couldn't be sure, and even though it wasn't particularly helpful. I'll be back.

"He's with Bebe," Craig said at last, his flat voice as calm as ever. When the other boys gave him looks, Craig huffed and said, "Just because you break up with a girl doesn't mean you have to hate her. She's not horrible, she's pretty alright." Daniel raised a finger.

"Does he know what's going on?" Damn people for being perceptive. Clenching his jaw, Craig turned away and was tempted to ignore the question, then he caught William's cool gaze, and he realized that he wasn't going to be able to get away with this one.

"No, he doesn't," Craig answered shortly. There were several sounds of disquiet from the boys around him, and Craig didn't blame them. These boys were the ones that had stuck with both him and Tweek for months now, they were just as loyal to the blond spaz as they were to Craig, which was a good thing, and yet it was also an inconvenience. "Look, he's safe, so fuck off."

"What're y'all talkin' about?" Turning, Craig found the happy and slightly breathless Butters coming upon Craig and the large contingent of soldiers with him. Behind him was a predictably arguing Cartman, Kenny, and Token, as well as the rest of the Human faction, who had all turned out for this fight. Craig didn't react to the question, he just shrugged his shoulders slightly as if displacing the question.

"We were discussing strategy," he said easily, the word catching Token's attention, who looked up from his argument to give Craig one of those unreadably suspicious looks that very accurately said that the black boy thought he was full of bullshit. Of course, Craig was. In reality, he'd been telling some of the humans he trusted most about the plan that he'd been slowly hatching. It wasn't necessarily the neatest affair, but it didn't have to be, it just had to work.

If all when to plan, Craig and Chris Donnelly were going to defect together, and with them, they were going to bring as many Elves and Humans as possible. All of them would join Clyde's side, and then they'd take down their old factions under one, uniting banner. It wasn't perfect, heck, it was actually kind of idealistic, but it should work, and that's all that Craig cared about. As long as I can get people for Clyde's side, then I'll have succeeded. Thinking of Tweek, who had no idea he was defecting or that Clyde had a side at all or anything, Craig's stomach turned, but he consoled himself with the knowledge that at least this way, Tweek wouldn't be harmed.

If the Humans or the Elves won, then Tweek would be safe. If Clyde won, then together Clyde and Craig could protect Tweek. It made a surprising amount of sense, and Craig liked it when things shuffled out neatly like they were doing at that moment.

But, as Cartman huffed and puffed his way through Craig's group and to the front of the crowd of boys so he could look up at the school, the Noirette had a feeling that things weren't going to stay uncomplicated. Everything felt too dramatic, too staged, and Craig was struck with the sudden wish that he could have just stayed with Tweek at Bebe's house, or better yet, stayed with him at the blond's. Maybe Red Racer would still be on. They could just sit on the couch and comfortably do nothing together, without the rest of this bullshit.

"DEFENDERS OF FREEDOM!" Yeah, that's not going to happen, is it? Shaking himself, pretending that he didn't feel strangely unguarded without Tweek beside him, Craig straightened and looked to Cartman, who was standing before the crowd with his hands raised. "Thank you for you courage, and your audacities in joining our fight!" From the corner of his eye, Craig caught the way Token rolled his eyes.

As the boy continued to give his speech, Craig tuned him out, already bored. Around him, the other Humans were grim faced, bitter and tired. In that way, he supposed, the Goths in their viking getup with their cigarette stained fingers fit right in. Jesus, this game has lasted for way too long, it should have ended ages ago. How did we let it get this out of hand?

Very easily, actually. It had consumed their lives, as most drama in South Park tended to do, and Craig felt like he was coming out of a dream even now as more layers of the infernal insanity became clear. I'm never letting this happen again, I hate it when those assholes do anything, if I play, I'm helping them. All in all, fourth grade was giving him a headache.

"TONIGHT WE UNITE AS ONE!" Cartman yelled, pulling Craig's attention back to him for a moment.

"I feel like such a homosapien right now," Michael commented, leaning on his cane-turned-battle ax.

"That's because you are," Russell pointed out, looking at the Goth suspiciously.

"It was a- Ugh, whatever, you conformists wouldn't get it anyway," the Goth groaned in disgust. From where he stood near the front, Craig could hear Butters snickering.

"THE HUMANS ARE HERE!" As one, most of the army looked up to find an Elf peeking his head out of the window above them. Craig couldn't recognize the boy for sure, but he was pretty sure he'd seen the kid during the infamous forest battle he and Tweek had fought together. From another window, a second Elf stuck his head out and blew a paper mache horn that squeaked weakly.

"Oooh, they blew their horn," Cartman muttered in malicious irritation. "Blow ours, Butters!" Stumbling forward, the bleach-blond boy pulled out the horn that they had only really started using since Cartman had gotten into the game and gave it a blow, which resulted in an off-key screech that made several other boys cringe.

Slamming his staff against the ground, Cartman yelled, "EVERYONE TO YOUR POSITIONS! WE WILL TAKE THE STICK BACK FROM THE WICKED DROW ELVES ONCE AND FOR ALL!"

As the kids streamed forward and broke around the building, Craig locked eyes with Token, nodded once, and broke away, heading for the other side of the school. Putting a hand on a knife, even though he hoped he wouldn't be using it much, Craig followed the other Humans towards the alley of the school, where they were trying at entrances, trying to find a way in. Naturally, the Elves had done what any sensible army would do and had barricaded themselves inside, but to Craig, that sounded like child's play.Tweek's house is harder to get into.

"Hey Fucker, having fun yet?" Hardly reacting at all, Craig turned his head and resisted the urge to pull his knife on Kenny, who to be honest probably deserved getting hurt a lot more than most of the Elves they'd be facing. Flipping the boy off, Craig earned himself a laugh from the Princess, who kept looking at the dark clouds as if expecting something to happen. "Ah, well, I'm sure it's just not the same without your little Barbarian around."

"Lady McCormick I swear-" Craig started, only for Kenny to put a finger to his lips and raise an eyebrow.

"No no Craig, I agree with you, I don't think Tweekers should be fighting anymore either, but leaving him behind? Well-" He shrugged. "Whatever, as they say, floats your boat." Pulling his hand away from Craig, the Princess looked to the school and pointed at the faculty entrance. "As long as you do your part in helping me bring down this game, I don't give a shit what you do."

Jerking away from the boy, Craig's gaze darkened, but he didn't bother to answer Kenny. Spinning, Craig looked at the other boys around him and called, "Alright, you heard the Princess, we've got a way in. Let's fuck 'em up." As the boys rallied around him, Craig pushed into the mess hall and coughed as a cloud of foul smelling smoke met him.What did they do in here? It smelled like… Well, he would have said it smelled like the alien ship, but he was hoping that it was just his imagination.

Sweeping the area through squinted eyes, Craig caught sight of Henrietta and Firkle who were standing in the corner of the cafeteria's kitchen, looking generally disgusted with their surroundings. Henrietta was attempting to pick bits of cornmeal out of her hair while Firkle wiped green goo off of his front. So I was right. Fuck, let's hope we don't have to deal with anymore of it.

As a plume of smoke filtered up through the vents, Craig caught sight of several moaning Elves and raised an eyebrow at the two Goth kids, who were doing as they usually did in lighting their respective cigarettes. "What?" Henrietta asked, that valley girl accent going strong. "Look, your Princess asked us to clear the way, so… we did."

"I am death, destroyer of worlds," Firkle supplied helpfully, lifting his small battle ax, which, if Craig wasn't mistaken, was totally real. You see, this is why we don't like them…Shaking off his possible problems with their methods, Craig looked behind him at the other boys filtering in.

"Alright, they're right, they did handle it." Looking over at Brandon, who was carefully examining the door to the rest of the school and working at picking the lock, Craig said, "You know how this is going to work. We need to get into the main body of the school to let the others in the front, then, we draw as many Elves as possible away from Kyle, so that the Grand Wizard can get the Stick." Taking a deep breath after his long winded explanation, Craig flatly added, "That was a whole lot of fuck all, but our end goal is the gym."

"Let's get them!" Jack yelled from the back, which, naturally, resounded better. The other Humans cheered, and as Brandon held the door, the rest of them poured into the dark cafeteria. Almost instantly Craig heard shouts as the Elves that had been lying in wait attacked. At the front of the pack like he was, Craig instantly reacted, rolling to the side just in time to avoid the jet of water that shot through them.

"What the hell?" yelled one of the Humans,

"That's boiling oil, in your fucking face," an Elf answered, one Craig recognized as Connor. "You're dead now!"

"That's complete crap!" Ryan yelled back, which prompted the Elf to call something back. Craig just took stock of the other Elves and the convenient tables that they'd pulled over.

"No it isn't, it's totally in the rules~!" Connor snapped back, even as Craig judged how hard it would be to just scale the obstacle. "Boiling oil is totally a thing, you can't say otherwise, that's not fair!"

"Yeah, we'll it's not fair that you came up with it in the first place!"

There was a cloud of pink and purple, and as a feminine giggle solidified beside Craig in the form of Kenny McCormick, the Princess asked, "Is this the best you're going to do Fucker? I thought you'd already be at the front doors~"

"Are you going to spend the whole night making stupid comments, or are you actually going to do something?" Craig asked, impatient.

Grinning, Kenny cooed, "Oh, I thought you'd never ask." Attitude hardening, Kenny suddenly darted towards the table, his bow already drawn and an arrow notched. Taking a flying leap over the cafeteria table, Kenny sailed over to the Elves' side, a killer grin on his face. As the boys started to notice what was going on, the Princess called, "Oh hello boys~" before letting loose with his arrow, hitting Connor in the head. As the Elves figured out that something was happening, Craig huffed. Well someone's got to do it.

With a surprising amount of grace, though nowhere close to as much as Kenny, Craig vaulted over the table as well and landed in front of the Princess, catching the sword meant for the sandy-blond and stumbling back a pace because of it. Gritting his teeth, the Noirette drew his own blades and said, "You know McCormick, someday you're not going to do stupid things."

As he struck, knocking the boy off of his feet and into one of the many standing puddles of water, Kenny called, "Oh, but this is so much more fun, I can see why Tweeky is justenamored by you Tucker, you're really a force to be reckoned with."

"Kenny, I swear to god-" Craig started, striking the other Elf that came for him while the other humans took on the other few that were in the cafeteria, "One day, I'm going toend you."

"I look forward to that day Craig," Kenny said, before waving a gloved hand and calling, "Now I'm going to go find the Grand Wizard before he throws another temper tantrum, have fun~!" As the boy vanished, Craig cursed under his breath and took out the Elf that had tried to attack him with several solid strikes to the kidneys and one good punch to the gut. Goddamnit, I want Tweek here. Why did I have to let him leave.

"Follow the Princess!" Craig called instead, driving any and all thoughts of the blond from his head. "Get her to Cartman, we need to get things moving. Come on, they're just Elves."

Suddenly, there was a crackling from overhead and the voice of Kyle came from the PA system. "I see all of you, you're not going to get past us! You are fighting for the wrong side, you're never going to beat us, and Cartman's a fat liar. Lay down your weapons now, do it while you can." Flipping of the speakers, Craig was distinctly glad when Terry threw a flaming tennis ball at the thing, cracking it and killing Kyle's voice.

"What," the boy said with a shrug when Daniel and William looked at him. "We needed a new one anyway, I'm just doing them a favor." Rolling his eyes, Craig lead the boys towards the exit of the cafeteria, his eyes locked on the disappearing Kenny.

The moment they were out in the hallway, Craig heard the sounds of fighting and twisted his head. Pointing in the direction where it was coming from, Craig said, "Alright, I want some of you to go with Lady McCormick but the rest of you follow me! Remember, divert and distract, we don't have all the time in the world. Token and the other leaders are going to handle Kyle, we're just here to make sure that most of the Elves are occupied."

From the other end of the hallway, Kenny turned around and saluted Craig before vanishing, several of Craig's force breaking away to go with the boy. Though the hallway was dark, the Noirette knew what that motion had meant. It was a pleasure working with you, but here is where we part ways. Well, it was. Kenny wasn't wrong, if he did this right, this would be the last fucking time that he had to fight these people.

It would be the last time he had to fight for Cartman ever again.

Running towards the gym, where the sounds of the fighting were coming from, Craig and the other Humans broke into the room to a scene of melee and chaos. The lights were off, the only light seemed to be coming from the windows, and even that was dimming due to the clouds outside. There were boys everywhere, most of the Elves and the Humans if Craig was correct. All of them were fighting viciously, the entire gym turned into little more than a battleground.

Around him the boys he'd brought piled into the fight, adding their yells of anger and rage to the cacophony that was already there. Craig cursed under his breath and dodged the arrow that flew at him as he made his way towards the stands, which were also full of boys, all locked in combat. Ducking and rolling, attempting to keep out of the fight, Craig tried to see a way through, tried to see a lull in the fighting. All he could think was that these people didn't actually hate each other, they just hated Cartman or Kyle enough to side with one of them over the other.

This is stupid. At least Clyde makes sense. He's been through shit, so he's fighting it. But this? This is just bullshit, none of this has a purpose. That was why he was here, though. That's why he was bothering. Because if he could just get these kids to realize how stupid this whole game was, then-

"DIE HUMAN SCUM!" Lifting his knife quickly, Craig darted upwards into the stands as a fifth grade Elf attacked him, his sword raised. His own counterattacks proving useless, Craig allowed the boy push him up in the direction that he wanted to go. I know him. Fuck, maybe not well, but what the hell are we doing?

"Dude, Nathan," Craig muttered flatly, defending himself against each attack. "I know you, you live just down the street from me. What the fuck?" Cape fluttering, Craig danced backwards, still climbing higher. "You're not an Elf, you're just a kid, I'm just a kid. Why are you calling me filth?"

Obviously, his advanced knowledge of where this was going was lost on the kid, who just looked at him like he was crazy. "You guys are the ones who think we have the Stick when we don't!" Nathan yelled, swinging his sword like mad. "YOU'RE ALL JUST HUMAN FILTH!"

"Our stupid ass leader things you have the Stick, I happen to not think a damn thing. I just want to go home!" With a grunt, Craig knocked the boy backward, topping him. He tumbled down several stairs, yelling as he went. Tipping his chin up, Craig called, "So why don't you do your fucking homework before thinking that we're anything like Cartman."

"Well, you've got to admit you're all kind of dicks." Abruptly, his thoughts were cut short as someone hit him in the back hard, the force enough to bruise him. Fighting to keep his balance, Craig turned to find a grinning Chris Donnelly, who leveled his sword at Craig and continued, "Come on Craig Tucker, one last fight. For the sake of old times."

Lifting both of his blades, Craig said, "Well, Chris Donnelly, it takes one to know one, doesn't it?" before attacking. Even though they were supposedly fighting, Craig felt the camaraderie as they clashed, the way they moved and the way neither of them tried to actually kill the other. Their movements felt something like a dance, and Craig had to admit, despite everything, the boy was an excellent fighter, and he was ready to have him on the same side, instead of on the opposing team.

"You ready to change some minds Craig?" Chris asked, his sword flashing as it connected with Craig's side. Ducking in before dancing around the boy, Craig landed a strike on Chris' back before snorting.

"I don't know if anyone's mind needs to be changed, I'm just saying what we're all thinking," Craig told the boy, his blue eyes alight and dangerous as he avoided retribution in the form of Chris Donnelly's deadly strikes. "But yeah, I'm tired of working for these fuckers, I'm ready for it to be over."

"It's a good thing you said that, because if you hadn't, I probably would have really tried to kill you," Chris joked. "As it is-" He turned, and suddenly he hollered, "Jason, the lights~!" There was a crackle, and the dark gym was thrown into bright light that made all the boys in the room stop for a moment so they could blink and try to adjust to the change. "Yeah, I'm ready to go when you are."

Having had the foresight to not look up at the lights, plus having the benefit of his chullo to somewhat protect him from the harsh glare, Craig nodded once before standing on the highest seat of the stadium and lifting an arm. "HEY! ELVES AND HUMANS, LOOK OVER HERE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!"

From the fighting, there came a collective sound as the boys all turned to look at Craig, who to be honest hadn't thought past this point. Scanning the sea of people, each one of them dressed like a fucking renaissance fair enthusiast, Craig clenched the hand at his side and continued, "Fucking finally." Taking a breath, he continued, "What the hell are you guys doing?"

There was a general chorus of fighting because of course they were, what kind of stupid question was that. Ah Christ, I'm not good at giving pep-talks. Stealing himself, Craig fired back, "Yeah, obviously you guys are fighting, but why the hell are you fighting. Why are you doing this? Why are you doing any of it?" Feeling his own frustration well up, Craig found himself flatly shouting, "All we do is fight, this whole fucking game has been nothing but one big war, and all for what? So Cartman and Kyle can figure out who's the bigger dick? Have any of you stopped to think about how stupid this is?"

"What are you trying to do!?" an Elf yelled up at him, his voice joined by several humans, who were confused as to why their leader was saying things like this. Fuck, I'm not good at this, what am I trying to do? "Come on, just let us fight!"

"Oh fuck off Charles, the only reason you want to fight is because you're still salty about the fact that one of the Humans set your hair on fire last week," Chris called, moving to stand beneath Craig.

"Hey, it's not my fault that you got in the way of my fireball," Terry said stubbornly.

Clearing his throat, Craig interrupted, "Look at us! Fuck, we're throwing fire and shit at each other for a stupid feud that none of us even understand. What are we doing? Why are we doing this?"

"It used to be fun," ventured a buck-toothed third grader from beside Daniel.

"Yeah, it used to be," Craig agreed. How am I supposed to turn this around. Fuck. "But it's not fun anymore. It's nothing but a load of bullshit." Clenching his fist tighter, Craig struggled to put his churning thoughts into words until he was pretty sure that nothing made sense anymore. What was I going to say before?Did I even have a plan? Closing his eyes, Craig tried to find something that would make sense.

"What about the battle though?" called an Elf from below him. "What about the Stick of Truth?"

"Yeah!" yelled a Human. "What are you trying to get at?"

Eyes flying open, Craig suddenly found himself staring at Tweek. Those bright green eyes locked with his, and Craig felt a surge of peace. Because it wasn't just Tweek who calmed down when Craig patted his hair or just held his hand, it was the Noirette too. Tweek kept him centered, he kept Craig from locking up, he kept him moving. He kept him feeling, instead of just letting things fly past him. If Tweek had been here, he would have been able to speak.

So Craig pretended that the blond was there, and opened his mouth.

"This game has pushed us around for months," Craig said clearly, his flat voice ringing out over the gym. "We bleed and we die for imaginary factions in a made up game, we move because we're told to, we hate because we're told that hating is the right thing to do. Well guess what, that's all bullshit, it's not true. There's nothing there, we're just flailing around, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of this shit."

Looking down at Chris, who raised his eyebrows at him as if encouraging him, Craig took a breath and continued, "I got pushed into fucking marrying someone. And I don't care if it was fake, I still had to date her, and I didn't want to. But I did it for a made up game, all because we were trying not to lose territory? When was the last time you guys got to walk around without getting shot at? Does anyone even remember what boring feels like?"

As loudly as he could manage, Craig yelled, "I'm fucking sick of this game, and I'm fucking sick of the rules and the stupid shit that they make us do! I'm ready for this fucking thing to end."

"I agree," Chris Donnelly said, stepping forward and sheathing his sword. "I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of the bullshit, and I'm tired of pretending that I'm having fun while doing it."

"So what are you suggesting?" an Elf asked, his question mimicked by those around him. "We're too far into this to just stop, Cartman 'n Kyle are going to keep fighting, no matter what we do."

Taking a deep breath, Craig dipped his head and said, "Yeah, they're going to keep fighting, because someone has the Stick, and they want it back." Grabbing at his belt, Craig found the small butter knife that he'd managed to keep with him through these months of playing, the one he'd taken from Token, the one he'd first fought Tweek with when everything had been light and fun, and he found his voice. "But guess what, neither of them have the Stick. Someone else has it, someone who's going to bring this game down to its knees."

Fiercely, Craig said, "Earlier this week, Clyde Donovan got thrown out of the Human faction because he lost the Stick to the Elves. It was bullshit, and Cartman knew it, but he did it anyway." Searching the faces of those around him, Craig continued, "But guess what, unlike most of us, Clyde didn't just sit down and take it. Instead, he made his own faction, and he's going to take down the Elves and the Humans with it."

As everyone started to break into muttering, Craig raised his voice and called, "Clyde has the Stick of Truth, and he's going to use it to take Cartman and Kyle down, and I for one, am going to fucking help him, because he's my fucking friend and I'm sick of fighting my friends!"

"Look around you!" Chris called, his own voice carrying alongside Craig's. "You guys are friends. I know you are! Even if you don't think you are anymore, you used to dick around with each other and have fun, but you've been torn apart over a fucking game. So stop acting like assholes and stop being Elves and Humans."

Lifting the butter knife, Craig evenly said, "I'm joining Clyde, and Chris is joining as well. Come with us. Help us take down both of those sons of bitches, and let's just go back to being friends again. Life is complicated enough without this shit."

For a moment, the kids beneath him were silent, and Craig half expected them to just start fighting again, after all, he wasn't good at this whole posisitivity thing, but then Daniel crossed his arms and stepped forward, his chin tipped up and his cool eyes trained on Craig. "You already know I'm joining," the boy said, his voice ringing out clearly. "I'm tired of this, and I think that joining Clyde has a lot more potential. You have my support."

From near where the light switch had been tripped, Jason stepped forward and pulled off the fake Halloween Elf ears. "Yeah, I'm sick of Kyle's shit. I'm going with you guys." Watching them both carefully, he added, "I think that Clyde knows what it's like to be in our shoes, and I think that he'll be more sympathetic to us. Though, that's just my interpretation of it."

Then, as Craig watched, the rest of the kids started disengaging fully from the fight, each one throwing up their own version of a concession. Soon the voices mingled and overlapped as everyone called for the downfall of Cartman, Kyle, and the rest of the bullshit excuse for a game they were playing. Though Craig didn't smile, he tipped his head up and stuck his chest out, trying to look strong for these boys that were willing to fight for Clyde and him.

"Now what?" Brandon asked, his voice carrying above the other kids. "Where do we go from here?"

Looking down at Chris, Craig lifted an eyebrow and said, "Well, I'd say we ditch this shithole and head over to Clyde's house. Because he's got a fan-fucking-tastic Castle, and I'm tired of flimsy plywood and tents."

Looking around him, as the other kids cheered and started heading out of the doors of the gym, which were being held open by an Elf and Jack, Craig had a vivid flash of green eyes cross his mind, and he felt his chest tighten in assurance. This is what I'm supposed to do, Craig thought, his heartbeats audible in his ears. This is how the game is going to end.

Not with Kyle or Cartman on top.

But with their downfall.

"You look happy," Chris commented, having waited for Craig to come out of his reverie. "I didn't know you could do that."

"Yeah well," Craig rolled his shoulders and tugged his chullo down over his forehead. "I'm just glad it's going to be over."

And he was, and he was confident that Tweek would be also.