Craig
"So here I am, ass hanging out, dangling from the rafters of the church with Brandt hanging from my ankle, feeling like I'd somehow turned into the latest Christmas star, and Tweek motherfucking Tweak is aiming that Mongorian bow of his and you know how scary that shit is, and I'm asking myself, which way am I going to go out?" Chris Donnelly spread his hand wide as the other boys laughed, amused by his retelling of the battle at Church Hill. "I don't need another black eye, and I'm determined to survive this, so I have to do something."
Leaning against one of the railing posts that stood like a gate to the upper levels, Craig shifted his crossed legs and pulled his chullo down over his forehead. He hadn't been part of the battle they were talking about, he'd been elsewhere, but Tweek had been there, and that was enough to keep him listening to the conversation.
"Come on, you guys were winning that battle, if you got mortally wounded it wouldn't have ended anything!" Jack insisted, scoffing and shoving at Chris, who pushed back with a laugh.
"I didn't know that. You guys were taking us out left and right. Who knew how many people were left!" the boy insisted, shaking his head. "Cut me a little slack."
Jason snorted. "Considering the carnage you were leaving behind, can you really blame him? We're lucky he wasn't shiting his pants in fear." There was another bout of laugher, and Chris let out a cry of protest that was followed up by Terry throwing something at Jason, who swatted it away.
"That's no laughing matter, I'll have you know. You know what a scary motherfucker Tweek can be when he's got that bow in his hands," repeated Chris, still grinning. "But here I am, wondering how I want to go, and then Tweek fires the damn thing, and I have all of one second to make up my mind and it's either me or my pride, and considering what you did to my pants Ryan, one of those things had already been destroyed."
"Oh, and did I mention that he never asked my opinion on any of this?" Brandt asked, gesturing with his sword. "No, I'm just screaming at him not to move the whole time, but does he listen? Of fucking course he doesn't."
Chris Donnelly shrugged. "It was me or not me, and I chose the obvious answer. So I let go of the rafter."
The whole group broke into raucous laughter, and Craig hunched his shoulders in response. Way to act like a moody asshole. Considering everything that had happened in the past twenty-four hours, he felt like he had a right to be. It wasn't like Clyde was around to talk to, and past that, he didn't see any reason in pretending to be into things when he just wasn't.
Part of him wished that Tweek was there, the rest of felt like shit for wishing this on anyone. Even after what Clyde had said, there was still a large part of him that hated the idea of involving Tweek at all. Fuck, I'm probably not supposed to think like that.
"You think that's funny?" Chris was asking, raising his voice so it could be heard above the other boys. "One moment I'm falling, and the next I landed in that baptismal tub of holy water they keep back there and let me tell you, that shit is cold and unpleasant. I still feel blessed." Remembering Tweek after that battle, the black eye he'd gotten, and the bloody nose, Craig sighed. He'd been annoyed that they hadn't let him go fight that day, but he'd been proud of Tweek for holding his own.
So what am I now?
Too damn introspective, that's what.
Shooting to his feet abruptly, Craig tugged his cloak around him and headed for the door, needing to get out. It's almost over, this won't last forever. From below, Chris Donnelly called, "Where you headed to Craig? Does Clyde need something?"
Shaking his head, feeling off balance in that particular way that only occured when he didn't have Tweek around him, Craig called, "It's nothing," before pushing out of the room. Staring down and out over the rest of the castle, Craig finally sucked a long, calming breath into his lungs. Listening to the others talk about the past like that was making his head feel clouded. After everything, the stories felt distorted, and his brain was fuzzy enough without that extra layer of bullshit to confuse him further.
It made him miss Tweek. He was sick of feeling sick, and he was tired of being tired. Though he kept telling himself that it wouldn't last forever, it sure felt like it would. After today, the game will be done. Which sounded great, but in reality only made the minutes crawl by slowly enough to make his head hurt. Absently, he watched the gate guard argue with someone he couldn't see as he wondered, will it end? Or will I have to put up with more of this hell?
"How dare you treat a lady like this! I'm appalled!" At the sound of that high voice, Craig sighed and for a moment allowed his forehead to smack the railing he was leaning on before quickly straightening and starting down the various ladders of the castle as he moved towards the ground. "Oh, so now you get to tell me what side I'm on? I'm sorry, I don't recall anyone making you the holder of the Stick, or am I mistaken?"
"Look," the unfortunate sixth grader attempted to reason, his hands held up in surrender. "The Lord of Darkness told me not to let anyone in, unless they were a member. I'm sorry, but-"
"Oh, so no one's allowed to be a traitor?" Princess Kenny snapped, his falsetto conveying just how dramatically irritated he was. "I knew that our darling Donovan was taking on idiots, but I thought that he'd have slightly higher standards than this."
"Hey, do you want to die fourthy?" the sixth-grader snapped, obviously losing his patience.
"Hey, do you want to die fourthy?" Kenny mimicked, lowering his voice in a deliberately insulting pantomime of the sixth grader. "I have fewer brain cells than the zombies, and I'm going to take it out on everyone else because that's what I know how to do."
"Oi-!"
"Lady McCormick, someday, you're going to get your neck broken," Craig commented, hiding the fact that he was breathing heavily after having booked it down here before Kenny was murdered due to his own inability to keep his mouth shut.
"As if you'd know what that's like, Fucker," Kenny quipped, eyes glittering.
Ignoring the comment, Craig turned to the sixth grader and said, "Let her through, she's with us." Grumbling, the boy allowed Kenny to pass him. As he drifted past in his ripped dress and perfect makeup, Kenny giggled and tossed the boy a wink.
"What are you doing here?" Though his voice was flat, Craig still managed to sound disgruntled.
"Aww, it's almost like you don't want me here at all~" Kenny purred, fluttering his hands. "You should be grateful that someone cares enough to come after you Craig, after all, you spend so much time trying to drive everyone away."
Jaw muscles tightening, Craig muttered, "What do you want Kenny?" He didn't need to be reminded of the whole mess with Tweek, he was so fed up with people reminding him of his mistakes, but it just seemed to keep happening. Trust Kenny to bring it up, as if he doesn't already do enough to make me miserable.
"That's Princess to you," Kenny corrected, his eyes glittering dangerously. "For your information, I'm here to talk to Clyde, but I suppose one of his underlings will have to do." Fixing Craig with a more businesslike expression, the boy clearly said, "They're going to attack you tonight, I should be able to text you the exact times. Until then, you'll just have to be ready. They're pulling out all the stops for this, you need to be ready."
"Thank you for the information," Craig said stiffly, his eyes trained on a spot somewhere above Kenny's head. "We'll keep that in mind."
"Wonderful." Instead of leaving as Craig had faintly hoped he would, Kenny passed Craig and continued towards the castle. Resigning himself to a long day, Craig followed the boy, resolutely deciding not to let Kenny get under his skin.
"Did you know that the Grand Wizard and the High Elf are getting along again?" Kenny asked conversationally, as if Craig cared. "Shocking, I know but I can't say I didn't see it coming. They're friends, they just go through a lot to convince themselves that they aren't. Which reminds me~" Tossing Craig a mischievous look, Kenny asked, "Are you going to let me in on why Token isn't on your side?"
"Is it any of your business?" Craig asked, his words sharp even if his voice wasn't. Shrugging off the rough words, Kenny's smiled danced across his painted lips once more before he turned back to watch where he was walking.
"Funny, if this game isn't breaking up one group of friends, it's destroying another. How unfortunate." Why can't he just leave us alone for once? Frustrated, Craig clenched his hands into fists under his cloak and took a deep breath. He should be used to Kenny at this point, but there were some things that just never stopped getting on his nerves.
"At least it'll be over soon," Craig muttered, relaxing his hands and letting his shoulders fall. It was what he had to focus on, otherwise, he might really lose his mind. True to form though, Kenny was hellbent on pushing his buttons.
"You hope it'll be over soon," the boy cooed, his high princess voice making the words grate all the more. "You pray that you'll be able to go back to spending all the time in the world with your little Tweekers but you know that it's not that simple. He's going to be so upset with you after this, and you're just trying to put that off, aren't you? Pushing him away because that's easier." When Craig's eyes narrowed into a glare, Kenny said, "Oh don't look at me like that Craig, I always find out about things like this. And honestly, you aren't that hard to predict when your mind is such a mess."
I'm so fucking done with him.
Craig was about to snap when Kenny's attitude changed, and he said, in his own voice instead of that infuriating titter, "It's alright Tucker, I get it, sometimes pushing people away is easier. I'm not blaming you for it." His eyes shifted, and Craig was struck with how honest the expression on Kenny's face had suddenly become. "It's what I would have done."
Oh… "I'm trying to do this right," Craig said, his voice ringing with the exhaustion that he couldn't quite hide. "But fuck, everything just keeps getting worse."
"Life doesn't exactly get easier," Kenny said ruefully, sucking in his cheeks and glancing at the sky. "We might be playing a dead end, shitty game, but it's not like the real world is all sunshine and rainbows.
Kenny didn't need to tell Craig that. Of all people, I know just how true that is. It fucking sucked, but the sandy-blond was right, things didn't get better, they just got more complicated. Which was mildly unnerving, because things were already complicated enough in Craig's mind.
"Yeah, but people survive, so something changes," Craig pointed out evenly. As they circled around the back of the castle, the Noirette watched as Kenny's Princessly act slowly faded, his prim steps relaxing and his perfect posture degrading. Oddly enough, despite how on-edge Kenny could leave him, Craig welcomed the change. He needed something familiar, and the return of the old, mischievous blond was comforting in the strangest way possible.
"Change is relative," the shorter boy pointed out, his hand twirling idly through the air. "Some people go through their entire lives and never actually have to deal with it at all. And others deal with it every goddamn day." Ruefully, he added, "And sometimes, we can't handle it, but the world makes us deal with it anyway."
"I hate change," Craig muttered, tugging on his hat.
"You're not the only one," Kenny informed him, slowly down slightly so he could fall into step with Craig. Despite how often their interactions were filled with arguing, the Thief found that as long as he wasn't actively trying to get under his skin, Kenny wasn't all that bad. "For a bunch of kids, our lives never seem to stay the same for long." He had a point, but Craig was struggling to remember the last time that his life had been calm and normal.
If he was being honest with himself, when had things ever been anything less than strange? But maybe it wasn't that his life had been strange so much as consistently shitty. Normal wasn't really the word for it, he'd just grown numb. And now that he'd tasted happiness, anything less was revealed to be what it was. Horrible.
"But then again, you seem hell bent on making your life as interesting as possible," Kenny commented lightly. Lifting his eyebrows slightly, Craig turned to the boy only to get a shrug. "I'm just saying Fucker, you didn't have to throw Tweek out of here, you could have let him stay. It's like you're trying to be miserable."
"You were the one who said it wouldn't be easy," Craig reminded the boy, watching as Kenny combed fingers through the tangled curls of his wig. "I didn't tell him to leave because I wanted to drive him away, I just didn't know what what else to do. I don't want Tweek involved."
"No," Kenny corrected, waving a disapproving finger in Craig's face. "You just think you don't want Tweek involved." Reprovingly clicking his tongue, Kenny said, "I know I told you to do what you wanted Craig, but this isn't quite what I had in mind."
"Well, you weren't exactly much help," Craig gruffly said, shifting his shoulders uncomfortably. He hated it when the sandy-blond talked like that, in riddles and vague comments that didn't make any sense, it set him off balance. Probably, that was the whole idea, but that didn't mean he had to like it.
"Look Fucker, I can't just give you the answers," Kenny told him frankly, his expression unimpressed. "Heck, I don't even have all the answers. But I can tell the difference between a shitty idea, and a better one. And I know that you can do the same. You're not stupid Craig, even if you feel like you are."
Taken aback by Kenny's words, Craig's brows drew together and he deadpanned, "You don't have to lie to me McCormick," even though internally he wondered if maybe Kenny was right. Had he known that he was making the wrong choice? As if in answer to his query, a bolt of memory hit him, and Craig was confronted with the first thought that had run through his mind upon seeing Tweek. Thank god. Because even though he'd reasoned through things and decided that Tweek staying was a bad thing, initially, he'd been grateful that the boy was there.
"And you don't have to pretend that you're worthless," Kenny countered lightly, nudging Craig's arm lightly with his shoulder. "I'll be the first to admit, I have a habit of bending the truth, but I don't like liars, they make things complicated when they don't need to be." Cocking his mouth up in a half-grin, Kenny purred, "Trust me, people are plenty complicated without having to make things worse."
"Says the self admitted traitor," Craig pointed out, not exactly smiling, but no longer scowling either. His words earned him a laugh from Kenny, who threw his head back and grinned at the sky like that was the best thing he'd heard all day.
"But admit it, I make a beautiful traitor," Kenny teased.
"Yes, so sexy," Craig deadpanned, entirely straight face.
"Oh Tucker, if I had known you felt that way, I would have done my hair," the sandy-blond crooned, sticking his tongue out at Craig and cackling when the boy snorted before giving him a skeptically raised eyebrow.
"Fuck off McCormick," Craig said easily, flipping the boy off for good measure. Winking at him with his usual dramatic flair, Kenny straightened and gave a little twirl.
"And here I thought you'd never go back to normal." Looking around, Kenny cleared his throat and said, suddenly returning to his Princess voice, "My goodness, look at the state of this castle, it's like you never even dust!" For a moment, Craig stared at the boy as if he'd grown a third eye, then he heard a voice from behind him, and it made sense.
"Come on Lady McCormick, we're evil we don't dust things!" Despite the complaining nature of his words, Clyde sounded delighted to see the Princess. "If we spent all our time dusting, where would I find the time to bring back people from the dead? There wouldn't be any time, obviously."
"Well then maybe you should get Fucker to do some dusting, because as it is he seems to be doing nothing but collecting it." When Craig flipped Kenny off again, both Clyde and Kenny laughed. "Seriously, he has time to come and greet me personally? I'd have thought you'd be keeping him as busy as possible~" Kenny insisted the moment he'd gotten his vocal cords under control.
"Hey, I've got most of the zombies handled," Clyde insisted, straightening his crown. "So, you want to quickly walk around the place, just to make sure that you know where everything is? I mean, that's why you're here, right?"
Kenny giggled and waved a gloved hand, "Oh, you're too kind King of Darkness, taking time out of your very busy schedule to show me around, why, I hardly deserve such kindness." Rolling his eyes, Craig caught the mischievous glint in the boy's eye, and resigned himself to whatever future there was for him. "Out of curiosity, did you manage to find him?"
Clyde's head bobbed quickly as he lead Kenny away towards the back entrance of the castle. "Yeah, it was trick, he was a little… Rotted? But I mean, this green taco sauce works miracles!" Following the boys silently, Craig wondered who they were talking about, and wished that he'd stopped Clyde from using the Alien Goo when he could have. "I'm lucky it fell out of the sky when it did."
"Lucky is one word for it," Kenny agreed, pulling out his fan and hiding his face behind it as they walked into the lowest level of the castle. "Oooh, I love what you've done with the place!" he praised as he examined the room, twirling around in a circle as he did so. "Though, I think some curtains would make a nice addition, you know?"
"Most of the budget was spent on shingles," Clyde admitted, leading them both higher. "But yeah, we finally got the zombies to behave. It's the Hobos, I'm telling you Princess, they're just so hard to keep control of. One moment they're shambling and spouting German, then boom, they're trying to steal your socks. What are we supposed to do about that?"
"I'd say give them socks, but it probably wouldn't help," Kenny mused, his tone light and airy. How they could talk about the zombies so carelessly was beyond Craig. "How are the other creatures coming along?"
"Oh, we've got everything!" Clyde insisted, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet. "We've got Cats, we've got Cows, we've got- Well, pretty much anything that starts with a C, we've turned it into a zombie!"
"My my, let's hope that we don't turn everything that starts with a C into a zombie," Kenny murmured, looking at Craig mischievously as if imagining what he'd look like as a green, shambling monster.
"Yeah, that's true, I don't know what would happen if I got turned into a zombie," Clyde agreed, scratching his chin. Brightening, the boy decided, "Well, if I did, I'd probably be able to turn back, so it'll be alright. If the other group manages to get to me, then I might have to consider it."
"No," Craig deadpanned, his expression stormy. "You're not turning into a zombie." As if this was a tragedy, Clyde let out a dramatic sigh, and Kenny simply sighed, as if disappointed.
"Look at you Fucker, coming in here and ruining our fun, how cruel of you," Kenny commented. "It's almost like you don't want Clyde to win…"
"What, fuck no, I never said that!" Craig insisted, his flat voice rising in volume. "I'm just saying that these zombies are really starting to get on my nerves. Do we even know what they're from? Or how to make them stop?" The moment the words started coming out of his mouth, Craig found that he had a lot to say on the matter. "What if they escape? Are we going to have to deal with a town full of zombies? Is no one thinking any of this through?"
Kenny patted Craig's arm, as if that was going to be at all comforting. "Oh Craig, you're so adorable when you're worried about the safety of the town like it matters. So cute."
Shaking the boy off of him, Craig crossed his arms and stared stormily at the two. "I'm serious here. What the fuck do you think you're trying to do here? Do you even know what you're messing with?" When Clyde gave him a blank look, Craig ground his teeth together. "There are fucking undead in the cages around you, stop and think about what you're doing."
"Craig, it's just green taco sauce," Clyde insisted, his eyes wide and guileless. "It fell out of the sky, but there's lots over by the new taco bell. I'm not sure why you're so worried."
"Because Clyde, that's not fucking taco sauce," Craig growled, his eyes narrowing. He knew that he hadn't said anything before but fuck, he was done just not saying anything. Clyde was being an idiot, and he was tired of just letting his friend make stupid choices. "You're going to get all of us killed."
"Come on Fucker, it's just a game," Kenny lilted, his voice sounding dangerous in the strangest sort of way. "Don't talk about death like it's inevitable. Of course it's green taco sauce, what else would it be?"
"It's-" But Craig realized that he couldn't explain without sounding entirely crazy. "It's not taco sauce," he finished lamely, hating how effectively he'd been backed into a corner. "But that's not important, Clyde, we can win without zombies, you're just creating a bigger problem."
"You know Craig, I think you're failing to see the bigger picture," Kenny told him in that sweet Princess voice of his. "You keep focusing on zombies, think about Cartman. Wouldn't you like to see him pay for everything he's done? This is going to finally beat him, you just have to let it happen."
"Come on Craig, it's just a game," Clyde said softly, his eyes imploring. "Everything is going to get better."
Faced with both of them and their inability to understand, Craig realized he couldn't handle this anymore. "Fine," he bit out, taking a step back. "Have fun with you Nazi Zombies, I'm going to talk to the men." Swiftly, Craig seized the rope ladder that lead upwards and quickly scaled it, climbing through the levels until he reached the spot where he'd left the other soldiers that were still in the castle.
Spotting him, Chris Donnelly said, "And the brooding Thief returns~ Tell me Craig, how bad is life in the outside world?"
For a moment, Craig just stared at him, then at last, he hoarsely muttered, "You have no idea."
To be honest though, it was he who had no idea how bad things had gotten, and he really didn't want to find out.
A/N: Enjoy your lowkey Crenny.
You dirty heathens.
