Karen
My name is Karen McCormick, and my brother can't die.
I'm not saying he doesn't try, he tries really hard. But he always fails. I used to wonder if I was crazy for seeing it, but now I just know that everyone else is. They don't see him die, they can't remember, but I can. Kenny doesn't know that, and I don't need to tell him. It'd probably break him.
Ringing out her dirty blond hair into the broken shower drain in the bathroom because she couldn't quite reach the sink, Karen glanced up at the duct-tape covered window at the storm raging outside. The glass was leaking again. Grabbing for the small stool that Kenny had found in the dump, Karen stood on the unsteady thing and struggled to get the peeling tape to stick properly. It had been a long time since Kenny had put Kevin's head through the window, and they needed new tape, but she wasn't sure if they had any left.
I know it sounds like my whole life revolves around him, but it doesn't. I have other friends, it's just that where other kids have parents, I have Ken. I want to be like him someday. Even though he'd tell me that I should have a better role model, the only other one I'd have is Kevin, and goodness knows Kenny doesn't want me to be like him.
Kevin had tried to hit her for the first time that night, and Kenny had lost it. No, not lost it, Karen remembered the almost ice cold anger that had come from her brother in that moment, and it made her shiver even now. He'd do that sometimes, when their parents got upset, when Kevin got drunk, when other bad things happened, he'd go cold and just stand in the way so he could stop whatever was happening. Sometimes, she wondered if he'd try to stand in the way of a speeding train. Probably, that sounded like something her brother would do.
Kenny always gives me rules in an attempt to make sure that I'm a better person that he is. Rule number one, never talk about what happens in the house, none of it, for any reason. That's the most important rule. Sometimes he's joking when he comes up with them, but sometimes, I know that he's being dead serious. He told me that one after our mom broke a bottle over his head. He was bleeding, and he still told me not to tell a soul. So I never have.
Sighing, Karen let the tape curl back and blinked as the little drops of cold water sprinkled her face. For a moment, she remembered Firkle talking to them after the fight, with his fancy goth makeup running down his face like a sad clown, and she giggled. Ever since Red had introduced Ruby to the Goth kids, Ruby had been incessant in trying to get Firkle to hang out with them. Now they were all going to Tweek Bro's tomorrow, the only place that he'd been willing to meet them at. It would probably be fun, if the rain let up.
Hopping down off of the stool, careful not to fall off of it, Karen moved it back out of the shower and started trying to struggle out of her wet pirate's outfit. Kenny had helped her put it together, but it was pretty much ruined now, all torn and stuff. Standing back so she could glance into the cracked mirror, she rubbed at the still bleeding cut above her left eye. Probably should get a band-aid for that. Do we have any?
Well, probably not. Kenny was always using them, and she knew that their last box had been given to Tweek, who probably needed them more. He'd been freaking out about the paper cuts on his fingers, Kenny had said, so he'd just helped him out a little, you know how it is Kare-bear, gotta be the positive change you want to see and all that jazz.She'd be fine without them, it was only a little scratch.
Pushing a smile onto her face, focusing on how much fun she'd had beating up sixth graders with her friends, Karen half danced her way out of the bathroom, still struggling to get her cargo pants off. Her parents were passed out, dead drunk on the couch, so she didn't worry about being quiet. It would have taken an elephant and several armed cops to wake them up. Stumbling into her room, Karen finally managed to kick off her pants and stood there for a moment shivering before scurrying over to her tilting dresser and digging out one of Kenny's old hoodies.
It was warm. Kenny's clothes were always warm.
I've never told anyone that he dies. That's family business, family matters. I don't think that even Kevin knows that he dies, Kenny doesn't exactly talk about it. Some things, you just don't talk about. I learned that the first time he died with his head on my knees, slowly being eaten away by some poison as he babbled on about whether there are stars in Hell. After you see something like that, you know that there are lines you just shouldn't cross.
Pulling the hoodie down lower over her thighs, Karen turned and stared at her bed. It was late, but she had trouble sleeping on nights like this. Slumping against the dirty wall, Karen curled her arms around her knees and let out a slow sigh. Maybe she should have taken up Ike's offer and stayed with him. He'd gone home right after they'd finished fighting, Ruby had ended up talking to Firkle, and she'd wandered back home, but she'd probably end up just staring at the wall for a while.
There was the sound of the door to the kitchen slamming.
Up on her feet in an instant, it took Karen all of about three seconds to confirm the intruder to be her brother, and another two to hurry out of her room and towards the kitchen. "Ken?" she called tentatively, just in case she was wrong and it wasn't her brother. Inhaling, Karen caught the cloying weight of copper and iron, and she sort of just turned her insides off so they wouldn't clench painfully.
At first, watching him die made me cry, finding him dead broke my heart. I hated it, hated that I couldn't escape the inevitable and he couldn't seem to find peace, but eventually, I got used to it. That sounds horrible. It is horrible, but at some point, you learn to turn yourself off and just be there as your brother as he dies once again. Kenny doesn't know that I remember, but I think I'm glad I do, because otherwise I'd feel like I was dying with him every single time.
"Wassup Kare-bear?" Kenny asked casually, like the air around him didn't smell like blood. In the light coming from the muted TV behind her, Karen could see the injuries, see the crimson tears in her brother's dress and they contradicted the absent smile on his face. "You should be in bed." He laughed. "I should be in bed. I am such an irresponsible role model."
"What happened?" Karen asked in a small voice, unable to keep from staring at the blood trickling down the side of Kenny's face. It matted his blond wig, and she didn't doubt that it was worse underneath it.
"What happened?" Kenny repeated, his eyebrows lifting. "Why, the good guys won Kare, that's what always happens~ The good guys have to win, that's how the story goes." Grinning, waving a hand before wincing like the action caused him pain, Kenny mumbled, "Nothing you need to worry about Kare-bear, I'm fine."
"You're bleeding Ken," she pointed out plaintively. "You're not okay."
"Don't you know that it doesn't matter if I'm bleeding?" Kenny asked, his tone pitched all wrong. "It never lasts, right?" He always talked like this when he knew that he was going to die, maybe because he expected her to forget everything that he said. She didn't, of course. Feeling that familiar frustration that always welled up when she saw her brother like this, Karen scrambled for one of the stained and ratty towels that was bundled up beside the overflowing sink and stood on her tiptoes, trying to turn on the faucet so that she could dampen it.
Finally managing to get some water on the thing, Karen followed her brother as he stumbled out of the kitchen, his movements unstead, the limp in his step obvious. "Which is a good thing, because I don't think they could deal with consequences that serious. They'd be crushed to think I'd died, right?" It sounded like a genuine question, like he honestly wasn't sure.
"I'd miss you," Karen said softly, watching as her brother jerked to a halt at her words. "I will miss you, please don't die Ken." Her brother just laughed again, the sound dead and broken.
"I know you would Kare-bear, but you're the only one~ Even you would forget me pretty quickly." Shaking his head, Kenny suddenly injected something manic into his voice as he said with false cheerfulness, "But that's alright, I'm not going to die, I'm just going to lay down, they really did a number on me."
Is it wrong that I sometimes wish my brother could just die? I wish that he'd just close his eyes and never wake up, and that probably makes me a monster, but when I look at him, all I see is exhaustion. His eyes are so dead some days, I don't think he wants to live anymore. It's cruel that he can't escape, I hate it. I want him to be able to get away from this, but I can't make anything happen, I can't change anything. In the end, I'm just his sister, which makes me wish he could die all the more.
As the lurched back into action, Kenny expressively waved the hand he wasn't dragging along the wall in an effort to keep himself upright. "You should have seen them Kare, I'm so- So proud of them, finally getting over their differences and working together again. I told Tucker it wouldn't be easy, but he still did it. That takes dedication, I hope he- Well, I just hope it lasts." He took another step, and Karen watched as blood specked the stained carpet beneath him.
"Why did you let them hurt you?" Karen asked, her voice faint. She never knew what to say when this happened, she felt so inadequate. All she could do was watch as her brother fell apart before her eyes, and she never got to talk about it with anyone because you never talked about family matters. "Why didn't you fight back?"
"You think I didn't fight back?" Kenny laughed dryly. "Oh I fought them, but someone needs to be the villain Kare-bear. You'll learn that someday. Hell, make it another rule! If you're not the hero, then you're probably the villain. People are so black and white sometimes, it's terrifying." He didn't sound scared though, he just sounded bitter.
"You're not evil," Karen told her brother, wishing that she could convince him of it. If it had been anyone else, she would have been able to throw up some of her self-confident masks to hide how upset she was, but this was Kenny. You couldn't fool Kenny.
"Nah, I'm just bad enough to be the tragic anti-hero, right?" Kenny laughed, and his head lolled on his neck. "Any worse, and no one would like me, any nicer, and I'd be blandbut the anti-heros never get the- Never get to smile at the end! Because who wants a grinning villain?" Turning, Kenny cooed, "But look at me Kare-bear." A twisted, manic grin stretched over his face. "Look at me breaking the rules, I'm so happy."
Quickly whipping his head away from her, Kenny wavered on his feet for a moment before stumbling forward towards his bedroom. "I'm so happy," he repeated, his words faint. "There's nothing I like more than getting torn to shreds by my own friends. It's cathartic, you might say. Reminds you that you're really not all that, you're just… A piece of shit."
Following him, her heart ending up in her throat no matter how often she'd seen this scene before, Karen watched as Kenny pulled off his wig, revealing just how much blood there was matting his hair, dripping down the side of his face. Tossing the thing away, Kenny coughed before saying, "You know, I say that I'm a piece of shit, and I know that I am, but they're not much better Kare, they're a big ol' bag of dicks all of them. No one's perfect, we're just different levels of fucked up."
As the boy missed his step slightly, Karen could do nothing to stop her brother from pitching forward, crumpling against the floor. Laughing, even though it had to have hurt, Kenny rolled over slowly and mumbled, "Oh, maybe I'm just losing my mind Karen, but it's so frustrating when you can't even control your own movements, and they're blaming you for it. And you know me, you know who I am. I tried not to hurt them, but maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe in the end I just want to cause them pain?"
Shaking her head, rejecting Kenny's words, Karen knelt down next to her brother with the damp towel and held it against the bloody gash on the side of his head. "You've never wanted to hurt anyone," the girl whispered, staring down into Kenny's glittering, distant eyes. You're too good to hurt people, you just don't see it. He'd probably never see it. Out of everything, this is what made her want to cry.
"You're too good to me Kare-bear," Kenny murmured, shaking his head before pulling away from her, sifting towards his bed so he could crawl into it. "No, I think I might actually want them to hurt, because then they might care when they're watching something hurt me." As the blood started to soak into the sheets below him, hinting at just how badly he'd been hurt, Kenny continued, "I could die in their arms, and they wouldn't even remember. How fucked up is that? My friends don't even care enough to know when I die."
Unable to anything, Karen just sat there as her brother continued, "I just wanted someone to care, but the moment I walked away, they all forgot about me. It's all about Clyde. Fuck- He wasn't dying, I was! They knew I was dying, they saw it. I'm not asking for much, just someone to care, but all I got were a apologies and then nothing."
Clenching one of his hands into a fist, Kenny hissed through his teeth before spitting, "They have no idea what kind of shit I go through for them, none of them do!" The bitterness in his voice was palpable, making Karen's throat close up in its intensity. "But that's okay, that's fine," he mumbled, his voice suddenly losing its punch. "That's alright, they can forget me, just as long as they get a happily ever after."
Sometimes, I wonder if death would actually make Kenny happy at all. He's spent so long wishing for it that it might be a let down if he actually managed to leave. I'm not sure if anything would make him happy, to be honest. Even his friends make him bitter, angry, jaded. I know that they do because sometimes he babbles on about them for hours, just talking about how much he cares, and it's heartbreaking, because he believes that they don't care about him in return.
"Heh, I'm glad that Tweekers and Craigo can finally smile again," Kenny said, his eyes rolling over to the window. "They're both so broken, I used to think that nothing could fix them but… I think that maybe they have a chance." A bitter laugh, then the hand he held before him unclenched slowly before he let it fall over his chest. The movement ruffled the skirts of his rain-soaked dress. " 's funny Karen, I feel selfish for thinking it, but I kinda liked having a couple people around who were almost as fucked up as me. Do you think that's wrong?"
She didn't know what she was supposed to say to that, so instead Karen just reached up and found her brother's hand so she could squeeze it tightly with her own. It was cold to the touch. He's dying again. "But now they found each other. I'm sorta- Ah hell Kare-bear I'm jealous as all get out that they found something so good."
Staring at the ceiling, he let out a laugh before babbling, "Oh man, I sound so stupid right now. Tweeky's gone through hell for years and I never even really helped him. But how was I supposed to? Do you think hanging around Eric would have made anything better for him? I tried, alright! I did everything I could for him. And Craig, god, I've pushed him through so many things just because I didn't want to see him turn out like me. I'm trying to help."
I know you are, Karen thought squeezing her brother's hand slightly. There was desperation in Kenny's tone, and it tore at her heart. You do help, I promise Ken, you do.
"So how is it fair that the one time I need one of them to care, they all just stand there. Oh sure Tweek's gonna grab my hand and apologize and Craig's going to tell me not to die but how is that supposed to help? They're all so supportive of each other, but do I get that? No, they just let me walk off to die. They don't give a shit about me." Kenny's ranting devolved into pained coughing. "Fuck, they weren't messing around, were they? Guess they really did want to kill me for the shit I put them through."
"They care about you," Karen whispered, even though her words sounded hollow. She didn't know Kenny's friends all that well, but she'd heard him talk about them enough to know that they couldn't possibly just not notice when one of their friends was hurting.
"No they don't Kare, they don't care one bit." Pressing his lips together till they turned white, Kenny mumbled, "They just let me walk away. Even Butterfree didn't do anything to stop me." His whole body sagged against the bed, and Kenny forced out a soft laugh. "You know, I thought he was going to cry for a moment. His eyes were so shiny, I thought he was going to break down right in front of me." When Karen shifted so she could look down at her brother, she found his own eyes closed. But to be honest, she didn't need to see them to read the pain in his expression. The complete, broken defeat.
But you know, he's never cried about it. I don't know if Kenny can cry. I cry sometimes, when everything gets to be too much. Of course, rule number two is never let anyone see you cry. Even though he says that, Kenny always takes the time to try and make things better for me. I would do the same for him, but he never breaks down. At least not that visibly. But if you look into his eyes, you can see when they get glassy, like if he knew how, he might cry after all.
"For a second Kare, I wanted him to cry," Kenny admitted in a whisper. "I wanted him to beg me not to die. Just once, I wanted something in him to remember." As he spoke, his voice got fainter, his hold on the world loosening as he slipped away. "But he just let me walk away. Even Butterball doesn't care enough to help me. That's fine though, I'd just ruin him. I'm probably already ruining him, look at me wishing he'd cry, what's wrong with me."
And then came the shivers, as Kenny truly started to shut down. Just the uncontrollable trembling that she'd come to associate with this, like her brother's version of tears. "God, I just don't want him to forget me. I'm such a piece of shit, he'd be happier without me. They'd all be happier without me. They all saved the world Kare, and I just got in the way. I'm so pathetic, but they never remember me, they won't even think twice about this after it's over. I'm so sick of it Karen, I can't-" He sucked in a breath through his teeth that ended in his body going stiff as pain spasmed through him. "I can't do this anymore."
And even though Kenny never cried, Karen's own tears took their place. Letting them drip down her cheeks, Karen squeezed Kenny's hand tight enough to cut off the circulation in his fingers, the girl whispered, "You don't have to save the world big brother."
He's got so much inside of him that eats him away, that if you stare too long into those eyes, you'll lose your mind. Because no one but Ken can carry that burden. He'd say that no one else deserves it, but he doesn't deserve it either. I know, because I remember every death I've seen him die, and each of them stand out as yet another level of torture that he doesn't deserve, no matter what he says otherwise.
Lifting his free hand, Kenny brushed at Karen's tears, his cold hand touching her cheek so gently it might have been a ghost. "Dry your eyes, lil' sis," Kenny murmured musically, his eyes drifting in and out of focus. "Someday, you're going to fly far away from here, far away from me, and you'll never have to deal with this shitty town again." Falling back against the pillow, Kenny mumbled, "It's too late for me, but don't waste your tears on me, someday, you'll forget me too."
As his eyes drifted closed, Kenny added, "I'm glad, no one deserves having to remember me." Then he was gone, his hand going limp in hers, and the life leaving him like a dove.
Sniffling, Karen finally dragged herself to her feet and took a step back from her brother's body. In the moonlight, despite the tears and the blood, he looked like a sleeping princess. With his dress and his bloodless skin, it was as frightening as it was beautiful. But Karen knew better than to stay for long. Her mom would be coming in soon with a new version of her brother, who would be a-okay by the time she woke up in the morning.
The truth of it scared her.
I'm tired of watching Kenny die. But if he has to live through it, then I'll live through this. Because rule number three is the world is pain, and anyone who tells you different is selling you something. Someday, Kenny will die, and someday, things will get better. I don't know when, I don't know how, but I've got to believe.
Whatever happens, I'll be here for Kenny when he dies, because no one deserves to go through that alone.
Slowly, her footsteps absolutely silent, Karen padded out of Kenny's room and closed the door behind her. Even as she did, she heard her mother let out a loud expletive before there was the sound of a baby wailing. Before they caught her, she slipped into her own room and shut the door. Kenny was home, finally. Maybe now, she could sleep.
My name is Karen McCormick, and I wish my brother could die.
