AN: This chapter is the first night Ben and Rey spent with baby Gemma on board the Finalizer!
If you have any one shot requests, fire away! I'd love to write what you want to read!
The First Night
The First Night
They have a cradle for her. It's set up behind black curtains next to the viewport. But Ben won't let her go. And Rey can't stop staring at the tiny pink bundle in his arms as she lays her cheek against his shoulder. Their little girl- their Gemma- is milk drunk, and radiating waves of contentment as her brown eyes droop and then open wide, flashing from father to mother and back without ever really focusing. Her lips- perfect copies of Ben's- open to form a perfect 'o' as she yawns, and Rey can't help but grin at her as if she's done something wonderful.
"You should get some rest. You've been through so much." Ben whispers as he twists his neck so he can look at her. It's the first time he's torn his eyes from his daughter in hours.
"How can I sleep when that means I'll miss a moment of this?" She asks. "A moment where I have a family."
"You'll have us forever, Rey. You can sleep for a few hours, and you'll still have us when you wake up." He kisses her forehead gently.
"Will I? I'm almost afraid this is a dream...that I'll wake up back in my At-At on Jakku, that she won't be real, that I'll never have known you at all...that this was all some incredibly vivid fever dream." Rey admits pitifully. A glance up at Ben reveals that he's frowning. Slowly, he passes their daughter to her, and wraps both of them in his arms.
"Do you feel the weight of her against your chest?" He asks. She nods. "Can you sense her in the force? How vital and light she is?"
"Yes." She nods, breathing it in. He lifts a hand to tuck her face against his chest.
"And my heartbeat. Do you hear it?" She nods. "That's for you. And for her. Nothing else matters. But we are solid and real, Rey. It's all real. Every single thing that's happened since you left Jakku, the good and the bad are real. You're not there anymore. You'll never be alone again. Do you believe that?"
"I...Yes." She inhales against his chest, taking in the unique smell she knows is his and his alone. She turns her head just slightly, just enough to look at their daughter's tiny, perfect face again. "She's so beautiful."
"I expected nothing else from your child." he says softly, his voice filled with awe.
"Our child. Ours." Rey insists. "She wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. You deserve credit for half of her existence."
"I'd give more than half of the credit to you, Rey. You did all of the real work."
"And somehow she still got most of your features." She chuckles softly, finally yawning and betraying her bone deep exhaustion. "Would you take her?" He gently scoops her out of her arms at once, and she lies back on the pillows. She keeps one hand raised, lying on his arm, where her fingers can just barely brush the baby's tiny swaddled foot.
"Go to sleep Rey. We'll be right here when you wake up." he whispers, and she nods as she lets her eyes droop sleepily. She doesn't open them for several hours, and when she does, she sees that he's barely moved. He's shifted slightly, the baby is resting against his chest now, but he's still holding her. Something in Rey's heart catches at the sight of them. The little girl whose face is so much like the tired face of the man holding her, and the utter devotion in the man's eyes. A proper father cradling his daughter. She feels the tears coming and tries to choke them back, but finds she can't. A quiet sob breaks through her lips, and Ben turns his face to her at once. "Rey?"
"I- you- you love her so much!" Rey shakes her head and brushes away tears. "I see it in your eyes. You love her."
"I do." He says, almost warily.
"I'm so sorry." she manages between loud shuddering breaths that she's afraid will wake her little Gemma. He seems to sense this unease, and slowly rises from the bed to place the baby in her cradle for the first time. As he lays her down he brushes his fingers over her curly dark hair, and presses his lips to her forehead, and the sobs come even harder. "I'm so, so sorry!"
"What is it? What's wrong?" he asks as he comes back to the bed, taking her in his arms.
"For keeping her from you. For not telling you the truth. I should have told you right away- you had every right to know! You're her father- her father- and you love her!"
"Please don't apologize." He says, pressing his lips to her forehead. "You don't have to be sorry."
"Yes I do! I do! I was going to let another man raise her, Ben! Don't you see how wrong that was? I knew it was wrong, but I was too scared to take the chance and tell you-"
"I killed my own father, Rey. I can understand why you'd hesitate to tell me about her. I can understand why you'd think I wouldn't be a good father. Why you'd want me far away from her."
"But I didn't really want that! I just...I want her to be safe. That's all I wanted. And Poe was such a reliable option, and you'd just… just killed your father in front of me and I didn't know what else to do! All I knew was that I'd do anything for her. Anything." Rey says desperately as her fingers curl into his tunic, holding him impossibly close. "And I...I would have made you miss everything- you already missed so much-"
"It was my own fault, Rey!" He cries out and then looks at the cradle frantically, finding all silent and content there. "You wanted me to come with you. I refused. And then I...I did what I did, I hurt your friend, I fought you. Then we start appearing to each other and I beg you to come to me and let me train you, let you be my passion, almost like you were an object instead of a person. You even asked, after, If I'd come to you, and I refused again. You gave me the option of finding you, of seeing, and I refused in favor of the dark side. It's no wonder you didn't want to tell me. I don't blame you for it. I never have. I was upset when I first realized- but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how crazy I must have seemed. How unstable. How evil. How could you have wanted to invite such things into your child's life?"
"You were never those things. I always knew that- you couldn't hide the good in you from me." she pulls him even closer and presses her lips to his shoulder. "And it wasn't just my child. It's our child. Ours. and nothing you say will ever change the fact that I kept her from you. How can you trust me so easily when I-"
"Because I love you. Because I know you never meant to hurt me. Because you've let me see into your memories, and I understand exactly why you did what you did. You were scared. You did whatever you could to protect your- protect our child. I wouldn't have you do anything differently if I could change it. The time we spent apart...it gave me so much perspective on what was important to me. You were the first thing in over a decade that I ever wanted just for me. Not because you were my mission, or Snoke needed you. I wanted you. And I had no idea how to handle that." He pulls her up onto his lap as he speaks, cradling her with as much tenderness as he handled their daughter. "From the first moment you found out about our girl, you loved her and protected her. That's what a mother should do, Rey. And I saw how hard you struggled at times with not telling me. You wanted me to know. Really I should have known. I felt the changes in you, sensed so much. I was blind."
"Don't. Pinning any part of this on your shoulders won't make me feel better." She shakes her head. "But somehow, I think we won't ever agree on this. I'll always feel at fault-"
"And I'll never believe that's true."
"Ben-"
"What if we agree it doesn't matter now?" She looks at him dubiously. "I mean it. It's in the past, Rey. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I know now. And you gave us the most precious gift. That baby girl is the most beautiful, perfect, light life form in the galaxy. She's here now, she's with both of us, and we love her. That is all that matters. She is all that matters. We'll do anything we can to protect her, to make sure she grows up safe and loved and wanted in the ways that we never were. Both of us. Together."
"That's what I want for her." She whispers gently.
"That and some place green, Right?"
"Right." She smiles up at him, and he kisses her softly.
"One day I'll give you both that. You both deserve it."
"Only if you're there with us."
"I'm not going to be leaving either of you. Not now. I failed you once. I'll die before I fail you again."
