Update 11/22/18: Nothing really changed in this chapter's facelift except some typos, because it was pretty much perfect to start with. What, three years later, and I still love something I wrote? QUOI?
*dances* So excited about this chapter y'all. We finally get into the hot mess that is Hiccup's headspace right now.
Warnings for implied noncon. Chapter title from "Long Road to Hell" by Avicii
Chapter 7: Run As Fast As You Think You Can
They were at a standoff.
"I'm not doing this. You can't make me."
The large green eyes staring down at her allowed no argument.
"I'm serious. I know what you're trying to do and I won't do it." Astrid stared back, just as determined. There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, but she wasn't backing down. He had her cornered. "I refuse. I don't care what you do to me, I am not doing this."
She received an irritated grumble in reply.
"I don't care if you're disappointed. Hiccup may be fine with this, but I'm not." She gingerly lifted the half-eaten cod off her lap and tossed it back to the dragon looming over her. Toothless leaned down, picked the fish up by the very end of its tail, and deposited it back in Astrid's lap. She groaned. "Toothless, if you want to make friends, then okay, fine, we'll make friends. I will pet you and scratch your chin all you want, but I draw the line at eating something that has been in a dragon's stomach."
The Night Fury didn't move. He continued to sit on his haunches and watch her.
Astrid sighed. "Okay, look, I will make you a deal." She reached up to the table behind her and felt around blindly until she found what was meant to be her breakfast. Well, it was closer to lunch now. She'd spent half the night lying awake worrying about what would happen when Hiccup reached Berk, and as a result had slept well into the day. Hiccup was still asleep, hence why Astrid was facing off against his dragon alone. "How about this instead?" Astrid asked, making a show of smiling up at him while she took a large bite out of the smoked salmon, held it in her mouth for a moment, then spit it out into her hand and presented it to him.
Toothless blinked, frowning, then leaned down to sniff at her offering. Those large green eyes regarded her inquisitively, and Astrid tried an encouraging smile. "See? I'm willing to meet you halfway, here." The dragon continued to stare and Astrid began to lose hope. The half-chewed salmon was sticky in her palm and she really would have liked to drop it. Finally Toothless gave her a gummy smile and—
"Uuuargh!" Astrid squealed in disgust as Toothless closed his whole mouth over her outstretched hand, his tongue sweeping the salmon off her palm. He pulled his head back, releasing her hand and leaving everything from the middle of her forearm down covered with slobber. Astrid groaned again and tried to shake the heavy ropes of saliva off her arm. "Oh, Toothless!" She shivered, repulsed, and shook her head. "You really couldn't do this without making it disgusting, could you?"
Toothless just trilled and smiled at her. Astrid softened despite herself. "Well," she said, grabbing a towel from the table behind her and wiping off her hand, "At least I know you like me." Toothless chirped and nosed at the uneaten fish, his large eyes looking up at her hopefully. Astrid laughed and gave it to him, this time tossing it in the air. "Either that or you're just hungry and Hiccup isn't up yet." The dragon cackled his thanks and curled up in front of her, nuzzling into her stomach and effectively trapping her against the stone wall of the kitchen. Astrid sighed. So much for finishing her breakfast.
Still, it wasn't entirely unpleasant. The open ceiling meant this cave was nearly always a little chilly, and the dragon radiated heat. Astrid placed a tentative hand on his head, and when Toothless opened an eye to peer at her, like he was waiting, she gave in and started stroking slowly up and down. The green eye closed and the dragon purred, a happy little rumble in the back of his throat that made Astrid giggle.
"You really are a giant housecat, aren't you?" Toothless warbled as if to say that yes, he was, and he was very proud of that. Astrid grew bolder; she ran her nails over the smooth scales and up to the nubs that she assumed were Toothless's ears and scratched behind them the way she had seen Hiccup do. That's when she noticed them.
There were many scars dancing up and down along Toothless's body, most of them scratches that looked like they'd come from other dragons, but these lines were different. Thicker, more rounded, and crisscrossing in places. Then Toothless drew his front leg close to his neck and she noticed that one of the lines on his leg, if he were to move it slightly higher, matched up perfectly with one of the lines on his neck.
"Okay, but I hit a Night Fury."
She looked at the other lines, the ones that crossed at the junction of his wings, that wrapped around his hind legs…
"It's a long distance, high powered bola-slingshot. I could shoot a dragon right out of the sky with this baby. Yep, next raid, I'm totally gonna be testing it out…"
Her hand ran around the side of Toothless's head, and her fingers traced the scar along his neck. He leaned into her touch, and she couldn't help smiling and scratching under his chin. There was something she'd seen Hiccup do, some place where-there. The dragon melted under her touch, his wings relaxing and tail swishing back and forth along the ground.
The motion caught her eye.
She hadn't really looked at it too closely; Toothless was almost always wearing the prosthetic. According to Hiccup he liked the feeling of the weight there. Without it she could see on one side the small ragged lip that was all that remained of his left tailfin. She analyzed the right one; the skin was thick and tough, and the veins that ran through it and connected it to the tail were thicker still. It must have taken a huge amount of force to rip the fin so completely from the tail.
It must have been so painful.
"You poor thing," she found herself whispering. She could picture the scene in her mind; Toothless tied up and alone in the woods, terribly afraid and in excruciating pain…trapped and grounded while he watched the other dragons fly away… "You must have been so afraid," she murmured, her other hand rising to scratch behind one nub-like ear. "Watching them all leave you to die." Her voice caught and she cleared her throat. "I know what that's like…"
She frowned at the mangled tail. "Hiccup did that to you." Those expressive green eyes opened to watch her. "Hiccup did that to you and you forgave him." She received a grumble in reply. "You were trapped, and injured, and your survival depended on him," she mused, and gave him a small smile. "I definitely know what that's like." Her smile faded and she pondered the tail and its ripped fin. "So the question is, did you forgive him because you wanted to, or because you had to?"
Toothless lifted his head off her lap and swung his tail around to the front of his face. He looked from the ruined fin to her face, then let his tail fall back. He gave her a low roar and the corners of his mouth lifted in a smile, his eyes wide and happy while his shoulders rolled in what could have been a shrug. It doesn't matter, he seemed to say, before he leaned in and his wet pink tongue darted out to lick the side of her face. I gained more than I lost.
Astrid's laughter surprised her. "I wish I could find it so easy to forgive him." She took Toothless's jaw in her hands and shook it playfully. "Maybe people are just more stuck in their ways than dragons."
"That's been my experience."
She looked up to see Hiccup stumbling into the cave, hands pressed into his eyes.
Astrid sat up as best she could with Toothless nuzzling into her. "So, what happened last-"
"Shh, sh, shh." Hiccup held up a hand, his other shielding his eyes from the bright sunlight shining overhead. "Not so loud," he mumbled. "Hangover."
Astrid frowned as she watched Hiccup kneel by the stream and splash water into his face. "Too bad, I need to talk to you. It's not my fault you're an alcoholic."
Hiccup paused in drinking water from his cupped hands. "I'm not an alcoholic."
Astrid pursed her lips. "Actually, you kind of are. You're almost always drinking."
He didn't look at her. "I drink a lot. I don't have a drinking problem. There's a difference."
"What kind of a difference?"
"I drink a lot but I could stop if I wanted to." Astrid scoffed, but Hiccup shot her a glare and continued. "Alcoholics drink because they can't stop and because it's how they deal with their problems."
Astrid shook her head. "I don't know if you've noticed, Hiccup, but you've just described yourself. You're always drinking, and it usually has to do with your problems. You drink when you're annoyed at me, and you drink after raids, and the worse the raid is the more hungover you are in the morning." She gestured at him. "Example A. You look terrible, so I'm going to guess that last night was really bad and you got wasted to deal with it." Hiccup drew in his bottom lip in that way he usually did when he knew he had no response.
"I could stop if I wanted to," was the response he settled with.
Astrid sighed. "I rest my case."
Hiccup ignored her. He also ignored her when she tried again to ask about the previous night's raid.
"Excuse me, Toothless," Astrid murmured, standing and walking to where Hiccup was removing his shirt and beginning to splash water on his face and neck. He didn't noticed when she crept up behind him, grabbed him by his hair, and dunked his head into the shallow stream.
He came up gasping and spluttering. "What the fuck was that for?!" He coughed and glared at her, wet hair dripping water down his neck and back and over the planes of his bare chest and…and Astrid was not noticing any of that. Nope. Not even the droplets catching in the sparse red hair on his chest that thickened around his belly button and trailed down to his waistband… "…to drown me?"
Astrid blinked. Hiccup was still giving her that incredulous glare. She cleared her throat. "You were under for less than a second. You wouldn't have drowned. Now sober up, I need to talk to you." She crossed her arms. "What happened last night? I'm guessing from the state you're in that it wasn't good."
Hiccup sighed and stood, hands running through his hair and attempting to shake the water out. "Fine," he mumbled, and shot a glare over her shoulder at Toothless. "Thanks for stopping her from drowning me there, bud."
Toothless gave his master an indignant bark before rolling over onto his back to enjoy the sun on his belly.
Astrid smiled. "I think that means he's on my side."
Hiccup rolled his eyes. "Mutinous reptile. Okay, okay, fine!" He backed away from Astrid's light punches. "You wanna know what happened, okay." He picked up his shirt and used it to dry his hair as he leaned against the table. "Well they weren't happy, I can tell you that. My dad was really pissed." His eyes shifted to the ground. "Kept goin' on about how I went back on our deal. As if I ever actually agreed to anything. I think I might have made him feel guilty about what he did to you, though."
Astrid nodded and shuffled her feet. "And…did you see my parents?"
Hiccup was quiet for a moment. "Yeah. Just briefly. There was a lot going on, so it wasn't like I could get a good look or anything."
Astrid took a step forward. "And?" Hiccup didn't answer. She took another step closer, leaning down to try to force him to look at her. "And?" Hiccup sighed.
"I think your mom was crying. She was screaming at my dad; your dad was holding her back. I don't know what she was saying but I can guess."
Astrid nodded and slumped against the table next to him. "Good," she said, and felt Hiccup's eyes on her. She swallowed the lump in her throat. "They didn't try to save me. They gave me up in vain and I want them to feel guilty for that."
"You're angry at them." It wasn't a question. Astrid frowned at her feet.
"They gave me up. Their oldest child and they gave me up without a fight. They knew what would likely happen to me but they didn't fight it. Why wouldn't I be angry at them?"
They stood in silence for a moment before she heard Hiccup's tentative reply. "It could be worse. You only ended up with me."
Astrid grit her teeth. "Winding up here with you instead of some demonic helbeast doesn't exactly soften the blow of betrayal from my entire village, Hiccup. You were there. No one on Berk tried to save me."
She heard his angry huff and looked up to see him shaking his head. That hard, cold look was back in his eyes. "Just when I think Vikings can't disappoint me any more. They'd rather give up one of their own in a superstitious attempt at bargaining than just stop the fighting."
Astrid watched his brooding stare. "You talk about Vikings like you aren't one."
"I'm not," he said immediately, voice harsh. He looked at her. "Vikings are cowardly killers who'd rather keep fighting something they don't understand than stop to even consider another option. And even when they do, they never consider peace." His eyes narrowed, and though his look was one of utter disgust it was clear he wasn't really directing it at her. "They consider something as barbaric as virgin sacrifice before they consider peace. What kind of people does that?"
Astrid shrugged. "They were afraid. People do strange things when they're afraid."
Hiccup nodded. "Yes they do. They lash out. And they'd rather lash out than try to understand. And not just with dragons." He looked at Toothless. "We've travelled far. Vikings have spread out far across the world; down through the southron kingdoms, even as far as the Mediterranean Sea and the Byzantine Empire. And what have they done? Conquer. Attack. Pillage and destroy. If it's not dragons, it's other people." He looked at her again. "Dragons fight because they have to. They raid because they have to. They fight back to defend themselves. Vikings fight because they can't conceive of peace. If there's one thing I've learned it's that dragons aren't the monsters. Humans are."
Astrid matched his glare. "And what about you?" she challenged. "You're human."
He dropped his eyes. "I didn't say I'm any better." He pushed off from the table. "I have work to do." He gestured to Toothless as he passed. "C'mon, bud. I need your help." Toothless stretched and purred and gave Astrid a wide smile before he followed Hiccup out of the cave.
Astrid watched them go, a frown curving her lips. "What's that supposed to mean?" She sighed, shaking her head, and turned back to her breakfast.
Xx
She screamed.
She screamed and she begged and pleaded and he didn't let go. She was strong but he was stronger, so much stronger than he used to be, and right now he had the advantage. He held her hands above her head with one of his while his other hand pressed her twisting hips into the stone. She had ignored him for so long. She hated him now, for a slew of things he'd had no control over and a handful of things he had. She would never want him this way, never give this to him willingly.
But she didn't have to be willing. He could take her. He would take her.
Astrid's shrieks filled the cave around them as he parted her legs and forced himself on her.
Xx
He awoke panting, Toothless's eyes wide and worried as they watched him.
Hiccup sat up, pushing off the heavy fur and wiping away the bangs plastered to his forehead. He pulled off the shirt that stuck to his back and chest and tossed it across the room. Toothless warbled beside him and Hiccup shook his head.
"I'm fine, bud, I'm fine," he said, his breathing still erratic. He rested his elbows on his legs and dropped his face into his hands. He felt tears brimming in his eyes and wiped them away. He was trembling; his mouth was dry and his chest felt tight. Hiccup kicked off the fur and climbed to his shaky feet. Toothless rumbled in concern but Hiccup waved him away. "I'm fine, I just…I need some water, okay? I'll be back soon."
He fumbled for his sword but couldn't find it, and the dying embers in the firepit weren't enough to look for it. Hiccup shrugged and stumbled towards the middle passageway out of the cavern. Light wasn't important; he could navigate these tunnels in his sleep, and he didn't want heat, not right now. The cold air was refreshing on his fevered skin.
His heart was pounding so hard he wondered if it was reverberating off the cave walls, or if that was just the sound of his footsteps and heavy breathing. He leaned a hand against the nearest wall, partially for support and part to help him find his way. Finally he staggered into the kitchen, moonlight and the dying fire providing barely enough illumination to see. Hiccup lurched across the room and fell to his knees beside the stream. He scooped up the cool water and drank eagerly before splashing it over his face. He stood and grabbed a wooden bowl from the nearest table and used it to douse his head and back. Hiccup shivered; the water was frigid but refreshing. It helped to snatch him from the remnant of his nightmare and anchor him to the here and now. He let the bowl roll away as he sat back against the cave wall and drew his knees close to his chest. He rested his elbows against them and pressed his palms into his eyes.
"I wouldn't have done it," he mumbled to himself, "I wouldn't have done it. I didn't do it, because I wouldn't have." Hiccup shook his head. "I wouldn't have. I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't."
"Hiccup?"
Hiccup's head snapped up. Standing in the doorway was Astrid, wrapped in a thick blanket with her hair loose and flowing over her shoulder and her little torch in her hand. She was frowning at him, her brows furrowed in concern.
"Astrid?"
She took a tentative step closer to him. "Hiccup, are you okay?"
Hiccup cleared his throat and shook his head, icy water droplets shaking loose and dripping onto his shoulders. He shivered. "Yeah, yeah. Not that you care, but yeah."
"Well I do sort of care," Astrid said, lighting the fire with her torch before extinguishing it and dropping it by the hearth. She approached and leaned down to inspect him. The front of her—his, actually—tunic drooped low and he caught a glimpse down it when he looked up. He quickly averted his eyes. "In a, if-you-die-I'm-screwed sort of way. Plus I would hate to have to break the news to Toothless." He caught her growing frown out of the corner of his eye. "Are you sure you're alright?"
"Yes, Astrid," Hiccup replied, his tone harsher than he'd intended. "Sorry," he added. "I'm fine. What are you doing up?"
Astrid straightened up and Hiccup looked back at her. She held up a clay jug. "Thirsty. Kinda hungry, too." She knelt by the stream and began filling the jug with water. She turned her head to look at him and her hair fell over her shoulder; a golden waterfall that shimmered in the soft glow from the fledgling fire. It was longer than he'd realized. The blonde waves fell at least to her waist, perhaps her hips at the longest. "What about you?" She looked at him and for a moment Hiccup forgot how to answer.
Damn her.
He wasn't as hopelessly in love with her as he had been when they were kids, but he couldn't deny to himself that an attraction had arisen anew, at least physically. She was as stunning as she'd always been, more so even, now that she'd grown up.
Those beautiful plump pink lips twisted into a frown.
"Hiccup?" He blinked. "Hiccup, are you sure you're okay? You look really pale." Hiccup shook his head and dropped his gaze.
"I'm fine."
"You don't look fine." Astrid shuffled over and sat down beside him. "Any particular reason you're sitting half-naked and wet in the dark in the middle of the night?"
"It's nothing," he lied, "It's stupid. Just ah, just a…bad dream. It's dumb. Doesn't matter."
"Oh." He glanced at Astrid, who had set her jug down beside her and was playing with a few strands of her hair. "I could sing you my little sister's bad dream song?" She gave him a smile that faded quickly when he didn't return it. She pursed her lips. "What was your dream about?"
Hiccup looked away. "It doesn't matter. Just go back to bed, I'm fine."
"You don't have to be so mean about it, I was just trying to help," Astrid said quietly. "I was curious as to what you could possibly be afraid of."
That made Hiccup look up. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Astrid shrugged, working on a small braid in part of her hair. "What's the boy who trained a dragon got left to be afraid of?"
A smile tugged at the corner of Hiccup's lips unbidden. "Just because I'm not afraid of dragons doesn't mean I'm not afraid of anything." Astrid looked at him.
"Then what are you afraid of?"
Hiccup sighed and cast his eyes towards the starry sky above them. "Lots of things. The usual stuff, I guess. Death, terrible illness…I'm not too fond of spiders." Astrid elbowed him and Hiccup smiled. "The tail rig breaking, my dad-"
"Your dad?"
He looked at Astrid to see her giving him a quizzical frown. Hiccup blinked at her. "Yeah, my dad. Why?"
"You're afraid of your dad?"
Hiccup shifted under her gaze. "Yeah, isn't everyone a little afraid of their parents?"
Astrid's eyebrows drew further together. "Not really, no."
Hiccup shrugged. "Well, you know what I mean. Everyone's a little afraid of their parents when it comes to getting in trouble."
Astrid nodded, but the concerned confusion didn't leave her face. "No one wants to get in trouble, but I'm not sure that's really the same as being afraid of their parents."
"Oh." Hiccup stared at his feet. "Well, not everyone has a dad like mine, I guess."
They were silent for a minute; the whole time Hiccup could feel Astrid staring at him. Finally she spoke. "Things really weren't good between you and your dad, were they?"
Hiccup shook his head. "No. They weren't."
There was another moment of silence before Astrid began, her voice gentler than he had heard it in a lot time, "Hiccup? Did your dad ever…I mean," Hiccup looked up and watched Astrid frowning at her hands. "He didn't ever like, hit you, or anything, did he?"
"No," Hiccup answered immediately, shaking his head, and Astrid looked at him. "No, I mean he wasn't ever abusive, or anything like that. He just wasn't…" Hiccup shrugged. "I don't know, he just wasn't much of anything. If he wasn't yelling at me because I'd screwed something up then he just kind of ignored me."
Hiccup decided he did not like the look of sympathy Astrid was giving him. It was more than sympathy. It was pity. He considered saying something; telling her that he didn't need her pity. That he'd left that life behind a long time ago and that his father's disapproval no longer meant anything to him. But he stopped himself. She didn't mean anything by it. Not everyone had parents like his father, apparently. She was trying to be understanding, not unkind.
"It could be worse," she said, trying a bitter smile. "My parents gave me up to be raped and murdered."
Hiccup gave her a small smile in return and reached out what was meant to be a comforting hand on her shoulder, but Astrid flinched, her arm recoiling away from his touch. Hiccup's hand hovered in midair for a second before he retracted it. Astrid looked away from him, a hint of fear in her eyes as she readjusted the blanket around her shoulders.
"Astrid?" Hiccup asked, noticing how she seemed suddenly uncomfortable. "Are you scared of me?"
She was quiet for a long moment. Finally, very softly and without looking at him she whispered, "Yes." She hugged herself a little tighter and sat up straight in what seemed to be an attempt at bravado. "It'd be stupid of me not to."
Hiccup watched the tension in her jaw, the flexing muscle in her neck. She was nervous. "Why?"
She looked at him, eyes full of fear and incredulity. "Why do you think?" She bit her bottom lip and shrugged. "As long as I'm here you hold all the cards, all the power. You're perfectly capable of hurting me if you wanted to, you made that abundantly clear."
Hiccup frowned at her. "I'm not going to hurt you, Astrid, I've said that over and over."
Astrid's eyes narrowed. "Yes. You have. You've said that a lot. And as much as I'd love to believe you I put myself in danger the second I do." The lines around her eyes softened and she looked more afraid than angry. "Trusting what men say is how girls get hurt in this world." She seemed to shrink into herself, and it occurred to Hiccup that he had never seen her look this vulnerable. "I spent four days sitting in a locked room waiting for a dragon raid, knowing that the best I could hope for was a quick death while also being aware that it was very, very unlikely that I would get off that easy." Her eyebrows drew together and she looked away from him, towards the fire, and Hiccup was surprised to see the shine of tears in her eyes. "You have no idea what that's like," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. She swallowed. "I would like to think I'm safer with you, and in some ways maybe I am." Her brows were furrowed when she looked at him again. "But the fact is that I don't know you, Hiccup. I didn't know you that well when we were kids and I don't know you that well now. I don't know what you're capable of."
She turned away and her face disappeared behind the curtain of her hair. Hiccup watched her for a long moment, completely at a loss.
"Astrid," he said finally, "I'm not going to hurt you."
"Hiccup-"
He reached out and grasped her hand tightly in his own. Astrid whimpered and when she snatched her hand away he let her. There it was again, that fear in her eyes. He could only hope she could see the apology in his. "Astrid. I swear, on the gods, on Toothless, on anything you want me to, that I am not going to hurt you in any way." Her eyes widened slightly but he knew she was far from convinced. Hiccup sighed. "I know that what I did that first day crossed a line. I wanted to scare you, I wanted…I don't know. You were causing problems and I just wanted to make sure you weren't going to continue to bother me like that. I handled that really badly. You'd just spent several days thinking you were likely going to be raped." Hiccup wet his lips. "Making you think I was going to do that to you was way out of line. And I'm sorry. I really, really am truly sorry for how I've treated you. What can I do to prove to you that I won't hurt you?"
Astrid sighed. "Aside from taking me home?"
Hiccup felt his stomach drop. "Astrid, you know I can't." She opened her mouth to protest but he cut her off. "Berk has just seen that their offering failed. Until I see how they're going to handle that, I really don't think it's safe there for you." He watched Astrid's shoulders droop. "I'm sorry," he added. "But in the meantime I want you to feel safe here."
Astrid sighed again, looking at her hands. "Well. If I'm going to be here for a while then there's something I need you to do. And you're not going to like it."
Hiccup sat up straighter. "Whatever you need, milady."
"Don't call me that," Astrid snapped, but softened almost immediately. "I need you to get me some things from home. Not anything that would be missed," she added at the look on his face, "just a few things I can't go much longer without. Like some real shoes." Even in the dim light he could see the blush stealing over her face. "And. Well. I can't keep washing my underwear and bindings every single night and hoping they dry before morning."
Hiccup felt his face turning red. If she washed her underclothes and hung them up to dry every night, then what was she wearing now? Was she wearing anything now? "Are you—are you saying that you want me to break into your house and steal your undergarments?"
Astrid's face turned scarlet. "I'm not saying I want you to!" she growled, "Just that I sort of need you to. And. That's not the only thing." She huffed a sigh and refused to look at him. "I need you to go soon. Like, in the next couple of days. I've got a little box in my trunk at home with things I'm going to need really soon."
Hiccup cocked his head to the side. "What kind of things? What do you need? I've got a lot of things here, and I can get almost anything at the open market next week-"
Astrid shook her head. "This isn't something you're likely to have laying around, and I don't think it can wait until next week. I've got a few more days at most."
Hiccup frowned. "A few more days until what?"
He watched Astrid's mouth squirming. She huffed again. "Until I start bleeding, okay?"
"Bleeding? I've got bandages if you get hurt-"
"Not that kind of bleeding," Astrid hissed.
Hiccup blinked at her. "Wait, if not that kind of bleeding, then what do you—oh. You mean, like-"
"Yes."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
An awkward silence overtook them.
"So?"
Astrid was staring at him hopefully from underneath her bangs. Hiccup nodded. "I'm completely out of my depth when it comes to that sort of thing. You want me to go get your box, then…okay. It's too late to go tonight, but I'll go tomorrow if there's no raids anywhere else."
Astrid nodded. "Thank you." She stood, and paused, looking down at him with a strange expression on her face. Then she took the blanket off her shoulders and wrapped it around his.
"You must be cold," she said simply, and gave him a small shy smile before she left the room.
Hiccup watched her go, and once she'd left he pulled the blanket tighter around his shoulders. It was warm from her body heat, and when he buried his nose in it he could smell her, that same delicious earthy scent he'd smelled on her the day she'd kissed him. He could remember the sweet smell of her when he'd pressed his lips into the side of her pale neck…
He didn't like remembering that day. He told himself that he wouldn't have done it. That he never would have taken it any further; that as soon as she told him to stop that he would have, every time.
What he didn't like admitting was that he could have.
In that moment, he could have. Astrid was a Viking. A heartless killer, and it would have been so easy for his ears to fall deaf to her pleas. He'd wanted to teach her a lesson. He'd felt powerful. He'd felt miles away from the boy who peered at her from behind the grindstone at the forge. It wasn't even about sex. Seeing Astrid, someone he had always associated with strength and fearlessness cowering beneath him had made him feel stronger than he had in a long time…
It scared him. He'd left Berk because he couldn't kill a dragon. When did the boy who couldn't kill a dragon become a man who could have raped Astrid?
Hiccup drew his legs closer to his chest. "I wouldn't have done it," he whispered again, squeezing his eyes shut and knocking his head against his knees. "I wouldn't have done it."
He choked back a sob, and wondered, not for the first time, when dragons had started seeming more like people to him than people did.
