Update 11/23/2018: Just minor typo and wording fixes. It's funny, I remember struggling so hard to write this chapter, and yet looking back on it even all this time later, and I'm so proud of the finished product. WORTH REMEMBERING: When I wrote this chapter, RTTE wasn't a thing yet, so Heather's characterization is based entirely on what little we saw of her in ROB and DOB, with the understanding that her life probably has actually gone a little simpler and differently than it would have in the show's canon. And while I may have a lot of disdain for what rtte did to Heather's character, I didn't have anything against her when I wrote this.

On with the show. Warnings: super vaguely alluded to sexy things...non-hiccstrid sexy things RUH-ROH


Chapter 11: Hardest of Hearts

Astrid awoke to sore thighs, an aching back, wind burned cheeks, and the overwhelming feeling that she was the dumbest person to ever walk the earth.

At some point during the night she'd dreamed that she hadn't actually kissed Hiccup, but had merely dreamed that she'd kissed Hiccup, only to wake from that dream and remember that nope, yeah, she had definitely actually kissed Hiccup. That had happened. She had done it.

Thor strike her dead, she had done it.

Astrid groaned and buried her face in a pillow. She'd been so sure of everything last night, but in the stark light of day she was reeling. She'd had the chance to go home and turned it down. Hiccup had flirted with her and she had let him.

She had kissed Hiccup and enjoyed it, and worst of all, she wasn't sure she regretted it.

She felt like an idiot and had no idea how she was going to face him, but it had been the best kiss she'd ever had, and she couldn't quite find it in her to regret doing it, and that terrified her most of all. She shouldn't have done it. She knew she shouldn't have done it. Her whole world had been flipped upside down; she had no business throwing a romantic entanglement into the middle of it. What was she supposed to do? Stay with him? Continue on with this strange little domestic arrangement they had? Tend his garden? Mend his clothes? Nag him about the dirty dishes and his drinking problem?

It wasn't a bad life, really, but she had never been content with the thought of being a housewife, and she couldn't deny that was essentially what she was becoming, minus the sex.

Which was another issue entirely.

She knew how Hiccup was with girls. He'd told her what he was like with girls. And she had no intention of being with him that way, not for a long time, at least. But if she got involved with him, he'd have expectations of her, surely…

Astrid groaned again and pulled the heavy furs over her head. Everything was a mess. She wasn't sure where she fit into the world anymore. She couldn't go back to Berk, she knew that. But she couldn't stay here either, could she? With a dragon-sympathizing vigilante with a drinking problem who liked seducing girls off fishing boats?

That boy she had known might still be inside him somewhere, but the boy in the forge was buried deep underneath the short temper and the dragons and the vices. Surely no good would come of trying to dig him out.

She laid in bed until her stomach was grumbling so loudly that she could not ignore it any longer. She dressed and braided her hair as slowly as she feasibly could. It was so late in the morning that surely Hiccup had finished his breakfast and was busy with other things, she told herself as she meandered to the little kitchen. Surely.

There was nothing to worry about. By now he and Toothless were probably several miles up and a few dozen miles away.

Or maybe they'd been out late last night and Hiccup had slept in and was just now eating breakfast because the gods hated her. He looked up when she entered the room, his lips quirking in an attempt at a smile around his mouthful of bread. Astrid spared him a brief smile before fixing her eyes firmly ahead of her. She could feel his gaze on her as she buttered bread and sliced fruit for her breakfast.

It was a dreary morning; icy rain dinged against the leather tarp that covered the open roof of the cave. That must be why Hiccup and Toothless weren't flying today. She sat down beside him on the wooden bench he'd built at her request. ("Don't you ever get tired of sitting on the table or on crates and stuff?" "No?" "Well I do. Make some chairs or something.")

"Morning," he said, his voice lilting up, the greeting itself forming a question as to why she was ignoring him.

"Good morning," she replied, voice clipped and eyes on her food.

They fell into uneasy silence. Astrid stared at her plate and willed herself to eat even though anxiety set her stomach churning.

"So." Astrid's chest tightened.

Please don't bring it up. Please don't bring it up. Please don't bring it up.

"You kissed me."

"Yes I did."

Please just drop it, please just drop it, please just drop it.

"Why?"

Astrid pushed the fruit around on her plate, still not looking at him. She shrugged, trying for nonchalance. "Oh, you know, just a friendly little thank you kiss for yesterday."

Hiccup snorted. "Is that what you're going with?"

Astrid frowned at her food. "That's all it was."

"Really?" Hiccup sounded unconvinced.

"Yes."

"Just a friendly thank you kiss?"

"Yes."

One of Hiccup's hands was suddenly in front of her, taking her plate from her hands and sitting it on the bench beside them. She was about to protest when he pinched her chin between his thumb and forefinger and forced her to look at him. She stared with wide eyes as he leaned in and kissed her cheek. His eyes were intense as he watched her.

"That was a friendly thank-you kiss," he said, his voice low. His eyes dropped to her lips and she couldn't move as he pressed another brief kiss against her lips. It was no more than a swift peck but she still had to stop herself from following him when he pulled away. "That was a friendly thank-you kiss." His eyes were burning and his voice gravelly when he spoke. "What you gave me last night was not a friendly thank-you kiss."

Astrid swallowed; her mouth felt dry and her heart was pounding in her ears. "It didn't mean anything." She wanted to wince at how breathless she sounded. Even to her own ears she sounded unsure.

"That's a lie and you know it."

She shook her head as much as she could with her chin still in his grip. "No, it's n—"

He tilted her face towards his and pressed his lips to hers.

She melted into him without meaning to, something loosening in her chest, a comfortable warmth spreading through her limbs. There was more force behind this kiss; a restrained passion simmering below the surface of the gentle pressure. Hiccup drew her bottom lip into his mouth and ran his tongue along it in lazy stripes, sending a shiver down her spine.

Her lips chased his without her consent when he drew back, and when her eyes fluttered open he was giving her a smug smirk. "Like I said," Oh damn him. Damn that sly, sexy smile and that husky voice. And damn his clever, stupid brain. "What you gave me last night was not a friendly thank-you kiss."

She jerked away from his grasp. "It didn't mean anything," she said, an edge to her voice.

Hiccup's eyes narrowed. "Astrid—"

"It didn't mean anything," she repeated, louder this time, picking up her plate only to have him take it from her again.

"Bullshit, it didn't mean anything," Hiccup growled. He reached for her, leaning in, but Astrid pulled away, standing and turning to glare at him.

She held up a hand, her finger pointing right in his face. "If you kiss me again I swear I'll knock your teeth out. It. Meant. Nothing."

Hiccup matched her glare. "That's a lie and you know it."

Astrid pursed her lips. "It doesn't matter if it's a lie or not, you still have to take it." His left eyebrow lifted just slightly and Astrid panicked. "Not that I'm saying it is a lie, because it isn't!" she clarified as her stomach did a barrel roll. Hiccup stood and took a step towards her. Astrid backed up, her hand still held out to block him. "You're a good kisser, okay?" she said, wondering if she sounded as hysterical to his ears as she did to hers. "You're a good kisser, and I don't have a lot of experience with that kind of thing, and, and I was vulnerable." He kept walking towards her and Astrid kept backing up. "I was confused. I was confused and vulnerable and you were there. It meant nothing."

Her back hit the opposite wall and she barely had time to blink before Hiccup's hands were on her, one tangled in her hair at the base of her braid and the other grabbed her waist and dragged her into him. His lips crashed into hers and she whimpered. He kissed her hard, his lips insistent and pleading, working so passionately against hers that she wasn't even sure how to begin to reciprocate. His tongue forced past her lips and met the gate of her teeth.

Her hands found his chest and she shoved him hard. He took a stumbling step back, panting. He opened his mouth, but she cut him off before he could speak. "I want to find passage on a ship." She watched his face open in confusion. She swallowed, trying to catch her own breath. "I made my decision. I can't stay here. I can't—I can't be your odd little housekeeper anymore. And I can't go back, so I'll go somewhere new. Start over." She nodded. "That's my decision."

Hiccup stared her down. "Is that really what you want?"

"Yes," she said, even as some voice in the back of her mind yelled no.

She couldn't want him.

"Fine." It was like he pulled something out of her chest when he turned and walked away. Some piece of her was tied to a string and he'd yanked it out, but she knew better than to chase it.

She wanted to say something but she didn't know what. She didn't know what to tell him, how to tell him. She only wanted not to lose the fragile friendship they'd built. She opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted by a loud screech from above.

Through the hole in the leather tarp through which the smoke from the fire escaped had just swooped a bright green Terrible Terror. The little dragon circled the room for a minute before landing on Hiccup's shoulder and scrambling up onto his head. Its buggy yellow eyes fixed on her and it screeched again. Astrid stared, both at the sudden appearance of the dragon and Hiccup's complete lack of reaction to it. He merely reached up, plucked the Terror off of his head, and cuddled it in his lap while he did something to its leg. It was then that Astrid noticed the dragon had something small and leather attached to its leg from which Hiccup pulled a rolled up piece of paper.

The Terror slipped from his lap and scuttled over to her, sniffing curiously at her leg before it half-leapt, half-flew onto her shoulder. Astrid swatted it away and it squawked indignantly at her before scuffling off and curling up on the floor near the fire. Hiccup was frowning at something on the paper when she turned her attention back to him.

"Did that dragon just bring you a letter?"

Hiccup nodded. "Terror mail. Terrible Terrors are excellent trackers so they're great for sending messages."

"And who's gonna be sending you messages?"

"None of your business," Hiccup snapped, balling up the slip of paper and tossing it into the fire. "But if you want to hop a ship I can take you tomorrow if the rain lets up. There will be lots of ships resting in ports for the holiday. You should have no trouble finding someone to take you faraway." There was a distinct bitterness to his voice and he wouldn't look at her, and it was like they were back to that first couple of weeks, when they couldn't have a conversation without yelling at each other.

"Hiccup, I'm sorry."

"What do you have to apologize for?" She didn't like that hard tone, that harsh glare he was directing at his bacon. "It's not your fault I was dumb enough to think you would ever want me."

It was nearly enough to break her resolve. She wanted to tell him that she did want him, that she had wanted him when they were kids. But she couldn't. She couldn't tell him and she couldn't want him. Not the way things were.

So instead Astrid cleared her throat and asked, "Can they be trained to go anywhere?"

"Sailors?"

"Terrors."

Hiccup glanced up at her. "Pretty much. Why?"

"No reason."

Hiccup's attention returned to his food and after a while Astrid returned to her own breakfast. They sat and ate in silence as icy as the rain pinging off the roof above them.

Xx

"Get your bag, we're leaving."

These were the most words Astrid had heard from Hiccup in two days. Following their conversation he had ignored her for the rest of that day and into late evening the next, at which point he had said those words to her and dropped into silence again.

Astrid stared forlornly at the moon hanging over them. Not even the view of the soft masses of clouds around them could lift her spirits. She'd hurt Hiccup, it seemed, though she couldn't honestly say if it was his heart she'd wounded or his pride. They'd had a good thing going, and then she'd had a spectacular momentary lapse of judgment and ruined everything. The other night she had fit so perfectly in Hiccup's arms as they flew; now she held her arms loosely around his waist, afraid to let go but afraid to hold any tighter.

It was a long, silent, painful flight, and Astrid was glad when land finally loomed in the distance. It was a big town, she could tell from here. Dozens of ships were settled in the harbor, and there were fires and lights all over the town, clearly marking the Snoggletog festivities. They circled around to land in a wooded area outside the town, and Astrid's stomach tangled into knots.

"Leave your bag here; you won't be leaving tonight even if you do find a ship. And stay close to me; it's easy to get separated in the crowd…" Astrid stood idly by and said nothing as Hiccup listed off the things she should and shouldn't do and say once they got into town. He still wouldn't look at her, too busy gathering some things from various pockets in Toothless's saddle and stashing them in a small bag hung from his belt.

He was dressed normally for once; instead of his usual riding leather he had simple green tunic under a leather vest and winter jacket. It was important to look normal, inconspicuous; that was one of the things he'd told her. She wasn't to mention she was from Berk. She wasn't to mention much of anything, actually, but to let him do all the talking.

Much like right now.

They'd left Toothless by a stream and headed down the side of a hill towards the outskirts of the town, neither of them speaking. There was a rift between them, and Astrid hated it. If she was going to be saying goodbye soon she didn't want to leave on such bad terms. She pulled her fur-lined cloak closer around her and cleared her throat.

"Hiccup?"

He grunted in reply.

"I'm sorry. For, you know, everything. I made a mistake."

Hiccup raised an eyebrow at her. "What was the mistake? Kissing me or pretending the kiss didn't mean anything?"

She sighed. "Hiccup, that's not fair—"

He scoffed. "No, you know what's not fair, Astrid?" He glared at her. "Kissing me like that and then claiming there's nothing between us." He huffed, his breath misting in front of him. "It's not fair to jerk me around like that."

Astrid cast her eyes to the ground and kept them there, watching for branches or brambles in her way. "I didn't mean to," she said quietly. "I just wanted to—I don't know. I don't know what I was thinking." She squeezed her eyes shut and grit her teeth against her next question. "What would it matter if there was something between us?"

Hiccup stopped walking but she kept going. "…do you want there to be something between us?" Astrid kept her eyes straight ahead.

"It doesn't matter if I do," she said. "What am I supposed to do? Stay with you? Live in a mountain with a dragon?"

Hiccup caught up with her, walking close while he spoke, and Astrid had to look the opposite direction to keep from seeing him in her periphery. "You could help me," he pled, "Once the weather warms up and the dragons migrate back they'll start putting traps out. I can teach you to fly; you can help me rescue them. You could help me steal supplies during raids." He grabbed her hand. "Astrid please," he begged, and Astrid squeezed her eyes closed again, trying to block out the image in her mind of his green eyes wide and pleading. "Stay with me."

She sighed. "If I promise to consider it will you let go of my hand?"

Hiccup's grip loosened and she slipped her hand free.

The rest of the journey was taken in silence.

At last they reached the town, and Astrid stared in awe around her. She'd never been anywhere other than Berk before, and even knowing her village was relatively small she'd never really been able to picture a sprawling larger town before. The buildings were all built so much closer together, and Snoggletog decorations and lanterns were strung between the rooftops. People were milling about everywhere, and staying close to Hiccup became such a challenge that at last she grabbed his hand just to keep from losing him. He leaned close to her ear and said, "This way," before pulling her off a side street. In the distance she could see boats, but they turned down another street and he led her into the door of a building from which she could hear raucous noise.

There was an explosion of music and laughter as soon as they were through the doorway. They were in a tavern clearly, if the number of barmaids carrying huge mugs of mead and men toasting each other drunkenly was any indication. And a seedy tavern, judging by the scantily-dressed women sitting on men's laps. Astrid's lip curled and she leaned close to Hiccup's ear. "What are we doing here?"

"Finding you a ship," he replied, grinning at her. "You want to find sailors during Snoggletog, they're going to be celebrating just like anyone else. And if they've been on icy winter seas for a while then there are two things they're going to want: a drink and a woman."

They wove through the crowd to the bar, where a plump, busty middle-aged woman with dark curls beamed at Hiccup upon seeing them. "Hic!" she shouted, ignoring the group of men clamoring for her attention and making her way over to them. "How are you, m'boy, I haven't seen you here in a while!" She narrowed her eyes at him, though a smile pulled at her lips. "Haven't been drinking anywhere else, have you?"

Hiccup laughed. "Hilde, why would I go anywhere else? The whole barbaric archipelago knows you brew the best Winter's Ale there is."

The woman, Hilde, laughed heartily and gave him a proud smile. "That I do, and don't you ever forget it! Can I get you some? It'll warm those skinny bones of yours on a night like this." Her eyes slid over his shoulder and landed on Astrid. Her thick black eyebrows rose. "If you haven't found something else to warm your bones with."

Hiccup laughed nervously and shot a glance at Astrid. "Oh, ha, uh, no, this, uh, this is Astrid. A friend I'm helping get passage on a ship out of town. But we'll take some ale, yeah." Hilde winked at him.

"Two of my best Winter's Ales coming right up. And you just let me know if you need anything else, alright Hic? A drink, or a room—"

"We're good, thanks, Hilde!" Hiccup said, taking their drinks from Hilde and steering Astrid away from the bar. They found a table in an area that wasn't swarming with people and settled down. Astrid took a huge swig from her mug as soon as Hiccup handed it to her.

"I take it this is usually where you bring your conquests?" she said, a hint of bitterness in her tone.

Hiccup cleared his throat. "Yeah," he mumbled into his drink.

"Hiccup!"

They looked up to see a girl their age with black hair pushing through the crowd towards them. Hiccup's face lit up at the sight of her and he got to his feet. "Heather, hey!"

Astrid's mood immediately soured. So this was Heather. She watched the girl give Hiccup a brief hug, grinning at him. "I guess you got my letter?"

"Yeah, it came yesterday morning." Astrid frowned into her drink. Heather was pretty, she supposed. Her hair was long and silky even if it was black, and she had a nice enough figure and a pretty enough face.

"I hadn't heard back from you, I was kind of worried my little messenger got caught up in the storm."

"Nah, he made it alright, he just didn't want to go back out. I was already gonna be in town on some business anyway, so I knew I'd see you."

Astrid's eyes narrowed. So Heather was the one who sent the letter, and Hiccup knew he was going to be seeing her tonight. And still he picked tonight to bring her here.

"What kind of business?" She looked genuinely fascinated, and Astrid had to resist the urge to snort. There was no reason to look that interested about anything Hiccup had said so far. That hand on his arm, was that really necessary? No, of course not.

"Oh, well," Hiccup turned back to look at her, an uneasy smile on his face. "Well, Heather, this is Astrid. She's a friend of mine. Astrid," his smile was almost pained as he looked between them. "This is Heather. She's an old friend." That time Astrid really did snort. As if she didn't know exactlywhat Heather was to him.

She gave Heather her best fake smile, the kind that girls everywhere know to mean 'I'm being nice to you because I have to be, not because I want to be'. "Hi."

"Hello," Heather said, her own smile not quite reaching her eyes as she glanced back and forth between Astrid and Hiccup, who was watching the two girls anxiously. "So, you're a friend of Hiccup's?"

Astrid rolled her eyes and took another drink of her ale. "You can stop giving me that look; he's only fucked one of us."

Heather's eyes went wide and she looked to Hiccup, who was wincing. "Astrid is from Berk," he said, swinging his hands at his side. "And she's trying to find a ship that can take her somewhere not-Berk.

"Oh." Heather eyed her curiously, while Astrid pretended to be bored. "Well. We might have room on my dad's boat."

Oh, she was not spending weeks on a boat with a girl Hiccup was sleeping with.

Hiccup grinned at her. "That'd be great."

That would not be great, but Astrid couldn't think of a nice way to say it with Heather there so she settled for scowling into her mug.

"Uh, Hiccup," Heather was saying, and it didn't escape Astrid's notice that the girl was watching her out of the corner of her eye. "Can I talk to you for a minute, privately?"

"Uh, sure." He glanced at Astrid. "I'll be right back." She gave him a curt nod and pretended to be engrossed in her drink as Hiccup and Heather disappeared into the crowd. She surveyed the room, trying to see any men who were obviously sailors. Surely she could find a better travel option. On the upside traveling with Heather meant she wouldn't need a cover story. On the other hand, Heather. Who was probably a very nice girl, but nonetheless a very nice girl Hiccup had bedded. Whether there was something between her and Hiccup or not, Astrid did not want to spend weeks or months with the girl to whom Hiccup had lost his virginity. It was too weird.

"Astrid?" She turned around to find Hiccup was back at their table, sans Heather, and was wringing his hands together as he watched her. His brow was furrowed and his lips were parted to reveal clenched teeth. "Uh, look, Heather has a room upstairs, and, well—"

Astrid pursed her lips and resisted the urge to glare. "And she invited you up?"

He winced. "Yeah."

Astrid hummed and idly swirled the contents of her mug. "Are you going to go?"

She glanced up at Hiccup's sigh. "I—unless there's some reason I shouldn't."

She knew what he was asking.

He wanted to know if there was any hope for the two of them; if there was anything between them that should stop him from going upstairs with Heather. Astrid had to resist the urge to slap him.

Because how dare he even need to ask.

Because of course there was something between them. It was something that she couldn't allow to happen, but there was something. Or at least she had thought there was. But how dare he? How dare he? How dare he accuse her of leading him on when he could so easily set her aside and climb into bed with another girl? If he really liked her the way he'd insinuated he did, then he shouldn't have to ask her permission. He shouldn't even have been considering it. If he wanted her then he shouldn't be wanting anyone else. That's how this was supposed to work.

Unless this wasn't the same thing to him as it was to her.

She felt like an idiot. Of course it wasn't the same thing to him. She'd been falling for him, and for him this was probably about nothing but sex. That's how he was with girls; why should she have expected to be any different?

Astrid smiled even as she wanted to sneer. "Nope, no reason that I can think of," she said far too brightly, and she saw how it made Hiccup frown.

"No reason at all?"

Astrid shrugged. "Nope. Have fun." She leaned back in her seat and took another sip of her drink, hoping the buzz would kick in soon, because the last thing she wanted right now was to be sober.

Hiccup's expression darkened. "Fine. I'll see you later."

"Fine. Don't forget to pull out." Hiccup shot her a dirty look over his shoulder as he disappeared into the crowd.

Astrid downed the rest of her drink in one gulp and glared at her empty mug.

"Astrid?"

Astrid's head snapped up and her eyes widened at the dark-haired young man pushing through the crowd towards her.

"Eret?" He grinned at her and took a seat at her table. "I-what are-hi." She gave him a smile.

"Hello, love, I thought that was you," he said, pouring some of the mead from his mug into hers. "You're a long way from Berk. What are you doing way out here, especially this time of year? It's a holiday for you Viking folk, isn't it?"

Astrid nodded and gladly took a sip from her newly-refilled mug. "It's a long story. I'm kind of trying to get away from home, actually. Better question, what are you doing out here this time of year? You're a southern boy; shouldn't you be back home by now?"

Eret shrugged. "I go where the work takes me, when the work takes me, and right now the work is up north."

A seed of panic settled in Astrid's chest. A whole crew of sailors who recognized her from Berk was the last thing she needed... "Wait, so if you're here, then the rest of your crew-"

"Oh, no, no," Eret shook his head and took a generous gulp of his mead. "No, I'm not still with the same crew I was with when I visited Berk. No, that was just some side work for the summer while my own vessel was being repaired."

Astrid sat up a little straighter, panic dissipating. "You have your own ship?"

Eret gave her the dashing grin Ruffnut had fallen head-over-heels in love with last summer when he and the rest of a crew of gorgeous sailors had landed on Berk. "Of course I have my own ship. Wouldn't be much of a dragon trapper without one."

Astrid sank back into her seat. "You're a dragon trapper?"

Eret nodded. "Berk is pretty well defended, but not all villages fare quite so well. There's good money in helping rid them of the problem, and of course there's some folks that'll pay a lot of money for live dragons."

Astrid frowned at her mug. "Oh."

"Something wrong?"

She shrugged. "I'm trying to find a ship that'll take me somewhere new. I was going to ask if I could come with you, but…" I no longer believe in fighting dragons? I don't want to watch these beautiful creatures I've come to understand aren't dangerous being captured? "I'm kind of trying to get away from dragons and dragon fighting."

"Really?" Eret raised a thick eyebrow at her "If I remember correctly, you were one of the best warriors your village had."

She tried to look nonchalant. "Some things have happened since then. It's a long story. Anyway I just want to get away from Berk for a while."

Eret hummed into his drink. "They trying to force you into marriage and motherhood and all that?"

Astrid's lip quirked. "Something like that."

Eret's brow lifted higher and he gave her an amused smirk. "I'll admit I'm intrigued but I get the feeling you don't want to talk about it. So I'll let you go if you tell me what a girl like you is doing in a place like this." He waved a hand around the room. "I mean, I wouldn't be surprised to find someone like, say, that mad friend of yours here, but you? I never would have guessed it." He winced. "Was she mad when she found out that we—"

"Never told her," Astrid cut him off quickly.

"Don't blame you." Eret tilted his chair back on two legs and rested his feet on the table. "Speaking of which, since I can't imagine you coming to this place of your own free will, you here with someone?"

"Well, I have a friend who brought me here. He's supposed to be helping me find passage on a ship."

" 'He'? And are you here with this friend of yours?"

Astrid felt like a weight had just been dropped into her stomach. She took another long swill of mead. She was finally starting to get a decent buzz going, thank the gods. The noise around her had gone from annoying clamor to pleasant ambiance, and she was starting to feel warm and comfortable, until the mention of her companion came up.

"Sort of," Astrid said, scowling into her mug.

Eret chuckled at her sudden change in mood. "What does 'sort of' mean?"

Astrid glared at the honey golden liquid. "Well, I thought there might be something between us, but he's upstairs fucking another girl right now, so apparently not."

Eret's eyebrows shot to his hairline. "Why'd he go upstairs with another girl?"

"Because I told him to."

"Well, what'd you do that for?"

"Because I'm an idiot." Astrid drained her mug and flagged down a passing barmaid. "Hey." She gestured vaguely towards the empty mug. "Can I have some more…anything?"

Eret raised a hand. "And for me." He looked at Astrid as the woman scampered off. "You're going to have to give me a little more than that."

Astrid smiled wryly at the table. "I kissed him and then I told him it didn't mean anything."

"Did it?" She frowned. On the one hand, Astrid was not one to divulge her secrets easily, even to herself. On the other hand, Eret was half a stranger and she was starting to feel tipsy, so what the hel?

"Yeah." The barmaid returned with more drinks that Eret offered to pay for and Astrid gulped more down. "So then along comes Heather, and he's all, 'Oh, she's got a room, is there any reason I shouldn't go up with her?' " Astrid felt her blood begin to boil just thinking about it. "And in my head I'm like, 'Hel yes, there's a reason you shouldn't go up with her; it's called you were yelling at me for leading you on an hour ago!' " She took another gulp, ignoring the voice in the back of her head that told her to slow down. "I mean, if he really was interested in me, he shouldn't even want to be up there with fucking Heather, right?"

Eret studied her over the lip of his mug. "And you told him that?"

Astrid shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "Well, no, I told him to go. Because I'm an idiot. But only because he's an idiot."

Eret hummed noncommittally. "He's probably trying to get over you. And you did give him your blessing. If you wanted him to believe that you aren't interested that's a damn good way to do it."

"Yeah."

"Except for the obvious problem where you are interested in him. So why did you tell him you weren't?"

Astrid sank in her seat. "I don't know. I'm having a bit of a personal crisis. I don't know what I want, I don't know who I am or who I'm supposed to be anymore. I've always been a fighter but now I'm not sure what I'm supposed to fight."

Eret raised an eyebrow at this, and for a moment regarded her suspiciously before smirking and saying, "Well, you could go upstairs and fight the bitch that's fucking your boyfriend."

There was just enough alcohol in Astrid's system for this to seem like a good idea. She downed the rest of her drink in one go and got to her feet, pleased that the room only swayed a little when she did. "He's not my boyfriend," she clarified, pointing an unsteady finger at Eret's nose. "And she's probably a nice girl."

"But you're still gonna kick her ass?"

Astrid giggled, finding this hilarious for reasons best explained by intoxication. "Well, I'm at least gonna kick Hiccup's."

Eret caught her hand as she passed by. "Hey," he said, looking at her seriously. "If it doesn't work out between you and your idiot, I'm going to be in port for the next week. There's room on my ship for a passenger and you're welcome on board. I'll even give you a discount; make up for that dismal drunken kiss I gave you behind the Great Hall on Berk."

She blushed and groaned. "I hoped you weren't gonna bring that up."

Eret laughed. "I'm a much better kisser sober, I promise."

Astrid smirked. "I hope so. You're lucky I didn't have a point of reference at the time."

"Oh ho!" Eret laughed, clapping a hand to his chest as if he'd been wounded. "Aren't you cheeky! Come here." He pulled her close and kissed her, just briefly. His lips were warm and soft and it wasn't unpleasant, but it didn't ignite that buzzing in her chest the way Hiccup's kisses did.

She was frowning when Eret pulled away. He gave her a knowing smile. "You still want him, don't you?"

Astrid's shoulders sagged. She huffed. "Yes."

Eret clapped her on the back. "Then go get him. I won't claim to know you extraordinarily well, Astrid, but I have a hard time believing that you don't know who you are or what you want."

She gave him one last smile. "Maybe so. Well, if you'll excuse me, I have some ass-kicking to do."

Astrid wove through the crowd, not quite drunk but pleasantly tipsy and getting tipsier, until she reached the staircase on the far side of the room. There was a little desk next to the stairs and she leaned against it and addressed the thick-set, balding man behind it.

"What can I help you with, m'dear?" he asked, smiling politely.

"Did you see a young man go up there? Tall, skinny, brown hair; with a girl with black hair?"

"Ehm," the man frowned at her. "Mayhaps I did, why?"

"I need to know which room they're in. Now."

The man shook his head. "I'm afraid I can't do that. I can't just go letting people into strangers' rooms."

Astrid leaned in closer and narrowed her eyes. "Let me explain something. That young man is my husband-to-be. And since he's already put a baby in my belly he's far past the point of being able to back out of this. And right now he's up there with another woman." Astrid withdrew her knife from her belt and stabbed it into the desk. "So if you could kindly tell me which room they're in, I need to have a little chat with my intended."

The man gulped. "I'll-I'll get you a key." He glanced at an open book on the desk before pulling a key out of a drawer and handing it to her.

"R-room four," he stuttered as Astrid sheathed her knife. "Second door on the right."

Astrid nodded sweetly and took the key from him. The noise from below quieted considerably once she reached the next floor. She paused in front of the door with a four painted on it. She pressed her ear to the wood, but couldn't hear much of anything, which was either a really good sign or a really bad sign. She took a deep breath, unlocked the door, and opened it.

What Astrid had not considered in her semi-inebriated state, was that breaking up whatever was happening in this room necessitated witnessingwhatever was happening in this room. And she really could have gone the rest of her life without seeing this; Hiccup reclining on the bed, completely naked and panting softly, while a half-dressed Heather crouched between his legs, her unbound hair thankfully obscuring whatever she was doing with her head over his lap. Hiccup's half-lidded eyes locked onto her as she entered the room and snapped wide.

"Astrid?!" he yelped, and it was enough to shock Astrid into turning around.

There was an obscene wet pop whose origin Astrid did not want to contemplate. "Astrid?!" Heather screeched. "Were you thinking about Astrid just now?!"

"Heather, no, she's—"

"Is that why you were having trouble getting it up?" She demanded, indignant. "Did you have to think about her to get—" Heather screamed, and Astrid took that to mean Hiccup had finally gotten her to turn around. There was the rustling of fabric and the sound of feet hitting the floor. "What is she doing her?!"

"Excellent question! Astrid, get out!"

"We need to leave," Astrid told the wall. "Now."

"Why?!"

"Because last summer when these sailors hung out on Berk for a few days I kinda got drunk and made out with one of them. And he's downstairs and I need to get away before he sees me."

Hiccup groaned. "Can't you just find somewhere to hide?"

Astrid grinned even though he couldn't see her. "Well, I guess I could just hide in here." Her smile grew at the sound of Heather's frustrated moan and Hiccup's exasperated sigh.

"Oh gods. Fine!" He sighed again. "I'm really sorry about this," she heard him tell Heather.

"Yeah."

"I'll catch you some other time, okay?"

"Can you please just get her out of here so I can get dressed?"

"Astrid?" Was it wrong to feel so happy at how angry Heather sounded?

"Hm?"

"A little privacy, please?"

"I'm giving you five minutes. After that I'm coming back in."

Hiccup growled. "Fine, just get out!"

Astrid slipped back out the door and waited, relishing in the muffled argument she could hear from the other side of the door.

"…I didn't know she was gonna do something like this…"

"…said there wasn't anything between you two!"

"….think she's jealous, that's…"

The door opened and Hiccup exited, red-faced and aggravated, his jacket pulled closed in an attempt to hide the still-prominent bulge in his pants.

"I hate you," Hiccup said as they made their way down the stairs. "Seriously, you couldn't have found a corner to hide out in for thirty more minutes?"

"Someone recognizing me could be a really bad thing. You're the one who said I couldn't tell people I'm from Berk." As they pushed through the crowded room Astrid caught Eret's eye on the way out and he winked at her, raising his mug at her as if to say, 'Well done'.

Xx

Hiccup maintained his silence and sullen expression all the way back to his mountain. The cold air accelerated the return of Astrid's sobriety, and she could feel the anxiety and tension mounting with every mile. They arrived back in the large entrance cave, and no sooner had they both slipped from Toothless's back was Hiccup rounding on her.

"What the hel is wrong with you?"

Astrid took a step back. She had hoped the flight would give Hiccup time to calm down, but apparently all it did was give him more time to stew. "I told you, I saw someone who probably knew me."

Hiccup shook his head, bitter laughter tumbling from his lips. "No, no, that's not why you dragged me out of there and you know it. You didn't like that I was up there with Heather."

Astrid returned his glare, arms crossing over her chest and hip cocked. "I couldn't care less what you were up there doing with Heather."

"Liar," Hiccup spat, a long finger pointed in her face. "You started acting weird when she showed up and it didn't stop. Just admit it: you didn't want me to be up there with her."

"You shouldn't have wanted to be up there with her!" Astrid burst. "All that you were saying to me about 'leading you on' and 'being dumb enough to think I'd want you', and all that, like I'd completely broken your heart or something, and then you're completely fine with just, hopping in to bed with another girl?!"

"I was trying to get over you! You turned me down so I was trying to get over you!"

"By getting under her?"

"Yes!" Hiccup ran a hand through his hair. "I wanted to forget about you, and I thought that was the best way to do it!"

Astrid scoffed, rolling her eyes. "I'm glad to know I meant so much to you that you found me so easily replaceable.

Hiccup leaned in close to her face. "Why do you care?" he hissed, and Astrid's eyes widened. "If there's nothing between us, then why do you care?"

"I—" Astrid gaped at him, her mouth doing an excellent impression of a fish. She threw her hands into the air. "Okay, fine, so maybe there's something between us!"

In her peripheral vision she saw Toothless slinking out of the room, as he was prone to do when they started fighting. Hiccup straightened up. "Then why did you say there wasn't?" His voice was low and deceptively calm.

"I don't know! Okay? I don't know. Because there can't be." She started pacing around the dark room but Hiccup followed her.

"Why can't there be?"

"Because!" Astrid said, wandering in faster and faster circles around the unlit firepit. "Because everything is so confused right now! I was always going to be a warrior, I was going to fight dragons, and restore my family's honor, and avenge your death, but that all changed." Astrid blinked back tears, her voice getting thick. "Everything changed. You're alive, and you're you, and everything I've ever known about dragons is wrong, and I can't go back to Berk, and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now."

She kept walking, Hiccup behind her, round and round and round, the cave walls becoming a dizzying grey swirl that echoed the turmoil in her mind. "If I can't be a dragon-fighting shieldmaiden then what am I supposed to be now? What am I if I stay here? What am I if I go somewhere new? What would I do? Who would I be? My whole world has turned upside down and I don't know where I'm supposed to fit into it now."

Hiccup grabbed her arm and pulled her around to look at him. He didn't look angry anymore, but that hard, determined look was back in his eyes. "What do you want to do?" he asked her, and Astrid blinked at him in confusion.

"I don't—"

"Yeah you do," he interrupted, shaking his head at her. "You're Astrid Hofferson. You've always known what you want and who you are. So what do you want? Not what you're supposed to want, not what you should want or shouldn't want, not even what the Viking thing to want is. What do youwant?" He squeezed her hand then said more gently, "That's your problem, you know? You get so focused on being the best, on doing things the right way, that you don't let yourself have things. You don't let yourself enjoy your victories; you don't let yourself want things unless you're supposed to want them. So what do you want?"

What did she want? She didn't know, wasn't that the whole problem? Astrid's eyes dropped to her feet. She wanted to go home, but she didn't; she didn't want to go back to a world where she no longer fit in. She wanted to leave, to go far away, but no, she didn't; she didn't want to leave everything, everyone, who'd ever known her behind. And where could she go? Eret had offered her passage, but he was a dragon trapper; and even settlements that didn't get attacked by dragons were wary of them. She no longer wanted to be a part of the world she had known.

What did that leave her?

She thought of the island of dragons, of sleeping next to the Deadly Nadder and her babies. She thought of soaring through the sky, of the clouds around her and Hiccup's chest warm at her back. She wanted more days like that one. Hiccup tugged at her hand and she looked at him, searching those green eyes as if she could find the answer there. She thought of the boy in the forge, the most un-Viking Viking she had ever known, with his crazy ideas and his lopsided smile and the crush she hadn't let herself admit she'd had until he was gone.

He was standing before her now, and she didn't want to make the same mistake twice.

"What do you want, Astrid?" He was asking for her sake, not his, she realized.

She exhaled shakily, and it was like she was expelling all the tension and all the doubt and there was no uncertainty left in her voice when she looked at him and murmured, "…you."