Dazai's legs carried him to Chuuya's at a speed he never thought it was possible for him to achieve. For the first time in his life, he had completely let his instincts and emotions take over. On the whole way there, his body felt completely detached from his mind, like it wasn't his own legs that were carrying him. In his head, only one thought consumed him: Was Chuuya alright?
It was a surreal experience.
When Dazai finally arrived at Chuuya's apartment, he tried to open the door but found it locked. Dammit, he had fixed the lock already.
"Chuuya!" Dazai's fists banged on the wood, yelling with abandon in the dead of the night. "Hey Chuuuyya! Chibiiiii! Hat-rack! Short-stack! CHUUUYYYAAAAAA –"
The door finally opened to reveal a dishevelled-looking redhead in just his white shirt and pants. His beautiful blue eyes were angry and puffy.
"Why. Can't. You … KNOCK OR RING THE BELL LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?!"
Dazai pushed past Chuuya now that the door was open. Then, he kicked off his shoes.
"OI!" Chuuya closed the door. "Don't think you can just walk in – HEY!"
Chuuya exclaimed in surprise when Dazai grabbed his hand and stalked off towards his bedroom.
Once inside the dark room, he threw Chuuya forward and let go. The redhead caught his balance and turned around angrily.
"What is the meaning of this, shitty Dazai?"
Dazai walked up to him and grasped the bottom of his chin not tenderly, examining his face. "Are you okay?"
"Get your hands off me!" Chuuya tried to knee him but the taller man jumped out of the way. However, effectively, Dazai had released his hold.
"Ahh … this is really troublesome after all …" the detective scratched his head, pacing the room. "Especially since you're now apparently fine enough to attack me."
Chuuya glared. "I was fine from the start!"
"Liiiaarr~"
"You shitty waste of bandages!" Chuuya said in annoyance, tired of his antics. "You make everything worse!"
Then, Dazai suddenly noticed the bathroom lights on. He crossed the room and peered in. "Looks like you were running a bath."
"I STILL AM!" Chuuya pushed Dazai aside so that he could step in. "Go home!"
And with that, he shut the door.
Chuuya lowered himself into the bathtub, letting the warm, soapy water wash over his body. What was Dazai thinking? Why did he come here? And why did he ask if he was okay?
However, he couldn't deny that he was indeed, far from okay, at the very least, when he was still at that café. Chuuya felt so much remorse for taking away the last chance the elderly lady had at rekindling her family ties. He couldn't bear to sit there and listen to Dazai finish his professional reporting. Chuuya was crumbling inside, like every other time he took away someone's life unnecessarily.
He sank lower into the water, blowing bubbles from his nose. Maybe he should have given an honest answer when Dazai asked about his wellbeing. What did Ane-san say again? Talk it out?
Chuuya squeezed his eyes shut. Isn't that really just too hard? Especially in this situation … It was impossible with Dazai! How can – what can he actually say?
But … as impossible as that seemed, Dazai did ask about his wellbeing, didn't he? He came all the way here to ask if Chuuya was alright. Didn't that seem kind of improbable too? But it happened … and he sounded sincere about it.
Chuuya shot up straight. Dazai? Sincere? What?
He got up from the tub and drained the soapy water. Maybe it was a bad idea to leave Dazai to himself. Who knew if he really went home? Chuuya wrapped a fluffy white towel around his waist and grimly went to the door.
He just hoped that he wouldn't find his house on fire after opening it.
"Chuuuuyaaa~" sang an annoying voice from his bed as soon as the redhead stepped out.
Okay, Chuuya decided. This might be worse.
Perched on his bed as if he owned the place, was none other than Dazai Osamu in Chuuya's own sweatpants. In fact, that was the only clothing he had on. Well, that and his bandages.
"What the fuck are you doing in my clothes – where are yours?" Chuuya paused, going forward. "Hey, is your hair wet?"
Dazai grinned. "I haven't much time to dry them. Took a quick shower, you see. You know, in that guest bedroom you have. Luckily you still kept the pants that I gave you years ago as a joke present."
"Oh the ones you bought that were multiple sizes too large for me?" Chuuya could feel a vein throbbing somewhere. "You can take them and your tasteless clothes along with yourself, OUT OF MY HOUSE!"
"Aww, don't be like that," Dazai pouted. "After I came all this way here to make sure you're alright."
Chuuya froze. Did Dazai just confirm … ? But with the only light coming from the bathroom, the place was too dim to make out his expression. He couldn't tell if he was joking or – wait. It's Dazai. He's obviously joking. What was he thinking?
"Stop thinking and come here," Dazai said with a sigh.
"Why?" Chuuya asked, suspicious.
Dazai rolled his eyes. "Switch off the lights and come here. I'm not going to kill you."
"Can you not say that?" Chuuya backed away. "That makes it sound like you're going to do just the opposite."
Feeling impatient, Dazai leapt off the bed and crossed over to Chuuya. Instinctively, Chuuya lifted his arm to either block or punch the living hell out of the demon that is Dazai Osamu. However, the taller man only reached over to shut the bathroom door behind and flick the switch off.
Suddenly, Chuuya found himself trapped between the wall and Dazai in pitch black darkness.
Neither breathed.
Then, for the second time of the night (morning?) Dazai abruptly grabbed his hand and dragged him over to the bed.
He sat Chuuya on the bed before flopping down on it himself. Face down and right in Chuuya's sheets.
"Umm …" Chuuya was about to stand again but Dazai was still holding on to his wrist.
"Okay, okay," Chuuya said, trying to pry his fingers off. "You're cutting off my circulation. Are you sure you don't want to kill me? What do you want?"
Dazai made a muffled sound, his mouth buried in the sheets.
Now, impatience was building inside Chuuya, and so he used his strength to tear Dazai's hand from his wrist. Freed at last, he jabbed into the side of Dazai's waist with lightning speed, causing the man to roll over with a groan.
"What is your deal?" Chuuya asked, exasperated. He turned around to look at Dazai, trying to search for any clue to the man's schemes. "Why have you been terrorising me the past few days? Why did you come for me in Kawasaki? Why did you say what you said in the car and why … why did you come here, tonight?"
Dazai took a deep breath, the pain at his side was ebbing away to a pain in his chest. "I … don't know. I regret being a shitty partner to you, I guess."
Chuuya gasped angrily. "Don't toy with me!"
"I'm not!" Dazai yelled back. "I wish I was … but I'm not. It's killing me too – these past few days."
"What are you talking about?"
Dazai sighed heavily. Was it time to come clean? "Okay, more like it was probably killing me for the past few years but I never acknowledged them. These … feelings." Dazai paused in slight hesitation. "I never realised how much you've grown on me."
Chuuya bit his trembling lip. What was he talking about? Seriously, what was he saying?
"I don't understand …" Chuuya managed to say in a thick voice.
Dazai dug the heels of his palms into his eyes. "Neither do I, really," he replied honestly. "The old lady was talking about partners and feelings and hurting myself and … and then I started missing you and feeling regret, so I tried letting my emotions run wild for a while which –"
"You're not m, making any sense!" Chuuya cut in, stammering. "Y, you hated me! You still do!" The redhead was terrified by Dazai's words. Saying these things … he must have figured out how Chuuya really felt towards him. His heart squeezed in cold fear that this was another one of Dazai's stupid jokes gone too far.
Speaking of which, Dazai dropped his hands with another sigh, this time sounding frustrated. But no, he wasn't frustrated at Chuuya. He was more frustrated with himself for getting himself in this messy emotional mess that he didn't even have a clear explanation for.
He decided to just be as honest as he can with his words, "But then I realised that I hated you because I never understood you. I never understood how youcan get so sensitive and emotional about everything when logic and reasoning's clearly the most effective path to take. I hated you because I never understood why you kept blindly trusting me and wanting to know me …"
"Stop …" said Chuuya brokenly. "You're j, joking. Stop teasing me …"
The brunette continued staring into space. Chuuya had been trying to hold back but he was definitely crying now. Ah … what had he done? He had acted on his emotions, on his gut feelings, and now it's come to this. Was this result worth it? Or should he have gone back to relying on his masterfully honed logic?
Acting on impulse, Dazai sat up, placed a gentle hand on Chuuya's shoulder and pulled him down to lie on the bed. He faced his former partner, and ran a thumb across his cheek.
"Chuuya," he said softly. "You know I would have never acted like this in a million years to tease you. I'm not playing at anything."
Dazai's hand left the redhead's face to rest on his own bandaged chest. "Now, this is hurting, Chuuya. And I think, for the first time in forever. It might even have started hurting since that night I left the Port Mafia, since I left you … but I just suppressed it because I didn't believe in letting my emotions rule over me."
Chuuya's sobbing got a little louder. "I, I was a hot mess … when you left. Y, you carried on l, life as per usual and I n, never … knew …"
Then tearing up a little himself, Dazai resumed his light thumbing. He felt as vulnerable as Chuuya probably felt. This was the most honest he's been with himself in years. "I'm so sorry I couldn't have been more expressive … I hurt you. I was so messed up. I was, I was collected on the surface but I never realised how messed up my insides were."
"Why … why are you t, telling me all this now?"
"Because now I realised …" Dazai started sadly, "… perhaps a little too late, that emotions make us who we are. Emotions were what Odasaku felt when he was protecting those orphans, they were what pushed Onuki-san to open that café and hope for a chance of meeting her daughter, they were what Kano-san felt when her father was killed and when she took revenge and now they are what I am feeling towards you.
They are … what is currently giving me, my reason to live."
Chuuya couldn't help it. It was too much, too much for him to handle it all at once. So, like what Dazai was doing now, like what Ane-san wanted him to do, he tried to get out, in between his sobs, what the elderly lady had helped him realise.
"I don't … I don't hate you …"
Dazai's eyes widened, surprised at the reply.
But then, he started chuckle, pulling Chuuya close. The redhead obliged, feeling the laughter from deep within the taller man's chest.
"I know, Chuuya," Dazai said finally, brushing a few more tears from Chuuya's face as his sobbing slowly subsided.
"I don't hate you too."
That was the last thing Chuuya heard before his worn-out body gave out, slipping into a deep slumber.
Dazai couldn't help the smiling a little as he closed his own eyes. Right here, right now, this moment … it was all worth it after all.
Daybreak came in the form of warm afternoon rays hitting their faces instead of morning sun.
Dazai awoke first. That's to be expected of course; the Petit Mafia had been working all of last evening, after all.
He peered down at said Mafiaso, brushing away a strand of loose hair. Seriously, how has he not noticed how pretty Chuuya actually is? Then, he remembered. Oh right. That's because he had spent most of the time with either Odasaku or finding other means to torment Chuuya.
Dazai smiled impishly. Well, the latter reason doesn't have to stop, right?
With his right hand, Dazai brought it to Chuuya's waist and tickled him lightly.
The redhead stirred slightly, burying his face into Dazai's chest even more.
"Wake up, little Chuuya," Dazai said, fingers dancing. "You're making my left arm numb with that overgrown head of yours."
Chuuya swatted the offending hand away and opened his eyes groggily. What time was it? Why was it so bright? Why was he cuddling with Dazai Osamu? Then, Chuuya stiffened.
Why was he cuddling with Dazai Osamu?
Chuuya sat up so quickly, his head collided with Dazai's chin.
Groaning in pain, Dazai rolled away, eyes watering.
"You … you!" Chuuya pointed an accusing finger at the brunette detective. "You fiend!"
Dazai gasped, still clutching at his jaw. "That, that's a new one … hah … some way to show gratitude to the person who gave you a peaceful night's rest."
"Hah?!"
"Are you still having nightmares, Chuuya?" Dazai said, rolling back to face the redhead.
Taken aback, Chuuya stammered, a little defensive, "Y, yeah …?"
"Bet you didn't have any last night."
Chuuya huffed. "That's got nothing to do with you!"
"Don't worry," Dazai's smile grew wider as he propped himself up on one elbow. "I know you want it too, so I'll sleep next to you from now on to scare those nightmares away!"
"You don't know what I want!" Chuuya said, getting up from the bed.
"Oh, but I know that you don't hate me," Dazai's eyes twinkled.
Immediately, Chuuya turned red and he had no means of covering up. "I – you …!" He desperately looked around and found the bathroom. "I'm going to use the bathroom!"
"Don't forget this," Dazai said smoothly, holding out Chuuya's towel.
Screaming, Chuuya snatched it from him and covered himself up. Completely red now, he ran to the bathroom and slammed the door shut.
Dazai laughed. An unbridled, genuine laugh, straight from his heart. "Good morning to you, too."
A/N: I figured the "I don't hate you" is the closest Chuuya will ever get (at the moment, at least) to a confession. XD
Hope everyone enjoyed the Soukoku fluff! FINALLY we've come past all the angst and reached this moment.
I've written an epilogue (with longer end notes) to wrap everything up together. It will be posted in about 24 hours! Please look forward to it! In the meantime, please feel free to share your thoughts about this chapter! It has taken so much energy to write. All the feelz QAQ
