Update 11/25/18: Minor typo fixes
Warnings for smut. Very nsfw. If you know what song the chapter title comes from you get my love. It'll be obvious to some of you, given what other fandoms I'm part of. I saw the opportunity and I took it.
Chapter 18: Whatever Lies Beyond this Morning
"Astrid?" He shook her shoulder gently. "Oh gods…"
Astrid moaned but didn't wake up. Hiccup carefully shifted her head to check for blood, but saw only a bruised knot rising on the back of her head. Behind him Toothless cooed worriedly. Hiccup ran a hand through his hair.
"Oh, we're dead, bud, we're so dead." He took a step back and looked down at her. How was he possibly going to fix this? Astrid had seen Toothless, and she thought he was attacking them, and how…how was he supposed to tell her the truth? Toothless warbled and Hiccup shot him a glare. "This is your fault, you know. She wasn't gonna hurt me. If you hadn't freaked out, then she wouldn't have freaked out, and now I'm freaking out, and aaah!" Hiccup threw his hands in the air and fell back against Toothless's head. "Okay," he said, looking at the girl on the ground and the axe in his hand. "We gotta figure something out."
He'd meant to slip away quietly. He'd meant to climb on Toothless's back and fly off and stay away until he had a plan to tell his father that wouldn't throw the entire village into chaos. There was no way that was going to happen, especially not now.
His father…he'd been so proud. He was so looking forward to tomorrow, to seeing Hiccup kill a dragon and be the son he'd always wanted. He was so proud…but not of Hiccup, he thought with a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. The son Stoick was proud of, the son he wanted, that boy was never going to be him. He would never be the heir Berk needed.
He sighed. And Astrid. Why did he ever think he had a shot with a girl like her? Even now, with the entire village lauding his progress in the ring she only sought him out because she thought he was cheating. And she was right, which didn't help matters. When everyone found out they'd all turn on him. It'd be worse than before, worse than being useless Hiccup who always caused trouble when he was trying to help. His father would be more than just disappointed, he'd be crushed. His only son, best friends with a dragon. A traitor to the village he was meant someday to lead.
Toothless nudged his arm and Hiccup took a deep breath and stood up straighter. He didn't belong on Berk anymore. He'd never really belonged there, among these violent people and the Viking Way. He didn't belong with a girl like Astrid, brave and beautiful, and willing to throw herself in front of a Night Fury for a boy she didn't even like…
She's a fantasy, and you never had a chance, he thought.
Berk couldn't wonder what happened to him, and they couldn't know the truth. His father couldn't know the truth.
They worked quickly. Toothless snapped the axe handle in half with his jaws and melted the blade and the grass around the rocks. He thought about blood. How much, if any. Did there need to be blood? They said his mother had been carried off by a dragon, it wasn't like they'd need much evidence to assume that's what had happened, especially once Astrid told them what she'd seen. He nicked the back of his arm and smeared a little on the handle of the axe, just in case.
And then he and Toothless waited in the trees above the cove until Astrid awoke, just to make sure she did wake. She sat up, hand clutching at the back of her head and groaning. After a second of holding her head she seemed to remember what she was doing there and he heard her say his name. She stumbled out from behind the rocks to look wildly around the cove.
"Hiccup?" she said, and even from here he could see the panic on her face. "Hiccup?!" she shouted, tripping over her own feet as she approached the ruined axe. She looked around the cove and then towards the treeline above, and Hiccup pushed Toothless's face further into the shadows. "Hiccup!" she yelled, then again, "Hiccup!" Her face crumpled and he saw her mouth his name again but no sound reached him. She fell to her knees in front of the axe and her hands reached for it though she didn't touch it. "No, no, no," he heard, her voice too high and strained. "Oh gods, oh gods no." She slumped, falling to sit on her feet, and he watched her chest begin to heave with quick, shallow breaths.
He'd never seen Astrid cry before. He couldn't remember ever seeing her even tear up over a scraped knee, and yet for some reason she was crying over him. Her hands clawed at her face, and for a few minutes she sat there, rocking back and forth on her knees, that same high-pitched keening the only sound she made.
It was strange seeing her like that; it tore at his heart.
She doesn't even like you, said a voice in the back of his mind. And if she knew the truth she'd hate you. They all would.
Finally Astrid pushed herself onto shaking legs and ran from the cove.
If he was going to turn back, this was his last chance. He could go to her, stop her, tell her the truth. He could show her Toothless, he could explain, maybe she'd understand…
"Figure out which side you're on!"
"I'm so proud of you, Hiccup. You were amazing out there today!"
"Where did Hiccup go wrong today?"
"He's never where he should be."
"I'm so proud of you, Hiccup."
"No one just gets as good as you do."
"I'm so proud…"
He climbed on the saddle and didn't look back.
Xx
He was afraid to breathe.
It wasn't the first morning he'd woken up next to Astrid, and it wasn't even the first morning he'd woken up wondering how he'd lucked into whatever they'd done before they'd gone to sleep, but something about this morning was different.
Everything about this morning was different.
He looked down at her, face pressed against his chest, curled up in the circle of his arms with one leg tossed over his. Gods, she was so beautiful when she slept. She was so beautiful always, but she was so peaceful when she was asleep. Her calm countenance belied the destruction and anger and ferocity she was capable of, and for some reason he loved that. She was a world-conquering beauty, and she was his.
Gods, she was his.
He'd given up on her years ago. He'd told himself she was from a world he didn't belong in, that he didn't really even know her, and that if he did he probably wouldn't even like her. She certainly had never shown any sign of liking him. And then she'd come stumbling back into his life and that dumb fifteen year old who watched her from around corners and pined stirred inside of him and he had to remind himself all over again that he would never have this girl.
Astrid was so much more than he knew, more than he'd guessed or hoped for. He'd known so little of her when they were kids, and finally getting to know her his heart had been dragged back in as if it'd never left. She had slipped uninvited into his life and then into his heart and soul and his entire being now seemed to revolve around her in a way he never dreamed he could feel. He'd wanted before. He'd liked girls and felt lust and desire but no one had ever made him feel the way she did. She believed in him, he could see it in the way she smiled, even on those days he couldn't believe in himself.
For so long he had felt empty, and she had broken open his chest and found in him something worth seeing. She made him feel worthy not despite everything he had been and done or despite all of his flaws, but because of them. She'd seen the worst of him and loved him anyway.
He was no stranger to sex. Physically it couldn't have been the best he'd ever had, but for some reason he couldn't even find it in himself to rank this. This, with her, was different. In the past sex had been a way to turn off his mind and his emotions and feel without feeling anything he didn't want to. Last night had been different. Their bond had gone deeper than skin, her sighs had been like whispers to his soul. He was an instrument, and in her hands at last capable of producing music.
And she'd been good, really. She'd fought to match his rhythm but it had turned him on watching her try. And she'd been alright, which had worried him the most. She hadn't broken and she hadn't bled, and he'd gotten them both off without hurting her. She'd been self-conscious after, and he hoped she understood that he meant it: no one compared to her.
They had melded so completely; she fit against his body as if only ever she should have been there. He didn't care who came before, he didn't care what he'd ever experienced before. Only with Astrid had it ever felt like making love. Only with Astrid had he ever felt so complete.
He was scared, now.
They'd fallen asleep so quickly afterwards, both so tired from a long, eventful night. He worried, as he usually did whenever he and Astrid tried something new in their relationship, that she would wake and in the light of day regret her decisions. It wasn't unprecedented, though it had been a long, long time since she had bothered fighting how she felt about him.
That boy who watched her from around corners and tried and failed to talk to her was fragile in times like these. And now, with the incontrovertible truth that he was more in love with her than he was ever going to be with anyone again, he couldn't help but fear that this was a brief taste of a love he would never fully be allowed to deserve.
Astrid stirred, and for a moment he really did hold his breath. She shifted, snuggling closer to him and turning her face up to his. Her deep breathing stalled, and her eyes blinked open. Bleary blue focused on his face, and her lips spread wide in a tender smile that nearly stopped his heart.
"Hi."
Her voice was morning-hoarse but still such a beautiful sound to his ears. He released the breath he'd been holding in a long sigh through smiling lips. "Hi."
That smile stretched wider, crinkling her eyes and dimpling her cheeks, before she leaned in and kissed him, brief and chaste, while her arms tightened around his torso. She was his, and his heart beat a little faster and his hands splayed across her back pulled her closer because he could, because this girl loved him.
"Good morning," she whispered, when they broke apart.
"Morning."
There must have been something of apprehension in his face, because her smile faltered.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, I just…" She was frowning at him, eyebrows drawing together in concern, and he shook his head and held her tighter. "I love you," he told her, and watched some of the tension ease from her face.
"I love you."
"No, I, Astrid, I love you," he tried again, and groaned, because he needed to say it, and wasn't sure how. He'd said it last night, he'd told her, but there was so much he couldn't say, so much he didn't know how, so much he needed to say and make her see and understand. She'd been right, he'd picked a terrible time to say it the first time, and she hadn't been ready to hear it anyway. Since then he'd held his tongue, resisted the urge to say the words on a dozen occasions when all he wanted to do was say them over and over ad infinitum. He'd said it now, and he had to make sure she understood how much he meant it. "I love you," he said again, and pressed his forehead to hers. "I didn't know you, when we were younger. I worshiped you, but I didn't know you. But I wish I had because I love you, and I love you a little more the more I uncover." He swallowed. "Because you're amazing, and you're everything I didn't know I needed. I was so lost when you came here. And I was so alone. And you pulled me out of the darkness and I don't know how to thank you." She was frowning again, more out of an awed sort of confusion than concern, and her hands tightened on his shoulders.
"And last night you, I mean Astrid…you've given me everything, and I just wish I had more to give you." He tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "I have words and promises and not much else. I can't give you a normal life or a wedding or anything like that—"
"Do you love me?" she interrupted, and Hiccup blinked at her.
"Yes," he said. "Gods, yes. More than I know how to say."
Her hands slid around to his chest, and then up to cup his face. He watched her lips form a soft smile. "Then that's all I need."
He couldn't help kissing her then. He couldn't help crushing her to his chest and kissing her as if she would slip from his arms and from his life if he didn't. He'd spent most of his life feeling like he must have angered the gods at birth and they'd been taking it out on him ever since, but here, with Astrid, he felt blessed beyond anything he deserved.
Her skin was warm and soft and her ribcage felt so small under his hands. Nothing else in the rest of the world mattered when he held her. He just wanted her heartbeat next to his and her chest rising and falling with the breath she stole from his lungs. He'd have broken every part of him to bits and scattered his skin to pieces if it meant keeping her there beside him.
"I love you," he mumbled against her mouth. "I love you, I love you, I love you…"
Xx
"Are you still alright?"
Astrid shook with a silent giggle and her hand tightened on top of the one he rested on her stomach.
"Hiccup, I'm fine."
He nosed through the hair plastered by sweat to the back of her neck and kissed her there. "I'm just making sure. You're not sore or anything?"
Astrid shrugged and pressed her body back against his, and he swallowed against the feeling of her ass grinding up against his groin. "A little," she admitted, "But not really in a painful way. I kind of feel like I squeezed a few days worth of training into a few hours, though." Her thumb stroked the top of his hand. "But I'm okay, I'm good, you haven't hurt me or anything." She snuggled further into his body and he wrapped his arms more tightly around her. He'd never been into the whole cuddling thing in the past, but with Astrid all he wanted to do was hold her.
The way her rear was pressing into his front wasn't hurting matters either, as long as his reaction didn't become too noticeable.
…which it very quickly was, judging by the way Astrid's hips shifted. He looked down at her face to see her eyes narrowing in a frown even as the corners of her mouth quirked.
He prayed for her not to say the words even as he watched her mouth open.
"Are…are you getting hard again?"
Hiccup swallowed. "No."
"Mm. Really?" Oh damn her. Damn her and that magnificent ass and the way she was rubbing it against him like that. "You sure about that?"
Damn her.
He gripped her hip and pulled her hard against him, drawing a soft gasp from her lips. His hand moved lower, between her legs, and he swiped a finger through the wetness there. "Are you complaining?"
She shivered against him and glanced at him over her shoulder. "…no."
"Good." His free hand palmed her breast and pulled her against his chest while his fingers worked between her legs. Her eyes fell closed and her mouth fell open. She was beautiful like this. Her hips rocked slightly into his hand and the sweetest little breathy sighs fell from her lips.
He buried his face in her hair and ground his growing erection against her ass. He should take her from behind, he hadn't done that yet, but gods did it sound like such an amazing idea now. He'd always loved watching her from behind.
"Hiccup," Astrid sighed, and squirmed against his hand. "Gods. What is it with you and—ah—teasing me like this?"
He kissed the side of her face and watched her twisting expression. Gods, she was magnificent. "What would you rather I do?"
She made a little noise of frustration and fisted her hand in the blankets. "Get on with it," she said, still squirming.
"Get on with what?"
She growled. "You know what."
"Say it."
She tried to shimmy away from his fingers but he bore down on her, leaning forward to press her hips into the furs. She was gasping and sighing, her face half-pressed into the pillow.
"Hiccup," she said, her voice almost a plea, but he wanted more. He wanted her begging for him, begging for this. He wanted the unattainable Astrid Hofferson begging him to fuck her. He was painfully hard already but he wanted to hear her say it. The girl he never thought would look his way belonged to him in a way she would never belong to anyone else, and he wanted to hear her say it.
"Say. It."
She whimpered, and her hand grabbed at his, trying to pry him away, but he held firm, and his free hand rose to grab hers and hold it down. "Say it, Astrid," he growled into her ear, and she choked on a moan. "Tell me what you want."
In a second, something changed.
Astrid sobbed. "Stop, stop, stop!" She flailed in his arms and kicked at his legs, squirming out of his grip and scrambling across the blankets away from him. She sat up, pulling her arms and legs into her heaving chest and staring with wide eyes that looked right through him.
"Astrid, Astrid?" He reached for her but she flinched and he dropped his hand. She blinked a few times and he watched pinprick pupils widen and focus while her breathing slowed.
"I'm sorry," she said in a small voice, hugging her knees to her chest. He chanced a hand on her shoulder and she seemed to relax a little at the touch. "I'm sorry," she said again. "I don't—I don't know, I just…" she stumbled over her words, and he noticed she was trembling. "I know you wouldn't, I know, I know you'd never, I just, you held me like that and, I don't know, I don't know, it's been months and I trust you but that was, I don't know." She ran shaking hands through her hair and allowed Hiccup to pull her into his arms. "For a second it was all I could think about, you know, how you—you, how…" She exhaled. "I could just hear you telling me to lift up my skirt."
Hiccup closed his eyes and buried his face in her hair.
He was the biggest idiot in the entire barbaric archipelago, probably in the entire world.
There he was, taking her for granted again. He'd wanted to see a side of her she only showed him, well, he'd got it. Nothing else they had ever done sexually had bothered her, but his force had triggered something, and in hindsight he couldn't believe he didn't see it coming.
"Don't hold me down like that again," Astrid whispered, and he hugged her tighter.
"I won't," he said. "I'm sorry. Astrid, I'm so sorry. I didn't think."
She shook her head. "I wouldn't have guessed it either. And I trust you, you know I trust you, and I know you wouldn't hurt me, I just—"
"It's okay," he interrupted, and stroked her hair. Her breathing was starting to normalize, and she wasn't shaking quite as bad. "You don't have to justify it. I made you uncomfortable. I understand." He laid back down and pulled her with him. "I'm sorry." She shivered and he pulled the furs around them. The fire had burned out long ago, but they'd had body heat to keep them warm.
"I'm sorry for ruining the mood," she said, and Hiccup almost had to laugh.
"It's fine, stop apologizing. It's not like you." The throbbing in his groin had subsided in light of the chaos and he was too worried about her to care. It never stopped being strange to him, this vulnerable side of Astrid. She had always been more likely to punch someone who insulted her than take any of it to heart, but it seemed her village's betrayal had stoked some hidden insecurities.
He supposed it made sense though; she had always been so determined to be the best, had always pushed herself so hard and held herself to so impossibly high a standard. He had admired that about her, but now he saw the flipside of that: how insufficient she could make herself feel when she didn't measure up.
She was strong, but she was not made of stone, and he had to force himself to remember that she had trusted him with the most fragile pieces of her.
After a long while she looked up at him, and he gave her a soft smile in hopes of cheering her up, but she didn't return it. Her expression was unreadable and after a moment of trying he frowned.
"You okay?"
She didn't answer, but after another long moment of staring at him she leaned forward and kissed him, and he took that as a sign she was at least a little bit okay. Her hand trailed down his stomach and wrapped firmly around him and Hiccup grunted into her mouth.
"What are you doing?" he mumbled into their lazy kiss as she stroked him back to hardness.
"Trying something," she answered, and her voice sounded stronger, more like herself, than it had a few minutes prior.
He broke their kiss to gasp at a particularly hard stroke and saw her looking at him like a hungry wolf. She let him go to push him onto his back and before he knew what was happening she was climbing onto his torso and straddling his hips. Hiccup swallowed.
"Astrid?" he asked, and she placed a finger over his lips.
"Stop talking." He pursed his lips together, powerless to obey when she was looking at him like that. She ran her hands up and down his chest. "You turned out really well, who'd have thought?"
She shifted, rising onto her knees and positioning herself so that she was poised to take him in. Her fingertips skittered along the side of his shaft and he nearly choked on his own breath. "What do you want, Hiccup?"
He could have laughed from sheer relief if he didn't want to cry from sheer frustration. His hands rose to light on her hips and he tried to press up but she lifted herself higher away as her hands pushed him back down.
"Say it."
"You," he grunted, trying to pull her hips back down. "Now."
He watched her smile twist. "Say it right, Hiccup, I know you know how."
He really did laugh this time. Now this was Astrid. "You're amazing, you know that?"
She chuckled and bit her lip. "Good, but not quite what I was looking for."
He squeezed her ass. "That's as much as you're getting out of me."
She smirked and raised an eyebrow. "We'll see about that."
At last she stopped fighting the downward pull of his hands and sank down on him, surrounding him with wonderful, blissful wet heat. A soft moan left him and he watched her beautiful plump pink lips fall open in a little sigh. Her hands splayed on his stomach and for a moment she sat still, adjusting.
He watched her teeth sink into her bottom lip, a look of gentle concentration on her face. She started to move, slowly and a bit awkwardly, trying a few different movements until she settled on one she liked. She moved much more slowly than he would have liked, but she was new to this and there was something wonderfully maddening about this pace. His hands rose to her small waist and he traced the curves of her ribs.
Her rhythm increased. Her head fell back, exposing the long pale column of her neck, and when her spine arched the tips of her long, long blonde hair swept his thighs. She was beautiful. She was radiant. Sweat was shining on her shoulders and chest and dripping down between her breasts. He reached up to palm them, his thumbs flicking gently over the pink peaks of her nipples and earning him a sharp little gasp.
Gods, the noises she made. She was so quiet; all breathy sighs and gasping breaths and soft mewls and whimpers. He adored them. She almost seemed determined not to make much noise (a nice contrast to girls he'd known who'd tried too hard to reassure him they were enjoying it), and it made her final cries of ecstasy all the sweeter to his ears.
She felt amazing. More than amazing. All slick soft melting heat that robbed him of his sanity more than any girl he'd ever known. Her fingers curled on his stomach and her nails dug into the soft flesh. He tried to help her along, buck his hips in time with hers but the more he tried the harder she pushed him back down. She seemed determined to do this on her own, and he was too enthralled to deny her.
She staggered and gasped and he watched her face crumple and her body shake as she came. The glorious clench and flutter of her muscles around him pushed him so close to the edge but not close enough, and he grit his teeth against the desire to keep going when she slumped against him, panting, her chin falling against her chest and her hair falling in front of her face. He let her rest for a moment, everything in him still tense and wanting, until she lifted her face and looked at him out of hazy blue eyes. She gave him a soft smile.
"Come here," he said, trying to pull her down so he could roll over on top of her, intending to give her a break since she looked more than a little winded, but she pushed his hands away, shaking her head.
She straightened her back and smiled down at him, a beautiful and strange glint in her eyes. Her open-mouth pants slowed, and his eyes were transfixed on her tongue, touching the back of her teeth. "Tell me what you want, Hiccup," she said, grinding down enough to tease him but not moving like he needed her to. Her hands trailed down his chest. "Say it right, this time."
He couldn't have denied her any less if she was the goddess Lofn herself, and right now he wasn't entirely convinced she wasn't. She'd had hers and she knew he was just on the edge of his and gods if she wasn't going to make him beg for it.
"You," he choked. "I want you."
It wasn't what she wanted but it earned him a little more movement, a little more friction.
"Mm. Want me to what?" Her eyes were glinting, fiery, dazzling, mischievous. She looked so pleased with herself, so powerful, so completely and utterly Astrid.
He yielded. Of course he did. He was the boy watching her from around corners in awe once more.
"Fuck me. Take me. I'm yours. Gods, I'm yours…"
He didn't expect her capable of the pace she set then, but she rode him, harder than she had yet, harder than he thought she would have liked, and he choked on his own breath and just before stars exploded across his vision it occurred to him that he couldn't remember the last time a woman successfully made him beg.
When he found his way back she was smirking at him, the most beautiful pleased little smile on her face. She blew her bangs out of her eyes and grinned.
"Now that's more like it."
Yes. Yes it was.
Xx
He peered around the rocks down at the arena below. He was going to have to do this, there was no other way around it. He'd wanted to come at night, get them all out while Berk slept, but there was no time for that now. If only he'd gotten this information a few days sooner.
But then, it was divine coincidence that he had this information at all.
He'd only been back this side of the world for a couple of days and it had to be the work of the gods that he should have been in that tavern, on that night, seated close enough to that trader to overhear him talking…
"Just came from Berk, you see, nice village. Wish I could have stayed a while longer, though, they're letting a young warrior kill a Monstrous Nightmare one day this week."
He hadn't worried about that in nearly two years. He hadn't known when he left if they would have spared the dragon or just let Astrid kill it, and he supposed it might not even be the same one. It could be the next generation, some new recruit allowed to claim their prize.
He'd seen so much of the world, done so much, run so far and let himself care so little about the place he'd left behind. It seemed so, so selfish now. He understood the situation better than he had back then, he knew ways to help. He couldn't fix it all, couldn't stop the war, but maybe he could stem the bloodshed, just a bit. Maybe he could stop this.
His hands shook as he pulled the mask over his head.
They won't have any reason to guess it's you, he reminded himself. He'd changed far too much. He was still skinny, but he'd grown nearly a foot and there was muscle mass where there used to be scrawny bone. No one but Astrid had ever seen him with Toothless, and the last time he'd seen her she had been certain he was dead.
The plan was simple. Get in, calm the Nightmare, get it and Toothless to free the other dragons before the entire village panics and starts attacking. Get out.
He put the spyglass to his eye. In the middle of the arena stood Astrid, axe in the air. So it was her they were letting kill the Nightmare. He wondered why they put it off so long. Respect for the dead, perhaps?
Now or never. He climbed on Toothless. In daylight they'd be visible, so they had to be quick. A lap out to sea and back around the side of the mountain to build up speed and then straight into the Kill Ring.
He and Toothless were both used to navigating in low visibility, so he had the precious moments while the smoke cleared to make the whistles and clicks that helped calm the Nightmare.
It was surreal, standing here now. He could feel the eyes of his entire former village on him, see his father staring as he stroked the Nightmare's snout. There was more gray in his beard than there used to be, Hiccup thought.
The Nightmare and Toothless turned on the pens, and he kept to Toothless's side while the Vikings made to attack. They were too late and he knew it; the damage had been done in those moments while they were too confused to move. By the time they entered the arena he was already poised to take off.
It was Astrid that stalled him.
She was as beautiful as ever. She was taller, curvier, and something about her features was softer. For half a moment he worried that she had figured it out, that she had made the connection between this mysterious stranger with a Night Fury and the last person she had seen in proximity to one. There was something about the way she looked at Toothless, though. She looked at him with the same confusion as the rest of the village, but she stared at Toothless with a strange sort of horror that made him think that if she didn't recognize him, she at least recognized his dragon, and she was terrified of him.
It'd been two years. He'd told himself long ago that he had never had a shot in hel with Astrid. He'd gotten over her. He'd met dozens of other beautiful girls and even bedded a couple of them. He and Astrid existed on opposite sides of a war.
So why, why, after all this time, did his heart still beat faster when he saw her?
