Update 11/25/18: Looked over this as part of Persephone: the Director's Cut Edition, and didn't find anything to change. If I missed any typos or grammar mistakes, let me know.
Chapter 20: Hope and Pain
She was exhausted, but sleep was impossible.
Astrid had paced at first, around and around and around the fire burning in the center of the open entrance cavern Stormfly usually nested in, waiting. Now she could do nothing but sit in silence and shock. Hours had passed, and still no Stormfly.
"It doesn't mean anything," Hiccup was saying to her now, his arms around her and his lips nuzzling kisses in her hair. "She could be injured, or just tired, and resting somewhere. It's a long flight back here, she might just be taking her time."
"It's been hours." Her own voice sounded distant. She felt numb. In all likelihood, Stormfly was gone. Her beautiful brave dragon had given up everything to protect her.
"Like I said, she could be resting somewhere. Maybe for the night."
"Hiccup, please stop."
"No," he said, and his arms tightened around her shoulders. "I'm not letting you give up yet. Tomorrow we'll go looking for her. I know where to find other Nadders. We'll track her. We'll find her, even if…well, we'll know for sure, then." He kissed her ear. "Until then, you are not allowed to believe the worst."
She closed her eyes and buried her face in his shoulder. Toothless padded over and curled around them, and his warm belly at her back was less a comfort and more a cruel reminder that she may never feel her own dragon curled around her again.
"What am I going to do if she doesn't come back?" Astrid whispered into Hiccup's shirt.
His fingers drew circles on her shoulder. "You have to stop thinking like this," he said.
"But what will I do? Just…just humor me, okay? I don't want to get my hopes up if I'm never going to see her again."
Hiccup sighed. "We could find you another dragon," he offered after a long moment.
Astrid snorted. "Find another dragon. That easy, huh?" She glared up at him. "Could you just 'find another dragon' if something happened to Toothless?"
Hiccup looked away. "No. Of course not." He sighed again and shrugged. "But you asked and I didn't know what to say." He ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know what to tell you, Astrid. If she really is gone then there won't be anything I can do or say to make it better and I know that. But," he said firmly, looking her in the eye and frowning. "We don't know that she's gone yet, so seriously, stop assuming the worst. You're not helping anyone by doing that."
Astrid pulled out of his arms and got to her feet and started pacing around the fire again.
"Why are you not more worried about this?" she snapped.
"I am worried," Hiccup said. "But I'm also not going to mourn her until we know she's dead." He stood and caught her as her pacing brought her in front of him again. He held her shoulders firmly and looked into her eyes, his forehead creased and those bright green eyes shining with determination and promise. "She might still be okay, Astrid."
Her shoulders sagged. "Do you really believe that or are you just saying that to make me feel better?"
His lips quirked in a small smile. "I really believe it," he said. "She's like you, she wouldn't go down easy. She was faring pretty well when we got out of there, and she was just trying to distract the queen long enough for us to get out, she wasn't trying to take her down all on her own. She would have gotten out of there as soon as she knew we were safe."
She found herself relaxing into his touch. There was just something about that smile; it was calming and reassuring and made her heart beat a little faster all at the same time.
"How do you do that?" she asked, a humorless smile pulling at her lips. "How do you say impossible, crazy things like that and make me believe them?"
"I don't know," he replied, pulling her into a hug. "Maybe I'm just persuasive."
"You really are, you know," she said, her arms rising to wrap around his back. She sighed and rested her chin on his shoulder. "I wish I could believe impossible things as easily as you can."
"It's not really that easy," Hiccup said quietly. "And I can't, always. I wish I could, but… I'm not really very good at looking at the bright side of things."
Astrid wasn't sure she believed that, but something in the way he said it made her not want to contradict him, at least not right now. "Well," she said, squeezing him tighter, "You're pretty good at helping me look at the bright side when it matters anyway."
He chuckled and pressed his face into her neck. "Well, that's something, I suppose."
She never really completely fell asleep, though she did doze off, cozy next to the warmth of Hiccup's side and Toothless's belly. Her mind did strange things to her every time she tried to give in to the exhaustion and sleep, though. She'd be more than half-asleep, just on the verge of properly giving in, when her mind would tell her some strange dream-logic, and she'd have the nonsensical half-thought that if she fell asleep she would be condemning Stormfly for good. It made absolutely no sense, but her scrambled, tired mind didn't question it. She'd shake herself back almost to waking, then the nonsense would fade and she'd slip back towards sleep.
"ARAWK!"
She was sure it was a dream the first time she heard it.
"RAAAEEEK!"
There it was again, louder, clearer, and even half-awake she let herself hope.
"Astrid!" Hiccup's voice cut through the haze of waking, cementing reality, and Astrid blinked her eyes open. Sunlight was beginning to pour through the opening in the rock, and a large shadow tumbled through it. Before she could look at it Toothless was getting up and she was falling over backwards.
The fall jolted her awake, and when she sat up she saw bright blue scales gleaming in the early morning sunlight.
"Stormfly!" Exhaustion weighed down her bones and left her legs weak and shaky but she fought through it as she sprinted across the room to where Stormfly was making a rough landing. There was a large gash on her right leg that was pouring blood, and her knee buckled as soon as she landed. She stumbled to the ground with a sad squawk.
Astrid threw her arms around her dragon's horn and pressed her face against her snout. "Stormfly," she breathed, relief flooding her veins and making her feel dizzier than the exhaustion. "Oh girl, I've been so worried!" It didn't even bother her that her voice cracked or that tears were streaming down her cheeks. Stormfly chirped affectionately and moved her braid over her shoulder.
"I'll be right back," Hiccup's voice came from behind her. "We need to do something about that leg." Astrid pulled back to look Stormfly over. The gash on her upper leg ran from the top of her thigh diagonally down to her knee. It was wide, but it didn't look too deep, though with the amount of blood it was difficult to tell. Her tail was stripped of all its spikes, leaving only the soft scales of those which hadn't completely grown in yet. She'd used up even those spikes which hadn't hardened completely yet, a painful option Nadders only used as a last resort when they'd run through their mature spikes. Otherwise though, she looked unharmed, if exhausted.
Hiccup soon returned with water and supplies to clean and dress the wound. Stormfly shuddered and pulled away when they tried to wash away the blood, but eventually Astrid managed to comfort and calm her while Hiccup cleaned it out.
"It's not that deep," Hiccup confirmed once the wound was clean. "She's probably lost a lot of blood, but she should be okay with plenty of rest. We just need to get this patched up and keep her from picking at it, which isn't going to be easy."
Astrid stroked her dragon's snout. "What do you need me to do?"
Hiccup scratched at his neck, frowning in thought at the injury. "If you can focus on keeping her calm I can stitch this up. She's not going to like that. I wish I had something to sedate her…"
Astrid nodded and patted Stormfly's horn while her other hand snuck under her chin to scratch at that spot that made her melt to the floor in a happy daze.
Stitching up Stormfly's wound proved extraordinarily difficult. Dragon skin was much tougher than human skin, and Hiccup broke two needles on her scales before he found one that would do the job. Stormfly meanwhile snuggled her face into Astrid's stomach and proceeded to make a series of pitiful trills that broke Astrid's heart.
This is my fault, she thought.
"I know girl, I know." She scratched behind Stormfly's crown. "You were amazing last night," she told her. "You were so brave, and so selfless. Thank you."
Stormfly chirped and tucked Astrid's braid over her shoulder again. Stormfly loved to preen, and she loved to preen Astrid. Never a hair out of place, as long as she was around. Stormfly didn't smile as obviously as Toothless did, but her lips would pull back over her teeth in something close.
Astrid returned the smile. "I love you, Stormfly."
In the end they got the gash sewn up and dressed, and Hiccup covered her tail in a salve to help protect the tender scales while they matured and hardened.
At long last her terrible ordeal was over and Stormfly could relax, her head on Astrid's lap and face nuzzled into her stomach. Astrid sighed and draped herself over her dragon's head. She was completely exhausted, but happy. Stormfly was safe, she and Hiccup and Toothless were safe; all was well.
Xx
The next day saw Stormfly receiving more pampering than she had ever experienced in her life. A huge breakfast of all of her absolute favorite fish and plenty of treats, followed by lots and lots of snuggles and scratches and even some dragon nip. She wasn't up to flying, so she and Astrid spent their day lounging in Stormfly's cave, curled up enjoying each other's company. Astrid's fingers ached from scratching her dragon's chin, but she had to keep her occupied lest she start picking at her bandages again.
She didn't really mind, though. She'd gladly scratch Stormfly's chin for the rest of her days if it meant Stormfly was there to share them with her. Stormfly seemed equally relieved that her little wingless hatchling was safe. She'd kept a wing or a tail around Astrid at all times, and had been visibly distressed in those few rare occasions Astrid had momentarily left her, even if Hiccup was there to keep her company.
Still, it was hard to mind.
Hiccup gave her a smile and a salute as he and Toothless returned from their evening flight. "How is she?" Hiccup asked as he dismounted.
"Alright. I changed her bandages again and she's stopped scratching at them."
Hiccup came to sit beside her and stroke the base of Stormfly's horn while Toothless snuggled up next to Stormfly. The two dragons had become good friends, and he was clearly relieved that his friend was okay. The four of them sat in companionable silence for a while, thankful to all be safe and together.
"I don't feel free."
Astrid looked up, surprised by Hiccup's admission. He didn't look at her; his face was carefully blank and turned to Stormfly.
"I've been thinking about what you said yesterday about how you feel free." There was the slightest crease between his eyes. "I don't feel free. I used to, but I don't anymore. I haven't in a long time." He glanced at her, just for a moment. "I'm glad you do, though. I hope you never lose that feeling." He took a deep breath and blew it out slowly through his nose. The little crease between his eyes softened away, and something in his expression shifted very slightly. Everything seemed to fall and loosen, and the result was that he looked very very tired and older than his twenty years.
"I've never been to the nest before," he said. "I've seen other nests, but not that one. Toothless always got so nervous when we got close, so we'd turn around. I decided it was best never to go, especially if the queen was what I thought. In some ways I think she was worse, though she was actually a bit smaller than I expected." He looked at her, those beautiful green eyes doleful. "What am I supposed to do against something like that, Astrid? What can I do?"
She didn't know how to answer. He turned his attention back to Stormfly. "I used to travel. I used to go everywhere, all the time. I can only really go around the holidays, now. While the dragons are all off at their nesting grounds. I can't go as far or be gone as long as I used to. My whole life is just raid after raid after raid. It never ends. I stop the dragons, I stop the Vikings, and the next night I start all over again. I don't know if I'm doing any real good." He shrugged. "And it's not like I can stop. There were times I wanted to, though. Times I wanted to climb on Toothless and just…" He looked to the darkening sky beyond the opening in the rock wall and held up his hand. "…take off." His hand arced through the air and fell against his knee. "I can't, though. What happens to all of them if I leave?" He shook his head. "I want to not care," he said, his voice so low she could barely hear it. "But I can't not care. I can't not help. Even when it all feels useless and hopeless, I can't not help." He faced her again. "What am I supposed to do, Astrid? Keep interfering? Keep going to every raid in every village until the day I drop?" He sighed. "Something has to change, but I don't know what. I don't know how."
Astrid swallowed. "If we could get rid of the queen, or break the dragons' allegiance to her—"
"How?" Hiccup interrupted. "What can we do against something like that?" His voice was stronger, though this was not where she wanted to hear his conviction come through.
"Maybe it's not the dragons we need to go after, maybe it's the Vikings. If we could change their minds—"
Hiccup's bitter laughter cut her off. "Yeah, that'll work." She frowned. Most of the time he leant his sarcasm to wit and humor, but she hated to hear it appear as a result of his cynicism. "Defeating a giant dragon would be easier than changing Viking minds."
Astrid looked at him. "You changed my mind."
For a moment he didn't answer. "You're different."
She shook her head. "Not that much different. I was always the model Viking. You're the one who was different. You always thought it was a bad different but I think it was a good different. And I meant it, you really are persuasive." She put a hand on Hiccup's shoulder. "And if you could change my mind, then maybe you could change theirs."
Hiccup stared blankly into space for a moment longer, then shrugged off her hand. "No, I couldn't." Her heart sunk. "People didn't listen to me when I was the heir of Berk. No one's going to listen to me if I'm the so-called Dragon Master. Thor knows my dad wouldn't ever listen."
Astrid huffed. Hiccup was right on many counts and she knew it. What were they supposed to do against a dragon of that size? And how exactly were they supposed to convince the entire Viking society to put aside 300 years of aggression and war?
Somehow, she thought, there had to be a way. And if a way existed, Hiccup would be able to find it.
"Well, if they won't listen, maybe you just have to show them," she said, leaning into Hiccup's field of vision.
"How?" he asked, and Astrid's shoulders slumped. That was the question of the night, apparently, and it was the one she knew she had no answer to.
"Keep doing what we're doing, I guess," she said, even though it felt no more like a solution than anything they'd said so far. "We keep fighting, and hope that one day they realize that we're helping, not hurting."
"Maybe," Hiccup said, though he didn't sound like he believed it. He sighed and shook his head. "Something has to change."
Astrid rested her head on his shoulder. "Something has. I'm here now. And they know I'm on your side. Who knows? Maybe something will come out of that."
Xx
"Is Sissy coming home soon?"
Arvid and Ingrid looked at each other across the breakfast table. Neither one of them had slept very well the last few nights, and both had been barely picking at their breakfasts. At her seat Brenna was as cheerful as always, alternating between pressing her spoon to her doll's mouth and sticking it in her own.
Arvid nodded at his wife and she reached a hand across to place it on one of Brenna's. The little girl looked up.
"Now Brenna, love," she said, "We've talked about this, poppet. Astrid…Astrid isn't coming home."
"Of course she is," Brenna chirped, and fed her doll another spoonful of oatmeal. "When she's done."
Arvid and Ingrid exchanged looks. "Done with what?" Arvid asked, leaning forward in his seat.
Brenna shook her head. "Not telling, it's a secret."
"Secret?" Her parents shared another look, this one significantly more panicked. "What's a secret?" Ingrid demanded.
Brenna giggled. "I can't tell you. That's the whole point of a secret!"
Arvid got out of his chair and came around the table to kneel on the floor next to Brenna's chair. He gently placed his big hands on Brenna's tiny shoulders.
"Brenna, listen to me. Put down the dolly, sweetheart, look at Daddy." Brenna smiled at him. "How do you know Astrid is going to be back? Have you spoken to her?"
Brenna blinked in confusion, then shook her head. "Nope. Why, have you? Can you tell her I miss her? And to tell her friend I said hi?"
Arvid's eyes widened. "Her friend?" Brenna's mouth fell open and her eyes grew big and round.
"I mean, never mind."
Ingrid came to join them, leaning over her husband's shoulder to look Brenna in the eye. "Brenna," she said, her voice dipping into that low warning tone Brenna knew all too well. "What do you mean about Astrid's friend?"
The little girl snapped her lips closed and shook her head.
Arvid frowned and his grip on her shoulders tightened just a bit. "Brenna, why would you want to say hi to Astrid's...friend?" He paused at the word. "Have you spoken to him?"
Brenna looked back and forth between her parents' worried faces. "Um…N-no?"
"Brenna," her mother started, but Brenna shook her head and clutched her dolly closer.
"I'm not telling, it's a secret."
"Brenna—"
"It's a secret!"
"Brenna Hofferson, I swear to Thor—"
"I CAN'T TELL YOU, IT'S A SECRET!"
They pulled away; the look on their faces the same one Brenna had seen them wear every time Astrid had turned down yet another suitor.
"Eat your breakfast," Ingrid said, and pulled her husband to the corner of the kitchen. Brenna watched their quiet, tense conversation with curiosity. Were they worried about Astrid? They didn't need to be. She was fine. She was more than fine—she'd been riding on a dragon. That was even cooler than fighting dragons; she didn't understand what everyone was so worked up about.
"Are you worried about Sissy?" she asked, and her parents' conversation stopped. They both looked at her.
"I know I'm not supposed to say anything," she said, wringing her hands in the fabric of her skirt, "But you shouldn't be worried about Astrid. He said she'd be fine."
For some reason that Brenna didn't understand, this statement did not reassure her parents the way she thought it would.
