Trigger Warning: Self-harming behavior and suicidal thoughts are described in this chapter.
This chapter will be a lot darker than what I usually write.
If all of this does not bother you, read, enjoy and review :)
oooOOOooo
Imprisoned, Chapter 2: Redemption
He couldn't just tell the guards. They wouldn't listen to him and even if they did, he knew how crazy he would sound.
No, he had to get the Other to make a mistake. If he revealed himself, the guards – the real guards - would have to react. There would be a fight, but the real guards were still the majority. And a fight would attract the attention of Thor and Odin, and no matter how much he despised them, he knew the Black Order, Thano's children, stood no chance against Odin.
If he wanted to trick the Other, Loki would have to use his greatest weapon - his silver tongue.
"I know what you're doing," Loki started quietly, so only the Other could hear. "You are playing mind games. You are trying to drive me crazy. I have to admit, for a while it worked." Perhaps this incorrect assumption would lead the Other to correct him, tell him of his real plan.
In no way did the Other show that he had heard what Loki had said. When Loki concluded that he wouldn't get an answer, the Other turned around to face him, smirking. "Merely a pleasant side effect, but not nearly a sufficient punishment. Believe me, by the end of it you will wish we had merely tortured or killed you."
Loki's blood ran cold, but outwardly he showed no reaction to the statement.
"I wonder why your mother hasn't visited you in the past week," the Other continued.
Cold dread washed over Loki. Had they hurt Frigga? Perhaps they had taken over Asgard already, killed everyone and were now just playing him… but no. Some of the guards were still themselves and they showed no signs of distress. If Asgard were in ruins, surely, they would show signs.
And Frigga - she only visited about once a week. The Other was just playing his games again.
"How unfortunate," Loki drawled. "Is that your plan? Kill my... family?" Loki laughed. "Not a great plan."
The guard raised an eyebrow, "Is that so?"
"In case you haven't heard... we are not on the best of terms. Have you not noticed my lack of visitors? They don't care about me. Why would they? They are not even really my family... They lied to me... I care as little about them as they care about me… I even tried to kill my brother... long story short, kill all of them - I really don't care. You'd be doing me a favor."
The Other smiled. "We'll see about that."
Loki slumped down on his bed, grabbing a book – by now he really wished he had something to hide behind besides books. Outwardly, he appeared unfazed. His feelings, however, told quite a different story.
He now had a pretty good feeling for what Thanos wanted. He wanted to get the Tesseract back, he wanted to destroy Asgard, and he wanted to punish Loki by having him watch all of it. And if he replaced enough soldiers with his own men, and waited for Odin to fall into Odinsleep again, he would succeed.
And this revealed some uncomfortable truths to Loki.
Almost two years ago, the revelation that Frigga and Odin were not his real parents… it had stirred something within him. In the aftermath he had been angry and confused and… lost. There was no place where he really belonged. His biological parents had abandoned him. And Odin and Frigga had lied to him. They had betrayed him.
After that he had doubted and questioned everything. Himself, his place in the world and the role Asgard played in his life. Was he really one of the monsters his- Odin had always warned him off?
He had concluded that, for Odin, he had always only been political leverage and little more. Odin hadn't been his biological father and he hadn't cared for him either. His cruel punishment for Loki's crimes on Midgard and how Odin had called him Laufeyson were everything Loki needed to know his conclusion had been correct. These people weren't his family and he had convinced himself that he cared about them as little as they cared about him.
But now, all of his questions resurfaced, and they were answered with a surprising clarity. With growing panic, he realized that no matter how the Æsir felt about him, he did still regard Asgard his home and Frigga, Thor, and yes, even Odin, his family. Even if they did not feel the same. And the Other was right. Watching them suffer and die was the worst kind of punishment and he would prefer any type of physical pain over even just the dread he now felt.
Guilt, panic and fear mingled in his stomach. He tried to calm himself by breathing slowly and deeply, but it barely worked.
Suddenly, he felt energy surge around him and the air in his cell shimmered. Frigga, or at least her projection, stood right in front of him.
She looked weary, like she always did ever since he had been arrested.
"Mother," Loki jumped up, relieved at seeing her unharmed, "how good to see you."
Her tired eyes lit up. "You haven't called me that in a long time, son."
"I was a fool," Loki quickly assured her. "Tell me, how are things in Asgard? How is father? How is Thor?"
Frigga smiled gently at him. "Your father is getting ready for his Odinsleep. Your brother is... dealing with a lot, but I am certain he will manage."
"I wish I could talk with them," Loki said. He had to tread carefully, the guards were all listening. A sideways glance and he saw the Other slowly, almost imperceptibly shaking his head.
Frigga's eyes looked sad again. "They... are hurt, but I am sure they will forgive you, with time. Don't think that you are forgotten." She took a step towards him, worry etched into her features. "How are you? I can tell something is amiss, and I've been told that you barely eat and hardly sleep."
Loki took a deep breath. There really wasn't anything his mother didn't notice.
Before he could even begin to explain anything, his mother's gaze drifted off into the distance. "One of the guards is calling for me, darling. Let me just tell them that I'll be with them in a few minutes."
"No," Loki hastily brought out, feeling his throat tighten, "there is no need to worry about me. Do whatever they want you to do." Was this a real guard or one of Thanos' men? Was this a warning?
Surely his mother would be able to look through any concealment, just like Loki had.
"Alright," Frigga replied. "I will talk to you again later today. I love you, son." With one last smile, his mother's illusions shimmered out of existence and Loki sincerely hoped that this was not the last time he would see her.
The way he saw it, this "guard wanting to talk to her" - situation could mean three things:
Number one, an ordinary guard really did want to talk to her and nothing was amiss. Number two, one of Thanos' men wanted to talk to her or had sent a regular guard to talk to her, to warn Loki of raising suspicions and to show him how he had taken over more than the prison already. Number three, the attack was about to begin.
Number one was obviously preferable, but Loki hardly ever was this lucky. Number two, although worrying, meant he still had time and it was best to do what they wanted of him for now. But if number three was the case, his family and everything he held dear were about to suffer because of his mistakes and there was nothing he could do about it.
In any case, he needed to warn someone. He needed to get out of his cell. But he had been there for about six months and had so far not been able to detect any type of flaw in the system that would allow him to escape and it was most definitely not for a lack of trying. The walls were impenetrable from the inside. The guards knew about his illusions, and even if he could get them to open the cell, they always checked whether what they were seeing was real.
He was trapped, unable to do anything to stop the inevitable destruction that would befall his home and family, unable to fight by their side to even try to repent for the doom he had brought upon them. The cell seemed smaller and stuffier than ever before and he felt a weight on his chest that made it almost impossible to breathe. He thought of all the things the Other might do to his mother and began to feel dizzy. Cold sweat ran down his back.
But, in the midst of all his frantic musing, he suddenly did have an idea of how to get out of his cell. It was truly crazy, had a slim chance of actually working and the idea alone made his blood freeze. But it was the only warning, the only chance he could give the others. Perhaps it was even his one chance at something akin to redemption.
He walked over to a small, round table. His mother had made sure that he had some... amenities the other prisoners were not granted. Small tokens of her generosity were scattered around the table's surface. Among them a book, a metal cup and an elegantly formed glass bottle.
Before he could change his mind, he reached for the bottle with a trembling hand, his fingers wrapping around the cold glass. He brought it up in front of him and then smashed it down on the table. The water spilled on the ground and the pieces of the bottle flew in all directions. The small table did not withstand the force and, after its legs broke, tilted over.
"What are you doing?" hissed the Other, alarmed by the sudden noise.
Ignoring the churning in his stomach, Loki grinned at the Other, and he was sure he must have looked like a madman. Perhaps he was one. "Nothing you'll be able to stop."
He reached for a sharp looking glass shard, not caring that it cut his fingers, blood running down his hand. He took one last deep breath, trying to control his magic, willing it to not aid, but suppress his body's natural healing abilities, before he brought it down on his left wrist. The shard dug deep into his flesh and the blood came pouring out.
With a satisfied grin he looked into his guards shocked eyes, who stood there with an open mouth. Without turning his gaze away from the Other, he drew the shard up all the way to his elbow, cutting open his whole arm. Blood was gushing out and running down, forming a puddle on the ground.
He ignored the pain, his frantically beating heart and shallow breathing, and willed his magic to not heal himself, before he took the shard into his other, now violently shaking hand, to repeat his actions.
By now the Other was shouting. What, Loki couldn't tell. He felt dizzy and only heard a ringing sound in his ears. His vision began to blur, but he couldn't stop now. If he did, he would just fall unconscious and his body would start to heal his wounds. Seriously injuring a Frost Giant was rather difficult. He brought the shard to his throat, both hands now shaking violently, and slid it from one side to the other, effectively cutting his windpipe in two.
He fell to the ground, wringing for air, feeling as if he were drowning. Perhaps he was. Drowning on his own blood.
The pain was unbearable, but he was satisfied non the less. The guards were already at the door, rushing towards him. They had to bring him to a Healer. Prisoner or not, he was still a citizen of Asgard and regarded a son of the king. Best case scenario, he would survive and wake up in a hospital where he could tell someone, anyone, about what was going on. Worst case scenario, he died. But if it meant his people were warned, or even just suffered less, it was a price that he surprisingly found he was more than willing to pay.
So, knowing that his plan would work, one way or the other, he finally stopped fighting the pain and the fatigue and drifted into unconsciousness.
TBC
A.N. Is the Other real or just in Loki's head? Will Loki die or survive? At one point during writing I thought the story should end here. An open end, ambiguous in regard to whether Loki has lost his mind or is extremely clever, whether he lives or dies.
What did you think of this chapter? If you find it too dark, I completely understand. Leave a review to let me know.
