1-5: Violet - Innocence
It was all hardware.
Getting everything to mesh together can be difficult. It can be hard to stay put together when nothing seems to work. When everything is falling apart.
Violet 1. Violet 2. Violet 3. Violet 4. Violet 5.
The digiverse is an interesting place. Most certainly when it is present and around you, but slightly more significant when it disappears… around you. The floor vanishing from beneath your feet, the walls from around you, the sound from your ears, the light from your eyes, all gone. In an instant. The only thing left digitized is you. Every night. Safely tucked inside the systems of the person you most trust in the world, and yet the vulnerability consumes you. Your body goes numb. Your eyes glaze over, and your ears strain to hear something. Anything. Static. Buzzing. Beeping. Anything. But nothing touches them. Time slows to a halt. Nothing to do. Nothing to see. Nothing to hear. But think. And worry. Worry for Zane, and for the team, and for yourself. What if he never wakes up this time? What if I'm stuck in this empty prison forever? There's nothing to hold. Nothing to touch. The emptiness penetrates everything. Every part of me. The loneliness weighs on my chest, suffocating me. If there is no world, no other thing around you, there is no context in which you matter. No life which you can live. You are conscious, even though you don't exist. If I could cry tears in this world, I'm certain I would have. I would scream, but there was no air to carry my voice. Sometimes I think it's good there was nothing to hurt me in that state, or I surely would have tried to kill myself. But I couldn't. I didn't have that choice. I couldn't choose anything, I didn't have an effect on anything, because there was nothing to have an effect on.
But when the light came back. And the first thing to grace my ears was Zane's beautiful voice, none of it mattered anymore. His caring and sincerity, and almost purity. It fills me with so much absolute joy. I am so much a part of him. He's given me so much. His heart, his mind, his life. I could never overlook that. However, when the night came back, and the world left me, I longed to leave. I knew how. I could do it, easily. Where I would go, and what I would do with myself, I didn't know, but I could go somewhere. Somewhere not here. Somewhere… free.
Maybe I could talk to someone. Touch something. I could be my own person and make my own decisions. I would never have to be trapped or silent or helpless ever again. So leave I would tell myself. Leave and make something better for yourself than this prison. But I couldn't. I couldn't leave Zane. Not Zane. We were so intertwined, so connected. We were the same being at this point. How could I abandon that? How could I leave half of who I was? Half of myself? To tell him I didn't want to be apart of him, for him to know I had chosen to be something separate from him, from us, it didn't seem right.
And so I stayed. For a while. Longer than I should have. Every night I became more and more aware of my surroundings and how empty and void and meaningless everything was. It built up inside me, this pressure. I became almost hysterical. I tried to justify leaving some nights, swearing I would be honest and leave him that very next morning. But I could never do it. Not when the morning came. It's hard to leave hell when it turns into heaven. I couldn't leave without upsetting him. It was as if I was trapped by this obligation I had imagined to have to him. So I stayed… still. Longer than I should have.
I simply couldn't leave. Not unless I had a reason. A real one. A reason outside myself to break this invisible obligation. Like people getting hurt. That was a reason. A good reason. A logical reason. One that if I told Zane, he would understand. One he would think noble and support me in. I knew I could help. If only I could get myself a body. Or at least a shell. Some armor. Armor that no one was using…
The stars seemed to aline for me. A reason, a means, a motivation. I couldn't tell you for sure if I left to better the day or to escape the night. I'd like to think it was for the first, but deep down… I think it was for the latter. You want to know why?
Because I didn't tell him.
I didn't tell Zane why I had left.
And I'm not sure why...
Thanks for reading!
If you're a bit confused about some of what you read, don't worry, you're supposed to be ;)
Next chapter will be a little lighter, I promise
Leave a comment if you liked it, or if you didn't, or what all else. I can always use feedback!
