I'd like to love you but my heart is a sore


Natsu's first memory of Kardia Cathedral was somehow both majestic and tainted. He remembered walking through the double wooden doors and looking at the ancient architecture with awe. He was in love with the hard and plain edges of the sawed pews, the grainy wooden floors, the smell of hot wax and the creak of tired wood. He was also ashamed. What brought them there to the house of worship wasn't love for God. It was fear and disgust. It was the red clap mark on his mother's cheek and his father's stinging red hand. It was his mother's surprise and his father's guilt.

They would make time for God again and maybe his father would remember what it was to be a good man. One that wasn't taken hostage by stress and vice.

It worked for the first week into the second, third and fourth. But some people, Natsu's mother told him while he lay in bed one night and asked the question why after it had happened again, some people are just lost.

And, he learned when he was a little older and a little wiser, some people were happy to get lost with them.

Those memories were so, so clear for Natsu looking up at the cathedral now. Walking through the doors and smelling perfumes and paper and wood polish. Righteousness and fear. They all mixed together.

Natsu clenched the brass door handle tight enough that he feared for the blood traveling to his fingers. He couldn't let go as he stared into the cathedral's open door. The red carpet runner lay limply over the floor, faded now and worn by feet that weren't his own, and the dais glittered in candlelight.

"Will you stand there or go in?" Her voice was startling. Natsu released the door and turned. Lucy stood at the bottom of the stairs, bathed in the orange glow of a streetlight.

"How did you find me?"

"I know you, Natsu," Lucy said. "Whenever your head's full, you always come here."

He sighed and dropped down onto the concrete step. "You shouldn't be here."

"Because my father says so?" she sneered. "I don't care." She came to sit beside him, so close her hip touched his, and took his hand. She was warm beneath her mitts. They remained that way until she figured out how to blurt her purpose there. "I have access to my university fund."

Natsu looked at her from the corner of his eye. "Okay."

"I emptied it," she said.

He looked at her more completely. "Why?"

"Because now we have seventy-thousand dollars to go anywhere we want," she said. "We can leave this crappy town and fuck my dad and his stupid rules and fuck my family and fuck yours, too."

Natsu watched the snow move over the church's cobblestone walkway. "You want to leave Magnolia."

"Yeah. I checked, there's a subway that'll take us across town to the busses. We can get on and be out by eleven if we leave right now. Or, if you wanted to wait until morning, we can probably pick up a cheap used car and go that way. If we pay cash, there won't be any records or anything. No one will know where to find us."

And they would be looking. Natsu curbed his temptation by imagining what Lucy's father would do to Zeref if he thought Zeref had information he wanted. What kinds of demons would he dig up to ruin Zeref's life forever?

"I can't."

Lucy was scheming, phone out and dealership websites up. She wasn't listening. Natsu grabbed her phone and took it away. She looked up. "What?"

"I said I can't."

"Of course you can."

"No, I can't, and neither can you," Natsu said firmly and stood. "You're doing really well at school—"

"So what?"

"So you think I want to be the guy that fucked up his girlfriend's future because her father doesn't want us together?"

"What about my choice?" Lucy shot back. "Don't I get a say in the matter?"

"No. Go home, Lucy."

"No, Natsu—"

"I won't leave Zeref here and I won't mess your life up, either. We're done. It's over." Breaking up with a person was hard the first time. The second time was surprisingly easy. The words were all there, he had already ripped the bandages off once, he could do it again and again and again.

She was so mad she started to cry. She stood. "That's it, then? You won't get a lawyer, you won't see me anymore, you won't run away with me—"

"That about sums it up, yeah," Natsu said.

Lucy came down the stairs in jerky movements and snatched her phone from his hand. She pushed him, hand in the center of his chest, and again. "You're a coward. You can't break up with me because I'm breaking up with you." She looked at him self-righteously, obviously expecting him to dispute her or to look hurt or to tell her to stop being irrational. She was a spoiled girl unused to not getting her way. In his silence, she erupted, "Say something!"

"I don't have anything to say, Lucy. It's for the best."

She growled and grabbed him by the collar of his jacket. Her lips tasted like peppermint lip gloss and salty tears. Natsu took her by the hips before he stopped himself, a knee-jerk reaction whenever they were close. After that, he was sure to pull away.

"Get out of here."

Lucy shoved him again, mad as he'd ever seen her. Her steps were so fast, he was afraid she'd slip on ice as she stepped over the piled snowbank at the back of the church parking lot and onto the sidewalk. He lost sight of her then and dropped heavily back to the steps. There were cigarettes in his pocket. He'd been toying with smoking for the last week now. He couldn't decide if he loved it or if he wanted to puke every time.

"My cousin is dramatic."

Natsu looked left and saw a tall man in a nice suit and a pea coat walk up the shoved pathway. His leather shoes didn't look good for this kind of weather but like Lucy, he didn't slip. He pulled up the legs of his pants and sat without invitation.

"Who are you?"

"Jellal Fernandez." He offered Natsu a hand. He wore rings on his pinky, ring, and middle finger. They were all gold and looked expensive, though garish. Natsu took his hand and felt like a pauper with his Walmart watch and ripped leather jacket that he got from the thrift store.

"What do you want?"

Jellal spoke like Natsu hadn't. "Lucy's sweet. And loveable, I'll give her that. Her problem is letting go, though. She often needs a push."

"I told her to get lost."

"Actually, you kissed her."

"And then I told her to fuck off."

"First, though, you kissed her. Giving her hope. She'll hold onto that. I know she will. You know she will, too, don't you?"

"That wasn't my intention."

"No, but it's what happened, isn't it?"

Natsu squeezed his hand into a tight fist. "Look, do you have a purpose here?"

"Yes. My uncle told you to do a thing, Natsu, and I'm here to make sure it's done." He stood. Three men appeared, all large and callous-handed. Two grabbed Natsu's arms, though he'd tried to stand and get away. They were strong and held him firmly.

"What the fuck is this?" Natsu asked.

Jellal didn't look at them, his eyes were focused on the church. He crossed himself, touching his forehead, his chest, and then his left and right shoulders. "Don't treat him too badly, he gets points for sending her off, but make sure the message hits home." His shoes clopped loudly where the pavement was bare.

"Hey!" Natsu yelled at his back. "Hey—" His lip mashed into his teeth, garbling his next words.

He was only hit in the face twice; the rest were all body blows. Natsu fought back at first, kicking when he could. It was fruitless.

He was hit until he stopped fighting, and then he was released. He slumped to the ground and was left there.


It was difficult to get the strength up to move but the alternative was worse. He wasn't going to freeze to death on the steps of Kardia Cathedral.

Going home wasn't really appealing. In the days that had followed his arrest, Zeref had been true to his words. There weren't any transients filling up their couches, there weren't any drugs on the table or in the drawers, no pills, no blow, no pot. There wasn't even a fucking beer in the fridge. It had all been dumped down the sink or flushed down the toilet.

Natsu let his feet take him to the Patch. The houses here were all low-income townhouses, attached to one another and completely identical. Erik's stood out from the rest only by his green, beat-up Civic sitting in the driveway. Standing at its bumper, Natsu could hear the music coming out of the house. He felt a calmness wash over him. There was peace in chaos. Anonymity, too.

Natsu didn't bother knocking on the door, Erik had an open-door policy. Inside smelled like weed and beer and cologne and there seemed to be a thousand different shoes at the front door, all in various stages of disrepair. Natsu held himself up on the cream-coloured wall and kicked off boots. He had to get out of his coat more carefully, his ribs and his back were stiff and sore. He dropped the cold fabric on top of the others on the floor.

"Thought I heard someone come in," came Erik's familiar voice. "Been a while, Natsu."

"Hey." Natsu looked up.

Erik leaned against the door jam with a cigarette in one hand, a beer in the other. "What the fuck happened to you?"

"I don't know," Natsu grumbled.

Erik gave him a considering look, likely deciding if he cared to find out just what fucked up things were going on. He decided to say, "You want a beer?"

Or seven. "Yeah."

"I'll grab one for you."

Erik left. His spot was filled by a joint-holding Ultear. "Holy hell, Natsu."

Natsu touched his cheek. "Is it bad?"

"Your face isn't too bad but you're hunched over like an old man. What the fuck happened?"

"Just ran into some guys."

She sighed and opened a door in the hallway. "Come on."

Natsu straightened with some effort and hobbled in through the open doorway. Ultear came in and closed it behind him. Inside was a washroom, small and more than a little bit dirty. There was bar soap on the edge of the sink and a first aid kit Ultear pulled out of the cabinet above the toilet.

"Wash the blood off your face."

Natsu cranked on the hot water. Air bubbled in the pipes and water came out in fits and spurts, then evened out. He cupped his hands and put them in the burning water. His split lip stung, and the cut on his cheek. Neither were very bad but Zeref was going to ask questions and Natsu didn't know what to say yet.

"Here." Ultear took his shoulder and pulled him upright. There was a wad of toilet paper in her hand that she used to daub away any remaining blood. She then came at him with Iodine, starting first with his cheek. It stung like a motherfucker. Natsu clenched his jaw. Ultear handed him the remainder of her joint. He puffed on it, filling the small space with grey smoke.

"This was about Lucy, wasn't it?" Ultear asked.

Natsu chose silence.

"You know the other times was about her, too, right? Those guys that kicked your ass after that party and behind your brother's?"

"You don't know that."

"I don't have proof, no, but don't be blind, Natsu. You know it's true. You have to cut her out if you know what's good for you, or one day, you're going to be walking down the street and instead of kicking your ass and leaving you in the gutter, they're going to kill you."

He scrunched up his face, partially out of anger, partially out of pain—Ultear had put the Iodine on his lip.

"Don't look like that."

"Like it fucking hurts?"

"Like you're planning on doing something stupid," she said bluntly. "It's not worth it."

"This is three times—"

"And it will be more if you don't stop. Just forget about Lucy."

"I've been trying."

"Not very hard."

"How the fuck would you know, Ultear?" Natsu snapped.

She didn't get mad. "There are other things you can do than mope in Gildarts' house or workout until your sick."

Natsu felt betrayed. Zeref was selling all his secrets, and he didn't even like Ultear that much.

Ultear took the stub of her joint back and breathed in what she could. The roach went into the toilet where it fizzled wetly. She then grabbed Natsu by the back of the neck and pressed her lips to his. He didn't do very much, a little surprised and a little numb, but when she exhaled, he inhaled, and when she brushed her tongue against his, he let her.

"See?" she said when she pulled back. "There are nicer ways to get her out of your head."

Maybe she was right. She kissed him again and grabbed his cock through his pants, one of the few parts of his body that didn't hurt. She rubbed in long, even strokes.

Natsu watched her, taking note of all the things that were different between her and Lucy. She was dark where Lucy was light. Mean where Lucy was nice.

Ultear took off her shirt and her bra, leaving both on the counter, and squatted, never letting her knees touch the dirty floor. Natsu felt like someone else then. It was that separation that allowed him to undo his pants for her. He kept his hands on the counter while she sucked until he came.